The Comedy Recession

Carol Burnett said back in the 1950's that 'Comedy is tragedy plus time'. That is perhaps one of the best-known quotes about the construction of comedy, and it is an accurate observation. A quick look at some of the most popular sitcoms of all time suggests this is the case. No wonder Victor Meldrew is a misanthrope; he's had his house burnt down, been buried in the garden, had his foot encased in concrete, all before eventually being killed after being hit by a car.

However, British sitcoms are currently in crisis. The closest we get to tragedy in the modern era is cringe-worthy embarrassment. A sequence of events where the main characters find themselves in a series of ridiculous and surreal situations, causing the viewer to bury their head in their hands. For example, The Inbetweeners has four characters who all get themselves into equally awkward situations, whether it's throwing up over a child, or a clumsy attempt at losing their virginity. If we saw this in our real lives, I'm doubtful we'd be stood there' loling'.

I grew up when Richard Curtis and Ben Elton were the rulers of TV comedy. I watched Mr Bean, Blackadder and The Vicar of Dibley. Smart, witty and believable characters, who have depth. However, even Ben Elton struggles to write funny in the modern climate, with the funniest thing about his last sitcom The Wright Way being the reaction on Twitter.

Graham Lineham is perhaps the current ruler of the comedy crown jewels, with his many hits such as Black Books, Father Ted and The IT Crowd. He creates numerous strong characters, who allow him to have several storylines through one episode, making it engaging.

However, my ultimate proof of us living in a dark age of comedy is Mrs Brown's Boys, Derek and anything on BBC3. I am perhaps in the minority of disliking the former, but a show which can be shown in North Korea with the title "Everything That is Wrong with Europe and The Rest of The World", is surely not something to be proud of?

And the Ricky Gervais 'comedy' creation Derek, actually fails to be funny. It's sincere and well made, with many poignant moments. Gervais tried so hard to not be offensive, that he forgot to write any actual jokes.  BBC3 is just a channel for writers to echo the same, tired stereotypes of young people talkin' lyk dis, wearing hoodies, and being high or drunk.

Humour is, of course, subjective. However, when we look back over the past five years in 20 years time, what are we going to remember as the best comedy of the time? There are no comedies to be proud of. I fail to see anything currently on TV, that will one day feature on a Channel 5 list of the 50 best sitcoms at Christmas 2035. Apart from maybe Mrs Brown's Boys. Is that really what we want for our legacy? Comedy at the moment is an unfunny tragedy. 

Mark Watson - Flaws

In 2011 I went and saw Mark Watson live. You can read the review here if you want. I loved it. He was a break from the normal stand-up. Most will have a lesser-known stand up perform half an hour of material, before an interval and then the main event. The comedian then slips off, comes back on stage, and then disappears after receiving a few more laughs. Mark Watson does none of that, and it's brilliant. One could be mistaken for thinking he has no clue what is going on; but I think it's more a demonstration that he knows better than most comedians, what is happening.

On Sunday, I went and saw him again at The Gulbenkian, Canterbury, and it was very much a similar format to when I saw him on his 'Request Routes' tour. Not much has changed, apart from having slightly more facial hair, being spectacleless, and less Welsh.

'Flaws' has no definable beginning. Last time he began by speaking to the audience via typing on a laptop screen. This time he came on stage and began jogging on a treadmill, of which a microphone stand placed conveniently in front. This, as he put it, was his warm up. He chatted to the audience, and made general observations about the audience for nearly 10 minutes. He then walked off stage before immediately reappearing and commencing the show.

He is incredibly endearing, and it's hard to not fall in love with him, just a little bit. His body language is always relaxed, and does everything he can to break down the barrier between him and his audience, such as holding the microphone low. Another technique, and perhaps a more sinister one, is looking up members of the audience on Twitter. The amount he knew one member of the audience, such as televisual habits and pets, is a scary reminder of the times we live.

As always, his comedy comes from his real life. To reuse a sentence from my last review of Watson, 'He is very much the raconteur'. However, unlike last time, this was much more personal. In this tour, unsurprisingly, he talks about the flaws which have obviously, over the past year or so, made themselves apparent to him. He shows that there is a faint line between comedy and tragedy, as his main topics for discussion cover his reliance on drink ("If only there was a word like workaholic that describes drinking too much alcohol"), and hating, and losing confidence in, his own work. It then made me look at his 2011 tour in a different, darker, and unexpected light, as the veil was lifted.

But don't be thinking that this is a serious and dark show, because it is quite the opposite. He is refreshingly honest, but perhaps only showing the funny side of his problems. It is isn't until afterwards that you actually realise how frank he was. At the time, it is incredibly funny. Particularly when he opens up about his breaking point, which was at a Thomas the Tank Engine film premier with his toddler.

In a unique twist, he recreates the moment for the audience, for a quick moment of audience participation, props and music. You sit there in awe of what nightmare he has created in just a few moments, and it had the audience in fits of laughter. However, like always with a Canterbury audience, it's hard work for a comedian to get the audience to participate.

The show consists of a lot more than just chronicling his despair from the past year or so, as many of those themes are broken up by tangents about songs, his 'personal' relationship with Madonna, and irritation at Keep Calm merchandise. It is put together beautifully. And unlike a lot comedy shows, it has final message, which is quite enlightening and optimistic; "Being human is bloody hard" but, to paraphrase, we can find comfort in remembering that we're better than cats and worms. And then after checking the time with an audience member like he seems to always do, he did his usual self-promotional admin before leaving the stage.

I certainly hope I get the opportunity to see him next time he tours (not that he has even finished this tour yet), as I find real joy in seeing him live. He has become like a friend, and I probably know more about him than I do most of my friends. The one qualm with this show was that, despite still consisting of over 90 minutes of material, it didn't feel long enough. And if that's the only negative point I can think of, then it isn't bad going.

The last stand up show I went to see was at The O2, and coming back to this few-hundred seater, I appreciate it's intimacy a lot more. Comedy just isn't the same in those places and you can never beat a small, local theatre. And if you can see a brilliant comedian like Mark Watson at one, then you can't wish for anything better.

Lee Evans @ The O2 Arena

I've seen many things at different arenas over the past few years, and enjoyed them all thoroughly. However, I have always been sceptical of comedy in them. I've seen countless comedians in small venues, and loved the atmosphere that resides in those places. There is an intimacy between the comedian and their audience, which makes you feel comfortable and adds to the enjoyment. That was always going to be impossible to emulate in a 20,000 seat arena. However, comedy shows in arenas are hugely popular now, so I have always been intrigued.

On Saturday 4th October, I went to the O2 Arena, with the other half and friends, to see Lee Evans. These are tickets I had to buy 18 months in advance, in the hope that one of us didn't die, fall out, emigrate, or more likely, be busy on the day. It's quite a commitment to make, and a price to pay. I'm used to paying £10 to see comedians in a 300 seat theatre, brought a few months in advance. This is a different experience.

However, it was a great evening. He was gloriously funny, with a sweaty glint on his forehead. We laughed throughout, and all ended the evening with sore throats and aching bellies. The couple in front of us commented on how hard and loud my other half was laughing; luckily, she described it as 'infectious' rather than 'irritating'.

It was Lee Evans as you would expect. Lots of physical comedy accompanied by sound effects, and many fantastic observations about the many aspects of life, which had the audience laughing and cheering. If you like his previous stuff, then this is more of the same. And to think he did two and a half hours of stand up, and it was almost all new material, that is just as good as anything else he's done before, is quite impressive.

The interesting thing will be watching the DVD, as he almost self-edited it while he was performing. Jokes about Peter Andre and Katie Price he admitted crossed a line, but my favourite joke of the night was about Rolf Harris. He isn't a comedian who tends to do anything topical, but he can do it brilliantly; even if he cuts the evidence out of his DVD.

Despite completely enjoyed it (and don't get me wrong, I don't regret going in the slightest), my fears were met and I ended up watching the majority of it on the big screens, instead of actually looking at him on stage. It makes you ponder the purpose of being there, as opposed to just buying the DVD a few months later. But the atmosphere was brilliant, and it was heart warming to watch him on stage, receiving the huge round of applause, and still seeing him so humble. And at the end, he seemed to be genuinely grateful.

Of course, he ended on a self-penned song like he has on his last few tours. They're not funny, but again an example of how sincere he is, and always tend to be a beautiful song for his wife. He also performed his visualisation of the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody, which is perhaps one of the things he is most famous for now. It is a great example of his ability to do physical comedy brilliantly, much like Norman Wisdom (Not an original observation, but still one I agree with).

Overall, it was a brilliant experience, and Lee Evans is perhaps one of the best comedians around, in terms of his dedication, talent, and just general personality. He is much loved, and I cannot wait to get the DVD to watch again.

I never for one second doubted it would not be the case, as just over a year ago, we saw him live in the West End performing in the play Barking in Essex, in which he was an absolute joy to watch.

However, whether I would go to an arena again to watch a comedian, I'm more doubtful of. I stick to my belief of comedy being better in a theatre.

P.S. Below is a video of Lee Evan performing Bohemian Rhapsody. Enjoy.

It's the Golden Ticket

The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical, currently on at Drury Lane Royal Theatre, is one of most utterly incredible things you might ever see in your life. The technology and intellect that goes behind creating such wonderful sets, costumes and props is something which surely is revolutionary for musical, and is so splendidly funny that it is a fitting tribute to Roald Dahl.

If I were going to compare it to the film versions, it would be the original. Alex Jennings' version of Willy Wonka is perhaps more akin to that of Gene Wilder, but of course it has it's darker and lighter moments, just like both. However, unlike the two films, it holds a close resemblance to the story of the book, whilst still adapting it for the modern era.

Henning Wehn: That German Comedian

Henning Wehn brought his latest stand-up comedy show, Henning Knows Bestest, to Canterbury's The Gulbenkian Theatre on Saturday, May 11th. I travelled from London to see him, and it was definitely worth the journey, and missing Doctor Who; after all, you can't iPlayer theatre.

Regardless, beforehand I had only really seen him on comedy panel shows, on Dave's One Night Stand and occasionally on Radio 4, so it was a slight gamble. However, it was one of the best comedy nights I have had. It started off with him being his own warm-up act. Unfortunately, the material he used in this section of the show seemed to be his go-to jokes he uses on TV; witty, satirical observations. For example, in the week following this show, he was on 10 O'Clock Live, providing a few jokes about Europe, all of which I had heard just days earlier.

Milton Jones - Warming Us Up

Ahead of his 2013 tour, Milton Jones ventured down into Canterbury on a cold, January night. He came came and warmed us all up with his one liners, testing which ones worked, and which did not. Turns out, they mostly all had the audience laughing hard.

Milton Jones' Grandfather (I think it's just Milton Jones dressed up however) came out first and warmed up for the warm up for Milton's warm up show. He came onto the stage in an usual manner, but it shows an increase in his profits as it was more adventurous than pushing a trolley on like like he did last year. It obviously contained lots of his usual top class one-liners.

Comedy by a Ragdoll on Strings

On Friday I received an invite to see Chris Addison perform his show 'The Time is now, Again' at The Gulbenkian, Canterbury, with my usual comedy-watching partner after he possessed an extra ticket for no obvious reason. Following the text just an hour before the show started, I had to cook and chew my dinner in half an hour, to then jump in the car to ensure I was there on time. I then watched Chris Addison with indigestion.

The following two hours were filled with comedy rants from a well-informed viewpoint by a tall, slightly camp, man who burns extra calories by continuously patrolling the stage. I like to think of him as a Ragdoll being operated from above with strings, from his occasional prancing about, elaborate hand movements and floppy curly hair. He was a joy to watch, not just listen to.

"Like Rats Fighting In A Ditch"

Last week I dragged the girlfriend along to go watch Stewart Lee’s ‘Carpet Remnant World’ at Canterbury's new Marlowe Theatre. We didn't have great tickets; we were in the Upper Circle, one row from the very back. However, thanks to great designing, we could still see the stage brilliantly due to the elevated seats. The one issue is that with comedy shows such as these, you lose the intimacy if you are further away. For example, previous to this performance, I have only ever seen comedians in very intimate venues with only a few hundred. Suddenly, you don't seem to connect as well with someone when in a theatre holding 1,200 people. For this reason, I do not get the appeal of seeing a comedian, or anything, in a huge venue holding thousands of people such as The London O2 or Wembley Arena; you end up just watching the comedian on the giant screens around the venue.

I believe for a comedian to be their most successful, you have to have a small, intimate venue. It is much easier to work a crowd of 200, than one larger: any comedian would probably tell you that. Stewart Lee is completely the same. If you watch his stand-up DVD's or television series, you can see that he excels in a small group. I think my enjoyment of the show was lessened because of how far away we were from the stage. Not to sound like I am being negative, but he was talking to the few hundred people in the stalls, and sometimes ignoring everyone higher. However, he is a genius when it comes to stand-up (I mean, you would be after 25 years), and he is fully aware of what he is doing. Of course, he is doing it intentionally, and in large venues like this, it feeds his routine with extra fun.

The question is did I enjoy it?

Of course I bloody well did!

Like all Stewart Lee material, you're never quite sure when he actually starts his routine, because it all just seems natural. It isn't a false conversation like a lot of other comedians do, it is ,in fact, just a well informed rant/lecture. Even though I use the word lecture to describe it, it is a fun lecture. If you wanted to get into stand-up, then it is essential to go see him perform I believe. You can learn a lot about the art of stand-up from him.

His jokes are nicely varied, with some being just simple one-line jokes, a number were 20 minutes rants about something, whether it be him watching Scooby-Doo, Twitter or discussing the process of finding his material, and others were satirical observations about the local area or politics. The rest of the time, he was just shouting at the audience, which is strangely endearing. I mean, I'm not sure Michael McIntyre would get away with yelling and swearing at the audience for two hours, but Stewart can.

When it comes to favourite comedians I have seen live, he is up there with Lee Mack, and it is purely down to audience interaction and the ability to adapt a routine for an audience and local things which they can relate to. Stewart Lee did this through bringing on stage the front cover of the local newspaper to mock its lead story, for the main local news was a Headteacher, wearing a red wig, pretending to kidnap the Janitor. It was very good.

Of course, I cannot convey how funny it was in a not-very-well-written blog without giving you all the jokes and ruining it for prospective audience members, so you will just have to believe me.

However, what makes him different from the other comedians that I have seen is how friendly he is, and willing to spend time with the people who paid to see him. I joined the back of a five minute queue to shake his hand, have him sign a book and have a picture taken with him (as well as making an unfunny joke about how to spell Stuart/Stewart). I thoroughly enjoyed my evening in the company of Mr Stewart Lee. He was humble and lovely when I met him afterwards, and during the show he was everything you expect him to be: Funny, sarcastic, full of hate and ‘alternative’. So much so, it felt like he had made my diaphragm enter my throat.

P.S. "…Dog; [In a high-pitched voice] Dooog?" You’ll get it when/if you see/saw it…

Light-Hearted Offence

The world is filled with morons, and should have a thousand nuclear bombs dropped on it, whilst lions and enraged monkeys rip the faces and limbs from every person who has ever uttered 'erm' in a sentence. In fact, every member of planet Earth should be taken and shot in front of our God for being the stupid, brain-dead twerps that they are. Full stop.

Are you offended by those comments? You should be. I just wrote something offense about a group of people which is nasty, vindictive and inciting hatred. Come on, sue me. Take me to court. Issue a statement saying that I should have all freedom of speech removed from my soul because I use it in a way in which you disagree with.

That is, in fact, an exaggeration; I purely just think that 'the world is filled with morons'. The rest is optional really. So, do you want to know why I am 100% sure that almost every member of human kind is a brain-dead, moronic twerp? Well, let me show you the Oxford Dictionary's 2009 definition of the word 'Comedy':

1 a film, play, or other intended to make people laugh. 2: a light-hearted play in which the characters find happiness after experiencing difficult situations.Synonyms: humour, fun, hilarity, funny side, laughs, jokes.

I could go into many more dictionary definitions, such as humour, amusing, humorist, funny, etc. Either way, it is generally considered that comedy is not to be taken as truth; as the person's actual honest opinion, however offensive it may be.

There have been many comic moments which have had the context of humour removed to make something seem simply shockingly offensive. One example is the Ross/Brand Sachsgate fiasco, in which they phoned up Manuel from Fawlty Towers to inform him that his granddaughter was a bit of a slut. Although he didn't find the funny side, Manuel was not too offended and shrugged it off. However, the 27,000 other people who were in no way involved, were somehow offended, and complained to everyone.

Most stuff which Frankie Boyle says has the comedy element removed and is taken as a blind insult, either at the Queen's vagina, Katie Price's disabled son or Kerry Katona. Personally, I don't find much that he says funny; but that is my OPINION, and therefore NOT FACT. Due to that, I know that those comments, put into context, were meant to be, in some twisted sense, comedy. As I result, I brushed them off, and forget about it without an ounce of offence consuming me.

I do seem to be one of the few people that seems able to distinguish between what is MY OPINION and what is considered to be FACT. Jeremy Clarkson's latest comments have been juggled around the Internet, television, newspapers and radio, as part of journalism reporting the offense which has ensued. Jeremy Clarkson stated on The One Show (BBC 1), that striking public sector workers should be "executed in front of their families". Not the nicest of things to say, I grant you, but it is glaringly obvious that he was presenting a very exaggerated view, which was more than likely for the purposes of trying to be funny.

Yes, Jeremy Clarkson is in trouble again for telling another bad joke.

Where ever the news has been reported, the comments have had all context removed from it. You can view the transcript of his comments here, on The Guardian website, and judge for yourselves. In the first 24 hours, barely 5,000 people had heard the comments and complained, and a majority of that was purely because a 15 second video of him saying those comments, with everything said before and after removed, was passed around the Internet. The BBC removed that particular episode of The One Show from iPlayer, so people could not watch it, and therefore the morons had no way of understanding the context.

Three days after the comments were made, the number of complaints had risen to over 21,000; only 6000 short of the amount received for Sachsgate. Now, maybe I'm being blind sighted, but surely if you've been SO offended by a comment, it wouldn't take you three days to complain. Therefore, I suspect that, just like Sachsgate, a majority of the people 'offended' by the comments, never actually saw the show live, and have, in fact been offended by BBC News repeating, and Twitter spreading, the 15 second clip. Surely, that is just as meaningful as me complaining about the treatment of disabled children in the 19th Century; a hundred years before I was born. If you were not offended at the time, and only after you have been told that something IS offensive, then the complaint should be answered by a gurgling, snot-nosed 6 month old who is sat with the phone in his mouth, for that is the amount attention and respect their complain deserves.

Similarly, Life's Too Short is coming under similar scrutiny, with it apparently being offensive to dwarfs, and therefore people are convinced that Ricky Gervais hates people who have dwarfism just like all other disabilities (people forget that it was co-written with Stephen Merchant). In fact, there is a campaign under way to get Life's Too Short taken off the telly. There was a whole interview with the campaign leader a few weeks back in The Guardian's 'g2' pullout. She has a young son with the disorder. I felt sorry for her until I realised that she too, is a moron.

'Substitute the word "dwarf" with that of another minority or disability' Kirstina Gray says, 'and the BBC would probably find itself in court'.

Why is it that every individual of this planet seems put upon by the comments of another human being? I personally don't think the BBC would find itself in court as it is comedy, and if it is offending, then get over it; it's not intentional (unless the comedian is Frankie Boyle, then chances are, he was purposefully trying to offend). In the 'Mockumentary', Warwick Davies plays himself as being a selfish prick. It's acting. The comedy is in no way pointing fun at his size, just merely using it to enhance the humour. The story line is based around that, just like there are films based around 40-year-old virgins.

If people from minorities or with disabilities, want to be treated as equals to the rest of the populace, then they have to be able to be subject to comedy, because that is what happens in most walks of life when everyone is equal. People make fun of others, and vice versa. I'm sure there are a majority of people in these 'categories' that can have fun; be subject to 'banter', and not get offended, but there are is a small selection of people, who are either so highly strung they could bungee jump, or are not properly informed, and think they should be offended. Those people ruin comedy, and life, for the rest of us. I refuse to live a world where people believe in political correctness.

As for Ricky Gervais using the word 'mong', and using it in its traditional sense before it became an insult for people with disabilities; it's no different to me saying 'I'm gay because I've finished my Uni essays'… It doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with another man in celebration.

And as for Jeremy Clarkson's other comment about people who commit suicide in front of trains being selfish; well it just so happens I have long held that same opinion. They cause disruption to hundreds of people, and there is usually a team of people that have to clean that person up, as well as the sadness that person causes the people they leave behind. A sad, tortured soul or not, it's still a pretty selfish act to commit… IN MY OPINION.

Also, just to redistribute a quote from Stephen Fry back in 2005:

'It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that", as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I'm offended by that." Well, so fucking what?'

And if you're offended by what I've said, either participate in a healthy, educated, well-written debate with me, or complain.

James Bond With Added Funny Gas

It was a few weeks ago now, but I have seen Johnny English Reborn. This is the second Johnny English, with the first coming out in 2003 when I was just eleven years old. Since then, it has been my second favourite movie franchise, with the first being Toy Story. I know, in just three sentences I have made myself sound rather childish. That's showing and not telling y'know!

I love Rowan Atkinson. I love him for almost every role I have seen him play in sitcoms and films, as well as for his 80's satirical humour in 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' and his stand-up material (performing sketches on stage essentially). He is, in my opinion, the greatest comedian. Therefore, I was always going to be biased to thinking that Johnny English Reborn is the greatest movie I have seen in some time.

The cinema I went to was a fancy new cinema complex with more screens than Comet, all showing different movies. It was a Vue cinema, this one situated in Stratford (because that’s what the Olympics needs). I haven't actually been to a Vue cinema before, but the chairs where more reminiscent of sofas than they were flimsy fold-down chairs; and that was in the standard, working class section. The screen was so large that you have to turn your head to be able to look from one side of the screen to another, and the air conditioning was so powerful that you could keep an Igloo in there for as long as you liked. The experience itself was the most pleasant one I have had in a cinema; apart from the large queue for snacks, the price of the snacks and the fact that there were other people in the cinema.

Anyway, first of all, don't go to see the movie to expect a movie similar to the first one. It is on a much larger scale, with a more believable and serious storyline which has tragedy, as well as moments of ecstatic, Atkinson-esque, pleasure. Think of it as more of a James Bond movie, with funny gas being pumped into the cinema. It is on that sort of large scale. It has a story line which could easily be adapted for a serious spy movie.

We join English in Tibet, learning Martial Arts after becoming a disgraced spy some years prior after a failed mission in Mozambique. MI7 need him back for a mission to foil a plot to kill the Chinese Premier. Along with his new sidekick, Tucker, he goes to Hong Kong to find people affiliated with a project named 'Vortex'. Humour ensues countless times, which involve a yacht chase, a game of golf and helicopter flying. MI7 then try to assassinate him, before a hilarious conclusion which involves Atkinson wearing lipstick, dancing to Word Up by Korn ("Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care"), some groin kicks, some wrestling with self, and having a fight scene in a cable car; all of which demonstrations the brilliance of his physical comedy. The movie then ends after English has attacked the Queen.

A very short synopsis there, but a lot more comedy ensues. I haven't laughed that much at a film for as long as I can remember; and I had watched the first Johnny English movie the evening prior to seeing Reborn. It certainly held up to my expectations and then superseded them.

The film also includes a greater cast, included Gillian Anderson (of X-Files fame), who was great for the role of Head of MI7, and Dominic West (of The Wire fame), who was great at playing the 'unexpected' villain of the film. Atkinson's acting was great too, and it is sometimes hard to believe that this is the man from Mr Bean and Blackadder. Also, remembering he is now 56, it is great to see him still able to perform such brilliant physical comedy, with his trademark high kicks and performing many stunts himself, such as driving a jet-powered Wheelchair through the streets of London.

I would recommend the film to anyone with the smallest of funny bones. I reckon it could make almost everyone at least snigger on numerous occasions. The film isn't a silly, half-term film which is meant for just children, but it is instead a film which the whole family could enjoy; I'm sure of it. Its adult story line makes sure of that. The comedy too will appeal to anyone. It is an all-round movie. I urge you to see it; even if you wait for it to come out on DVD. Films transfer onto DVD so quickly these days. It's not as if you'll have to wait long.

I don't know how else to put across how much I enjoyed this film. I do not understand why critics have been so harsh to this film. I think it's brilliant. Much better than any of your pouncey Twilight rubbish that you watch. I mean The Inbetweeners movie? If you 'claim to like comedy' that much, then you should see this. It's adult and childish at the same time, without any needless, apparently funny, swearing.

If you do go and see it at the cinema, do make sure you sit through the credits and wait patiently. You will not regret it. Out of a packed cinema, only 7 people remained at the end to watch one of the funniest Rowan Atkinson skits I have seen. It involves him, preparing a casserole, in sync to a piece of classical music (Edvard Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King - a piece of music everyone will recognise when they hear it). It is brilliant, and I'm saying that as a devoted fan of his visual antics, and think of it as a perfect example of what Atkinson can achieve, with just simple, everyday items. I was in awe of that final performance, as well as giggling like I would have when I was eleven years old.

My Review Of NOT Watching Jimmy Carr Live

I'm sure by now, people who read my blogs regularly will know that after watching a comedy gig live, particularly if it is a well known name such as Lee Mack, Sean Lock or Milton Jones, I blog about it in a 'Look who I've gone and seen' review, which more often than not is full of appraisal. Jimmy Carr would have been no acceptation. Although not one of my all-time favourite comedians, I imagine it would be a fantastic experience to sit through, especially if you had tickets for one of the front rows, and be close enough to be picked on like you see him do in all his stand-up DVD's. That is what makes him a great comedian in my opinion; to be able to interact with the audience in such an insulting way, but still making that person cry with laughter.

Imagine my excitement then, when I was told that I could have tickets to see Jimmy Carr, for free, to sit in the sixth row. I had spent the following few days looking forward to being a part of the whole experience. All I had to do was be at the Margate Winter Gardens on Friday 15th of July by 8pm, park legally and then walk into the theatre, with my friend and tickets in tow, then present them to the usher and sit down. Sounds simple. I've done it enough times when I've seen comedians at The Gulbenkian, Canterbury. I never envisaged any problems.

What ensued was possibly the unluckiest 5 minutes that I have ever had in my life.

I had walked into the theatre and was then asked by the usher to show my tickets. I looked in the envelope in which they were in, to find they were not in there. Complete shock took over my body. I went to the front desk, for them to deliberate for minutes whether to let me in or not (the tickets were not registered in my name you see). They decided that I could have just picked the receipt part of the ticket up and was trying to fool them. After becoming frustrated, I stormed out in a vain attempt to try and find the tickets on the floor outside. I left the house with them. They had to be in Margate. Ironically, I expect someone picked them up, fooled the usher, and took my seats. I hate to badmouth an entire town on this, but everyone in Margate is a bastard. There, I said it. Feel better? Not really.

My vain attempt to find the tickets took me along the path I took to get from the car to the theatre. I found nothing, so thought I'd look in the car before giving up. I looked over the car park wall on my approach to see a man bend down next to my car. I became an athlete (for possibly the first time in my life) thanks to something that could be described as adrenaline, and ran towards the car shouting. The man wasn't stealing it as it looked in my quick glance, but instead the complete opposite: clamping it. I got there before he clamped me, but still, even after I offered to get a ticket and explained the temperamentality of the machine and explaining it to be the reason for a number of other cars having not paid for parking, he still gave my car a bright yellow anklet, stuck a ticket to the window and demanding £120 for the release of my car. I also went for the sympathy vote, explaining that I'd lost my tickets for Jimmy Carr. They very helpfully looked around the whole car park for them. I'd rather they took the clamp off…

Those were the unluckiest 5 minutes of my life. Losing tickets and have some scumbag from Margate use them for himself rather than hand them back to me, before having some scumbags clamp me. A free night out, turned out to cost £120.

I'd done wrong. I understand that. I'm not trying to defend myself from my stupidity regarding the parking. I hadn't paid for parking in a car park which you have to pay to park in, and there were signs, even if hidden around the place, saying that they clamp people who disobey the rules. But the fact that I took the man who clamped me to the machine, and showed him it not accepting the coins in my wallet (it finally accepted one), annoys me. Apparently that was my fault for having dud coins. I think that's the machines fault, not mine. If I took the coins to a bank, they wouldn't throw them back. That stupid robot cost me £120. I worked out that from all the cars clamped in that one car park, they made £720 in the two hours I was there. No wonder they won’t replace the machine.

£120 is an extortionate amount however. £30. Sure. £60. Sure. But £120? That was ridiculous. I think of clamping as blackmail! If you took your child to a child-friendly area where other children were, in which you had to pay a small price for, but you didn't pay and they decided to not give you your child back until you paid a fine 4,000% more than what the original fee would have been, and didn't give you the chance to pay that original fee, and locked the child in a cage in front of your very eyes until the fine was paid, in cash. That would be called blackmail. That would be abduction. Clampers are child-abducting bastards!

I'm angry about this whole situation, mainly due to my stupidity. If it wasn't all so much my fault, it'd be fine, but the fact that all the unlucky events of those five minutes were due to me being stupid, I'm angry. I had to spend two hours in a Margate car park by the sea, watching a shit sunset, while I waited for my father to bail me out. Prison would have been a doddle.

Just in case you think I was being unfair to Margate in an earlier paragraph, I'm not. No good has ever come from me being in Margate. The Margate sands broke my camera last year, just weeks before my Photography exam, meaning I had to buy a new one. The same trip, I am sure to this very day, also gave me Chicken Pox after being in the slums of the town’s Primark, which led to me missing the said Photography exam, meaning I didn't go to University last year AND had to attend another year of school. I am still peeling off the skin from getting burnt on its beach a few weeks ago. And now, the unluckiest five minutes of my life. So, Margate sucks. Get used to!

Don't feel sorry for me though; I still went home pretty happy...

"...And The Kangaroo Wasn't Even There!"

Don't get that punch line? Well, then you've not seen Mark Watson on his new tour 'Request Routes'. Just for the sheer randomness and build-up to that punch line, I think it will stay with me for a long time to come. Am I going to ruin it for you? No; I'd never give it the justice that it deserves. Anyway, was he worth going to see? Positively, absolutely yes! I'm not sure when he actually started his routine. You could easily mistake him for a humorous, mumbling fool on stage, but he isn't. He's very clever.

He's not like stand-up comedians I've seen perform live before. He doesn't deliver joke after joke in the orderly fashion that Milton Jones does. His routine didn't seem contrived to go in a certain way like those of Ardal O'Hanlon, Sean Lock and Lee Mack and it wasn't a political lecture like that of Jeremy Hardy. Nor was it an over-used routine that he's stuck to for year after year like Paul Zerdin. Mark Watson was Mark Watson; handy because that's who we got tickets to see…

The warm-up act was possibly one of the funniest I've seen. It had me, and the entire audience, laughing, crying and participating. It was mostly improvised by the changing surroundings and the people that it saw, and picking on people who were absolutely ignorant to the whole thing until they sat down and saw what was happening. The warm-up act wasn't some young, budding comedian, yearning for a break into the comedy world. It involved Microsoft software on a laptop, a screen and a projector and remained silent in its 'geekyness'. Who was it? It was Mark Watson, warming up the audience for his sell-out show at Canterbury's Gulbenkian Theatre on Thursday, 7th June, 2010. While the audience entered, he sat on his laptop talking to the audience via Microsoft, a projector and a screen. He commented on people as they walked past the stage, finding their seats. The audience fell in love with him.

Mark Watson left the stage then entered back on, the audience cheered, whooped and whistled, and then Mark Watson chatted to us, in a very casual manner like we were all friends and he told us all his funny stories. He is very much the raconteur. He had stories of fatherhood, public transport, social awkwardness, politeness, and much more. The stories were gripping with regular laughter breaking them up. He interacted with audience by having breaks to chat about daily amounts of water intake and the like. He challenged the audience with a game and we were participates in the comedians strategy for dealing with late comers. It wasn't funny, it was fun.

The interval started after asking the audience for the time, and 15 minutes later he came back for another chat, before starting the latter half of his comedy routine about the same topics, mainly surrounding his social awkwardness in the real world when interacting with people. He even performed for us, LIVE, his lines for both the Magner's Pear Cider advert and the Innocent Smoothies advert (however, he didn't change into his white rabbit alias that we recognise him as…). The audience laughed a lot more, then he asked for the time one more time before slowing his routine down to do some self-promotional admin before leaving the stage.

His stand-up was one of the best I've seen, with me not getting bored and continually being gripped. When you walk out of a theatre with aching cheeks, hurting lungs and a sore throat, you know that you have had a great night of laughter. His routine was packed with laughter and was clever planned, and certainly, it was cleverly performed. I do have one criticism, mainly due to my gender, sexuality and social annoyance: I don't like that I saw his underwear every other minute. However, I'm sure they'll be a lot who would never complain, so yeah. If the worse thing I can say is that 'He showed his underwear too much', then Mark Watson is a fantastic comedian, with a brilliant routine that you should definitely see live. Even if only to understand how "…and the kangaroo wasn't even there!" is a punch line…

And if you think I've ruined the experience for you by doing a general overview of it and releasing the clever warm-up act to you, I haven't. I reckon it ends up different each night.

The Other Way Is Sussex

Television isn't in a great place at the moment. There are moments when brilliance peers through, like the sun shining through occasional holes in the dark, rain-filled clouds of idiocy, but overall, only taboo language can successfully describe the light emitted from everyone's televisions. Dramas are, for the most part, relatively predictable and usually pretty boring these days. Comedy's are, for the most part, aimed at the stereotypically stupid and mentally disabled. Talent shows are, for the most part, fixed to give Simon Cowell media coverage and money. And documentaries; they seem to be choreographed to show the 'real lives' of the stereotypically stupid and horny, shown on ITV 2 and E4.

With television being mostly repeats, it's not so much a bother that the output is mainly crap, than it would have been 15 years ago before we had a huge selection of TV to choose from, but it is. With there being very little output of new shows, we need those shows to be brilliant, fantastic, sensational, inspiring and many other buzz words. Let's take comedies as an example. It's all a matter of opinion, I know, but comedy isn't funny.

I can think of three sitcoms in recent years, that have come from British television, which are reliably funny; Outnumbered (BBC 1), The IT Crowd (C4) and Not Going Out (BBC 1). The former is a great, part improvised, comedy with child actors to be jealous of and wish were your own children. It is the younger, funnier brother of My Family, in that most people can relate to it in one way or another. The IT Crowd is just written by one of our greatest comedy writers in current times; Graham Lineham, who created characters people emphasis with whilst laughing at, and has storylines that take the strangest of turns and can have a house of people cackling madly. The latter, Not Going Out, has those brilliant one lines that resonate and make you laugh louder the more you think about it and stay with you for a long time. The acting may not be anything special, but those lines make up for it. The BBC made a good choice when they decided to 'uncancel' it. Also, take Horrible Histories (CBBC), highly amusing and possibly one of the greatest current comedies, with it mixing intellect with witty sketches. The kids have it so good these days. I had an idea that they should create an adult version for a prime-time BBC 2 slot, but you know what, I think if they showed the CBBC episodes in the evening, it would be just as successful. Plus, people might actually learn something about the Romans, The Tudors and more importantly, The Stuarts! I loved those books when I was child, and turning it into a television show, albeit 10 years late, was a great idea.

The other sitcoms that keep spewing out are not reliably funny and can sometimes make you cringe and want to eat your own eyes and ears so you don't have to withstand another second of it. Anything on BBC 3 usually ticks that box. Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, which I hope is ironically named, is awful, disgusting and utterly vile. Coming of Age seems to think it has cleverly exaggerated the teenage stereotype with humorous consequences, but has instead created glaringly wretched characters with storylines so weak an Ant could beat it in a fight. We Are Klang, from 2009, with Greg Davies had some great ideas, but they were tearfully mistreated, and in the true style of BBC 3, unfunny and utterly cringe worthy.

My Family (BBC 1) should have been cancelled years ago. I used to really enjoy it when I was younger, but now I'm older, the show is older and the family are older, it just doesn't work anymore. Most people will agree that it went downhill when Nick (you know, the man from the BT Ads. He recently became a father and got married. We're all happy for the BT couple…) left the show. Now the children aren't children, it has failed to continue to be a family sitcom, which is were Outnumbered steps in and takes the reins. Everyone wave goodbye to the Harper family. Go on, wave! It's the final series. Toodles!

I come from the era of Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. Back in the days when they wrote comedy and when comedy was great. How can I watch comedy from 30 years ago and laugh harder than what I do at current sitcoms? Blackadder: Sarcastic brilliance. Fawlty Towers: Unbelievably angry humour. Monty Python: Mind-blowingly, erratically random, superbness. Not The Nine O'clock News: Fantastically satirical sketch show. One Foot In The Grave: Belly laughter with a dash of sentimentality. Anything with Ronnie Barker: Well he was just a linguistic genius. There are so, so, so many more. Why can't we make shows like them anymore? Who the bloody hell thought Mrs Brown's Boys (BBC 1) was funny? The audience laughed at the word 'Willy'. That is how bad comedy is; people found that show so funny, it's been commissioned a second series. The BBC 1 controller is robbing ME and YOU of brilliant, clever, witty, laugh out loud humour. How dare him! I will soon be paying my TV license to fund television atrocity such as that.

The God of our dear English language!

Soaps used to represent the real lives of real people. Sure, they exaggerated it a bit to make it more entertaining than mundane, but it still had the ingredients of real life. Now, they seem to have lost the recipe and are now just experimenting to try and give it a bit of a kick; and they ruined it. Coronation Street is the main culprit. A tram crash. Numerous explosions within the past year. Dead bodies buried and hidden everywhere. The placentas of illegitimate children cover the cobbles. Murderer's hide everywhere. What kind of street is this? The crime statistics of Coronation Street must be awful. Its surprising people move there. The writers need to be strung up and shot. The story lines are awful. Then, they're about to destroy the Rovers Return in a huge riot. These aren't stories to entertain, infuse and grab the viewers’ attentions while helping them forget their problems. It's not that anymore. Coronation Street used to be funny. Now, they're trying to turn the soap into a huge production; like they're The Bourne Ultimatum or something. It's ridiculous I tells ya!

Talent shows are now so unbearable to watch. Sure, they were not exactly the most entertaining or morally right shows on the box a few years ago, but now they're just ridiculous. I think Simon Cowell should now just go and live with his metaphorical mistress (America) and leave us (Britain) to move on and carry on life without him. He's either with us, or with those slutty Yanks. The same goes for Piers Morgan while we're on that topic. Keep them, we don't want them back. They're your problems now! Anyway, talent shows are on the way out, and they should just leave respectfully instead of kicking up an undignified fuss. Britain's Got Talent (ITV) is over, you don't need to import David Hasslehoff for us to realise that. Britain has very little talent, and dancing dogs are not part of it. The X Factor too has gone. It can never recover now the peoples' princess, Cheryl Cole, has had her public image tarnished in such a disrespectful way. A show with Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa? Please, that sounds worse than an American chat show hosted by scared-ferret-in-a-suit, Piers Morgan.

Yet, for some reason, they won't let Big Brother die. Last year, it finished. This year, Channel 5 and that bastard Richard Desmond, have brought it back. Now, I also think reality television is, even if very slowly, dying. We all know that comebacks usually don't work. Take the band Blue; they came back and we still hate them. Take Michael Schumacher; he was World F1 champion, but since he returned last year, he hasn't even won a podium. There should be a general rule, which means should you chuck in the towel, you can never come back. That's the one positive thing about Jade Goody; she isn’t coming back! We don't seriously need Big Brother do we? It's always the same every year; a few gay, very bitchy men, in a house with a few idiotic slutty blonde men and women, a hip black man, a middle aged man trying to impress their child and a few people who resemble house plants and vacuums with gormless faces drawn on. Exactly, we don't need Big Brother!

Now, reality television shows are being replaced by ‘reality documentaries’. Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (C4) seemed to be the first to kick it off with its huge popularity. You know those novelty toilet brush covers from the 90's? The women in the show look just like them. It's just a way of making people who work hard all their life think 'How the hell can they do nothing with their lives and afford that wedding, when I work 5 days a week and think buying a pizza on a Friday is pushing the boat out!' It made you resent Gypsies even more; but not as much as the Gypsies you see in town forcing heather in tinfoil down people’s throats for £1.

The popular reality documentaries now, are The Only Way is Essex (ITV 2) and Made In Chelsea (E4), with a new show Geordie Shore (MTV) slowly gaining popularity. These three shows are the tackiest shows on British television, possibly ever.  I haven't watched them, but from the adverts and from what I've heard, these are the stupidest, sluttish, glamed-up freaks that we have ever seen. Big breasts, hair extensions and more make-up than the Avon catalogue; it's like Katie Price has been cloned, and then, they’ve spread them across the country and sent TV crews to film their integration into society. THEN, The Only Way Is Essex won a bloody BAFTA! This is the evidence that television is going down the drain. Society is going down with it, and we're drowning in that dirty bath water, urine, excrement and the stubble from the legs of females, and it'll get in your throat and, it just doesn’t bare thinking about.

So, a conclusion. There is very little comedy that is actually funny. Documentaries are not very informative. Dramas are very little in way of dramatic, apart from occasional glimpses of greatness on BBC 1. Reality hasn't shown the real lives of anyone recently. Soaps are competing with Hollywood films. Talent shows are just a way of showcases Simon Cowell's new facelift. And Gypsies; since when did they become popular?

Book Review: Sh*t My Dad Says

I’m not a keen reader of book. For instance, last year I read none. The books I had read the previous year were actually compulsory for my English A-level. However, there has been a change for 2011. Maybe it’s something in the water, possibly the long, cold, harsh Winter has completely altered me, or probably because I’m finding the right books and have a lot of free time on my hands. Whatever the reason, I am currently on my third book of the year. The first one being a Charlie Brooker book I made an attempt at starting many years ago. The second one started life as a ‘Twitter Sensation’ before becoming a book and then an American sitcom, making it somewhat of an American institution.

This is called ‘Sh*t My Dad Says’, and as the title suggests, it has a hefty amount of swearing, so if your easily offended, this is not the book for you (mind you, nor are a majority of my blogs, so what are you doing here?). I had heard about this book long before buying it and even read the introduction on the Amazon website. Then, once confronted by the book in HMV, and a large amount of vouchers received for my birthday, I couldn’t resist purchasing it. The back of the book got me more intrigued by the book, and the following line from the blurb, I think, describes it perfectly. Better than what I will attempt to say anyway.

“More than a million people now follow Mr Halpern Senior’s philosophical gems every day on Twitter, and this book weaves a brilliantly funny, surprisingly touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes.”

The author is pretty unknown, but Justin Halpern is a comedy writer for varying websites and such. On a whole, his writing is pretty talented and knows the secrets behind comedy and can get as much laughter out of a scenario as is possible. However, his use of metaphors seem to be too often and sometimes are very forced. It is like he is trying desperately hard to come across as talented. They sometimes seem somewhat pressurised. For those amongst you who are not Sherlock Holmes, Justin Halpern is the son, writing down his father’s brilliant quips.

“So there you go. Your mother thinks you’re handsome. This should be an exciting day for you.”

So, the book. It shows the father and son relationship between a loving, but very straight talking, opinionated scientist in nuclear medicine (the Dad), and a young boy/man going through the regular ordeals of a growing American boy. It’s very light-hearted, and is in great detail. The two main characters, and others, have been created brilliantly so you can imagine these interactions happening, and I think that takes skill to achieve.

“A three-year-old doesn’t have a license to act like an asshole.”

Each chapter follows particular scenarios which are memorable in the life of Justin, and how his Dad either reacted to, or was involved in them. It may not seem that great when described like this, but trust me, it bloody well is. The first chapter starts off being about how this book came about, and the events that led towards it. The author had quit his job and been dumped by his girlfriend, on the same day, which led to him seeking shelter with parents, essentially.

“All I ask is that you pick up your stuff so you don’t leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gangbang. Also, sorry that your girlfriend dumped you.”

The following chapters describe events that happened while Justin grew up, in order from six years old to the writing of the book. Such events include attending a family wedding, failing maths, going to college and working in the kitchens at Hooters. Hilarity ensues in every chapter, I promise.

“You’re not a cigar guy… Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold it like you’re jerking off a mouse.”

I absolutely love the father, and is actually quite inspiring for an angry person like myself. How can you possibly not laugh at someone who says “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Big let down” or says “Hello… Fuck you” to a telemarketer. The book is absolutely filled with superb quotes like these, with there being two or three pages of odd remarks in between each chapter. These are a brilliant touch; with it is yet another way of filling the book with humour, and it really just makes the book look a lot larger than it is in reality.

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out.”

The book is 185 pages long, which is quite small in book terms anyway. The font is rather large; not much smaller than what you might find in a children’s book. It has a lot of chapters, but they’re relatively short with the longer ones reaching a peak of eleven pages. Then, between each chapter, you have two or three pages of quotes. This isn’t a book you take on holiday to read for days on the beach while catching some serious skin cancer, or you spend many weeks thinking deeply about. You could read and enjoy it on a long coach or plane journey to past the time with laughter, or do what I did, and read big chunks at a time over the course of a week. I still highly recommend this book to anyone who appreciates angry, straight-talking humour and can happily read page after page of the word ‘bullshit’.

“What are you doing with that rake?... No, that is not raking… What? Different styles of raking? No, there’s one style, and then there’s bullshit. Guess which one you’re doing.”

So, I recommend the book, but what about the sitcom?

Well, part created by Justin Halpern, it was produced for the American network CBS, and they, probably in an attempt at political correctness, called it ‘$#*! My Dad Says’. In the UK, it is currently being shown on the channel that is currently being called ‘Five*’. I have only watched one episode, and that was the opening episode. The following words will give you can understanding as to why I watched no more. The Dad is played by William Shatner.

“You’re going to run into jerk-offs, but remember, It’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”

I understand he is popular, but I have always thought that he does not suit comedy. I find his delivery of funny lines to very ‘wooden’ and it almost seems like he doesn’t get the joke he is saying. I personally think the TV adaption to be very poor, and I can’t be the only one to think so, otherwise it wouldn’t be buried away in schedules of what is a channel filled with bullshit in the UK. I hope Mr Halpern Senior gave a frank and more insulting opinion of the show, in his own unique, loving way.

“Son, you’re a good athlete, but I’ve seen what you call swimming. It looks like a slow kid on his knees trying to smash ants.”