The Stuart Awards 2014

We're now a week into 2015, and for many, 2014 is just a distant memory. However, despite having nothing better to do, I've only just found the time to sit down and decide who to give the following awards to.

2014 was quite a year, wasn't it? A lot of news happened. Hacking got big this year, and it helped us to see lots of private naked pictures of celebrities, and gave an apparently terrible film, a lot of press. The world became panicked by Ebola, and threatened by ISIS/ISIL/IS. Our phones started appearing on our wrists, as well as the decision by Windows to skip 9, and start developing version 10 of their operating software. This year, we also learned that Tesco cannot count, just like they couldn't tell the difference between a horse and a cow in 2013.

So, let's see what I felt in my infinite wisdom was deserving of praise, in my 7th awards ceremony.

Music

Most Annoying Song of the Year: It's a song which is supposed to empower women everywhere, by singing loudly about the size of their bum, as well as sexual prowess and consent. It is essentially the female version of Blurred Lines. The song Bang Bang - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj goes one step further by repeating the words 'Bang bang…' over, and over, again, just to make sure it's the last thing you hear before you go to sleep, like a horrendous lullaby.

Over-Played Song of the Year: Of course, I could just Let It Go, Let It Go, but I can't. It's everywhere. If 2014 is going to be remembered by one thing, it's going be Let It Go - Idina Menzel, and Olaf.

Guilty Pleasure of the Year: It may have taken four albums, but I have finally become able to enjoy One Direction. Their single this year, Steal My Girl, is a very catchy and mature-sounding song (despite them not understanding that women are not objects to be owned), and is one of my favourite songs of the year. Sorry.

Song of the Year: This was actually a difficult one to award, but I've decided on Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran. It's a very beautiful song that was destined to be a hit.

Album of the Year: So Maroon 5 released an album this year that was very good, so that would normally be my go-to winner. But this year, I couldn't. I've opted instead for Christina Perri - Head or Heart as it is a great album, where every song is very good, and as a complete package, it's a winner.

Union of the Year - Last year McBusted announced that two bands would become one, but it was in 2014 when they toured and wrote an album, and both were a lot of fun, taking me back to when I was 11 years old.

TV/Film

Drama of the Year: It's easy to forget (and I nearly did), but we were only a few hours into 2014 when the latest series of Sherlock made its way onto our television screens. Great intrigue, and plot twists that were carried out beautifully. I WANT MORE!

Series of the Year. I'm yet to watch the first series, but this year's Peaky Blinders was absolutely brilliant. As I have said in a previous blog post, it had great acting and a story that others would be jealous of. No doubt, it's a winner. I just need to get hold of the first series now. I would normally give this award to Doctor Who, and Capaldi triumphed as one of the strongest Doctor Who's yet, but it's good to mix things up.

Sitcom of the Year: I don't think we had a particularly rich year for TV Comedy during 2014. Others will disagree. But I didn't find the 'funniest' sitcoms of year, funny. However, it has been saved over the past few weeks. I only discovered the first series of The Wrong Mans over the past month or so, and I thought it a great example. It was a perfect mix between drama and comedy. Over Christmas, they had two hour-long specials which rounded off the whole affair nicely, with an even more gripping story full of jeopardy.

Film of the Year: I never think of myself as much of a film buff, but every year when I look back at the films I have seen, I surprise myself, and again, I had a few contenders. However, I decided Dawn of the Planet of the Apes to be my winner. It's horrifying, because you can't help but think 'WHAT IF?' Anyway, it has a great story, has an interesting viewpoint on society, and you can never fully decide whether to root for the humans or the apes…

Children's Film of the Year: I say 'Children's' loosely, because I believe it's a fine example of a good, funny, and entertaining film. But alas, The Lego Movie was very good, and it was something I could relate to completely, and enjoyed massively because of its use of parody as well.

Celebrity

Death of the Year: Nothing can beat the huge outpouring of genuine sorrow at the news of hearing Robin Williams had tragically killed himself. I don't think I have, or ever will, witness such a reaction to the death of a celebrity. It's clear to see how much he was, and still is, loved by audiences across the globe.

Bum of the Year: There have been many reported sightings of the large object, and Kim Kardashian's Rear is probably more famous than herself. Whether you've seen it photoshopped or as nature intended, she's still quite an arse.

'Who Cares' of the Year: Justin Bieber. Just, who cares anymore?

Journalism/Politics

Scare of the Year: New outlets across the Western world have done a fine job in spreading panic amongst people who are incredibly unlikely to contract the virus, Ebola. It took a long time for them to seemingly realise it's existence in Africa, but as soon as an American got it, widespread panic ensued; despite it being mostly concentrated to just three countries.

News Coverage of the Year: The story about the missing Malaysian flight, MH370, is a story which has had the whole world gripped. Despite the fact that everyone quickly became a expert regarding aviation, there was a lot of news coverage which spoke in depth, and helped us to gain an understanding.

Surprise of the Year: UKIP. I didn't expect the year they had, and I don't suppose they did either. They're quiet incredible, but not necessarily for good reasons.

Meal of the Year: Last year saw George Osbourne eating a burger. This year, we had Ed Milliband eating a bacon sandwich.

Bandwagon of the Year: Everyone now hates the Immigrants even more. Let's blame everything on them and tell exactly where Europe can stick them.

General

Thing I Don't Understand of the Year: Phones. Companies are simultaneously making phones bigger, and smaller. At the same time as being able to buy a phone which you can wear like a watch, you can buy phones that are so big they don't fit in your pocket, and you fear answering it too quickly in case you knock yourself out.

Charity Disguised as Selflessness of the Year: The Ice Bucket Challenge was very popular online, and I am pleased that no-one volunteered me to do it. It was one of those things, just like the #NoMakeUpSelfie, that people did just to make themselves look good in front of all their friends on Facebook.

Obsession of the Year: The film Frozen has picked up its second award from this blog. I just cannot Let It Go, Let It Gooo. I like the film, but I just not sure it is deserving of all the hype it has garnered.

And there you have it, the 2014 awards have come to an end. 2015 is already looking to be a busy year, what with both a Royal baby from Wills and Kate, and a 'Cumberbaby' from Benedict, expected. Free Speech is also looking to be a hot topic, and it will be a politically-interesting year, as we see who will be Prime Minister from May onwards.

Maybe we will meet again this time next year, and do this whole pointless charade again. However, until then, I hope your 2015 has been, and continues to be, a great year. And if not, just Let It Go...

The Princess and Her Privacy

Well, at least they did until this week. You would have thought being Princess, and being the future Queen of England, you wouldn't have nude photographs of yourself passed around the Internet for everyone to ejaculate over. For example, when our current Queen was just a Princess Royal, were nude photographs of her circulated? No. How about the Duke of Edinburgh? Did we have pictures of him naked, with only his cupped hands to protect his manhood. No. Or how about Prince Charles and Camilla? Well, thankfully not.

When the Queen was in her twenties and courting Phillip, the possibility of the paparazzi hounding them was unthinkable. In fact, photographers were not even called by the now derogatory term 'paparazzi'; they were just called ‘photographers’. Now, when the young Royal couple go anywhere in the World, they are followed by photographers and journalists. They are then kept in designated pens from which they are allowed to watch Prince William and Princess Kate collect flowers from young children, as they smile continuingly.

The Stuart Awards 2011

The biggest and least exciting annual awards ceremony is here. Welcome, to The Stuart Awards 2011. For the fourth year running now, I give out awards for the best and worse things to happen in the world for that year. The recipient of each award has been through lots of consultation, in which I had the one and only say in who gets the award. As you may be aware, the award is only imaginary, and generally the recipient of each award is completely ignorant to the fact that they have won it. So, let us commence with the first category:

Music

Most Annoying Song Of The Year: Most will probably disagree with this first winner, as most claim it to be a beautiful piece of music in which any person can 'emotionally connect' with. Horse Manure! Adele - Someone Like You, has won this award. In part, because it has been massively overplayed and overrated, but it is mostly because it is just drivel. The only way I would be likely to enjoy this piece of music, is if it were sung by a choir of dogs being castrated while having cats dangled in front of them.

Disappointing Song Of The Year: Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger is surprisingly awarded this. Now, let me just clarify: I love Maroon 5, and they are my favourite band. I really liked this song to start. However, now it has been over played, I feel has failed to stand the test time within just 6 months. To me, they have a lot of making up to do…

Song Of The Year: Again, rather surprisingly, Coldplay - Paradise win this award. It has just been caught on my mind since I first heard it. I'm not the greatest Coldplay fan, but it just seems a brilliant piece of music to me. I love the build-up to the song, and I love the burst of 'Para… Para… Paradise'. How great it is.

Song Of A Few Years Ago Which I Began To Like This Year: He is gay and was a competitor on American Idol: Adam Lambert - Fever. This was a song I found in a long twisted way which I will not divulge into, but all I say is find him singing it live on YouTube (so long as you're not homophobic). It's very good. Also, I would actually recommend his album too.

Album Of The Year: He's an Englishman living in France, and he had produced one of the happiest and cheerful albums I have possibly ever heard, with every song being catchier than the common cold: Julian Perretta - Stitch Me Up. Technically, it was released last year, but I can't help if I found it this year. It is a brilliant album which I actually do recommend to everyone. It has what I call a 'messy beat', but that adds to its charm, and I just love it.

Most Disappointing Album Of The Year: This honour goes to an album which I didn't buy or download, and I didn't even manage to force myself to listen to all the songs on YouTube. Arctic Monkeys - Suck It And See was liked by a lot of people, but to me it 'Sucked'. They are a band which have slipped into irrelevance and are sinking into a sea of rubbish 'cool' bands. I shall just stick to listening to Favourite Worst Nightmare. They will never top that one again…

Film & TV

Most Irritating And Largely Unnoticed Revival Of The Year: Big Brother on Channel 5. Last year, it won Best TV Moment Of The Year for the fact it had actually ended. This year, I have with no regret, taken the award away from them. It came back to life on another channel, and was on for almost the entire year. However, it seems that no-one really took any notice as I heard very little about it after the few weeks.

Worst Film Remake Of The Year: Wuthering Heights. Simple. I wrote a blog bemoaning how they forgot huge chunks and how it was filmed by art students trying to make some inadvertent point through soft focus and moths. It was just terrible, and the audience at the cinema seemed to agree.

Second Worst Film Remake Of The Year: The runner up to the previous award was almost as bad, and I felt deserving of the award too. The Witches Of Oz was made in the US and released over here on DVD. My girlfriend, being a fan of musicals, brought it, and we watched it; all 167 minutes of it. Basically, Dorothy, through some hurricane-time-travel crap, is living in modern day New York with no memory of the event, but with the help of rubbish acting and dated CGI technology, the worlds collide. Then through some terrible writing and awful acting, you'll regret ever watching it.

Drama Of The Year: Black Mirror. Sceptics might say this is because I am a Charlie Brooker obsessive, but it isn't. That may be why I originally watched it, but all three stories were heart-wrenching, at the same as being disturbing in this alternate, technology revolved universe. Amazing pieces of writing.

Film Of The Year: You may notice a pattern over the few years of these awards, but I am a very large kid. Johnny English: Reborn is very worthy of this tribute. It is just everything I want in a film: It's silly. It's funny. It's serious. It's fast. It's clever. It's a spoof. It has Rowan Atkinson.

US Import Of The Year: The Big Bang Theory, which won a similar award back in 2008. It has the potential to be the next Friends, and I just laugh at every episode with it being clever, original and silly all at the same time. Sure, it has the same formula as all American Sitcoms, but it is just so very funny. It even has a catchphrase: BAZINGA!

Comedy Of The Year: Up until a week or so ago, this award was going to Outnumbered, which would have been its third Stuart Award. However, The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff, which was on BBC 2 in the build-up to Christmas, had so many perfect comedy performances, from the experienced to the young, that it had me constantly laughing for the entire hour. It was rather remarkable.

Comedy Disgrace Of The Year: Mrs Brown's Boys. If you tell me it's funny, I will personally bang you over the head with a tin serving plate until blood pours from your eyes and see if you are still pissing yourself at how funny it is, with it being done over and over and over and over and over again.

Series Of The Year: I cannot leave Doctor Who out of my awards, so I have made one especially for it to win. The whole series was gripping with its storyline, and it was jammed pack with mystery and intrigue, as well as the usual Doctor Who tomfoolery. As much as I have a chip on my shoulder about Steven Moffat, I have to admit he is great at writing a brilliant story.

Celebrity

Celebrity Death Of The Year: This goes to Amy Winehouse, purely just because I found it how remarkably unapologetic the whole of Twitter was when it was revealed that she did not die as a result of drink nor drugs, after the weeks of shameless judging they threw on her coffin instead of roses.

Original Band Publicity Of The Year: I am quite intrigued by how McFly have achieved this over the past few months, with two of them winning two separate Celebrity shows: I'm A Celebrity… and Strictly Come Dancing. They didn't need to do those shows, but they did, and they won. It's made them rather popular I believe.

'How The Hell Are The Famous' Of The Year: It is hard to choose just one winner for this award, so every single person who has appeared on a 'Fake Documentary' on E4, ITV 2 and MTV win this award. I fail to see how anyone can be a fan of someone who has appeared on The Only Way Is Essex.

Journalism

Scandal Of The Year: Yeah, need I even tell you? Yes, it's the News of the World Phone Hacking scandal. It could be widened to almost all newspapers now, but nothing seems to have quite topped the fact that within a week of the news being released, News of the World were publishing their last ever newspaper.

Phone Hacking Revelation Of The Year: Millie Dowler. The dreadful business of NotW listening to distraught messages of her friends and family trying to get into contact with her is just rather upsetting. But hey, take solace in the fact that they weren't the ones to actually delete the messages…

Revenge Of The Year: This goes to Hugh Grant, in which he 'hacked' a Journalist, Paul McMullan, who revealed all the journalism misdoings, in revenge for the same journalist 'hacking' a conversation they had. Read it, it is quite interesting.

Article Of The Year: Well, it has to go to The Daily Mail's Liz Jones for writing a disturbing article in which she talks about how she stole sperm from her husband in a desperate bid to have a baby: 'The craving for a baby that drives women to the ultimate deception: Liz Jones makes her most shocking confession yet'. Read it, it's just disturbing...

Politics

Political Death Of The Year: Well, I have no idea who to award this too. It could go to one of three 'political enemies': Osama Bin Laden, Gaddafi or Kim Jong-il. All have their reasons for being deserving of this award. In fact, they can share. Their dead anyway… And if I hear one more joke about Team America existing, I will kill that person who utters it.

Useless Currency Of The Year: The Euro. This year, it became more unpopular than Jedward, and just like Jedward, if you see the Euro currency arrive on your doorstep, you'll want to douse it in petrol and flick a lighted match at it.

Uprising Of The Year: The Arab Springs. It went pretty well; as such. The problem is that people got killed amongst it. Terrible business.

General

Over Reaction Of The Year: The uproar following Jeremy Clarkson appearing on The One Show was just disastrous, and utterly pointless with it just being an excuse for the public sector unions to complain that no-one cares about their pensions. Well, you know what: You're right. We pretty much don't.

Royal Wedding Of The Year: The one people cared about. You see there were two royal weddings this year, and basically, people only cared about the Kate/William wedding. Bless that posh lady who married a rugby player…

Pointless Use Of 24 Hours News Of The Year: The London Riots. Almost every news channel became too paranoid to set foot outside, so made general assumptions for over 100 hours about the whole event from their studios, based purely on people calling in and what was being said on Twitter.

Twitterer Of The Year: This goes to, for another year, a comedian and not someone who actually adds anything much positive to the World of Twitter. This year, the comedian being flattered is in a relationship with Sarah Millican. It's Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) and he spews outs lots of awful, one line jokes.

Girlfriend Of The Year: Mine! N’awwww, ain’t I adorable…

And there you have it; the end of the blogging award ceremony in which 30 awards were handed out in my mind, and then written down so you can also join me in imagining the event in your minds. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Maybe by next year, for The Stuart Awards 2012, I would have struck a deal with Ricky Gervais to present the ceremony… Come on Gervais, I will offer you no money: None at all!

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 5-1)

Now we find ourselves at my final 5 reasons as to why life in Britain is so depressing. To recap, we had Simpson Repeats, Dependency of Technology, Complaining, Entertainment and the young people’s version of 'love'. Yes, these are not very typically depressing subjects and they do not have a big effect in Britain's level of depression. That is why they were lower down the list. These next and final five are bad. They will have you sitting at your computer screen making your blood boil at the realisation that these things are terrible and happen far too often in our culture; or at the very list, make me more of a cynic. Either way...

5. Get Off Facebook
The whole world seems to spend far too much time on Facebook, especially on Facebook. Everything has to be Facebooked. You have to share your current activity or thought with your friends. You have to create group so you can share your values and ideals with other people worldwide. Share pictures from the night before, and then moan when everyone sees them. Even relationships only become properly official when Facebook says so. People live in houses which have gardens covered in weeds because they spend too much time on Farmville growing Strawberries and the real dog goes unfed because the virtual one needs feeding. It seems that Facebook has ruined and taken over our lives. I am guilty of this too, but I'm not happy about it.
Living a country in which no-one goes outside and spends their life talking to 'friends' on Facebook can have its advantages with it meaning that all the people no-one likes have something to do. My Facebook gets rarely updated and I spend very little time on it now these days, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I feel sorry for all the people of our country that are addicted to Facebook for getting no sunlight. However, I envy the homeless guy in the underpass that has not got a Facebook page, he has not got to worry about the mundane things like us more fortunate people have to, like what to update our status to. Anyway, please British Facebooker’s go out and get a drink with some real friends and help stop the recession instead of paying AOL £15 a month to sit on Facebook.

4. Our Life Being Controlled By Machines
Self Checkout Machines. These were sold to us an easier and quicker way for paying for our shopping. What a lie that turned out to be. You scan your shopping yourself. Sounds simple enough. You have numerous attempts at scanning a pint of milk before it finally realises you are trying to scan something. You have to make sure you put it in exactly the right place in the bagging area otherwise it'll moan at you. Inevitably something will not work properly, then it starts shouting for assistance like a rape alarm made by Steven Hawking. You find that the amount of staff used to attend all the cries for help by these robots would be the same number needed to run the equivalent number of proper checkouts. Then you have to pay. If you pay by card, they're nice to you. Should you pay with cash/coins, then you are in big trouble. The machines will never accept it on your first or second attempt. You'll be lucky if it accepts the money on the third, but more likely on the fourth go. You then have to stand there for a minute while the machine seems to count the change out. QUICKER? You're having a joke are you not?
Then you have those parking machines. Rarely a simple thing, and yet another machine which tries to ruin my life and makes my blood boil. I've been driving not even two months and numerous times I have just stood and shouted at the machine. First it won't accept the coins. Then it swallows the coins and you lose them. Then it spits them out at you just as you start putting more money in. All this for a couple of hours parking. I won't even get started at the price. We moan about unemployment, so why could we not employ people. Sure, they'll probably just get moody and we would still moan, but at least it would be more efficient - however, probably more expensive as the case is. I think the next Government should start the abolishment of machines and go back to using people. Hint Hint...

3. Grasp Of The English Language
A well-known pet hate of mine is people using text speak and slang. I don't understand why it is used. It takes me longer to work out what half the abbreviations mean than it would take to type the actual words. Slang, I can live with, as that is just our language evolving to become a more bastardised form. Text speak is just pointless. Since when has 'yoo' been easier than typing 'you'? Is there much effort to move your finger a few centimetres left? 'KK' is shorter of 'OK'. Again, since when has it been so hard to move your finger a centimetre higher? Then the worst of the lot - 'Iz'. Why are people trying to shorten short words? It just makes no sense. Text speak is purely just the language of the stupid and lazy.
Then you have words that have changed meaning over time. 'Epic' is a new favourite commonly used. A word that once meant heroic or impressively great now seems to be 'epically' overused to mean absolutely anything. You can have an 'epic fail', maybe an 'epic win' or just possibly an 'epic haircut'. The word 'Epic' has now been bastardised. Like I said in the previous blog, Love also has changed meanings with it now meaning to just be infatuated with another person mostly. Then you have new words. The new word which bugs me the most is 'lol'. I have got used to it being used on the Internet, and that no longer bugs me. What bugs me is people saying 'lol' in real every day-to-day life. I miss the days when people used to laugh. Anywho, maybe you lot should start writing and talking properly.

2. 'Celebrities'
It no secret. I hate 'Celebrities'. I hate Katie Price. I hated Jade Goody (and still technically do). I hate Piers Morgan. I hate Miley Cyrus. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Lindsey Lohan. I hate Gerard Butler. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Jack Tweed. I hate Zac Efron. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate John Terry. I hate Cheryl Cole. I hate Alex Reid. I hate Chris Brown. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate 'Jedward'. I hate Russel Brand. I hate Fearne Cotton. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. I hate Susan Boyle. I hate Heather Mills. I hate Kanye West. I hate Geri Halliwell. I hate Peaches Geldoff. I hate Vanessa Hugdens. I hate Myleene Klass. I hate David Van Day. I hate Esther Rantzen. I hate Vernon Kay. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Alexandra Burke. I hate Amy Winehouse. I hate Judy Finnigan. I hate both Liam and Noel Gallagher. I hate Kate Moss. I hate Jack Osbourne.
I hate a lot of celebrities. Infact, it probably would have been easier to just say I hate all celebrities and save the hassle of writing that long list. Anywho, shall I tell you whose fault it is we have to hear about them all the day? Yours! You keep buying these gossip magazines that fuel celebrity culture and all the people mentioned in the above list. These people that buy the magazines are also the ones that moan about constantly hearing about Katie Price's new marriage. Well, if you don't care, don't buy the magazine that pays her to tell you about it. It's like people moaning about Child Labour in poor countries - while wearing their brand new shoes, made in a poor country by a child. Members of the public (well, not you all, but a majority of you), could you please stop buying these magazines!

Which leads me on nicely to Number One...

1. The Media
Have you watched ITV News since they renovated themselves a few months ago? It is essentially The Sun being read out with moving pictures. The young journalists always seem to be too excited when they have been sent out with a Microphone and a Camera. Using younger presenters, instead of the experienced ones, appeals to the younger audience, ideally, people of a similar age to me. It was all part of a plan to get young people interested in the news. If anything, it has put me off the news. I don't watch Sky News for the same reason. I now only watch BBC news. Is it because they are the best? No, it is because I want the news told to me by experienced journalists, not young ones who have more spots than I do. This depresses me that they have to have a target audience. It is the news. Just read the news out properly, and people who are interested will find it and watch it.
The newspapers as always are keen to jump on any tiny, insignificant story and blow it way out of proportion or just completely change the story to make it more glamorised. An example of this in a local paper recently was it telling its readers that 'An old man was involved in a vehicle accident with a lorry and was seriously injured'. The real story was actually 'An old woman lost control of her car after getting a puncture, but only received minor injuries'. Stories like these can be found in every newspaper across the country. The famous story which was blown completely out of proportion by the newspapers is the Ross/Brand fiasco. Not many people complained initially. Then, the papers took it out of proportion and context, and then thousands of people complained, despite only reading about. The same could be said for Tiger Woods affairs towards the end of last year. The newspapers were not content on just saying that he had an affair, but they had to find the woman and interview her. Then, report on every other affair that was revealed. Why should we care about a man’s private life? Because the media tell us we should.
Another pet hate of mine in the media, which has the main objective of shaming and depressing Britain as a nation, is coming up with percentages and averages which compare us to other countries in negative things such as teenage pregnancy, unemployment or gang violence. It seems to be reported on a weekly bases that Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates. I see no reason for them to need to do this. You cannot stop teenagers having sex, so why keep telling us we have the horniest teenagers in the world. I never see the point in comparing us to other countries. If anything, you're just convincing more people to migrate to other countries.
The media always seems intent on comparing celebrities as well. Complaining when they look slightly fat: 'Is that very tiny bulge over her bikini bottoms? It is! Zoom in as far as you can, put it in Photoshop and add some stretch marks, and then put it in this week’s Hello magazine.' I do not quite see how pointing out everyone's small and highly unimportant flaws to the world is classed as entertainment. However, when the same celebrity is seen a few weeks later with a slightly smaller bulge over her bikini bottoms, the media might as well start shouting the accusations of a diet or plastic surgery from a very tall building in London with a megaphone, without any evidence of course. The hypercritical journalists found in the media are very annoying and after a while of reading these stories, just gets tiring and boring.
I have chosen the media as my preferred sector to have a career in. Why, I am not quite sure, seeing as it annoys me the most. I'm not going into the business to try and change it, because that will never happen. The fact that I have chosen a profession which annoys me, just proves that I love to moan, and also highly depresses me; thus why it is found at the number one spot.

There you have it, the top ten reasons why life on this Island which people call 'Britain' is depressing. There will be people who disagree with my ratings, and there will be those who will completely agree and congratulate me in summarising British life into two blogs. However, a majority of those people will never read this blog, but people who do read this. Please give me your thoughts.

I have decided that in years time, when I have spent far too long living in Britain and I have begun to lose my marbles as a result of Britain angering me so much, I'm going to get a welcome bath mat, just to keep me guessing.

Seeing as people seem to fail to find the first half; here are Reasons 10 - 5.

Katie: 'What's Your' Price?

I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...

She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.

Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.

The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).

In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.

Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.

This is going to be a fun week...

January In The News

January is all but gone now, the first month of the decade and it has been quite a busy one for the news to catch up with. First there was the ordeal of Jonathan Ross leaving the BBC in June, Jordan having a few of her ex partners locked in a house for a few weeks, an Earthquake in a country which not many people can point out on a map of the world, Cadbury's becoming American, one of the worst ever shows starting: Take Me Out, and of course the most recent, the announcement of the Apple iPad. Here comes another long blog.

Remember when it snowed a few weeks ago? Well do you remember when news programs had trouble squeezing in the shocking news that Jonathan Ross was quitting the BBC? This is the man who they moaned had a salary which was higher than his worth and was a 'waste of license payer’s money'. However, now he going the media loves again. They had forgotten that 15 months ago they had him suspended for his apparently 'shocking' and 'offending' comments him and Russel Brand left on Andrew Sach's answer machine. Who would have guessed the media was so hypocritical?

Anyway, now the main talk is about who will be replacing him on his Friday Night slot? I personally think that the BBC will replace him with him Katie Price. She, like Ross, can talk for ages about any old piece of rubbish and I bet she's cheaper. They would have to change the name to 'Any Night With Katie Price' however. Speculation was that Graham Norton would replace him, but of course 'Four Poufs and a Piano' would have leave. The BBC doesn’t want to turn Friday nights into 'Gay Night'; there is a limit to how much lubricant the BBC can buy...

Anyway, that’s enough with the jokes that would make Jan Moir proud, and onwards to the more serious topic of the Haiti earthquake. Nearly two weeks ago it happened and it is still getting media coverage. Usually journalists tend to get tired of stories like these after a while so they stop reporting about them and pretend they never happened. The Earthquake has killed hundreds of thousands of people, and the death toll keeps rising, but still there are heart-warming stories of people being found alive under giants heaps of rubble. It is quite amazing really.
You may have noticed that I've all-of-a-sudden turned serious, but of course there are not many jokes to be made from a tragic event such as this. However, there is one. Simon Cowell (or God as he prefers close friends and relatives to call him) has created not only a single, but an album of songs dedicated to saving Haiti, which includes many famous stars singing with all the profits of course going to the devastated country. Haiti better appreciate all the crap we have to listen to for them.

Celebrity Big Brother started and ended this month. Again, like most years, I've watched not one minute of the program and yet I know so much thanks to friends talking about it in my presence and reading the newspapers and listening to the radio. Vinnie Jones was the favourite to win for a majority of the series as he claimed to be the only one in the house who had a normal, down-to-earth lifestyle. This was said without any irony apparently as only a few hours later he said 'Aren't house keepers and pool cleaners expensive?'. Yeah, good way to represent the common folk.
It turned out he didn't win but instead Katie Price’s ex. You know the one she dated after her and Pete split up. He's the one that is 'famous' for cross dressing. That's right, Alex Reid. He really does not deserve the title as a celebrity just because he had relations with Katie Price, I mean if every single man she'd dated was a celebrity the newspapers would be enormous.
They wouldn't be too big for the iPad though. That's right, Apple's new invention which is set to revolutionise life as we know it. I read all about it in the paper on Thursday, in which they were saying you could read newspapers, magazines and book electronically. Yeah, that is really what we need. For years I've wanted to read a newspaper without it actually being on paper and now Apple have come to the rescue. Incase you didn't notice, that was sarcasm.
It has been described as the iPhone on steroids. What people don't realise is that the man holding it is actually only a foot tall, so that makes it look a lot taller than it really is. It has been hailed as something inbetween the iPhone and the iMac, with its tablet function meaning that no longer will you have to operate a laptop with the hassle of having to press 'buttons'.
Here are some facts which you may not know about the iPad. Well, you will know them if you follow me on Twitter, but if you don't here are a few facts no-one knows.

• The Apple Tablet actually contains the antidote to save the life of Snow White after she has eaten the poisoned apple.
  
• The Apple iPad will be able to breed with other iPad's and together they will have a little iPod Shuffle which will one day grow into an iPod Classic.
  
• The iPad can kill all bacteria and viruses, including the 0.1% which even the best cleaning products can't kill. It can also clean a penny in under 10 seconds, much faster than Cilit Bang.
  
• The product can make even the prettiest girl look just like Susan Boyle, assuming you throw it hard enough at their face.

I'm sure have also heard that Cadbury's is no longer British. Bloody American's, coming over here and buying our companies. Kraft were the lucky people to get their cheesy hands onto the recipe for making our nations beloved Dairy Milk. Kraft own many other food companies with a list including Ritz biscuits, Oreo biscuits, Philadelphia cheese spread, Capri Sun drinks, Kenco Coffee, Toblerone and many more. Bet you didn't know that. Kraft own quite a lot of products which you will find somewhere in your Kitchen. Will this mean that this time next year we will be eating 'Philadelphia Chocolate Spread' and 'Chocolate covered Ritz biscuits'? Probably not, but we can dream.
Cadbury's were sold because of financial problems. This is worrying considering that a few days later the Government announced that we are officially out of the recession. What does this mean for everyone though? Not a lot, infact probably nothing. A 0.1% increase is hardly going to change anything dramatically. Interest rates will still remain low, tax will remain high and it will still be hard for the average person to get a loan.

In January a show called 'Take Me Out' was unleashed onto our screens by ITV as well. The basic format of the show is for a variety of thirty single woman who range from being stupid to damn right morons, big to small and from Twins to a woman who has no teeth. These girls stand behind a podium while a man comes down the ‘Love Elevator’ and spends 5 minutes being an ignorant twit while these 'lovelies' judge him. Essentially it is Blind Date for people aren't smart enough to think up three questions and are much more desperate for a 'quickie'.
It's an awful show, mind you; it doesn't stop me watching it. The reason for that though is probably because I'm single and therefore I am usually at home feeling sorry for myself on a Saturday evening. I would hate to go that show. The women on there are enough to make me realise that being single is a positive thing if there are people like them about. I would happily give up my life to avoid having to spend an hour in a pub in their company while trying to think up small talk. It would be my idea of hell. Awfully, addictive telly, that's what it is. The adverts should come with a health warning.

Finally, the snow. I've written a blog about the recent snow, so I'm not going to repeat myself, but two weeks after it melted and all disappeared, we're all still talking about how this winter has been the worst for thirty years. Channel Four felt the need to put an hour-long program on Saturday night (30th January) in which described snow. They explained the difference between 'sticky' and 'dry' snow. The kind we suffered a few weeks ago was the sticky stuff apparently (no jokes, please). The show then had a very inconclusive conclusion (I know, sounds confusing) in which they said it was probably caused by climate change, but don't agree it was, before going on to say that we should spend Millions of pounds on proper snow clearing equipment, but then saying we shouldn't because it would be waste of money. This made for a pointless show.

Next, it is February - the shortest month of the year. What will it bring us? They predict more snow, but I hope not. We also have Valentine’s Day (or Valeween as I am referring to it as from now on) on the 14th. Will something big happen like an apocalyptic flood? Will February be a good month or a bad one? We shall have to wait and see...

Stuart's Review Of The Noughties

Wave bye-bye to 2009 and to the Noughties. 2010 has arrived, bringing with it a new decade which is inappropriately named 'The Teens'. As a lot of people have commented, it shouldn't technically be called 'The Teens' until 2013, so I don't know what the official name for this decade will be. Also, what are we calling this year? Twenty Ten or Two Thousand and Ten? I personally prefer the former because it sounds quite futuristic, but it is an Americanism, which is a downside. The latter is quite a boring, British way of saying it. I expect I'll call it Twenty Ten because it is shorter, but no-one listens to me.

Anyway, back on with the subject, 'The Noughties' - the years 2000 to 2009. This is the decade of the Internet. Every decade has a 'thing' and the previous was the Internet; the marvellous invention that allows you to watch people getting hurt when You've Been Framed isn't on. It also allows people to communicate with each other, as well as looking at free porn and sharing pointless thoughts with the world on Twitter. The Internet also allows people to be very angry. The amount of comments you see on forums and YouTube which are an exchange of insults is phenomenal. People surely were not that angry before the Internet. Essentially, they're just 12 year old boys who like to act hard by calling everyone a 'Dickhead' under the alias of 'RudeBoi98'. If you met them in real life, they would run away at the mere thought of a fight. I've had a few of them comments on my Blog, which I think is evidence that I've made it.
The Internet has had an incredible amount of bad press also however. Only the other year some scientist said that 'Using Facebook could raise the risk of your child having cancer' and crying that 'It could ruin the brains of children effecting our future generation'. Well, I've been on Facebook a few years now and I'm no more stupid than I was before. Also, apparently, a rise in paedophilia has been recorded because a 42 year old man can pose as 15 year old girl of MSN or MySpace. No one said 70 years ago that 'Chimney sweeps could be a predator on your innocent teenage daughter' did they though. Anyway, I know I'm safe because if anyone wanted me, they'd have to be pretty darn desperate.

This has also been the decade of terror for other reasons. Ever since 11/9 (it's the right way around because I'm not American. They're the only country who writes the date the other way around - idiots) the Governments have drummed into us that we're living in a 'climate of fear' which they themselves created anyway. The planes crashing into the Twin Towers surely was a horrific moment of the decade, and is one thing it will be remembered for, but I don't think going to war with Afghanistan and Iraq has helped the situation. Overall, 6,255 people died in the Noughties because of the war. Then you have the bomb attack on a Spanish train, then the London Underground/Bus, Glasgow Airport and a Russian Train; as well as all the suicide attacks in the war-torn countries. Okay, not as bad as the World Wars, but still something a majority of people will remember about the decade.

The reality show boom. Yes, a lot of negative things happened during the Noughties. The popularity of these shows started at the dawn of decade, with Big Brother being the main one and then shows such as Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Then shows like I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing On Ice. This is what tarred the basic fabric of humanity apart during the decade, with 95% of conversations linking to Reality TV in one way or another. Don't even get me started on the stars that have been born from this obsession. People like Chantelle from Big Brother, Cheryl Cole from Pop Stars: The Rivals and recently Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent. The most annoyingly famous one of the lot however is Jade Goody. You may be surprised that I mentioned her name, but in 45 years time when some poor sods have to learn about Culture in the Noughties, she'll be one of the people mentioned to your Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren. Now who wants that? I sure don't! The history of the decade has been soiled because of Reality TV and Jade Goody.
Simon Cowell has been a giant influence upon the decade as well. At the turn of the decade he was relatively unknown and now he is better known than the Queen according to a recent study. This is the man who brought us the treats of Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. This is the man who has helped to escalate our nations hunger to be a celebrity. This is a man who makes millions from making people look like complete and utter idiots on national telly in front of 10 Million people on a weekly basis. This is a man who at one point was more well known for being an angry, white-teethed, trousers-around-the-neck annoyance with terrible hair. Now he has far too much respect, money and ego as a result of the Noughties.

Journalism. Now remember I want a career in Journalism so this is a profession I'm suppose to admire and constantly dream about. Infact, only the other day I received a conditional offer to study Journalism at University. Well believe it or not I hate a majority of Journalists. Since the death of our dear Princess Diana, press has been given a bad name; in much the same way as one of Bon Jovi's ex's gave love a bad name. Piers Morgan was a twat during the 90's but he's even worse now - he's on TV. The news seems to only focus on the pointless moments in life like celebrity love lives. "Forget Australia being completely destroyed by a nuclear bomb, did you say Wayne and Coleen Rooney may be getting divorced?" That's what it would be like anyway. I'm sure most Journalist's are lovely in real-life, but the persona created by most in the papers is quite an unpleasant one.

Then you also have the recession, which looms over us still as we pass into another decade. This brought an increase of Shoplifting into the decade and a rise in unemployment. The decade will be known for bankers pissing our money away so they can go fancy yachts with cheesy names such as 'Bay Dream' and 'Fishin' Impossible'. People in years to come will talk about a ‘Northern Rock’ which once stood in high streets and raconteurs will share stories of the time when they stood in lines for hours on end to enter this 'Northern Rock'.

Something else that has come out of the decade and the Internet is the ability to watch TV without turning the actual television on. Yes, iPlayer was born, meaning that people can watch something a week later after it was originally shown on their laptops, iPods and phones. Phones are another invention which has really excelled during the Noughties. At the turn of the decade people hadn't even started playing Snake on their mobiles with them being the size of an actual brick with giant buttons. Remember them? Well why don't you go on the Internet via your phone and have a look on Google images if you don't.

Apples played a big part in the decade. No, not the edible ones which keep the doctor away, I mean the company. The idea that someone could play a few songs without using a CD player or tape deck was revolutionary. Now we think nothing of having an entire music collection in our pocket to listen to when we want, where we want. Now that my friends, this is what geeks are for: coming up with absolutely fantastic inventions. I love my iPod. I love mine so much I've named him Oscar and surprisingly he has the exact same taste in music as I do.

Twitter is a micro-blogging site which really made it big in the final year of the decade, and I have to stand up and say "Yes, I am a Twitterholic". I find it absolutely fantastic. What did we do before Twitter? Did we shout short messages of 140 characters in length out the window at people innocently walking past? No, it is such a pointless invention and is why I adore it. Essentially Twitter is a legalised form of stalking. I now know whenever my friends are having a shower and I can even tell you when Chris Moyles is going for 5 mile run so you can pop around his house and burgle him. Just brilliant.

This was the decade in which people stopped talking and spelling properly too (or should I say 2?). It’s a pet peeve of mine. I think you will find ‘U’ is an inappropriate way of spelling ‘you’. Even meaningful sentiments like ‘I love you’ have been destroyed. You’re lucky if someone goes to the effort of putting ‘luv u’ really because people very commonly go ‘ily’. The English language is slowly being destroyed. Even laughter has been destroyed. People have actually started saying ‘LOL’ instead of laughing. It’s the most common piece of gobbledegook used in society these days, and I hate it; a generation of people who can only communicate if they’re typing or using acronyms.

Games have had a huge impact in the previous decade. Years ago we sat infront of silly 2D animation with repetitive hypnotising music. Now at the end of the decade people have realistic games in which you feel part of the experience. Whether you're running people over in a stolen car on Grand Theft Auto or playing tennis in your living rooms, you are living in a realistic revolutionary game. You can play on your own while eating a packet of Doritos's or on the Internet against a thousand people eating Doritos's. If someone said to you in 1999 that in 2009 you could flapping like a bird to 'exercise' on your games console or pretending you're in a war zone with real blood effects and talking to someone in Australia, you probably would have already called the local mental institution claiming they were insane.

Then we have pop culture. This is something I am not going to say I 'adore' or find 'fantastic' because I actually detest it. As I mention far too many times in my blogs; Jade Goody was pretty the face of everything I despise. Amy Winehouse constantly being in and out of rehab so many times I can't remember when I first lost interest in her. Naomi Campbell has hit so many cleaners that her house now looks like a pig sty. Heather Mills has crushed so many Beatles that she has been named a threat to the environment. Victoria and David Beckham have moved country so many times that they themselves have contributed to 10% of all pollution. That leaves Katie Price; well she alone caused the great 2005 shortage of plastic and has been spread over so many papers that I can't be bothered to think up another metaphor for her. These are people we're supposed to idealise? These are role models to the next generation of adults? Celebrity Pop Culture was possibly the worst part of the Noughties. The sad thing is as well, that it shows no signs of stopping during the Teens. Even if we perfect space travel in the decade, we wouldn't be able to hide from it. How I wish I was a hermit sometimes.

Much more happened in the previous decade however, but I don’t want to make this blog so incredibly long no-one reads it so I’ve decreased it the bigger moments. What wonders do we expect from the Teens though? Maybe Jonathan Ross will leave the BBC to go onto more exciting projects? Maybe Big Brother will come to an end? Maybe we will learn how to cope with snow? Maybe big football teams like Manchester United and Liverpool will be squashed by teams like Leeds and Reading? Maybe the cure for cancer will be found? Maybe the British public will stop moaning about every little thing which could be portrayed as 'insulting' on the BBC? Maybe I will be able to text from my phone without pressing the camera button by accident? Maybe my blog will be found by the editor from The Guardian and I'll be found and become a renowned famous Journalist (I'm allowed to dream)? It's even possible that Katie Price may find the perfect man.

We shall have to wait and see.

The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

Stuart Collyer’s View of Program Titles

I’m sure if you’ve picked up any television guide recently, you would have noticed the latest thing with program titles at the moment, is to endorse the celebrity that is appearing in the show, rather than endorse the show by its merits. The trend seems to be starting the title of a program with the 'celebrity' presenters’ name. I say 'celebrity' loosely because you tend to find you either have no idea who the person is, the person is trying to kick-start their career again, or in rare cases, you actually know who they are. I’m sure David Van Day will have his own show soon, bearing his name due to his sickening vanity, if he doesn’t already that is anyway.

The current list of shows includes things such as; Richard Hammond's Engineering Connections, Heston's Victorian Feast, Alan Whicker's Journey of a Lifetime, The Graham Norton Show, Monty Halls' Great Escape, Chris Moyles's Quiz Show, Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare, Piers Morgan's Life Stories, and so many more.

I can understand why chat shows bare the presenters’ name, because they are quite essential to the program, and you would find it hard to distinguish between the shows otherwise. Documentary shows, in no way need to have the presenters name on them. It now seems that the show is more about the presenter than the show. It makes the program sound a lot more interesting that it actually is. Who would have watched a show called 'Engineering Connections' or 'Darwin's Garden'? They sound very bland, and by adding the name of the presenter, it magically sounds more interesting - even though, the information put forward by the show is exactly the same, and people tend to finish watching the show, and think "Well that was boring" and consequently are left disappointed.

David Attenborough doesn't 'brand' his shows with his name. You never saw 'David Attenborough's Planet Earth' in the radio times did you? Maybe that was because it makes him sound like God, but that's not the point I'm making. His shows are successful for the shows content and not for his name. It's rare to see a show, that doesn't bare the presenters name on the front, like his. Newsnight isn't called 'Jeremy Paxman's Newsnight'. Although I'm sure he'd probably quite like it to be.

I suppose television bosses need something to keep themselves entertained while they think of other ways to deceive the British public and swindle money out of us in other ways, because they can't use telephone scams because people are expecting that now, and seem to be more cautious.

So yes, that’s it from me really, until next time.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx