Stuart's Review Of The Noughties

Wave bye-bye to 2009 and to the Noughties. 2010 has arrived, bringing with it a new decade which is inappropriately named 'The Teens'. As a lot of people have commented, it shouldn't technically be called 'The Teens' until 2013, so I don't know what the official name for this decade will be. Also, what are we calling this year? Twenty Ten or Two Thousand and Ten? I personally prefer the former because it sounds quite futuristic, but it is an Americanism, which is a downside. The latter is quite a boring, British way of saying it. I expect I'll call it Twenty Ten because it is shorter, but no-one listens to me.

Anyway, back on with the subject, 'The Noughties' - the years 2000 to 2009. This is the decade of the Internet. Every decade has a 'thing' and the previous was the Internet; the marvellous invention that allows you to watch people getting hurt when You've Been Framed isn't on. It also allows people to communicate with each other, as well as looking at free porn and sharing pointless thoughts with the world on Twitter. The Internet also allows people to be very angry. The amount of comments you see on forums and YouTube which are an exchange of insults is phenomenal. People surely were not that angry before the Internet. Essentially, they're just 12 year old boys who like to act hard by calling everyone a 'Dickhead' under the alias of 'RudeBoi98'. If you met them in real life, they would run away at the mere thought of a fight. I've had a few of them comments on my Blog, which I think is evidence that I've made it.
The Internet has had an incredible amount of bad press also however. Only the other year some scientist said that 'Using Facebook could raise the risk of your child having cancer' and crying that 'It could ruin the brains of children effecting our future generation'. Well, I've been on Facebook a few years now and I'm no more stupid than I was before. Also, apparently, a rise in paedophilia has been recorded because a 42 year old man can pose as 15 year old girl of MSN or MySpace. No one said 70 years ago that 'Chimney sweeps could be a predator on your innocent teenage daughter' did they though. Anyway, I know I'm safe because if anyone wanted me, they'd have to be pretty darn desperate.

This has also been the decade of terror for other reasons. Ever since 11/9 (it's the right way around because I'm not American. They're the only country who writes the date the other way around - idiots) the Governments have drummed into us that we're living in a 'climate of fear' which they themselves created anyway. The planes crashing into the Twin Towers surely was a horrific moment of the decade, and is one thing it will be remembered for, but I don't think going to war with Afghanistan and Iraq has helped the situation. Overall, 6,255 people died in the Noughties because of the war. Then you have the bomb attack on a Spanish train, then the London Underground/Bus, Glasgow Airport and a Russian Train; as well as all the suicide attacks in the war-torn countries. Okay, not as bad as the World Wars, but still something a majority of people will remember about the decade.

The reality show boom. Yes, a lot of negative things happened during the Noughties. The popularity of these shows started at the dawn of decade, with Big Brother being the main one and then shows such as Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Then shows like I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing On Ice. This is what tarred the basic fabric of humanity apart during the decade, with 95% of conversations linking to Reality TV in one way or another. Don't even get me started on the stars that have been born from this obsession. People like Chantelle from Big Brother, Cheryl Cole from Pop Stars: The Rivals and recently Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent. The most annoyingly famous one of the lot however is Jade Goody. You may be surprised that I mentioned her name, but in 45 years time when some poor sods have to learn about Culture in the Noughties, she'll be one of the people mentioned to your Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren. Now who wants that? I sure don't! The history of the decade has been soiled because of Reality TV and Jade Goody.
Simon Cowell has been a giant influence upon the decade as well. At the turn of the decade he was relatively unknown and now he is better known than the Queen according to a recent study. This is the man who brought us the treats of Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. This is the man who has helped to escalate our nations hunger to be a celebrity. This is a man who makes millions from making people look like complete and utter idiots on national telly in front of 10 Million people on a weekly basis. This is a man who at one point was more well known for being an angry, white-teethed, trousers-around-the-neck annoyance with terrible hair. Now he has far too much respect, money and ego as a result of the Noughties.

Journalism. Now remember I want a career in Journalism so this is a profession I'm suppose to admire and constantly dream about. Infact, only the other day I received a conditional offer to study Journalism at University. Well believe it or not I hate a majority of Journalists. Since the death of our dear Princess Diana, press has been given a bad name; in much the same way as one of Bon Jovi's ex's gave love a bad name. Piers Morgan was a twat during the 90's but he's even worse now - he's on TV. The news seems to only focus on the pointless moments in life like celebrity love lives. "Forget Australia being completely destroyed by a nuclear bomb, did you say Wayne and Coleen Rooney may be getting divorced?" That's what it would be like anyway. I'm sure most Journalist's are lovely in real-life, but the persona created by most in the papers is quite an unpleasant one.

Then you also have the recession, which looms over us still as we pass into another decade. This brought an increase of Shoplifting into the decade and a rise in unemployment. The decade will be known for bankers pissing our money away so they can go fancy yachts with cheesy names such as 'Bay Dream' and 'Fishin' Impossible'. People in years to come will talk about a ‘Northern Rock’ which once stood in high streets and raconteurs will share stories of the time when they stood in lines for hours on end to enter this 'Northern Rock'.

Something else that has come out of the decade and the Internet is the ability to watch TV without turning the actual television on. Yes, iPlayer was born, meaning that people can watch something a week later after it was originally shown on their laptops, iPods and phones. Phones are another invention which has really excelled during the Noughties. At the turn of the decade people hadn't even started playing Snake on their mobiles with them being the size of an actual brick with giant buttons. Remember them? Well why don't you go on the Internet via your phone and have a look on Google images if you don't.

Apples played a big part in the decade. No, not the edible ones which keep the doctor away, I mean the company. The idea that someone could play a few songs without using a CD player or tape deck was revolutionary. Now we think nothing of having an entire music collection in our pocket to listen to when we want, where we want. Now that my friends, this is what geeks are for: coming up with absolutely fantastic inventions. I love my iPod. I love mine so much I've named him Oscar and surprisingly he has the exact same taste in music as I do.

Twitter is a micro-blogging site which really made it big in the final year of the decade, and I have to stand up and say "Yes, I am a Twitterholic". I find it absolutely fantastic. What did we do before Twitter? Did we shout short messages of 140 characters in length out the window at people innocently walking past? No, it is such a pointless invention and is why I adore it. Essentially Twitter is a legalised form of stalking. I now know whenever my friends are having a shower and I can even tell you when Chris Moyles is going for 5 mile run so you can pop around his house and burgle him. Just brilliant.

This was the decade in which people stopped talking and spelling properly too (or should I say 2?). It’s a pet peeve of mine. I think you will find ‘U’ is an inappropriate way of spelling ‘you’. Even meaningful sentiments like ‘I love you’ have been destroyed. You’re lucky if someone goes to the effort of putting ‘luv u’ really because people very commonly go ‘ily’. The English language is slowly being destroyed. Even laughter has been destroyed. People have actually started saying ‘LOL’ instead of laughing. It’s the most common piece of gobbledegook used in society these days, and I hate it; a generation of people who can only communicate if they’re typing or using acronyms.

Games have had a huge impact in the previous decade. Years ago we sat infront of silly 2D animation with repetitive hypnotising music. Now at the end of the decade people have realistic games in which you feel part of the experience. Whether you're running people over in a stolen car on Grand Theft Auto or playing tennis in your living rooms, you are living in a realistic revolutionary game. You can play on your own while eating a packet of Doritos's or on the Internet against a thousand people eating Doritos's. If someone said to you in 1999 that in 2009 you could flapping like a bird to 'exercise' on your games console or pretending you're in a war zone with real blood effects and talking to someone in Australia, you probably would have already called the local mental institution claiming they were insane.

Then we have pop culture. This is something I am not going to say I 'adore' or find 'fantastic' because I actually detest it. As I mention far too many times in my blogs; Jade Goody was pretty the face of everything I despise. Amy Winehouse constantly being in and out of rehab so many times I can't remember when I first lost interest in her. Naomi Campbell has hit so many cleaners that her house now looks like a pig sty. Heather Mills has crushed so many Beatles that she has been named a threat to the environment. Victoria and David Beckham have moved country so many times that they themselves have contributed to 10% of all pollution. That leaves Katie Price; well she alone caused the great 2005 shortage of plastic and has been spread over so many papers that I can't be bothered to think up another metaphor for her. These are people we're supposed to idealise? These are role models to the next generation of adults? Celebrity Pop Culture was possibly the worst part of the Noughties. The sad thing is as well, that it shows no signs of stopping during the Teens. Even if we perfect space travel in the decade, we wouldn't be able to hide from it. How I wish I was a hermit sometimes.

Much more happened in the previous decade however, but I don’t want to make this blog so incredibly long no-one reads it so I’ve decreased it the bigger moments. What wonders do we expect from the Teens though? Maybe Jonathan Ross will leave the BBC to go onto more exciting projects? Maybe Big Brother will come to an end? Maybe we will learn how to cope with snow? Maybe big football teams like Manchester United and Liverpool will be squashed by teams like Leeds and Reading? Maybe the cure for cancer will be found? Maybe the British public will stop moaning about every little thing which could be portrayed as 'insulting' on the BBC? Maybe I will be able to text from my phone without pressing the camera button by accident? Maybe my blog will be found by the editor from The Guardian and I'll be found and become a renowned famous Journalist (I'm allowed to dream)? It's even possible that Katie Price may find the perfect man.

We shall have to wait and see.

The Hot, Economic Climate of Fear

Is it just me that is bored of turning on the news at the moment and hearing about climate change, the money problems everyone has, and the increased risk of everyone being killed by a nuclear bomb from Iran? Of course, you only hear that after you hear all about Jade Goody, and her funeral, which I’m sure I’ll mention in another blog, sometime.

I’m one of these people who do not believe that climate change is a myth, and I think it is happening, but I also think it’s not caused by us. I’m sure people who are quite good with their world history will know that this tends to be a cycle that ‘Mother Earth’ has. Just like most women, one day she’ll moan she’s cold, then so many millions of years later, will complain it’s too hot. You can’t really go longer than a week (if that), without hearing that the ice caps are melting, a species of fish has died or that we’re having ‘freak’ whether.
Whenever it snows now, it seems to be caused by global warming, but you go up to an old person, and they will tell you happy all about the snow in their days, when it was so cold, they couldn’t even ride their bike to school because it was frozen. Or they would be delighted to inform of when they had a big drought one summer. It’s something that been around for a long time, and not something caused by driving a Land Rover or by having a bath. Also, if we decide we’re all going to drive everywhere in Peugeot 107’s and take showers, it isn’t going to stop global warming.

Another thing I’m sure you would have heard about is the money troubles a few people seem to be having over the past year or so, caused by a banker giving a couple of people mortgages they couldn’t afford in America. Well, maybe on a larger scale than that, but still the point stands.

People are not going to Spain in the summer, and instead have to go to the Lake District. I have no sympathy for those people as I am someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of leaving good old Blighty. People are not buying bottled water from the Scottish Highlands and have realised that water comes out of things called ‘Taps’. I don’t think the Credit Crunch is a bad thing really. People have managed to have a look at the money they waste on stuff they don’t need, and everyone’s learning how to count down from 5, as the interest rates tumble.
There are bad things to this of course, as people are losing their jobs, which then means more people are stuck at home watching telly and using electricity, which is apparently causing global warming which now gets us into a continuous loop. With the loss of coastline, we won’t need so many coastguards which means more jobs lost.
Another bad thing, of course, is that bank managers will now have to go bankrupt, as they won’t be receiving a bonus this year, which means they can’t afford their fancy yachts, big cars and houses that come with their own village.

So, as well as the world heating up causing ‘freak’ snow storms and bad credit, crunching giant holes in people wallets, we move onto the world governments scaremongering us into believing that anyone carrying a rucksack, wearing a turban and looking at ceilings in building, supposedly searching for cameras, is a terrorist which will kill EVERYONE! Either that or they’re a Muslim tourist in the Sistine chapel. In that case, maybe they are a terrorist, as I don’t think you find many Muslims in there, and if you do meet one in there, then I would be quite suspicious of them.
Anyway, the latest news is that Britain is apparently a ‘hot spot’ for terrorist to target, and attack us with their chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear and explosive plots to KILL US ALL! We also now have to report everyone who looks or act suspiciously, which if you think about it, is a great majority of people in Great Britain.
Also, I think we’re going to be disappointed next time al Qaida strike, because if they go for a suicide bomber again, all this hype would have been for nothing, so we now have great expectations for them to fulfil. And there is no point in hijacking a plane again, because pilots seem quite capable of crashing their own planes these days, without their help.

I don’t like that we’re being made to be fearful of everything. Once upon a time, the Wolf went to extreme lengths to see what was in Little Red Ridding Hoods basket, but now he has to call the Bomb Disposal Unit, just in case. I also don’t like the fact that we can’t walk into Woolworths anymore to pass the time of day, just because some Americans couldn’t handle their money and gave it to anyone who wanted to buy a house. Another thing I don’t like is that I have to pay £2.90 to catch a bus, which will apparently save the lives of my none-existent grandchildren and because I favour baths to showers, I am seen as an offspring of Satan.

But then again, there aren’t many things I do like, apart from milk, hugs, friends, and Sloths.

So anyway, that’s it, and I hope I haven’t scared you so much that you’ll need to sleep with a nightlight on tonight, because that will make global warming much worse.
Toodles m’dearys.

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