Monday 25 May 2009

The Past Seven Weeks Have Just Flown By...


I know I've already done a Britain's Got Talent blog, but another is deserved, because every time Piers Morgan came on the screen and said some crap, I just had 'Twat' pop up in bright, red, flashing lights - and for the record, I believe that Mr Methane (the farting guy) taught Piers Morgan to talk out of his arse...

I am intrigued as to what happened to Ant & Dec last night, because they didn’t seem to be on top form – well Ant wasn’t. He’s look for the evening seemed to be a bowling pin, with freshly painted black hair. His features also seem to be slipping further down his face. Dec seemed to be carrying him really, as well as the show, and it’s not a usual thing for me not to say positive things about Ant & Dec.

Something else which is annoying me is the amount of singing on Britain's Got Talent, and that is including Susan Boyle, because that's what 'The X Factor' is for, for British singing talent. Britain's Got Talent should be used as a way to celebrate the 'Diversity' (See what I done there...) of talent that we have here in Britain, from dancing groups, to violin players, to complete and utter freaks, with unusually large earlobes. I shall comment on the acts from the first of the semi finals, with my cynical view.

So, Diversity were the opening act for the Semi-Finals, and I must say, the best act of the night, and luckily they got through, and it must be the first time I agreed with Piers Morgan on something, but I'll try not to make it a regular occurrence, otherwise I may have to shoot myself with a gun loaded with shame. I like these street dance acts; I think they are really clever, because I could never do that, and at the end of their performance, with them incorporating people picking up the phone and voting for them in their act, was pretty darn clever choreography.

We had Natalie, a 10 year old (I think) who had quite a mature voice for someone her age, and she was good. The one thing I don't like about all these child singing acts is the fact they are children, and I'm against them being shoved in front of the camera by their parents and forced to sing to an audience otherwise they don't get their meal served on their favourite plate. I believe that if they are good when they are young, they will be excellent when they are older, so why can't they wait until they're sixteen and shove them on X-Factor. Luckily, she didn't get through - however she did cry live on telly, but not to worry, it was past her bed time.

We then had time for some surreal 'dancing', with Darth Jackson coming onto the stage, with a trademark white glove. It was a piece of very basic choreographed danced, with it really only involving him and some other people in costume moving across the stage. We also had SueSon, who was a violin player. Nothing out of the ordinary, she wasn't playing whilst eating fire, or playing with a venomous snake, she was just playing a violin - something rather a lot of people can do these days - so nothing that special. After her performance though, Simon Cowell said ''I'd sacrifice friendship over success any day", which I think is a good quote, which sums him up really and that is the reason for his success – no friends.

For Britain's Got Imported Talent - The Belly Dancer impressed the two guys with her assets, but Amanda buzzed not because she was jealous of her body, but because she was concerned about the Queen not appreciating Charles and her boys slobbering over the sight of her. I'm assuming she wasn't talking about Prince Andrew though... All I can say is that I'm glad there was a desk in front of Simon and Piers.

For some comic relief, in the form of the village people and another dance act, we had 'Faces of Dance', in which they put on faces of famous people, while dancing - this time to 'In The Navy'. First we had the pleasure of seeing Obama and Gordon dancing, summing up Britain and America's relationship, which was then strangely followed by The Queen and Prince Phillip dancing along. Next up was Ant and Dec, in which the camera turned to the real ones laughing, and then onwards to the faces of Jordan and Peter for some satirical dancing as I liked to call it. Last we had Simon and... Well Simon, and another Simon, and another and another, and in fact the stage then became infested with Simon Cowell's, dancing with their tops off.
The reactions from the judges involved Piers being less smug, because he wasn't included and made 'jokes' showing his jealousy, then Amanda who was dribbling more than what the other two did around the belly dancer, and making many sexual innuendo's because they had a six pack. Then Simon Cowell was just very big faced... Literally.

We also had a guy called Mick Hell and his fiancée, who’s chosen backing music was Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love, which I think perfectly described their relationship. He was basically a guy who stuck a drill up his nose, held an axe between his legs using his ear lobes, and took a chainsaw to his fiancée who was yielding a cucumber. I can only assume he was trying to kill her so he didn't have to marry the women who looked like she had been sacked from being Santa's Lil Helper because she kept putting drugs in the toy trains. In an attempt to be funny though, Mr Twat said 'Can you use the chainsaw on Simon', but luckily the audience didn't laugh, so he was quickly put in his place.

The final act was Susan Boyle, who did get through to the finals because of YOU, the British public, doing exactly what the media told you to do – yet again. You all voted for her because the media keep shoving her in your faces so much you've actually grown to 'like' her and feel sympathy for the confident bitch. The media attention she's got from both sides of the Atlantic is pathetic, but now she has too much confidence. Personally I think her and Piers should run off together because they are obviously perfectly suited, and he resorted to claiming that she was the saviour of the world, spreading hope to 58 million computer screens. Twat.
Anyway, within the first 5 seconds she went off key twice, but I must say she made a good recovery, but she was still a disappointment. And she does look terrible. If you thought Paul Potts was bad, you haven't seen anything. I would describe her look as a potato with the roots as hair and two slugs for eyebrows. At one point, the camera angle made it look like she had light shinning out of her arse... Or was it her face... It is so hard to tell. And when Ant & Dec announced she was the winner, she done the chicken dance across the stage and continuously thrust her hips at Piers. Not a pretty sight.

I really do not like Piers Morgan, and as you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a fan of Susan Boyle. I believe she is my replacement for Jade Goody. She has made it big just because she has a big mouth and because she was on a reality show, which she is more than likely going to win - unfortunately. I look forward to a future where my blogs will be less about dead reality TV stars, and more about reality stars which take form as a potato.

But Declan Donnelly promised us another semi tomorrow night. The dirty boy.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

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