The Princess and Her Privacy

Well, at least they did until this week. You would have thought being Princess, and being the future Queen of England, you wouldn't have nude photographs of yourself passed around the Internet for everyone to ejaculate over. For example, when our current Queen was just a Princess Royal, were nude photographs of her circulated? No. How about the Duke of Edinburgh? Did we have pictures of him naked, with only his cupped hands to protect his manhood. No. Or how about Prince Charles and Camilla? Well, thankfully not.

When the Queen was in her twenties and courting Phillip, the possibility of the paparazzi hounding them was unthinkable. In fact, photographers were not even called by the now derogatory term 'paparazzi'; they were just called ‘photographers’. Now, when the young Royal couple go anywhere in the World, they are followed by photographers and journalists. They are then kept in designated pens from which they are allowed to watch Prince William and Princess Kate collect flowers from young children, as they smile continuingly.

If Only Diana Were Alive!

Everything for the past few weeks has been to do with the Royal Wedding. Prince William and Kate (From today called Catherine) have made their vows and tied the metaphorical knot of marriage, unless Westminster Abbey was blown up and I didn’t get chance to remove this blog before it posted at it’s scheduled time of course (if that is the case, I apologise for my insensitivity). Anyway, let’s assume they haven’t been horrifically murdered.

Is it just me who thinks this looks like a promotional shot for a new Doctor Who alien?

Every media outlet has been bursting with excitement at this event. The news has interviewed Kate Middleton’s distant family who own chips shops and interviewing people she went to school with to find out what kind of girl she was. The news has covered all the preparation details from policemen checking drains for bombs and transatlantic TV channels setting up a media centre not far from Buckingham Palace. People watch the news to get updates on the days national and international events; not speculation about a wedding. There’s been speculation about what the wedding dress will look like, and whether she’ll wear long or short arms. Phoooar, I hoped she was to wear short sleeves; nothing like a bit of Royal elbow action!

We’ve had predictions about the weather, which I predict will have undoubtedly been wrong. There have been rumours of what David Cameron will wear. The SkyHDCopter has been circling the route for the past week, to needlessly pump fumes into the Ozone Layer and achieve very little else. Obviously, there have been many comparisons to Diana. There verb ‘commoner’ has insultingly been continuously used to describe Kate Middleton, and the emphasis has repeatedly been that on the 29th of April 2011, she becomes something meaningful – a Princess. Prince Harry dated a girl named ‘Chelsy’. Princess Chelsy. Now, that’s common. Kate is not.

This wedding has rekindled the argument of whether we, as a nation, still need a monarchy. Notice that only idiots say ‘No’ in that debate. The people that think we shouldn’t have a monarchy are the same people that idolise Katie Price and her weddings. At least Royal Weddings happen infrequently instead of it being a bi-annual event.

I would never use the word ‘Royalist’ to describe myself. I’m not their biggest fan. I haven’t got a display cabinet in my house which is full of Royal memorabilia like a mug for the Queen’s coronation or a plate with the face of Prince Charles and Diana on it and nor am I gaining an erection at the chance to buy more Royal wedding memorabilia. I just appreciate the history of our country, which always remains synonymous with the Royal family. Almost the entire World appreciates it, apart from the infuriatingly ignorant disciples of Katie Price.

Imagine a World where Britain never had a monarchy. England wouldn’t have its beautiful castles or other classic British attractions. Fairy Stories would involve back alleys instead of a Prince wooing his Princess. Disney wouldn’t have its Disney Princess franchise (This surprisingly upsets me). We Brits would be much more like Europe. Visitors wouldn’t flock to our country, and therefore we would be skint. Money would look a lot different. And the most horrifying: Blackadder may have never existed!

Okay, they are not the greatest reasons ever, but they should be carefully considered before we even embark on hinting at the possibility of starting to think about the removal of our Royals. Britain without a monarchy is like a dog without a bone: It will survive, but it would lose its spirit and never quite be the same again.

And Diana. We wouldn’t have idolised her if it wasn’t for the Royal Family! We wouldn’t have had a week of national mourning when she was killed in a tunnel in France. We wouldn’t find all the jokes about her death funny because we wouldn’t have a clue of who she was. Mind you, if it wasn’t for the Royal family, one could probably argue she would still be alive, but instead working as a checkout girl at Asda. Swings and roundabout aye?

So, the People’s Princess has been dead for over a decade, and we have slowly lost faith in our monarchy and its usefulness. Maybe Princess Catherine will tug on the nations Heartstrings to become the next Queen of our Hearts. Mind you, the Queen does have no power. All the decisions are made by the politicians and she just sits there pretending to care and nodding at the appropriate times.

We all secretly love the Queen though. It’s like the way we love our Mum’s. We have no actual reason to love them, but they’ve always been there and we know that society says we should, so we do. It’s instinctive, maternal love. We should take great pride in our Queen. We don’t have enough pride for her these days. We seem to have evolved into a cynical, stoical nation of people. And how many people actually know our National Anthem? Not many. Not even I know it. It should have been compulsorily taught to us in Primary school, along with the association of characters to letters of the alphabet, like Kicking King (For the letter K) and Kissing Cousins (to represent the letter X?), as well as learning about Autumn every Autumn.

It doesn’t matter what you think about the Royal family, because they are not going to just give up their power, and a military coup is very unlikely. So if you don’t like it, either get used to the Royal family or move to America where you can then look at us, full of admiration.

That is my biggest annoyance! Bloody indecisive Americans! During the civil war they kicked us out, and now, they want in. They admire our Royal family. They seem to even admire our British ideals. Bloody hypocrites! Then, ironically, we seem to admire Barack Obama and wish we had such a powerful, elegant leader. Typical neighbours; looking over each other’s fences (in this metaphor, the Atlantic Ocean is the ronsealed fence) at their lives, full of jealousy.

Well, I hope you Brits enjoyed your Street parties, filled with VE Day spirit with cupcakes, crumpets, bunting and the typical British weather, and I hope you Yanks enjoyed waking up early to see a wedding full of people you have never heard nor care about.

One last thought: Why didn’t we charge the Yanks an extortionate rate for the rights to show the wedding and pay for it that way, as opposed to letting them enjoy festivities for a cheap price? It would save our pounds sterling. I’m sure Fox News could afford it.

Good luck to the newest Royal wedding; they need it. And long live Princess Catherine. I hope she lasts longer than Diana. OH, IF ONLY DIANA WERE STILL ALIVE TODAY!