On
Thursday 6th of December, I went to see The War of the Worlds at London's
Wembley Arena. I have always argued to lovers of music, that it is impossible
to claim to be so, if you have not at least listened to Jeff Wayne's two disc
epic of The War of the Worlds. It's huge orchestra and band collaboration is an
example of Prog Rock storytelling at its ultimate best.
The
news of the past few days has looked like a collection of the 'Best Bits' from
the past 18 months. We've had the classic hits of Hugh Grant ruthlessly seeking
vengeance on News Corp and The Mirror. Kate and Gerry McCann have made a long
awaited comeback to point the stick at Mr Investigative Journalism for being
accused by British Media of murdering their child Madeline. The one hit wonder
of Christopher Jefferies who won libel damages for his wrongful arrest in the
case of Jo Yeates' murder, has come back, looking better than ever (presumably
spending his cash). Even political hits have been replayed such as in-depth
discussion about Jeremy Hunt's involvement in the BSkyB and whether the
coalition is set to burst.
Photography
is a passion of mine, and having thought about it, I'm surprised that I haven't
actually written a blog on the subject. So, having made a big song and dance
about it recently on my Twitter and Facebook accounts, it seemed the
appropriate time to start.
I
have entered rather a few photography competitions in the past few years, since
I've had the passion; none of which I have won. However, until last week, every
time I haven't won, I've looked at the pictures that did win, and in awe, fully
understood why those images were chosen ahead of mine. They generally have been
taken using a top range DSLR camera and various lenses, and therefore can take
better qualities images. Those I do not begrudge.
My
current hair style isn't too dissimilar to that of one of the Beatles back in
the 60's. It's brown and just sits there looking a mess despite it being
combed. It is essentially, a helmet of hair without actually having any
purpose. I have had this hair for well over 5 years, and I have become bored of
it.
I
took to the internet for inspiration on how to design the top of my head. I
wanted something which wasn't too different to what I already possess, but
something 'fresh' and even a little bit fashionable at the moment.
And
so, another year has passed in the age of my blog; now having just 'celebrated'
its 4th birthday. However, over the past year I have been busy getting a degree
and therefore my blog has suffered. Once upon a time, I used to get annoyed if
I hadn't blogged for over a week, but those days are long gone. Now, I can post
anything for six weeks, and I only find it slightly frustrating.
So
why have I become so neglectful of my digital baby in recent times? There are a
few factors:
Well,
at least they did until this week. You would have thought being Princess, and
being the future Queen of England, you wouldn't have nude photographs of
yourself passed around the Internet for everyone to ejaculate over. For
example, when our current Queen was just a Princess Royal, were nude photographs
of her circulated? No. How about the Duke of Edinburgh? Did we have pictures of
him naked, with only his cupped hands to protect his manhood. No. Or how about
Prince Charles and Camilla? Well, thankfully not.
When
the Queen was in her twenties and courting Phillip, the possibility of the
paparazzi hounding them was unthinkable. In fact, photographers were not even
called by the now derogatory term 'paparazzi'; they were just called ‘photographers’.
Now, when the young Royal couple go anywhere in the World, they are followed by
photographers and journalists. They are then kept in designated pens from which
they are allowed to watch Prince William and Princess Kate collect flowers from
young children, as they smile continuingly.
Matchbox
Twenty's new album North comes out on the 3rd of September 2012 in the UK, but
with thanks to Play.com, I have it two days early, and what a treat it was to
see it on the doormat upon waking up this morning. It is a great album by an
amazing band who can write both amazing songs musically and lyrically, with Rob
Thomas writing a majority of the songs, and being the main vocalist.
I
enjoyed the Olympic Opening Ceremony so much, that I think I might just series
link them all. I was cynical about the entire thing, but I was wrong to be so
because it was an amazing thing to witness - right from the beginning to end,
despite the even lasting for nearly four hours.
The
opening clip with the animation of the journey down the River Thames was very
well done, and was actually quite funny I thought. However, this show wasn't
just for us Brit's - it was for the entire World, and like many people have
said: I'm not sure they really got most of it.
Breaking
news! The Olympics are coming to London, and are set to start Friday, 27th of
July 2012. So, let's start looking ahead to London 2013; the year which won't
be very sporting at all.
There
will be no build-up to London 2013; I doubt if it will even affect anyone. It
won't cause traffic chaos or lead to the people of London taking two weeks off
work. Also, unlike the Olympics, there will be no-one running around carrying
ignited fuel, which will travel the country causing disruption where ever it
goes. It will be an event which will allow everyone to carry on their lives
however they wish.
Adverts
have a lot of influence on our every day behaviour. They can change the way we
talk, make us perform little squeak noises, give us topics of conversation, and
not to mention make us buy over-priced goods we don’t need. It now almost seems
like we have started watching television programs in between watching a series
of 30 second dramas which have the ability to invoke emotion in viewers. It's
about time someone released a television channel that showed nothing but
adverts day and night… Someone has created a website, tellyAds, which
has archives of adverts, with their slogan actually being 'TV Without The
Boring Bits: The Programmes'. A channel isn't far away, surely.
I
would not hesitate to say that Maroon 5 are easily my favourite band, with Adam
Levine being my favourite singer (closely followed my Matchbox Twenty and Rob
Thomas), so when I opened a link posted on their Facebook Fan group, which
stated that they were to release a new album within a matter of months, I
nearly exploded; I was more hyper than a kid leaving a sweet shop. Then, a week
later, they released their new single, Payphone, on YouTube. I quickly grabbed
the mouse and clicked the link. It's all been downhill since…
I
should have known that it wouldn't reach my dizzy heights of expectation after
the Moves Like Jagger single, which is incredibly popular both sides of the
Atlantic - arguably their most popular song to date. That is the only reason I can
imagine for them producing a mismatched album which includes mainly electronic,
club sounds, with a dash of Funk and sprinkling of their traditional stuff – a return
to disco some might call it.
On
Friday I received an invite to see Chris Addison perform his show 'The Time is
now, Again' at The Gulbenkian, Canterbury, with my usual comedy-watching
partner after he possessed an extra ticket for no obvious reason. Following the
text just an hour before the show started, I had to cook and chew my dinner in
half an hour, to then jump in the car to ensure I was there on time. I then
watched Chris Addison with indigestion.
The
following two hours were filled with comedy rants from a well-informed
viewpoint by a tall, slightly camp, man who burns extra calories by
continuously patrolling the stage. I like to think of him as a Ragdoll being
operated from above with strings, from his occasional prancing about, elaborate
hand movements and floppy curly hair. He was a joy to watch, not just listen
to.
This
probably is not the blog someone who is a few days away from becoming a Godfather
should be writing, but hey, here I am about to complain about babies. They may
look cute, but they hold the potential to clear a room within seconds. First
the loud crying begins which pierces through the ears of everyone in a 500 yard
radius like someone blowing a vuvuzela in your ear for about 7 minutes,
stopping only for a quick breath. Then follows the next step: Why are they
crying? Well, it could be for a number of reasons, but if it's due to a number
two in a nappy, the smell will linger in the nose of everyone in whiffing
distance for six to eight weeks after.
Another
series has gone by with a Dog act finally winning, resulting in a slight smile
from Simon Cowell and Twitter being swarmed with the same joke regarding the
£500,000 prize money and Pedigree Chum. Ha
ha ha! Think of all dog food it'll get to eat! Ha ha ha, you're all so funny
and original!
Just
like every year, it was apparently 'the hardest to call' with all the acts
being 'brilliant' and 'worthy of winning the competition'. In fact, a number of
acts this year were 'dark horses of the competition'. Taking all of that into consideration, you
wonder why they waste time showing the painfully crap acts, and why there are
some people who sit on their high horse, refusing to watch it.
I don't really enjoy doing blogs
about events in my own life. I don't understand why anyone would be vaguely
interested in anything I have ever done in my life, unless they were nosey, a
stalker or in need of their own life. However, sometimes things happen that I
want to share, and I take pictures that I think are occasionally worth sharing.
In the past two years, I have taken over 6000 pictures and I only have 198 on
my Flickr page:THATis how self critical I am...
Anyway, this week, I spent a day
with the stars in London (not as exciting or interesting as it sounds).
Last
week I dragged the girlfriend along to go watch Stewart Lee’s ‘Carpet Remnant
World’ at Canterbury's new Marlowe Theatre. We didn't have great tickets; we
were in the Upper Circle, one row from the very back. However, thanks to great
designing, we could still see the stage brilliantly due to the elevated seats.
The one issue is that with comedy shows such as these, you lose the intimacy if
you are further away. For example, previous to this performance, I have only
ever seen comedians in very intimate venues with only a few hundred. Suddenly,
you don't seem to connect as well with someone when in a theatre holding 1,200
people. For this reason, I do not get the appeal of seeing a comedian, or
anything, in a huge venue holding thousands of people such as The London O2 or
Wembley Arena; you end up just watching the comedian on the giant screens
around the venue.
I
believe for a comedian to be their most successful, you have to have a small,
intimate venue. It is much easier to work a crowd of 200, than one larger: any
comedian would probably tell you that. Stewart Lee is completely the same. If
you watch his stand-up DVD's or television series, you can see that he excels
in a small group. I think my enjoyment of the show was lessened because of how
far away we were from the stage. Not to sound like I am being negative, but he
was talking to the few hundred people in the stalls, and sometimes ignoring
everyone higher. However, he is a genius when it comes to stand-up (I mean, you
would be after 25 years), and he is fully aware of what he is doing. Of course,
he is doing it intentionally, and in large venues like this, it feeds his
routine with extra fun.
The
question is did I enjoy it?
Of
course I bloody well did!
Like
all Stewart Lee material, you're never quite sure when he actually starts his
routine, because it all just seems natural. It isn't a false conversation like
a lot of other comedians do, it is ,in fact, just a well informed rant/lecture.
Even though I use the word lecture to describe it, it is a fun lecture. If you
wanted to get into stand-up, then it is essential to go see him perform I
believe. You can learn a lot about the art of stand-up from him.
His
jokes are nicely varied, with some being just simple one-line jokes, a number
were 20 minutes rants about something, whether it be him watching Scooby-Doo,
Twitter or discussing the process of finding his material, and others were
satirical observations about the local area or politics. The rest of the time,
he was just shouting at the audience, which is strangely endearing. I mean, I'm
not sure Michael McIntyre would get away with yelling and swearing at the
audience for two hours, but Stewart can.
When
it comes to favourite comedians I have seen live, he is up there with Lee Mack,
and it is purely down to audience interaction and the ability to adapt a
routine for an audience and local things which they can relate to. Stewart Lee
did this through bringing on stage the front cover of the local newspaper to
mock its lead story, for the main local news was a Headteacher, wearing a red
wig, pretending to kidnap the Janitor. It was very good.
Of
course, I cannot convey how funny it was in a not-very-well-written blog
without giving you all the jokes and ruining it for prospective audience
members, so you will just have to believe me.
However,
what makes him different from the other comedians that I have seen is how
friendly he is, and willing to spend time with the people who paid to see him.
I joined the back of a five minute queue to shake his hand, have him sign a
book and have a picture taken with him (as well as making an unfunny joke about
how to spell Stuart/Stewart). I thoroughly enjoyed my evening in the company of
Mr Stewart Lee. He was humble and lovely when I met him afterwards, and during
the show he was everything you expect him to be: Funny, sarcastic, full of hate
and ‘alternative’. So much so, it felt like he had made my diaphragm enter my
throat.
P.S.
"…Dog; [In a high-pitched voice] Dooog?" You’ll get it when/if you see/saw
it…
I have hated Valentine's Day for as long as
I have been aware of its existence and also the expectations that are
associated with it. I hated it back in Primary school when my peers were giving
and receiving folded paper with hearts drawn on them, to each other as
Valentine's cards. This was because I never saw the point of doing it, as well
as the fact that I was not brave enough to give one to the girl I desired in my
class, and also due to the fact I never received one.
At secondary school, it was very similar
(just not as many crayon-drawn hearts on sheets of paper). Everybody had
something, apart from me who had nothing. The only things I got were cards and
gifts that were given by friends when they felt sorry for me: usually after an
angry rant given on the 13th February. This has been the reason why there are
so many posts on this blog that moan about the whole charade of Valentine's Day,
or mocking it. For example, last year I made my increasingly popular
'Unrequited Love Album'. Those songs were ones that made me think of the girl I
loved, but couldn't have. People keep saying that playlist was really good. And
why was that? It’s because all the songs held a strong meaning with me.
This year, I didn't listen to that
playlist. I, in fact, listened to Phil Collins. As you are probably aware, I
have now got the girl that I wanted and desired. For the first time, instead of
spending the days prior to Valentine's Day ranting at every person who would
listen (and even people who wouldn't), I spent the time trapped in a consumer
World filled with red hearts and Me To You bears where the prices of everything
remotely romantic shoots up. It makes you wonder why Cupid is still wearing a
nappy when he makes all that money every year.
I ended up buying the girlfriend a giant
card, which is so large it can't stand up by itself. I also got her two
bouquets of roses, cupcakes, a Me to You bear and friendship bracelets, and it
was all wrapped in Me to You paper. We didn't spend a great deal of the day
together due to University commitments, but in the evening, we went out for a
pizza.
Now, I'm not someone who would deprive
couples with children to not go out and enjoy their relationship. However,
their attempts to spend a 'romantic' meal together ruin it for everyone else.
If they are so desperate to go out on Valentine's Day, then they should get
someone to look after their rotten, dirty, screaming children. I wouldn't go so
far as to say they ruined our meal, but I spent a lot of time wondering whether
or not kicking the two children in the face would lead to jail time… I didn't
do anything to them in the end, but surely I should be able to have a quiet
conversation with my girlfriend over a meat feast pizza with stuffed cheese
crust and garlic bread.
Mind you, we nearly didn't make it to the
restaurant as the bus driver was being rather reckless: speeding over bumps,
braking at the last moment and sliding around roundabouts. I think maybe he
didn't get a Valentine's card or present, and was set out on killing us.
Anyway, as Valentine's Day's go; this was
the best. This was despite the fact that because of errors by Clinton Cards
and/or Royal Mail, I didn't get my Valentine's card from the other half until a
week later. It was the best I have ever had; however most might say that is
because it is the only one I have properly had. The only issue I have with the
day was how expensive everything was. There were many occasions where I was on
the Internet or in a shop, saw something that I liked, and then didn't once I
saw the price. Valentine's Day is just an excuse for shops and their owners
(Yes, I am talking about you Mr Clintons!) to make money out of people who have
unwillingly signed up for this whole charade when they entered a relationship.
So, what are my final thoughts on
Valentine's Day? I never realised there was so much Me to You branded stuff.
And also, it is a brilliant day to experience when you are in love with
someone, but not if you happen to love a full wallet more. Oh, and Cupid: Get some clothes!
Charlie
Brooker said that '2011 has been like one big end-of-season finale; a climactic episode in
which multiple story arcs come to a head.' This being because of
numerous uprisings, a few deaths of bad people, a riot or two, another
financial collapse and the death of a national paper after the revelation that
it hacked over 5,000 phones. In comparison, my life has been normal for someone
of a similar age to me, and has been uneventful. However, as an individual, it
has been quite a year.
As
year's go, for me, it has been a bag of mixed fortunes. I spent the first six
months of 2011 in complete agony. Let me explain how bad this agony was: Most
people sleep at night. I used to sleep at night, and thankfully, I do now.
However, for those six months of my life, I think I only had an entire night of
sleep once a week, and that would usually be because I was so knackered that my
brain struggled to comprehend the concept of pain, or maybe just an overdose of
extra strong pain killers, I don't remember.
I
had toothache. In fact, no: toothache doesn't fully explain the agony I had. I
call it 'Toothtorture'. I might as well have thumped a nine inch metal nail
into my jaws every 30 seconds for the relief it would have brought me. I went
to the Dentist, then the Dentist, then the Doctor, and then the Dentist a few
more times before he finally discovered my tooth was dead. Six weeks, over two
hours in the Dentist's chair, and a root canal later, I was relieved of the
pain and allowed to sleep, every single night, without my synapses interrupting
with pain signals.
Mind
you, a few weeks later, I didn't get much sleep after I spent five days awake and
watching BBC News and Sky News and watching the swarm of rioters smash their
way through London. There were two reasons for this: 1. I was only a month away
from moving there to spend the next three years of my life, and 2. I was going
to London a few days later to be a tourist with my girlfriend. Oh, yeah, in
case you were not yet aware (but I'm sure you are), I got a girlfriend in 2011.
To
most, this doesn't seem like much of an achievement, but this is for me. People
previously knew me as 'Stuart; that guy who is so cynical and angry about the
World and people, who hardly ever has anyone to love'. Well, now, I'm not that
guy. I have a girl whose hand I can hold, without the police being called and
being arrested for attempted sexual assault. She is mine. Not officially, but I
have claimed her as my property, and she has claimed me as hers.
A
long-term relationship is new ground for me. I have had more Sea Monkies than I
have girlfriends. In fact, I think I have had Sea Monkies which have survived
longer than some of my past relationships. Mind you, that could be identified
to the fact I spent my time growing Sea Monkies and becoming emotionally
attached to the said Sea Monkies.
Anyway,
with the change of our relationship going from 'friends' to 'being in a
relationship with', happening in July, this year can surely be said to be a
year of two halves for me: The first half being painful and lonely, and the
second have not quite as much so, with added happiness and kissing…
This
all means that I lose the bet I made in my blog about my 2010, when making
assumptions for the upcoming year: "...I bet I'm still single
though." I usually hate being wrong, but not this time. I'm just
thankful I didn't put any money on it...
This
year also saw me finish my A-level's and attend a University with a history
dating back to the 19th Century: The University of East London. The change
wasn't smooth, or even enjoyable, with my results being messed up resulting in
me franticly trying to get hold of the University who declined me because of
this cock up. I mean, how can an examiner forget to mark two years worth of
Photography work? That eludes me. Anyway, all was resolved, and after a larger
deposit of money exiting my bank accounts, and a large, expensive shop at
Dunelm Mill, I went to University to study Journalism with Creative Writing.
So
far, it is going quite well. I have only finished the first semester of the
first year, but the first few grades I have gotten have been superb. I quite
literally jumped for joy. Hopefully the end results are just as good. I'll have
to get choreographing a celebration dance. Actually, why bother, just learn one
of the dances on Just Dance 3 and perform that, but maybe a shortened, less
sweaty version.
What
else happened for me in 2011? I'm not sure. This year has had so many big
events happen, that I forget all the silly, insignificant things I have done. Well,
I saw a couple of comedians live (Milton Jones and Mark Watson) who were both
very good. I nearly got to see Jimmy Carr live, but I thought I would rather
get my car clamped and pay £120 fine. My laptop died while watching Stewart Lee
on YouTube. I have seen my first musical: We Will Rock. I have been to a
Guardian event for Journalists. I have joined the National Union of Journalist.
I have stepped foot into a newsroom. I have spent many happy hours in London
sightseeing. I have been up in a helicopter. I have been to The Doctor Who
Experience in London, flown the TARDIS and been threatened by Daleks. I have
read a few books. I have worked out how to use Skype. I have got a Teco
Clubcard. I have done other things too...
Let
me just elaborate on a few of the above: We Will Rock You is a fantastic bit of
theatre, which I recommend to anyone who likes music and comedy. It was one of
the most enjoyable evenings of my life. All of the journalism events of my
year, such as attending the Guardian event and being in a newsroom, have
concreted my aspiration to be a journalist. I loved the atmosphere! I also
recommend The Doctor Who Experience to everyone who has watched the show
(whether you're a virgin or not). I
recommend the book Sh*t My Dad Says if you have a week free and like a
giggle. I recommend the Tesco Clubcard if you regularly shop from there.
However, I do not recommend getting your car clamped; too much hassle and too
much money for what is a rubbish service.
Right,
so that about sums up my 2011. I hope you also had a great year, and I hope
that 2012 is either as good, or better than the previous year’s you have had.
I'm sure you are deserving of it.
My
predictions for 2012 are quite simple really. I will still be a University next
year, and I'll be in even more debt. I will hopefully be living in a London
apartment with my girlfriend, with a nice view of the Thames. I expect to spend
much more time in London, seeing shows and visiting places. Also, I am pretty
sure that this year is going to be pretty baby orientated, what with the girlfriend’s
sister about to pop one out, and friends in the last few months of baking
theirs in the oven. Also, I bet this time next year, I won't be single! I'll
bet a charity donation on that one.
P.S.
Happy New Year
P.P.S.
How late is too late to keep wishing people a 'Happy New Year'.
