Monday 30 May 2011

MoneySuperInjunction.com


That website may not yet exist, but if we carry on the path which rich society and gossip is descending down, I give it two years before the website is fully operational. The TV adverts will obviously feature Omid Djalili, where he goes about the World bothering celebrities and telling them that they could have gotten a better deal on their Super Injunction if they had visited MoneySuperInjunction.com first. The website will compare different injunction formulas possible and help the user by suggesting the option that is the best value for money to give them the privacy they want. A service provided completely for free too due to advertising funding.

It has been an odd week or so in which, for once, the UK media has not been able to publish gossip about a footballer and reality TV show having forbidden sex, when everyone else has been talking about it. Twitter was revelling in having 'one up' on the media and the law, so everyone was Tweeting the name 'Ryan Giggs'. 70,000 people broke the law by talking about it. One of which was me, and others included people I follow. It was just a lot of people just figuratively sticking two fingers up at The Sun newspaper and shaking their wrists with pleasure at the law. It was a beautiful, yet confusing moment for British society. If Twitter existed in the 80's, it would have been used in exactly the same way.
I blogged quite a while ago about having Freedom of Speech so long as you keep your mouth shut and remain politically correct at all times, and this follows on from that point and how Twitter has a huge influence upon that. In response to Paul Chambers Tweeting "FUCK! Robin Hood airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!", he was arrested and thousands of Twitterer's sent the same message in protest. One anonymous person Tweeted "Footballer Ryan Giggs had an extramarital affair with Big Brother star Imogen Thomas which lasted for 7 months. #superinjunction" and it went relatively unnoticed for a little while, and the user went on, power sick, and started Tweeting nonsense speculation Tweet's about other celebrities. Anyway, the first Tweet was true, and it soon started spreading.

Once it had spread and gained enough momentum, The Sun appealed for the injunction to be overturned, which was rejected. Twitterer's continued to spread the news and made jokes. Ryan Giggs got angry. The media became irritated. Politicians became irritated. Twitterer's continued to revel and because so many people Tweeted the news, it became impossible to impose the law, but it continued. Eventually, Lib Dem MP John Hemming boiled and spilt the news by abusing/using (it depends on your own opinion) his powers within the Houses of Commons. The Speaker had a mini rant, and the media where finally in ecstasy at now being able to report the news. However, the injunction still remains in place, so it is technically illegal to report it even though, in practice, it isn't illegal because it was mentioned in the Houses of Common. Geddit? Yeah, the law is like a cryptic puzzle. No one has an idea where anyone stands.

There was a great piece of TV in the early morning on Daybreak in the week, in which Max Clifford, media guru/obscene profanity (depends on your opinion), was quizzed for his thoughts on the super injunction fiasco. This is the man who gave the media Jade Goody by the way, so we can agree he has an extremely warped sense of righteousness. He stated that this culture was very worrying because it meant his clients [and therefore him] couldn't make any money. He didn't say that directly, but it was as implicit as stating that you didn't know the sex of your future child whilst winking and holding a pink balloon saying 'It's a girl'.

He did also make one point which I think lends this story a deliciously ironic twist: if Ryan Giggs had never put up an injunction, the story would have never come out due to Imogen Thomas agreeing to keep it secret. The intrigue of the injunction is what led to the story actually coming out and making Giggs a target for matrimonial hate. No-one wanted to publish it in the first place. That, for me, just makes the story a lot sweeter to enjoy.

Now, I wander into the debate of whether Super Injunctions are right or wrong, and I am sitting on the fence about it: I cannot decide what my overall opinion is on this humiliating failure. Both sides of the argument, I think, include very good points. The main points against the injunctions are that a) only the very rich can afford to get them; and b) if you're going to be in the public eye and you don't want people to know you have sex with hookers, and then you shouldn't have sex with hookers. There are also points for the use of injunctions that are a) why is it any of our business; and b) it gives the family a chance to recover and stay together if the media don't shout their private news in big black letters on the front of every newspaper. The case of Andrew Marr springs straight into mind.
A few years ago, with a fellow female Journalist, Marr had an affair and thought that maybe a child she had conceived might have been due to their shenanigans. The injunction was put in place and Marr's marriage had time to heal and survive and DNA testing proved the child not to be his. The injunction stopped speculation by the media and didn't tear the family apart, but it does appear hypocritical when he is grilling politicians on their scandalous private lives, when he himself has one and won't share it. That is something which Ian Hislop campaigned for and was his point every time he was interviewed on the news the day the story hit the media. The story illustrates the good and the bad of super injunctions.

On the whole however, I do totally disagree with the use of super injunctions, as both an aspiring Journalist and a member of the naïve public. I know the Conservatives are in power, but it doesn't necessarily mean we have to live in a time when the rich can do whatever they wish because they are rich. Who wants to live in a society as blatantly biased as that? David Cameron was quick to jump on the band wagon and condemn the use of super injunctions. He is a PR genius, so when he is becoming unpopular due to so many U-turns on the NHS reforms for example, by agreeing with the public on matters such as super injunctions, he seems like a good guy.

If this isn't kept under control, where are we going to end up as a society? Will people get injunctions out to keep the results of sporting events quiet, so that no-one can report the results of the football match between Chelsea and West Ham until Match of the Day is on in the evening? Will BBC 3 be able to get injunctions out every time they produce another horrid 'comedy' aimed at youth to prevent people saying how rubbish it was? Is it possible to get a super injunction to prevent parents from telling their children that Santa isn't real?  Could it be possible for a man to get an injunction out to stop ex girlfriends from revealing the length of his penis? Will chocolate manufactures be able to get a super injunction out to stop people from knowing that chocolate may contain nuts? You see, if it gets out of control, it could get dangerous and people with nut allergies could die!

I don't think we'll stop this super injunction society any time soon, and if we could, we wouldn't be allowed to know how. I think maybe we should slap a time limit on how long a super injunction lasts. A judge should say "Sure, you can have an injunction. But, in 6 months time, the news will come out", and Mr Sex-obsessed Actor will say yes as it gives him chance to sort his life out, and all is well in the end. I mean, this might be the only way to save children with nut allergies! Don't be a bastard and let them die!

Monday 23 May 2011

The Torturesome Twinge Of Teeth

I am reaching a point in my life when I've discovered that my entire body, and particularly the pain receptors which are linked between certain parts of my body and my bastard brain, hate me. My body likes to randomly stop doing things, which other people's body's do perfectly well, just for the sheer hell of it. My toe nails every other year decide to grow inwards because I wear shoes, something which almost every other person on this planet can achieve in one way or another without having to visit a 'foot specialist'. Most people can eat a dinner without their stomach growling like a cow afterwards for reasons no-one really knows. I can't sit in a Costa coffee shop without randomly hiccupping at least once at some point during the visit, whether I've drunk hot chocolate, water or eaten an egg sandwich. Most people can touch a shopping trolley or a light switch without getting a static shot. My ears can't sustain a winter without just refusing not to work with no prior warning. A lot of people can also have teeth in their mouth without a chronic pain which emotionally cripples them and is only kept at bay by living off Pain Killers.

For nearly six months, I have had the same on/off pain in the left side of mouth. Not to one specific tooth; every single flaming tooth on the left of my mouth hurts in some sort of orderly fashion. The pain itself is hard to describe, but I shall try anyway.

You know when you get a deep cut on your hands or anywhere on your body, and you get in a warm bath a few hours after sustaining the said injury, and it stings quite a bit, yet you keep curiously putting it in and out to feel the pain? It's a lot worse than that. You know when you burn your tongue on a hot dinner and you have that painful discomfort for a few days? It's a lot worse than that. You know when you have been punched in the groin by someone with a stud ring on seventy three times within a year minute while having an elephant truck stuffed in your ear gradually? It's worse than that. You know when you get run over by a twenty ton truck going at 150mph down a hill covered in scorpions with a snake pit at the bottom? It's probably not as bad as that. You know when you've been forced to watch every hour of Big Brother contestants blathering in the diary room while someone poked pins randomly into you while another person punched you once every four hours in the face? It's about the same as that. Really irritating intense painful discomfort and you wish it would just stop because you cannot believe how long it can go on for, whilst thinking to yourself "This cannot be good for my mouth".

The obvious answer is to go and visit the Dentist when you get a pain in your mouth, and like a normal person, I did. In fact, in the past six months I have now visited him five times and the hospital once. I've been poked and scrapped and drilled and moulded and x-rayed while taking varying prescribed tablets, and yet, still, the pain has failed to disappear. Now, this is leading me to thinking a number of things. I could be suffering from some rare syndrome not directly related to my teeth but causes this pain (I don't know if such a thing exists, but I still think it). I could be going insane and imagining these pains like the maniac I've clearly transformed into. Maybe I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life because that's how my body rolls.

No-one knows the source of my pain. Everyone has had suspicions, but no-one has actually been proved to be correct. It started life as nerve damage which would be solved by a week’s antibiotics over the Christmas week. Then it wasn't. Then it was due to a tooth being slightly large which would be solved by drilling part of it off. Then it wasn't. Then it might have either been cists or a wisdom tooth which we would find out by an x-ray. Then it wasn't. Now, it's apparently due to me grinding my teeth which will apparently be solved by a bite guard. (It isn't, but my Dentist won't listen to me).
My perfect pearly teeth in X-ray form
I just do not know what the problem is. Maybe my Doctor will help me this week. I'm going to see him about this pain, and I feel guilty, like I'm cheating on my Dentist. Either way, I think this to be conclusive proof that God does not exist. I'm a good, respectful, caring, helpful and reliable person, and even though I don't believe in him, if I were 'one of his flock', he should look after me regardless. I do not deserve this intense pain for six months, and I cannot see how this can be part of his 'divine plan' for my life, so he cannot exist. OR, he does exist and he is a real sadistic bastard. If so, he's probably German…

In the past few months I have also ingested the equivalent to half of Boots, in a vain attempt to save myself from the pain of my mouth. Anadin. Anadin Extra. Boots Paracetamol. Tesco Paracetamol. Morrison's Paracatamol. Panadol. Panadol Fast Relief. Ibrufen. Co Codamol. Pain Killing Mouth wash. And various dissolvable tablets, but the name has vanished. I could be mistaken as an addict. If I got pulled over, I'd probably lose my licence for driving under the influence. Also, the frequency in which I visit the toilet has been increased as a result of poisoning my system. It doesn't matter how many drugs I stuff down my throat, the pain still exists, just the intensity may decrease slightly. Bastards. My teeth are going to kill me, and I don't mean that one night they'll leap out of my mouth, grow to 6 foot tall and then just start throwing me about until I'm a limp carcass (however, gangs of giant teeth are a very serious problem for a modern Britain), I just mean they'll figuratively kill me.

Anyway, I think I failed at describing the pain in my dental region, even though it is a right Piers Morgan (synonymous with being a huge, ugly, rude pain in my arse), so let me pass that responsibility to the XKCD comic...
Dental Nerve - XKCD




UPDATE:
Since the writing of this blog, I've had a few more visits to the Dentist. Turns out I had a huge infection in the tooth I had a filling in some months back, so I'm now in the middle of Root Canal treatment and the pain has subsided. Good news for me, but my Dentist is still confused why it never appeared on any x-rays. The wonders of Dentistry aye...