100 - Love: From The Umpires Chair

I now have another year’s membership to the 'Singles Club'. Advantages that I now receive for being a member of this club for over two years include: An increased level of cynicism, an increased level of jealously, an increased level of hatred and increased level of loneliness, and also a decreased level of happiness and a decreased level of confidence. Upon joining the 'Singles Club', you will receive a temporary amount of sympathy from friends and the honour of changing your Facebook status to Single; we think of this a 'Badge of depression', which is visible for everyone to see. After a few months of membership to the club, you are allowed to post depressing statuses on Facebook and Twitter, but this privilege will be taken away after a year of membership to avoid people thinking you're being dramatic. When you have been a member of the 'Singles Club' for 5 or more years, you receive a cat.

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever been in love? A majority of people will answer 'Yes', with the more level-headed, single people like me answering either 'No' or 'Not entirely sure'. My personal answer is 'I think not'. Sure, I have said that four letter word beginning with L in a relationship, but looking back with the advantage of hindsight, I would say no. Otherwise, if that was love, it sure is very disappointing.

I am unsure as to what love actually, really, honestly, feels like. I know the meaning of the word Love is: "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person", but otherwise, I'm ignorant to it. This makes me very intrigued and cynical towards people of a similar age to me who say they are in love. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy for them (if not ever so slightly jealous), but how can they be sure? Out of my 150 'friends' on Facebook, an increasing amount of them are either now engaged or pregnant, with the one they love. Then the ones that fit into neither of these categories, but still claim to be in love, just broadcast it over Facebook through a number of status updates and display pictures of them kissing their loved one.

Nothing makes me feel like an old, moaning, lonely man than during the time I spend writing blogs of a similar topic to this; and I apologise to anyone who may become offended by reading this; however, what makes you so sure you have found your one true love? The one your heart desires? Your one and only soul mate? The one who completes you? The one who gives your life meaning? The one that caught your heart? The one you wish to spend the rest of your life with? And to anyone who answers 'You just know', I will brand you a liar. There has to be some kind of thought process. You don't just walk past a jeweller and say 'That'll be a good idea'. Please, someone tell me what it is!

Being the un-liberal conservative I am (no, I'm not referring to the coalition), I think people are committing their life too early; especially after watching BBC3 documentaries about teenage pregnancies. Now, I am aware that they pick the stupidest, most ignorant and extreme people for that show, but it is perfect evidence of being too young. Shows like that should scare you into not committing your life too early. It will not always work. If it does work - great, brilliant, fantastic! If it doesn't, you become a single parent and/or a divorcée before you're even an adult. My incredibly cynical mind cannot fathom how someone can be so sure at the same age as me, that won't happen with the one they love.

A paper demonstration of a broken heart

What gets me though, is why my Facebook page is left with the 'Badge of Depression', everyone else is changing their status to engaged and adding pictures of their latest baby scan. To use a metaphor I used last year in my love blog; I'm left stuck in a dark, shaded corner, watching everyone else being happy and making decisions which will influence the rest of their life. Or to use a new metaphor (which explains my blog title); I'm stuck up here in the umpires chair, watching everyone below play out their relationships, which may only last a few hits, or will continue for ages and suffer an infinite number of hits, while I silently judge them all. Surely, it isn't too much to ask for, for just one woman out there to find me attractive and a good catch.

As the 'mother' of The Supremes once said: "You can't hurry love, No, you'll just have to wait... Love don't come easy, It's a game of give and take'. It makes me wonder then, why even after Phil Collins repeated these gems of advice, why people still want rush into love, and why they are so confused about it not being easy. Too often I have seen people split up over stupid, petty things which are so insignificant, they can't even remember why they split up with the person, other than the fact they 'hate' them.

My belief is that TV and Movies have 'tainted' what people perceive to be love. Love certainly is not like how they show it; from my experiences anyway. It isn't all 'Will they? Won't They? Before they finally live happily ever after'. Also, love isn't all happiness and roses and romantic songs in Irish pubs like the movies suggest. It just is not a fair representation, and it has made people convinced that they can have a happy ending. The 'fairytale' element to love has been increased through movies and television in recent years thanks to people like Gerard Butler and Zac Braff.

Even these two fingers are happier than me...

That is the other thing that really gets me: Recently in a lot of American TV shows and movies, there are guys who have a similar hairstyle to me. Now, they seem to be always getting off with women and have ability to woe any female that they want. Just once, I would love for my hair to possess that kind of power. Even when I spray myself with Lynx deodorant, I don't seem to become a magnet for half clothed women; like the adverts suggest. It is all just lies!

I have been reading up about some of the best (well, worst) marriage proposals, and I have encountered many bad ones. The best (well, worst) one that I found was a man who left an engagement ring in a pile of dog poo. A couple’s dog had left a mess in the garden, so before he asked her to clean it up, he placed the ring on top of it. He then stood behind her as she went to clean it and proposed. That now means that every other proposal of marriage can be considered as romantic in comparison.

I have two ideas of ways in which I could propose to a woman. Don't sit there and snigger at the possibility of me finding someone who is willing to put up with me - it is possible, I'm sure! The first idea is simple; you create a Facebook event for your wedding, and only invite them. If it works, you can invite more people to the event. If it doesn't work, you either just simply delete all evidence of it or postpone the date and ask them a few months later.

The second idea would be to kidnap them as they left work and bundle them into the boot of a car. You drive around for a few hours with them kicking and screaming, until you arrive at a beautiful destination, in the middle of nowhere with the sunset gleaming across the beautiful scenery. You then open the boot and they will be incredibly relieved to see you. You then lay out a romantic picnic with champagne and pop the question. However, the key is to not actually tell them it was you that kidnapped them until many years later when you're married and it's too late. Maybe on your death bed.

Example of a beautiful sunset scenery. My own, personal photograph. Was going to use for background, but HTML sucks...

If you wish to date me, you have to be willing to settle for all my faults:

• I am cynical.
• I moan rather a lot.
• I am slightly over-weight and not much to look at.
• I can sulk, for days.
• I have low self belief
• Chances are, one of your friends will really irritate me.
• I have very little previous experience with love, and will have to be taught.

And all my merits:

• I have hair.
• I can, on occasion, be funny.
• I can be nice and rather lovely when in a good mood.
• I have a car.

If you can settle for these, please do not hesitate to contact me.

P.S. Notice I have now redesigned my blog page. PLEASE, tell me what you think of it?

A Virgin Choosing Between A Vampire Or A Werewolf

The latest instalment of the 'Twilight' saga was released recently, which is called 'Eclipse'. It always comes hand-in-hand with depressed teenagers being a little bit excited and sales of Muse songs increasing. Now obviously, I went to the cinema and of course I did not watch it at home on a pirate copy which I borrow off a friend. I wouldn't steal a car, so of course I would not watch a pirate movie. I had a few problems with the people in front keep standing up and 'eclipsing' my view of the film, and for some reason my eyes had regular trouble trying to focus on the screen; kept going blurry. Despite these annoying things happening at the 'cinema', I managed to watch the film.

Corr, Look at those depressed faces! Just cheer up will you!

People who have seen this one or previous movies will be aware that they are not the type of films that make you walk out the cinema with a big smile. These are the sort of movies that make you want to wear black clothes and never want to smile again. This one was no exception. Eclipse certainly is better in that I would consider it more 'fun' than previous ones. I use the word 'fun' very, very, very lightly though. In comparison to Toy Story 3, it really is not, but in comparison to New Moon, it was.

The movie is more 'fun' because there is just much more action and the story line isn't so much about Bella's self indulgence during her period of even worse depression. This has rather dramatic fight scenes, and the story isn't as one dimensional as the others. It just felt more thought-out and clever in my opinion. It had background information about different characters, which I feel helped a lot. Like the previous two films, it still follows the same formula for the development of the movie. A big, long build up of about an hour, then the eventual climax of the story before a nice, happy resolution before the next film starts; and repeat.

There is a fight scene between the Vampires, Werewolves and 'New Borns'. For people who don't care much for all this depressive, vampire stuff; 'New Borns' are what they call people who have just been turned to Vampires. The stage known as New Borns is when they are at their strongest and blah, blah, blah.

There is happiness though! The Vampires and Werewolves join forces and work as one to fight against these New Borns. How very happy and adorable! They put their differences aside and forget their previous feuds. However, even the fact they worked as one to defeat these New Borns doesn’t cheer them up.

Instead of the lead female character, Bella, spending the whole movie looking depressed in her bedroom, she actually went out. All these movies have her doing a regular monologue throughout, of how she feels and thinks. They are SO depressing. Just her tone of voice brings your mood right down, before you even listen to whatever it is she is moaning about. I spend half the movies just wanting to tell her to just 'Cheer the f*** up!' This one was even worse. The monologues seemed more regular and even less happy. I don't think there is any acting at all; I swear all the actors just spend the whole time sulking.

Then there is the kissing. As if I haven't been depressed enough by the movie for the fact everyone goes about with long, pale faces with monotone voices which are full of depression, I have to see people kissing every 10 minutes. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. For people who get a lot of affection, they are bloody miserable. I'd be running about in a giggly joy if I got kissed even half as much they do. Bella kisses Edward, then kisses Jacob, then kisses Edward again. I'm waiting for Edward and Jacob to kiss; now that would liven the story up a bit.

...And even more kissing.

The music is just as bad though. If I were to go to HMV, buy the Eclipse soundtrack and listen to it in the car home, which is only a 20 minute journey, I am sure I would have attempted to kill myself numerous times. The music is even more depressing than those stupid monologues. Bearing what I just said in mind though, the soundtrack is better than in the last movie; so imagine what impact the New Moon soundtrack would have on someone... You can tell how sad all these teenagers are in the movie though, just by this one line: 'I love this song; come and dance!' In the background, Muse was playing. Now, I also love Muse, but I don't think anyone can ever consider it as dancing music. Maybe if by dancing you mean a group of people standing together, swaying their shoulders from side to side, but otherwise, no. Why don't these kids put real party music on, like Robbie Williams - Rock DJ. Now, that I would love to see in the next Twilight movie.

As an overall conclusion of the movie, I did kind of enjoy it. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have let this phenomenon just pass me by, but since I got forced to watch the movie, I have got into them somewhat. However, for someone who isn't overly bothered, it was kind of boring, which is why I am glad I went to the cinema to watch it because if I had stayed at home, I would have started playing games on my phone halfway through the movie while making occasional notes about the film in my notepad...

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 5-1)

Now we find ourselves at my final 5 reasons as to why life in Britain is so depressing. To recap, we had Simpson Repeats, Dependency of Technology, Complaining, Entertainment and the young people’s version of 'love'. Yes, these are not very typically depressing subjects and they do not have a big effect in Britain's level of depression. That is why they were lower down the list. These next and final five are bad. They will have you sitting at your computer screen making your blood boil at the realisation that these things are terrible and happen far too often in our culture; or at the very list, make me more of a cynic. Either way...

5. Get Off Facebook
The whole world seems to spend far too much time on Facebook, especially on Facebook. Everything has to be Facebooked. You have to share your current activity or thought with your friends. You have to create group so you can share your values and ideals with other people worldwide. Share pictures from the night before, and then moan when everyone sees them. Even relationships only become properly official when Facebook says so. People live in houses which have gardens covered in weeds because they spend too much time on Farmville growing Strawberries and the real dog goes unfed because the virtual one needs feeding. It seems that Facebook has ruined and taken over our lives. I am guilty of this too, but I'm not happy about it.
Living a country in which no-one goes outside and spends their life talking to 'friends' on Facebook can have its advantages with it meaning that all the people no-one likes have something to do. My Facebook gets rarely updated and I spend very little time on it now these days, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I feel sorry for all the people of our country that are addicted to Facebook for getting no sunlight. However, I envy the homeless guy in the underpass that has not got a Facebook page, he has not got to worry about the mundane things like us more fortunate people have to, like what to update our status to. Anyway, please British Facebooker’s go out and get a drink with some real friends and help stop the recession instead of paying AOL £15 a month to sit on Facebook.

4. Our Life Being Controlled By Machines
Self Checkout Machines. These were sold to us an easier and quicker way for paying for our shopping. What a lie that turned out to be. You scan your shopping yourself. Sounds simple enough. You have numerous attempts at scanning a pint of milk before it finally realises you are trying to scan something. You have to make sure you put it in exactly the right place in the bagging area otherwise it'll moan at you. Inevitably something will not work properly, then it starts shouting for assistance like a rape alarm made by Steven Hawking. You find that the amount of staff used to attend all the cries for help by these robots would be the same number needed to run the equivalent number of proper checkouts. Then you have to pay. If you pay by card, they're nice to you. Should you pay with cash/coins, then you are in big trouble. The machines will never accept it on your first or second attempt. You'll be lucky if it accepts the money on the third, but more likely on the fourth go. You then have to stand there for a minute while the machine seems to count the change out. QUICKER? You're having a joke are you not?
Then you have those parking machines. Rarely a simple thing, and yet another machine which tries to ruin my life and makes my blood boil. I've been driving not even two months and numerous times I have just stood and shouted at the machine. First it won't accept the coins. Then it swallows the coins and you lose them. Then it spits them out at you just as you start putting more money in. All this for a couple of hours parking. I won't even get started at the price. We moan about unemployment, so why could we not employ people. Sure, they'll probably just get moody and we would still moan, but at least it would be more efficient - however, probably more expensive as the case is. I think the next Government should start the abolishment of machines and go back to using people. Hint Hint...

3. Grasp Of The English Language
A well-known pet hate of mine is people using text speak and slang. I don't understand why it is used. It takes me longer to work out what half the abbreviations mean than it would take to type the actual words. Slang, I can live with, as that is just our language evolving to become a more bastardised form. Text speak is just pointless. Since when has 'yoo' been easier than typing 'you'? Is there much effort to move your finger a few centimetres left? 'KK' is shorter of 'OK'. Again, since when has it been so hard to move your finger a centimetre higher? Then the worst of the lot - 'Iz'. Why are people trying to shorten short words? It just makes no sense. Text speak is purely just the language of the stupid and lazy.
Then you have words that have changed meaning over time. 'Epic' is a new favourite commonly used. A word that once meant heroic or impressively great now seems to be 'epically' overused to mean absolutely anything. You can have an 'epic fail', maybe an 'epic win' or just possibly an 'epic haircut'. The word 'Epic' has now been bastardised. Like I said in the previous blog, Love also has changed meanings with it now meaning to just be infatuated with another person mostly. Then you have new words. The new word which bugs me the most is 'lol'. I have got used to it being used on the Internet, and that no longer bugs me. What bugs me is people saying 'lol' in real every day-to-day life. I miss the days when people used to laugh. Anywho, maybe you lot should start writing and talking properly.

2. 'Celebrities'
It no secret. I hate 'Celebrities'. I hate Katie Price. I hated Jade Goody (and still technically do). I hate Piers Morgan. I hate Miley Cyrus. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Lindsey Lohan. I hate Gerard Butler. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Jack Tweed. I hate Zac Efron. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate John Terry. I hate Cheryl Cole. I hate Alex Reid. I hate Chris Brown. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate 'Jedward'. I hate Russel Brand. I hate Fearne Cotton. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. I hate Susan Boyle. I hate Heather Mills. I hate Kanye West. I hate Geri Halliwell. I hate Peaches Geldoff. I hate Vanessa Hugdens. I hate Myleene Klass. I hate David Van Day. I hate Esther Rantzen. I hate Vernon Kay. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Alexandra Burke. I hate Amy Winehouse. I hate Judy Finnigan. I hate both Liam and Noel Gallagher. I hate Kate Moss. I hate Jack Osbourne.
I hate a lot of celebrities. Infact, it probably would have been easier to just say I hate all celebrities and save the hassle of writing that long list. Anywho, shall I tell you whose fault it is we have to hear about them all the day? Yours! You keep buying these gossip magazines that fuel celebrity culture and all the people mentioned in the above list. These people that buy the magazines are also the ones that moan about constantly hearing about Katie Price's new marriage. Well, if you don't care, don't buy the magazine that pays her to tell you about it. It's like people moaning about Child Labour in poor countries - while wearing their brand new shoes, made in a poor country by a child. Members of the public (well, not you all, but a majority of you), could you please stop buying these magazines!

Which leads me on nicely to Number One...

1. The Media
Have you watched ITV News since they renovated themselves a few months ago? It is essentially The Sun being read out with moving pictures. The young journalists always seem to be too excited when they have been sent out with a Microphone and a Camera. Using younger presenters, instead of the experienced ones, appeals to the younger audience, ideally, people of a similar age to me. It was all part of a plan to get young people interested in the news. If anything, it has put me off the news. I don't watch Sky News for the same reason. I now only watch BBC news. Is it because they are the best? No, it is because I want the news told to me by experienced journalists, not young ones who have more spots than I do. This depresses me that they have to have a target audience. It is the news. Just read the news out properly, and people who are interested will find it and watch it.
The newspapers as always are keen to jump on any tiny, insignificant story and blow it way out of proportion or just completely change the story to make it more glamorised. An example of this in a local paper recently was it telling its readers that 'An old man was involved in a vehicle accident with a lorry and was seriously injured'. The real story was actually 'An old woman lost control of her car after getting a puncture, but only received minor injuries'. Stories like these can be found in every newspaper across the country. The famous story which was blown completely out of proportion by the newspapers is the Ross/Brand fiasco. Not many people complained initially. Then, the papers took it out of proportion and context, and then thousands of people complained, despite only reading about. The same could be said for Tiger Woods affairs towards the end of last year. The newspapers were not content on just saying that he had an affair, but they had to find the woman and interview her. Then, report on every other affair that was revealed. Why should we care about a man’s private life? Because the media tell us we should.
Another pet hate of mine in the media, which has the main objective of shaming and depressing Britain as a nation, is coming up with percentages and averages which compare us to other countries in negative things such as teenage pregnancy, unemployment or gang violence. It seems to be reported on a weekly bases that Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates. I see no reason for them to need to do this. You cannot stop teenagers having sex, so why keep telling us we have the horniest teenagers in the world. I never see the point in comparing us to other countries. If anything, you're just convincing more people to migrate to other countries.
The media always seems intent on comparing celebrities as well. Complaining when they look slightly fat: 'Is that very tiny bulge over her bikini bottoms? It is! Zoom in as far as you can, put it in Photoshop and add some stretch marks, and then put it in this week’s Hello magazine.' I do not quite see how pointing out everyone's small and highly unimportant flaws to the world is classed as entertainment. However, when the same celebrity is seen a few weeks later with a slightly smaller bulge over her bikini bottoms, the media might as well start shouting the accusations of a diet or plastic surgery from a very tall building in London with a megaphone, without any evidence of course. The hypercritical journalists found in the media are very annoying and after a while of reading these stories, just gets tiring and boring.
I have chosen the media as my preferred sector to have a career in. Why, I am not quite sure, seeing as it annoys me the most. I'm not going into the business to try and change it, because that will never happen. The fact that I have chosen a profession which annoys me, just proves that I love to moan, and also highly depresses me; thus why it is found at the number one spot.

There you have it, the top ten reasons why life on this Island which people call 'Britain' is depressing. There will be people who disagree with my ratings, and there will be those who will completely agree and congratulate me in summarising British life into two blogs. However, a majority of those people will never read this blog, but people who do read this. Please give me your thoughts.

I have decided that in years time, when I have spent far too long living in Britain and I have begun to lose my marbles as a result of Britain angering me so much, I'm going to get a welcome bath mat, just to keep me guessing.

Seeing as people seem to fail to find the first half; here are Reasons 10 - 5.

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 10-6)

I have lived in Britain for nearly 18 years, infact since the day I was born, and I've always been quite negative of the country. That is not to say that there is nothing positive to say about Britain, because there is. I am lucky enough to live in one of the richest countries in the world which is also a democracy (however, both of those could be easily argued against). The country has a great education system, a health system which entitles everyone to free treatment (to an extent) and has a rich and vibrant history which includes playing numerous key roles in world changing events, like 9/11.
If you are lucky enough to be able to get out of the polluted cities, you are welcomed by the smell of horse manure in the country, and despite its smell, is a beautiful and colourful place with plastic bags and burnt Ford Fiesta's. Yes, Britain has lots of positive, but it has far too many negatives which out-weigh these dwindling positives. Of course, I would love to throw away my education to spend all my time naming and describing every negative about Britain, but instead I have created the top 10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing.

10. Channel 4 Showing The Simpsons
We all remember the time many years ago when BBC 2 stopped showing The Simpson's and Fresh Prince Of Bell-Air. It was horrendous. Was a terrible moment for any Simpson fan that was not lucky enough to have Sky. Millions of people had nothing to do in that 45 minute slot. Then Channel 4 came and saved us all. A compromise was that we had to put up with, was adverts, but we soon adjusted and loved the fact that The Simpsons were now back on our televisions at 6pm. However, I think it is time we rebelled. I cannot be the only one who is sick of seeing the same Simpson episode every month. Sure, they're good, but a bit of variety would be lovely. Why can't they show The Simpsons like they show Friends and Scrubs: Start from the very beginning and work their way through every series. It would be fantastic. It has been years since I have seen some of the episodes, and anything from series 14 onwards I've not seen. This is one reason why life in Britain is depressing - so much repetitiveness of popular things. Sort it out please Channel 4 - I beg you!

9. Our Country And Technology
You are probably more than aware that recently the whole world went into shutdown as flights got cancelled by a natural phenomenon. The news spent 6 days constantly reporting about how Britain was facing big problems because of this, like Chris Moyles being stranded in New York. However, Britain is bad for living without technology. A small power cut can close all the shops in the high street because people can't pay by card. We moan when we have a slow Internet connection and have to update our Facebook status to tell everyone; well once the page loads anyway. People have also become so addicted to their phones that should they leave their phone at home, the entire's day conversation is devoted to mentioning it. 10 years ago not many people had Mobile Phones and had to use those ancient and now rare red boxes. You have to admit, slightly pathetic that people in Britain cannot survive like their ancestors did, just for an hour.
Our country also seems to be very reluctant to repair anything. Over a week ago my camera lens broke and I thought it quite a basic thing to get repaired. No, I'd have to spend at least £60 to send it to China to be repaired and then pay for parts. It would also take at least 6 weeks. CHINA! We complain about unemployment levels and I have to send my camera to CHINA to get repaired. It eventually works out cheaper to just buy a new one. However, then we complain that we throw away too much plastic and other un-biodegradable products. If we fixed things, it wouldn't happen. Then of course, you cannot fix anything yourself because that then cancels the warranty, so instead you have to pay a fat block in a jumpsuit £70 an hour to look at the broken nut in the Washing Machine, before he tut's and announces he cannot replace the nut.
What is with our country, technology and fixing nothing. It is a poor state of affairs that separates our generations. If anything goes wrong, my Grandad will take the product into his garage and tinker with everything until he finally sorts the problem. Usually, he'll cause other problems in the process, but he tries to repair things and gets his hands dirty. His mind knows how to fix things. You take a twenty-something now and give them the task of repairing a dishwasher, they'll just go to Comet and buy another one. I have gotten into the great habit of taking things apart myself and repairing them before consulting a professional. People will never learn, so Britain - please at least try and make an effort to replace a broken bolt before spending £300 on a new Washing Machine.

8. Complaining About EVERYTHING
No-one is perfect, and this is something that we as human beings have evolved to accept and work around. However, us Brits have developed a reputation for always complaining, drinking tea constantly and wearing suits and bowler hats. Well, I'm British, don't like tea, not worn many suits and only warn bowler hats as a joke. However, as this blog reiterates, I like to complain. You usually cannot go more than a day or so without being behind a woman in a shop complaining that the cheap shoes she brought were not very good. Then everyone complains about the Government. Everything in our society is their faults if idiots are to be believed - and they should not be believed. You can't blame Gordon Brown for the potholes. He is not responsible for the weather which caused it or the bad workmanship. Sure, he's far from perfect, but still.
Everything costs too much, no-one can get a job, a natural phenomenon meaning people cannot travel for a few days, people work too many hours, the police do their job too well, the police do not do their job well enough, there is nothing good on telly and life just being generally unfair are some of the complaints I have heard this week. To be honest, get over it. That is life, and complaining will not do any good. Neither will writing a scarcely read blog, but that is my own problem. I just think we complain far too much and do not realise how lucky we are. You have to admit, they are pretty mundane things. When someone starts complaining they're living on the street, with no food or money then I will let them. Otherwise, would all be kind enough to tone down the complaints?

7. British Entertainment
We live in a country where BBC 3 rules if you're under 27; a channel where awful and utterly unhilarious comedy is shown (with the occasional exception). Coming Of Age - How awful! It is a show with unimaginative characters which all conform to a stereotype of 'typical' teenage life with awful storylines. Do not get me started on their bad innuendo's and sex jokes either. I like to think myself pretty good at those sorts of jokes and also think I could write much better and funnier jokes (and have). Snog, Marry, Avoid is also an awful show in which they get some slapper to stand infront of the camera and look disgusting before they are tidied up to look respectable and cleared their face of plaster. Essentially, it is what you would get if you crossed Gok Wan and Frankie Boyle together or something like that. Then of course you have ITV 2, ITV's answer to BBC 3 where they try to appeal to the younger adults/teenagers by showcasing their stupid and pathetic humour. Keith Lemon? Well I've seen dog poo funnier than him. Then well, the less said about ITV 2 showing Katie Price’s life on TV, the better I think.
Over The Rainbow is quite an awful show too. Obviously trying to compete against Simon Cowell, Andrew Lloyd-Webber has developed a knack for shouting at the girls and putting them down at every opportunity. Also, what is with the man and hugging their shoes when they get evicted as well? Someone go to Oxfam and buy him some second hand shoes - this man clearly has a fetish. I do not quite get how getting a group of girls to sing Robbie Williams songs will help in casting the perfect person for the part of Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz.
Films and everything else now, have to be in 3D. To be honest, I spend my entire life in the three dimensional world, what if I enjoy escaping to a 2D world where Dragons do not coming flying past me? Also, what if I do not want to put glasses on every time I want to watch a film? Everything is classed as 'the best film released so far this year'. By that logic, you would expect a film being released in December to be better than one released in January, but really, they're just as crap as the next. I am not a film fan, due to having a short attention span. I get bored. I want to play with my phone or talk half way through. However, it is hard to go to the cinema to watch a British film, because they are not very common. The American's rule the roost and every British film is classed as an independent movie and it just makes it sound crap before you even read the title of the movie.
Then music. That too is pretty awful. Thanks to shows like Pop Idol and X-Factor, and the social networking site MySpace, we now live in a world where anyone can record music. As long as you have access to some form of recording equipment, you can record your music and put it on the Internet in the vain hope that some big music producer stumbles upon it. Due to this, the radio is now full of new music which is exactly the same and badly produced. There is even a song with electronic whistling. What the heck is with that, could they not find anyone with the ability to whistle in the entire building? Then you have the latest trend of new artists covering old songs, and ruining them. Let's take Don't Stop Believin' by Journey as an example. A song very unpopular when originally released, but thanks to Glee and Joe McElderry it became a modern popular hit. However, the song has been ruined. Glee is an American TV series, in which they try to see how many classic songs they can murder in one hour, whilst scattering the show with a complicated plot. Songs they have killed include Somebody To Love - Queen, Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police, Imagine - John Lennon, Hello - Lionel Richie, Give You Hell - All American Rejects and so many more. This is a show that should come with warning before every episode: "This program is not suitable for people who like music". I get on my knees and beg Britain, please stop watching these awful shows, seeing these movies with the same plotline and listening to modern music. If people stop consuming them, people will stop making them and the circle of crap will be stopped.

6. Love

Yet again I am mentioning in a blog that I remain single, and have ever since I started this blog. I have witnessed many people fall in and out, and then back into love before you have even had the chance to say 'There are plenty more fish in the sea'. Infact, it seems to be all I do; watch people fall in and out of love. It gets annoying. I get fed up of girls saying 'Men are such pricks' or something along those lines. One might point out, no they are not, and it’s just the ones you choose. Going back to my earlier point of us living in a disposable world, love in Britain seems to be one of them. If it's too hard to fix, then give up, throw it away and start again. Love is not really love. Love has become to mean infatuated, and now love is no longer a strong enough word to explain the strong emotions that are associated with marriage and growing old together.

Then there is an obsession to always be in a relationship amongst the younger adults. I don't like to fit into this mould (or is the excuse I use) of switching from relationship to relationship. Relationships in this country seem to be a fashion accessory, and if you don't have one then you do not fit in. I unfortunately have been forced into the cynical opinion and no longer seem to have the ability to 'like' people in that way, and this was all started because of this modern culture we find ourselves in, in Britain. If you have marriage problems, the answer now seems to be to have an affair then go on Jeremy Kyle. So please people of Britain, stop having a new relationship every other day and also, would you mind not rubbing it in my face that you're in love and I'm not - I'm getting slightly jealous of you all and my depression is slowly increasing as a result.

And so you have it, the first five reasons why life in Britain is so depressing. It mainly escalates from my own personal opinions of everything and personal experiences. I looked forward to my daily dose of Simpson's but now I feel like I'm suffering from Déjà vu every time I put on Channel Four at 6PM. I weep when I look at my old camera and think of all the memories we had together and remember that we live in country which no longer fixes anything. I get angry every time I complain about being angry, and thus a paradox has been created, which all started because Jade Goody and Katie Price annoying me a few years ago. I feel sorrow when I put the TV on to get distracted from my depressing day in Britain and try to escape for a few hours of entertainment, to find such a thing no longer exists on our island. The less said about how I feel about love the better I think. Let's just say - I'm getting none of it and it has become tiring and depressing.

Hopefully the second part of this blog, containing the top 5 reasons why life in Britain can be depressing, will be posted towards the end of the week.

Another Bloody Blog About Love... When Will He Give Up?

I can be considered to be more an observer of love, than a participant as over the past year I have watched many relationships fail and succeed while I just sit in an unlit corner watching and concluding my own opinions of relationships. Yes, I'm only seventeen, so I'm not exactly expected to be thinking about settling down with the one my heart desires and be planning how many children we'll have, what pets we'll get and the colour scheme for our first house, however I do feel a great expectation to not be single and start having a long term relationship. But with who?

Well, that is the question, but suggestions are welcomed. I've now been single for a year (roughly... Not that I've been counting...), and the single life is starting to get rather depressing. I recon I am becoming slightly bipolar. One day I'll be happy, cheery Stuy, making more euphemisms than you can shake your... Well you get the idea. The next day I'll be quiet and just generally depressed, usually when around friends who are in a relationship, or other friends who are also depressed about being single. But we are only in our late teens, we should be out enjoying ourselves, not being depressed because we've gone yet another day without a kiss and a hug from our one true love. Like I have said, there is an expectation for everyone to be in love. But what is the meaning love?

Well Dictionary.com describes it as "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person" which I think is a lovely way of describing it. I'm not exactly an expert in love, having only had three relationships, which I wouldn't exactly describe as successful. But a lot of people of my age confuse love for 'fancying' or 'crushing' someone, or what I like to call - Disposable love. I've written a blog about this before, and it's where the relationship lasts a few weeks, but no real upset is felt when the brake up has happened, and even I know that's not love. Love is supposed to last a lifetime, apparently.

Love can't be forced upon a person either. You can't be told who to love, and who not to love as it's a personal emotion, and those feelings can only be created by yourself, not other people trying to set you up with someone else. That's why I hate the idea of dating websites, who find who they believe to be the best match for you, or blind dates set up by friends who are in relationships and feel sympathy for the sad, lonely and depressed.

Love is rather a funny thing to watch though, and I think everyone is guilty of this at some point in their lives. We pretend not to like a person which you actually do, and spend every waking hour thinking of. You convince other friends that you don't have strong emotions for that person by pretending you think they're ugly. Also convincing ourselves we don't like a person. This can come in the form of avoiding them at all costs or referring to them as a family member, so the idea of even kissing them becomes incest. As I've gotten older, I've thankfully stopped doing this, but it's rather funny to watch.

Then should we admit to ourselves and friends that we have these strong feelings about someone, we refuse to tell the actual person. You could quite easy walk over to the person, tap them on the shoulder and confess your love to them, but as human beings, we seem to find this embarrassing, so we admire from afar. Looking at them out the corner of our eye when they aren't looking is a favourite amongst most, as well as just looking through images of them on Facebook and wishing to ourselves that they were ours. However, I currently don't have feelings for anyone, although I wish I did, so I don't face this problem myself at the moment.

Something that has always troubled me though, is why people come to me for relationship advice, when like I have already said, I'm not exactly a connoisseur of love. I like the idea that people feel they can come to me for help, and trust me to give them good advice, but for relationship advice, I would go to someone else, anyone else really. However, my years of being single have paid off, as I have learnt to tell the signs of people fancying others, which include the ones above. Something which I've never understood though is that if a man acts like a bastard to a woman, they clearly like them apparently. I like to think of myself as a nice person, and being a bastard isn't one of my traits. So what does that mean for me? Well, I have no idea. When I fancy someone, I end up talking to them more, which also isn't a typical sign of attraction. A typical sign of attraction would be going all red if the person even looked in their direction, let along talk to them.

I am fed up of being single now, although I'm not sure how to change that. All the girls I know, I consider to be friends, and dating friends doesn't usually go right if Scrubs, Friends and personal experiences are anything to go by. I'm not really meeting new people either at the moment. Seeing as I don't believe in love at first sight, it seems unlikely that I'm going fall for a girl walking down the high street. People who say they found love at first sight are just liars. You can fancy someone at first sight, but you can't fall in love with someone without actually getting to know them. I'm sure there was at least one attractive Nazi, and besides the outfit you wouldn't know they were a Nazi without getting to know them, and who would want to marry a Nazi? Well, obviously not young Jewish girls. In fact that sounds worthy of Jeremy Kyle. "I Married A Nazi Who Murdered My Parents And Siblings. Now He Wants To Kill Me!" Anyway, the less said about that the better.

However, I feel I should point out at this point that I do love my friends, even though it is a different kind of love. I do know that they will always cheer me up; in between all the depressing moments we seem to have. The way it feels to me though, that it doesn't matter how great my friends are, it's not going to make up for being single. "It's just not having that someone to just make your day that little bit better with a cuddle" is a way one of my friends described it, which I do agree with. Being around friends who are madly in love isn't exactly that helpful either. You can't turn around without seeing them kissing. I think it's great they're in love, and I wouldn't change that, but come on! I know they don't do it on purpose - but talk about rubbing it in.

Unrequited love seems to be a favourite of mine, and it's when you love a person, and they don't feel the same emotions back to you. Unrequited love has been the subject of some heart wrenching poems and love stories throughout the ages, and most of us experience unrequited love at some point in our lives. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you can be a heartbreaking experience, which is something us teenagers seem to do a lot. Then we moan a lot about how no-one loves us and that we will be single for the rest of our lives.

Then for the unattractive, depressed, lonely and sad people like me, every year there is a day for people in relationships to mock the single. I have been single every Valentine’s Day of my life so far, and every year it gets worse. Where ever you go you see people cuddling and kissing after giving each other a cheap and tacky card with 'I Love You Soooo Much' carefully scribed inside. Because of my singleness every year I have grown a hatred to February the 14th, and I find it rather depressing when given a Friend's Valentine’s Card with 'I love you as a friend' scribbled in as an attempt to cheer me up.

Music doesn't exactly help either, with a majority of songs being about people who are in love or people sad after a break up. Music can usually change the way we feel, so by keep listening to songs by Maroon 5, you're guaranteed to feel depressed about your love life. My favourite song for that is Sleepless by Until June, and you can find a link at the end of this blog to the song on YouTube.

Talking about the end of the blog, here it is. So now it's time for me to get back to my depressing life of eating Pot Noodles alone and sleeping in bed with only my duvet to hug and keep me warm in the nights. And back to watching everyone around me being in relationships, where I sit in an unlit corner with a few other people crying as we watch everyone eat the faces off their partners and smile when they have an argument.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igpa75MyTbg