The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

Since When Do Living Statue's Sneeze?

I forgot to mention this in my previous blog and it was quite a funny thing to see, so it really needs to be said - today in Canterbury I saw a living statue. That's nothing unusual really; you see them where ever you go really, except most of them don't have Swine Flu...

I walked past a bloke, painted in silver and standing on a box, incredibly still and he did look really good. I'm not one for giving money to beggars; in fact I am against it. Why don't they just go and get a job like normal folk? Anyway, that's not really that important at the moment. As he was really good though, and I had some lose change in my pocket, I thought that I would go over and give it to him. I didn't in the end, and I shall tell you why...

As I began to walk towards him, he began to have a sneezing fit, and I stopped walking towards him - a rule that I have is to not be near someone I don't know, who is sneezing and could possibly have mental problems. That ruined it for me - since when have statues sneezed - living or cemented. Then, everyone around him stopped to have a look at how this idiot would recover his act, and what did he do?

Yes, he got a tissue out of his pocket, and blew his nose. It was at that point I, and numerous other people I noticed, put their money back in their pockets. He then put his tissue away, apologised to his increasing audience and attempted to shake hands with a little girl - after he has been sneezing.

Swine Flu is only passed person-to-person because of idiots like him who have no idea what the word 'hygiene' means or the words 'Get A Job' it seems. His crowd slowly dispersed, and he carried on as if nothing has happened. So, if you hear about Swine Flu in Canterbury, you can blame the silver statue standing outside Lloyds bank...

Now it's time for me to go to bed so I can awake again tomorrow for another busy day - OH THE JOY.
Toodles m'dearys
xXXx

YOU SWINES... How Could You Give Us The Flu!!

Yup, so we're all going to die again it seems. So far this millennium (so 9 years) we have managed to survive Mad Cow Disease twice, Bird Flu so far, and SARS and this year’s new threat seems to be 'Swine Flu', which isn't caused by swine's as the name leads us to believe, but it's originated from pigs - and Mexicans I suppose.

It's cause? Well nature got bored like usual. Every 80 years or so on, there is a pandemic which kills maybe a few million people, we cry a little and blame God for being such a bastard, and carry on like usual again, until the next flu pandemic. Except now we have better medicines, so chances are, hardly anyone will die as a direct cause of swine's. Why people are panicking so much I don’t know (apart from us keep being told by the media that we’re ALL GOING TO DIE), because drugs are so good these days, we can keep anyone alive, excluding annoying reality TV stars that are famous for having a mouth wider than the M1.

The media are also sure to mention that over a hundred people have died from it in Mexico in the last week, but carefully forgetting thousands of people die every day in places like Africa, and somehow it's more important because it's happening in a richer country. And now (at the time posting), only one person has died outside the Mexican border, and that was in America. Even then, the person had only just escaped from Mexico, so I don't think that should really count. And there were 4, I repeat 4, confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the United Kingdom, which now means death is imitate for us all.

I've mentioned many-a-time how the media likes to throw everything out of proportion, and this is no exception. We're constantly seeing images of people wearing masks, which panics us and words are constantly being thrown at us too. 'Dead', 'Apocalypse', 'Pandemic', 'Outbreak', 'Warning' and many more. It's only natural that we're all shitting ourselves. And now the headlines all say that '40% of Britain's will be hit by the Virus', which are just scaremongering us to duck tape all our doors and windows shut. The stories carefully forget to mention that it's only a prediction and it's all if's and could's and no-one sensible has actually said that it WILL happen.
It's also times like this you realise how easy it is to scare people these days, especially on Twitter. I love sitting comfortably and watching people Tweet things about Swine Flu. I spent a lot of my Monday reading things on there, as I did on Wednesday morning, and I must say, there are a lot of scared people. Obviously, there are a lot of people who are making a joke about it, like most of the people I'm following, but there about a million other users, and a majority are shitting themselves. An example is someone eating a Bacon roll, then sneezing some minutes later, but having time to Tweet it before they collapsed and died, which is a definite sign of Swine Flu...

I must say though, that I am getting bored of this dying lark though, how I've managed to last as long as I have I will never know. But you can't turn on the telly or open a newspaper without being told that you're going to die. You die from having bacteria on your chopping bored, and you'll die every time you use the loo because the amount of bacteria there too. You'll die if you bath, not because of the chances of drowning, but because you're using water. Every time someone coughs in a crowded area, suddenly everyone in a 5 mile radius will die. Then when you finally relax in your bacteria free home, you get told you'll die from sitting in front of the telly, or spending more than 5 minutes a day on Facebook.
Unlike most other diseases and flu's, Swine Flu mainly attacks the young and healthy. Yes, if you're a teenager or younger adult, who drinks a lot of Yakult, then you're more likely to get Swine Flu that a smoking, drinking Grandad of 89, who was a prisoner of war and worked in the mines for a majority of their life.
So, if this is my last blog, then you know why... I came into contact with a sombrero that someone, who walked past a pig farm whilst wearing the sombrero in Mexico, brought home many years ago from their holiday.

So Toodles M’deary
xXXx

P.S. Remember to cover your mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze and wash your hands as frequent as physically possible. In fact, why not just pour acid over yourself?

And here is a song which I think is quite appropriate for the situation. It's Devine Comedy - Die A Virgin...