Actually, that's a lie, I don't like the idea of suicide, and within one sentence I've criticised myself, but that's beside the point - Television is really quite depressing these days. The Summer Holidays have come to an end, and I've not done much, apart from watch TV. We don't have Sky in our house (because apparently I watch too much TV already) so we only have Freeview, but it still offers me plenty of things to watch during the day, and during the night. I'm not used to watching TV during the day, or late at night and it's a very odd experience.
This will be my first two-part blog since April, and the first addition will be on night time telly, which seems to go all very odd once the clock strikes Midnight. Some channels just repeat what was shown during the evening like BBC 3, and Dave do. BBC 1 entertains the deaf with sign language, and they must think deaf people don't need to sleep, or that they are nocturnal. BBC 2 just shows 'The Wire' which everyone raves about, but I've never watched and is followed by hour after hour of news. ITV shows a program called Nightwatch, which I've failed to see the point of. One episode will be of red arrows, and the next will be talking to rape victims. Channel 4, as well as E4 (and Channel 4+1 and E4+1) show constant footage throughout the night of the Big Brother Housemates sleeping - However that'll change tonight, seeing as today is the last day this year’s Big Brother.
I heard the best news last week, which is that we only have to cope with one more year of the insufferable Big Brother. I wasn't sure how to celebrate. I can't help but feel it was thanks to me, if only slightly, because of my blog moaning about Big Brother a few weeks ago, and my numerous blogs complaining about Jade Goody. Feel free to thank me. I must say thank-you, to you I suppose, for making Big Brother less popular and making Channel 4 executives realise that it’s shit. Next year will be the eleventh year, and that's far too long for it to have carried on.
Anyway, back to night time telly. Five do a show called 'Quiz Call', when it's not showing American sports for some reason, which seems to be a theme of a lot channels during the early hours of the day. There are channels which are dedicated to them, and they allow people who are even too stupid to understand the rules of ‘Deal or no Deal’ to win small amounts of cash. It offers questions like 'Name something you'd find in a woman's handbag'. One answer was 'Raw plugs' and another was 'A Bandana'. I suppose you never know when you could be asked to sneak into a building site without being seen to put a shelf up on a brick wall.
You can also play Roulette on the Telly, which is something which is shown on numerous channels. All these quizzes are hosted by stupid, blonde girls and boys. I say host, they actually just work as a call operator while being filmed by a TV camera. All they do is ask what the callers answer is and tell them if it's right or wrong. Mind you, it's a step higher in Television land than working on a 'Male Entertainment Channel' as I believe they're called.
Channels like 'BabeSation' and 'Partyland' are part of this category, where a women lays provocatively in front of a camera for a few hours, while they talk to people (I can guarantee you, they're mostly men) on the phone, while thrusting their hips as if their pelvis is somehow having an epileptic fit, while wear tongs and maybe even bra if they're a bit self-conscious. You're probably sitting there thinking that this appeals to me, seeing as I am a single, male teenager, but you know what, you're wrong. I actually find it rather repulsive, especially when they occasionally talk - they're not exactly the most educated of people, but then that's probably made obvious by their job.
The writing at the bottom of the screen always makes me laugh when it says 'Call now, for a chat' which reminds of a Lee Evans joke, and I find myself in hysterics watching what is essentially, a porn channel. In the words of Lee Evans, 'Who's calling her for a chat, why don't they just say it - Call now, FOR A WANK!'
This will be my first two-part blog since April, and the first addition will be on night time telly, which seems to go all very odd once the clock strikes Midnight. Some channels just repeat what was shown during the evening like BBC 3, and Dave do. BBC 1 entertains the deaf with sign language, and they must think deaf people don't need to sleep, or that they are nocturnal. BBC 2 just shows 'The Wire' which everyone raves about, but I've never watched and is followed by hour after hour of news. ITV shows a program called Nightwatch, which I've failed to see the point of. One episode will be of red arrows, and the next will be talking to rape victims. Channel 4, as well as E4 (and Channel 4+1 and E4+1) show constant footage throughout the night of the Big Brother Housemates sleeping - However that'll change tonight, seeing as today is the last day this year’s Big Brother.
I heard the best news last week, which is that we only have to cope with one more year of the insufferable Big Brother. I wasn't sure how to celebrate. I can't help but feel it was thanks to me, if only slightly, because of my blog moaning about Big Brother a few weeks ago, and my numerous blogs complaining about Jade Goody. Feel free to thank me. I must say thank-you, to you I suppose, for making Big Brother less popular and making Channel 4 executives realise that it’s shit. Next year will be the eleventh year, and that's far too long for it to have carried on.
Anyway, back to night time telly. Five do a show called 'Quiz Call', when it's not showing American sports for some reason, which seems to be a theme of a lot channels during the early hours of the day. There are channels which are dedicated to them, and they allow people who are even too stupid to understand the rules of ‘Deal or no Deal’ to win small amounts of cash. It offers questions like 'Name something you'd find in a woman's handbag'. One answer was 'Raw plugs' and another was 'A Bandana'. I suppose you never know when you could be asked to sneak into a building site without being seen to put a shelf up on a brick wall.
You can also play Roulette on the Telly, which is something which is shown on numerous channels. All these quizzes are hosted by stupid, blonde girls and boys. I say host, they actually just work as a call operator while being filmed by a TV camera. All they do is ask what the callers answer is and tell them if it's right or wrong. Mind you, it's a step higher in Television land than working on a 'Male Entertainment Channel' as I believe they're called.
Channels like 'BabeSation' and 'Partyland' are part of this category, where a women lays provocatively in front of a camera for a few hours, while they talk to people (I can guarantee you, they're mostly men) on the phone, while thrusting their hips as if their pelvis is somehow having an epileptic fit, while wear tongs and maybe even bra if they're a bit self-conscious. You're probably sitting there thinking that this appeals to me, seeing as I am a single, male teenager, but you know what, you're wrong. I actually find it rather repulsive, especially when they occasionally talk - they're not exactly the most educated of people, but then that's probably made obvious by their job.
The writing at the bottom of the screen always makes me laugh when it says 'Call now, for a chat' which reminds of a Lee Evans joke, and I find myself in hysterics watching what is essentially, a porn channel. In the words of Lee Evans, 'Who's calling her for a chat, why don't they just say it - Call now, FOR A WANK!'
Adverts during the night are also very odd. They're always trying to sell you a JML product which will in some way improve your life and trick you into thinking 'I do need a vacuum cleaner which I can carry on my back, just like a backpack' and even 'You know, I've always wanted a mop that can steam clean hard floor surfaces’. These are things which we've lived without quiet happily, but for some reason, we now require. If they're not doing that, they're sex related. Whether it's for a sex chat line, or a dating text service, they're odd adverts. Sex chat lines are just like the channels I've just spoken about, but you can't see them, and they're probably a 50-something, overweight women walking around the house cleaning, while pretending to be an 20 year old, slender, busty blonde. The dating text services can manipulate just as easily. Think you're texting a local women, who sounds like the woman of your dreams and is apparently outgoing, yet no-one actually knows of her? It's probably a computer.Maybe I'm too cynical, and it is all real and people have found true love with real people, but then at least if I'm cynical, I am less likely to want to try and I can save myself £1.50 every time I text the comput - I mean an attractive female.
Something I watched for the first time a few weeks ago is the Kerry Katona documentary about her 'normal' life on TMF. I say I watched it, I don't think being mesmerised and intrigued by it for five minutes before changing the channel and being ashamed with myself, is really watching it. I seemed to be more ashamed of myself for watching a few moments of Kerry Katona than I was after watching a few minutes of Babestation, but then I'm weird like that. The bit I saw was Kerry moaning about something in which was printed in the newspaper about her and laying on the bed, paying no attention to her child or her husband and talking to the camera. I've been assured that is the basis of every episode apart from the occasional time where she goes to a physiatrist for some reason I couldn't care less about. At least I now know I've not been missing anything of any slight interest.
I've come to the conclusion, that if I want to watch something which is slightly more interesting that what is on the television after Midnight, I could just switch my Lava Lamp on, and watch it for hour upon hour, while simultaneously waiting for white paint to dry and constantly boiling a kettle, just for the sake of it while flicking through a catalogue of women's clothing. Or in other words, it's very dull and tedious but can deliver the occasional bit of excitement.
I'm pleased with that analogy; I'm getting in practice. Anyway, I shall end the blog on that slightly humorous point and I'll be back tomorrow with a blog on daytime television.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx
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