Valentine's Day; From A Loving Perspective

I have hated Valentine's Day for as long as I have been aware of its existence and also the expectations that are associated with it. I hated it back in Primary school when my peers were giving and receiving folded paper with hearts drawn on them, to each other as Valentine's cards. This was because I never saw the point of doing it, as well as the fact that I was not brave enough to give one to the girl I desired in my class, and also due to the fact I never received one.

At secondary school, it was very similar (just not as many crayon-drawn hearts on sheets of paper). Everybody had something, apart from me who had nothing. The only things I got were cards and gifts that were given by friends when they felt sorry for me: usually after an angry rant given on the 13th February. This has been the reason why there are so many posts on this blog that moan about the whole charade of Valentine's Day, or mocking it. For example, last year I made my increasingly popular 'Unrequited Love Album'. Those songs were ones that made me think of the girl I loved, but couldn't have. People keep saying that playlist was really good. And why was that? It’s because all the songs held a strong meaning with me.

This year, I didn't listen to that playlist. I, in fact, listened to Phil Collins. As you are probably aware, I have now got the girl that I wanted and desired. For the first time, instead of spending the days prior to Valentine's Day ranting at every person who would listen (and even people who wouldn't), I spent the time trapped in a consumer World filled with red hearts and Me To You bears where the prices of everything remotely romantic shoots up. It makes you wonder why Cupid is still wearing a nappy when he makes all that money every year.

However, part of the contract of being in a relationship means that I have to undertake in this expensive shambles. I spent a long time in card shops, walking up and down trying to decide: What was the right card to get? What wrapping paper was best? Should I buy Clichés? Is this all just a waste of money?

I ended up buying the girlfriend a giant card, which is so large it can't stand up by itself. I also got her two bouquets of roses, cupcakes, a Me to You bear and friendship bracelets, and it was all wrapped in Me to You paper. We didn't spend a great deal of the day together due to University commitments, but in the evening, we went out for a pizza.

Now, I'm not someone who would deprive couples with children to not go out and enjoy their relationship. However, their attempts to spend a 'romantic' meal together ruin it for everyone else. If they are so desperate to go out on Valentine's Day, then they should get someone to look after their rotten, dirty, screaming children. I wouldn't go so far as to say they ruined our meal, but I spent a lot of time wondering whether or not kicking the two children in the face would lead to jail time… I didn't do anything to them in the end, but surely I should be able to have a quiet conversation with my girlfriend over a meat feast pizza with stuffed cheese crust and garlic bread.

Mind you, we nearly didn't make it to the restaurant as the bus driver was being rather reckless: speeding over bumps, braking at the last moment and sliding around roundabouts. I think maybe he didn't get a Valentine's card or present, and was set out on killing us.

Anyway, as Valentine's Day's go; this was the best. This was despite the fact that because of errors by Clinton Cards and/or Royal Mail, I didn't get my Valentine's card from the other half until a week later. It was the best I have ever had; however most might say that is because it is the only one I have properly had. The only issue I have with the day was how expensive everything was. There were many occasions where I was on the Internet or in a shop, saw something that I liked, and then didn't once I saw the price. Valentine's Day is just an excuse for shops and their owners (Yes, I am talking about you Mr Clintons!) to make money out of people who have unwillingly signed up for this whole charade when they entered a relationship.

So, what are my final thoughts on Valentine's Day? I never realised there was so much Me to You branded stuff. And also, it is a brilliant day to experience when you are in love with someone, but not if you happen to love a full wallet more.  Oh, and Cupid: Get some clothes!

Three Years Blogging; Now I'm A Sell-Out

I wrote my very first blog post on 27th September 2009. Now, 152 blogs, 166,214 words (including this blog), and three years (and a day) later, things are very different. In that space of time I've started driving lessons and passed my tests. I have begun and completed my A-levels. I have had many adventures which I shared with this blog, such as my car's first breakdown, my car's first clamp, my laptops demise, me getting chicken pox and my attendances to great comedians such as Lee Mack, Sean Lock and Milton Jones. I have shared my thoughts about some of my favourite albums, films and television series, as well as sharing my thoughts on my least favourite ones too. I have also blogged throughout the slow, public death of a tabloid sweetheart: Jade Goody. Me, and my blog, have been through a lot, which I have shared with you; a random Internet user who comes across my blog through random Google searches and, sometimes, the odd loyal reader comes and goes.

Now, at the end of a third year of average blogging success, everything changes. One of the two big, recent, changes in my life, which will undoubtedly make an impact on my blogs from here onwards, is moving to London and being in attendance at a University. The University of East London, for the next few years, will be attempting to make me into a successful Writer/Journalist, thanks to the pompously named course 'Journalism Studies with Creative and Professional Writing'. This is going to give me many opportunities in both the short and long term. One would assume that you should be able to track my improvement in lexis choice and combination, throughout the next three years. However, with me spending all my time writing thousands and thousands of words in an attempt to get some sort of degree at the end of the three years, so I can wave it in the faces of potential bosses; chances are the frequency of writings for this blog will be heavily impacted. Mind you, I am a University student now, so chances are I'll use this blog as a way of procrastination instead of work.

Lucky for me, some modules of work are not a million miles away from what I have been doing for this blogs. I have a module at some point, in which I have to critic the media for its celebrity obsession and thinking us all mindless lap dogs, and its impact upon society. I've been doing blogs like that for years! Take any blog about Jade Goody or Katie Price, or the blog about Jan Moir and her slur on homosexuals. Take my recent News of The World blog, or a blog about a large, life changing event, such as the Japanese Earthquake/Tsunami, or the blog about the Cumbrian Shootings. They all comment on how the media sexes up the news, to make it grabbing and interesting in order to get the readership, and therefore the money, they want. They comment on how Journalists all want that prime front-page story, so they can make a name, and therefore money, for themselves. Some also, metaphorically, spit on the grave of Jade Goody, but I'm not sure if that will feature quite so heavily in my University work.

The content of my blog might change slightly too, with some posts being more topic-based on the World of Journalism. Assuming my application was successful, I will soon have a press card. I can walk up to a police cordon, present my card to them, and then get the low down. I'm almost one step away from saying "The names Collyer; Stuart Collyer". I could, should I get the break, start writing for small, mundane publications about uninteresting topics, which I will inevitably be proud of, due to the fact they will be my first, printed words for the public domain. I will also be able to attend press events, such as the one I am attending soon, hosted by The Guardian newspaper, in which people will debate about the recent hacking scandal and how the press can restore trust. These might seem boring to you, but to me, they are interesting. They are exciting. They are my life now.

For the second big change in my life, which will have a large impact upon the subject of blogs, is what makes me a sell-out. Throughout my blogging career, I have been single (over three years I think you will find). This has, therefore, made a large impact upon the subjects I occasionally choose to write about. I have had numerous blogs bemoaning the fact that I am single. Bemoaning other people in relationships and how open they are about the fact they have another pair of lips to passionately kiss all the time. I just generally bemoan other people who seem to be generally happy in front of me. However, due to recent events (well, events that happened a little while ago now), I suspect that I will no longer be moaning about the abstract noun of love, and its effects. Yes, if you haven't already guessed, or don't already know; my Facebook relationship status no longer says 'Single'. It doesn't even say 'It's Complicated'. My Facebook relationship status now states that I am in fact in a relationship.

The tale of our love is a lovely little fairy story; but minus the dragons, castles, suits of armour and any real sense of romance. We have known each other years, with the odd spark of chemistry here and there. People told us we should be together. Feeling grew. People told us we should be together. Circumstances brought us closer together. People told us we should be together. We got depressed and lonely because we convinced ourselves it couldn't happen. People told us we should be together. I wrote a blog about Unrequited Love and even made a playlist of songs which made me think about her. People told us we should be together. We made plans to make sure we went to the same University together. People told us we should be together. We spent all our time with each other. People thought we were together. In my car, on a wet evening, I told her my feelings, with not much response. I organised an evening out for us, which I messed up and also got a parking fine. Then we got together, and yeah, now we're no longer 'Single Pringles'.

Just a note to anyone reading this and thinking 'I knew it' or 'I told you so'… Shut up! You may think you're some sort of 'Cupid', but you're not. I knew you were right. Even you knew you were probably right at the time, but you didn't actually help push the 'true course of love', so you have no high ground in this debate. I don't think anyone actually believed me when I said I didn't like her…

I have now become the person I hated as a result of this changing relationship status, but I love it. In fact, I love her. I used to take it as a personal insult when people held hands walking towards me. I hated strangers locking lips next to me. I disliked friends who were all over their partner in my presence. Due to my cynical disposition, I could not see why people couldn't just be all loved up in private. However, circumstances have changed my view because I walk towards lots of people holding the hand of the other half. I kiss her in view of many people. To save it for when we're in private, now seems impossible. I know, you're allowed to puke if you want; I would have if I was reading this in my single state.

I'm somewhat of a different person now. Most would say for the better, but I'm sure others would not agree. I don't hate hearing abstract nouns. In fact, I use them very frequently these days: 'I love you'. I am not as much of a cynical misanthrope as I used to be. Depression has been at a bare minimum, and happiness has been the dominate emotion I have been feeling, since we became fully affiliated with each other. I think I am also a nicer person since we created a stronger bond between us, in that I am more tolerant and less angry than I used to be. These have, unfortunately, led to a decrease in the amount of blogs I produce. If I am angry about nothing, then how can I write an angry, extravagant blog bemoaning the topic? That is a question I am yet to answer; but I'm sure when the time comes, normal blogging service will resume. And if not? Well, you'll have to put up with blogs about flowers, sunshine and bunny rabbits.

Who knows when I might blog next. I might blog soon about the Guardian debate I'm attending. I might blog about the finale of Doctor Who. Or, I might not blog again for weeks. I don't know, but all I know that I am now starting my fourth year of blogging. Who would have thought that a small project for ICT would turn into something which defines me and gave me the drive to pursue a career in Journalism?

In one of my first lectures, we were asked if any of us blog. A few put their hands up. I was asked what I blog about, after a girl who was asked responded with "My gap-year experiences". It made me realise just how insignificant and pointless my blogs can be. But hey, who cares! I'm going to keep writing them regardless, AND I'm at University in London with my beautiful girlfriend. Screw you!

Stuart's Unrequited Love Song Album

Regular readers of my misanthropic writings on this blog, or just generally know me, have an idea of my general idea of 'love', and will know this is yet another blog with a cynical outlook on the basic human emotion of Love. Not a lot has changed in the area of love since my blogs last Valentine's Day. I'm still single. People around me still insist on being 'in love' and insist of sharing it with the entire world. Surely I'm not the only one that hates being sat next to people who smooch each other’s faces off?

I have nothing more to say, so this year, I'm here to support my fellow singletons in their day of need. We're the sort of people that dread 14th February. We're the sort of people who never get a Valentine's card. We're the sort of people who never get the person we want, and probably, at some point in our lives, will settle for anyone. We are the unrequited lovers.

In respect to those people, I have created my own playlist of Unrequited Love Songs. This will give people the power to celebrate Valentine's in their own way. I have put this playlist on both YouTube and Spotify, and you can listen to all twenty songs the whole way through using whichever format you like. It will only take 80 minutes up of your life, and let's be honest, if you're reading this blog on Valentine's Day, you have the time.  Below I have given a small insight into why I have picked each song. Think of it as the inlay which sits in the CD case and hardly ever gets read. Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=65C2AB4059BEBFE1

Or

On Spotify: Stuart's Valaween Unrequited Love Album

1.    Is This Love? - Whitesnake

Now, my album starts off with one of the vintage love song anthems. It's hard to find a love album which doesn't contain a Whitesnake song. 'Is This Love?' is a nice way to ease a listener into a romantic album. Everyone associates it with love, and with it being about the unrequited love for another, it also fits into the genre of this particular album of love songs rather well.

2.    Lovestruck - Madness

This is my sort of love song. It has an odd, cheery beat and rather unusual. Yes, this song may actually be about the love of a lamp post, but the general message is relevant. Listen to the lyrics. They're great. Remember, the lamp post is actually a metaphor. We're not dealing with a song about Objectum Sexuality. Anyway, I think it's a great song, and I hope you do too.

3.    Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand

Never judge a song by its title. This song is actually about the unreturned love for a girl. I really like Franz Ferdinand, so I will always like this song. Again, it doesn't have that classic love song feel to it, but it's catchy and again, listen to the lyrics and understand the message in the song. Mind you, the general gist of the song is 'You want her, but you can't have her'...

4.    Invisible Touch - Genesis

This is a return to the classic love song genre. The words 'Phil Collins' are actually synonymous with love songs. It has a powerful edge to the song, and it kind of gets in your head after a while. Again, it works in this album because of it describing the power someone can have and how they can change you. Also, I love the sounds of the 70's; as do the normal love song albums. There seems to be something about that era.

5.    What If You Knew - Gabriella Cilmi

I don't suppose you really know this song, but this is a song about the unrequited love of a best friend. I think the lyrics are actually clever and I really love this song (I don't suppose the song loves me back though). It's also the only song on the album sung by a female. Not an intended choice, just how it worked out. It has a slightly electro, catchy feel to it too and is not what you would expect from a classic love song.

6.    Boomerang - Plain White T's

This is a modern song, which takes a different outlook on love, in comparison to the old classics. This song is about how the loved might treat the other person due to being oblivious to the feelings the other feels, and also how the unrequited lover would feel as a result. It has great lyrics which I expect from Plain White T's, and is again, not the classic sound for a love album. Are you noticing a trend here?

7.    Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

This is one of my all time favourite songs, and also an unappreciated classic of the love songs. Ronan Keating covered it, so it must be a classic love song, right? It's slow, yet intense beat pierces your emotions via the ear cannel, and the lyrics are brilliantly powerful; listen to them carefully to understand the full message. Listen to it a few times and you notice more. The song also has the big key change at the end, which something else which is synonymous of a true, emotional song about love.

8.    I Found Out - Pigeon Detectives

Indie Rock; Hormonal teenagers with mixed emotions about everything. A short song, but they fit a lot in. It’s about the feeling of not being good enough for the person you love, which is classic of unrequited love, and I think it brilliant for this album as half way through it wakes you up in case you start to feel depressed.

9.    Creep - Radiohead

You're brought back down by this amazingly powerful and emotional song. This song is again completely different from the classic love song, yet has just as good of a message. The sound is intense, just like the lyrics and the singing and the subject is again about the feeling of being unworthy. Also, slightly about stalking, but that's what love it about, right?

10. Sleepless - Until June

I'm mad about this song and this band. They are unknown, yet brilliant. This is sort of a classic song about love, and is something which a majority of people will be able to relate to: Not being able to sleep because you can't stop thinking about that one person and is also about the feelings of love. I think this song has a great sound, and for me at least, evokes emotions unlike any other song.

11. Shiver - Coldplay

Being in unrequited love can be depressing, and you cannot have an album of depressing songs without including Coldplay's dull and depressing sound. This song is good for that, and this song is also good for the message conveyed: wanting to change to get what you want. I like this song though, and again you can tell the emotion in the song.

12. Look Away - Chicago

The video for this is odd, but it matches the era which it comes from. Chicago are another classic rock band which are known for their big love ballads. This song covers the thought of the one you love (in this case, an ex) having another lover, and the intense feelings which this makes the unloved person feel, and forced to cover them up. Also, it has that classic key change towards the end.

13. Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon

Another of the classic love songs on this album, and it might also make you want to buy yoghurt after a recent advertising campaign. The message is one classic of unrequited love, and feeling closer to that one person, who doesn't feel the same for you and also covers the mental turmoil caused to you. It's also filled with many metaphors, such as candles and ships.

14. Over And Out - Newton Faulkner

I don't particularly like him, and I think he has chosen an awful piano sound for the verses, but the power of the chorus and the general lyrics of the song are what make me like this song and made me put it in. Also, in the video, he hasn't quite figured the complexities of creating a hologram, but maybe I'm being too critical. Just listen to the lyrics of the song, enjoy them and relate to them. Overall, it's good.

15. My Never - Blue October

This, and the following few songs, are slow and depressing, so get over it. This song has some beautiful lyrics I think, and the emotion is just flowing out of the singers’ voice. There isn't a lot to say about it, just listen to it and let the lyrics and the sounds of the song consume you.

16. If You're Not The One - Daniel Beddingfield

I was in two minds about including this song. I mean, it's far too obvious and overused in these scenarios, but I've not actually heard it for a while, and I don't expect you have either, so here it is. You all know the message of this unrequited love song (I think it's rather sweet though), so just listen to it. If it's too 'popish' for you, then skip it.

17. You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Another edition to the 'obvious', 'classic' and 'overused' categories, but I think it's actually a rather good song. I'm not one of these people that get annoyed by his voice. Again, you know it, so there's no point me blabbering on, but it fits the message brilliantly with the lyrics '... But I'll never be with you'. Mind you, he does sound slightly like a stalker in the song.

18. Gotten - Slash featuring Adam Levine

This is another one of my very favourite tracks. You can interpret this song in many different ways, but I think it to be about the unrequited love for another and how the thoughts of them being with another mentally hurt you. A great song what with it having brilliant lyrics, a great guitarist and one of my favourite singers (FYI: He's from Maroon 5).

19. Congratulations - Blue October

Yes, another song by them. They must go through a lot of emotional turmoil. Anyway, this is another fantastic song which is really thought provoking and beautiful in its sound and meaning. This is a song about wanting to tell the person you love how you feel, but finding out it's too late. Again, just sit back, listen to the song, and let it touch your soul. Too cheesy?

20. I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For All The Crap In This Song - Sparks

Not strictly a song about the unrequited love for another, but it is an uplifting song which will wash you of the emotions you may have felt for the previous nineteen tracks. I think this is actually a song which should appear on every love song, and with it actually satirising boybands and their love songs, it works. A lot of people don't quite get them. Yes, they're weird and one of the blokes has moustache and yes, their dancing is a lot to be desired, but give them a chance to captivate you.

I really hope you have/you will enjoy my selection of songs of the Unrequited Love genre. I hope you feel fine, and get through Valentine's Day without using too many tissues (Your imagination can decide what you do with the said tissues...).

I hope you got a Valentine's Card and that you soon find love. If not, I’ll see you again next Valentine’s Day for another cynical blog.

100 - Love: From The Umpires Chair

I now have another year’s membership to the 'Singles Club'. Advantages that I now receive for being a member of this club for over two years include: An increased level of cynicism, an increased level of jealously, an increased level of hatred and increased level of loneliness, and also a decreased level of happiness and a decreased level of confidence. Upon joining the 'Singles Club', you will receive a temporary amount of sympathy from friends and the honour of changing your Facebook status to Single; we think of this a 'Badge of depression', which is visible for everyone to see. After a few months of membership to the club, you are allowed to post depressing statuses on Facebook and Twitter, but this privilege will be taken away after a year of membership to avoid people thinking you're being dramatic. When you have been a member of the 'Singles Club' for 5 or more years, you receive a cat.

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever been in love? A majority of people will answer 'Yes', with the more level-headed, single people like me answering either 'No' or 'Not entirely sure'. My personal answer is 'I think not'. Sure, I have said that four letter word beginning with L in a relationship, but looking back with the advantage of hindsight, I would say no. Otherwise, if that was love, it sure is very disappointing.

I am unsure as to what love actually, really, honestly, feels like. I know the meaning of the word Love is: "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person", but otherwise, I'm ignorant to it. This makes me very intrigued and cynical towards people of a similar age to me who say they are in love. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy for them (if not ever so slightly jealous), but how can they be sure? Out of my 150 'friends' on Facebook, an increasing amount of them are either now engaged or pregnant, with the one they love. Then the ones that fit into neither of these categories, but still claim to be in love, just broadcast it over Facebook through a number of status updates and display pictures of them kissing their loved one.

Nothing makes me feel like an old, moaning, lonely man than during the time I spend writing blogs of a similar topic to this; and I apologise to anyone who may become offended by reading this; however, what makes you so sure you have found your one true love? The one your heart desires? Your one and only soul mate? The one who completes you? The one who gives your life meaning? The one that caught your heart? The one you wish to spend the rest of your life with? And to anyone who answers 'You just know', I will brand you a liar. There has to be some kind of thought process. You don't just walk past a jeweller and say 'That'll be a good idea'. Please, someone tell me what it is!

Being the un-liberal conservative I am (no, I'm not referring to the coalition), I think people are committing their life too early; especially after watching BBC3 documentaries about teenage pregnancies. Now, I am aware that they pick the stupidest, most ignorant and extreme people for that show, but it is perfect evidence of being too young. Shows like that should scare you into not committing your life too early. It will not always work. If it does work - great, brilliant, fantastic! If it doesn't, you become a single parent and/or a divorcée before you're even an adult. My incredibly cynical mind cannot fathom how someone can be so sure at the same age as me, that won't happen with the one they love.

A paper demonstration of a broken heart

What gets me though, is why my Facebook page is left with the 'Badge of Depression', everyone else is changing their status to engaged and adding pictures of their latest baby scan. To use a metaphor I used last year in my love blog; I'm left stuck in a dark, shaded corner, watching everyone else being happy and making decisions which will influence the rest of their life. Or to use a new metaphor (which explains my blog title); I'm stuck up here in the umpires chair, watching everyone below play out their relationships, which may only last a few hits, or will continue for ages and suffer an infinite number of hits, while I silently judge them all. Surely, it isn't too much to ask for, for just one woman out there to find me attractive and a good catch.

As the 'mother' of The Supremes once said: "You can't hurry love, No, you'll just have to wait... Love don't come easy, It's a game of give and take'. It makes me wonder then, why even after Phil Collins repeated these gems of advice, why people still want rush into love, and why they are so confused about it not being easy. Too often I have seen people split up over stupid, petty things which are so insignificant, they can't even remember why they split up with the person, other than the fact they 'hate' them.

My belief is that TV and Movies have 'tainted' what people perceive to be love. Love certainly is not like how they show it; from my experiences anyway. It isn't all 'Will they? Won't They? Before they finally live happily ever after'. Also, love isn't all happiness and roses and romantic songs in Irish pubs like the movies suggest. It just is not a fair representation, and it has made people convinced that they can have a happy ending. The 'fairytale' element to love has been increased through movies and television in recent years thanks to people like Gerard Butler and Zac Braff.

Even these two fingers are happier than me...

That is the other thing that really gets me: Recently in a lot of American TV shows and movies, there are guys who have a similar hairstyle to me. Now, they seem to be always getting off with women and have ability to woe any female that they want. Just once, I would love for my hair to possess that kind of power. Even when I spray myself with Lynx deodorant, I don't seem to become a magnet for half clothed women; like the adverts suggest. It is all just lies!

I have been reading up about some of the best (well, worst) marriage proposals, and I have encountered many bad ones. The best (well, worst) one that I found was a man who left an engagement ring in a pile of dog poo. A couple’s dog had left a mess in the garden, so before he asked her to clean it up, he placed the ring on top of it. He then stood behind her as she went to clean it and proposed. That now means that every other proposal of marriage can be considered as romantic in comparison.

I have two ideas of ways in which I could propose to a woman. Don't sit there and snigger at the possibility of me finding someone who is willing to put up with me - it is possible, I'm sure! The first idea is simple; you create a Facebook event for your wedding, and only invite them. If it works, you can invite more people to the event. If it doesn't work, you either just simply delete all evidence of it or postpone the date and ask them a few months later.

The second idea would be to kidnap them as they left work and bundle them into the boot of a car. You drive around for a few hours with them kicking and screaming, until you arrive at a beautiful destination, in the middle of nowhere with the sunset gleaming across the beautiful scenery. You then open the boot and they will be incredibly relieved to see you. You then lay out a romantic picnic with champagne and pop the question. However, the key is to not actually tell them it was you that kidnapped them until many years later when you're married and it's too late. Maybe on your death bed.

Example of a beautiful sunset scenery. My own, personal photograph. Was going to use for background, but HTML sucks...

If you wish to date me, you have to be willing to settle for all my faults:

• I am cynical.
• I moan rather a lot.
• I am slightly over-weight and not much to look at.
• I can sulk, for days.
• I have low self belief
• Chances are, one of your friends will really irritate me.
• I have very little previous experience with love, and will have to be taught.

And all my merits:

• I have hair.
• I can, on occasion, be funny.
• I can be nice and rather lovely when in a good mood.
• I have a car.

If you can settle for these, please do not hesitate to contact me.

P.S. Notice I have now redesigned my blog page. PLEASE, tell me what you think of it?

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 10-6)

I have lived in Britain for nearly 18 years, infact since the day I was born, and I've always been quite negative of the country. That is not to say that there is nothing positive to say about Britain, because there is. I am lucky enough to live in one of the richest countries in the world which is also a democracy (however, both of those could be easily argued against). The country has a great education system, a health system which entitles everyone to free treatment (to an extent) and has a rich and vibrant history which includes playing numerous key roles in world changing events, like 9/11.
If you are lucky enough to be able to get out of the polluted cities, you are welcomed by the smell of horse manure in the country, and despite its smell, is a beautiful and colourful place with plastic bags and burnt Ford Fiesta's. Yes, Britain has lots of positive, but it has far too many negatives which out-weigh these dwindling positives. Of course, I would love to throw away my education to spend all my time naming and describing every negative about Britain, but instead I have created the top 10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing.

10. Channel 4 Showing The Simpsons
We all remember the time many years ago when BBC 2 stopped showing The Simpson's and Fresh Prince Of Bell-Air. It was horrendous. Was a terrible moment for any Simpson fan that was not lucky enough to have Sky. Millions of people had nothing to do in that 45 minute slot. Then Channel 4 came and saved us all. A compromise was that we had to put up with, was adverts, but we soon adjusted and loved the fact that The Simpsons were now back on our televisions at 6pm. However, I think it is time we rebelled. I cannot be the only one who is sick of seeing the same Simpson episode every month. Sure, they're good, but a bit of variety would be lovely. Why can't they show The Simpsons like they show Friends and Scrubs: Start from the very beginning and work their way through every series. It would be fantastic. It has been years since I have seen some of the episodes, and anything from series 14 onwards I've not seen. This is one reason why life in Britain is depressing - so much repetitiveness of popular things. Sort it out please Channel 4 - I beg you!

9. Our Country And Technology
You are probably more than aware that recently the whole world went into shutdown as flights got cancelled by a natural phenomenon. The news spent 6 days constantly reporting about how Britain was facing big problems because of this, like Chris Moyles being stranded in New York. However, Britain is bad for living without technology. A small power cut can close all the shops in the high street because people can't pay by card. We moan when we have a slow Internet connection and have to update our Facebook status to tell everyone; well once the page loads anyway. People have also become so addicted to their phones that should they leave their phone at home, the entire's day conversation is devoted to mentioning it. 10 years ago not many people had Mobile Phones and had to use those ancient and now rare red boxes. You have to admit, slightly pathetic that people in Britain cannot survive like their ancestors did, just for an hour.
Our country also seems to be very reluctant to repair anything. Over a week ago my camera lens broke and I thought it quite a basic thing to get repaired. No, I'd have to spend at least £60 to send it to China to be repaired and then pay for parts. It would also take at least 6 weeks. CHINA! We complain about unemployment levels and I have to send my camera to CHINA to get repaired. It eventually works out cheaper to just buy a new one. However, then we complain that we throw away too much plastic and other un-biodegradable products. If we fixed things, it wouldn't happen. Then of course, you cannot fix anything yourself because that then cancels the warranty, so instead you have to pay a fat block in a jumpsuit £70 an hour to look at the broken nut in the Washing Machine, before he tut's and announces he cannot replace the nut.
What is with our country, technology and fixing nothing. It is a poor state of affairs that separates our generations. If anything goes wrong, my Grandad will take the product into his garage and tinker with everything until he finally sorts the problem. Usually, he'll cause other problems in the process, but he tries to repair things and gets his hands dirty. His mind knows how to fix things. You take a twenty-something now and give them the task of repairing a dishwasher, they'll just go to Comet and buy another one. I have gotten into the great habit of taking things apart myself and repairing them before consulting a professional. People will never learn, so Britain - please at least try and make an effort to replace a broken bolt before spending £300 on a new Washing Machine.

8. Complaining About EVERYTHING
No-one is perfect, and this is something that we as human beings have evolved to accept and work around. However, us Brits have developed a reputation for always complaining, drinking tea constantly and wearing suits and bowler hats. Well, I'm British, don't like tea, not worn many suits and only warn bowler hats as a joke. However, as this blog reiterates, I like to complain. You usually cannot go more than a day or so without being behind a woman in a shop complaining that the cheap shoes she brought were not very good. Then everyone complains about the Government. Everything in our society is their faults if idiots are to be believed - and they should not be believed. You can't blame Gordon Brown for the potholes. He is not responsible for the weather which caused it or the bad workmanship. Sure, he's far from perfect, but still.
Everything costs too much, no-one can get a job, a natural phenomenon meaning people cannot travel for a few days, people work too many hours, the police do their job too well, the police do not do their job well enough, there is nothing good on telly and life just being generally unfair are some of the complaints I have heard this week. To be honest, get over it. That is life, and complaining will not do any good. Neither will writing a scarcely read blog, but that is my own problem. I just think we complain far too much and do not realise how lucky we are. You have to admit, they are pretty mundane things. When someone starts complaining they're living on the street, with no food or money then I will let them. Otherwise, would all be kind enough to tone down the complaints?

7. British Entertainment
We live in a country where BBC 3 rules if you're under 27; a channel where awful and utterly unhilarious comedy is shown (with the occasional exception). Coming Of Age - How awful! It is a show with unimaginative characters which all conform to a stereotype of 'typical' teenage life with awful storylines. Do not get me started on their bad innuendo's and sex jokes either. I like to think myself pretty good at those sorts of jokes and also think I could write much better and funnier jokes (and have). Snog, Marry, Avoid is also an awful show in which they get some slapper to stand infront of the camera and look disgusting before they are tidied up to look respectable and cleared their face of plaster. Essentially, it is what you would get if you crossed Gok Wan and Frankie Boyle together or something like that. Then of course you have ITV 2, ITV's answer to BBC 3 where they try to appeal to the younger adults/teenagers by showcasing their stupid and pathetic humour. Keith Lemon? Well I've seen dog poo funnier than him. Then well, the less said about ITV 2 showing Katie Price’s life on TV, the better I think.
Over The Rainbow is quite an awful show too. Obviously trying to compete against Simon Cowell, Andrew Lloyd-Webber has developed a knack for shouting at the girls and putting them down at every opportunity. Also, what is with the man and hugging their shoes when they get evicted as well? Someone go to Oxfam and buy him some second hand shoes - this man clearly has a fetish. I do not quite get how getting a group of girls to sing Robbie Williams songs will help in casting the perfect person for the part of Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz.
Films and everything else now, have to be in 3D. To be honest, I spend my entire life in the three dimensional world, what if I enjoy escaping to a 2D world where Dragons do not coming flying past me? Also, what if I do not want to put glasses on every time I want to watch a film? Everything is classed as 'the best film released so far this year'. By that logic, you would expect a film being released in December to be better than one released in January, but really, they're just as crap as the next. I am not a film fan, due to having a short attention span. I get bored. I want to play with my phone or talk half way through. However, it is hard to go to the cinema to watch a British film, because they are not very common. The American's rule the roost and every British film is classed as an independent movie and it just makes it sound crap before you even read the title of the movie.
Then music. That too is pretty awful. Thanks to shows like Pop Idol and X-Factor, and the social networking site MySpace, we now live in a world where anyone can record music. As long as you have access to some form of recording equipment, you can record your music and put it on the Internet in the vain hope that some big music producer stumbles upon it. Due to this, the radio is now full of new music which is exactly the same and badly produced. There is even a song with electronic whistling. What the heck is with that, could they not find anyone with the ability to whistle in the entire building? Then you have the latest trend of new artists covering old songs, and ruining them. Let's take Don't Stop Believin' by Journey as an example. A song very unpopular when originally released, but thanks to Glee and Joe McElderry it became a modern popular hit. However, the song has been ruined. Glee is an American TV series, in which they try to see how many classic songs they can murder in one hour, whilst scattering the show with a complicated plot. Songs they have killed include Somebody To Love - Queen, Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police, Imagine - John Lennon, Hello - Lionel Richie, Give You Hell - All American Rejects and so many more. This is a show that should come with warning before every episode: "This program is not suitable for people who like music". I get on my knees and beg Britain, please stop watching these awful shows, seeing these movies with the same plotline and listening to modern music. If people stop consuming them, people will stop making them and the circle of crap will be stopped.

6. Love

Yet again I am mentioning in a blog that I remain single, and have ever since I started this blog. I have witnessed many people fall in and out, and then back into love before you have even had the chance to say 'There are plenty more fish in the sea'. Infact, it seems to be all I do; watch people fall in and out of love. It gets annoying. I get fed up of girls saying 'Men are such pricks' or something along those lines. One might point out, no they are not, and it’s just the ones you choose. Going back to my earlier point of us living in a disposable world, love in Britain seems to be one of them. If it's too hard to fix, then give up, throw it away and start again. Love is not really love. Love has become to mean infatuated, and now love is no longer a strong enough word to explain the strong emotions that are associated with marriage and growing old together.

Then there is an obsession to always be in a relationship amongst the younger adults. I don't like to fit into this mould (or is the excuse I use) of switching from relationship to relationship. Relationships in this country seem to be a fashion accessory, and if you don't have one then you do not fit in. I unfortunately have been forced into the cynical opinion and no longer seem to have the ability to 'like' people in that way, and this was all started because of this modern culture we find ourselves in, in Britain. If you have marriage problems, the answer now seems to be to have an affair then go on Jeremy Kyle. So please people of Britain, stop having a new relationship every other day and also, would you mind not rubbing it in my face that you're in love and I'm not - I'm getting slightly jealous of you all and my depression is slowly increasing as a result.

And so you have it, the first five reasons why life in Britain is so depressing. It mainly escalates from my own personal opinions of everything and personal experiences. I looked forward to my daily dose of Simpson's but now I feel like I'm suffering from Déjà vu every time I put on Channel Four at 6PM. I weep when I look at my old camera and think of all the memories we had together and remember that we live in country which no longer fixes anything. I get angry every time I complain about being angry, and thus a paradox has been created, which all started because Jade Goody and Katie Price annoying me a few years ago. I feel sorrow when I put the TV on to get distracted from my depressing day in Britain and try to escape for a few hours of entertainment, to find such a thing no longer exists on our island. The less said about how I feel about love the better I think. Let's just say - I'm getting none of it and it has become tiring and depressing.

Hopefully the second part of this blog, containing the top 5 reasons why life in Britain can be depressing, will be posted towards the end of the week.

Valaween

Valentine’s Day is upon us and it is the day where people confess their love for each other or celebrate the love in which they have. It is a day in which many couples will go to the cinema and share a box of popcorn. Others will go to expensive restaurants and have a meal while the sexual tension builds. Chocolates and flowers are given, wrapped in pretty red paper and cuddly toys with 'I LOVE YOU' written on them, along with giant cards containing cheesy prose to explain how much you love them, will be given. For people in love, this sugar-coated day adds brightness to dull winters. For people who are not in love, like the writer of this very sentence, it is the cruellest day on the calendar. I don’t like Valentine’s Day believe it or not, which is one reason why I’ve affectionately named this blog ‘Valaween’. I shall now explain why so.

February the 14th is the date which I, like millions of other single people, dread. The celebration is named after a saint who had absolutely nothing to do with romance either, thus making the day a bit of a fraud. The amount of heart-based gifts which you see in the shops that are overpriced for the poorly-made crap they really are is quite silly. Red mugs, giant cards, me-to-you bears, balloons, jewellery and numerous other gifts of an erotic and 18+ nature. These are all things which are supposed to show how much you love the receiver of these gifts.

I suppose you could argue that I am lucky to be single to be on this day. I have not got to worry about whether a cuddly toy and box of chocolates appropriately send a message of how much I love them. I haven’t got to worry about what stage of the relationship we’re in and whether or not the card is a sufficient enough size. What if she gets me a bigger one with glitter? I’d feel like a complete idiot after giving her a £2.99 card from down the road. These are all worries I have not had to have. Still, I don’t like Valentine’s Day.

You may have noticed that I am of the cynical nature when it comes to this day. This is possibly because I have actually always been single on this day of 'love' or, maybe because I have actually never received a valentines card or present from a lover. I have however received presents and cards from friends who are sympathetic of the fact that I am going through another year of loneliness. These gifts usually come from friends who are in relationships so show pity by giving cards or, in the case of this year, a lovely single red plastic rose. I don't wish to come across as ungrateful, because I am grateful for their efforts to cheer me up, but you can't help but notice it is a sympathy present.
Another year has gone past where I receive no Valentines cards from a secret lover which I have to try and figure out like an episode of Poirot, in which no-one dies but yet everyone is still a suspect. I suppose, what with Valentine’s Day falling on a Sunday this year and there being no post on Sundays, this imaginative card could come on Monday. I mean, I could get a card. An average of 1 billion cards are sent each year on Valentine’s Day, and yet we all I know that I won’t be getting any of them, yet again.

Valentine’s Day has actually always seemed very pointless day in my personal opinion. Essentially, the day is for people to tell other people that they love them. Why make it specific to one day? This day needs to be removed from the calendar and have February the 14th as a normal, boring day. Love should be celebrated every single day of every single year, not just because Hallmark thinks you should in order for them to sell more cards. I know if I was in a relationship, I would be celebrating that fact every single morning - I would feel so lucky, to actually have a girlfriend.
Being single is a hard thing to be during the week leading up Valentine’s Day and the day itself. Where ever you go, you are constantly reminded that it is soon the day of love and you are still single. Every ad break on the Telly or Radio has adverts for cheep roses at Tesco's or personalised cards from Moonpig for the special occasion. Every shop you walk past has its windows covered with red hearts and 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' in big letters. Friends talk to you about their plans for Valentine’s Day and what they will be doing with their 'other half', insinuating that when they're with them, they feel complete - soppy gits!

I'm not going to bore you with my tragic life story, how unlucky I am with love and how lonely I am. However, I did stupidly worked out the other day that I have been single for 20 months. I also, with depressing results, worked out how much of my life so far has been spent 'in love' and the result wasn't even 6 months. Maybe the fact I am single is because I never send on those texts or e-mails. You know those one that say ‘Pass this on to seven people in the next 33 minutes or no-one will love you for 9 years.’ I never pass them on. Maybe the curse is coming true.

Don't worry though, because rumour has it that I am in a secret relationship with my best friend. Well, it seems that rumours are as close as I get to relationships these days. I am (Infact we both are) single despite rumours. Whoever would have thought that rumours might not be true? To have a little mini rant on the subject: How shallow are these people? “Oh look, they’re sitting next to each other again. They’re definitely in love.” If that is evidence of people being in love, then the world would be a much happier place. Anyway, slightly off topic.

Here is one piece of advice for you. When girls say 'I love a man with a sense of humour and who is kind' they clearly do not mean it. I'm humorous and I am actually a very nice person, and look at me. Single. Lonely. Depressed. Resentful. Jealous. Wishing my life was like the life of characters on Scrubs. What girls really want is some guy who is their ideal of being ‘fit’, with a nice butt and caressable hair (my hair is nice too). I don’t come into the category of ‘fit’ though; thus why I am single really. Humour and niceness is not enough.

You would have thought I’d be great catch with the ladies. I even quite like watching ‘Twilight’ or ‘New Moon’. Surely that would make me a perfect choice. Maybe if I had the giant eyebrows, sparkled in the sunlight and had a pale complexion like Robert Pattinson, or the torso Taylor Lautner I would have better luck. I would be more than willing to sit and watch the DVD, so bare that in mind ladies...

I am even cynical of dating websites. A load of data on a database is not the way to find love. How depressing is that? Saying that 'I found love through a website creating a query of facts from my own personality and comparing it to other data on Microsoft Access' is actually quite tragic. Thus why, when I'm 18, I'm not going to even contemplate going on one of them websites. I do not think I am that desperate. Not yet at least anyway.

I am sorry to point this out, but while everyone is out on dates with the 'love of their life', you are sat there reading this blog. Depressing isn't it. You're probably sat at home listening to songs by McFly or the Goo Goo Dolls, maybe OneRepublic or maybe you're treating yourself to extra special depression by listening to Maroon 5. I know that is what I plan to do. The best way to get through the day though, is to just shut your eyes. Pretend the day is just an ordinary day. If you have to, draw the curtains and hold the bed duvet over your head until February the 15th comes around. Also, don't ask how your friends how Valentines was if they're in love; it will only depress you. If they tell you, don't listen: just nod, laugh and smile occasionally and then end the conversation by saying 'Aww sweet'. It has never failed for me.

Whatever you do though, do not make the same mistake as I did last year and spend Valentine’s Day with friends who are in a relationship. What was sold to you as a way to get through the day enjoyably, turned out to be the most depressing way to spend the day. Spending Valentine’s Day watching people in love? How stupid was I? It's like eating your Chocolate Easter Eggs on Easter Sunday infront of your diabetic friend who isn't allowed to eat chocolate.

If you're reading this on Valentine’s Day, I feel your pain, I really do. Sitting at home at your computer reading a blog by a 17 year old, which is about his take on love and Valentine’s Day, it is depressing. I hope the day passes quickly for you and don't get too miserable. If you're reading this blog after Valentine’s Day, I hope you enjoyed your date you lucky sod. I hope you've got chapped lips. Did you even spare a thought for us 'Singletons'? I thought not.
Don't worry though, as a reward, on Tuesday it is Pancake Day. To celebrate surviving another Valentine’s Day, you can sit and eat Pancakes, on your own. Don't think of that as a negative though, it just means you haven't got to share the pancake goodness with some greedy sod.

Seeing as I am single, and have been for quite some time, I am advertising myself on my blog now. So: If you're an attractive, sarcastic, clever girl who is single and is interested in a slightly over-weight teenage boy who spends most of his time writing and making everything into innuendos, or know someone who is, then please do contact me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy/enjoyed your day.
Remember, even though I really hate love, Stuy loves you!