Major Congestion Reported Getting Into SimCity

I have come up with another insult to sling around the playground: "Your Mumma's so fat, that she's slower than an EA Game Server". I can imagine it would be, and quite rightly so, followed by a chorus of "RINSED" by some teenagers, who also slap their fingers in appreciation.

This comes in light of recent events, in which people spent tens of pounds on a PC game, only to be told they couldn't play the game because too many people were playing the game. One might think that if you made 'X' number of games, you would, in the end, expect 'X' amount of people to actually want to play the game. But I'm not an expert, so what do I know?

Heavy Rain. Yeah, The Weather Has Been Rubbish Actually

A bit of a change from my normal realms of blogging in which I might moan about the mere mention of that dead Jade Goody or a review of a drama or reality show on BBC or ITV. This blog is part of a series of blogs which are reviewing different formats. I have a few blogs planned reviewing music and some of the albums released this year. However, this blog is reviewing a game. Yes, a game which you would insert into your games console; or in this particular case, a Playstation 3. And the game I shall be reviewing? Heavy Rain - a game exclusive to the PS3.

I have actually completed the game, something which is very rare for me. I never have the patience to bother trying to complete missions and end up just running around and driving cars pointlessly being a villain. I have only completed one other game previous and that was Grand Theft Auto IV; and that took a few years. The ability to roam around free often used to beat the temptation of having to complete missions. Heavy Rain only took me a month to complete. To a hardcore gamer, that seems like a long time, but you have to remember that I actually live a life in between twiddling my thumbs to control a character on my television. Anyway, a month seems quick to me, and that is because A) the game is relatively simple and B) it just isn't that long.

An Origami Figure in the Heavy Rain. The story summed up in one picture.

What is the point of the game? Well, I'm not particularly sure. It would have worked just as well being a movie, what with it having such a thought-provoking storyline. They would have probably made more money as well. However, I do know why they chose not to. The main idea of the game is that the player can make decisions, and each decision made has ability to change the entire outcome of the story. You could choose to jump of a building; killing one of your characters. You also play numerous characters, all of which are involved in the story line and all, at some point, interact with each other. I mean, there are 22 different possible endings. You could play the game so many times and never have the same story.

You play a father, who at the beginning of the game loses his son who dies being hit by a car. He then again, after a few months have passed, loses another son who this time has been kidnapped. As a result of his first son's death; he suffers blackouts (a slightly important detail they are slow to point out). Another character is a private detective who suffers with asthma (a pointless detail they are quick to point out) and is trying to solve the case. Another character is a female Journalist who is introduced through a nightmare sequence and suffers insomnia (a pointless detail they are quick to point out). There is also an FBI agent, who has to work with the local police to try and help solve the case of the missing child, and he suffers from some kind of strange vision (a pointless detail they are quick to weave into the story). You sporadically change between the characters.

The four characters staring thoughtfully into the distance.
From left: The FBI Agent, The Journalist, The Father, The Private Detective

If you wanted to play the game in the same way you play Grand Theft Auto for example, you would be quickly disappointed and bored I think. This game does not test the players skills (luckily for me), and if you wanted to get a packet of crisps, you could do without pausing; because nothing bad would happen, like in any other game. If you want to play the game for the actual story then you would enjoy it. I go into both categories, so I suppose that makes me kind of apathetic towards the game.

In some games you will be pressing buttons quickly to make the character run, shot his gun and jump at the same time, while alternating between different angles to get the best shot a man’s head being blown off. This game has tried to make the controls as life-like to the actions on the game as possible. Opening of a door will require pulling the analogue downwards then turning it. Repeatedly shaking an orange juice carton requires you to shake the motion sensitive controller. A shake of the controller could be used to kick open a door or push away an attacker. Turning of the controller will turn the car during the one car chase scene. A more awkward action like picking a lock may require you to press and hold a sequence of buttons, which are awkwardly arranged from the controller layout.

The controls can get frustrating at times, but luckily, it tells you which buttons to press or move in order to complete an action. Sometimes if you make a mistake, it will allow you another chance or it may just result in you being kicked in the head, and once you get lost in the action of the game, it is very easy to make a mistake. You can also hear the characters inner thoughts by pressing a button or you can make your game changing decisions by pressing just one button. However, there is no need to fear if it sounds awkward, because the first hour or so of game play and storyline is there to teach you how to use the controller. It may get tedious, but you’ll be thankful for it later in the game.

In this instance, you shake the controller to get the bald-headed freak off

I was worried when it came to a sex scene. I started to become a bit disturbed at the thought that I may have to use the directional buttons to thrust, but it cuts out before that stage. The only influence you have in the sex scene is the order you choose to take characters clothes off. Yes, I will point out now: You see CGI breasts, and to be honest, for breasts generated on a computer, they aren't very perfect.

The graphics however, are exceptionally brilliant. You can watch a conversation scene between characters and forget that it isn’t real. It is so easy to get lost in the game and its plot thanks to the superb facial expressions and life-like motions of the character. You can see them breathing. The reason for it being so life-like is because it is all filmed with different actors and actresses playing characters, and their movements are logged onto a computer where they create the game; clever really.

**SPOILER ALERT**

If you haven't played the game, and have an intention of playing it and don't want to ruin the ending for yourself, then I suggest you skip the next three paragraphs...

As for the rest of us:

At least one of your characters will inevitably die and it is full of surprises and it is completely based on your own decisions which character(s) it is who is killed. At points, as the father for example, you are given the choice to kill yourself in order to save your son (I didn't take these options, and yet I still saved him). The big surprise is who the Origami Killer is. You see, the general idea, is that every year a kid is taken and put into flood drains, during Heavy Rain (thus it's name, surprisingly), and the kid is supposed to drown slowly as a result. The police become convinced that the father is the killer, so he has to also convince them he isn't the Origami Killer as well as save his son.

Eventually, my story finished with the child being saved by the father and the Journalist. The father and journalist ended up living together happily ever after with the saved son. The FBI agent ended up quitting his job for pastures new as his 'Strange Visions' are a result of his job. The Private Detective, you know, the one with Asthma, is killed... BY THE FATHER! Do you know why? Do you want to know why? Because the Private Detective is the Origami Killer. *Gasps*

The fat bastard was only doing it because, while stupidly playing on a construction site with his brother as a young child, his brother fell into a flood drain, and drowned. At one point in the game we get to relive the event, and to be honest, it isn't that sad really. Anyway, I chose to shoot the murdering bastard a few times to so he fell of a crane and into the water, where he ironically drowned and died. I am rather pleased with my ending. I was a very lovely and charitable player; despite the end killing.

**END OF SPOILERS**

Welcome back. 

My general thoughts of the game were all rather positive. I was a bit disappointed by how little action you really do and how short the game ended up being, especially for the price! However, it was completely different to other games and I enjoyed it. I love the idea that the outcome of the game is completely dependent on how you play the game and the decisions you make. No other game allows you to do that, and it is certainly unique. The musical score of the game too, makes it even better. It has been beautifully crafted to accompany the game’s storyline; enhancing a dramatic or emotional scene perfectly. It can subconsciously prepare the player for an impending threat. It is exactly how you would expect a musical score for a feature film to be.

The game and story has incredible depth which you would never expect to get from a console game and is so very intense if you really get into it. If you are prepared to play the game with an open mind, like I did, then you will love the experience and really have empathy for the characters; and seeing as the game is based around a father’s love for his child, then what else would expect. I would suggest buying the game to anyone who has a Playstation 3 and is fed up of playing the same-old shooting or racing games you find on the console, and now that it has gone down in price from when I brought it, there is no reason not to.

Wii Elbow

I don't own a Nintendo Wii for numerous reasons, and therefore as a result the only experiences I have had with a Wii have been at other people’s houses, in front of other people making a bit of a fool of myself. To say I'm totally useless at it would be an exaggeration, but I'm not great. I am probably just too cynical. The purpose of the Wii is mostly flawed. Okay, so it can be lots of fun - agreed. The idea of using it to excise gets me though.

Look, a happy family playing on the Wii together. Why can't they just go to the local park and play football?

I have ridden a bike on the Nintendo Wii. On some games it just consists of moving your hands up and down and on other games it consists of lift an alternate leg up on white box called a 'Wii Board'. I have now ridden an electronic bike sitting in an armchair before I've actually ridden a real, physical bike properly. Yeah, I cannot ride a bike - Got a problem with that? I have even learnt to drive a car and ride a horse before being able to ride a bike. What does that say about me? Well, it's just easier to sit in your armchair, pumping your arms up and down than actually going outside in the fresh air and cycling using your legs.

This is destroying our society. We now have a bunch of fat children who believe the word 'Exercise' to mean 'An act performed holding a white rectangle in your hand and waving it about from the comfort of your living room whilst eating a burger'. Gyms in the future, as a result of the Japanese, will no longer consist of exercise bikes, rowing machines, treadmills and weights, but instead a cubical which has sensor in it, and you can choose which exercise you would like to pretend to do.

An example of what gyms will look like in the future? Maybe...

There are a huge range of games available for the Wii. Anything from pretending you're at the Beijing Olympics with your favourite Mario characters (Mine's Yoshi), from pretending to do yoga whilst sitting on the magical white box or pretend you have impeccable timing and have a great dancing ability. There certainly is a huge variety of games which can help in deluding you that you can do anything. Just like Guitar Hero and Rock Band on all gaming consoles, you are kidded into believing you have a talent, when really you have the ability to do a bad impression of someone who has a talent. Guitars are much more complex than the five differently coloured buttons and a switch which you move you 'pluck'. The same applies to the Wii. I cannot trampoline for the life of me; but yet I managed to do incredibly well doing it at the Mario Olympics yesterday.

As for the dancing; well the Wii has the ability to make me out to be a bad dancer. I almost always lose competing against friends, but I'm sure I am a great dancer. I have the impeccable timing needed and the talent, but the Wii just makes me come across as a blundering fool who has uncontrollable arms and never seems to get a dance move correct. Would you believe that!?*

*Sarcasm. I am actually completely and utterly, disastrously, really, really, very bad at dancing not only in real life, but on the Wii. In fact, you could probably say that about quite a few things you can do on the Wii AND in real life...

Being in your house, you would think you were safer. The Wii Fit has a wide range of games. You can box, and we all know boxing can be very dangerous. You can cycle over fields with a dog, and we all know that can be dangerous in real life with rocks hiding which can make you fall off. You can pretend you are a bird and fly, and we all know flying as a bird is dangerous what with glass buildings existing. You can have snow ball fights and we all know that can lead to pneumonia. You can pretend you're juggling in the circus on a balance ball and we all know in the real world if you have bad balance, you could fall off the balancing ball and have three juggling balls fall on your head and knock you into a coma; which you could never come out of. Well, you can be injured playing in your own house too...

An artists reconstruction of someone being smacked with the Wii Remote.

I've seen and also suffered injuries as a result of the Wii. I've seen people get smacked in the head with the Wii Remote by someone else being in too close proximity. To play the Wii safely, you need a big, empty room. Myself, well I have suffered at the expense of the Nintendo Wii. I have had my eye attacked by the cable between the remote and the nunchuk whilst trying to make my character jump. I am also currently suffering from something I have named 'Wii Elbow'. We have all heard of the Tennis Elbow, well mine is the same, except it was caused by flailing my arm about too much whilst trying to play table tennis on the Wii.

I cannot wait to see what they will have on the next Wii Fit game. Maybe they will start destroying childhood activities such as playing on a pogo stick, skipping or hopping around on a space hopper. Perhaps it could allow children who have lost their fathers, to pretend to play catch in an electronic garden with computer generated father. Or maybe perhaps they will release a an x-rated game on the Nintendo Wii in which you use the Wii Remote to perform an electronic hand job by shaking it up and down. Yeah, probably not.

I will agree that in comparison to playing games on an Xbox or a Playstation 3, it probably is more beneficial in that it is more physically active than sitting in a chair not moving anything other than your fingers and thumbs, but it still is a console which gives people a delusion. It is fun, but despite my ability to trampoline and do the hammer throw on Super Mario Olympics; I shall not be seeking out to do it professionally. I'll just go for a career of sitting on my arse all day long in front of a computer.

A win for Yoshi! Go on my son!

People always say they really love their Wii or claim they really need a Wii, but me, I don't need a Wii; in fact I can probably hold out quite a while without wanting a Wii...

Stuart's Review Of The Noughties

Wave bye-bye to 2009 and to the Noughties. 2010 has arrived, bringing with it a new decade which is inappropriately named 'The Teens'. As a lot of people have commented, it shouldn't technically be called 'The Teens' until 2013, so I don't know what the official name for this decade will be. Also, what are we calling this year? Twenty Ten or Two Thousand and Ten? I personally prefer the former because it sounds quite futuristic, but it is an Americanism, which is a downside. The latter is quite a boring, British way of saying it. I expect I'll call it Twenty Ten because it is shorter, but no-one listens to me.

Anyway, back on with the subject, 'The Noughties' - the years 2000 to 2009. This is the decade of the Internet. Every decade has a 'thing' and the previous was the Internet; the marvellous invention that allows you to watch people getting hurt when You've Been Framed isn't on. It also allows people to communicate with each other, as well as looking at free porn and sharing pointless thoughts with the world on Twitter. The Internet also allows people to be very angry. The amount of comments you see on forums and YouTube which are an exchange of insults is phenomenal. People surely were not that angry before the Internet. Essentially, they're just 12 year old boys who like to act hard by calling everyone a 'Dickhead' under the alias of 'RudeBoi98'. If you met them in real life, they would run away at the mere thought of a fight. I've had a few of them comments on my Blog, which I think is evidence that I've made it.
The Internet has had an incredible amount of bad press also however. Only the other year some scientist said that 'Using Facebook could raise the risk of your child having cancer' and crying that 'It could ruin the brains of children effecting our future generation'. Well, I've been on Facebook a few years now and I'm no more stupid than I was before. Also, apparently, a rise in paedophilia has been recorded because a 42 year old man can pose as 15 year old girl of MSN or MySpace. No one said 70 years ago that 'Chimney sweeps could be a predator on your innocent teenage daughter' did they though. Anyway, I know I'm safe because if anyone wanted me, they'd have to be pretty darn desperate.

This has also been the decade of terror for other reasons. Ever since 11/9 (it's the right way around because I'm not American. They're the only country who writes the date the other way around - idiots) the Governments have drummed into us that we're living in a 'climate of fear' which they themselves created anyway. The planes crashing into the Twin Towers surely was a horrific moment of the decade, and is one thing it will be remembered for, but I don't think going to war with Afghanistan and Iraq has helped the situation. Overall, 6,255 people died in the Noughties because of the war. Then you have the bomb attack on a Spanish train, then the London Underground/Bus, Glasgow Airport and a Russian Train; as well as all the suicide attacks in the war-torn countries. Okay, not as bad as the World Wars, but still something a majority of people will remember about the decade.

The reality show boom. Yes, a lot of negative things happened during the Noughties. The popularity of these shows started at the dawn of decade, with Big Brother being the main one and then shows such as Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Then shows like I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing On Ice. This is what tarred the basic fabric of humanity apart during the decade, with 95% of conversations linking to Reality TV in one way or another. Don't even get me started on the stars that have been born from this obsession. People like Chantelle from Big Brother, Cheryl Cole from Pop Stars: The Rivals and recently Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent. The most annoyingly famous one of the lot however is Jade Goody. You may be surprised that I mentioned her name, but in 45 years time when some poor sods have to learn about Culture in the Noughties, she'll be one of the people mentioned to your Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren. Now who wants that? I sure don't! The history of the decade has been soiled because of Reality TV and Jade Goody.
Simon Cowell has been a giant influence upon the decade as well. At the turn of the decade he was relatively unknown and now he is better known than the Queen according to a recent study. This is the man who brought us the treats of Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. This is the man who has helped to escalate our nations hunger to be a celebrity. This is a man who makes millions from making people look like complete and utter idiots on national telly in front of 10 Million people on a weekly basis. This is a man who at one point was more well known for being an angry, white-teethed, trousers-around-the-neck annoyance with terrible hair. Now he has far too much respect, money and ego as a result of the Noughties.

Journalism. Now remember I want a career in Journalism so this is a profession I'm suppose to admire and constantly dream about. Infact, only the other day I received a conditional offer to study Journalism at University. Well believe it or not I hate a majority of Journalists. Since the death of our dear Princess Diana, press has been given a bad name; in much the same way as one of Bon Jovi's ex's gave love a bad name. Piers Morgan was a twat during the 90's but he's even worse now - he's on TV. The news seems to only focus on the pointless moments in life like celebrity love lives. "Forget Australia being completely destroyed by a nuclear bomb, did you say Wayne and Coleen Rooney may be getting divorced?" That's what it would be like anyway. I'm sure most Journalist's are lovely in real-life, but the persona created by most in the papers is quite an unpleasant one.

Then you also have the recession, which looms over us still as we pass into another decade. This brought an increase of Shoplifting into the decade and a rise in unemployment. The decade will be known for bankers pissing our money away so they can go fancy yachts with cheesy names such as 'Bay Dream' and 'Fishin' Impossible'. People in years to come will talk about a ‘Northern Rock’ which once stood in high streets and raconteurs will share stories of the time when they stood in lines for hours on end to enter this 'Northern Rock'.

Something else that has come out of the decade and the Internet is the ability to watch TV without turning the actual television on. Yes, iPlayer was born, meaning that people can watch something a week later after it was originally shown on their laptops, iPods and phones. Phones are another invention which has really excelled during the Noughties. At the turn of the decade people hadn't even started playing Snake on their mobiles with them being the size of an actual brick with giant buttons. Remember them? Well why don't you go on the Internet via your phone and have a look on Google images if you don't.

Apples played a big part in the decade. No, not the edible ones which keep the doctor away, I mean the company. The idea that someone could play a few songs without using a CD player or tape deck was revolutionary. Now we think nothing of having an entire music collection in our pocket to listen to when we want, where we want. Now that my friends, this is what geeks are for: coming up with absolutely fantastic inventions. I love my iPod. I love mine so much I've named him Oscar and surprisingly he has the exact same taste in music as I do.

Twitter is a micro-blogging site which really made it big in the final year of the decade, and I have to stand up and say "Yes, I am a Twitterholic". I find it absolutely fantastic. What did we do before Twitter? Did we shout short messages of 140 characters in length out the window at people innocently walking past? No, it is such a pointless invention and is why I adore it. Essentially Twitter is a legalised form of stalking. I now know whenever my friends are having a shower and I can even tell you when Chris Moyles is going for 5 mile run so you can pop around his house and burgle him. Just brilliant.

This was the decade in which people stopped talking and spelling properly too (or should I say 2?). It’s a pet peeve of mine. I think you will find ‘U’ is an inappropriate way of spelling ‘you’. Even meaningful sentiments like ‘I love you’ have been destroyed. You’re lucky if someone goes to the effort of putting ‘luv u’ really because people very commonly go ‘ily’. The English language is slowly being destroyed. Even laughter has been destroyed. People have actually started saying ‘LOL’ instead of laughing. It’s the most common piece of gobbledegook used in society these days, and I hate it; a generation of people who can only communicate if they’re typing or using acronyms.

Games have had a huge impact in the previous decade. Years ago we sat infront of silly 2D animation with repetitive hypnotising music. Now at the end of the decade people have realistic games in which you feel part of the experience. Whether you're running people over in a stolen car on Grand Theft Auto or playing tennis in your living rooms, you are living in a realistic revolutionary game. You can play on your own while eating a packet of Doritos's or on the Internet against a thousand people eating Doritos's. If someone said to you in 1999 that in 2009 you could flapping like a bird to 'exercise' on your games console or pretending you're in a war zone with real blood effects and talking to someone in Australia, you probably would have already called the local mental institution claiming they were insane.

Then we have pop culture. This is something I am not going to say I 'adore' or find 'fantastic' because I actually detest it. As I mention far too many times in my blogs; Jade Goody was pretty the face of everything I despise. Amy Winehouse constantly being in and out of rehab so many times I can't remember when I first lost interest in her. Naomi Campbell has hit so many cleaners that her house now looks like a pig sty. Heather Mills has crushed so many Beatles that she has been named a threat to the environment. Victoria and David Beckham have moved country so many times that they themselves have contributed to 10% of all pollution. That leaves Katie Price; well she alone caused the great 2005 shortage of plastic and has been spread over so many papers that I can't be bothered to think up another metaphor for her. These are people we're supposed to idealise? These are role models to the next generation of adults? Celebrity Pop Culture was possibly the worst part of the Noughties. The sad thing is as well, that it shows no signs of stopping during the Teens. Even if we perfect space travel in the decade, we wouldn't be able to hide from it. How I wish I was a hermit sometimes.

Much more happened in the previous decade however, but I don’t want to make this blog so incredibly long no-one reads it so I’ve decreased it the bigger moments. What wonders do we expect from the Teens though? Maybe Jonathan Ross will leave the BBC to go onto more exciting projects? Maybe Big Brother will come to an end? Maybe we will learn how to cope with snow? Maybe big football teams like Manchester United and Liverpool will be squashed by teams like Leeds and Reading? Maybe the cure for cancer will be found? Maybe the British public will stop moaning about every little thing which could be portrayed as 'insulting' on the BBC? Maybe I will be able to text from my phone without pressing the camera button by accident? Maybe my blog will be found by the editor from The Guardian and I'll be found and become a renowned famous Journalist (I'm allowed to dream)? It's even possible that Katie Price may find the perfect man.

We shall have to wait and see.