Thank-You God For Murders, Floods and Reality Television

This week Canterbury has been in the news lot. A murder, a shooting and local headteacher Phil Karnavas (Canterbury High - Woop!) in The Guardian (which I unsuspectingly saw on a train to London) moaning about the Government’s attitude towards education. You can tell a lot about a city by where their shootings happen. In London people get shot in 'da ghettos', in Liverpool it's randomly on the street and in Canterbury it's in Morrisons, next to the cleaning products isle. Who cares about that though? All everyone really cares about this week is X-Factor, I'm A Celebrity and Cocks In Mouths - oh sorry, it's Cockermouth, my mistake.

Pretty much everyone has heard this week that in the heavy rain, a place in Cumbria called 'Cockermouth', got flooded. Now, am I only one that laughed the morning it happened when they were talking about it on the news? Surely it isn't just me who is that immature. Listening to the news has become a battle, seeing who many times the news reporter can say 'Cockermouth' before you laugh. Who named that place anyway? It's a ridiculous name for a town. I have a theory about how it came to get that name...
The Mayor was having a conversation on the phone to the sign makers who were going to design the new sign for the town, when all of a sudden a prostitute walks in. The Mayor then shouted 'My cocks in her mouth', but because the phone line was dodgy it came out the other end as 'cockermouth', and the Mayor, to embarrassed to tell this story, decided he would change the name of the town instead. That’s my theory anyway.
Now everytime it rains, a man standing by the river says on the news report that ‘Cockermouth is at risk of being flooded again’, when really it's only a 10 minute shower. People really are very paranoid when it comes to flooding. I'm only going to worry about flooding when a giant wooden boat sails past my house smelling like a farmyard...
A farmyard links me nicely to this year’s 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'. I'm going to attempt to write about it, even though I've not watched one second of it this year. It certainly has run its course. People still watch it, and people still feel the need to tell me what's going on, but really, it's the same kangaroo-testical-eating-nonsense as it was 8 years ago. ITV have missed out on one good piece of marketing however. Imagine if ITV done 3D week instead of Channel 4; the nation be invited to watch Katie Price's breasts in 3 dimensions. That's a scary thought, but it would have made all the lonely old men rush to Sainsbury's to get a pair of glasses to watch her pair of jugs.
Katie Price walked out of the jungle after a week, when she realised that no-one liked her after being nominated to do every bush tucker trial. She apparently went into the jungle to get closure - well I have a piece of advice for you Katie Price -'Close your legs, close your mouth and f*** off'. Harsh, I know, but she really does annoy me these days.
When she walked out, she then dumped her boyfriend on live television, and now the papers are relishing the fact that the ex-boyfriend may sell some naughty images of her. It really has been another few weeks of Katie Price cluttering up my head with useless information I don't want to know about her.
How unlucky ITV were Sunday night. They lost two pairs of tits in on evening. Before Katie Price left I'm A Celebrity, John and Edward were finally booted off the X-Factor. I believe that 'Jedward', as people call them, are the singing equivalent to Nick Griffin. No-one likes them, but someone must have voted for them for them to last so long. The Irish Twats... Twits... Twins (I got there eventually) during their time, danced with a giant marshmallow while ‘singing’ Ghostbusters, ‘sang’ numerous Queen songs, ‘rapped’ wearing white jump suits and also ‘sang’ a Britney Spears song while wearing red Lycra. Multitalented certainly isn't a word I'd use to describe them. The next day, there were rumours that 'Jedward' where going to fly to Australia and join the I'm A Celebrity jungle – it is amazing how gullible the public are.
Right, that's the end of this satirical blog. My target is to do a satirical blog once a week about things which have happened during that week. How long this will last, I don't know, but I will but try. I shall still do my long blogs though, and the next blog will be about New Moon...


P.S. I'm not religious.