The Hot, Economic Climate of Fear

Is it just me that is bored of turning on the news at the moment and hearing about climate change, the money problems everyone has, and the increased risk of everyone being killed by a nuclear bomb from Iran? Of course, you only hear that after you hear all about Jade Goody, and her funeral, which I’m sure I’ll mention in another blog, sometime.

I’m one of these people who do not believe that climate change is a myth, and I think it is happening, but I also think it’s not caused by us. I’m sure people who are quite good with their world history will know that this tends to be a cycle that ‘Mother Earth’ has. Just like most women, one day she’ll moan she’s cold, then so many millions of years later, will complain it’s too hot. You can’t really go longer than a week (if that), without hearing that the ice caps are melting, a species of fish has died or that we’re having ‘freak’ whether.
Whenever it snows now, it seems to be caused by global warming, but you go up to an old person, and they will tell you happy all about the snow in their days, when it was so cold, they couldn’t even ride their bike to school because it was frozen. Or they would be delighted to inform of when they had a big drought one summer. It’s something that been around for a long time, and not something caused by driving a Land Rover or by having a bath. Also, if we decide we’re all going to drive everywhere in Peugeot 107’s and take showers, it isn’t going to stop global warming.

Another thing I’m sure you would have heard about is the money troubles a few people seem to be having over the past year or so, caused by a banker giving a couple of people mortgages they couldn’t afford in America. Well, maybe on a larger scale than that, but still the point stands.

People are not going to Spain in the summer, and instead have to go to the Lake District. I have no sympathy for those people as I am someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of leaving good old Blighty. People are not buying bottled water from the Scottish Highlands and have realised that water comes out of things called ‘Taps’. I don’t think the Credit Crunch is a bad thing really. People have managed to have a look at the money they waste on stuff they don’t need, and everyone’s learning how to count down from 5, as the interest rates tumble.
There are bad things to this of course, as people are losing their jobs, which then means more people are stuck at home watching telly and using electricity, which is apparently causing global warming which now gets us into a continuous loop. With the loss of coastline, we won’t need so many coastguards which means more jobs lost.
Another bad thing, of course, is that bank managers will now have to go bankrupt, as they won’t be receiving a bonus this year, which means they can’t afford their fancy yachts, big cars and houses that come with their own village.

So, as well as the world heating up causing ‘freak’ snow storms and bad credit, crunching giant holes in people wallets, we move onto the world governments scaremongering us into believing that anyone carrying a rucksack, wearing a turban and looking at ceilings in building, supposedly searching for cameras, is a terrorist which will kill EVERYONE! Either that or they’re a Muslim tourist in the Sistine chapel. In that case, maybe they are a terrorist, as I don’t think you find many Muslims in there, and if you do meet one in there, then I would be quite suspicious of them.
Anyway, the latest news is that Britain is apparently a ‘hot spot’ for terrorist to target, and attack us with their chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear and explosive plots to KILL US ALL! We also now have to report everyone who looks or act suspiciously, which if you think about it, is a great majority of people in Great Britain.
Also, I think we’re going to be disappointed next time al Qaida strike, because if they go for a suicide bomber again, all this hype would have been for nothing, so we now have great expectations for them to fulfil. And there is no point in hijacking a plane again, because pilots seem quite capable of crashing their own planes these days, without their help.

I don’t like that we’re being made to be fearful of everything. Once upon a time, the Wolf went to extreme lengths to see what was in Little Red Ridding Hoods basket, but now he has to call the Bomb Disposal Unit, just in case. I also don’t like the fact that we can’t walk into Woolworths anymore to pass the time of day, just because some Americans couldn’t handle their money and gave it to anyone who wanted to buy a house. Another thing I don’t like is that I have to pay £2.90 to catch a bus, which will apparently save the lives of my none-existent grandchildren and because I favour baths to showers, I am seen as an offspring of Satan.

But then again, there aren’t many things I do like, apart from milk, hugs, friends, and Sloths.

So anyway, that’s it, and I hope I haven’t scared you so much that you’ll need to sleep with a nightlight on tonight, because that will make global warming much worse.
Toodles m’dearys.

xXXx

Oh, Goody...

The day has come, on Mothering Sunday 2009, Jade Goody, aged 27, died in her sleep after being diagnosed with cancer, what feels like years ago. So, I suppose you could call this my tribute to her and her extraordinary life in the public eye, which I think she defiantly earned. There may be a hint of sarcasm in there, but hey, it looks good on the preview thingy.

...In my blog I'll tell how she went from this

To this...

And finally, to this...

The story begins in series 3 (I think) of Big Brother in 2002. During that series, she became a target for the press, after showing her stupidity (plus more) in the BB house. Her lack of knowledge for, anything really was ridiculed in the press. A lot of people will remember when she was plastered in every paper nude, after a drunken night in the house - pictured above. This episode in her life, also gave everyone an insight into what was to follow – her being portrayed as ‘a bitch’, I believe the term is.

Then we had a few years of her being a celebrity. I’ve been informed that she had a chat show, but I don’t remember that, and I’m sure you don’t even, but she did do more than that. She had a few appearances in gossip magazines like Heat and OK!, but again, I doubt anyone really remembers them... She ran the London Marathon as well, but she didn’t finish because she collapsed after 20 miles, so that’s something else she failed on.
She then released her autobiography, so we could be informed of the terrible life she had as a child, and the terrible time she had in Big Brother and how she was misrepresented. To top it off, she released her own fragrance called ‘Shhh... Jade Goody’, there are so many jokes to be made about that, but I think you can probably work them out for yourselves.

Then we come to 2007, the cost controversial year for her before 2009. She went back on Celebrity Big Brother and that’s where it all kicked off... she was accused of being racist, which led to the whole nation hating her (even more than before), then Superdrug took her appropriately named perfume off the shelves, she then spent most the year grovelling to everyone, including India.

In 2008 was also a busy year for her, and she continued to apologise. She then released her second, appropriately named perfume range called ‘Controversial’ and released a second autobiography due to popular demand, all before she went on the Indian equivalent of Big Brother (Bigg Boss), before having to pull out, where she then found out she had cancer, and you know the story from there.
She then became a regular fixture on Living TV, with her TV series ‘Living With...’, she also sold her story to OK! Magazine, and got married and baptised in front of a camera and a reporter, and made quite a lot of money. If you refresh your memory though, you will find out that she never once gave a message to the public saying ‘Get yourself checked out for cancer’ or in any form made any attempt to increase the public’s knowledge of cancer, everything she done was purely for herself, so all this crap that she’s made thousands of young girls get themselves checked out, is actually a load of crap.

You can call me insensitive if you want, you can even call me a ‘Sad Little Boy’ like I have been called on Twitter due to my ‘sensitive’ comments, but at no point did I ever say I was glad she got cancer, and at no point have I said today I’m glad she’s dead. You see, I’m pretty well informed about cancer, and the effects it has on people and the emotional and physical stress it causes to those around them, not to mention the person with the cancer. My Nan has only recently recovered from her bowel cancer, which has taken her two years, and I’m glad to say ‘the tough cookie’ has survived. But now I have a great Aunt and a great Uncle who both have cancer and are currently going through all the chemotherapy stuff, and I know how hard it is for them.

If you know me, then you are more than aware of what annoys me the most about this Jade Goody story. It’s that Gordon Brown, along with most of the country, have been commending her on her bravery. Now, I don’t once remember him saying that about my Nan, and I very much doubt he’s going to say it about any other member of my family, or your family for that matter (without sounding too insensitive). And I’m sure if you live in or around Canterbury, you’ll be aware for the boy who died last week of cancer. I didn’t know him, but I’ve heard quite a lot about him, but then again, Gordon Brown hasn’t sent his condolences to his family.

So, why is Jade Goody any different to all these people? Why is she aloud to make thousands, if not millions of pounds, just for having cancer? She’s made such a huge fuss over her having cancer, and yet only last month, someone with a reason to be famous, died of cancer. That was Wendy Richards. Now, she literally spent all her last days increasing the awareness of cancer, and doing stuff for charity, and made a documentary about what she was going through. Although, not for the same reasons as Jade Goody. She didn’t do it for the money, she done it because she was an unselfish person who was a national treasure, as opposed to being the nations equivalent to Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Now, cast your minds back to before Jade Goody got cancer... Did anyone like her? No, they didn’t, and this was because she was seen as another vulgar creation, made from ‘Reality TV’ who is a celebrity for no particular reason and having no talent. Another reason for no-one liking her was that she was seen as a ‘mouthy cow’. Then, her getting cancer changed everything, and became ‘a kind of Princess D from the wrong side of the tracks’ to quote Stephen Fry’s tweet on the subject.

While I’m on the subject to Twitter again, I’d like to mention all the responses I’ve had on there about stuff I’ve said about Jade Goody. You find that there are a lot of people on there who actually like her, and felt sorry for her, and defended her against all the cruel things I said about her. Although you do get the odd person who doesn’t feel whatever emotion the media tell them to feel. They say ‘Hate Jade Goody’, then everyone in the country will hate her, but as soon as they say ‘Have sympathy for her’, everyone will run around buying the latest addition of OK! Magazine and crying due to being pumped with so much sympathy. It is ridiculous. But anyway, the point I was about to make was that there are some people on Twitter who came along and defending me, to which I thank for not being as deluded as everyone else. Not everyone liked her, it has to be said, and I was one of them.

And to prove the point that not everyone likes her, someone has actually gone to all the effort of making a website called ‘isjadegoodydeadyet’, which would be updated when her health changes. And it currently says... ‘YES! (Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead!)’ However insensitive that is, you have to applaud them for having the guts to do so.

But I will say this about her, to stop myself from going to hell if you like. Everyone is going to have a different opinion of this. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, ever, but the way you treat it, is the way you’ll be remembered. You choose how you remember her, but I will remember her as women, whose hunger for money and fame, and being in the media spotlight, was the making of her. How many people actually liked her before she got cancer?

And one more thing, if for some reason you feel the urge to to put flowers outside her house like everyone seems to be doing - Don't. Please give a donation to Cancer Research instead, it would be a hell of a lot more useful than flowers that will die.

So, yes, that was my rather large tribute to Jade Goody. I am expecting to get some response to this if anyone actually reads it. And all response are welcome, whether you want to complain or not.

I apologise for this blog being extremely long and biased, but I promise my next blog will be a lot shorter and easier to follow.
So until then, Toodles m’dearys...
xXXx

My God, There Are Some Idiots About...

Well, obviously the care homes can’t afford to look after idiotic people anymore due to the credit crunch, so have been let onto the streets, of Canterbury it seems – although I’m sure where ever you go in the country, it won’t take long for you to find an idiot to talk to...

I’ve been fortunate to have the morning off, so have enjoyed the sunshine, and been out in public, on the bus, in shops and walking down the high street, and everywhere I went, I seemed to find someone asking silly question or people being genuinely stupid.

First things first, I caught the bus today into Canterbury from Boughton and sat on the top deck, taking pictures of the scenery for my photography, and I was listening to these two women talking, and one of them seriously said to the other – “Are you going somewhere?” We are all on a bus, obviously going somewhere, and she asks that question. How idiotic is that? She could have asked ‘Where you off too?’ or ‘Are you going somewhere nice?’ But no, she asks a question, which has a blatant reply. “Yes.”

So, we all got off the bus, and I thought no-more about it. Then, during my travels around Canterbury, I pop into the card shop which is appropriately named ‘Birthdays’. You look at the name and you go, ‘Oh, they must sell Birthday cards’. Well my dear friends, I was wrong. Just as I was paying for my purchases, a man walked in, and he had the cheek to ask the assistant – “Do you sell birthday cards?” That has to be one of the stupidest questions ever asked by humans. If I had enough confidence, I would have given him a right talking too, after I said something sarcastic. Maybe something along the lines of ‘Of course not, it’s called Birthdays so people know that they don’t sell birthday cards!’ That really annoyed me that question did.

Then we get to the final point, which proves how stupid some people are...

If you live in Canterbury, then I am sure that you have at some time, encountered a women half way down the high street giving out ‘Lucky Heather’ in return for a pound coin. I have fallen into this, and I did do this last year. Unfortunately, my luck didn’t change, so was a waste of money. Every time I walk down the street the past few weeks, she offers me one, and on two occasions I have started an argument with her, hoping she’d get the point that I don’t want one. Although today, I encountered her again, and as usual, she asked me to buy one. I didn’t argue, and just ignored her as it does no good, and I don’t like to argue with anyone. The fact that I have made my point quite clear, and yet she still offers me one is ridiculous. The heather has clearly come out of someone’s garden and she’s wrapped it in a bit of foil, so unless she managed to get a leprechaun to ‘take a leak’ on it, I fail to see where the luck has come from. Although, for the record, I don’t endorse leprechaun wee to be lucky as I have had no experience with the stuff.

It does amaze me how many idiots you encounter on a day-to-day bases. Then, if I wanted to, I could continue to talk about people I know. People who consider themselves to be my best friends, when actually they bore me, the topics we discuss are hardly of any interest to me. He’d be better talking to a 10 year old kid than me, although I do fear the 10 year old kid would get eaten. Oh well, that’s life, and unfortunately, we are stuck with it. Unless, we endorse euthanasia, which is kind of illegal, so we must do the best next thing, and either ignore them or give them sarcastic replies. It’s the only way these people are going to learn.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject. When Jade Goody dies, I have decided I am going to do my own little tribute to her, like OK magazine have. Difference is, I’m going to wait until she passes onto the next world – wherever that will be. And don’t worry, I am expecting to get some ‘negative’ responses to it.

Toodles m’dearys.

Stuy xXXx

Maybe I Should Say Hello and Introduce Myself Finally... Part Two

Now I’ve told you a little bit the career that I quite fancy, and informed you that I am a cynical cunt, It’s time to for you to join me as I write a fake ‘lonely hearts ad’, as my heart is currently lonely – hard to believe, I know, and also, I’m going to talk a little about my opinion of love, whether you want to hear it or not.
You may, or may not be aware, that love isn’t like the movies. In fact, life isn’t the movies Not everything has a happy ending, however much we want it. The movies show love as being a series of happy events, which never end, although if an English person (I.e. Hugh Grant) is involved, it does include some awkwardness and things going a little wrong from time to time.
Another thing that is shown in the movies (I.e. High School Musical), is that high school flings work, when in real life, they tend to not work for a great deal of people. It does work for some, and that’s fine, but for a majority, it doesn’t. At the time you tell the ‘love of your life’ that you will love them forever, then a week later, forever has finished. What annoys me about a fair amount of people my age is the speed they fall in and out of love. You talk to someone and they tell you that they’re in love in John, and then by the next you speak to them, they’re in love with Frank, for example. And if you talk to one of these people in the few days they’re single, they be telling you how they will be lonely forever and that no-one loves them and how bad their life is, all because they’ve been single for two days.

Maybe I have this cynical view of love, because of my few experiences in the area of love. Maybe it’s because of the amount of time I’ve spent in ‘Singles Corner’, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m currently surrounded with people who are madly in love, and seems that I’m the only one sitting in the unlit corner. I know I’m not, but that’s the way it feels to me.

The only too change this negative view I have of love, is to be in love myself, and by looking at my current situation, that could be a long time in the waiting, so I’m left with no option, but to write my own ‘Lonely Hearts Advert’.

• They tend to start off with the important information such as gender, age, height and orientation, so mine would start; M, 6”1’, 16 and Straight.


• Next you say about your personality, and I like to think that I’m quite funny, so that’s abbreviated into; GSOH. Also I like to think people can trust me and I care about the people I love, so I would write that as; reliable, trustworthy and caring.


• Then you tend to describe you’re looks. I would say that I have great legs, but I don’t think that’s really appropriate, so I’d write something more along the lines of; My friends would describe me as having a lion’s mane as hair, passable looks and having more to cuddle. Essentially this translates into having recognisable hair, having below average looks, and being quite flabby.


• Then you go onto saying what you are looking for in a relationship. I would put; looking for someone who will teach me how to love. Basically because I’m rubbish with relationships, and need to learn how to love.


• Next you say about what you’re looking for in a person, so I’m looking for a female who also has a good sense of humour and just genuinely lovely, so that would be written; Looking for female with GSOH who’s kind and caring.


• I also think it’s best to leave sexual connotations out of it. For instance if I put something along the lines of; ‘Bloke who’s well hung and great in bed, who’d love to satisfy you’, probably wouldn’t attract the right people, and would put a majority of women off I think.

So, my ‘Lonely Hearts Ad’ looks something like this;

6”1’, 16 year old Male, who’s Straight and has a GSOH, reliable, trustworthy and caring. My friends would describe me as having a Lion’s Mane as hair, passable looks and having more to cuddle, who is looking for female who will teach me how to love, has a GSOH and is also kind and caring. XX

If you like the sounds of that guy, or know someone who might, then don’t hesitate to contact me...
I doubt anyone will, and writing all that would have been pointless, and I will probably spend more time single.

So, I’ll leave you on this joke I’ve written:
I heard that when relationships are right, they’re easy, even when things are hard...Well, I think that sums up most men who are in a relationship.

If you don’t get it... it’s a knob joke – think about it.

Toodles m’darlings. Speak soon, and remember to contact me...

Maybe I Should Say Hello and Introduce Myself Finally... Part One

Well, If you haven’t worked out by now, I am Stuart and if you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit of a cynical cunt, to put it politely anyway, and I find a lot to rant and moan about in today’s society and the general public in general. If I was Prime minister, I would do things differently, that is for sure.

One thing I do not like about society is the Media, which is hypocritical really, considering that I would quite like to have a career in the media – as a journalist maybe. The way they turn and twist things around, so they make people look a hell of a lot worse than they do already is an example. Another example is how they document the lives of people, who have no reason to be famous. A name that comes to mind is Jade Goody. Her talent is being a bitch and a chav, although now she’s shaken off the negative image and now the papers all feel sorry for her.

At this point, I could turn around and say that I’m going to go in the media career and completely change it into a respectable career to be associated with – but I won’t. If I even do get into journalism, the chances of me having an impact in anything other than what order to put words in, is very unlikely.

There are two avenues I feel you can go down in journalism. You either go down the Piers Morgan route and become hated widespread over the UK and in the USA, and yet be one of the highest paid ‘personalities’ and have a major impact in pretty much everything in the media.
The other route is go down being lesser known, and yet being respected. Well I say respected, I mean popular, but anyway – the Charlie Brooker route. He’s a cynical cunt and I like that. He is rather popular and has a ‘high-brow’ show on BBC 4, as well as writing columns for numerous national papers, and still having time to update his Twitter. I believe, given the choice, I would pick route B, Charlie Brooker.

So that’s my hypocritical career planned.
Next is onto planning my lonely hearts advert...
I’ll type again tomorrow. XX