I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...
She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.
Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.
The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).
In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.
Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.
This is going to be a fun week...
We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:
Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.
Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.
TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.
Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.
Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.
General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.
That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...
In my idea of hell, there would be Jordan and Piers Morgan being played constantly on giant televisions everywhere. A few months ago on Piers Morgan's chat show, that came true, and they spoke to each other for an hour, talking about things I didn't care about (and in fact never watched because I never cared) but gave everyone the perfect reason to blow up their televisions. And last night, it came true again. Piers Morgan got two chairs and put them in Jordan's house, as well as a giant film crew to record another interview with Jordan, or Katie Price as she likes to be called, to talk about her extremely biased view of her break-up with Peter Andre.
The show started with an extract from their previous interview, of her saying hypocritically, that she was still in love Peter and would be together forever. Piers Morgan was quick to point this out in the interview and kept mentioning it to Katie. He kept doing a voice over in a stern; cuntish (is that a word? Well it is now) voice, where he summed up what the page 3 stripper had said in a language only a twat could fully understand. He even mentioned how she was hogging the headlines in the newspapers.
So, we go to a short ad break and come back to the 'Interview of the Year' and we get told all about the picture which apparently caused Pete to divorce Katie. It wasn't her fault at all apparently. I don't know who divorced who, and in fact I don't particularly care, but this was going to be a very biased interview from the start. We were only going to get one side of this argument. We have been told time and time again that Pete was the bastard in this story, and that Katie was the princess in this story. Piers even said that he had sympathy for Pete, even he could tell that this was actually her fault a bit.
We went back to Katie being a stupid hypocrite. One minute she hated Pete, the next she loved him. One minute she was saying she wanted privacy, which considering she is doing a TV interview about her private life, is extremely hard to believe. One minute she was saying she had left her Jordan life style behind her and wanted to be called Katie Price, just before she said that there will always be a bit of Jordan in her - she can't resist taking her clothes off when she was drunk. Okay, so half way through, and it seems we are talking to someone with a split personality. Just before going to a second break, we are left with her saying, in stronger language, that she didn't care what Pete thought, ringing in our ears.
Part three now, and we get onto the discussion about their latest reality show, with them in America, and Piers, with his eagle eyes, spots that they kept arguing, and asks why. Because they were with each other constantly and never had any private time apart apparently. Then an emotional, sympathetic bombshell is dropped on the Interview, where she calmly announced she was pregnant and the baby died, just before she cried, for about 10 seconds and goes back to calmly discussing it all, and saying again how much of a twat Pete was before crying again and saying that Pete dumped her just after the baby died. Then we get told about how she found out the baby had died, and continues to try and cry through her Botox. She then tells the story about how she triumphantly runs the London Marathon days after the miscarriage and bled the way through. Lovely image there.
She could have very easily have kept that to herself, there was absolutely no need to announce that to the world, so when she says that she didn't say that for the sympathy, it's very hard to believe. As you can tell, by the end of part three, I have grown absolutely no sympathy for her, and if anything have increased my dislike of her. She did however say that this Interview with Piers would be the only one she does on the subject of her divorce, so we can at least find solace in the fact that we haven't got to keep reading interviews with her, saying how hard life has been for the single parent with millions in the bank and giant boobs. But then who believes anything she says? I sure don't.
Welcome to part 4 and we are shown a few clips of Katie wearing hardly anything and showing off her 'assets'. To which Piers Morgan calls her a slapper. Now, this nearly made me walk out in the garden and hit myself over the head with a shovel again and again and again until I either died or luckily lost all my memory, because I have just agreed with something that Piers Morgan has said. I didn't however and I stayed to watch this interview.
Katie then goes on to state the obvious by saying 'I have a chest'. May have taken her over 10 years to work that out. She then flashed them at Piers Morgan. To which he said about a minute later 'Is there a chance of a new man in your life', and if you look, at this point his hands have actually moved to his private area, to which I think we all know was to cover an erection. He may be a twat, but he is still a man, and there aren't many straight men that wouldn't get a little excited at them being shoved in your face. So Katie then announces that she is now on the market, and thus this interview is finally ended.
My opinion is that they did break up for publicity reasons, but then I also believe they got married for publicity reasons, and I also believe they had children for the publicity as well as when they have an argument, it's for publicity. And there you go, my opinion is that their whole relationship was publicity based, and that they only broke up because ITV 2 wouldn't renew their contract for another series.
Anyway, to make up for this hour of hell, which was watched by 4.5 million other people, I watched Sean Lock Live on channel four, so it was evened out lovely.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx
I know I'm not the first person to realise this and say this, and I very much doubt I will be the last person, but celebrities seem to only have arguments in the gossip magazines, and like I've said before, the news on the telly is very good on reporting this arguments, with the latest example being Katie (Jordan) Price and Peter (Insania) Andre.
Regular readers of my blogs (Hello Chris), will be aware that I'm not exactly a fan of this whole 'celebrity' culture that we seem to be going through, and Jade Goody is the image of everything I hate about the gossip magazines, and the tabloid papers - oh and the broadsheets, the news on the telly, Internet and Radio, and people who talk/read about it, even though that does include a vast majority of my friends - but not everyone is perfect. Every magazine is full of celebrities saying how they lost weight by not eating lots of chocolate, describing all the sordid details of a celebrity breakup or exclusives on things I don't care about, like peoples weddings... Or funerals for that matter.
Another thing that I don't particularly care for in these kinds of magazines is the 'real-life' stories. The women who found out she had married a sloth, after thinking her husband of 4 years was just really hairy and lazy, or maybe the man who gets an erection when eating a ham sandwich, or maybe the women who opened the boot of her car and found her boyfriend and best friend playing chess together, or maybe the women who has amnesia and thought she had killed her husband, but later found out it was her dead dog she buried, or possibly the women who found out her goldfish could pleasure her after a 'slippery' accident. It's all just rubbish, and how people can find pleasure in them I will never know. The only way in which I get pleasure in them is the satisfactory wipe on my bottom after a visit to the loo.
Today my friend brought a copy of 'Okay' magazine, and there was at least 20 pages covering the history of Jordan and Peter's relationship. 20 PAGES! The first few pages were smothered in pictures with Jordan wearing a low-cut top believe it or not, and every page she seemed to change her opinion. One page she was so upset about Peter leaving, the next she saying that Peter was inappropriate for her, the next she was distraught, then the next page may as well been covered in the words such as 'C**t', 'Prick' and 'T**t'. There were numerous images of them together in the jungle, with him caressing her breast, then images of their wedding, then them renewing their vows and so. They even resulted in editing some images, with one of them being a tortoise and a heir with their heads on, and another with Jordan, but with the head of Danger Mouse. I never actually read it, and maybe if I did, I would know the point, but I'm one of these people who think that ignorance is bliss when it comes to the word ‘celebrity’.
Also, in the same magazine, Jordan is a columnist - as an agony aunt, in which each letter begins with 'Dear Jordan'. These agony aunt columns are a feature of all magazines. A majority of the problems are all from the plain ignorant, asking about underage sex, or whether size matters, or maybe people confessing they're having an affair with two men, and are just gloating about it. The person, usually a female, will give a sympathetic answer, dropping in one of their past experiences, and I guess with Jordan having a lot of past experiences in these matters, she is perfect. These I have to admit are entertaining to read, but then so is junk mail telling you about some gobbledegook you don't care about, and end up laughing about as you put it in the recycling box.
Another regular feature in pretty much all magazines is a trees worth of images of 'affordable' clothes and fashion tips, from a woman whose best friend is Photoshop. That buying this mascara will make you look pretty, although the image contains fake eye-lashes. Maybe this top from Next will be the perfect way to look exactly like your idol. It's full of crap, which I think makes a lot of women feel bad about themselves. There are articles though which also make men like myself, feel pretty darn bad about themselves, besides the fact I hate these magazines.
A regular thing which can be found in one these glossy gossip magazines is something called 'Torso of the Week', in which women turn to and they feel there insides warm up at the sight of someone, not much older than me, with a body 'you'd just die for'. Now, the only way I could be 'Torso of the Week' is if I join Weight Watchers and they do a 'Torso of the Week' to boost moral within the group. I am not what teenagers call 'fit', and I never have been called it, and I doubt I ever will really, but that doesn't bother me. I find that exhibiting torsos on weekly bases to be degrading to men frankly, and also puts a lot of pressure onto men to look good.
Aside from these magazines helping me reach the depths of self pity every time my friends read them, these magazines are just complete and utter rubbish. I have never found how people find them entertaining, but then I have never fully understood the word 'celebrity'. All Jade Goody is famous for, is being selected by the people who choose the contestants of Big Brother because she would be a good catalyst for arguments and drama within the house. That's all. All that Katie Price is famous for is having breast implants then showing off the results at every opportunity. I would think these kinds of magazines were the work of the devil if I was a religious person.
The names are another thing that annoy me. They are just simple words such as; Okay, Heat, Hello, Starz and so on. I had the idea of naming one 'Laundrette' because that's where people go publicly wash the dirty little secrets, like a laundrette, but my friend pointed out it has too many syllables, which is right. But please, someone, tell me the point. I really do not get the point on wasting that amount of money. Why don't you save up the money you would spend for a few weeks, then buy yourself a nice book, or maybe just go and do something creative, just stop funding people like Piers Morgan. They don't deserve it, the same way no-one deserves to have their brains stuffed full of completely useless facts, which are only useful for conversations by the water cooler. No-one is forcing you to have a conversation every time you go and get some cool water.
Anyway, I must stop now otherwise I will get too angry...
So Toodles M'dearys
xXXx
This is going to be a fun week...
