10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 5-1)

Now we find ourselves at my final 5 reasons as to why life in Britain is so depressing. To recap, we had Simpson Repeats, Dependency of Technology, Complaining, Entertainment and the young people’s version of 'love'. Yes, these are not very typically depressing subjects and they do not have a big effect in Britain's level of depression. That is why they were lower down the list. These next and final five are bad. They will have you sitting at your computer screen making your blood boil at the realisation that these things are terrible and happen far too often in our culture; or at the very list, make me more of a cynic. Either way...

5. Get Off Facebook
The whole world seems to spend far too much time on Facebook, especially on Facebook. Everything has to be Facebooked. You have to share your current activity or thought with your friends. You have to create group so you can share your values and ideals with other people worldwide. Share pictures from the night before, and then moan when everyone sees them. Even relationships only become properly official when Facebook says so. People live in houses which have gardens covered in weeds because they spend too much time on Farmville growing Strawberries and the real dog goes unfed because the virtual one needs feeding. It seems that Facebook has ruined and taken over our lives. I am guilty of this too, but I'm not happy about it.
Living a country in which no-one goes outside and spends their life talking to 'friends' on Facebook can have its advantages with it meaning that all the people no-one likes have something to do. My Facebook gets rarely updated and I spend very little time on it now these days, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I feel sorry for all the people of our country that are addicted to Facebook for getting no sunlight. However, I envy the homeless guy in the underpass that has not got a Facebook page, he has not got to worry about the mundane things like us more fortunate people have to, like what to update our status to. Anyway, please British Facebooker’s go out and get a drink with some real friends and help stop the recession instead of paying AOL £15 a month to sit on Facebook.

4. Our Life Being Controlled By Machines
Self Checkout Machines. These were sold to us an easier and quicker way for paying for our shopping. What a lie that turned out to be. You scan your shopping yourself. Sounds simple enough. You have numerous attempts at scanning a pint of milk before it finally realises you are trying to scan something. You have to make sure you put it in exactly the right place in the bagging area otherwise it'll moan at you. Inevitably something will not work properly, then it starts shouting for assistance like a rape alarm made by Steven Hawking. You find that the amount of staff used to attend all the cries for help by these robots would be the same number needed to run the equivalent number of proper checkouts. Then you have to pay. If you pay by card, they're nice to you. Should you pay with cash/coins, then you are in big trouble. The machines will never accept it on your first or second attempt. You'll be lucky if it accepts the money on the third, but more likely on the fourth go. You then have to stand there for a minute while the machine seems to count the change out. QUICKER? You're having a joke are you not?
Then you have those parking machines. Rarely a simple thing, and yet another machine which tries to ruin my life and makes my blood boil. I've been driving not even two months and numerous times I have just stood and shouted at the machine. First it won't accept the coins. Then it swallows the coins and you lose them. Then it spits them out at you just as you start putting more money in. All this for a couple of hours parking. I won't even get started at the price. We moan about unemployment, so why could we not employ people. Sure, they'll probably just get moody and we would still moan, but at least it would be more efficient - however, probably more expensive as the case is. I think the next Government should start the abolishment of machines and go back to using people. Hint Hint...

3. Grasp Of The English Language
A well-known pet hate of mine is people using text speak and slang. I don't understand why it is used. It takes me longer to work out what half the abbreviations mean than it would take to type the actual words. Slang, I can live with, as that is just our language evolving to become a more bastardised form. Text speak is just pointless. Since when has 'yoo' been easier than typing 'you'? Is there much effort to move your finger a few centimetres left? 'KK' is shorter of 'OK'. Again, since when has it been so hard to move your finger a centimetre higher? Then the worst of the lot - 'Iz'. Why are people trying to shorten short words? It just makes no sense. Text speak is purely just the language of the stupid and lazy.
Then you have words that have changed meaning over time. 'Epic' is a new favourite commonly used. A word that once meant heroic or impressively great now seems to be 'epically' overused to mean absolutely anything. You can have an 'epic fail', maybe an 'epic win' or just possibly an 'epic haircut'. The word 'Epic' has now been bastardised. Like I said in the previous blog, Love also has changed meanings with it now meaning to just be infatuated with another person mostly. Then you have new words. The new word which bugs me the most is 'lol'. I have got used to it being used on the Internet, and that no longer bugs me. What bugs me is people saying 'lol' in real every day-to-day life. I miss the days when people used to laugh. Anywho, maybe you lot should start writing and talking properly.

2. 'Celebrities'
It no secret. I hate 'Celebrities'. I hate Katie Price. I hated Jade Goody (and still technically do). I hate Piers Morgan. I hate Miley Cyrus. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Lindsey Lohan. I hate Gerard Butler. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Jack Tweed. I hate Zac Efron. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate John Terry. I hate Cheryl Cole. I hate Alex Reid. I hate Chris Brown. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate 'Jedward'. I hate Russel Brand. I hate Fearne Cotton. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. I hate Susan Boyle. I hate Heather Mills. I hate Kanye West. I hate Geri Halliwell. I hate Peaches Geldoff. I hate Vanessa Hugdens. I hate Myleene Klass. I hate David Van Day. I hate Esther Rantzen. I hate Vernon Kay. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Alexandra Burke. I hate Amy Winehouse. I hate Judy Finnigan. I hate both Liam and Noel Gallagher. I hate Kate Moss. I hate Jack Osbourne.
I hate a lot of celebrities. Infact, it probably would have been easier to just say I hate all celebrities and save the hassle of writing that long list. Anywho, shall I tell you whose fault it is we have to hear about them all the day? Yours! You keep buying these gossip magazines that fuel celebrity culture and all the people mentioned in the above list. These people that buy the magazines are also the ones that moan about constantly hearing about Katie Price's new marriage. Well, if you don't care, don't buy the magazine that pays her to tell you about it. It's like people moaning about Child Labour in poor countries - while wearing their brand new shoes, made in a poor country by a child. Members of the public (well, not you all, but a majority of you), could you please stop buying these magazines!

Which leads me on nicely to Number One...

1. The Media
Have you watched ITV News since they renovated themselves a few months ago? It is essentially The Sun being read out with moving pictures. The young journalists always seem to be too excited when they have been sent out with a Microphone and a Camera. Using younger presenters, instead of the experienced ones, appeals to the younger audience, ideally, people of a similar age to me. It was all part of a plan to get young people interested in the news. If anything, it has put me off the news. I don't watch Sky News for the same reason. I now only watch BBC news. Is it because they are the best? No, it is because I want the news told to me by experienced journalists, not young ones who have more spots than I do. This depresses me that they have to have a target audience. It is the news. Just read the news out properly, and people who are interested will find it and watch it.
The newspapers as always are keen to jump on any tiny, insignificant story and blow it way out of proportion or just completely change the story to make it more glamorised. An example of this in a local paper recently was it telling its readers that 'An old man was involved in a vehicle accident with a lorry and was seriously injured'. The real story was actually 'An old woman lost control of her car after getting a puncture, but only received minor injuries'. Stories like these can be found in every newspaper across the country. The famous story which was blown completely out of proportion by the newspapers is the Ross/Brand fiasco. Not many people complained initially. Then, the papers took it out of proportion and context, and then thousands of people complained, despite only reading about. The same could be said for Tiger Woods affairs towards the end of last year. The newspapers were not content on just saying that he had an affair, but they had to find the woman and interview her. Then, report on every other affair that was revealed. Why should we care about a man’s private life? Because the media tell us we should.
Another pet hate of mine in the media, which has the main objective of shaming and depressing Britain as a nation, is coming up with percentages and averages which compare us to other countries in negative things such as teenage pregnancy, unemployment or gang violence. It seems to be reported on a weekly bases that Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates. I see no reason for them to need to do this. You cannot stop teenagers having sex, so why keep telling us we have the horniest teenagers in the world. I never see the point in comparing us to other countries. If anything, you're just convincing more people to migrate to other countries.
The media always seems intent on comparing celebrities as well. Complaining when they look slightly fat: 'Is that very tiny bulge over her bikini bottoms? It is! Zoom in as far as you can, put it in Photoshop and add some stretch marks, and then put it in this week’s Hello magazine.' I do not quite see how pointing out everyone's small and highly unimportant flaws to the world is classed as entertainment. However, when the same celebrity is seen a few weeks later with a slightly smaller bulge over her bikini bottoms, the media might as well start shouting the accusations of a diet or plastic surgery from a very tall building in London with a megaphone, without any evidence of course. The hypercritical journalists found in the media are very annoying and after a while of reading these stories, just gets tiring and boring.
I have chosen the media as my preferred sector to have a career in. Why, I am not quite sure, seeing as it annoys me the most. I'm not going into the business to try and change it, because that will never happen. The fact that I have chosen a profession which annoys me, just proves that I love to moan, and also highly depresses me; thus why it is found at the number one spot.

There you have it, the top ten reasons why life on this Island which people call 'Britain' is depressing. There will be people who disagree with my ratings, and there will be those who will completely agree and congratulate me in summarising British life into two blogs. However, a majority of those people will never read this blog, but people who do read this. Please give me your thoughts.

I have decided that in years time, when I have spent far too long living in Britain and I have begun to lose my marbles as a result of Britain angering me so much, I'm going to get a welcome bath mat, just to keep me guessing.

Seeing as people seem to fail to find the first half; here are Reasons 10 - 5.

Jade Goody: What A Smashing Year It Has Been Without Her!

It was a year ago today that Jade Goody went through those fiery gates of hell, with the molten lava flooding past her and the aroma of burnt sausages wafting around the place. I have a visual image of Hitler and Suddam Hussien holding a banner which says 'Welcome Jade Goody' at the entrance to hell, with the devil there himself, to personally welcome in his newest member to his community. With it being a Sunday, he would usually be taking a well-deserved break after a week of torturing, but after hearing about the work that this 'Goody' person had done above on Earth, he just had to meet her and congratulate her for her lifetime commitment to being annoying, loud-mouthed, media-attention-seeking, money hungry, bitch.

It seems time is not a healer, as a year later I still have this strong, and some might say 'negative' opinion towards the woman I affectionately call 'ARG, not her again'. The last week or so has been quite confusing and painful for me, thanks to her. The 22nd of March 2009 has been burnt onto my mind forever as one of the happiest days of my life and I also remember it as Mothers Day, so imagine my surprise when I found out just days before that Mothers day this year was a week earlier, on the 14th of March. I had to rush to Tesco's to buy my Mum a card and flowers, all because of that Jade Goody. I thought I was safe in the knowledge that Mothers Day would be the 21st, and that's not all.

Beyond the grave, I swear Jade Goody has not only attempted to make my Mum angry at me, but also to crash my car by cursing me with a bad leg, and also making me vomit myself to death by putting me under the spell of a virus which left me bid ridden for nearly three full days. All I suspect to stop me writing and publishing yet another anti-Goody blog. Maybe I am paranoid, but better luck next time.


I am glad Michael Jackson died last year as well, but not because I disliked him, because I didn't, but purely because it took the hype from Jade Goody. If it wasn't for him, 2009 would be the year that the people of Britain would remember as the year Jade Goody died, but thanks to his doctor killing him, he has become the big death of 2009. I bet Max Clifford was absolutely livid about it, and it is because of that image, I go to sleep happy, every single night.

There is a part in mind which is very suspicious of her whole death really, because who knows what lengths she would go to be famous and popular. Maybe she is dead, or maybe she is alive and living somewhere no-one knows of her and wouldn't recognise her (how I envy them). You may be reading this thinking 'That's a stupid idea; she isn't that idiotic and it wouldn't work'. Well, let me just remind you that this is a woman who pronounced East Anglia as 'East Angular' and thought that to be abroad. As for 'she would never get away with it', never underestimate the power that Max Clifford has.

Again, here is my paranoia (and my hatred) shinning through again, but I think it to be quite a coincidence that at the peak of her unpopularity for being a racist, she gets cancer, gains sympathy, becomes loved then dies before she can ruin it by saying yet another stupid thing. Maybe the reason I am suspicious that she could still be alive is that I miss her and want her to still be alive, because I do. I loved the days when all my Tweets were about how she had annoyed me, when all my blogs seemed to mention her and call her names and when I would come up with a new joke when I saw her face in a gossip magazine or newspaper which would either make my friends laugh or tell me 'that was harsh'. If she came back, imagine all the fun I could have with that.

Instead I have to live with Jade Goody being mentioned every single time Cervical Cancer is mentioned. Every time I read a newspaper or magazine article which is about Cervical Cancer, you can bet that her name is mentioned. Okay, I am aware that I have said this numerous times in many of my blogs and I am going to have to say it again: She done absolutely nothing of any worth. At no point during her illness did she campaign for young girls to get themselves checked out. Essentially, her dying was the best thing that could ever happen, because A) It cheered me up and B) It shocked people into getting themselves checked. All these girls only get themselves checked as a consequence of her dying, not because she tirelessly campaigned. It distresses and provokes me when people almost thank her for girls getting checked out.

Again, I should just reiterate, I am not glad she got cancer; as the cliché goes: I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I have gone yet another year of witnessing the effects that cancer has upon people, with yet another relative biting the dust as a result of it. However, another relative has had cancer and is now perfectly healthy; it really is unpredictable. I have also seen friends deal with relatives that have cancer, and it is not a good thing, and hopefully soon they will find the cure AND not making it so expensive that no-one can actually afford to be cured, as is so often the case. However, I should reiterate one more thing, I still really, absolutely dislike Jade Goody; I'm not heartless and I am actually quite a genuinely nice person, but I nether had sympathy for her!


Last night on television, there was a tribute show to someone who died last year, which I enjoyed greatly and thought it very emotional and tastefully done. That was Boyzone's Tribute To Steven Gately (R.I.P). However, on last night at the same time was 'Jade: A Year Without Her' on Living TV. I found it funny that numerous people told me about this for weeks previous. I had people Tweeting me, sending me texts, I had an email and also people telling me when they saw me in person. I think it is a great tribute to how much I hated her and how much of an impression I made upon people by doing this. I almost feel pressured into writing this blog; like I am expected to insult her by everyone because of this persona I have created, and this makes me happy. I’ve got to be good at something.

Going back to the tribute, and I could not watch it. Not just because I risked being a hypocrite if I did as it would mean not living by my own values, but for technical reasons: I don't have Sky or Virgin Media so therefore couldn't watch it due lack of the actually channel. I did read the immediate reviews of it afterwards however and also read Tweets while the show was on, and from what I gathered it was what I would call 'Poppycock' and 'Balderdash'! It was apparently a very emotional program in which many people were in or nearly in tears at. I can't help but think these people are very pathetic. Also, she was portrayed as a brilliant person from what I could gather; shown as a fantastic parent to her two children and many people fell in love with her. Essentially, Max Clifford did a good job at achieving his aim.

Obviously, a tribute show of someone's life is not going to catalogue all the persons failings in chronological order, so this was expected, but I just find it amazing how easily people forget the bad things a person done when the media pretend they didn't happen. They clearly have taken all the positive stuff from her life, such as her kids, and based the majority of the show around them for ultimate sympathy from the audience. All-of-a-sudden, all the racism and stupidity is forgotten. A parallel to this happening to a person who is actually alive is Cheryl Cole, being portrayed as this princess of modern times and the role model for millions of girls and women; yet only a few years ago a toilet attendant in a club got beaten up by her. It is blooming annoying.

I am glad that is how they made the show; I think it to be quite fitting of how she lived her life really - a liar. Anyway, I know I will have to get over her death soon and just move on with my life. I know I will have to stop using her as my 'go-to-guy' when I need an easy target to insult in conversations, Tweets and blog posts, but it is just so very hard to move on. I have tried my best, what with Katie Price being an ideal and even easier target for my insults, especially with her not knowing who her husband was last week during her interview on This Morning (Thank Goody I was ill to see that), but it just is not the same. I have all these memories of when life was great and care free. The days when I could insult a women who was dying of cancer, and still get laugh, but now I just look desperate.

There are just three other things which fill me with joy about Jade Goody’s death and also about the anniversary. The first being that my lucky number has always been the number 27, and this was proved by the fact that Jade Goody died at the age of 27. Now, to me it is more than a lucky number - it is a holy, saintly number which will bring joy to me throughout my life.

The second is sweet taste I have in my mouth while typing this very sentence. In the news yesterday was that Jackiey Budden, the mother of Jade Goody, spent the days before her daughter's memorial service yesterday on a drink and drug-induced binge in Tenerife. It is all explained how Jade became such an awful human being, and proof that the entire family are just awful human beings and should be dropped into a giant crater and left to die, like that scene in the BFG at the end.

The third is that Jade Goody being dead essentially proves that - I won. I hated her and now she is dead. I win. Maybe I'll get lucky and Katie Price's left breast will implode and kill her. For now: Stuart 1, Pop Culture 0.

February: Love Month (Apparently)

The shortest month of the year has been and gone confined to the history books as the second snowy month of 2010. February consists of Pancake Day, a day which everyone eats Pancakes surprisingly. Why only on this day, I don't know. Then February also has 'Valaween' hidden in the middle of it. Just in case you were wondering, I got no late Valentine's Cards, so that is another year of receiving (and sending) none. I look forward to yet another year of having my Facebook Status set to 'Single'.

Snow played yet another big part in this the month of February as it did in January, and yet again every moaned about it. They say we had the coldest winter since 1979 and the news was quick to show us yet more images of our nation suffering. Whether it was of monkeys sitting in the snow in a zoo or a tractor ironically being stuck in the snow after trying to pull a car out of a ditch, we had to be constantly told how much devastation this is causing us Brits. Last year, experts predicted Swine Flu to be the worst thing to affect us this winter, with it potentially killing millions, but instead it was the snow. Who could've seen that coming? Well, you would have thought the people at the Met Office.
Would you believe that it is the job of people at the Met Office to predict the weather so we can prepare ourselves? Yet, every time they seem to fail. A good use of money I think - paying people to do a job wrong. Mind you, if we pay our bankers millions of pounds for losing our money, why shouldn't we pay them to not do their job properly either. It seems our country is full of failures, and yet the Daily Mail still wonder why we have foreigners doing our jobs. Maybe it is because they are more competent - just a guess.
While I am on the subject of competence, let’s go back a few weeks ago (To Valentine's Day infact) when there was a smashing interview between a twatting tit and an unpopular growth. Yes, I am referring to the Piers Morgan/Gordon Brown interview on ITV 1. Now I am sure that you are aware of my dislike of Piers Morgan, so you can imagine my surprise after watching an hour long show with him in it that I 'enjoyed'. Well, maybe 'enjoy' is a bit of an overstatement, but I did think it was very interesting. I believe that Mr Brown came across very well in the interview. Granted, I did spend a majority of the interview just being mesmerised by the skin of Gordon Brown's neck and maybe that is what hypnotised me into liking him.
I think the Scot answered all the questions exactly right, despite Piers Morgan asking him really inappropriate questions which no-one wants to know the answer to. Why should I want to know 'How many girls Gordon Brown slept with while at University’? This was a political interview, not Loose Women! The overall interview was near on 3 hours, so it makes you wonder how awful the other 2 hours of stuff was, but that is the positive of editing I suppose. Alistair Campbell (Incidentally, I met his wife at the beginning of February - Fiona Millar - Thanks Mr Karnavas!) and Gordon Brown must be very happy with the outcome of the interview, and I do truly believe that the interview has actually helped Brown's election chances. However, if I'm 18 before the elections, I will still vote Conservative, but at least he tried.
The Winter Olympics happened in Vancouver, Canada during February as well. It became slightly hard for me to watch after that guy died while practicing for the Luge, so I didn't watch much after the first few days. However, I was pretty addicted to it before that happened and I did become quite the expert in Short Hill Ski Jumping as well as the Speed Skiing. How well did Britain do? Shockingly bad as usual. You would have thought with all the snow we have had, we could have done better. The medal we did though was a gold one.
That medal was one for us by a Miss Amy Williams. She competed in the 'Bob Skelton' which is essentially laying front first on a toboggan while going around a bobsleigh track head-first. It seems like quite scary stuff, and luckily I did actually watch this. A positive of them laying front first is that you can see their rear ends very well. The comment I made while watching her being hurtled around the track by the G-Forces for her winning run was that she had a very nice arse. I am not lying either, it is a VERY nice arse that Amy Williams has.
I think we all know that John Terry would have liked it also. Just in case you are not aware due to being trapped on a desert island with no contact to civilisation, he has been accused of sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend. Yes, it does seem like something that would be found on the Jeremy Kyle show. John Terry cheated on his own wife with the girlfriend of his former best friend and England Teammate. For some reason, Wayne Bridge has pulled out of the England Football team due to it. I wonder why?
Then of course you have the Cheryl Cole/Ashley Cole saga. What is it with footballers and their ability to 'score away from home' (a nice football based pun for you)? My theory is that they get paid too much to do sod all. They train in the morning and nothing the rest of the day. They have all that money, all that fame and the ball skill (two in one paragraph; look at me go). They have the ability to seduce any woman, so they do, despite how utterly gorgeous their 'WAG's are.
However, you can't talk about failing marriages without mentioning Katie Price, or whatever she is calling herself these days. It was only a few weeks since I wrote a blog about Katie Price's latest gossip and already it seems to be out dated. She and Alex got married in Las Vegas. Then there was talk they were getting divorced. Then talk of him wanting to adopt Peter Andre's children. Then talk that he gets no say in the marriage and that Katie 'wears' the trousers in the house. Then more talk about them getting divorced. Then I am being told that they are happily in love.
I am just confused. I try to use as little brain power as possible when it comes to trying to solve what is happening in modern pop culture because I have better and more important things to waste my time thinking about, like whether I want Cheese or Egg Sandwiches for lunch. However, trying to figure out Katie Price's love life is just confusing. However, this does trigger the question - why do we as a nation care?

Now, I apologise for being a day late in posting this blog 'End of the Month' blog. The reason for this is that I had a mad spasm of a social life. I was actually out and having fun which meant I had no time to write the blog. My weekend consisted of sleeping on a bed with more people than the bed was originally designed for then a sofa, as well as drinking alcohol (I am part of the statistic of underage drinkers, but then who isn't?) and eating far too much cake. However, I would describe the weekend as 'Brilliant', 'Much Needed', 'Extraordinary Fun' and also 'One Of My Best Yet'. If I may be slightly cheesy and ruin this angry persona I seem to have going, Thanks Guys for a great couple of days, and I hope you had a great time Emily.

Anyway, onwards with March. I predict that this month will bring more devastation, more marital conflict, more crap telly, and also the celebration of a year without an unloved celebrity...

Katie: 'What's Your' Price?

I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...

She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.

Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.

The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).

In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.

Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.

This is going to be a fun week...

The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

Thank-You God For Murders, Floods and Reality Television

This week Canterbury has been in the news lot. A murder, a shooting and local headteacher Phil Karnavas (Canterbury High - Woop!) in The Guardian (which I unsuspectingly saw on a train to London) moaning about the Government’s attitude towards education. You can tell a lot about a city by where their shootings happen. In London people get shot in 'da ghettos', in Liverpool it's randomly on the street and in Canterbury it's in Morrisons, next to the cleaning products isle. Who cares about that though? All everyone really cares about this week is X-Factor, I'm A Celebrity and Cocks In Mouths - oh sorry, it's Cockermouth, my mistake.

Pretty much everyone has heard this week that in the heavy rain, a place in Cumbria called 'Cockermouth', got flooded. Now, am I only one that laughed the morning it happened when they were talking about it on the news? Surely it isn't just me who is that immature. Listening to the news has become a battle, seeing who many times the news reporter can say 'Cockermouth' before you laugh. Who named that place anyway? It's a ridiculous name for a town. I have a theory about how it came to get that name...
The Mayor was having a conversation on the phone to the sign makers who were going to design the new sign for the town, when all of a sudden a prostitute walks in. The Mayor then shouted 'My cocks in her mouth', but because the phone line was dodgy it came out the other end as 'cockermouth', and the Mayor, to embarrassed to tell this story, decided he would change the name of the town instead. That’s my theory anyway.
Now everytime it rains, a man standing by the river says on the news report that ‘Cockermouth is at risk of being flooded again’, when really it's only a 10 minute shower. People really are very paranoid when it comes to flooding. I'm only going to worry about flooding when a giant wooden boat sails past my house smelling like a farmyard...
A farmyard links me nicely to this year’s 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'. I'm going to attempt to write about it, even though I've not watched one second of it this year. It certainly has run its course. People still watch it, and people still feel the need to tell me what's going on, but really, it's the same kangaroo-testical-eating-nonsense as it was 8 years ago. ITV have missed out on one good piece of marketing however. Imagine if ITV done 3D week instead of Channel 4; the nation be invited to watch Katie Price's breasts in 3 dimensions. That's a scary thought, but it would have made all the lonely old men rush to Sainsbury's to get a pair of glasses to watch her pair of jugs.
Katie Price walked out of the jungle after a week, when she realised that no-one liked her after being nominated to do every bush tucker trial. She apparently went into the jungle to get closure - well I have a piece of advice for you Katie Price -'Close your legs, close your mouth and f*** off'. Harsh, I know, but she really does annoy me these days.
When she walked out, she then dumped her boyfriend on live television, and now the papers are relishing the fact that the ex-boyfriend may sell some naughty images of her. It really has been another few weeks of Katie Price cluttering up my head with useless information I don't want to know about her.
How unlucky ITV were Sunday night. They lost two pairs of tits in on evening. Before Katie Price left I'm A Celebrity, John and Edward were finally booted off the X-Factor. I believe that 'Jedward', as people call them, are the singing equivalent to Nick Griffin. No-one likes them, but someone must have voted for them for them to last so long. The Irish Twats... Twits... Twins (I got there eventually) during their time, danced with a giant marshmallow while ‘singing’ Ghostbusters, ‘sang’ numerous Queen songs, ‘rapped’ wearing white jump suits and also ‘sang’ a Britney Spears song while wearing red Lycra. Multitalented certainly isn't a word I'd use to describe them. The next day, there were rumours that 'Jedward' where going to fly to Australia and join the I'm A Celebrity jungle – it is amazing how gullible the public are.
Right, that's the end of this satirical blog. My target is to do a satirical blog once a week about things which have happened during that week. How long this will last, I don't know, but I will but try. I shall still do my long blogs though, and the next blog will be about New Moon...


P.S. I'm not religious.

My TV Hell Has Come True Twice Now

In my idea of hell, there would be Jordan and Piers Morgan being played constantly on giant televisions everywhere. A few months ago on Piers Morgan's chat show, that came true, and they spoke to each other for an hour, talking about things I didn't care about (and in fact never watched because I never cared) but gave everyone the perfect reason to blow up their televisions. And last night, it came true again. Piers Morgan got two chairs and put them in Jordan's house, as well as a giant film crew to record another interview with Jordan, or Katie Price as she likes to be called, to talk about her extremely biased view of her break-up with Peter Andre.

The show started with an extract from their previous interview, of her saying hypocritically, that she was still in love Peter and would be together forever. Piers Morgan was quick to point this out in the interview and kept mentioning it to Katie. He kept doing a voice over in a stern; cuntish (is that a word? Well it is now) voice, where he summed up what the page 3 stripper had said in a language only a twat could fully understand. He even mentioned how she was hogging the headlines in the newspapers.

So, we go to a short ad break and come back to the 'Interview of the Year' and we get told all about the picture which apparently caused Pete to divorce Katie. It wasn't her fault at all apparently. I don't know who divorced who, and in fact I don't particularly care, but this was going to be a very biased interview from the start. We were only going to get one side of this argument. We have been told time and time again that Pete was the bastard in this story, and that Katie was the princess in this story. Piers even said that he had sympathy for Pete, even he could tell that this was actually her fault a bit.

We went back to Katie being a stupid hypocrite. One minute she hated Pete, the next she loved him. One minute she was saying she wanted privacy, which considering she is doing a TV interview about her private life, is extremely hard to believe. One minute she was saying she had left her Jordan life style behind her and wanted to be called Katie Price, just before she said that there will always be a bit of Jordan in her - she can't resist taking her clothes off when she was drunk. Okay, so half way through, and it seems we are talking to someone with a split personality. Just before going to a second break, we are left with her saying, in stronger language, that she didn't care what Pete thought, ringing in our ears.

Part three now, and we get onto the discussion about their latest reality show, with them in America, and Piers, with his eagle eyes, spots that they kept arguing, and asks why. Because they were with each other constantly and never had any private time apart apparently. Then an emotional, sympathetic bombshell is dropped on the Interview, where she calmly announced she was pregnant and the baby died, just before she cried, for about 10 seconds and goes back to calmly discussing it all, and saying again how much of a twat Pete was before crying again and saying that Pete dumped her just after the baby died. Then we get told about how she found out the baby had died, and continues to try and cry through her Botox. She then tells the story about how she triumphantly runs the London Marathon days after the miscarriage and bled the way through. Lovely image there.

She could have very easily have kept that to herself, there was absolutely no need to announce that to the world, so when she says that she didn't say that for the sympathy, it's very hard to believe. As you can tell, by the end of part three, I have grown absolutely no sympathy for her, and if anything have increased my dislike of her. She did however say that this Interview with Piers would be the only one she does on the subject of her divorce, so we can at least find solace in the fact that we haven't got to keep reading interviews with her, saying how hard life has been for the single parent with millions in the bank and giant boobs. But then who believes anything she says? I sure don't.

Welcome to part 4 and we are shown a few clips of Katie wearing hardly anything and showing off her 'assets'. To which Piers Morgan calls her a slapper. Now, this nearly made me walk out in the garden and hit myself over the head with a shovel again and again and again until I either died or luckily lost all my memory, because I have just agreed with something that Piers Morgan has said. I didn't however and I stayed to watch this interview.

Katie then goes on to state the obvious by saying 'I have a chest'. May have taken her over 10 years to work that out. She then flashed them at Piers Morgan. To which he said about a minute later 'Is there a chance of a new man in your life', and if you look, at this point his hands have actually moved to his private area, to which I think we all know was to cover an erection. He may be a twat, but he is still a man, and there aren't many straight men that wouldn't get a little excited at them being shoved in your face. So Katie then announces that she is now on the market, and thus this interview is finally ended.

My opinion is that they did break up for publicity reasons, but then I also believe they got married for publicity reasons, and I also believe they had children for the publicity as well as when they have an argument, it's for publicity. And there you go, my opinion is that their whole relationship was publicity based, and that they only broke up because ITV 2 wouldn't renew their contract for another series.

Anyway, to make up for this hour of hell, which was watched by 4.5 million other people, I watched Sean Lock Live on channel four, so it was evened out lovely.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Anyone Else Got Some Dirty Laundry To Wash Publicly In The Streets?

I know I'm not the first person to realise this and say this, and I very much doubt I will be the last person, but celebrities seem to only have arguments in the gossip magazines, and like I've said before, the news on the telly is very good on reporting this arguments, with the latest example being Katie (Jordan) Price and Peter (Insania) Andre.

Regular readers of my blogs (Hello Chris), will be aware that I'm not exactly a fan of this whole 'celebrity' culture that we seem to be going through, and Jade Goody is the image of everything I hate about the gossip magazines, and the tabloid papers - oh and the broadsheets, the news on the telly, Internet and Radio, and people who talk/read about it, even though that does include a vast majority of my friends - but not everyone is perfect. Every magazine is full of celebrities saying how they lost weight by not eating lots of chocolate, describing all the sordid details of a celebrity breakup or exclusives on things I don't care about, like peoples weddings... Or funerals for that matter.

Another thing that I don't particularly care for in these kinds of magazines is the 'real-life' stories. The women who found out she had married a sloth, after thinking her husband of 4 years was just really hairy and lazy, or maybe the man who gets an erection when eating a ham sandwich, or maybe the women who opened the boot of her car and found her boyfriend and best friend playing chess together, or maybe the women who has amnesia and thought she had killed her husband, but later found out it was her dead dog she buried, or possibly the women who found out her goldfish could pleasure her after a 'slippery' accident. It's all just rubbish, and how people can find pleasure in them I will never know. The only way in which I get pleasure in them is the satisfactory wipe on my bottom after a visit to the loo.

Today my friend brought a copy of 'Okay' magazine, and there was at least 20 pages covering the history of Jordan and Peter's relationship. 20 PAGES! The first few pages were smothered in pictures with Jordan wearing a low-cut top believe it or not, and every page she seemed to change her opinion. One page she was so upset about Peter leaving, the next she saying that Peter was inappropriate for her, the next she was distraught, then the next page may as well been covered in the words such as 'C**t', 'Prick' and 'T**t'. There were numerous images of them together in the jungle, with him caressing her breast, then images of their wedding, then them renewing their vows and so. They even resulted in editing some images, with one of them being a tortoise and a heir with their heads on, and another with Jordan, but with the head of Danger Mouse. I never actually read it, and maybe if I did, I would know the point, but I'm one of these people who think that ignorance is bliss when it comes to the word ‘celebrity’.

Also, in the same magazine, Jordan is a columnist - as an agony aunt, in which each letter begins with 'Dear Jordan'. These agony aunt columns are a feature of all magazines. A majority of the problems are all from the plain ignorant, asking about underage sex, or whether size matters, or maybe people confessing they're having an affair with two men, and are just gloating about it. The person, usually a female, will give a sympathetic answer, dropping in one of their past experiences, and I guess with Jordan having a lot of past experiences in these matters, she is perfect. These I have to admit are entertaining to read, but then so is junk mail telling you about some gobbledegook you don't care about, and end up laughing about as you put it in the recycling box.

Another regular feature in pretty much all magazines is a trees worth of images of 'affordable' clothes and fashion tips, from a woman whose best friend is Photoshop. That buying this mascara will make you look pretty, although the image contains fake eye-lashes. Maybe this top from Next will be the perfect way to look exactly like your idol. It's full of crap, which I think makes a lot of women feel bad about themselves. There are articles though which also make men like myself, feel pretty darn bad about themselves, besides the fact I hate these magazines.
A regular thing which can be found in one these glossy gossip magazines is something called 'Torso of the Week', in which women turn to and they feel there insides warm up at the sight of someone, not much older than me, with a body 'you'd just die for'. Now, the only way I could be 'Torso of the Week' is if I join Weight Watchers and they do a 'Torso of the Week' to boost moral within the group. I am not what teenagers call 'fit', and I never have been called it, and I doubt I ever will really, but that doesn't bother me. I find that exhibiting torsos on weekly bases to be degrading to men frankly, and also puts a lot of pressure onto men to look good.

Aside from these magazines helping me reach the depths of self pity every time my friends read them, these magazines are just complete and utter rubbish. I have never found how people find them entertaining, but then I have never fully understood the word 'celebrity'. All Jade Goody is famous for, is being selected by the people who choose the contestants of Big Brother because she would be a good catalyst for arguments and drama within the house. That's all. All that Katie Price is famous for is having breast implants then showing off the results at every opportunity. I would think these kinds of magazines were the work of the devil if I was a religious person.

The names are another thing that annoy me. They are just simple words such as; Okay, Heat, Hello, Starz and so on. I had the idea of naming one 'Laundrette' because that's where people go publicly wash the dirty little secrets, like a laundrette, but my friend pointed out it has too many syllables, which is right. But please, someone, tell me the point. I really do not get the point on wasting that amount of money. Why don't you save up the money you would spend for a few weeks, then buy yourself a nice book, or maybe just go and do something creative, just stop funding people like Piers Morgan. They don't deserve it, the same way no-one deserves to have their brains stuffed full of completely useless facts, which are only useful for conversations by the water cooler. No-one is forcing you to have a conversation every time you go and get some cool water.

Anyway, I must stop now otherwise I will get too angry...
So Toodles M'dearys
xXXx