Flee From Glee

Well, what can I say? Oh dear. America, when did you turn so gay? I don't mean in a homosexual way (however, that too is appropriate), I just mean, when did you become so happy and cheesy? Since you started bombing Iraq and Afghanistan, your TV seems to have become brightly coloured, with merriment, young people and 'improvised' dancing. First we had that High School Musical, in which over-aged actors and actresses play young teenagers who play basketball in between dancing, singing and lessons. That finished years ago. However, its soul lives on in a very slightly more mature way, in Glee.

Look at them, smiling. You wait until they get mentally crushed by real life!

Glee. Now this is pretty much the same format, but they apparently tackle more adult situations. I don't know what they could be. Maybe in a later episode, they sing the hits of Gary Glitter, and a few of them get sexually assaulted by their teacher. Maybe in a later episode they sing Gangsta Rap and a crazed American screams into the Glee Club and shoots them all in their gormless faces before turned the shotgun on himself after a 5 hour standoff with the police. Maybe they will have a Nirvana special, and the guy in the wheelchair gets bullied, causing him to hang himself. During Madonna week, did one of the blonde girls sing 'Papa Don't Preach' after finding out she was pregnant after a one night fling? I don't know, I didn't watch it, but I don't suppose that happened.

The remnants of High School Musical can be found in other American shows too. Camp Rock and Hannah Montana to name two. Both have the same format as High School Musical. 'Actors' 'singing' for the entertainment of snot-nosed children who cannot tell the difference between creativity and liquidised puke being poured into their ears in the form of an electric guitar and a teenager covered in more make up than someone attacked by a boots beautician with a vengeance. It's not the fault of magazines that 10 year olds want to be slim and wished they were prettier, blame Miley Cyrus; who is essentially a pile of fur balls choked up by an adorable kitten, with raisins stuck on for facial expressions, and a fire damaged novelty card which shouts at you every time you open it as a singing voice.

Anyway, yes. Glee. I understand that it is equally just as cool to not like Glee as it is to like Glee. If you are unaware and apathetic, then I am jealous of you and your better quality of life. If you've ever sat on your sofa and thought 'I wonder what it would sound like if some American adolescents sung some of my favourite songs badly and tried to attach them loosely to a story line', or you're easily mesmerised by moving colours, then Glee is the show for you! Mind you, do you remember ITV's version called 'Britannia' which was on TV a few years ago? Well, in comparison, Glee is great; but that is a very small victory.

I mean, honestly. If you consider yourself to be a fan of music in any shape or form, you just wouldn't watch that show. It's musical suicide. They may as well have a tick list of great performers who they have murdered through their computer generated voices. Say what you like about High School Musical, and I have, but at least they sing new, original songs. If you're going to be rubbish, then don't take successful musicians down with you!

We're also supposed to empathise with these characters. I empathise more with violent dogs which have been out down after mauling the face off a toddler than I do with them. The characters seem very one dimensional. In fact, they are exactly what you expect from an American show with teenagers in them. I can tell all of that by barely paying any attention to one episode.

I was glancing my eyes through the TV listings, and all of a sudden the words 'Rock Horror Show' captured them. A repeated look indicated the words 'Glee' where also very close by. I had never watched an episode previously. I had heard songs. You find it hard to go through life without hearing their version of 'Don't Stop Believing'. I go to the Pantomime and they sing the song. They then expect me to actually clap along! Excuse me, but I didn't pay for that. I paid to see grown fools make idiots of themselves to the loose script of a fairy tale and for the chance to hark back to my childhood. Not to be told to clap along with a cheap version of what was already a perfectly good song.

I digress again. Glee. Rocky Horror Show. Right.

I thought I would give Glee a chance. They're performing songs from one of my favoured musicals. The Rocky Horror Show is obscure, random, mind-boggling, bewildering, fun, sexy and outlandish. Glee certainly made their mark on the original. It made for an interesting interpretation. Not good interesting though. I got very bored of the tediously slow 'plot' and pathetic attempts at romantic and intimate moments. Mind you, whatever I say, the singing isn't awful. I've heard worse singing and I expect it would be quite refreshing to listen to after a night of karaoke singers in some tiny pub. However, they're all miming, badly. Which then makes you suspicious that isn't there real singing voice you're listening too. One of them is either fantastically brilliant at singing in a voice completely different to his speaking voice, or there has been some manipulation. The former would indicate talent, so it must be the latter.

Then again, I do dislike anything popular. My retired Godmother watches Glee. She likes it. It comes to something when a retired woman who enjoys cricket and Cliff Richard, is more down with the popular television shows of the younger generation than her 18 year old Godson...

A lot of people watch Glee, and from the episode I've seen, I cannot fathom out why. It isn't for the story line. It isn't for the singing. It isn't for the acting. It isn't for the characters. It isn't for the dancing. It isn't even for the songs. If you like music, go to a charity shop, buy some CD's and discover some brand new artist with brand new songs to get excited about, instead of bad interpretations of good songs. Which therefore takes me back to the point of people watching it for the moving colours; or maybe they find something enjoyable in watching forced smiles prancing about on their screen for an hour.

We will never know.

New Moon: The Stuart Review

It took a few attempts, but finally we got to see New Moon; or as a lot of people call it 'The New Twilight Movie'. You see, emo teenage girls very rarely get excited, and when something which appeals to them is on at the cinema, they all go together, thus making it impossible for anyone else to see it. Overall, the film is good though. Do I need to say anything else? Well I suppose I need to make the blog a bit longer...

The last film I done a review of (which was over a year ago) was when I got dragged to see High School Musical 3, and I'm pleased to report it's not as crap as that and is in no-way a cheesy film. High School Musical is such a cheesy film and the more I watch it, the more the hatred grows. It's a film that's cheesier than Wallace & Gromit's crackers, or if you didn't like that metaphor, it's cheesier than a fat-man's pairs of socks after walking from the sofa to kitchen and back to get a packet of biscuits. You can choose which metaphor suits it best.

Like High School Musical, New Moon appeals to the teenage girls in particular. It's one of them films where every man in the audience could just walk out and none of the women would notice because they're too busy ogling Edward's eyebrows or Jacob's tortoise-like shoulders. It's moments like that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend, as it seems like a bit of an awkward experience being forced to watch a movie with them, so they can drool over it while you twiddle your thumbs.

Everyone seems to find the actors 'fit', but I don't agree. As a result of explaining, I may end up getting lynched by teenage girls grasping razors, so if you love Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, I suggest you skip this paragraph. Robert Pattinson, in this film, has two rather big eyebrows which make Susan Boyle's eyebrows look an average size. His pale complexion just makes him look ill and the six pack he has drawn on, is like someone started drawing a pretty pattern on him but got bored half way through. Overall, I can't see his appeal. As for Taylor Lautner, with his hair cut and top off, he does look significantly like a naked tortoise. His six pack isn't drawn on, but his shoulders freak me out - they're too diagonal for my liking. This is also a reason why I wouldn't make a very successful girl.
One bit which kept me amused for a few minutes was the part towards the beginning with Bella and Edward in the woods when he tells her he has to leave. The script goes something like this:
Bella- I want to come.
Edward- I don't want you to come.
If I find out I was the only person to laugh at that bit, I will have to go and teach every person who went to watch it the art of comedy timing and explain 'euphemisms'. I think that was the best bit of the movie.

They've even began advertising in films now as well. They showed a Virgin America plane flying in the sky - something not exactly necessary for the plot. The fact one minute they're in America, the next in Italy is enough really. I wonder how much Richard Branson paid for that? I am told the Virgin Plane is symbiotic of Bella, but I'm not going into that.

I had a thought while watching New Moon during the scene with Bella getting a paper cut. With just one drop of blood, the vampire's have a thirst for blood. So can someone answer me this question... What happens when it's Bella's 'time of the month'? Surely, once a month for a few days, Bella has to stay away from the Cullens. What stops the Vampires from smelling that blood? Someone please tell me.

I would quite like to go to the cinema one time and swap New Moon for an old Vampire movie and see how they all react to it. A majority of Vampires in New Moon are very nice and lovely, as are the Werewolves who help everyone and just protect people. In old Vampire and Werewolf movies, they're the complete opposite, and I'd like to see how Twilight fanatics cope with it. I bet it wouldn't take them long to recognise it's the wrong movie.

The soundtrack for New Moon is well, depressing. It has some of my favourite bands such as OK Go, Muse, The Killers, Editors and Radiohead's Thom Yorke, but they've not exactly picked happy songs. However, they do go very well with how they are positioned in the film and add to the atmosphere. I just wouldn't rush out and buy the soundtrack to listen to on its own - the CD may as well come with a free razor.
Despite all that though, I very much enjoyed the film, and I think it's better than Twilight. Next film to come out to add to the saga is Eclipse, so I'll look forward to that being even better. After that it'll be Breaking Dawn, and then maybe Midnight Sun. I think if there is a sixth instalment, it will be called 'Morning Breath'. I should just point out, the only reason I know so much about all this and the reason I went to see the film in the first place, is because of my friends who have constantly talked about it, dragged me to the cinema and forced me to watch DVD's. I suppose I should grateful they've not glued each book to my hands and forced me to read them...

One more thing - if anyone asks, I support Team Edward (and no, it’s not a euphemism for being gay).

Friday Night Telly – and What Did I See Instead at the Cinema?

Friday night telly is actually really good at the moment. Usually I might watch Coronation Street and then sit down and watch Have I Got News for You, then Little Britain USA, QI, and then maybe I’ll watch Jonathan Ross. I do actually quite enjoy it.


Although for some reason, last night was different. I found myself at the cinema, watching, dare I say it, High School Musical 3, or as it says on the ticket – H. School Musical 3. Now, i’m known for not being very fond of High School Musical, and if I’m honest, I’m not sure why I went to see this one.
I did watch the first one over Easter when I was bored, and got really annoyed with it and never watched the second one because I didn’t want to.

So, here is my view of the third one. You may be surprised as to what I say.
Even though I hated, I actually liked it, a little bit anyway. If it wasn’t a Disney film, I may have liked it. Like all Disney films, everyone was happy, and did not at all represent real teenage life.
Teenage life is nothing like that – especially in America. When they go into spontaneous singing and dancing, how come everyone knows the words and moves? No way could that ever happen in really life, although I would love to see it happen.
America, at the moment, is well known for its High School shootings, so how come none of the main characters got shot by some perverted, virgin guy? That’s what I want to know. And how come everyone in the school is good looking, talented and madly in love? It makes me sick, and also a tad jealous.

The cinema was full of Zac Efron fans, including the ones I was with. Now, this was obvious on a number of occasions, namely when he took his shirt off. Unfortunately though, we never got to see his six pack, we only saw his back. Shame really.
Also, you’ll find I got into it a bit too much. Halfway through, I found the need to shout ‘bitch’ at Vanessa Hudgens. She did deserve it though.
And also, there is one song which I liked, but don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret and i’ll never hear the end of it if people were to find out. It’s ‘Scream – Zac Efron’, the one he was singing while prancing around the school at night.


So, was it 115 minutes well spent of my Friday evening, instead of watching some brilliant comedy? No, unfortunately I won’t be doing it again and I won’t be pre-ordering it on play.com. I am glad I went to see it though, because I can’t say I hate something I’ve never seen. Well, I could if I wanted to.
So, that’s my opinion of HSM3.
And now, ITV start a new series this weekend called 'Britannia High' which is, as you can probably guess, the English version of HSM. I'm guessing it will be just as pants as the original, but I'm sure it will get high ratings, somehow.

If you fancy listening to the song I like, here is a link to it on YouTube - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sKTt51LgAbE

Just A Bit of Information For You
I will no longer being doing this blog weekly, I will do it when I have an idea, so sometimes I will do a few during a week, and sometimes I won’t do any.So, I’ll be back in a few days with another blog. Toodles.