The Stuart Awards 2014

We're now a week into 2015, and for many, 2014 is just a distant memory. However, despite having nothing better to do, I've only just found the time to sit down and decide who to give the following awards to.

2014 was quite a year, wasn't it? A lot of news happened. Hacking got big this year, and it helped us to see lots of private naked pictures of celebrities, and gave an apparently terrible film, a lot of press. The world became panicked by Ebola, and threatened by ISIS/ISIL/IS. Our phones started appearing on our wrists, as well as the decision by Windows to skip 9, and start developing version 10 of their operating software. This year, we also learned that Tesco cannot count, just like they couldn't tell the difference between a horse and a cow in 2013.

So, let's see what I felt in my infinite wisdom was deserving of praise, in my 7th awards ceremony.

Music

Most Annoying Song of the Year: It's a song which is supposed to empower women everywhere, by singing loudly about the size of their bum, as well as sexual prowess and consent. It is essentially the female version of Blurred Lines. The song Bang Bang - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj goes one step further by repeating the words 'Bang bang…' over, and over, again, just to make sure it's the last thing you hear before you go to sleep, like a horrendous lullaby.

Over-Played Song of the Year: Of course, I could just Let It Go, Let It Go, but I can't. It's everywhere. If 2014 is going to be remembered by one thing, it's going be Let It Go - Idina Menzel, and Olaf.

Guilty Pleasure of the Year: It may have taken four albums, but I have finally become able to enjoy One Direction. Their single this year, Steal My Girl, is a very catchy and mature-sounding song (despite them not understanding that women are not objects to be owned), and is one of my favourite songs of the year. Sorry.

Song of the Year: This was actually a difficult one to award, but I've decided on Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran. It's a very beautiful song that was destined to be a hit.

Album of the Year: So Maroon 5 released an album this year that was very good, so that would normally be my go-to winner. But this year, I couldn't. I've opted instead for Christina Perri - Head or Heart as it is a great album, where every song is very good, and as a complete package, it's a winner.

Union of the Year - Last year McBusted announced that two bands would become one, but it was in 2014 when they toured and wrote an album, and both were a lot of fun, taking me back to when I was 11 years old.

TV/Film

Drama of the Year: It's easy to forget (and I nearly did), but we were only a few hours into 2014 when the latest series of Sherlock made its way onto our television screens. Great intrigue, and plot twists that were carried out beautifully. I WANT MORE!

Series of the Year. I'm yet to watch the first series, but this year's Peaky Blinders was absolutely brilliant. As I have said in a previous blog post, it had great acting and a story that others would be jealous of. No doubt, it's a winner. I just need to get hold of the first series now. I would normally give this award to Doctor Who, and Capaldi triumphed as one of the strongest Doctor Who's yet, but it's good to mix things up.

Sitcom of the Year: I don't think we had a particularly rich year for TV Comedy during 2014. Others will disagree. But I didn't find the 'funniest' sitcoms of year, funny. However, it has been saved over the past few weeks. I only discovered the first series of The Wrong Mans over the past month or so, and I thought it a great example. It was a perfect mix between drama and comedy. Over Christmas, they had two hour-long specials which rounded off the whole affair nicely, with an even more gripping story full of jeopardy.

Film of the Year: I never think of myself as much of a film buff, but every year when I look back at the films I have seen, I surprise myself, and again, I had a few contenders. However, I decided Dawn of the Planet of the Apes to be my winner. It's horrifying, because you can't help but think 'WHAT IF?' Anyway, it has a great story, has an interesting viewpoint on society, and you can never fully decide whether to root for the humans or the apes…

Children's Film of the Year: I say 'Children's' loosely, because I believe it's a fine example of a good, funny, and entertaining film. But alas, The Lego Movie was very good, and it was something I could relate to completely, and enjoyed massively because of its use of parody as well.

Celebrity

Death of the Year: Nothing can beat the huge outpouring of genuine sorrow at the news of hearing Robin Williams had tragically killed himself. I don't think I have, or ever will, witness such a reaction to the death of a celebrity. It's clear to see how much he was, and still is, loved by audiences across the globe.

Bum of the Year: There have been many reported sightings of the large object, and Kim Kardashian's Rear is probably more famous than herself. Whether you've seen it photoshopped or as nature intended, she's still quite an arse.

'Who Cares' of the Year: Justin Bieber. Just, who cares anymore?

Journalism/Politics

Scare of the Year: New outlets across the Western world have done a fine job in spreading panic amongst people who are incredibly unlikely to contract the virus, Ebola. It took a long time for them to seemingly realise it's existence in Africa, but as soon as an American got it, widespread panic ensued; despite it being mostly concentrated to just three countries.

News Coverage of the Year: The story about the missing Malaysian flight, MH370, is a story which has had the whole world gripped. Despite the fact that everyone quickly became a expert regarding aviation, there was a lot of news coverage which spoke in depth, and helped us to gain an understanding.

Surprise of the Year: UKIP. I didn't expect the year they had, and I don't suppose they did either. They're quiet incredible, but not necessarily for good reasons.

Meal of the Year: Last year saw George Osbourne eating a burger. This year, we had Ed Milliband eating a bacon sandwich.

Bandwagon of the Year: Everyone now hates the Immigrants even more. Let's blame everything on them and tell exactly where Europe can stick them.

General

Thing I Don't Understand of the Year: Phones. Companies are simultaneously making phones bigger, and smaller. At the same time as being able to buy a phone which you can wear like a watch, you can buy phones that are so big they don't fit in your pocket, and you fear answering it too quickly in case you knock yourself out.

Charity Disguised as Selflessness of the Year: The Ice Bucket Challenge was very popular online, and I am pleased that no-one volunteered me to do it. It was one of those things, just like the #NoMakeUpSelfie, that people did just to make themselves look good in front of all their friends on Facebook.

Obsession of the Year: The film Frozen has picked up its second award from this blog. I just cannot Let It Go, Let It Gooo. I like the film, but I just not sure it is deserving of all the hype it has garnered.

And there you have it, the 2014 awards have come to an end. 2015 is already looking to be a busy year, what with both a Royal baby from Wills and Kate, and a 'Cumberbaby' from Benedict, expected. Free Speech is also looking to be a hot topic, and it will be a politically-interesting year, as we see who will be Prime Minister from May onwards.

Maybe we will meet again this time next year, and do this whole pointless charade again. However, until then, I hope your 2015 has been, and continues to be, a great year. And if not, just Let It Go...

April: The Month Stuff Happened

Well, I suppose April 2013 will be written in quite a few history books over the years. Some might say that it hasn't exactly been a slow news month. This month has seen my Godson turn 1, the upgrading of our Broadband package and me getting a few articles published in a local newspaper. As important as these things are to me, they are not events that are going to make it into the history books.

One of the most devastating stories was the Boston bombs on the 15th of April. The tragic scenes were shared around the world within minutes, and thanks to the Internet, I had pictures filling up my Twitter feed. I love being on Twitter to watch stories like this develop, however, it is never long before people start making inappropriate jokes and flexing their Photoshop skills. Things inevitably begin to turn ugly, and soon you can't believe anything. As someone else rather eloquently put it:

Twitter does its best work in the first five minutes after a disaster, and its worst in the twelve hours after that.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) April 15, 2013

Now That's What I Call Leveson

The news of the past few days has looked like a collection of the 'Best Bits' from the past 18 months. We've had the classic hits of Hugh Grant ruthlessly seeking vengeance on News Corp and The Mirror. Kate and Gerry McCann have made a long awaited comeback to point the stick at Mr Investigative Journalism for being accused by British Media of murdering their child Madeline. The one hit wonder of Christopher Jefferies who won libel damages for his wrongful arrest in the case of Jo Yeates' murder, has come back, looking better than ever (presumably spending his cash). Even political hits have been replayed such as in-depth discussion about Jeremy Hunt's involvement in the BSkyB and whether the coalition is set to burst.

The Stuart Awards 2011

The biggest and least exciting annual awards ceremony is here. Welcome, to The Stuart Awards 2011. For the fourth year running now, I give out awards for the best and worse things to happen in the world for that year. The recipient of each award has been through lots of consultation, in which I had the one and only say in who gets the award. As you may be aware, the award is only imaginary, and generally the recipient of each award is completely ignorant to the fact that they have won it. So, let us commence with the first category:

Music

Most Annoying Song Of The Year: Most will probably disagree with this first winner, as most claim it to be a beautiful piece of music in which any person can 'emotionally connect' with. Horse Manure! Adele - Someone Like You, has won this award. In part, because it has been massively overplayed and overrated, but it is mostly because it is just drivel. The only way I would be likely to enjoy this piece of music, is if it were sung by a choir of dogs being castrated while having cats dangled in front of them.

Disappointing Song Of The Year: Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger is surprisingly awarded this. Now, let me just clarify: I love Maroon 5, and they are my favourite band. I really liked this song to start. However, now it has been over played, I feel has failed to stand the test time within just 6 months. To me, they have a lot of making up to do…

Song Of The Year: Again, rather surprisingly, Coldplay - Paradise win this award. It has just been caught on my mind since I first heard it. I'm not the greatest Coldplay fan, but it just seems a brilliant piece of music to me. I love the build-up to the song, and I love the burst of 'Para… Para… Paradise'. How great it is.

Song Of A Few Years Ago Which I Began To Like This Year: He is gay and was a competitor on American Idol: Adam Lambert - Fever. This was a song I found in a long twisted way which I will not divulge into, but all I say is find him singing it live on YouTube (so long as you're not homophobic). It's very good. Also, I would actually recommend his album too.

Album Of The Year: He's an Englishman living in France, and he had produced one of the happiest and cheerful albums I have possibly ever heard, with every song being catchier than the common cold: Julian Perretta - Stitch Me Up. Technically, it was released last year, but I can't help if I found it this year. It is a brilliant album which I actually do recommend to everyone. It has what I call a 'messy beat', but that adds to its charm, and I just love it.

Most Disappointing Album Of The Year: This honour goes to an album which I didn't buy or download, and I didn't even manage to force myself to listen to all the songs on YouTube. Arctic Monkeys - Suck It And See was liked by a lot of people, but to me it 'Sucked'. They are a band which have slipped into irrelevance and are sinking into a sea of rubbish 'cool' bands. I shall just stick to listening to Favourite Worst Nightmare. They will never top that one again…

Film & TV

Most Irritating And Largely Unnoticed Revival Of The Year: Big Brother on Channel 5. Last year, it won Best TV Moment Of The Year for the fact it had actually ended. This year, I have with no regret, taken the award away from them. It came back to life on another channel, and was on for almost the entire year. However, it seems that no-one really took any notice as I heard very little about it after the few weeks.

Worst Film Remake Of The Year: Wuthering Heights. Simple. I wrote a blog bemoaning how they forgot huge chunks and how it was filmed by art students trying to make some inadvertent point through soft focus and moths. It was just terrible, and the audience at the cinema seemed to agree.

Second Worst Film Remake Of The Year: The runner up to the previous award was almost as bad, and I felt deserving of the award too. The Witches Of Oz was made in the US and released over here on DVD. My girlfriend, being a fan of musicals, brought it, and we watched it; all 167 minutes of it. Basically, Dorothy, through some hurricane-time-travel crap, is living in modern day New York with no memory of the event, but with the help of rubbish acting and dated CGI technology, the worlds collide. Then through some terrible writing and awful acting, you'll regret ever watching it.

Drama Of The Year: Black Mirror. Sceptics might say this is because I am a Charlie Brooker obsessive, but it isn't. That may be why I originally watched it, but all three stories were heart-wrenching, at the same as being disturbing in this alternate, technology revolved universe. Amazing pieces of writing.

Film Of The Year: You may notice a pattern over the few years of these awards, but I am a very large kid. Johnny English: Reborn is very worthy of this tribute. It is just everything I want in a film: It's silly. It's funny. It's serious. It's fast. It's clever. It's a spoof. It has Rowan Atkinson.

US Import Of The Year: The Big Bang Theory, which won a similar award back in 2008. It has the potential to be the next Friends, and I just laugh at every episode with it being clever, original and silly all at the same time. Sure, it has the same formula as all American Sitcoms, but it is just so very funny. It even has a catchphrase: BAZINGA!

Comedy Of The Year: Up until a week or so ago, this award was going to Outnumbered, which would have been its third Stuart Award. However, The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff, which was on BBC 2 in the build-up to Christmas, had so many perfect comedy performances, from the experienced to the young, that it had me constantly laughing for the entire hour. It was rather remarkable.

Comedy Disgrace Of The Year: Mrs Brown's Boys. If you tell me it's funny, I will personally bang you over the head with a tin serving plate until blood pours from your eyes and see if you are still pissing yourself at how funny it is, with it being done over and over and over and over and over again.

Series Of The Year: I cannot leave Doctor Who out of my awards, so I have made one especially for it to win. The whole series was gripping with its storyline, and it was jammed pack with mystery and intrigue, as well as the usual Doctor Who tomfoolery. As much as I have a chip on my shoulder about Steven Moffat, I have to admit he is great at writing a brilliant story.

Celebrity

Celebrity Death Of The Year: This goes to Amy Winehouse, purely just because I found it how remarkably unapologetic the whole of Twitter was when it was revealed that she did not die as a result of drink nor drugs, after the weeks of shameless judging they threw on her coffin instead of roses.

Original Band Publicity Of The Year: I am quite intrigued by how McFly have achieved this over the past few months, with two of them winning two separate Celebrity shows: I'm A Celebrity… and Strictly Come Dancing. They didn't need to do those shows, but they did, and they won. It's made them rather popular I believe.

'How The Hell Are The Famous' Of The Year: It is hard to choose just one winner for this award, so every single person who has appeared on a 'Fake Documentary' on E4, ITV 2 and MTV win this award. I fail to see how anyone can be a fan of someone who has appeared on The Only Way Is Essex.

Journalism

Scandal Of The Year: Yeah, need I even tell you? Yes, it's the News of the World Phone Hacking scandal. It could be widened to almost all newspapers now, but nothing seems to have quite topped the fact that within a week of the news being released, News of the World were publishing their last ever newspaper.

Phone Hacking Revelation Of The Year: Millie Dowler. The dreadful business of NotW listening to distraught messages of her friends and family trying to get into contact with her is just rather upsetting. But hey, take solace in the fact that they weren't the ones to actually delete the messages…

Revenge Of The Year: This goes to Hugh Grant, in which he 'hacked' a Journalist, Paul McMullan, who revealed all the journalism misdoings, in revenge for the same journalist 'hacking' a conversation they had. Read it, it is quite interesting.

Article Of The Year: Well, it has to go to The Daily Mail's Liz Jones for writing a disturbing article in which she talks about how she stole sperm from her husband in a desperate bid to have a baby: 'The craving for a baby that drives women to the ultimate deception: Liz Jones makes her most shocking confession yet'. Read it, it's just disturbing...

Politics

Political Death Of The Year: Well, I have no idea who to award this too. It could go to one of three 'political enemies': Osama Bin Laden, Gaddafi or Kim Jong-il. All have their reasons for being deserving of this award. In fact, they can share. Their dead anyway… And if I hear one more joke about Team America existing, I will kill that person who utters it.

Useless Currency Of The Year: The Euro. This year, it became more unpopular than Jedward, and just like Jedward, if you see the Euro currency arrive on your doorstep, you'll want to douse it in petrol and flick a lighted match at it.

Uprising Of The Year: The Arab Springs. It went pretty well; as such. The problem is that people got killed amongst it. Terrible business.

General

Over Reaction Of The Year: The uproar following Jeremy Clarkson appearing on The One Show was just disastrous, and utterly pointless with it just being an excuse for the public sector unions to complain that no-one cares about their pensions. Well, you know what: You're right. We pretty much don't.

Royal Wedding Of The Year: The one people cared about. You see there were two royal weddings this year, and basically, people only cared about the Kate/William wedding. Bless that posh lady who married a rugby player…

Pointless Use Of 24 Hours News Of The Year: The London Riots. Almost every news channel became too paranoid to set foot outside, so made general assumptions for over 100 hours about the whole event from their studios, based purely on people calling in and what was being said on Twitter.

Twitterer Of The Year: This goes to, for another year, a comedian and not someone who actually adds anything much positive to the World of Twitter. This year, the comedian being flattered is in a relationship with Sarah Millican. It's Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) and he spews outs lots of awful, one line jokes.

Girlfriend Of The Year: Mine! N’awwww, ain’t I adorable…

And there you have it; the end of the blogging award ceremony in which 30 awards were handed out in my mind, and then written down so you can also join me in imagining the event in your minds. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Maybe by next year, for The Stuart Awards 2012, I would have struck a deal with Ricky Gervais to present the ceremony… Come on Gervais, I will offer you no money: None at all!

March Madness

There have been plenty of slow news weeks. Even slow news months. The past month has probably been the complete opposite with so much happening, the news has struggled to fit it all in. Obviously we've had the Japanese Earthquake which has resulted in weeks of footage enforcing the destructive force left in its wake. We started a 'war' in Libya because it's been too long since we bombed another country which lots of oil. London has been hit by what are becoming trademark protests over money and lots of graffiti is used. There's been a double murder, with one victim being a woman who left a nightclub at 3am; a fact constantly told to us and repeatedly proved by CCTV footage. A 'Supermoon' loomed over the horizon for the first time in 11 years. The biggest news of all is that petrol is 1p cheaper, and thanks to that, I can afford a Mediterranean holiday!

Of course I can't afford a Mediterranean holiday. I haven't even got a passport...

I'm not going to jabber on about the Japanese Earthquake and subsequent disasters because I've already written in great length about that in my previous blog. However, I would just like to point one thing out to my local County Council. Three months after the cold weather, we still have roads smothered in bloody pot holes, and when they are finally repaired, they're done so poorly, that the road crumbles again as soon as a cyclist travels over it. The Japanese: Within a week of the tsunami, a road which was destroyed by its destructive force, was rebuilt and open. Shaming us Brits: It's the Japanese way...

In just a week!

There is one question which no-one really knows the answer to at the moment: Are we actually at war? The way I read it, the short and technical answer is probably no; not for now atleast. However, we are doing nothing to help international relations with Libya, and if you look at our current bombing habits, it's hard to not think we're at war. The English, American and French coalition are actually only enforcing a no-fly zone. This means, that no flights are currently, legally allowed to occur in the airspace above Libya. That’s simple enough. That just means we attack planes that break this rule in an attempt to keep civilians safe. Of course it's not that simple! America is involved. They seem to think that life is actually just a real game of Black Ops or some other war game with similarity. Just shoot anyone who has a vaguely coloured tone, just in case. "They're covered in dust? Better shoot just to be sure”.

An American plane came into difficulties and crashed near a village. The pilots parachuted safely. The locals welcomed the American's and even celebrated how they were helping their country. Then, during a mission to rescue said pilots by American troops, six villagers were shot and injured, including a young boy who lost a leg. An accident they call it. How does that even happen? America is just not happy unless they're shooting at people of a different race.

This does seem like this is going to end in much the same way as Iraq and Afghanistan; which is what people are worried about. We're forcing a country to abide by our rules. Sure, Gaddafi is a bit 'crazy'. I thought we were past the times when a leader would kill his country's citizens because they disagreed with him. Now, there is a debate about how involved we should become in this. Technically, it's illegal for us to give arms to the Libyan people to overthrow the Government. David Cameron still wants to do it though. However, we gave Afghanistan arms in the 90's, and look how that ended. This is a very complex issue which I know not enough about to be able to write more about before becoming inaccurate, boring and just writing gobbledegook.

Next issue on this month’s agenda: The London Protests.

London. It's such a wonderful, beautiful city. Apart from when a small selection of society decide to smash up shops, throw ammonia at policemen, vandalising historic monuments and just generally make profanities of themselves.

The March 2011 protests were about the recent budget cuts. 250,000 respectable citizens marched through the streets of London holding placards to make their point, whilst keeping within the law and having fun. The news repeatedly referred to it as a 'carnival atmosphere'. Then, a couple hundred people turned up disguised in balaclavas, and thought they would undermine the respectable citizens in their aim, by trashing London. As soon as the media found these events scattered across London, the media concentrated on them instead. Suddenly, the majority are forgotten once again.

Let me share a few figures. 66 people were injured; including 13 police. 214 protestors were arrested. That final figure is awful. I understand some of the anger by these protests, in that they attacked the shops, banks and hotels which avoid paying taxes in some shape or form. However, vandalising really isn't helping. Why does this always have to happen? We're a civilised community in this country, and a small percentage just wants to be violent.

Let's forget the protests that are 'fighting' for our future, and just concentrate on the main issue. Like everyone, I disapprove of the budget cuts, but I appreciate that it needs to be done, and maybe it could have been enforced slowly over a longer period, but let's just get over it, carry on with our lives and just be more conservative with our money. Could be worse; we could have just been hit by a huge earthquake and tsunami which killed thousands and destroyed life as we know it...

Labour seem somewhat hypocritical in all this however. I hear you cry 'But Stuart, politicians are never hypocritical. That word doesn't even appear in their dictionaries!" Yes dear reader, it's true. They're thinking about winning back more local council positions in the upcoming elections and are looking ahead to the future when they bid for power of the country again. They want people to like them again, and they're doing that by declaring that what Cameron and his followers are doing, is wrong. However, weren't Labour planning cuts nearly as bad? Yes, yes they were. They seem to have carefully forgotten that fact... Hmm.

Those have been the main points for March, but so much more has happened, and 2011 is proving to be such a busy year. However, I have limited knowledge, limited time and limited motivation to write a huge blog, decrying how awful life is becoming!

In April, we can looks forward to Easter Egg scoffing, a royal wedding and much more I expect...

Newsnight On Speed

I watched the first edition of 10 o'clock Live, and I needed to relieve some of the frustrations I gained from watching it, so, here is my 10 o'clock Live Review:

David Mitchell, Charlie Brooker, Lauren Laverne and Jimmy Carr. I don't think Laverne can even sneer properly... 

I love and adore Charlie Brooker.

I love and adore David Mitchell.

I rather quite like Jimmy Carr.

Lauren Laverne was on Channel Four’s 10 O’clock Live too...

"10 O'Clock Live will provide a fresh and unashamedly intelligent take on current affairs from a young perspective", is what was said in the shows build up by the commissioning editor. However, I felt let down and disappointed after watching it.

For weeks Channel Four have been building this show up, and for weeks I have been looking forward to the shows start. It sort of ended up feeling like a Goldfish which has leapt out of his bowl; it lays there not moving but occasionally dances around full of life for a little while and calming down again. Parts of the show were dull and boring, such as Laverne attempting satire or Carr making unoriginal jokes about the week. The dancing occurs when Mitchell interviews a politician or Brooker point’s fun at news figures.

The main problem I had with the show was that they tried to fit far too much into it. Just as something became interesting or David Mitchell had backed the bankers into the corner of a bank and started a fierce debate, it was time to wrap up for the adverts or maybe even Lauren Laverne.

The jokes weren't that 'cutting edge' either; it’s the same old ones. Point and laugh at the banks. Sneer at those suited-up Tories. Go on, cringe at Sarah Palin's patriotism because we just told you too. I mean, Jimmy Carr was only on the show because he is the comedy go-to guy for Channel Four. There must be some kind of contract which states that he has to be in all forms of witty comedy on Channel Four. And Lauren Laverne? Lauren Laverne? Really? Was there some issue of the show having too many testacies and not enough ovaries, and just hired the cheapest female comedian they could get for fifteen consecutive Thursday's?

I know I only really watched the show for Mitchell's rants and for Brooker's observations. I didn't watch the show for the other two really. I was amazed at how great David Mitchell was at interviewing and getting the answers. Jeremy Paxman, when you die, we know who is getting your job. Also, was it just me who thought Charlie Brooker looked extremely bored throughout? That quiff as well; if he turned around any quicker, Laverne would have to start walking with a Labrador and a white stick.

This show came from Channel Four's Alternative Election Night, in which the quartet of comedians done a very similar show satirising the election. That was a great show which I enjoyed. That was a lot longer. I understand that Channel Four want this show to be part of the political TV weekly schedule, along with Question Time and Newsnight. This show has the potential to join in with the big boys; this show will bring politics to the younger generation. I mean, it's only had one episode. It has plenty of time to mature. To improve. To learn. To grow into a show which may last years and have the big political names to go in an attempt to acknowledge the young voters.

However, I am half expecting a future Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe episode to critique, in a much better way than I, 10 O’clock Live. I actually want there to be a show with just Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell. They could just rant in their usual misanthropic way at today's society. I think that would be a great show.

I'm not sure about the audience either. Did they think they were sitting in The X Factor studios? All they seemed to do was cheer and boo. Banker says something negative. BOOOO. David Mitchell strikes back with a satirical point. YAAAAY. You don't get that sort of behaviour on Question Time. Just calm down will you!

Also, the camera angles. As soon as a point being made by an interviewee becomes slightly tedious, we have lots of different camera shots which pan across the table and zoom in and out. Again, you don't get that sort of thing on Question Time. A comedy show is allowed to have serious point making, but Channel Four don't seem to understand that and think their audience will get bored if something doesn't change. I hate that about TV shows. I just want to watch and pay attention to the speaker, and now I can't see him because you're swooshing away from his face. Oh, now he's had to shut up with his serious point because Lauren Laverne wants to talk again.

I will still watch the upcoming 14 episodes, despite my negative thoughts, because I know it will improve. They just need to slow it down and not rush it. Get rid of segments from the show. Maybe even loss a certain blonde presenter from Radio 6. I don't know, but Channel 4 need to do something because I'm not sure it can be successful the way the first episode was. I mean, that's what we need to remember; it is only the first episode after all; and it’s live.

I might have a slight crush on the guy; but not in a gay way, more in an admiration way... Yeah.

If you cannot wait until the next episode for a bit of Charlie Brooker cynicism, then watch 'How TV Ruined Your Life' on BBC 2, Tuesday, 22:00.

In the words of Charlie Brooker: “That’s all we’ve got time for, now go away!”

The Stuart Awards 2010

We are 'enjoying' our last day of the year 2010, and it is time for the annual and greatly unanticipated Stuart Awards. These are awards which are made out of 100% imagination and 'awarded' to those people, objects and events which were either the most annoying or greatest of their category, during the year of 2010. Here are the final results:

Music

Most Annoying Song Of The Year: This award could go to so many songs. Many songs were close contenders for this song. However, after very little deliberation, I'm decided that Willow Smith - Whip My Hair is the most annoying song. It also is the most repetitive and the worst video of the year. Yes, we understand daughter of Will Smith, you like to whip that hair of yours, backwards and forwards, over and over again. Geez.

Song Of The Year: This is a song that you probably will not have heard of, so I suggest you have a listen. Barenaked Ladies - Four Seconds. It is very catchy with its somewhat random and sporadic beat. It ends too soon with the song only lasting just over two minutes.

My New Favourite Old Song Of The Year: Well, this is a song I heard while wandering around B&Q and became stuck in my head for the following months. Prince - Raspberry Beret is the song in question. A song about a woman wearing a reddish hat is essentially the synopsis of the song. I also rather like the imagery of a woman wearing a raspberry beret and not 'wearing much more'. Yes, anyway...

My Album Of The Year: This will not come as much of a surprise to people who have been regularly reading my blogs or know me reasonably well, but this award goes to Maroon 5 - Hands All Over. It is brilliant. It was closely followed by Barenaked Ladies - All In Good Time, but the fact I only like the first four songs, kind of ruins the point of an album of songs.

Most Disappointing Album Of The Year: This is the fastest selling album of the decade I believe; which I am completely miffed about. Take That - Progress gets this award. If this was their debut album, they would never make another album again; let alone tour. It is a short album, with songs which are dreadful. Underground Machine - What the heck? Letting that egotistical mongrel back into the group was the worst thing Take That have ever done.

Film & TV

Best Sequel Of The Year: This is such an obvious winner really. In fact, so obvious that I was considering not even typing the answer, but you wouldn't get that with the Oscars, would you? Anyway, so the award goes to Toy Story 3. This film also wins numerous other awards;

Best 3D Movie Of The Year: This goes to Toy Story 3, partly because the adverts prior to the movie were really good in 3D, and partly because it is the only ever film I've seen 3D, not only this year, but in my life.

Movie Of The Year: Well, it's Toy Story 3.

Worse Sequel Of The Year: This goes to a television program. An American television program. Most surprising is that this program won My TV Obsession of last Year. It goes to Scrubs Series 9: Med School. I love Scrubs; well the first 8 series. The final one should not have been allowed to be made. It was essentially a very bad tribute act. It still had its occasional humorous moments with Dr. Cox's presence, but nothing comparable to the previous series.

The Film Which Went on Too Long: This went to Harry Potter last year, but not this year due to it being rather enjoyable. Instead, the award goes to Eclipse, from The Twilight Saga. It just failed to capture me and continued to drag on.

Drama Of The Year: Obviously goes to Sherlock on BBC 1. It was disappointingly only three episodes this year, but those three episodes were absolutely fantastic, and a lot of people agree. Anyway, read my blog is you want to know everything I thought about it.

Regeneration Of The Year: This only had one contender, and that was Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor. He had big, cliché shoes to fill in following David Tennant, but I think everyone is amazed at how brilliant he has turned out.

Sitcom Of The Year: Well, this is really hard. There have been no new Sitcoms which have actually captured my attention. Hardly any continuing Sitcoms have lived up to expectation. Only one Sitcom has, and they won the same award in 2008. It is the only consistent Sitcom which offers laughs. Outnumbered.

Most Annoying Program: This is a shocker. I like Ant & Dec, but 'Ant & Dec Push The Button' may have helped them in the direction of their ending career. Such a disappointing show, and the fact that other people liked it, seemed to annoy me the most.

Best TV Moment of the Year: This is also a big shocker. You never thought that this show would win an award. It just has. Big Brother! The best television moment of the year was specifically the final 5 minutes. Davina cried, hugged a few people, credits rolled, and Big Brother has left British Television!

Celebrity

Celebrity Death Of The Year: This goes to an animal who resided in Germany, who came to fame during the World Cup. Yes, Paul the Octopus wins the award due to him being popular for being able to predict football results correctly. He dies just a few months after, and he wins this award because I have never seen such pointless coverage of a death since Jade Goody last year.

Most Annoying Celebrity Couple: This award doesn't go to a couple who are engaged in a relationship, but a pair who share the media attention and have annoyed us this year. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakey. First they snubbed the BBC for ITV, then their show got record low viewership, and the continued coverage of this charade made them more annoying; especially whenever Adrian spoke.

Most Annoying Celebrity: Lois Spence wins this award, as well as the Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year award. He cannot walk, he has to prance everywhere. He is on every channel and invading nearly every program. He has rather an irritating voice and he has to be the centre of attention; even when he done something for charity. This is a 'man' who should be shoved in a dark cellar and forced to create a dance for an N-Dubz song until he eventually becomes malnourished and dies, alone. He has grated my brain until I can convey nothing but irritation for him and whatever he does.

Christine Bleakey in her Dalek costume...

Politics

Best & Worst Newcomer: Nick Clegg. He spent the first few months of the year being one of the most popular people in politics. Everyone liked him. He was the underdog with a chance of doing quite well in elections. Gordon Brown wanted to be just like him. Then, it all went wrong. He is now one of the most hated faces of politics at the latter end of the year.

Coalition of the Year: I am forced to give this award to PC World and Currys. No-one expected them to win a politics award, but they were owned by the same company, who later decided to have them as one entity. They weren't even a contender for this award, but to give it to our ConDem Government would indirectly praise it.

Budget Cut Of The Year: Well, there were a lot of contenders in this category, what with their being over £80Billion cut this year. It could go to the Police, who were already struggling to cope. However, I think just the resulting protests, it goes to Education; or more specifically, University funding. What does it matter if they don't get as much money? I mean, they're only educating the future generations which will run the country in years to come.

General Awards

My Favourite Twitterer Of The Year: This award goes to Tony Cowards; @TonyCowards. He has been described as 'The Tim Vine of Twitter' and a 'Pun-osaurus', he is brilliantly funny and excessively Tweets, so you are always inundated with some of the best worst jokes.

Cloud Of The Year: For the disruption it done, this award goes to The Icelandic Volcanic Ash Cloud which infiltrated British and European airspace for about a week or so. It left thousands of people stranded in foreign countries, with the only way to get home being to carpool to France then catch a train and get to England. Sounds cheap and simple, but I don't expect it was either.

Most Disruptive Water-Based Element Of The Year: This goes to Snow; that white stuff that falls from the sky mainly during the winter when it is particularly cold outside. This brought the country to a standstill, every single time.

It Doesn't Do What It Says On The Box Of The Year: Sensodyne Whitening Toothpaste wins this much wanted award. Its purpose is to clean teeth, relieve sensitive teeth and continue to whiten them. It does none. My teeth just got dirtier, my teeth got yellower and I still had the same level of pain. Is there actually any point in them filling the tube with toothpaste? They may as well sell it empty.

Pointless Use Of 24 Hours News: This is being awarded to two different occasions. The first being the Raoul Moat coverage. It was a week of portraying a crazed man with a gun as the biggest threat to society since the Taliban. This angered him more. The final day with a seven hour standoff against police was covered. That's seven hours of speculations and interviewing people who knew nothing and phoning scared people near the event to relay details. The second award goes to The Chilean Miners. That was two months of being mentioned every day on the news, until the climax of them being freed, when all 33 miners were shown being released back into the wild. It was like Big Brother in that the news went to great lengths to find out lots of information about them, so we had sympathy. Both were just completely unnecessary.

There you have it. The Stuart Awards for 2010. Some you will agree with, others you will think I am on some kind of drug which has impaired my brain power. Well, I'm taking a lot of Paracetamol at the moment, so you might be correct. Anyway, I hope you agree mostly, and have enjoyed these non-televised awards. I will see you back here next year for The Stuart Awards 2011.

It's Snowing, It's Flurrying...

...The Old Man Isn't Snoring As He Has Frozen To Death.

It is getting to the point where I think I may have mentioned the word 'snow' in this blog this year, more than I've mentioned the words 'Jade Goody', and that is a worrying fact.

We are nearly at the end of our countries second heavy snow fall this winter. Ten months previously, we were in the middle of our biggest snow fall for many years. The country just stopped for a few days. You would have thought ten months would be enough time to recover and prepare for the worse to happen again. The phrase is to 'learn from our mistakes', but did we succeed in doing that? Did we ‘eck!

The politicians have explained a lot over the past month why our country still fails to cope at the first signs of snow; we don't get snow regularly enough and it doesn't last long. That is a very fair point to make Mr ConDem Man. So what if it has snowed the previous three years. It didn't snow for years prior to that. Everyone believed in Global Warming back then. Now that we have the snow back, we seem to have forgotten about that inconvenient truth Al Gore told us all about years ago.

We Brits are the most hypocritical nation. It doesn't snow during the winter; we moan that it didn't snow. If it does snow, we moan about how we have been inconvenienced by the weather. We have a cold and rainy summer, we moan about it. We have a boiling and sunny summer; we moan it's too hot. We spend all of winter waiting for summer to come and melt away the snow, then we spend all of summer waiting for winter so we can festive snow, and from there on, it continues year in, year out. We complain about our Labour Government and Gordon Brown, but then we can't decide who we really want in power instead. Then we settle for a ConDem Government with David Cameron and Nick Clegg, and we moan about them instead.

Anyway, something which is pointed out by the 'News' and their 'investigative reports' is that other countries cope perfectly well with snow. Switzerland, for example, a country which spends a majority of the year under snow, keeps their airports open. People in Denmark, for example, still manage to drive their cars in snow lasting a few months. We compare 2 to 3 weeks of snow, to them. Switzerland keep their airports open with equipment costing millions of Swiss Franc's, due to the fact that without that expense, no-one would be able to hardly ever leave or enter the country. Denmark makes it a law that everyone switches to Winter Tyres at a certain date every year to be able to cope with their freezing winters. It's cost effective for those countries.

For our country, the implications of ensuring every driver changes their tyres twice a year would cost a huge amount of money which we do not have. Spending millions of pounds on Airport Snow Clearing Equipment would be spending money we do not have. For a few weeks of disruption a year, it is never going to be cost effective, especially with the Budget-cutting Tories in power. Just get over. Buy a sledge and have some fun instead of moping about that it has snowed. Take pictures of the beautiful landscape which the snow gives us. Just don't sit at home and emailing the BBC to complain about the state of our country.

Here are two examples of lovely snow landscapes taken by yours truely.

However, to take a slightly hypocritical view to the above paragraphs; why is our country so useless as coping with snow and cold weather? Trains are cancelled and the ones that do run are hours late or get stuck in the middle of nowhere for 7 hours. Every airport closes for days. No-one can drive in a straight line without nearly crashing into another driver because the council decided to not grit certain roads. People can't even walk down the street without fearing for their lives.

The snow affected me too you know. I had to drive in that snow. At night. When it was falling out of the sky quick and hard. On roads with no grit and doing no more than 20mph on a road which would usually have people travelling at over 60mph. I did well to drive the 10 miles in these conditions without so much as a tyre going out of place. Then, I approach a roundabout where a Land Rover driver decides to not indicate and turn my direction. I used the brakes in a vain attempt to stop but slid straight into his path. He avoided me and he done a pirouette, narrowly missing a street sign and made another attempt to get around the roundabout. The next day, when I attempted to get home, literally metres away from where I park the car, on the top of a small, yet steep hill, my poor little car just skidded and refused to go forwards. All that effort just to see Harry Potter (incidentally, it was worth the hassle).

You see, our country would benefit from nationwide annual tyre changes. However, I'm not prepared to spend hundreds of pounds to change my tyres. And neither are you. None of us are prepared to pay even higher taxes to pay for the extra gritters on the roads. No one is going to pay even higher train fares to allow companies to spend money constantly de-icing train tracks or spend more on plane tickets to allow the airports to buy the expensive equipment.

The residents of Britain are like little spoilt children who get exactly what they want, and when Daddy says no to a jet-powered Unicorn, they have a massive paddy where they cry and shout abuse. If we don't get the exact services we desire, such as trains being pulled through the snow by a pack of huskies, penguins controlling the traffic or being carried to the shops on the back of a polar bear, we start shouting abuse. Well, you know what: Tough shit. How old are you? Exactly! You should be old enough to know that life isn't fair.

However, we are now at the festive season people like to refer to as 'Christmas'. It snows every Christmas. It has snowed for every Christmas since the alleged birth of Jesus Christ. What do you mean no it hasn't? It does. What, you calling me a liar are you now? I promise you, it is a metrological fact that it does snow every single Christmas! I can prove this with heavy persuasion. In every fantasy and on every program on the Television and every film in your DVD collection, it snows on Christmas Day. Forget about what really happens in real life; it does snow every single Christmas Day, without fail. Without snow, people don't believe it is Christmas, even if it is fake snow produced by a machine just out of shot on Eastenders. You see, believe me now do we?

Anyway, I hope the snow didn't bother you too much and your plans for Christmas haven't been ruined by the slight dusting of snow.

Merry Christmas, Season Greetings, I hope Yule get everything Yule desire and that Yule don't get a paper cut from the wrapping paper.

It's ConDem May

I return, and I am writing fit. A pun in my very first sentence in my first blog for almost a month -  I have returned. Personally, I would say May 2010 was possibly the worst month of my life thus far; what with getting Chicken Pox, missing an important exam, cancelling my University application and of course turning 18. However, May 2010 has been quite a poignant month in the history of our country, with elections being held and the voters sticking two fingers up at politics – metaphorically or course.

'The country is going to the polls' was the popular phrase used by journalists for the days leading up to 6th May. I could make a joke about Poland, but I feel it is too easy. The public essentially had three main candidates to choose from. For Labour, they had the increasing unpopular Gordon Brown, who seemed to be stretching his neck skin. The Conservatives had David 'Dave' Cameron who shouted for change so many times, I was starting to think he wore nappies and always needed them changing, or there were increasingly popular Liberal Democrats and Nick Clegg who 6 weeks ago had an unrecognisable face.

In the lead up to the election, three televised leader debates were held. Something quite popular in America, and in an attempt to make the UK a bit more of a democracy, they were tried over here. They became quite popular and indeed helped Nick Clegg to becoming popular. The first debate was shown on ITV and concentrated on the domestic affairs of our country, in which polls suggested Clegg won. The second debate, shown on Sky News, was about the international affairs of our country and mainly focused on the wars we are participating in – Clegg also won this one. The third was shown on the BBC the week before the election and concentrated on our economy, with each suggesting ways to help our country to get out of debt. Clegg, indeed, won the third debate as well according to polls.

David Cameron and Gordon Brown spent most of the debates arguing between themselves while Nick Clegg stood there watching with a slightly smug look upon his face. I didn't particularly listen to what they had to say much, and infact I just studied their body language to see how they were coping. Clegg seemed to cope fine with the pressure of the audience and the heat of the spot lights. Cameron too seemed to cope with it all reasonably fine, apart from the fact he became rather sweaty and his forehead not only became shinier, but also seemed to grow. I never noticed before the debates he was slowly turning bald. Gordon Brown seemed to cope the same way he normally does under pressure, by bumbling everything he said more than Gareth Gates on Pop Idol many moons ago. I noticed he has very large ears and a lot of excess skin around his neck. He also seems to suck his teeth and intake air half way through his sentences, much like you would expect an angry rabbit would who was blowing up a balloon. Gordon Brown also created a slogan unwillingly in the debates.

Obviously, Gordon Brown and his team of PR ‘experts’ realised how popular Nick Clegg was becoming and how the audience seemed to always be agreeing with him. From this I presume the phrase 'I agree with Nick' was created. Rarely did a sentence fall from Brown's lips that did not start with the words 'I agree with Nick'. I essentially ended up feeling very sorry for Gordon.

On the 6th of May, despite having Chicken Pox, I was not 18, so I could not vote. If I could've voted though, I think I would voted Lib Dem's. I've supported the Conservatives for many years, but on final reflection, it was pretty much certain that the Conservatives would get the most votes, and seeing as I had become fond of Nick Clegg like everyone else, I think I would have helped him in getting votes. Either way, when the votes finally came in, no-one had actually won. Britain was in the midst of a parliament being hung (unfortunately, not in the way one would hope for).

Then the week of arse-kissing began. Both Labour and the Conservatives spent the entire election campaign constantly demeaning Nick Clegg and his fellow Liberal Democrats, and then they ended up having control over both parties. Eventually, on the Tuesday evening following the election, during Eastenders, it was announced that Nick Clegg had chosen the Conservatives and gone into partnership with them, forcing Gordon Brown out of British Politics. We are now living in a country run be a coalition Government, made up of David Cameron as Prime Minister and Nick Clegg and Deputy Prime Minister. What a marvellous day.

Over the coming weeks they announced the final line up of the Cabinet Team and it was a wonderful mixture or Blue's and Yellow's. Then the budget was announced. I am yet to read the 12 page document (however, I do actually plan to do so at some point), but somehow the new chancellor, George Osborne has begun cutting £6Billion from our countries budget. Then, for reasons of malice, the media has begun and I am sure will continue to, tear and pick apart the coalition Government so the next leaders debate will actually be held on an episode of Jeremy Kyle. You would think the media didn't want our country to have a stable Government and would rather our country be torn apart by constant rioting and fist fighting.

As in most partnerships, each side has had to give up some important things; for example I think as part of agreement Nick Clegg has had to bin his Elton John CD. The big thing that will come from the coalition, which I am rather sadly excited about, is a reform of the voting system. The Liberal Democrats this year received the most votes they have ever had, however, they ended up with less seats than previously had. To be honest, I am very excited about this coalition, and I do hope it works and I think it would be nice them to last the entire term together, but whether that will happen, we shall have to wait and see.

Another big thing about the month of May, like April, was the disruption to air travel. Only slightly caused by the ash cloud this time, but was mainly caused by BA Staff striking. Now, I am all for freedom of speech and all that lark, but this all seems pretty darn ridiculous to me. British Airway's staff have lost their travelling privileges. I don't want to come across as sarcastic and cynical here, but BOO-HOO! I wonder if anyone has actually pointed out to them yet that the longer they keep striking, the more money their employers lose. Then eventually, they'll start to lose so much money they will fall into debt, which would then lead to one of the biggest British companies closing down and having a major effect upon our economy and of course, all the people who are striking, won't have a job at all.

Sure, it seems quite unlikely that would happen, but I don't think losing a few travelling perks is enough of a reason to go on strike. From what I understand, pilots and airline staff are not exactly underpaid. I don't know what these perks are, but I doubt a bag of peanuts costs that much on a flight. I don't know because I have never been on a plane, but I think they should just stop throwing their toys out the pram and go back to doing their jobs!

I don't think anyone can write a blog about May, without mentioning the Eurovision Song Contest either. I didn't watch much of it really, infact, I only saw two songs (one of them ours) and the final results at a friend’s house after a night out. However, our country came last place, and I cannot understand why this has to be. Sure, the guy who was singing, who I affectionately have always called 'Whatshisface' because I do not want to waste brain cells learning his name, was rubbish. He hit very few notes properly and his backing singers were just as bad. It felt as if they had never previously all sung together as they had absolutely no ability to harmonise together at all. As for the song itself; why would we even give Pete Waterman the job of writing a song in the first place? It seemed like a suicide attempt!

Granted, there is not much British music about that I am particularly fond of, but we do have some pretty good singing talent. We should get one of our professional and successful singers to perform. Why not Leona Lewis? She's not great, but she is better than a lot of crap and is quite popular globally now. Cliff Richard done it twice, in 1968 and 1973 and he was a professional then. Other countries use professional and popular singers! The cynic in me knows the reason why we will not do it though. Money.

We spent so much effort on trying to get the Olympics and our country is also praying to host the World Cup, which is/will be, millions upon millions, if not billions, of pounds spent building stadiums and hosting the tournament. However, our country cannot afford to host the Eurovision Song Contest anymore as it is seen as dead wood now, so we continually put in rubbish acts. What makes it worse is that we complained for years that the reason we never won was because it was too political, and now that the points system has been changed, so that 50% of a countries results come from impartial judges, we still lose and have no excuse other than 'We're shit!'

Anyway, that is it for this blog, reviewing the month of May. You will not have to wait another month for the next blog though, as I plan to write two more in the next week - hopefully.