"D'yew Ge' Me, Like? D'yew Know Wot I'm Sayin'?" No.

I'm going to University. Yeah, hark at me aye, all grown up and going into the big world of paying extortionate amounts in pounds sterling for an education and living away from Mummy and Daddy. I'll be in the mature World of paying for a TV license, gas bills, rent and buying Milk from Asda after shuffling around looking for food. All this while attempting to successfully pass a three-year joint-honours degree. And where am I going to University I hear you forgetting to care about? The University of East London. Yeah, not exactly one of the great classics such as Oxford or Cambridge, but you know, a degree is a degree.

My degree and my place of study don't seem to really match each other. When people ask (and they're asking a lot, repeatedly) 'Where you going and what you doing?' I have to tell them that a) I'm going to 'The University of East London', which, let's be honest, isn't the grandest and most inspirational of names; and I then have to tell them that b) I'm studying 'Journalism Studies with Creative and Professional Writing', which, let's be honest, is a pompous name and I feel guilty every single time I say the name of my course. I love it and I'm so excited and I'm itching and scratching wanting to start it now, but I always feel like I'm saying it like a statement that implies 'I'm better than you'. Why I feel that, I have absolutely no idea. I just feel that where ever I spread the knowledge of my degree, I'm leaving a trail of resentment, annoyance and snobbishness. But hey, at least I'm not Philosophy!

I've now made two trips to the area now, and, well, let's just say it doesn't resemble the cast of Oliver!, but the Olympics haven't brought a higher class of people to the area. I am yet to hear someone speak the native tongue of East London: Cockney. I am yet to hear someone say: "Awright geeezzaa! Hello an' welcome. Nice tit for tat yew got there! Sorted mate!"; which in plain English would mean "Hello and welcome. Nice hat you have there!" The language now is still sort of Cockney, but, like English, the young generation have played about with it.  Every sentence will, undoubtedly, contain the words "D'yew ge' me?", "Like" and "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?" It has the elements of cockney, but I don't recognise it as cockney. You feel like turning around and saying 'YES, I do understand you! Gaaaaawd blimey; yer 'avin' a giraffe!"

My last journey into East London consisted of me parking in a Morrisons. I was sat by my car when a group of teenagers walked past and then hung around near me and my car. Unfortunately, I could hear their conversation, which consisted a lot of "D'yew ge' me?", "Like" and "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?", with nouns chucked in to form something as reminiscent as a sentence. Surprisingly, it hasn't deterred me from attending there local University. I mean, it just gives me something to moan about, and God knows I love a good rant about society. Anyway, I am now going to share a rough transcript of the conversation. You can imagine it being performed as a sketch. You know, a Catherine Tate-like figure who repeatedly answers "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?" to every question. If it helps.

Girl One: (whilst sobbing) I don' wanna talk to 'im, yew know? 'e really upset me like. 'e was like, really mean.

Girl Two: Awww, why you cryin'? Don' cry, 'e ain't worth it. 'e was really nasty dough!

Girl One: (While finishing sobbing) I know, like. 'e was really out of order, yew know what I'm sayin'?

Girl Three: Ar' yer, tot'lly.

Girl One: (With conviction) Yew two, like, gonna 'ave to choose between me an' 'im.

Girl Three: We choose yew 'course

Girl Two: Yer, we gotta stick together.

Girl One: 'e really upset me dough, I like, like this scarf an' I can't believe 'e wood dis it like dat. It cost me like two nin'y nine from Primark, D'yew get me, like?

Girl Two: Yer, tot'lly. I really like dat scarf.

Boy: Wot yew chattin'?

Girl Two: We ain't talking to yew!

Boy: (Huffs) I like, di'n't say dat I di'n't like it, d'yew ge' me? I jus' said she shuldn' wear it in summer. Yew know, it's hot like, d'yew know what I'm sayin'?

Girl One: Nar, yew said yew hated it. It cost me like two nin'y nine from Primark.

Boy: What!? D'yew ge' me? It nice scarf yer, but like, yew don' wear it in summer, yer? D'yew know what I'm sayin'?

It's just a load fickle rubbish they kept spewing out. They carried on late into mid-afternoon like that, but I didn't hear the rest of it because the long, open road home was awaiting me.

Anyway, I'll be going to live there in a few months, and I don't think I will be able to properly understand a single word which anyone says to me. I was hoping that maybe there was a Rosetta Stone CD that would teach me modern cockney, but there isn't. Anyway, so maybe Rosetta stone should consider making one. I mean, I'd buy one, and I'm sure I can't be the only one. My current languages consist of English, Sarcasm, a few little hints of French, and I would love to add fluent Cockney to that list. Not this new fangled Cockney because it’s just solely "D'yew ge' me?", "Like" and "D'yew know wot I'm sayin'?", but I want to be able to successfully use Cockney Rhyming Slang. A lot of people know 'Apples and pears' means 'stairs', ‘phone’ is ‘dog and bone’, and everyone knows 'Giraffe' is 'laugh'. Anyway, so I'll have three years to learn the lingo, then, I will write a blog consisted of only Rhyming slang for my East London hommies! (Don't hold me to that though)

Two of the best-known Cockney's: Chas and Dave

I'm not worried about picking up the accent and the slang however, because I'm very hard to influence. I'm quite an outcast from the 'Teenage Stereotype' from my local area. Every Friday and Monday, for example, a lot of people flock to one of the clubs in the local city, Canterbury. I don't. I'm 19, and I'm proud to say, I still not set foot in one. I have legally been able to enter one for 13 months now; I'm yet to do so. I have no plans to do so either. I have no problems with pubs; pubs are great. Some of my favourite conversations have occurred in pubs over a pint of larger and a shot, but, I don't like people enough for the clubbing scene. I don't like being with large groups of people, so why would I want to spend a few hours with drunk, sweaty and horny people with loud, banging music which I very much doubt is my type of music. I've listened to club remixes; they ruin perfectly good songs! Plus, a lot of 'Canterburians' use slang, and I've not picked them up. Well, I only use it to mock. Anyway, if I can survive that with little influence, I'm sure a few years in London's East End will be doddle.

And if not? Well, like I said, I’ll just have to moan and blog about it. However, you do have permission to either slap me incredibly hard or shoot me in the liver should I start using the lingo regularly and finish every sentence with 'D'yew get me, like?" It's what I would have wanted before the disease overpowered my immune system…

Now, you're in for a treat! Remember that transcript above? I've performed it as a skit. I know; lucky right! Anyway, I've joined the YouTube generation of 'vlogging' now. And here, is the, video! Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/eNKVHaOGKC4

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 5-1)

Now we find ourselves at my final 5 reasons as to why life in Britain is so depressing. To recap, we had Simpson Repeats, Dependency of Technology, Complaining, Entertainment and the young people’s version of 'love'. Yes, these are not very typically depressing subjects and they do not have a big effect in Britain's level of depression. That is why they were lower down the list. These next and final five are bad. They will have you sitting at your computer screen making your blood boil at the realisation that these things are terrible and happen far too often in our culture; or at the very list, make me more of a cynic. Either way...

5. Get Off Facebook
The whole world seems to spend far too much time on Facebook, especially on Facebook. Everything has to be Facebooked. You have to share your current activity or thought with your friends. You have to create group so you can share your values and ideals with other people worldwide. Share pictures from the night before, and then moan when everyone sees them. Even relationships only become properly official when Facebook says so. People live in houses which have gardens covered in weeds because they spend too much time on Farmville growing Strawberries and the real dog goes unfed because the virtual one needs feeding. It seems that Facebook has ruined and taken over our lives. I am guilty of this too, but I'm not happy about it.
Living a country in which no-one goes outside and spends their life talking to 'friends' on Facebook can have its advantages with it meaning that all the people no-one likes have something to do. My Facebook gets rarely updated and I spend very little time on it now these days, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I feel sorry for all the people of our country that are addicted to Facebook for getting no sunlight. However, I envy the homeless guy in the underpass that has not got a Facebook page, he has not got to worry about the mundane things like us more fortunate people have to, like what to update our status to. Anyway, please British Facebooker’s go out and get a drink with some real friends and help stop the recession instead of paying AOL £15 a month to sit on Facebook.

4. Our Life Being Controlled By Machines
Self Checkout Machines. These were sold to us an easier and quicker way for paying for our shopping. What a lie that turned out to be. You scan your shopping yourself. Sounds simple enough. You have numerous attempts at scanning a pint of milk before it finally realises you are trying to scan something. You have to make sure you put it in exactly the right place in the bagging area otherwise it'll moan at you. Inevitably something will not work properly, then it starts shouting for assistance like a rape alarm made by Steven Hawking. You find that the amount of staff used to attend all the cries for help by these robots would be the same number needed to run the equivalent number of proper checkouts. Then you have to pay. If you pay by card, they're nice to you. Should you pay with cash/coins, then you are in big trouble. The machines will never accept it on your first or second attempt. You'll be lucky if it accepts the money on the third, but more likely on the fourth go. You then have to stand there for a minute while the machine seems to count the change out. QUICKER? You're having a joke are you not?
Then you have those parking machines. Rarely a simple thing, and yet another machine which tries to ruin my life and makes my blood boil. I've been driving not even two months and numerous times I have just stood and shouted at the machine. First it won't accept the coins. Then it swallows the coins and you lose them. Then it spits them out at you just as you start putting more money in. All this for a couple of hours parking. I won't even get started at the price. We moan about unemployment, so why could we not employ people. Sure, they'll probably just get moody and we would still moan, but at least it would be more efficient - however, probably more expensive as the case is. I think the next Government should start the abolishment of machines and go back to using people. Hint Hint...

3. Grasp Of The English Language
A well-known pet hate of mine is people using text speak and slang. I don't understand why it is used. It takes me longer to work out what half the abbreviations mean than it would take to type the actual words. Slang, I can live with, as that is just our language evolving to become a more bastardised form. Text speak is just pointless. Since when has 'yoo' been easier than typing 'you'? Is there much effort to move your finger a few centimetres left? 'KK' is shorter of 'OK'. Again, since when has it been so hard to move your finger a centimetre higher? Then the worst of the lot - 'Iz'. Why are people trying to shorten short words? It just makes no sense. Text speak is purely just the language of the stupid and lazy.
Then you have words that have changed meaning over time. 'Epic' is a new favourite commonly used. A word that once meant heroic or impressively great now seems to be 'epically' overused to mean absolutely anything. You can have an 'epic fail', maybe an 'epic win' or just possibly an 'epic haircut'. The word 'Epic' has now been bastardised. Like I said in the previous blog, Love also has changed meanings with it now meaning to just be infatuated with another person mostly. Then you have new words. The new word which bugs me the most is 'lol'. I have got used to it being used on the Internet, and that no longer bugs me. What bugs me is people saying 'lol' in real every day-to-day life. I miss the days when people used to laugh. Anywho, maybe you lot should start writing and talking properly.

2. 'Celebrities'
It no secret. I hate 'Celebrities'. I hate Katie Price. I hated Jade Goody (and still technically do). I hate Piers Morgan. I hate Miley Cyrus. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Lindsey Lohan. I hate Gerard Butler. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Jack Tweed. I hate Zac Efron. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate John Terry. I hate Cheryl Cole. I hate Alex Reid. I hate Chris Brown. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate 'Jedward'. I hate Russel Brand. I hate Fearne Cotton. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. I hate Susan Boyle. I hate Heather Mills. I hate Kanye West. I hate Geri Halliwell. I hate Peaches Geldoff. I hate Vanessa Hugdens. I hate Myleene Klass. I hate David Van Day. I hate Esther Rantzen. I hate Vernon Kay. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Alexandra Burke. I hate Amy Winehouse. I hate Judy Finnigan. I hate both Liam and Noel Gallagher. I hate Kate Moss. I hate Jack Osbourne.
I hate a lot of celebrities. Infact, it probably would have been easier to just say I hate all celebrities and save the hassle of writing that long list. Anywho, shall I tell you whose fault it is we have to hear about them all the day? Yours! You keep buying these gossip magazines that fuel celebrity culture and all the people mentioned in the above list. These people that buy the magazines are also the ones that moan about constantly hearing about Katie Price's new marriage. Well, if you don't care, don't buy the magazine that pays her to tell you about it. It's like people moaning about Child Labour in poor countries - while wearing their brand new shoes, made in a poor country by a child. Members of the public (well, not you all, but a majority of you), could you please stop buying these magazines!

Which leads me on nicely to Number One...

1. The Media
Have you watched ITV News since they renovated themselves a few months ago? It is essentially The Sun being read out with moving pictures. The young journalists always seem to be too excited when they have been sent out with a Microphone and a Camera. Using younger presenters, instead of the experienced ones, appeals to the younger audience, ideally, people of a similar age to me. It was all part of a plan to get young people interested in the news. If anything, it has put me off the news. I don't watch Sky News for the same reason. I now only watch BBC news. Is it because they are the best? No, it is because I want the news told to me by experienced journalists, not young ones who have more spots than I do. This depresses me that they have to have a target audience. It is the news. Just read the news out properly, and people who are interested will find it and watch it.
The newspapers as always are keen to jump on any tiny, insignificant story and blow it way out of proportion or just completely change the story to make it more glamorised. An example of this in a local paper recently was it telling its readers that 'An old man was involved in a vehicle accident with a lorry and was seriously injured'. The real story was actually 'An old woman lost control of her car after getting a puncture, but only received minor injuries'. Stories like these can be found in every newspaper across the country. The famous story which was blown completely out of proportion by the newspapers is the Ross/Brand fiasco. Not many people complained initially. Then, the papers took it out of proportion and context, and then thousands of people complained, despite only reading about. The same could be said for Tiger Woods affairs towards the end of last year. The newspapers were not content on just saying that he had an affair, but they had to find the woman and interview her. Then, report on every other affair that was revealed. Why should we care about a man’s private life? Because the media tell us we should.
Another pet hate of mine in the media, which has the main objective of shaming and depressing Britain as a nation, is coming up with percentages and averages which compare us to other countries in negative things such as teenage pregnancy, unemployment or gang violence. It seems to be reported on a weekly bases that Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates. I see no reason for them to need to do this. You cannot stop teenagers having sex, so why keep telling us we have the horniest teenagers in the world. I never see the point in comparing us to other countries. If anything, you're just convincing more people to migrate to other countries.
The media always seems intent on comparing celebrities as well. Complaining when they look slightly fat: 'Is that very tiny bulge over her bikini bottoms? It is! Zoom in as far as you can, put it in Photoshop and add some stretch marks, and then put it in this week’s Hello magazine.' I do not quite see how pointing out everyone's small and highly unimportant flaws to the world is classed as entertainment. However, when the same celebrity is seen a few weeks later with a slightly smaller bulge over her bikini bottoms, the media might as well start shouting the accusations of a diet or plastic surgery from a very tall building in London with a megaphone, without any evidence of course. The hypercritical journalists found in the media are very annoying and after a while of reading these stories, just gets tiring and boring.
I have chosen the media as my preferred sector to have a career in. Why, I am not quite sure, seeing as it annoys me the most. I'm not going into the business to try and change it, because that will never happen. The fact that I have chosen a profession which annoys me, just proves that I love to moan, and also highly depresses me; thus why it is found at the number one spot.

There you have it, the top ten reasons why life on this Island which people call 'Britain' is depressing. There will be people who disagree with my ratings, and there will be those who will completely agree and congratulate me in summarising British life into two blogs. However, a majority of those people will never read this blog, but people who do read this. Please give me your thoughts.

I have decided that in years time, when I have spent far too long living in Britain and I have begun to lose my marbles as a result of Britain angering me so much, I'm going to get a welcome bath mat, just to keep me guessing.

Seeing as people seem to fail to find the first half; here are Reasons 10 - 5.

Stuart's Review Of The Noughties

Wave bye-bye to 2009 and to the Noughties. 2010 has arrived, bringing with it a new decade which is inappropriately named 'The Teens'. As a lot of people have commented, it shouldn't technically be called 'The Teens' until 2013, so I don't know what the official name for this decade will be. Also, what are we calling this year? Twenty Ten or Two Thousand and Ten? I personally prefer the former because it sounds quite futuristic, but it is an Americanism, which is a downside. The latter is quite a boring, British way of saying it. I expect I'll call it Twenty Ten because it is shorter, but no-one listens to me.

Anyway, back on with the subject, 'The Noughties' - the years 2000 to 2009. This is the decade of the Internet. Every decade has a 'thing' and the previous was the Internet; the marvellous invention that allows you to watch people getting hurt when You've Been Framed isn't on. It also allows people to communicate with each other, as well as looking at free porn and sharing pointless thoughts with the world on Twitter. The Internet also allows people to be very angry. The amount of comments you see on forums and YouTube which are an exchange of insults is phenomenal. People surely were not that angry before the Internet. Essentially, they're just 12 year old boys who like to act hard by calling everyone a 'Dickhead' under the alias of 'RudeBoi98'. If you met them in real life, they would run away at the mere thought of a fight. I've had a few of them comments on my Blog, which I think is evidence that I've made it.
The Internet has had an incredible amount of bad press also however. Only the other year some scientist said that 'Using Facebook could raise the risk of your child having cancer' and crying that 'It could ruin the brains of children effecting our future generation'. Well, I've been on Facebook a few years now and I'm no more stupid than I was before. Also, apparently, a rise in paedophilia has been recorded because a 42 year old man can pose as 15 year old girl of MSN or MySpace. No one said 70 years ago that 'Chimney sweeps could be a predator on your innocent teenage daughter' did they though. Anyway, I know I'm safe because if anyone wanted me, they'd have to be pretty darn desperate.

This has also been the decade of terror for other reasons. Ever since 11/9 (it's the right way around because I'm not American. They're the only country who writes the date the other way around - idiots) the Governments have drummed into us that we're living in a 'climate of fear' which they themselves created anyway. The planes crashing into the Twin Towers surely was a horrific moment of the decade, and is one thing it will be remembered for, but I don't think going to war with Afghanistan and Iraq has helped the situation. Overall, 6,255 people died in the Noughties because of the war. Then you have the bomb attack on a Spanish train, then the London Underground/Bus, Glasgow Airport and a Russian Train; as well as all the suicide attacks in the war-torn countries. Okay, not as bad as the World Wars, but still something a majority of people will remember about the decade.

The reality show boom. Yes, a lot of negative things happened during the Noughties. The popularity of these shows started at the dawn of decade, with Big Brother being the main one and then shows such as Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Then shows like I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing On Ice. This is what tarred the basic fabric of humanity apart during the decade, with 95% of conversations linking to Reality TV in one way or another. Don't even get me started on the stars that have been born from this obsession. People like Chantelle from Big Brother, Cheryl Cole from Pop Stars: The Rivals and recently Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent. The most annoyingly famous one of the lot however is Jade Goody. You may be surprised that I mentioned her name, but in 45 years time when some poor sods have to learn about Culture in the Noughties, she'll be one of the people mentioned to your Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren. Now who wants that? I sure don't! The history of the decade has been soiled because of Reality TV and Jade Goody.
Simon Cowell has been a giant influence upon the decade as well. At the turn of the decade he was relatively unknown and now he is better known than the Queen according to a recent study. This is the man who brought us the treats of Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. This is the man who has helped to escalate our nations hunger to be a celebrity. This is a man who makes millions from making people look like complete and utter idiots on national telly in front of 10 Million people on a weekly basis. This is a man who at one point was more well known for being an angry, white-teethed, trousers-around-the-neck annoyance with terrible hair. Now he has far too much respect, money and ego as a result of the Noughties.

Journalism. Now remember I want a career in Journalism so this is a profession I'm suppose to admire and constantly dream about. Infact, only the other day I received a conditional offer to study Journalism at University. Well believe it or not I hate a majority of Journalists. Since the death of our dear Princess Diana, press has been given a bad name; in much the same way as one of Bon Jovi's ex's gave love a bad name. Piers Morgan was a twat during the 90's but he's even worse now - he's on TV. The news seems to only focus on the pointless moments in life like celebrity love lives. "Forget Australia being completely destroyed by a nuclear bomb, did you say Wayne and Coleen Rooney may be getting divorced?" That's what it would be like anyway. I'm sure most Journalist's are lovely in real-life, but the persona created by most in the papers is quite an unpleasant one.

Then you also have the recession, which looms over us still as we pass into another decade. This brought an increase of Shoplifting into the decade and a rise in unemployment. The decade will be known for bankers pissing our money away so they can go fancy yachts with cheesy names such as 'Bay Dream' and 'Fishin' Impossible'. People in years to come will talk about a ‘Northern Rock’ which once stood in high streets and raconteurs will share stories of the time when they stood in lines for hours on end to enter this 'Northern Rock'.

Something else that has come out of the decade and the Internet is the ability to watch TV without turning the actual television on. Yes, iPlayer was born, meaning that people can watch something a week later after it was originally shown on their laptops, iPods and phones. Phones are another invention which has really excelled during the Noughties. At the turn of the decade people hadn't even started playing Snake on their mobiles with them being the size of an actual brick with giant buttons. Remember them? Well why don't you go on the Internet via your phone and have a look on Google images if you don't.

Apples played a big part in the decade. No, not the edible ones which keep the doctor away, I mean the company. The idea that someone could play a few songs without using a CD player or tape deck was revolutionary. Now we think nothing of having an entire music collection in our pocket to listen to when we want, where we want. Now that my friends, this is what geeks are for: coming up with absolutely fantastic inventions. I love my iPod. I love mine so much I've named him Oscar and surprisingly he has the exact same taste in music as I do.

Twitter is a micro-blogging site which really made it big in the final year of the decade, and I have to stand up and say "Yes, I am a Twitterholic". I find it absolutely fantastic. What did we do before Twitter? Did we shout short messages of 140 characters in length out the window at people innocently walking past? No, it is such a pointless invention and is why I adore it. Essentially Twitter is a legalised form of stalking. I now know whenever my friends are having a shower and I can even tell you when Chris Moyles is going for 5 mile run so you can pop around his house and burgle him. Just brilliant.

This was the decade in which people stopped talking and spelling properly too (or should I say 2?). It’s a pet peeve of mine. I think you will find ‘U’ is an inappropriate way of spelling ‘you’. Even meaningful sentiments like ‘I love you’ have been destroyed. You’re lucky if someone goes to the effort of putting ‘luv u’ really because people very commonly go ‘ily’. The English language is slowly being destroyed. Even laughter has been destroyed. People have actually started saying ‘LOL’ instead of laughing. It’s the most common piece of gobbledegook used in society these days, and I hate it; a generation of people who can only communicate if they’re typing or using acronyms.

Games have had a huge impact in the previous decade. Years ago we sat infront of silly 2D animation with repetitive hypnotising music. Now at the end of the decade people have realistic games in which you feel part of the experience. Whether you're running people over in a stolen car on Grand Theft Auto or playing tennis in your living rooms, you are living in a realistic revolutionary game. You can play on your own while eating a packet of Doritos's or on the Internet against a thousand people eating Doritos's. If someone said to you in 1999 that in 2009 you could flapping like a bird to 'exercise' on your games console or pretending you're in a war zone with real blood effects and talking to someone in Australia, you probably would have already called the local mental institution claiming they were insane.

Then we have pop culture. This is something I am not going to say I 'adore' or find 'fantastic' because I actually detest it. As I mention far too many times in my blogs; Jade Goody was pretty the face of everything I despise. Amy Winehouse constantly being in and out of rehab so many times I can't remember when I first lost interest in her. Naomi Campbell has hit so many cleaners that her house now looks like a pig sty. Heather Mills has crushed so many Beatles that she has been named a threat to the environment. Victoria and David Beckham have moved country so many times that they themselves have contributed to 10% of all pollution. That leaves Katie Price; well she alone caused the great 2005 shortage of plastic and has been spread over so many papers that I can't be bothered to think up another metaphor for her. These are people we're supposed to idealise? These are role models to the next generation of adults? Celebrity Pop Culture was possibly the worst part of the Noughties. The sad thing is as well, that it shows no signs of stopping during the Teens. Even if we perfect space travel in the decade, we wouldn't be able to hide from it. How I wish I was a hermit sometimes.

Much more happened in the previous decade however, but I don’t want to make this blog so incredibly long no-one reads it so I’ve decreased it the bigger moments. What wonders do we expect from the Teens though? Maybe Jonathan Ross will leave the BBC to go onto more exciting projects? Maybe Big Brother will come to an end? Maybe we will learn how to cope with snow? Maybe big football teams like Manchester United and Liverpool will be squashed by teams like Leeds and Reading? Maybe the cure for cancer will be found? Maybe the British public will stop moaning about every little thing which could be portrayed as 'insulting' on the BBC? Maybe I will be able to text from my phone without pressing the camera button by accident? Maybe my blog will be found by the editor from The Guardian and I'll be found and become a renowned famous Journalist (I'm allowed to dream)? It's even possible that Katie Price may find the perfect man.

We shall have to wait and see.

Y Spk Englsh Wen U Cn Tlk in Slang/Ghetto/Text/Jargon/Gobbledegook

f typd n ntr sntnc wtht sng ny Vwls, vry fw ppl wld b bl t ndrstnd wht 'm n bt, nd dbt wld b bl t thr...
And in English, with Vowels...
If I typed an entire sentence without using any Vowels, very few people would be able to understand what I'm on about, and I doubt I would be able to either. How comes then it is acceptable for us to think we can talk to each other without vowels then?

I text an awful lot, in fact too much, and all my texts are written in the way I'd write an English essay, by spelling every word properly, called the 'Queens English', because It always takes me 10 minutes to work out I'm saying if I shorten it and when I receive a text, I have to sit and work out what is being said to me.

A women's private area, more commonly known as a 'Virginia' in the mature world, is called a 'Wizards Sleeve' in street talk I found out yesterday – it came up in conversation. Anyway, I think it gives an entire new meaning to Harry Potter now.
Harry: Come on Hermione, we'll be late to defeat Lord Voldemort again if you don't hurry up.
Hermione: Hang on Harry, I’m just getting my hand out of my wizards sleeve then we can go... Actually, could you give me hand?

More slang, which is just as inappropriate, comes in the form of ways to ‘affectionately’ address your girlfriend or other half. Such words include; Bitch, Whore/Hoe, GF (Which could just as easily mean Goldfish), 'Fuck Buddy', Wifey, or more socially accepted – Spouse. To be honest, I would never call my girlfriend any of those names (accept Spouse maybe) if I had one, but then maybe that’s where I have been going wrong, I’ve been calling previous girlfriends by their name, or referring to them by their relationship to me – Girlfriend. I used to think if I called one of them a ‘Whore’ (which I’m not), I’d get a slap, but obviously that’s not the case – Silly Me!

Onto acronyms now... How people come up with certain acronyms, I will never know. These people must be uneducated, unemployed people who watch countdown and can't make a word up that's over 3 letters long, so try and make it into an acronym instead. How someone came up with 'ROFFLMFAOOLTTFM' I will never know. In case you're wondering, it means 'Roll On the Fucking Floor Laughing My Ass Off Out Loud To The Fucking Max'.

We all know the popular and overused ‘LOL’. In fact it’s so well known that people now actually say ‘LOL’ to people instead of ‘Laughing Out Loud’ which is just getting ridiculous, it seems the technology of phones and computers mean we have forgotten to socially interact with each other. There are other acronyms which are used like the one previously mentioned, ‘LMAO’ which means ‘Laughing My Arse Off’, ‘BRB’ which means ‘Be Right Back’ and ‘WUBU2’ which means ‘What You Been Up To?’

To help myself get around some of the gobbledegook, I use ‘The Urban Dictionary’ which is very handy for ‘Middle Class’ people like me who have no idea what people are saying to me. I decided to type in ‘SOL’ to see what result comes back, and I was amazed by the amount of things ‘SOL’ means. For example I had; ‘Smile Out Loud’, ‘Shit Outta Luck’, ‘Sex On Legs’, ‘Snorting Out Loud’, ‘Sigh Out Loud’, ‘Snigger Out Loud’ and more sensibly, and surprisingly ‘Speed Of Light’, I didn’t even know the speed of light was a such popular topic of discussion with my peers.

We come to the point in my blog, where I don’t know how to conclude. We already know that everyone’s social standards are falling, with no-one even talking to each other, which is favourite topic amongst comedians who have many jokes about the silence on public transport. Basically, all that I have proven is that a few people I socialise with don’t own a dictionary and are very good at hiding their dyslexia – insult not intended to anyone who has dyslexia, or indeed anyone I know, I am just saying.

So, it’s time for me to say – C U L8r...
Or as I say it – Toodles M’dearys
xXXx