It's ConDem May

I return, and I am writing fit. A pun in my very first sentence in my first blog for almost a month -  I have returned. Personally, I would say May 2010 was possibly the worst month of my life thus far; what with getting Chicken Pox, missing an important exam, cancelling my University application and of course turning 18. However, May 2010 has been quite a poignant month in the history of our country, with elections being held and the voters sticking two fingers up at politics – metaphorically or course.

'The country is going to the polls' was the popular phrase used by journalists for the days leading up to 6th May. I could make a joke about Poland, but I feel it is too easy. The public essentially had three main candidates to choose from. For Labour, they had the increasing unpopular Gordon Brown, who seemed to be stretching his neck skin. The Conservatives had David 'Dave' Cameron who shouted for change so many times, I was starting to think he wore nappies and always needed them changing, or there were increasingly popular Liberal Democrats and Nick Clegg who 6 weeks ago had an unrecognisable face.

In the lead up to the election, three televised leader debates were held. Something quite popular in America, and in an attempt to make the UK a bit more of a democracy, they were tried over here. They became quite popular and indeed helped Nick Clegg to becoming popular. The first debate was shown on ITV and concentrated on the domestic affairs of our country, in which polls suggested Clegg won. The second debate, shown on Sky News, was about the international affairs of our country and mainly focused on the wars we are participating in – Clegg also won this one. The third was shown on the BBC the week before the election and concentrated on our economy, with each suggesting ways to help our country to get out of debt. Clegg, indeed, won the third debate as well according to polls.

David Cameron and Gordon Brown spent most of the debates arguing between themselves while Nick Clegg stood there watching with a slightly smug look upon his face. I didn't particularly listen to what they had to say much, and infact I just studied their body language to see how they were coping. Clegg seemed to cope fine with the pressure of the audience and the heat of the spot lights. Cameron too seemed to cope with it all reasonably fine, apart from the fact he became rather sweaty and his forehead not only became shinier, but also seemed to grow. I never noticed before the debates he was slowly turning bald. Gordon Brown seemed to cope the same way he normally does under pressure, by bumbling everything he said more than Gareth Gates on Pop Idol many moons ago. I noticed he has very large ears and a lot of excess skin around his neck. He also seems to suck his teeth and intake air half way through his sentences, much like you would expect an angry rabbit would who was blowing up a balloon. Gordon Brown also created a slogan unwillingly in the debates.

Obviously, Gordon Brown and his team of PR ‘experts’ realised how popular Nick Clegg was becoming and how the audience seemed to always be agreeing with him. From this I presume the phrase 'I agree with Nick' was created. Rarely did a sentence fall from Brown's lips that did not start with the words 'I agree with Nick'. I essentially ended up feeling very sorry for Gordon.

On the 6th of May, despite having Chicken Pox, I was not 18, so I could not vote. If I could've voted though, I think I would voted Lib Dem's. I've supported the Conservatives for many years, but on final reflection, it was pretty much certain that the Conservatives would get the most votes, and seeing as I had become fond of Nick Clegg like everyone else, I think I would have helped him in getting votes. Either way, when the votes finally came in, no-one had actually won. Britain was in the midst of a parliament being hung (unfortunately, not in the way one would hope for).

Then the week of arse-kissing began. Both Labour and the Conservatives spent the entire election campaign constantly demeaning Nick Clegg and his fellow Liberal Democrats, and then they ended up having control over both parties. Eventually, on the Tuesday evening following the election, during Eastenders, it was announced that Nick Clegg had chosen the Conservatives and gone into partnership with them, forcing Gordon Brown out of British Politics. We are now living in a country run be a coalition Government, made up of David Cameron as Prime Minister and Nick Clegg and Deputy Prime Minister. What a marvellous day.

Over the coming weeks they announced the final line up of the Cabinet Team and it was a wonderful mixture or Blue's and Yellow's. Then the budget was announced. I am yet to read the 12 page document (however, I do actually plan to do so at some point), but somehow the new chancellor, George Osborne has begun cutting £6Billion from our countries budget. Then, for reasons of malice, the media has begun and I am sure will continue to, tear and pick apart the coalition Government so the next leaders debate will actually be held on an episode of Jeremy Kyle. You would think the media didn't want our country to have a stable Government and would rather our country be torn apart by constant rioting and fist fighting.

As in most partnerships, each side has had to give up some important things; for example I think as part of agreement Nick Clegg has had to bin his Elton John CD. The big thing that will come from the coalition, which I am rather sadly excited about, is a reform of the voting system. The Liberal Democrats this year received the most votes they have ever had, however, they ended up with less seats than previously had. To be honest, I am very excited about this coalition, and I do hope it works and I think it would be nice them to last the entire term together, but whether that will happen, we shall have to wait and see.

Another big thing about the month of May, like April, was the disruption to air travel. Only slightly caused by the ash cloud this time, but was mainly caused by BA Staff striking. Now, I am all for freedom of speech and all that lark, but this all seems pretty darn ridiculous to me. British Airway's staff have lost their travelling privileges. I don't want to come across as sarcastic and cynical here, but BOO-HOO! I wonder if anyone has actually pointed out to them yet that the longer they keep striking, the more money their employers lose. Then eventually, they'll start to lose so much money they will fall into debt, which would then lead to one of the biggest British companies closing down and having a major effect upon our economy and of course, all the people who are striking, won't have a job at all.

Sure, it seems quite unlikely that would happen, but I don't think losing a few travelling perks is enough of a reason to go on strike. From what I understand, pilots and airline staff are not exactly underpaid. I don't know what these perks are, but I doubt a bag of peanuts costs that much on a flight. I don't know because I have never been on a plane, but I think they should just stop throwing their toys out the pram and go back to doing their jobs!

I don't think anyone can write a blog about May, without mentioning the Eurovision Song Contest either. I didn't watch much of it really, infact, I only saw two songs (one of them ours) and the final results at a friend’s house after a night out. However, our country came last place, and I cannot understand why this has to be. Sure, the guy who was singing, who I affectionately have always called 'Whatshisface' because I do not want to waste brain cells learning his name, was rubbish. He hit very few notes properly and his backing singers were just as bad. It felt as if they had never previously all sung together as they had absolutely no ability to harmonise together at all. As for the song itself; why would we even give Pete Waterman the job of writing a song in the first place? It seemed like a suicide attempt!

Granted, there is not much British music about that I am particularly fond of, but we do have some pretty good singing talent. We should get one of our professional and successful singers to perform. Why not Leona Lewis? She's not great, but she is better than a lot of crap and is quite popular globally now. Cliff Richard done it twice, in 1968 and 1973 and he was a professional then. Other countries use professional and popular singers! The cynic in me knows the reason why we will not do it though. Money.

We spent so much effort on trying to get the Olympics and our country is also praying to host the World Cup, which is/will be, millions upon millions, if not billions, of pounds spent building stadiums and hosting the tournament. However, our country cannot afford to host the Eurovision Song Contest anymore as it is seen as dead wood now, so we continually put in rubbish acts. What makes it worse is that we complained for years that the reason we never won was because it was too political, and now that the points system has been changed, so that 50% of a countries results come from impartial judges, we still lose and have no excuse other than 'We're shit!'

Anyway, that is it for this blog, reviewing the month of May. You will not have to wait another month for the next blog though, as I plan to write two more in the next week - hopefully.

What Happened In March?

Not a lot really if I'm honest and I have struggled to find subjects to write about. There were no major events that will change the world in which we live in (unless you count me passing my driving test, but then that only really effects me) and it has just generally been a very slow month for news, which is why we have yet again heard so much about Katie Price and Alex Reid. Luckily in March, I completely ignored everything that was said to me about her. Like I said, nothing worth writing about has happened, so sorry if this gets slightly boring - hopefully April will be better.
Sports relief ruined our lives for a week, forcing people to do lots of sporting activities and watching hours upon hours of fundraising programs, in order to raise £31,633,091. I was ‘lucky’ as that was the week I became very ill, so I spent two days in bed for sports relief and raised sod all, whereas, across the country people made fools of themselves by dressing up or hula-hooping and done sponsored runs. You have to admire the people who did go 'the extra mile' to raise money, whether they were a celebrity or not. Whether it was a group of celebrities cycling from one side of the country to the other, Eddie Izzard running 43 marathons in 51 days, or some fat, balding presenter from The One Show shaving his beard off, they are all examples of different extremes achieved to raise money, but all worked.
I watched a huge majority of the Sports Relief coverage (purely because I was ill) and like all BBC charity shows, it was pretty rubbish and the same. The main show includes two presenters (usually an annoying pair of 'celebrities' who try very hard to have a bit of funny banter but fail, while constantly saying the number that has been on screen for 5 hours and still someone gets it wrong) in between the videos of famous people pointing at poor people why crying and the little sketches from shows that are popular at the time to neutralise the sadness. More often than not, you will find that these little sketches are rubbish, and you find yourself sitting their feeling more sympathy for those poor actors being forced to suffer like that, than the starving, dying, African with HIV. We had that again this year, for example the Ashes To Ashes sketch. However, there was one sketch, which however, was 15 minutes long and was possibly the funniest bit of telly I have seen so far this year. Of course, I am referring to James Corden's 'Smithy' sketch with various sportsmen and women.
I am not much of a fan of James Corden, and I never really got into Gavin And Stacey but even someone without a sense of humour would have to confess that his sketch was very good. Okay, it wasn't really funny because of the writing, purely for the outrageous scenes. James Corden and David Beckham in a bath - How Outrageous. James Corden training the England football team and singing with Wayne Rooney - How Outrageous. James Corden and Jenson Button celebrating together by hugging - How Outrageous. James Corden and Tom Daley diving into a swimming pool together - How Outrageous. James Corden shouting at a stadium of sports stars and telling them they need to sort themselves out - How Outrageous. It was funny because of how unbelievable the scenarios were, not for any other reason.

Also on TV towards the end of the month was 'Ask The Chancellors'. This, incase you did not watch it because you either have a life or were busy watching Coronation Street, was a program in which the Chancellors from the three major political parties stood at podiums for an hour and answered questions. The questions were asked by members of the public who sat in the audience. The suspicious people amongst us might think that Channel Four stole this format from the BBC's Question Time but I suppose that does not matter as it was quite an interesting program. I was surprised that when the show finished, I thought to myself (however, I tweeted it, so I didn’t exactly keep it to myself) that Vince Cable, from the Liberal Democrats, seemed to have the best attitude to pull us out of this economic depression.
We have more of these sorts of TV debates to come over the next month, with the election soon looming, and it is pretty obvious that the Liberal Democrats will not get into power, but Vince Cable really did not do a bad job at increasing their chances. George Osborne (Conservatives) done a pretty rubbish job, and if the show was longer than an hour, I imagine that there would be a high chance of him slipping on the pool of sweat that dripped off his face. As for Alistair Darling, well he may as well have said nothing. Infact, him and Gordon Brown might as well go on holiday for a month because any attempt they have at becoming popular seems to work the opposite way to what they intended.
Gordon Brown is expected to announce in the next few days that the election will be held on the 6th May, and because of this fact I actually do not care about the election anymore. Before, I was interested and was taking it seriously, but now I have realised that it will take place 21 days before I am 18 and allowed to vote - I could not give a crap anymore, and I was looking forward to voting as well...
The new season of Formula 1 started in March as well, and along with its return came a lot of major changes. I understand that a lot of people do not actually like it and find it very boring, but I have always found it thrilling and the highlight of my weekends. However, thus far I am disappointed. New regulations mean they have to carry a full tank of fuel and are no longer able to re-fuel during the race, and this has absolutely ruined it. One of the best times of the race used to be the pit stops and would be exciting to see whether the strategy would work for them and if so-and-so get out in front of whoever. Now it's just boring with them casually going in for a few seconds whenever they please for new tyres - they have ruined it.
Then Michael Schumacher, well I made a bet that he wouldn't win the first race (I'm £5 up), but I never realised how badly he would do. This is a man who was the greatest driver in the world, and now because he had a few years off, he is doing pretty rubbish. He should not have come back, and that is what I said when I heard he was returning. He has now pretty much ruined the persona he had before this return. He is ruined. Other than those things, it is promising to be an interesting year, but hopefully next year they will revert back to being able to re-fuel. I shall grit my teeth and bear it for now though. So far, I'm disappointed with the season.

I say not much happened during March, but rumours from the Catholic Church about priests that sexually abuse choir boys is hardly something new. However, this escalated during March with the Catholic community having to dig their way out of this rather big hole they have found themselves in. It got so bad that even the Pope had to get dressed and talk about it. Really, there are so many jokes that can be made about this subject, but none of them would be original, so I will not even bother trying. The Times did have a crack at making a joke of the whole thing. Think about it, you have a major news story about Child Sex Abuse and a journalist called 'Roger Boyes', how tempting must that have been?
Very, because the journalist who covered this news story for The Times was 'Roger Boyes'. You would have thought that someone must have thought that inappropriate in the offices, but clearly not. If it was not for that, I would have paid no attention to this story because it’s nothing new; just because German choir boys have decided to finally start telling people does not make it new news. If it was not for Twitter telling me about this, I would be ignorant to the fact The Times tried to be funny.

Then finally, Jade Goody. I was happy, yet disappointed with the media coverage she got. I wrote my usual blog slagging her and everyone who loved her off, only to find no-one really paid much notice to her anniversary. It was not that much of a big deal to the tabloid papers and ITV news paid no attention. All she got was a show on Living TV and her mum swearing on This Morning. Maybe it is just me who obsesses over her still? Either way, I'm cutting back on the Jade Goody moaning. It will no longer be something in which the name ‘Stuart Collyer’ will be associated with. I will try my very best (but of course sometimes it just is unavoidable) to not mention her name in one of my blogs again... There is no point keep crusading against someone no-one cares about anymore and doesn't actually bother people.

And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

February: Love Month (Apparently)

The shortest month of the year has been and gone confined to the history books as the second snowy month of 2010. February consists of Pancake Day, a day which everyone eats Pancakes surprisingly. Why only on this day, I don't know. Then February also has 'Valaween' hidden in the middle of it. Just in case you were wondering, I got no late Valentine's Cards, so that is another year of receiving (and sending) none. I look forward to yet another year of having my Facebook Status set to 'Single'.

Snow played yet another big part in this the month of February as it did in January, and yet again every moaned about it. They say we had the coldest winter since 1979 and the news was quick to show us yet more images of our nation suffering. Whether it was of monkeys sitting in the snow in a zoo or a tractor ironically being stuck in the snow after trying to pull a car out of a ditch, we had to be constantly told how much devastation this is causing us Brits. Last year, experts predicted Swine Flu to be the worst thing to affect us this winter, with it potentially killing millions, but instead it was the snow. Who could've seen that coming? Well, you would have thought the people at the Met Office.
Would you believe that it is the job of people at the Met Office to predict the weather so we can prepare ourselves? Yet, every time they seem to fail. A good use of money I think - paying people to do a job wrong. Mind you, if we pay our bankers millions of pounds for losing our money, why shouldn't we pay them to not do their job properly either. It seems our country is full of failures, and yet the Daily Mail still wonder why we have foreigners doing our jobs. Maybe it is because they are more competent - just a guess.
While I am on the subject of competence, let’s go back a few weeks ago (To Valentine's Day infact) when there was a smashing interview between a twatting tit and an unpopular growth. Yes, I am referring to the Piers Morgan/Gordon Brown interview on ITV 1. Now I am sure that you are aware of my dislike of Piers Morgan, so you can imagine my surprise after watching an hour long show with him in it that I 'enjoyed'. Well, maybe 'enjoy' is a bit of an overstatement, but I did think it was very interesting. I believe that Mr Brown came across very well in the interview. Granted, I did spend a majority of the interview just being mesmerised by the skin of Gordon Brown's neck and maybe that is what hypnotised me into liking him.
I think the Scot answered all the questions exactly right, despite Piers Morgan asking him really inappropriate questions which no-one wants to know the answer to. Why should I want to know 'How many girls Gordon Brown slept with while at University’? This was a political interview, not Loose Women! The overall interview was near on 3 hours, so it makes you wonder how awful the other 2 hours of stuff was, but that is the positive of editing I suppose. Alistair Campbell (Incidentally, I met his wife at the beginning of February - Fiona Millar - Thanks Mr Karnavas!) and Gordon Brown must be very happy with the outcome of the interview, and I do truly believe that the interview has actually helped Brown's election chances. However, if I'm 18 before the elections, I will still vote Conservative, but at least he tried.
The Winter Olympics happened in Vancouver, Canada during February as well. It became slightly hard for me to watch after that guy died while practicing for the Luge, so I didn't watch much after the first few days. However, I was pretty addicted to it before that happened and I did become quite the expert in Short Hill Ski Jumping as well as the Speed Skiing. How well did Britain do? Shockingly bad as usual. You would have thought with all the snow we have had, we could have done better. The medal we did though was a gold one.
That medal was one for us by a Miss Amy Williams. She competed in the 'Bob Skelton' which is essentially laying front first on a toboggan while going around a bobsleigh track head-first. It seems like quite scary stuff, and luckily I did actually watch this. A positive of them laying front first is that you can see their rear ends very well. The comment I made while watching her being hurtled around the track by the G-Forces for her winning run was that she had a very nice arse. I am not lying either, it is a VERY nice arse that Amy Williams has.
I think we all know that John Terry would have liked it also. Just in case you are not aware due to being trapped on a desert island with no contact to civilisation, he has been accused of sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend. Yes, it does seem like something that would be found on the Jeremy Kyle show. John Terry cheated on his own wife with the girlfriend of his former best friend and England Teammate. For some reason, Wayne Bridge has pulled out of the England Football team due to it. I wonder why?
Then of course you have the Cheryl Cole/Ashley Cole saga. What is it with footballers and their ability to 'score away from home' (a nice football based pun for you)? My theory is that they get paid too much to do sod all. They train in the morning and nothing the rest of the day. They have all that money, all that fame and the ball skill (two in one paragraph; look at me go). They have the ability to seduce any woman, so they do, despite how utterly gorgeous their 'WAG's are.
However, you can't talk about failing marriages without mentioning Katie Price, or whatever she is calling herself these days. It was only a few weeks since I wrote a blog about Katie Price's latest gossip and already it seems to be out dated. She and Alex got married in Las Vegas. Then there was talk they were getting divorced. Then talk of him wanting to adopt Peter Andre's children. Then talk that he gets no say in the marriage and that Katie 'wears' the trousers in the house. Then more talk about them getting divorced. Then I am being told that they are happily in love.
I am just confused. I try to use as little brain power as possible when it comes to trying to solve what is happening in modern pop culture because I have better and more important things to waste my time thinking about, like whether I want Cheese or Egg Sandwiches for lunch. However, trying to figure out Katie Price's love life is just confusing. However, this does trigger the question - why do we as a nation care?

Now, I apologise for being a day late in posting this blog 'End of the Month' blog. The reason for this is that I had a mad spasm of a social life. I was actually out and having fun which meant I had no time to write the blog. My weekend consisted of sleeping on a bed with more people than the bed was originally designed for then a sofa, as well as drinking alcohol (I am part of the statistic of underage drinkers, but then who isn't?) and eating far too much cake. However, I would describe the weekend as 'Brilliant', 'Much Needed', 'Extraordinary Fun' and also 'One Of My Best Yet'. If I may be slightly cheesy and ruin this angry persona I seem to have going, Thanks Guys for a great couple of days, and I hope you had a great time Emily.

Anyway, onwards with March. I predict that this month will bring more devastation, more marital conflict, more crap telly, and also the celebration of a year without an unloved celebrity...

The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

Is A Misspelling Really Disrespectful?

No, and to be honest, if you think it is you are either stupid or pathetic. Gordon Brown is the only Prime Minister who can write a letter to a woman who lost her son and then get criticised for spelling three words wrong. This is a man who can do no good. He hand writes a letters, and gets mocked by the country for not being able spell, but if he typed it, people would be moaning that they're not personal enough. I feel sorry for him.
I am in no way his biggest fan, and the fact I support the conservatives helps to illustrate this point, but I have so much sympathy for this man. He misspelt the name of the dead solider, as well as misspelling 'Greatest' and 'Condolences', and to be honest, I'd like to see how many average people can spell Condolences correctly with only one eye. The stupid members of the public and 'The Media' seem to forget that politicians are also human, and are prone to making the occasional mistake, especially typing. I make so many spelling mistakes when I write these blogs, but I don't go and hang myself every time because I may have 'disrespected' someone.

Then we go onto the name. This women's name is Mrs Janes, and Mr Brown spelt it 'Mrs James'. Now that's hardly a huge mistake, putting an 'M' instead of an 'N' is a mistake people make every day. Also, Mrs Janes - what kind of name is that anyway? I've never heard of 'Jane' being used as a surname, so you can understand how small this mistake by Gordon Brown was. Mrs James is a much more plausible name.

Why has Gordon Brown got to apologise for not being perfect? If I got told by my English teacher that I in some way insulted her by misspelling a word, I wouldn't apologise, and not because I'm a rebel, but because it's such an insignificant thing. What kind of person gets insulted by a misspelling? Sure, she is grieving for her son, but going to The Sun and telling them Gordon Brown insulted her by not using a dictionary is quite pathetic.

Another reason why I sympathise with Gordon Brown and his one eye, is because of my Nan. She is partially sighted and she tries to write things occasionally, and she'll write in my birthday card. However, when she puts 'Dear Staurt' by accident, I don't go and have a hissy fit and run around crying and claiming she hates me and doesn't love me at all, just because she couldn't spell my name correctly, and then end up going on Jeremy Kyle with the problem 'My Nan Can't Spell My Name - I Want An Apology' or consider suing her because I want compensation. No, I don't even mention it. Maybe it's just me being nice, but I like to think it's me not being stupid and pathetic and accepting the fact she is partially sighted.

I'm not the only person who thinks this either. On Twitter this morning I had people agreeing with, and someone even re-tweeted my tweet saying 'Why are people making such a big fuss over Gordon Brown's spelling? An 'M' instead of an 'N'. It's hardly a big mistake' to share with her followers. To be honest, I'm from the group of people that think the only thing The Sun is useful for is for whipping the bottom of a tramp; so this really shouldn't be considered as news anyway. I can see the headline on the front of The Sun tomorrow claiming that the reason we're full of immigrants is because he can't spell. The Sun isn't written by journalists, it's merely just a load of words put together to almost make a proper sentence, by someone who failed GCSE English. Idiots.

Earlier today, this story was the top news story on the BBC News website. Proving that Gordon Brown is prone to the occasional mistake, and therefore proving he is a human, isn't news. The same for all politicians; where has this idea that politicians should ALWAYS be perfect come from? Did we once have a theory that politicians are not human, but have in fact evolved from humans to become a perfect race of people who should be capable to run a country? If that's true, then something really has gone wrong.

One more thing to illustrate my point – George Bush. Now, there’s a man who ran a country for 8 years, despite the fact he is far from perfect, and made so many mistakes that if he had donated one dollar for every mistake, we wouldn’t be a recession be now. In comparison to him, Gordon Brown should be a member of Mensa!

Anywho, I feel much better now I’ve got that off my chest. It’s just irritated me keep hearing throughout the day on the news.

The Shame Of Britain Awards

Just to start, this in no way is mocking The Pride Of Britain Awards, just merely an idea which I've had, in which we can name and shame some of Britain's more shocking people. It can be made as a follow-up to Crimewatch if we wanted. It'd also be just as popular (if not more) than the Pride Of Britain Awards because it'd appeal to the Jeremy Kyle audience who like to watch dysfunctional people be humiliated infront of a national audience.

It would still be a very similar format, with Carol Vorderman wearing a skin tight dress, and he celebrity element would still be there; all sitting around tables with bottles of wine and piles of used tissues, which I assume where used for tears. Gordon Brown would still sit at the front trying to grin, Mr Twat (A.K.A. Piers Morgan) would still try and get in every camera shot he possibly could and Simon Cowell would still be there for everyone to make snide comments about. The event wouldn't be opened by a Dance group called Diversity, but instead a Dance group called Intolerance.

The idea would not to give them awards and hailing them a 'Hero' of our time, but would instead be given an envelope. Within the envelope, would be their jail sentence written on a piece of card. The card wouldn't be given to them by celebrities, and would instead be 'given' to them by footballers. Maybe not 'given', more tied around footballs and the footballers kick the ball in their face.

Now these people have done bad things, I'm not going to ask footballers to kick balls as hard as they can in the faces of normal people. People who have stolen handbags from old ladies, murders of single mums and hit and run drivers are smacked in the face with a ball inviting them to do N number of years inside a prison at Her Majesties Pleasure. These people are locked in cages at the side of the stage and are not allowed to look at the celebrities otherwise they get tasered in the eyes. Cruel, I know.
There would still be tears, so if you want a good cry, you could still watch this show. However, you wouldn't be crying with happiness and pride, but instead disgust and because you’ll find the tales repulsive, even if you have only got a small amount of morals. The good outcome of this idea would be that the criminals would be punished, and crime wouldn't be glamorised, and only the criminal minds who want a peak of Carol Vordermen's cleavage would commit crimes. Or at least that's what the idea is anyway.

This version would also make all the people who have done remarkable things, like rescuing families from over turned cars, campaigning for Cancer charities and being constantly selfless, look even better and make them more inspirational to people to be nicer and live in a world of harmony, or we can at least hope. Anyway, that's enough on the Shame Of Britain Awards, and now onto something much more positive, The Pride Of Britain Awards.

In a time where everyone is down and depressed, these kind of inspirational stories are heart-warming that people can actually be nice; someone doing the selfless act of running across a Motorway to save a family from their crashed car and a young boy who since getting extreme Leukaemia, has become very confident and is now a main campaigner for Great Ormonds Street Hospital. It's these kinds of stories that make you forget the bad, and hammer in the good points of humanity. Selfless teenagers are quite common also, which is surprising because from what the Media has told us, all teenagers are drunk and drugged up, and if they're female - pregnant.

Being my cynical self, I always think up negative points, and I like to play a game called 'Spot The Irony'. Naomi Cambell giving an ex-convict an award for turning his life around? Surely not! A bit of favouritism for Cheryl Cole aswell from the producers -not only did she give an award to someone with some of the other Girls Aloud members, but she also gave another award with the X-Factor entourage - I think she's after Vorderman's job.

Now I'm off too contact some TV Executives, and hope no-one has taken any offence to anything.

P.S. How can Gordon Brown still look like such a mug when he gives the inventor of the MRI machine an award?

P.P.S. Blog special coming soon.

Let’s Get A Lil Bit Political

Well everyone seems to be talking about the state of British politics and whether we should even have a parliament, and also everyone seems to be moaning to everyone else about the state of the country, if not the whole entire world, and how they would go about making it better. Well, surprisingly that is now what I am about to do, but without such a biased view - hopefully.

Today is Election Day, well the European and Local elections, where Labour are not exactly set to have record breaking success. Also, as usual, everyone gets into heated discussions about which party they will vote for, and other discussion along those lines. People sharing their opinion of who is to blame for the state of country this year, but I think the general consensus seems to be its Labour's fault.

Is there anything that doesn't result in David Cameron calling for a general election? Rhetorical question that, but he does seem to have said that every week for the past few years, mainly because he is at the top of the polls, showing that he would win, and the Conservatives would again lead us and put the reign of terror from Gordon and the Labour party at an end. However everyone is very against him and Labour for reasons I don't quite understand. Everyone's view is that we didn't vote for Gordon Brown to be leader, but the truth is you vote for the party, not the leader. That's the way British politics works, and that's why he is leader without us having voted for him. Another reason is that he is being blamed for things that aren't his fault, which he has tried his best to fix. This money scandal thing, is being blamed on him, and yet he must be the only one in the Houses of Parliament who hasn't swindled the money of country for his own personal gain, and now this coup business is all very hypocritical because some of the people wanting him out are actually ones who charged the tax payer to feed their cat in their second home.

So yes, the turmoil in The Houses of Parliament, which seems to be the catalysts for a lot of these discussions which are about the state of our country; the economic downturn for example or maybe the Government’s handling of Swine Flu or the current money scandal. People paying taxes for the politicians to spend it on duck islands, and cat food and fancy wood work for the outside of houses and hanging baskets and light bulbs; it's almost as if we've never heard of people taking advantage of their position, who'd have thought such a thing could happen. Honestly - this has been going on for years. Does secretaries stealing pens and mechanics fixing their own cars without all the heavy breathing sound familiar to you? If I'm honest, I don't think people actually appreciate how much hard work it can be for an MP, but they do say ignorance is bliss.

Another 'brilliant idea' is this new car initiative where you can trade in your old car which is 10 years or older for a new one with £2000 taken off the price is all to help the economy and reeve up the car industry, however they haven't exactly thought this through. The car industry isn't just dependant on the manufacture of new cars. It includes garages and the manufacture of spare parts. With less older cars, there will be less going wrong, which will mean the need for spares will decrease, as will the need for garages to fit the said spares, resulting in small business going bust. Plus the Government have to find £2000 for every person who participates in this. One big viscous circle they have found themselves in I think.

Joanna Lumley has defeated the labour party a few times recently, over this Ghurkha business and suddenly everyone thinks she should be Prime Minister, as if it was that simple. Did St. George become Prime Minister when he defeated the dragon? No, I don't believe he did, he just had a day named after him. If everyone became Prime Minister after achieving something we'd have had Jade Goody in number 10 and we would currently be under leadership of the dance group Diversity.
But back onto the politics, and let’s think about the prospect of Gordon Brown being the first Prime Minister to be dumped by e-mail shall we. Assuming they do succeed and we have a new PM by mid July, it really isn't going to go well with the public. As much as everyone seems to hate him, a new Prime Minister wouldn't be tolerated, as voters are already angry about having an unelected PM, so having another would be a disaster for the Labour party, who aren't exactly popular as it is.
Another effect of this coup, should it occur, is that there would be a great deal of pressure for an October election, and it wouldn't end happily for Labour, as they would lose a lot more seats. According to YouGov surveys yesterday, today's election results should leave them third, behind the Conservative party and UKIP, who seem to be increasing in popularity, because of the increasing racism Britain seems to be going through.

Now I face dilemma, do I carry on writing about my opinion of all this gibberish, which I could quite easily and quite happily do, or do I let you nice people go and get some sleep or get back to doing something more useful? I think I shall go for the latter.
So , Toodles m’dearys
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Stressed Backwards Spells Desserts Did You Know...

It seems like I've been eating too many doughnuts, biscuits, pafita rolls, muffins and other such delicious desserts, as they are obviously the cause of my recent (but now decreasing) stress levels. I did think that it may be due to it being the time of year when the exams are looming and coursework deadlines are nearing - but no, it's because of my sweet tooth. Actually, that's a ridiculous theory. Fine, my stress was caused by school related matters...

Even though Photography sounds like an easy subject and is considered by most to be a 'Doss' lesson, it's actually far from it, and I think has been a main source of my stress in the past few days - trying to get it all finished before the deadline. Waiting for the printer to print out my images in between it's hissy fits and tearing up tissue paper to make my folder look pretty. It's contributed I believe. Is there more of a manly experience than tearing up tissue paper I ask myself?
With rushing to stick down all my ideas in the form of images and writing about it, whilst still going to school and revising, it doesn't take long for one to have a mini breakdown, which consisted of a few tears and a nose bleed. All my photography is now done, albeit handed in two days late, and thus the reason for my stress levels decreasing.

Even though I have 2 exams remaining to conquer, they don't stress me the slightest bit, when technically they should, because they are stressing everyone else. Stress of any type is really uncommon for me though, because I am one these people who takes everything in their stride, and lets nothing bother them. Whereas everyone around gets worked up about exams, and the night before, revise so much that they forget what their name is and write the wrong one on the exam paper, I don't. I am always quietly confident, and exams have never stressed me, and I don't expect they ever will. The way I see it though, is that we need to start playing Enya in exams, which will hopefully relax everyone and hopefully the performance of pupils may increase... Or decrease if they all fall asleep.

I am in no way saying though that I've been more stressed than anyone else, because it's far from that. There are people in my school who in the past week have had to redo parts of their coursework, do multiple drama performance - one of which is marked by an examiner, and doing an English exam. Now that is what I call stress. I could get all satirical at this point and mention how all the MP's are stressed in case The Times newspaper uncovers that they too have been putting down silly expense claims. Maybe one of them put an expense in for a shredder, which they then used to shred all evidence of their expenses. Although, none of them would do that, would they?

I expect Gordon Brown has too been under a lot of stress the past few - years I suppose you'd say, with him being just as unpopular as every other MP in the country at the moment, although still remaining just above Piers Morgan in the popularity polls. Should he sack every cabinet member so only he is left? Should he himself resign? Should he call a general election and call for his own suicide too? Should he just keep quiet for a few weeks and hope it all blows over? Should he try and catch Swine Flu and gain the sympathy vote? These are all questions he has to ask himself, and there is no doubt about it, he must under rather a lot of stress. Maybe Enya should become the new speaker of the House of Commons, and every time it gets a bit heated she breaks into spontaneous 'singing'.

You can tell how stressed I am now though by the fact instead of spending my long weekend revising exams and what not, I spend the time watching Eurovision, watching 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' on DVD, writing and planning multiple blogs, sorting out other peoples love lives and many other things that don't include revision of any form. I've even been slowly munching my way through my last Easter Egg. I am glad that I'm no longer stressed, but I always feel guilty when I'm not stressed, and everyone around me is... Everyone around me has patches of baldness where they've been tearing their hair out, but I still have my beautiful, golden locks, metaphorically anyway, but I do have lovely hair.

Anyway, Toodles m’dearys
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