Let's Hack Into My 2011

Charlie Brooker said that '2011 has been like one big end-of-season finale; a climactic episode in which multiple story arcs come to a head.' This being because of numerous uprisings, a few deaths of bad people, a riot or two, another financial collapse and the death of a national paper after the revelation that it hacked over 5,000 phones. In comparison, my life has been normal for someone of a similar age to me, and has been uneventful. However, as an individual, it has been quite a year.

As year's go, for me, it has been a bag of mixed fortunes. I spent the first six months of 2011 in complete agony. Let me explain how bad this agony was: Most people sleep at night. I used to sleep at night, and thankfully, I do now. However, for those six months of my life, I think I only had an entire night of sleep once a week, and that would usually be because I was so knackered that my brain struggled to comprehend the concept of pain, or maybe just an overdose of extra strong pain killers, I don't remember.

I had toothache. In fact, no: toothache doesn't fully explain the agony I had. I call it 'Toothtorture'. I might as well have thumped a nine inch metal nail into my jaws every 30 seconds for the relief it would have brought me. I went to the Dentist, then the Dentist, then the Doctor, and then the Dentist a few more times before he finally discovered my tooth was dead. Six weeks, over two hours in the Dentist's chair, and a root canal later, I was relieved of the pain and allowed to sleep, every single night, without my synapses interrupting with pain signals.

Mind you, a few weeks later, I didn't get much sleep after I spent five days awake and watching BBC News and Sky News and watching the swarm of rioters smash their way through London. There were two reasons for this: 1. I was only a month away from moving there to spend the next three years of my life, and 2. I was going to London a few days later to be a tourist with my girlfriend. Oh, yeah, in case you were not yet aware (but I'm sure you are), I got a girlfriend in 2011.

To most, this doesn't seem like much of an achievement, but this is for me. People previously knew me as 'Stuart; that guy who is so cynical and angry about the World and people, who hardly ever has anyone to love'. Well, now, I'm not that guy. I have a girl whose hand I can hold, without the police being called and being arrested for attempted sexual assault. She is mine. Not officially, but I have claimed her as my property, and she has claimed me as hers.

A long-term relationship is new ground for me. I have had more Sea Monkies than I have girlfriends. In fact, I think I have had Sea Monkies which have survived longer than some of my past relationships. Mind you, that could be identified to the fact I spent my time growing Sea Monkies and becoming emotionally attached to the said Sea Monkies.

Anyway, with the change of our relationship going from 'friends' to 'being in a relationship with', happening in July, this year can surely be said to be a year of two halves for me: The first half being painful and lonely, and the second have not quite as much so, with added happiness and kissing…

This all means that I lose the bet I made in my blog about my 2010, when making assumptions for the upcoming year: "...I bet I'm still single though." I usually hate being wrong, but not this time. I'm just thankful I didn't put any money on it...

This year also saw me finish my A-level's and attend a University with a history dating back to the 19th Century: The University of East London. The change wasn't smooth, or even enjoyable, with my results being messed up resulting in me franticly trying to get hold of the University who declined me because of this cock up. I mean, how can an examiner forget to mark two years worth of Photography work? That eludes me. Anyway, all was resolved, and after a larger deposit of money exiting my bank accounts, and a large, expensive shop at Dunelm Mill, I went to University to study Journalism with Creative Writing.

So far, it is going quite well. I have only finished the first semester of the first year, but the first few grades I have gotten have been superb. I quite literally jumped for joy. Hopefully the end results are just as good. I'll have to get choreographing a celebration dance. Actually, why bother, just learn one of the dances on Just Dance 3 and perform that, but maybe a shortened, less sweaty version.

What else happened for me in 2011? I'm not sure. This year has had so many big events happen, that I forget all the silly, insignificant things I have done. Well, I saw a couple of comedians live (Milton Jones and Mark Watson) who were both very good. I nearly got to see Jimmy Carr live, but I thought I would rather get my car clamped and pay £120 fine. My laptop died while watching Stewart Lee on YouTube. I have seen my first musical: We Will Rock. I have been to a Guardian event for Journalists. I have joined the National Union of Journalist. I have stepped foot into a newsroom. I have spent many happy hours in London sightseeing. I have been up in a helicopter. I have been to The Doctor Who Experience in London, flown the TARDIS and been threatened by Daleks. I have read a few books. I have worked out how to use Skype. I have got a Teco Clubcard. I have done other things too...

Let me just elaborate on a few of the above: We Will Rock You is a fantastic bit of theatre, which I recommend to anyone who likes music and comedy. It was one of the most enjoyable evenings of my life. All of the journalism events of my year, such as attending the Guardian event and being in a newsroom, have concreted my aspiration to be a journalist. I loved the atmosphere! I also recommend The Doctor Who Experience to everyone who has watched the show (whether you're a virgin or not).  I recommend the book Sh*t My Dad Says if you have a week free and like a giggle. I recommend the Tesco Clubcard if you regularly shop from there. However, I do not recommend getting your car clamped; too much hassle and too much money for what is a rubbish service.

Right, so that about sums up my 2011. I hope you also had a great year, and I hope that 2012 is either as good, or better than the previous year’s you have had. I'm sure you are deserving of it.

My predictions for 2012 are quite simple really. I will still be a University next year, and I'll be in even more debt. I will hopefully be living in a London apartment with my girlfriend, with a nice view of the Thames. I expect to spend much more time in London, seeing shows and visiting places. Also, I am pretty sure that this year is going to be pretty baby orientated, what with the girlfriend’s sister about to pop one out, and friends in the last few months of baking theirs in the oven. Also, I bet this time next year, I won't be single! I'll bet a charity donation on that one.

P.S. Happy New Year

P.P.S. How late is too late to keep wishing people a 'Happy New Year'.

Thou Shall Not Share Thy Opinion

You have an opinion that you would like to express do you? Well, let us make some checks... Is it remotely racist? Can it be construed as sexist? Are you mocking religion? What about being homophobic? Could it be gingerist? How about insulting fat people or discriminating the disabled? Are you Fascist or Ageist? Is what you are saying stereotyping a group within society, like Gypsy's or Dwarfs or is it a joke about class? Are you promoting genocide or heightism? Does this comment hate on young people? Are you pointing fun at Goths etc? Could this be you thinking you're satirising politics? Is it judging people with a certain taste of music? Are you generalising people with certain jobs like estate agents or lawyers? Do you want to share findings which you have spent years researching and have conclusive proof for what you want to say? Are you just pointing out the bleeding obvious?

If it is any of the above, then I would keep quiet if I were you. I mean, we don't want to start a worldwide scandal here. Mind you, if you really have no choice and you have to express your opinion, then take the following advice: Stand your ground. Or, failing that, run away as soon as someone slightly disagrees with your opinion and apologise until you have completely worn away all twenty eight of your teeth and then resign from your job, no matter what it is. You're an I.T. Technician whole commented on a ginger person standing in the queue in front of you to your friend the next day? Resign! You’re an old lady who said to a tall black man “You’re very tall dear, aren’t you; and surprisingly nice...”? Well run away before he gets offended dammit! How dare you people try and carry out the basic human right of Freedom of Speech. You disgust me! Moving your tongue about like a free spirit; you Hippie! Oh no, now I've done it. I'll have to get a job and resign straight away to prove how deeply sorry I am for any offence I may caused to anyone, ever!

Shall we take a break from the sarcasm and calm down now?

In case you are yet to notice, this blog is trying to make sense of this new trend we have of complaining about someone's opinion and thus taking a metaphorical sledge hammer to Freedom of Speech after being deeply offended by something we heard someone might have said.

In recent weeks, television personalities have been at the front of this worldwide misunderstanding. The BBC had to apologise to China after an innocent joke, made on Qi a little while back, was completely misunderstood by the entire nation and taken as slanderous racism. The little bloke on Top Gear forced the BBC to apologise to Mexico after he called them all lazy and flatulent. Maybe he took it slightly too far in the end, but it was merely exaggerating on a stereotype, which doesn't translate well in other countries. The latter scandal infuriated everyone who didn't particularly care. Steve Coogan is one, as he ranted to The Daily Express about the trio’s casual racism and calling them bullies. Yes, you see, sharing your opinion is no longer considered to be decent honesty; it is now called 'bullying'.

Take another recent example: the sexism scandal of Sky Sport pundits, which resulted in Andy Gray being sacked and Richard Keys resigning. The entire thing was due to them merely expressing the opinion that a female football official would not be able to under the Off-Side Rule. It isn't even as if they said it publically on TV; the pair was just recorded off air saying it. Now, how many blokes do you think sat in pubs watching the game and said exactly the same thing? I wouldn't like to guess how many. I don't think that was a comment to be taken as gospel; I think it was just part of a blokey shenanigan. Mind you, Andy Gray did lose his case when it was revealed he asked a female to help 'tuck him in', but even that was just a bit of banter, and it was off air.

We are nearing a time when you might as well be sacked for thinking. This must be a scary time if you are one of those lunatics that constantly wears a tinfoil hat for fear that the CIA are reading your mind. If even a slightly racist thought crossed their brain waves for more than a nanosecond, they would constantly fear the risk of being prosecuted. Many times I have had the thought to kill people. Could I therefore be charged for Intention to kill or commit GBH? If I had a barely racist thought, that doesn't mean I'm going to don the KKK's white cape and start chasing black people does it!? The world needs to get a grasp of how ridiculous it is becoming in an attempt to remain politically correct at all times.

Twitter is making this even worse as well. Over a year ago, a man called Paul Chambers tweeted "FUCK! Robin Hood airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!" That is very unlikely to have been a real threat. I mean, you don't see al-Qaeda making threats on social networking sites. That would ruin the point of them. This was clearly an attempt at humour by the accountant, albeit slightly ill-conceived. This man has been charged of 'sending a menacing electronic communication'. Utter ridiculousness!

Paul Chambers, the bastard who tried to have a sense of humour!

I'm currently a bit peeved at the NHS and how I have been untreated with my dental pain the past few months because of bureaucratic slowness, so if I should tweet: "FUCK! Kent and Canterbury Hospital are irritatingly slow. They have one week to get me an appointment or I'm blowing the hospital sky high!"* am I going to be prosecuted? I probably won't because there is no real menace behind it, and if I know that and you know that, then where is the threat? It's the same thing.

Another example of this is a Conservative councillor being arrested for comments he made on Twitter about a Journalist, saying she should 'be stoned to death'. This has led to the man losing his job as councillor. I think it is a scary thought that normal people can be convicted through comments made on social networking sites. The amount of times I've called Piers Morgan a cunt, or continuously ranted about Jade Goody and applauding her eventual death. I tweeted the other day that I wanted to punch a small child in the face because my toothache was getting unbearable; am I now at risk of being arrested? Well, I hope not. I tweeted a long time ago that I drove through a set of red lights (accidentally, I'm not a dickhead). I didn't get contacted by the DVLA, but why is that any different? That is an actual crime that I committed; not an empty threat about blowing an airport up.

Twitter is also the centre of other scandals, such as comedians pointing out the bleeding obvious to Keith Chegwin. A comedian pointed out to the ageing unfunny man that a lot of the jokes he tweeted were not actually his, and were in fact material by current comedians working the circuit, and he claiming it as his own material. Other comedians then backed up the claims which 'Cheggers' refused to admit to, and carried on tweeting the jokes of people like Milton Jones. It has resulted in a continuous debate on Twitter with many slanderous comments being passed about. All this just because someone noticed that Chegwin tweeted jokes of other people; and it was painfully obvious. It was a friendly comment which ensued into electronic carnage with various top Tweeters abandoning the social networking site.

I mean, both sides of the debate have fair points. Jokes are a comedian’s livelihood. You don't steal famous artworks and claim them as your own handiwork. However, can someone actually claim ownership of a joke? Someone put the words in the right order to cause laughter, but can they actually own it? That's the beauty of jokes; you can share them with the world, and they get passed around and changed.

We just live in silly times where people are easily offended. I don't know the Offside Rule in Football particularly well, but accuse me of not knowing it; I'm not going to get offended. You can call me overweight if you want, I'm not going to get offended. You can make fun of my race and nationality; I'm not going to get offended. You can call me ginger if you want, I won't get offended (Mind you, I'm not ginger, so I'd just be confused...). So the list could carry on. It's an opinion, not fact. You see, the fact seems to be that you have the freedom of speech, but just don't be moronic enough to actually practice your rights.

That is what happens when you let people read The Daily Mail. Their journalists and columnist regularly flex their outrage muscles and think up slanderous opinions about anyone and anything, link it up to some comment about immigration, and BAM! That person's opinion has been turned into fact just because Daily Mail readers are gullible enough to believe anything. Tell them that Princess Diana, The Nations Princess, was actually killed by a giant Octopus brandishing the Eiffel Tower as a weapon, who then got stuck in the tunnel, and was also under the awesome power of an asylum seeker with a vengeance, they'd probably believe you. The Daily Mail has ruined England, and is the source of a virus that is spreading worldwide, which allows people to be told when they are outraged. It's the next pandemic: Offendere Flu. How do we cure this? Well, I'm afraid morons are just going to have to be culled in their millions in a frantic bid to save the uninfected members of the Human Race.**

I have no conclusive end for this blog. I get annoyed by people being offended and big scandals being born from someone sharing their opinions with another, joking about, being misunderstood or just pointing out the bleeding obvious that everyone is also thinking. This needs to come to an end, but I don't actually see a way in which this can resolved. I think it's a scary moment to voice unappreciated opinions. Thank God no-one has heard from Jim Davidson for a while. What? He's making a comeback this year? Oh mercy!

*This is a joke. I am not going to blow up Kent and Canterbury Hospital, or any other hospital. This was an ill-conceived attempt at humour which I deeply regret and hope no-one has been inconvenienced by my comment. No malice was intended.

**This is a joke. When I said I wanted all moronic people culled, I was misquoted and I am deeply apologetic for any offence caused to the community of complete morons...