Whack-A-Baby

This probably is not the blog someone who is a few days away from becoming a Godfather should be writing, but hey, here I am about to complain about babies.

They may look cute, but they hold the potential to clear a room within seconds. First the loud crying begins which pierces through the ears of everyone in a 500 yard radius like someone blowing a vuvuzela in your ear for about 7 minutes, stopping only for a quick breath. Then follows the next step: Why are they crying? Well, it could be for a number of reasons, but if it's due to a number two in a nappy, the smell will linger in the nose of everyone in whiffing distance for six to eight weeks after.

My first proper experience with a baby only came 4 months ago when I held a baby for the first time. Luckily, I didn't drop him and didn't mess up too much due to him being asleep. However, upon him waking and me shoving a large Thumper teddy in his face, I soon managed to make him whimper. Babies are so stupid - everyone knows Thumper from the Bambi movie is cute and endearing and that cuddly toys are harmless. However, I now have two babies in my life, and I've made many observations:

Babies only really do two things for the first few months. One of which is sleep, and when they're not doing that, they're crying - usually about not being asleep, being hungry or having made a mess in their nappy. Now, when I'm trying to get to sleep, I understand that shouting about isn't going to help and will have the opposite effect. When I'm hungry I go to the fridge and have a babybell, or I make myself a snack. In the real world, you don't get food pumped straight into your mouth. And, as for making the mess in the nappy: Use a toilet. I know accidents happen, but there really is no point in crying about it, just go and change yourself quickly. However, when you're a baby, people rock you about and hum when you want to sleep. When you're hungry, you have the food source placed into your mouth (Talk about fresh!), and when you wet yourself, someone comes and cleans it up for you. They have it too easy!

You have to remember, no-one plays games with me now, or fusses over me, and I've been around for 20 years. Then these kids have barely been around 20 days and all everyone wants to do is cuddle the little cutie, and they buy them toys which make fun sounds and are brightly coloured. The people around that toy and child will eventually want to put gravel in their ears, but that is beside the point. No-one plays game with me now. I don’t even remember the last time someone brought me a brightly coloured toy to play with that rattles when I shake it - they're so spoilt!

Then people make a huge fuss about a baby being able to do basic human actions. Oh, the baby can roll over? Give it a bone. People seem to act as if this is the first ever human being to do so. I can roll, walk, run, jump, stand, sit, drive a car, wipe my bum, wiggle my ears and nose in unison, as well as say the word 'Supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus'. And what do people do when I do it? Nothing. When a baby tries to do one of those activities unsuccessfully, everyone cheers with encouragement and then tells everyone about it. Where is the justice in that? I feel like I'm wasting my life - I might get more attention if I gurgle while laying on my front, foaming at the mouth and flaying my legs around. Now, baby gorillas swing from tress. Show me a baby doing that, and then I'll start cheering.

Even when the babies grow up and become toddles, and older, they're still idiots. Take the Haribo advert as an example: The children are promised that 'if they resist, they can have another one'. Now, that means if they resist the one in front of them, they are getting to eat that one, plus another one. However, what do the children do? They eat the one on the table, and therefore only get 50% of what they could have potentially eaten. As someone who doesn't particularly like sweets, even I know that's an idiotic thing to do. The best thing I've seen a baby do on television is rollerblading in sync on the Evian advert. However, they were computer animated so therefore they lose that accolade.

The biggest problem I have with babies is that they're cute. One of the best things in life is when you see a child smile and hear him or her laugh; they have the potential to melt hearts. One of the things that I am looking forward to, is seeing the babies become increasingly curious, and it's hard to rant about them when all they need to do is use their facial muscles to make you forget about all the smelly nappies and the loud, ear-piercing screams. I really do admire the parents of babies as they suffer from lack of sleep, whilst still having to live a normal life. They have to deal with wet nappies every few hours, and have to decipher the reason for the yelling. I only have to deal with it for a few hours when I see the two babies who have recently entered my life; they have to put up with the 'bundle of joy' non-stop from birth until the child goes to nursery (so at least two years). They manage brilliantly, and don't murder. I'm not sure whether I could have that resilience.

That's how I know I will not be having a child in the near future, or even relatively distant future. The thought of having to live with a child for years, and pay for everything that they require and not be able to hand the child back to someone and leave, is worrying. I'm still too much of a cynic and a misanthrope to be able to deal with that. Maybe when I have developed more empathy, I MIGHT be able to deal with the bundle that forever has stuff spewing out of it, but also needing to have stuff put back in. I suspect I might have to get a baby doll that I can put in the tumble dryer and whatnot. I'll be happier with a rabbit or two until then: they're very cute, they're cuddly, they're loving and don't make much noise.

Image by Chris Parsons of me and a bunny.
He has so many places on t'Internet, but I think I'll direct you here to some of his stuff...

Oh, and dear children who are crying about teething: Wait until a Dentist has to pull them out, and then have braces on for two years - I hope you remember how easy you once had it!

Now, I'm off to ask if I can read this out at my Godchild's christening… I can't see why they wouldn't want me to...

P.S. I have provided you with a game in which you can hit children... Enjoy!