Let's Rummage Into My 2009

2009 has been an average for me really and when I look reflect upon the year which has past, I am quite content; it's not been a fantastic year which I'm going to remember for the rest of my life, and it's also not been a crap year in which nothing positive has happened. It's been quite a straight forward year. Last year’s blog which reflected on 2008 was quite a negative and depressing one because I focused on the negative - making it sound much worse than it was. This year’s blog will be an unbiased blog in which the positive and negatives are discussed.

Positive One - Jade Goody died. Not much else to say really; I always feel guilty when I say bad stuff about her now, but when I remember how much she irritated me when she was alive, I feel better and not as guilty upon realising she won't bother me again.

Negative One - Bad A-level results. In August the White Envelope didn't contain good results, including me getting an E in English. This has in turn affected my confidence ever since and my motivation to do anything has been affected also. I now have to work hard to make sure I do well in retakes as well as making sure I get good, well deserved results next year. Those bad results probably were the worst thing to happen to me this year.

Positive Two - Twitter. May seem stupid to most people, but to me it's a good thing. I started Tweeting in February and since then (apart from the two months where I stopped Tweeting) have Tweeted numerous times a day, with it becoming an addiction for me. My popularity has increased throughout the year and I've broken the 1000th Tweet barrier. I have become rather hooked on Tweeting the dullness of my life. I quite like the mission of putting your point across in 140 characters; it's a good skill to build up.

Negative Two - Love Life. I say 'Love Life' - it probably should be 'Lack of a Love Life'. I have now gone over 18 months of singleness. That doesn't bother me too much; I'm quite content only having to worry about myself and not having the hassle, but it kind of gets to you when you have friends which are happy and giddy about being in love with 'The One' as they often refer to them as and declaring how hard it would be to survive without them. I'm quite the cynic in the realms of love which probably is a good explanation as to why I'm single in the first place.

Positive Three - Driving. Again, quite a silly thing to put as a positive of my year, but then I am sad like that. I've waited years to be able to drive, and now I've reached the age in which I can. I've enjoyed my lessons - all 32 of them with my instructor making them more enjoyable. The hope that early next year I will be able to drive on my own is a positive of this year. People should be on the lookout for a boy driving an orange Nissan Micra soon in the future (Hopefully).

Negative Three - Depression. Something I've suffered with badly and quietly this year. One obvious observation I've had of depression is that it's not very nice and can be quite lonely. This again has caused a loss of confidence, but it's something I'm aiming to change in 2010; let’s just hope it works out so I can spend next year being happy and smiling.

Positive Four - Maturity. Despite still being relatively immature a majority of the time (something which adds to my 'charm'), I have become much more mature this year - maybe as a result of all the negative happenings in the past year, but who knows. I've certainly given 'my' life more direction with me setting goals to achieve and deciding that I'd like to get into Journalism - whether I end up working in a supermarket remains to be seen however.

Negative Four - Doctors. I've spent a lot of this year being in and out of the Doctors Surgery and they are not the happiest moments of my life. Literary on the 1st January I went deaf and was for two months before I finally had my ears syringed. Been to the doctors for problems with my feet, continuous headaches and then recently - deaf again and having ears syringed, so a nice full circle. Hopefully I'll be better next year though.

Positive Five - Scrubs. Another silly little thing which in some way has improved my year. This time last year I'd never watched one episode, and now I've watched them all at least twice - that's commitment. Every evening before I go to bed I watch and episode or two which I've recorded. Those digital recorders are very good you know!

Negative Five - Money. My God, I've gotten through some money this year - and I don't even have a job. A few thousand on car-related stuff, the odd hundred here and there buying stuff for myself (latest one a new Hi-Fi for my room), buying stuff for school (Photography isn't a cheap subject) and now Christmas - I'm refusing to work out how much I've spent for Christmas because I don't fancy a heart attack really. I'm praying I pass my driving test because petrol is cheaper than lessons and another test...

Positive Six - Comedy. Can't beat a bit of comedy to cheer yourself up can you? Seeing Milton Jones, Sean Lock and Lee Mack in a space of just over a month certainly is a big highlight for me. I'm not going to go through it again, because I've already written a blog about it, but it's a good experience and something you have to make sure you do! Who'll I see next year I wonder?

Negative Six - Media. I don't mean the subject which I dropped in May, I mean the newspapers and television and everything else. Being constantly informed of Katie Price's life, Kerry Katona being drugged up, Tiger Woods playing away, Jedward annoying the nation, Susan Boyle having a mental breakdown or Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite - they're all things I don't care about and have made this year hell for me and every other sane person in Britain.

Positive Seven - Advertisement. It was good to have Mr Karnavas mention my blog at the end of his speech at the Presentation Evening. Mind you, I don't know what he said about it because I wasn't listening - I perked up when he said 'Stuart' and missed the beginning of it. I'm not sure advertising to a room of 300 bored people was the best form of advertisement, but as they say ‘Any publicity is good publicity’. Something for you to try if you get bored though: If you go on Google and search 'Phil Karnavas Murder' my blog comes up first. It's the small things in life...

Negative Seven - Time. I have no time to myself really, which everyone needs a bit of. If I'm not at school I'm usually doing school work. Occasionally you'll see me with friends, but even that's not time to myself. I like time to myself just listening to some tunes and writing a blog like this. I'm writing this blog instead of attempting my mountain of English and Photography work for example...

Positive Eight - Friends. The best positive of the lot. It may have been a relatively rubbish year for me and I'm not exactly expecting 2010 to be a better year, but I know my friends will always cheer me up, like they have this year; unless they get fed up of trying, but I doubt they will. Anywho, I thank them.
Well, sorry for the long blog; went on longer than I anticipated. That's my year in 1,215 words anyway - hope your 2009 has been good and hope 2010 is another great year for you!

Remember to continue to read The Blog Of Stuart: It's the only blog mentioned by Mr Karnavas at this year’s CHS Presentation Evening.

Apology 01/01/10:

My comments about Mr Karnavas's speech being boring (in Positive Seven) is actually false. I and my fellow classmates in no way found it boring. It was an enlightening speech about our schools achievements. I apologise now to Mr Karnavas and anyone else offended by my comments and for any upset caused. This was an unfair representation of a man who is full of life, witty and a generally good guy.

The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

My Comedy Nights Reviewed

In recent months, instead of concentrating all my time on my A-levels to try and get fantastic grades and get into University, I've been out sitting in the audience of numerous comedy gigs. The first one was more a magic show, in which comedy was included and that was 'A Night With Paul Daniels' in October. In November I went and sat in the audience of Milton Jones; a one-liner comedian who is the English equivalent to Stewart Francis and a hairier version of Tim Vine. December saw me go and watch Sean Lock who can regularly be seen on Comedy Panel Shows and then Lee Mack a week later who occasionally is seen on Live At The Apollo and on Not Going Out. Also, I've been reviewing these shows...

Paul Daniels I saw on the 9th October at the Village Hall which is about a 30 seconds walk from my house, which is surprisingly close for a famous person to be from my house. I was surprised to learn that not many people of a similar age to me know who he is. He is the last of the proper performers in my opinion. This was just after Derren Brown's shows on Channel Four so magic was fresh in my head. One of the tricks Derren Brown done with the nation was make them stick to their seats, something which Daniels done on a smaller, similar scale. He had two men onstage; one of which was sat down and the other standing behind a chair and holding the back of it. He made them convinced for about 10 minutes that they could not move, which was a funny experience to watch.
Paul Daniel's brought his wife and assistant Debbie McGee with him as well, and between them they worked the audience well, but after doing this for 30 years, you certainly would hope they could. He is actually rather a funny man, with lots of interesting thoughts. He also allowed audience members to ask him questions, some were rather appalling and others were very good which left Daniels demonstrating his wit and making the audience laugh - not bad for 71 year old it has to be said.
On the 6th November at the Gulbenkian Theatre, I went to see Milton Jones. It has to be said, he isn't particularly well known with the stereotypical teenager, what with him having a show on Radio 4, but a recent appearance on Mock The Week, replacing David Mitchell who replaced Frankie Boyle, made him briefly known. I've known of him for a long time, and after listening to a few shows, decided I liked him. He is a very funny man and not for people who aren't fast to get jokes. By the time you've understood the first joke, you would have missed the following three.
The warm-up act was a man called Paul Kerensa from Devon. What do I remember most about him? Is it his any of his jokes? Nope. Maybe it's the fact he has ginger hair? No It's the fact he showed us his belly, to prove that he doesn't have a belly button. To be honest, he could have just walked on stage without a shirt on and he'd have made a lasting impression on every single person in that theatre. It seems people (including me) are mesmerised by people with deformities.
After that Milton Jones came on stage (dressed as an old man) to tell some awful, but hilarious bad jokes. This was my first exposure to a proper live comedy gig, so I was disappointed when the person in front turned out to be a heckler. This is a man who we concluded was a cross between Jimmy Saville and an unfunny Vic Reeves. Why people pay to go and watch a show to then shout 'You're rubbish' half way through makes no sense to me. Luckily comedians have a quick wit to deal with idiots like that. Apart from that, I really enjoyed it and I urge you to find out who he is if you don't already know who he is.
The best bit for me was when it had finished and we were standing outside when who should walk past... That's right, Milton Jones. I felt the need to ask 'How are you?' before saying 'Good show'. Not my proudest moment, but he's added to my list of comedians I've spoken to, with Vic Reeves being the only other name on that list.
Monday 7th December came along and that evening I went to see Sean Lock; warming up for next year’s tour - and we were on the fourth row. I have always considered him to be my favourite comic, and seeing him live was a proud moment in my life. I’ve also always considered him to be 'The Panel Show Whore' with him doing shows from BBC's 'Qi' and 'Have I Got News For You', to Channel Four's '8 Out Of 10 Cats' and even Dave's 'Arguemental’. It’s good to just go and see him on stage by himself instead, and I think he is funnier by himself.
As obviously expected, he was very funny. This time the hecklers where much nicer, with one shouting out 'I love you'; how sweet was that? Another heckler who sat behind us was like Rayman - she knew the position of every seat in the theatre - so naturally this provided some comedy for him for a few minutes. From the show we also learnt that Canterbury people get very nervous when asked to think of a letter and also don't like it when someone steals their turn to talk to the man on stage. In a part of the show named 'Audience Battleships', he would shout out a seat number and whoever is sat in that seat he'll speak to. However this isn't a good game to play to a room full people who don't know where they're sitting.
The best image I got from that evening was possibly the idea of Nick Griffin being on fire, and Sean Lock 'having a service station piss on his feet' to put his feet out; then the idea that an Asian paramedic coming and Sean Lock sending them away also 'tickled my funny bone'. So watch out for that gag on Live At The Apollo next year... There are loads of other jokes of course, but the problem I have is that I walked out of the 2 hour gig knowing it was amusing, but only being able to remember a handful of jokes.
A week later, Monday the 14th December, I went to see Lee Mack. How lucky was I, being able to watch two very funny comedians on two Monday's running. Lee Mack is well known for his show 'Not Going Out' and appearing on 'Live At The Apollo' pretty much every series. He has always been one of my favourite stand-up comics, but after seeing him live he has now become my favourite stand-up comic - Live he is hilarious. The warm-up act was Simon Evans and he is one of the writers of 'Not Going Out' along with, coincidently, Paul Kerensa (The warm-up act from Milton Jones), also writes and directs 'Not Going Out'. ALSO, Milton Jones has written the odd bit for Not Going Out; I only just found all this out and that is why you should do research before publishing writing. It amazed me.
Anyway, Simon Evans is a very funny man. A posh man dressed in a waistcoat who swore created quite a funny juxtaposition. Also, with good old fashioned racist jokes about the Welsh, how could he go wrong?
Back to Mack, and he started his part by locking someone in a box and calling a man on the front row a paedophile - I think if a comedian can do this without getting punched in the face, then he's very good. This is what has made him my favourite stand-up act; he's ability to involve and bounce off of the audience. A comedian having a five minute rant at a local area named 'The Isle Of Thanet' is hardly something he could have prepared for and it is his ability to do this which makes him great. Then going behind the curtain and realising there is Pantomime staging behind it brought on more laughs, with him resorting to kicking it to annoy the staff. At the end he lets the audience ask him questions, but it ended up with him just being asked to repeat gags from his last tour, none of which he done, but then why should he?
This show ended up being nearly 3 hours long, and was the most I've laughed all year. This was also a warm-up for his gigs next year, so if you're going to see him you'll have a great time. Two piece of advice though: The first, if you're claustrophobic, don't sit on the front row. The second is if you suffer from incontinence and have the need to go the toilet during the show, don’t back chat him because he’ll always win. The amount of people who done that was actually very surprising.

To be honest, I think you should all be bloody jealous of me and my comedy social life. All four evenings cost me £33 pound overall, so I'm not complaining. What wonders I'll see in 2010 we'll have to wait and see, but hopefully it might include names such as Stewart Francis and Sarah Millican, but we shall have to wait and see.

This blog has turned out to be one of my longest – these blogs aren’t just thrown together you know; hours of effort goes into writing and I had to sit through around 9 hours of comedy to review just for you!

It’s not all fun fun fun...

It's Unconventionally Close Now

It's not long before my driving test now; in fact I have my test on the 6th January which is the equivalent of 3 more driving lessons - it's becoming a scary thought considering I can't get much practice in my own car in because of all this blooming snow and ice. Anywho, I've not blogged for a while about my driving lessons, and I have 6 lessons in which to boringly inform you about. I hope I past my test first time because I don't think I could bear the tedium of having to blog about more driving lessons...

Lesson 23 then, and it was what I consider to be a very good driving lesson which I enjoyed. The lesson was mainly through country roads and was of course - an unconventional driving lesson. How many people have a driving lesson where they come across a telegraph pole across the road? My Driving Instructor doing the right thing, phoned the police to inform them while I carried of driving which meant I ended doing 20 minutes driving on my own, which was good. Besides that, I did do a reverse around a corner, into a parking space, a parallel park and also a three point turn.

Lesson 24 wasn't as exciting as the previous lesson. Essentially, it was just a boring hour drive around Canterbury with lots of traffic; in which I done (as you can guess by now) a three point turn, parallel parking, reversing into a parking space and reversing around a corner.
Lesson 25 was the same, driving around boring Canterbury, in what seemed to be a huge circle. I done a three point turn, a parallel park, reversed around a corner and into two parking spaces. The first one took 4 attempts before I done it properly - why I do not know. The second I felt was a much harder space to reverse into and managed to do it quite successfully.

Lesson 26 and it went very well and again enjoyed the lesson. I done the usual three point turn, a parallel park and reversed around a corner. I made no mistakes. However, as is common in my driving lessons, all the brake lighting failed, so 10 minutes of my lesson was at the back of the car replacing the bulbs. It's good experience anyway. This happened a few months ago as well.
Lesson 27 followed in the car's record for being very reliable with me doing the lessons with an almost broken clutch. This meant I had to be very careful with it, and again is a good experience I suppose. I done a three point turn and reversed around a corner - which for some reason I couldn't do properly.

Lesson 28 was in the dark - my first lesson in the dark to be precise... Well, considering that fact, it went very well I thought. I didn't know how to use the car lights, so there may have been the odd time in which I was driving in the pitch black. I now know how to work them however. Despite the fact it was a night time lesson, I still had to do a parallel park which went well. Also, I had to do a three point turn, which ended up being a 5 point turn because I couldn't see and reversed around a corner which also didn't go particularly well because of the darkness. The thing is, in the dark it's hard to see where you're going - would you believe that?

I get on well with my driving instructor, and the reason for this is that we share a similar tendency to have big pointless rants about insignificant things. A man not indicating at a roundabout can result in him moaning for 10 minutes at how dangerous it can be. Also, he seems to have a different word every few weeks to call people. Usually it's child-friendly words such as 'Plank' or 'Twit' but his new word for the past few weeks is 'Pleb', which I think may be a slightly strong word to call someone who forgot to put a blinking light on. Never-the-less, he's alright.

The next blog about my driving I expect will be telling you about my remaining three lessons and then how my test went; whether I passed or failed. I am actually quite confident about it. The only things which I think will let me down are my observation and reversing into a parking bay. Those are the two things which I have the biggest problem with. Hopefully it won't affect me and I'll pass first time; purely because I can't afford to take my test again...

The Tiger, The Wife And The Car

I was actually quite pleased with that blog title, because it's just like 'The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe' but of course, subtly changed but anyway; onwards with the blog moaning Tiger Woods and his Hardwood (expect more bad puns like that). It all started off as an innocent but stupid crash where he hit a tree and then a fire hydrant, but now has escalated to him being accused of multiple affairs, his Mother-in-law being hospitalised, him quitting Golf indefinably and now Gillette are limiting his advertising work for them.

Two weeks ago he was the most important news story, despite the fact that the same day 30 people died in a Russian Train being blown up, just because he hit a tree when driving out of his driveway and then rumoured that his wife came and smashed the windscreen with a Golf club to save him and then Tiger having to go to hospital. Those 30 people dying were unimportant compared to an American Golfer being in a small car crash.

Then somehow he started getting accused of having affairs with numerous women by the media and a woman on the TV claiming that she was one of them. How it got from him being in a car crash to him having affairs I do not know. All I know is that by the sounds of it, he's had too much practice tapping balls into holes, if you will pardon the revolting image that pun has put into your mind.
He then puts a gagging order on the British media, which will stop them publishing new stories about him; the more cynical of us would be forgiven for thinking he had something else to hide. Despite that, in most of this Sunday's papers they had more information about his affairs with yet another coming forward and saying she was with him on the night Tiger's father died. The life of professional golfers doesn't seem to be all hard wood, sorry, hard work.

Now he has finally admitted to being unfaithful to his wife (he could hardly deny it anymore), he has said he will stop playing Golf/advertising and concentrate more time to being a better husband/father. The amount of money he's made from advertising Gillette products, is incredible. I wonder how many close shaves he had before his wife finally found he was having an affair... He is quite the violent man. You can't turn the TV on without seeing him hit a Golf ball at men with razors in their hand.
Do you think that Tiger Woods will be replaced by Lewis Hamilton, who'll run over men who have been to the shops and brought a disposable razor? For a closer shave, Lewis Hamilton will attach razor blades to the bottom of his F1 car and when he runs over the unsuspecting man, he'll give them an even closer shave in return?

In the sports section of one of the papers I read last week, Tiger Woods now snores after his crash, which sparked this sarcastic reply from me: "Oh my dear lord! Will he ever be able to get a good night sleep again? Maybe he'll never be able to play Golf at professional level again! What if he had to start wearing a plaster on his nose to stop him snoring? Would he start advertising for them too? However, it would make it easier for his wife to find out which woman he was sleeping with that night - just follow the sounds." He's getting as bad as Jade Goody or Katie Price.

Fine, we get the idea; you crashed a car then got found out you had an affair(s). Why has it carried on so long? No-one particularly cares about him. I think it's the first time Golf has come across as fun in the media. Hopefully now everything will calm down and I can get on with my life until the next 'celebrity' comes along and takes the media spotlight for a few weeks. Why the heck a man having an affair is top story for two weeks I do not know. Well, I do know, but I don’t think his affair is of any importance to anyone.

To be honest, the only reason for doing this blog was to use some bad puns/euphemisms which I’ve thought about during the past week or so. Also, to rant because I really don’t think this story is worthy of keep being top news story every day on the TV, Radio and in the papers.

Expect a few blogs between now and New Year.

New Moon: The Stuart Review

It took a few attempts, but finally we got to see New Moon; or as a lot of people call it 'The New Twilight Movie'. You see, emo teenage girls very rarely get excited, and when something which appeals to them is on at the cinema, they all go together, thus making it impossible for anyone else to see it. Overall, the film is good though. Do I need to say anything else? Well I suppose I need to make the blog a bit longer...

The last film I done a review of (which was over a year ago) was when I got dragged to see High School Musical 3, and I'm pleased to report it's not as crap as that and is in no-way a cheesy film. High School Musical is such a cheesy film and the more I watch it, the more the hatred grows. It's a film that's cheesier than Wallace & Gromit's crackers, or if you didn't like that metaphor, it's cheesier than a fat-man's pairs of socks after walking from the sofa to kitchen and back to get a packet of biscuits. You can choose which metaphor suits it best.

Like High School Musical, New Moon appeals to the teenage girls in particular. It's one of them films where every man in the audience could just walk out and none of the women would notice because they're too busy ogling Edward's eyebrows or Jacob's tortoise-like shoulders. It's moments like that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend, as it seems like a bit of an awkward experience being forced to watch a movie with them, so they can drool over it while you twiddle your thumbs.

Everyone seems to find the actors 'fit', but I don't agree. As a result of explaining, I may end up getting lynched by teenage girls grasping razors, so if you love Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, I suggest you skip this paragraph. Robert Pattinson, in this film, has two rather big eyebrows which make Susan Boyle's eyebrows look an average size. His pale complexion just makes him look ill and the six pack he has drawn on, is like someone started drawing a pretty pattern on him but got bored half way through. Overall, I can't see his appeal. As for Taylor Lautner, with his hair cut and top off, he does look significantly like a naked tortoise. His six pack isn't drawn on, but his shoulders freak me out - they're too diagonal for my liking. This is also a reason why I wouldn't make a very successful girl.
One bit which kept me amused for a few minutes was the part towards the beginning with Bella and Edward in the woods when he tells her he has to leave. The script goes something like this:
Bella- I want to come.
Edward- I don't want you to come.
If I find out I was the only person to laugh at that bit, I will have to go and teach every person who went to watch it the art of comedy timing and explain 'euphemisms'. I think that was the best bit of the movie.

They've even began advertising in films now as well. They showed a Virgin America plane flying in the sky - something not exactly necessary for the plot. The fact one minute they're in America, the next in Italy is enough really. I wonder how much Richard Branson paid for that? I am told the Virgin Plane is symbiotic of Bella, but I'm not going into that.

I had a thought while watching New Moon during the scene with Bella getting a paper cut. With just one drop of blood, the vampire's have a thirst for blood. So can someone answer me this question... What happens when it's Bella's 'time of the month'? Surely, once a month for a few days, Bella has to stay away from the Cullens. What stops the Vampires from smelling that blood? Someone please tell me.

I would quite like to go to the cinema one time and swap New Moon for an old Vampire movie and see how they all react to it. A majority of Vampires in New Moon are very nice and lovely, as are the Werewolves who help everyone and just protect people. In old Vampire and Werewolf movies, they're the complete opposite, and I'd like to see how Twilight fanatics cope with it. I bet it wouldn't take them long to recognise it's the wrong movie.

The soundtrack for New Moon is well, depressing. It has some of my favourite bands such as OK Go, Muse, The Killers, Editors and Radiohead's Thom Yorke, but they've not exactly picked happy songs. However, they do go very well with how they are positioned in the film and add to the atmosphere. I just wouldn't rush out and buy the soundtrack to listen to on its own - the CD may as well come with a free razor.
Despite all that though, I very much enjoyed the film, and I think it's better than Twilight. Next film to come out to add to the saga is Eclipse, so I'll look forward to that being even better. After that it'll be Breaking Dawn, and then maybe Midnight Sun. I think if there is a sixth instalment, it will be called 'Morning Breath'. I should just point out, the only reason I know so much about all this and the reason I went to see the film in the first place, is because of my friends who have constantly talked about it, dragged me to the cinema and forced me to watch DVD's. I suppose I should grateful they've not glued each book to my hands and forced me to read them...

One more thing - if anyone asks, I support Team Edward (and no, it’s not a euphemism for being gay).

Thank-You God For Murders, Floods and Reality Television

This week Canterbury has been in the news lot. A murder, a shooting and local headteacher Phil Karnavas (Canterbury High - Woop!) in The Guardian (which I unsuspectingly saw on a train to London) moaning about the Government’s attitude towards education. You can tell a lot about a city by where their shootings happen. In London people get shot in 'da ghettos', in Liverpool it's randomly on the street and in Canterbury it's in Morrisons, next to the cleaning products isle. Who cares about that though? All everyone really cares about this week is X-Factor, I'm A Celebrity and Cocks In Mouths - oh sorry, it's Cockermouth, my mistake.

Pretty much everyone has heard this week that in the heavy rain, a place in Cumbria called 'Cockermouth', got flooded. Now, am I only one that laughed the morning it happened when they were talking about it on the news? Surely it isn't just me who is that immature. Listening to the news has become a battle, seeing who many times the news reporter can say 'Cockermouth' before you laugh. Who named that place anyway? It's a ridiculous name for a town. I have a theory about how it came to get that name...
The Mayor was having a conversation on the phone to the sign makers who were going to design the new sign for the town, when all of a sudden a prostitute walks in. The Mayor then shouted 'My cocks in her mouth', but because the phone line was dodgy it came out the other end as 'cockermouth', and the Mayor, to embarrassed to tell this story, decided he would change the name of the town instead. That’s my theory anyway.
Now everytime it rains, a man standing by the river says on the news report that ‘Cockermouth is at risk of being flooded again’, when really it's only a 10 minute shower. People really are very paranoid when it comes to flooding. I'm only going to worry about flooding when a giant wooden boat sails past my house smelling like a farmyard...
A farmyard links me nicely to this year’s 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'. I'm going to attempt to write about it, even though I've not watched one second of it this year. It certainly has run its course. People still watch it, and people still feel the need to tell me what's going on, but really, it's the same kangaroo-testical-eating-nonsense as it was 8 years ago. ITV have missed out on one good piece of marketing however. Imagine if ITV done 3D week instead of Channel 4; the nation be invited to watch Katie Price's breasts in 3 dimensions. That's a scary thought, but it would have made all the lonely old men rush to Sainsbury's to get a pair of glasses to watch her pair of jugs.
Katie Price walked out of the jungle after a week, when she realised that no-one liked her after being nominated to do every bush tucker trial. She apparently went into the jungle to get closure - well I have a piece of advice for you Katie Price -'Close your legs, close your mouth and f*** off'. Harsh, I know, but she really does annoy me these days.
When she walked out, she then dumped her boyfriend on live television, and now the papers are relishing the fact that the ex-boyfriend may sell some naughty images of her. It really has been another few weeks of Katie Price cluttering up my head with useless information I don't want to know about her.
How unlucky ITV were Sunday night. They lost two pairs of tits in on evening. Before Katie Price left I'm A Celebrity, John and Edward were finally booted off the X-Factor. I believe that 'Jedward', as people call them, are the singing equivalent to Nick Griffin. No-one likes them, but someone must have voted for them for them to last so long. The Irish Twats... Twits... Twins (I got there eventually) during their time, danced with a giant marshmallow while ‘singing’ Ghostbusters, ‘sang’ numerous Queen songs, ‘rapped’ wearing white jump suits and also ‘sang’ a Britney Spears song while wearing red Lycra. Multitalented certainly isn't a word I'd use to describe them. The next day, there were rumours that 'Jedward' where going to fly to Australia and join the I'm A Celebrity jungle – it is amazing how gullible the public are.
Right, that's the end of this satirical blog. My target is to do a satirical blog once a week about things which have happened during that week. How long this will last, I don't know, but I will but try. I shall still do my long blogs though, and the next blog will be about New Moon...


P.S. I'm not religious.

Is A Misspelling Really Disrespectful?

No, and to be honest, if you think it is you are either stupid or pathetic. Gordon Brown is the only Prime Minister who can write a letter to a woman who lost her son and then get criticised for spelling three words wrong. This is a man who can do no good. He hand writes a letters, and gets mocked by the country for not being able spell, but if he typed it, people would be moaning that they're not personal enough. I feel sorry for him.
I am in no way his biggest fan, and the fact I support the conservatives helps to illustrate this point, but I have so much sympathy for this man. He misspelt the name of the dead solider, as well as misspelling 'Greatest' and 'Condolences', and to be honest, I'd like to see how many average people can spell Condolences correctly with only one eye. The stupid members of the public and 'The Media' seem to forget that politicians are also human, and are prone to making the occasional mistake, especially typing. I make so many spelling mistakes when I write these blogs, but I don't go and hang myself every time because I may have 'disrespected' someone.

Then we go onto the name. This women's name is Mrs Janes, and Mr Brown spelt it 'Mrs James'. Now that's hardly a huge mistake, putting an 'M' instead of an 'N' is a mistake people make every day. Also, Mrs Janes - what kind of name is that anyway? I've never heard of 'Jane' being used as a surname, so you can understand how small this mistake by Gordon Brown was. Mrs James is a much more plausible name.

Why has Gordon Brown got to apologise for not being perfect? If I got told by my English teacher that I in some way insulted her by misspelling a word, I wouldn't apologise, and not because I'm a rebel, but because it's such an insignificant thing. What kind of person gets insulted by a misspelling? Sure, she is grieving for her son, but going to The Sun and telling them Gordon Brown insulted her by not using a dictionary is quite pathetic.

Another reason why I sympathise with Gordon Brown and his one eye, is because of my Nan. She is partially sighted and she tries to write things occasionally, and she'll write in my birthday card. However, when she puts 'Dear Staurt' by accident, I don't go and have a hissy fit and run around crying and claiming she hates me and doesn't love me at all, just because she couldn't spell my name correctly, and then end up going on Jeremy Kyle with the problem 'My Nan Can't Spell My Name - I Want An Apology' or consider suing her because I want compensation. No, I don't even mention it. Maybe it's just me being nice, but I like to think it's me not being stupid and pathetic and accepting the fact she is partially sighted.

I'm not the only person who thinks this either. On Twitter this morning I had people agreeing with, and someone even re-tweeted my tweet saying 'Why are people making such a big fuss over Gordon Brown's spelling? An 'M' instead of an 'N'. It's hardly a big mistake' to share with her followers. To be honest, I'm from the group of people that think the only thing The Sun is useful for is for whipping the bottom of a tramp; so this really shouldn't be considered as news anyway. I can see the headline on the front of The Sun tomorrow claiming that the reason we're full of immigrants is because he can't spell. The Sun isn't written by journalists, it's merely just a load of words put together to almost make a proper sentence, by someone who failed GCSE English. Idiots.

Earlier today, this story was the top news story on the BBC News website. Proving that Gordon Brown is prone to the occasional mistake, and therefore proving he is a human, isn't news. The same for all politicians; where has this idea that politicians should ALWAYS be perfect come from? Did we once have a theory that politicians are not human, but have in fact evolved from humans to become a perfect race of people who should be capable to run a country? If that's true, then something really has gone wrong.

One more thing to illustrate my point – George Bush. Now, there’s a man who ran a country for 8 years, despite the fact he is far from perfect, and made so many mistakes that if he had donated one dollar for every mistake, we wouldn’t be a recession be now. In comparison to him, Gordon Brown should be a member of Mensa!

Anywho, I feel much better now I’ve got that off my chest. It’s just irritated me keep hearing throughout the day on the news.

Nearly There - Unconventionally Of Course

Hello blog fans or people who have nothing better to do; here is a blog about my recent driving lessons. I've now started doing six lessons to a blog, so here is a hefty blog for you to read. Hopefully, I shouldn't have to do too many more blogs on this subject as I am nearing the end of lessons and taking the sprint to a driving test instead.

So, let’s start where we left off - Lesson 17. The lesson started well, but it eventually went into disaster and my worst lesson ever. Disaster (maybe slightly exaggerated) started at traffic lights, waiting to go off onto a dual carriageway. As soon as the lights went green, a bloke with a caravan blocked the entrance and when he moved, the lights had gone red again. My instructor was not happy. Anywho, the dual carriageway took me to roads I've never been on ever; as a passenger nor a driver, and for 30 seconds I done absolutely nothing right. I didn't read the signs, so I didn't know immediately after the corner there was a roundabout. As I didn't know, I didn't slow down, thus panicked when I got there and went way too fast the wrong way around the roundabout and took the wrong turning. There was no-one on the roundabout at the time so there was no accident. Anyway, confidence took a bit of a shock but went on to do a three-point turn, reversing around a corner and parallel parking.

Lesson 18 wasn't as exciting. It was meant to be in the dark, but due to him getting a puncture, got changed to the next morning - in daylight. Nothing went drastically wrong, done the usual reversing around a corner, a three-point turn and a parallel park. With it being a Friday morning, there was rather a lot of traffic about, so a lot of the lesson was at 5MPH. Good practice though.

Lesson 19 was again around Canterbury, and was again in lots of traffic. I made one major mistake, when I drove past my Grandad in his car; I paid more attention to him than where I was driving. Luckily no-one died as a result though. This won't come as much as a surprise to you, but I done a three-point turn, reversing around a corner and parallel park. There was one surprise though, which was slightly disturbing. When waiting at traffic lights, a woman walked across the road and my instructor commented on how sexy she looked. It did distract me slightly from the lights changing colour.

Lesson 20, and I'd love to tell you how well it went, but honestly - I don't remember any of it what so ever. I expect we done a three point turn, reversing around a corner and a parallel park. However, seeing as I don't remember it, we can conclude from that fact, the lesson went smoothly, with nothing extraordinary happening, there can't have been any big mistakes and no-one could've died as a result of my driving.

Now onto Lesson 21. It was just around Canterbury again making silly little mistakes and I am no longer making any big major mistakes. We did the usual reversing around a corner, parallel parking, three-point turning and reversing into a parking space. It was a morning and therefore lots of traffic as usual. I saw a train though! Had to stop at a crossing and a steam engine went past. Now that's something you don't usually see in Canterbury.

And Lesson 22, which went very well. We took the same route as was planned for Lesson 17 (the first one in this blog post) and seeing as I knew what was around the corner, I slowed down properly, went the right way around and also took the correct exit, so that done my confidence a lot of good. Infact, this lesson was my first lesson where nothing went wrong, and it was in the early evening and having to use light. Also, I did reversing around a corner, into a parking space, parallel parking and also a three-point turn unsurprisingly.

Thanks to me having a few good lessons in a row and nothing too silly going on, next week I shall be booking my driving test. Next week my instructor will tell me how to book it and then I shall come home and book a test. With any luck I could be driving by Christmas and I may have even taken my test by the next time I post a blog. Obviously, I'm not about to get really big headed and say I'm going to pass first time - that'd be absurd, but I am confident about it, so with luck I will pass.

One thing I need to stop doing is as we drive past girls, I tend to take my line of vision away from the road and towards the pathment, so this is something I need to stop myself doing so much. My instructor keeps commenting on this as well. I suppose it's one of the curses of being single - having wandering eyes...

ANYWHO, that's the end. Wish me luck for my test!

Bully Nick Griffin Time

'What's so special about Question Time this week?' a friend asked me and when I said because Nick Griffin from the BNP was on it, they replied with 'Oh, is he that racist guy everyone hates and calls Hitler?' which I think is a good way of summing him up really. Just as Question Time started on BBC 1, a storm was going over my house, and just as the title sequence started, a huge bolt of lightning went across the sky... Coincidence? Probably, but it could also mean God was rather pissed like a majority of people.

Was Question Time a fair and unbiased program? Of course it bloody wasn't, it's only the BBC. No it turned out to be a competition on who hates Nick Griffin more. Was it the audience who laughed at every point that could be taken as slightly hypocritical and sneered at reasonable responses? Was it Bonnie Greer the black female writer who sat next to him constantly asking what he defines as British? Was it Jack Straw who seemed surprised when he was asked a question about his cock-up in immigration? Maybe it was Baroness Warsi (the Conservative spokeswomen for community cohesion (whatever that is)) who hated every answer Nick Griffin gave? Or possibly it was Chris Huhne, a Liberal Democrat who just hated Nick Griffin purely because he lost out to Mr Griffin in the elections? It's hard to tell.
A huge majority of the show was purely people asking Nick Griffin questions and then calling him a blatant liar. Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of people from ethnic backgrounds in the audience and the camera would be quick to cut to one if they pulled a face which could be interpreted as disgust. Is Nick Griffin really racist though? And I think the answer is no, it's just all been taken way out of context by the media, and everytime he said this - guess what - He'd get laughed at and called a liar. Someone even called him 'Dick Griffin' which is such an original insult. I think that member of the audience came up with it all by himself - such a clever boy. To be honest, if this happened at school, it'd be classed as 'Bullying' and with them filming it, and metaphorically slapping him and laughing; it can also be classed as 'Happy Slapping'. Yes, David Dimbleby and his friends where happy slapping Nick Griffin on BBC 1, and on Friday, everyone seemed surprised that Nick Griffin was making a formal complaint to the BBC about the episode. He too (and rightly so) believed he was bullied on BBC 1 on Thursday evening.

I personally think Nick Griffin came across as a very professional politician, which is something not usually said about politicians. Through all the grief he got, in my opinion he coped with it very well and took it in a light-hearted way infront of the cameras. When asked what his view on Islam was, Mr Griffin gave an answer which is correct. He basically said that he disagreed with the opinions of Islam and certain things in the Qur'an, for example their treatment of women. Now, had that question been asked by a law student from Essex and answered exactly the same way by David Cameron, it would have been expectable; seeing as it was asked by a Muslim and directed at Nick Griffin, it wasn't seen as an unexpectable answer.

Anyway, eventually the subject changed to Jan Moir's article about Steven Gately. Every member of the panel all said that she had the right to say those things and The Daily Mail to print the article, so that was repeated 5 times. As you can guess, once the subject changed to homosexuals, Nick Griffin was dragged back into the centre for yet another bashing by the rest of panel and the audience.

I am intrigued by the voting system and freedom of speech at the moment. Members of the public voted for Nick Griffin, which meant he had made it so far up the metaphorical ladder of politics, that he now completed the entry requirements for Question Time, and the BBC where completely right to allow him to have an appearance on Question Time because of this. We're also constantly reminded that we have freedom of speech, so therefore why are people against him talking? It does seem that we're only allowed this basic human right as long as we don't offend anyone and the comment passing out of our lips if Politically Correct. If no-one likes him, then who voted for him? It is very much like John and Edward on X-Factor at the moment; no-one likes them, but someone keeps voting for them. Granted, that's the only time Griffin is going to be compared to two 18 year old lads, but I like uniqueness.

One thing which was constantly said, was that it was the 'BNP's Christmas come early' them appearing on Question Time. And it was, but not for the reasons in which they insinuated. It was more because the BNP have come across as more vulnerable during this bullying, and have therefore come across in a more positive light. Mr Griffin only lowered himself once in below-the-belt punches. A comment about his father fighting in the war, and Jack Straw's father being arrested for refusal to fight, in some way meant that Nick Griffin could not possibly be the love-child of Adolf Hitler.
This point has been proven, with a new poll out today. 1 in 7 people would back the BNP, all thanks to the episode. Now that's a real kick in the mouth for everyone who spent that hour 'Happy Slapping' him in hope of degrading him. Yet everyone is now raging about this; it seems no-one is going to own up to answering yes on this poll.

On Friday morning just as I walked out of the bathroom, the TV was on, and guess who was on GMTV... No it wasn't Nick Griffin, it was Chris Huhne. You remember him surely; I only just told he was a Liberal Democrat. Anyway, he was on there spreading his message of hatred and giving his view on how successful he felt the show was and how it made Nick Griffin and the BNP look. I don't know what he said because I was using the hair dryer while staring at the television, but it didn't look positive.

Just incase you are part of the huge majority who would 'happily pay for him to be deported to the Antarctic where everything is white' and find Nick Griffin 'repulsive' (they're quotes from Question Time, not from me) then here is a bit of material for you; What's with Nick Griffin's wafty eye? He could look at the audience and at David Dimbleby's neon green tie at the same time.
If that didn't please you, here is a link to a website where you can endless hours of repetitive fun.
http://www.slapnickgriffin.co.uk/

A Goody, Jackson And Gately Special

Okay, I had planned to do a Jade Goody special to remind ourselves of the times Jade Goody has been mentioned in my blogs, but with the recent death of Mr Steven Gately, I've decided to slightly alter the subject for this blog. It's now become a 'homage' to Jade Goody, Michael Jackson and Steven Gately, and guess what - Jade Goody still doesn't come across as a popular character.

My obsession with Jade Goody all started when she got cancer really. Before that she remained below my radar of annoyance, and I had apathetic feelings about her. Like I said though, this changed and I made it known. "She is getting no sympathy from me. She is no different to the thousands, probably millions of people are diagnosed with cancer, which is terminal. So why should she be treated any different, just because she was on Big Brother in 2002." That's been my main argument against her really.

I'm quite the angry person when I'm given a free hour or two, a laptop and a subject to write about, which I think has come spilling out whenever my mind has clicked onto 'Jade Goody Rant Mode'. It can be on a subject which is in no way related to her, but I can find a link if I want to, and I'll be sure to use that link! A majority of people have someone like that though, who they absolutely, 100%, categorically, hate - and Jade Goody was my equivalent to that. She just really irritated me while she had cancer - the one opportunity she had to gain sympathy, she ignored and just grabbed lots and lots of lovely money before she died.

After she died, she still irritated me. Like all celebrity deaths, the media manages to keep dragging on and on. Michael Parkinson's very negative comment a few weeks after she died was one way. The main reason Jade Goody’s death has been dragged on, was, and still is, her now widowed husband. First he was seen being upset, then getting angry and going to court then with young, attractive girls. Every time the words 'Jack Tweed' are written by a reporter or muttered by someone reading the news, it isn't long before Jade Goody is mentioned and we're reminded of images of flowers outside her house when she died and images of the bald women in a wheelchair, with tubes up her nose and children on her knee to squeeze a bit more sympathy out of us - the gullible public.

We've had the death of Michael Jackson which has dragged on and on and on and on and on and on. Jermain Jackson is creating a reality show in which he is in search of a young boy who can dance like MJ, and will soon be beamed onto our television sets. I'm not sure what he plans to do with this child, but that's an issue for NSPCC to deal with. We've also have the release of MJ's new song called 'This Is It', and isn't really that brilliant. It's like Man In The Mirror - really, it's what you'd call a classic Michael Jackson song, but because it's by Michael Jackson, as soon as it's released it'll be number one.
Then, more recently, the death of Steven Gately. He died just as surprisingly as MJ did, and caused many Irish women to cry. How many people do you think listened to Boyzone songs that day? Rather a lot I expect. First it was suspected of foul play with Gately and his partner being seen going home accompanied by a third man. What for, we don't know, and don't really want to know. It was later found out after an autopsy that he died of natural causes. We saw images of fans crying, we've seen Ronan Keating crying and we've seen Louis Walsh's chair left empty on the X-factor the past two weeks. We've also started to see a nation unite to complain against a journalist's article in Friday's 'Daily Mail'.

Jan Moir is the women who caused The Press Complaints Commission Website to crash due to the volume of people furious over the article. The article was so bad, it caused Charlie Brooker to write an article, slating her - and on a Friday as well! Having only skimmed through the article, and not read it properly, I can make out she's not fond of homosexuals. She seems to almost think that Gately's sexuality was the cause of him dying. A natural death she seems to think not. How she would know that, I don't know. I've looked on Wikipedia, and she's neither a doctor nor a pathologist. This article is so bad that it's become a police matter - somehow.

She links the recent death of ex-civil partner to Matt Lucas, Kevin McGee to Steven Gately’s surprise death, when really the only link is their sexuality and that they're now dead. According to her, gay people can't live a long and happy life and that it's almost inevitable that the homosexuals of the world will either die of unnatural causes - she isn't very specific of how - or commit suicide. I don't think she's going to be campaigning for gay rights any time soon or indeed be invited to any Boyzone gigs and will spat on by Irish women in the street.

It's this sort of thing though, which will make me grow bored of the story and slowly but surely, the hatred will grow. Just like Jade Goody and Michael Jackson, this story is going to continue on for a while. He's now 6 feet underground, and that should be the end, but because of this 'Journalist' Jan Moir, it's going to rage on for a few more weeks. It essentially, is going to become a printed form of the Ross and Brand fiasco with Andrew Sachs. People who have never read the article, are complaining saying they are offended they should here of such a thing. So well done Ms Moir, look what you've started! Mind you, it's this sort of thing which will turn her from a relatively unknown Journalist, to a well known one.
I'm making note on how to become a well known and famous Journalist - Just call everyone a bastard and complain about every little insignificant thing and eventually I'll be a house-hold name. So, technically I'm right on track, all I need now is to start working...

The Shame Of Britain Awards

Just to start, this in no way is mocking The Pride Of Britain Awards, just merely an idea which I've had, in which we can name and shame some of Britain's more shocking people. It can be made as a follow-up to Crimewatch if we wanted. It'd also be just as popular (if not more) than the Pride Of Britain Awards because it'd appeal to the Jeremy Kyle audience who like to watch dysfunctional people be humiliated infront of a national audience.

It would still be a very similar format, with Carol Vorderman wearing a skin tight dress, and he celebrity element would still be there; all sitting around tables with bottles of wine and piles of used tissues, which I assume where used for tears. Gordon Brown would still sit at the front trying to grin, Mr Twat (A.K.A. Piers Morgan) would still try and get in every camera shot he possibly could and Simon Cowell would still be there for everyone to make snide comments about. The event wouldn't be opened by a Dance group called Diversity, but instead a Dance group called Intolerance.

The idea would not to give them awards and hailing them a 'Hero' of our time, but would instead be given an envelope. Within the envelope, would be their jail sentence written on a piece of card. The card wouldn't be given to them by celebrities, and would instead be 'given' to them by footballers. Maybe not 'given', more tied around footballs and the footballers kick the ball in their face.

Now these people have done bad things, I'm not going to ask footballers to kick balls as hard as they can in the faces of normal people. People who have stolen handbags from old ladies, murders of single mums and hit and run drivers are smacked in the face with a ball inviting them to do N number of years inside a prison at Her Majesties Pleasure. These people are locked in cages at the side of the stage and are not allowed to look at the celebrities otherwise they get tasered in the eyes. Cruel, I know.
There would still be tears, so if you want a good cry, you could still watch this show. However, you wouldn't be crying with happiness and pride, but instead disgust and because you’ll find the tales repulsive, even if you have only got a small amount of morals. The good outcome of this idea would be that the criminals would be punished, and crime wouldn't be glamorised, and only the criminal minds who want a peak of Carol Vordermen's cleavage would commit crimes. Or at least that's what the idea is anyway.

This version would also make all the people who have done remarkable things, like rescuing families from over turned cars, campaigning for Cancer charities and being constantly selfless, look even better and make them more inspirational to people to be nicer and live in a world of harmony, or we can at least hope. Anyway, that's enough on the Shame Of Britain Awards, and now onto something much more positive, The Pride Of Britain Awards.

In a time where everyone is down and depressed, these kind of inspirational stories are heart-warming that people can actually be nice; someone doing the selfless act of running across a Motorway to save a family from their crashed car and a young boy who since getting extreme Leukaemia, has become very confident and is now a main campaigner for Great Ormonds Street Hospital. It's these kinds of stories that make you forget the bad, and hammer in the good points of humanity. Selfless teenagers are quite common also, which is surprising because from what the Media has told us, all teenagers are drunk and drugged up, and if they're female - pregnant.

Being my cynical self, I always think up negative points, and I like to play a game called 'Spot The Irony'. Naomi Cambell giving an ex-convict an award for turning his life around? Surely not! A bit of favouritism for Cheryl Cole aswell from the producers -not only did she give an award to someone with some of the other Girls Aloud members, but she also gave another award with the X-Factor entourage - I think she's after Vorderman's job.

Now I'm off too contact some TV Executives, and hope no-one has taken any offence to anything.

P.S. How can Gordon Brown still look like such a mug when he gives the inventor of the MRI machine an award?

P.P.S. Blog special coming soon.

Celebration Of One Year Of My Blog Part 2

Part Two of the celebrations is here (a day late), and this part is more about peoples responses. Not many responses really, I grant you, but enough to squeeze a blog out of. I am aware that these few blogs are not the most thrilling of all time, but I will learn from my mistakes and make the year two (should it survive that long) celebrations much more fun.

"This is the first time I've read one of your blogs and it’s actually really funny". People always seem surprised that I can be funny, and I'm never sure whether to take it as a compliment or not. Okay, I've not exactly go Paul Merton's wit, Frankie Boyle's anger, David Mitchell's ranting skills or Ross Noble's randomness, but I can be funny. I suppose a lot of people only see the sensible side of me, which can come across as boring, but I'm actually not.

I always quite like it when people agree with me and it means I don't come across as a highly opinionated freak. "I like this... Alot! 'my opinion is that their whole relationship was publicity based, and that they only broke up because ITV 2 wouldn't renew their contract for another series.' LMAO agreed lol Good job!" This was about my blog on the Katie/Peter split, and it's not often I get given a LMAO or an LOL, so even though I dislike the abbreviations, their message does warm my heart - kinda. Anyway, a person liking things is good!

You have to bear in mind, that up until a few months ago, I was a Media student, and I still really would like to get into a media career. This has been noticed; "For someone studying the media, you seem very against it Stu." It does seem rather odd that I seem dislike all aspects of media, and still consider it as a career path to walk down. If I wanted to go all Martin Luther King-esk, I could say 'I want to become a Journalist, because I have a dream of changing it - for the better!' I'd be lying though, because it isn't going to change anytime soon, and I don't have the motivation to campaign for a useless cause.

I get quite simple comments as well, which I just ignore really. Someone simply just write "very nice and funny good one" due to simple punctuation not being used. How can you read a piece of writing with near perfect punctuation, and then comment using none, and it making no sense. I suppose The Sun is there to meet the needs of that target audience with pictures, and simple words and such. I do also occasionally get messages that I'm not sure why they bothered with it really, due to it bearing very little relevance to what the subject of the blog was. Oh well.

Something that does happen a lot, is that people will read my blog and then just re-write it in their own words to show they understand what I was saying, in less words and adding their point of view. If they really wanted to do that, then surely writing their own blog would do the same thing. Anyway, I have no problem with that, it obviously means that they took in what I mentioned in the blog.
This happened a few times with my Jade Goody blogs, in which people put across their own opinion of the matter. I actually deleted most of them, because a lot of them where saying how I should show more sympathy for her and her family and saying she 'saved a generation of young women from cervical cancer.' Did she heck! I did get one comment which has become my favourite comment on one of my blogs about Jade Goody. "She didn't fight very hard. Got cancer > went bald > died. Seems a bit like rolling over and accepting it to me". I think this perfectly summed it up, and I want more comments like that! Anyway, this blog isn't about her, for once!

I do get some comments which are more just ego boosters than anything else. Getting comments like "I find you utterly hilarious", "You have a nasty wee sense of humour. So funny! I love it!" and "You have SUCH strong views on things, it's utterly hilarious!" fall into that category, and no, I didn't make any of them up! There are some people that do find me 'hilarious' and appreciate my strong views of things. I like them comments, so do feel free to leave more them as well; infact, please do leave comments, because I do like reading them, whether they annoy me slightly, make me chuckle or just make me smile.

Anywho, one more blog coming up in a few days, and it’s a special!

Celebration Of One Year Of My Blog Part 1

It's been a year. 27th September 2008 was when I posted my first blog, about reality television and having a good rant about it, and a year later, I'm still ranting about it. It started out as an ICT project, to update a blog over a period of six weeks, but it seems I got quite into it and here I am. Okay, I'm the only person on this world that actually cares about 'celebrating' the age of a blog. I suppose there aren't many people that would be sad enough to celebrate a website lasting a year.

In that year of ranting about various things and people, moaning about my non-existent love life and boring you with a lesson-by-lesson account of my driving lessons, it's accounted to 59 blogs (not including this one). 11 of those blogs have mentioned the words Jade Goody and included at least a few lines ranting about her time in the media spotlight and not being very sympathetic of her being dead. Within those 59 I have also clocked up 46, 587 words, a number of which were probably words you probably couldn't repeat to a 10 year old child.

Doing these blogs isn't just a way for me to vent my anger in a way in which no-one gets hurt and that can occasionally contain the odd bit of mild humour. It's actually a way (if only to myself) proving my writing ability, especially after a knock to my confidence with getting an E in AS English. It's a way for me improve myself, and if you compare my more recent blogs to my first blogs, you can see a change in my sophistication, or at least that's what I see.

Something that I think comes across in my blogs a lot is that I can be slightly cynical. I say slightly cynical, I am actually very cynical. Infact, I'm so cynical that I actually think that Captain Birdseye was only invented to give old fat men with a white beard who were too drunk to play Father Christmas, something to do and that Global Warming would be happening even if Jeremy Clarkson was never born. I also have moments where I think I've just had a stroke of Comedy genius, but turns out it wasn't that funny. An example of this is when I thought up the Captain Birdseye comment a few days ago; I actually had to walk away from my laptop for a few minutes to calm down as I was laughing so much. Turns out, it's not actually that funny a comment.

Something that unfortunately seems to come out in my blog is that I'm a bastard. In the technical sense of the word, I am, but in the modern sense of the word, I'm not. I am actually a rather nice person, honestly. Why I come across as a bit of a bastard is probably because it's hard to be negative about everything and having strong opinions against the silliest of things and still come across as 'an okay guy'.

Every so often in a blog, I write something which I quite like, and makes me laugh. One of my favourites is in a blog which I moaning about the climate of fear we find ourselves in, with constant worry from the possibility of a terrorist attack. "Once upon a time, the Wolf went to extreme lengths to see what was in Little Red Ridding Hoods basket, but now he has to call the Bomb Disposal Unit..." in an attempt to put a mirror up to society and show them how paranoid they are. That's now a line I try and mention at any convenient point.

Assuming you're reading this on my blog, and not on Facebook, you probably would have noticed slight changes with me now having a banner, a slight change in layout and in colour schemes, and now looking more professional than before. A new feature which is available on the blog is a kind of rating system at the bottom of each blog post. You have the option to mark the blog as Funny, Interesting or Boring, but be nice please.
Anyway, for my Facebook readers, here's a link for you to look at the new look. www.im-called-stuart.blogspot.com

Another blog shall come tomorrow, a part two of the 'celebration', and then after that there will be a special blog before returning to normal service with plenty of rants for another year - hopefully!

P.S That's a new thing too, just to add the more 'personal' touch.