Britain's Got Pomposity

Another series has gone by with a Dog act finally winning, resulting in a slight smile from Simon Cowell and Twitter being swarmed with the same joke regarding the £500,000 prize money and Pedigree Chum. Ha ha ha! Think of all dog food it'll get to eat! Ha ha ha, you're all so funny and original!

Just like every year, it was apparently 'the hardest to call' with all the acts being 'brilliant' and 'worthy of winning the competition'. In fact, a number of acts this year were 'dark horses of the competition'.  Taking all of that into consideration, you wonder why they waste time showing the painfully crap acts, and why there are some people who sit on their high horse, refusing to watch it.

The Other Way Is Sussex

Television isn't in a great place at the moment. There are moments when brilliance peers through, like the sun shining through occasional holes in the dark, rain-filled clouds of idiocy, but overall, only taboo language can successfully describe the light emitted from everyone's televisions. Dramas are, for the most part, relatively predictable and usually pretty boring these days. Comedy's are, for the most part, aimed at the stereotypically stupid and mentally disabled. Talent shows are, for the most part, fixed to give Simon Cowell media coverage and money. And documentaries; they seem to be choreographed to show the 'real lives' of the stereotypically stupid and horny, shown on ITV 2 and E4.

With television being mostly repeats, it's not so much a bother that the output is mainly crap, than it would have been 15 years ago before we had a huge selection of TV to choose from, but it is. With there being very little output of new shows, we need those shows to be brilliant, fantastic, sensational, inspiring and many other buzz words. Let's take comedies as an example. It's all a matter of opinion, I know, but comedy isn't funny.

I can think of three sitcoms in recent years, that have come from British television, which are reliably funny; Outnumbered (BBC 1), The IT Crowd (C4) and Not Going Out (BBC 1). The former is a great, part improvised, comedy with child actors to be jealous of and wish were your own children. It is the younger, funnier brother of My Family, in that most people can relate to it in one way or another. The IT Crowd is just written by one of our greatest comedy writers in current times; Graham Lineham, who created characters people emphasis with whilst laughing at, and has storylines that take the strangest of turns and can have a house of people cackling madly. The latter, Not Going Out, has those brilliant one lines that resonate and make you laugh louder the more you think about it and stay with you for a long time. The acting may not be anything special, but those lines make up for it. The BBC made a good choice when they decided to 'uncancel' it. Also, take Horrible Histories (CBBC), highly amusing and possibly one of the greatest current comedies, with it mixing intellect with witty sketches. The kids have it so good these days. I had an idea that they should create an adult version for a prime-time BBC 2 slot, but you know what, I think if they showed the CBBC episodes in the evening, it would be just as successful. Plus, people might actually learn something about the Romans, The Tudors and more importantly, The Stuarts! I loved those books when I was child, and turning it into a television show, albeit 10 years late, was a great idea.

The other sitcoms that keep spewing out are not reliably funny and can sometimes make you cringe and want to eat your own eyes and ears so you don't have to withstand another second of it. Anything on BBC 3 usually ticks that box. Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, which I hope is ironically named, is awful, disgusting and utterly vile. Coming of Age seems to think it has cleverly exaggerated the teenage stereotype with humorous consequences, but has instead created glaringly wretched characters with storylines so weak an Ant could beat it in a fight. We Are Klang, from 2009, with Greg Davies had some great ideas, but they were tearfully mistreated, and in the true style of BBC 3, unfunny and utterly cringe worthy.

My Family (BBC 1) should have been cancelled years ago. I used to really enjoy it when I was younger, but now I'm older, the show is older and the family are older, it just doesn't work anymore. Most people will agree that it went downhill when Nick (you know, the man from the BT Ads. He recently became a father and got married. We're all happy for the BT couple…) left the show. Now the children aren't children, it has failed to continue to be a family sitcom, which is were Outnumbered steps in and takes the reins. Everyone wave goodbye to the Harper family. Go on, wave! It's the final series. Toodles!

I come from the era of Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. Back in the days when they wrote comedy and when comedy was great. How can I watch comedy from 30 years ago and laugh harder than what I do at current sitcoms? Blackadder: Sarcastic brilliance. Fawlty Towers: Unbelievably angry humour. Monty Python: Mind-blowingly, erratically random, superbness. Not The Nine O'clock News: Fantastically satirical sketch show. One Foot In The Grave: Belly laughter with a dash of sentimentality. Anything with Ronnie Barker: Well he was just a linguistic genius. There are so, so, so many more. Why can't we make shows like them anymore? Who the bloody hell thought Mrs Brown's Boys (BBC 1) was funny? The audience laughed at the word 'Willy'. That is how bad comedy is; people found that show so funny, it's been commissioned a second series. The BBC 1 controller is robbing ME and YOU of brilliant, clever, witty, laugh out loud humour. How dare him! I will soon be paying my TV license to fund television atrocity such as that.

The God of our dear English language!

Soaps used to represent the real lives of real people. Sure, they exaggerated it a bit to make it more entertaining than mundane, but it still had the ingredients of real life. Now, they seem to have lost the recipe and are now just experimenting to try and give it a bit of a kick; and they ruined it. Coronation Street is the main culprit. A tram crash. Numerous explosions within the past year. Dead bodies buried and hidden everywhere. The placentas of illegitimate children cover the cobbles. Murderer's hide everywhere. What kind of street is this? The crime statistics of Coronation Street must be awful. Its surprising people move there. The writers need to be strung up and shot. The story lines are awful. Then, they're about to destroy the Rovers Return in a huge riot. These aren't stories to entertain, infuse and grab the viewers’ attentions while helping them forget their problems. It's not that anymore. Coronation Street used to be funny. Now, they're trying to turn the soap into a huge production; like they're The Bourne Ultimatum or something. It's ridiculous I tells ya!

Talent shows are now so unbearable to watch. Sure, they were not exactly the most entertaining or morally right shows on the box a few years ago, but now they're just ridiculous. I think Simon Cowell should now just go and live with his metaphorical mistress (America) and leave us (Britain) to move on and carry on life without him. He's either with us, or with those slutty Yanks. The same goes for Piers Morgan while we're on that topic. Keep them, we don't want them back. They're your problems now! Anyway, talent shows are on the way out, and they should just leave respectfully instead of kicking up an undignified fuss. Britain's Got Talent (ITV) is over, you don't need to import David Hasslehoff for us to realise that. Britain has very little talent, and dancing dogs are not part of it. The X Factor too has gone. It can never recover now the peoples' princess, Cheryl Cole, has had her public image tarnished in such a disrespectful way. A show with Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa? Please, that sounds worse than an American chat show hosted by scared-ferret-in-a-suit, Piers Morgan.

Yet, for some reason, they won't let Big Brother die. Last year, it finished. This year, Channel 5 and that bastard Richard Desmond, have brought it back. Now, I also think reality television is, even if very slowly, dying. We all know that comebacks usually don't work. Take the band Blue; they came back and we still hate them. Take Michael Schumacher; he was World F1 champion, but since he returned last year, he hasn't even won a podium. There should be a general rule, which means should you chuck in the towel, you can never come back. That's the one positive thing about Jade Goody; she isn’t coming back! We don't seriously need Big Brother do we? It's always the same every year; a few gay, very bitchy men, in a house with a few idiotic slutty blonde men and women, a hip black man, a middle aged man trying to impress their child and a few people who resemble house plants and vacuums with gormless faces drawn on. Exactly, we don't need Big Brother!

Now, reality television shows are being replaced by ‘reality documentaries’. Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (C4) seemed to be the first to kick it off with its huge popularity. You know those novelty toilet brush covers from the 90's? The women in the show look just like them. It's just a way of making people who work hard all their life think 'How the hell can they do nothing with their lives and afford that wedding, when I work 5 days a week and think buying a pizza on a Friday is pushing the boat out!' It made you resent Gypsies even more; but not as much as the Gypsies you see in town forcing heather in tinfoil down people’s throats for £1.

The popular reality documentaries now, are The Only Way is Essex (ITV 2) and Made In Chelsea (E4), with a new show Geordie Shore (MTV) slowly gaining popularity. These three shows are the tackiest shows on British television, possibly ever.  I haven't watched them, but from the adverts and from what I've heard, these are the stupidest, sluttish, glamed-up freaks that we have ever seen. Big breasts, hair extensions and more make-up than the Avon catalogue; it's like Katie Price has been cloned, and then, they’ve spread them across the country and sent TV crews to film their integration into society. THEN, The Only Way Is Essex won a bloody BAFTA! This is the evidence that television is going down the drain. Society is going down with it, and we're drowning in that dirty bath water, urine, excrement and the stubble from the legs of females, and it'll get in your throat and, it just doesn’t bare thinking about.

So, a conclusion. There is very little comedy that is actually funny. Documentaries are not very informative. Dramas are very little in way of dramatic, apart from occasional glimpses of greatness on BBC 1. Reality hasn't shown the real lives of anyone recently. Soaps are competing with Hollywood films. Talent shows are just a way of showcases Simon Cowell's new facelift. And Gypsies; since when did they become popular?

Britton's Got Tarrent

Yes, it is the ITV show in which the former day-time television host kidnaps the primetime quiz-show favourite, and for his return wants her career back. Hang on, I think I may have got slightly confused. Britain's Got Talent, the ITV show in which a couple of Geordie presenters lark about behind a curtain while three television 'personalities' judge the 'talent' that the general public of 'Britain' have, in order to provide an 'entertaining' show. Actually, I think the former sounds much better now...

Okay, so I am three weeks late with this blog about Britain's Got Talent, but it goes to prove how dedicated I have been to my studies; which have now finally finished - for now. Anyway, due to it being a while ago, my memory slightly fails me, so I shall my best.

Let us start with the winners. A acrobatics group called Spelbound who consisted of numerous young boys and girls to numerous young men and women. They were okay, but I was not keen on them. Everyone else thought they were brilliantly talented and were more than worthy of winning the big spot at the Royal Albert Hall. I feel there is too much consistency with the whole show itself. First year - Paul Potts (not the evil dictator - that's a different spelling) the bad-toothed opera singer won. The second year, Diversity, a group of dancers won and now Spelbound, a group of people performing a routine won. That is two slightly similar acts in the past two years. We don't have a great deal of talent really do we?

My two favourites to win the competition this year were either Twist And Pulse, two male dancers who combined street dance and comedy, or Paul Burling who was an impressionist. They both got into the final, which is a first for the two acts I liked to make it to the final. It was a more diverse final though, with the obvious few dancers, the few singers, an impressionist, a dancing dog and a drummer.

Something (well, one of many factors) which I found very annoying about the live shows of Britain's Got Talent is all the camera angles. Now, imagine you are trying to watch people dance and every 5 seconds they change the camera angel so you miss bits of the dance. They do wide shots so you can see the audience, but you can barely see the act performing if you squint. The flying camera angles which go from one side of the studio to another are just as irritating. You are trying to watch something and you can't because the director believes it would be idiotic to have the same camera angel throughout the performance. You would not go and watch a school performance and spend the whole time running around the hall to get a variety of angels, so why do it when we're trying to watch a dog dance? I just found that utterly ridiculous.

I have also concluded that the show is just inefficient. The show is mainly just dancers and singers, with the occasional novelty act which will never win. Well, considering ITV already have a singing show called 'The X-Factor' which you may have heard of, it seems pointless putting singers on Britain's Got Talent. So, the first change would be moving all singers to the X-Factor auditions. The second change would be changing the name of the show to 'Britain's Got Dancers' because that is the main brunt of the good performances to be honest. Of course, now that you've turned this into a dancing show, ITV's 'Dancing On Ice' can be scrapped because you don't want to show too much dancing on one channel. Also, now that it has been turned into a dancing show, the novelty, useless acts can no longer be apart of the show. However, the solution for this is just sending all other applicants to either Brighton Pier or The Circus, and then ITV can replace 'You've Been Framed' with occasional footage from Brighton Pier and The Circus. Sorted!

What is next for Spelbound now that they won Britain's Got Talent? Not a lot I don't suppose once they have done their performance at The Royal Albert Hall. Paul Potts performed there, got his teeth sorted, released an album and now we have not heard of him since. Diversity done their performance infront of the Queen, one of them became a judge on a Sky talent show and the others are occasionally seen in adverts on the Telly. My suggestion to Spelbound is once they've done their royal performance; they should try and audition as the Hitler Youth in a stage show, because they would be perfect. If Hitler were alive today and he saw them performing on Britain's Got Talent, he would have been so happy.

A nice short(ish) blog to ease you back into my regular blogging. Next blog, unless I have a change of heart, will be about Doctor Who and whether I did enjoy it in the end.

P.S. I'm aware Keith Chegwin Tweeted 'Britton's Got Tarrent' a few weeks ago, but I thought it up before him, however, I am not claiming I was first person to ever think it up, I'm just saying I'm better than Keith Chegwin.

The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

Am I Watching Britain's Got Talent or X-Factor?

Okay, that's not exactly a unique observation, a lot of people have commented on how the new format is the same as Britain's Got Talent - even Cowell himself. Anyway, the auditions have come to an end and honest, I don't think the new format is any better or worse. It's just a way of increasing the embarrassment levels for the damn right awful and increasing the confidence of the spectacular, and I suppose that's a good think really, in a kind of twisted way.

There is one major difference between the new format of X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent, and that is the lack of a buzzer and a giant X above the stage. However, to compensate for the loud, annoying, buzzer sound, the X-Factor does allow Dannii Minogue to talk, so they're about equal on the annoying sounds. Another difference between the two is the lack of an Ant and a Dec, as well as not having a twat (Piers Morgan), sitting on the end making silly jokes - Louie Walsh is there for that job.

This is nothing new, and infact, apart from having a few thousand people sitting behind the judges clapping like children’s wind-up toys in the audtions, it's exactly the same. As usual, you can tell right from the beginning of the clip, whether the contestant is going to be fantastic or utterly rubbish. If there is a sob story just before then they'll be great. A tale of someone coping with autism is one and another is losing his job. Also, the background music has become synonymous with the contestants talent ability. If something like the Steptoe & Sons theme tune is played, you instinctively think rubbish. Should something cheery and soft come on you think they'll be great. There aren’t really any surprises in the X-Factor, or indeed any 'reality' show on the goggle box.

The new format does allow the contestant to sing to backing music, as opposed to standing awkwardly in a quiet room like they used to. Having the music to sing to is great for the people with talent, and just enhances how good they sound. However, as always you have the talentless contestants who also sing with music, and it just makes them sound even worse. It makes it easier to tell that they're not in beat, as well as just making their voice sound like someone pleasuring themselves with a hedgehog (not a nice image there - sorry).
In the old format, when you get the final 10, friends and family all started wearing T-shirts with the name and photo of their loved one (basically just a notice board which walks around and cheers) to show support. Now however, almost every contestant comes with an entourage of people wearing white T-shirts with their face on, and you do feel sorry for all those people wasting money to get the T-shirts made and they don't even get through to the next round because the contestant was bloody awful.

I am still amazed by the amount of awfully deluded people that go on the show believing that they really do have 'The X-Factor'. Yet now it's not quite so fun watching them for two reasons. Firstly, because you do (or I did at least), have a great deal of sympathy for that person on stage in front of thousands of people singing badly and just being humiliated. Secondly, people don't retaliate half as much as they used to. Maybe it's because of the great depression caused by Credit Crunch and worrying how to pay the bill for the T-shirts or maybe just because they have an audience. Either way, it's a shame because I really did enjoy watching people shout at Simon.
One great thing about angry contestants is that they all say the same comment ‘I'd like to see Simon go up on stage and sing'. Since when has Simon said he can sing? I don't think he'd ever dispute that he couldn't do it, but he's famous for being reasonably good at producing and judging good talent -that's his job. The mind of a deluded person seems very interesting.

Another thing with contestants, particularly the elderly female ones, is that they are incredibly horny! As are Simon and Louie. It's just a very odd experience to sit and watch a 78 year old women telling Simon she'd like him to be her Toy-Boy, or telling Louie how they admire him for reasons I can't quite comprehend. Then you get the young women who seem to flirt with Cheryl, telling her how they admire her so much and want to be just like her. Sweet, but again slightly odd, but who does Dannii get to flirt with? No-one, bless her.

It does seem whenever Cheryl talks to a fellow scouse person, they begin to sound like they're talking in their own language, and then she uses it as an excuse to get on stage and give them hug. Infact, Cheryl seems to use any excuse to get on stage and hug contestants. As soon as someone begins to cry, she'll jump up and rush onto the stage to save the contestant from the nasty wasty comments.
Nasty comments, aren't really nasty comments though, I think they call it the truth in some social circles. Simon Cowell is famed for being a big, nasty man who wants to crush everyone's dreams, when really he's saying what everyone else is thinking, and because the people can't accept it, it's interpreted into nastiness.

With Louie sitting in place of where Mr Twat would sit on the judging panel of Britain's Got Talent, it does seem Louie has started using some of Morgan's habits. One for example is the bad puns used to say yes or no. To say yes to someone who has just sung a Girls Aloud song, he'll say 'I'll stand by you, it's a yes from me' or to say no to someone who has just sung a Michael Jackson song (as an awful tribute), he'll tell them to 'Beat it'. Just awful.

One last point I have before I'll have to end this long blog, is the Juxtaposition between Simon and Cheryl who usually sit next to each other. Cheryl makes an effort to wear something different and lavish everyday to look 'stunning'. Yet Simon sits wearing the same thing, just alternating the colour of the t-shirt; Jeans and a white or grey t-shirt. Surely he can afford to wear something a bit different, but that's not important, it's a talent show, not a fashion show, so not sure why I felt the need to mention it. Nether-the-less, I did!

The end has come and I think I should tell you not to get too excited at what I'm about to tell you. Susan Boyle is releasing an album in November. I expect every person reading this has just let out an involuntary cheer and is now so exited they've rushed onto Play.com to pre-order the CD (hint of sarcasm there?), so I'll end.

Toodles M’dearys
xXXx

P.S. Don't forget Sunday my blog appearance will change and a new blog will be posted, to mark the one year anniversary of me updating my blog, so that's something for you to look forward to.

Yes, Another Pompous Review

IT'S NOW OVER! I promise this will be my last blog about Britain's Got Talent, well until next year anyway. You may have noticed that this past week, everywhere has been mainly about Britain's Got Talent - even if you went on holiday, you wouldn't get away from it because the world is addicted apparently. Twitter is swamped by comments about it, Facebook is full of supporters creating fan group, and the newspapers are loving it, as well as the news programs which directly follow it and tell us what happened all over again.

Let's just quickly run through the acts that made it into the final. Flawless, a dance group, which were very similar to Diversity in the fact both groups were made of dancers from different minorities. There was Aidan Davis, who was also a dancer, who was compared to being the next Justin Timberlake, and he was good. Also there was another dance duo, called Stavros Flatley who were a Greek father and son group, who do Irish dancing. I say Irish dancing, all they seemed to do was prance around the stage with their tops off - their influence looked to be Omid Djalili. So, that's 4 dance acts.
We had Shaheen Jafargholi, which isn't just a load of letters stuck together, it is actually his name, and for some reason my spell checker doesn't like it. Anyway, he was a young singing boy, who sung some songs. We had 2 Grand, who are a Grandfather/Granddaughter singing act, who sung together quite well, seeming to favour the more operatic songs. As did Hollie Steel, the blabber mouth as The Sun called her Saturday, who cried in the Semi-Finals because she got nervous. It's not her fault. She didn't want to sing, and when her mother pushed her on stage in that ballerina costume, it really hurt. Shaun Smith was singer too, and indeed, my favourite singer of the lot as he was singing my kind of songs. We also had Susan Boyle, who we all know as that Scottish thing. Her dress for the final made her look like a mermaid - who had eaten all the fish in the ocean. So that's 5 singing acts.
The last act was Julian Smith, who seems to only know how to play two songs, but managed to bluff his way to the final. He was a rather good saxophone player, and was the only saxophone player in the finals. However, in the semi-finals there was a bloke who could make the sound of a saxophone for the sake of it, but he didn't make it to the final surprisingly.
So going by those statistics, that means the world now thinks that 40% of us can dance, 50% sing and the other 10% all go around playing the saxophone. Not exactly a huge range of talent we seem to have here by the looks of it. One thing I noticed is that I don't remember seeing one comedian this year, which means we're all serious twerps as well. None of us can act either because no actors got into the semi finals. There were no painters, meaning we must all live dull lives. There were no writers, which is a talent, all be it a rather dull one to watch. There was a group of knitters, but they weren't entertaining enough and resulting in them being booed off. Britain has more talent to offer than singers, dancers and a saxophone player - surely.

I must say though, that I am rather proud of you lot. Julian Smith, the saxophone player came third. Susan Boyle, the new Jade Goody as far as I'm concerned came second and Diversity, the dance act who I was supporting to win, actually won - I picked a winner. You didn't listen to The Sun tell 'subtly' tell you to vote for Susan Boyle because she was the best (which she wasn't), you actually grew a backbone and voted for the talent in the competition - Diversity.
Although now, it seems we must have slipped into a parallel universe, because this was bad, according to Piers Morgan's posy, which is more commonly known as 'The Media'. The headlines have included things such as 'Britain's Got Talent Upset'. Yes, it seems that the public went mad, and voted for the wrong person last night - how could Diversity possibly win. Potato face was obviously the best act... The media are not happy today. It's almost as bad as Diana dying. You see the media are always right. Either they predicted something right and boast about it, or they were right, and everyone else was wrong. At the moment, it's the latter.
This is all despite the fact that we have found out that Susan Boyle is set to make over £8millon through her Internet success, so unfortunately, this isn't the last we have heard of her, and there is some more mileage for the media to push her through. I'm expecting Diversity to perform in front of the Queen, and unless Prince Charles makes a racist remake towards them, be forgotten about and cast to metaphorical waste bin of reality TV, were David Van Day, Jade Goody and Michael Barrymore now rest, because they have been overshadowed by a huge Boyle.

But despite all that, let me say once again to you - the general public; Thank-you for not giving Susan Boyle a majority of the votes on the Britain's Got Talent final. Don't get used to it though, it won't be long before you all do something stupid and I have to write another blog calling you all idiots, yet again.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

The Past Seven Weeks Have Just Flown By...

I know I've already done a Britain's Got Talent blog, but another is deserved, because every time Piers Morgan came on the screen and said some crap, I just had 'Twat' pop up in bright, red, flashing lights - and for the record, I believe that Mr Methane (the farting guy) taught Piers Morgan to talk out of his arse...

I am intrigued as to what happened to Ant & Dec last night, because they didn’t seem to be on top form – well Ant wasn’t. He’s look for the evening seemed to be a bowling pin, with freshly painted black hair. His features also seem to be slipping further down his face. Dec seemed to be carrying him really, as well as the show, and it’s not a usual thing for me not to say positive things about Ant & Dec.

Something else which is annoying me is the amount of singing on Britain's Got Talent, and that is including Susan Boyle, because that's what 'The X Factor' is for, for British singing talent. Britain's Got Talent should be used as a way to celebrate the 'Diversity' (See what I done there...) of talent that we have here in Britain, from dancing groups, to violin players, to complete and utter freaks, with unusually large earlobes. I shall comment on the acts from the first of the semi finals, with my cynical view.

So, Diversity were the opening act for the Semi-Finals, and I must say, the best act of the night, and luckily they got through, and it must be the first time I agreed with Piers Morgan on something, but I'll try not to make it a regular occurrence, otherwise I may have to shoot myself with a gun loaded with shame. I like these street dance acts; I think they are really clever, because I could never do that, and at the end of their performance, with them incorporating people picking up the phone and voting for them in their act, was pretty darn clever choreography.

We had Natalie, a 10 year old (I think) who had quite a mature voice for someone her age, and she was good. The one thing I don't like about all these child singing acts is the fact they are children, and I'm against them being shoved in front of the camera by their parents and forced to sing to an audience otherwise they don't get their meal served on their favourite plate. I believe that if they are good when they are young, they will be excellent when they are older, so why can't they wait until they're sixteen and shove them on X-Factor. Luckily, she didn't get through - however she did cry live on telly, but not to worry, it was past her bed time.

We then had time for some surreal 'dancing', with Darth Jackson coming onto the stage, with a trademark white glove. It was a piece of very basic choreographed danced, with it really only involving him and some other people in costume moving across the stage. We also had SueSon, who was a violin player. Nothing out of the ordinary, she wasn't playing whilst eating fire, or playing with a venomous snake, she was just playing a violin - something rather a lot of people can do these days - so nothing that special. After her performance though, Simon Cowell said ''I'd sacrifice friendship over success any day", which I think is a good quote, which sums him up really and that is the reason for his success – no friends.

For Britain's Got Imported Talent - The Belly Dancer impressed the two guys with her assets, but Amanda buzzed not because she was jealous of her body, but because she was concerned about the Queen not appreciating Charles and her boys slobbering over the sight of her. I'm assuming she wasn't talking about Prince Andrew though... All I can say is that I'm glad there was a desk in front of Simon and Piers.

For some comic relief, in the form of the village people and another dance act, we had 'Faces of Dance', in which they put on faces of famous people, while dancing - this time to 'In The Navy'. First we had the pleasure of seeing Obama and Gordon dancing, summing up Britain and America's relationship, which was then strangely followed by The Queen and Prince Phillip dancing along. Next up was Ant and Dec, in which the camera turned to the real ones laughing, and then onwards to the faces of Jordan and Peter for some satirical dancing as I liked to call it. Last we had Simon and... Well Simon, and another Simon, and another and another, and in fact the stage then became infested with Simon Cowell's, dancing with their tops off.
The reactions from the judges involved Piers being less smug, because he wasn't included and made 'jokes' showing his jealousy, then Amanda who was dribbling more than what the other two did around the belly dancer, and making many sexual innuendo's because they had a six pack. Then Simon Cowell was just very big faced... Literally.

We also had a guy called Mick Hell and his fiancée, who’s chosen backing music was Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love, which I think perfectly described their relationship. He was basically a guy who stuck a drill up his nose, held an axe between his legs using his ear lobes, and took a chainsaw to his fiancée who was yielding a cucumber. I can only assume he was trying to kill her so he didn't have to marry the women who looked like she had been sacked from being Santa's Lil Helper because she kept putting drugs in the toy trains. In an attempt to be funny though, Mr Twat said 'Can you use the chainsaw on Simon', but luckily the audience didn't laugh, so he was quickly put in his place.

The final act was Susan Boyle, who did get through to the finals because of YOU, the British public, doing exactly what the media told you to do – yet again. You all voted for her because the media keep shoving her in your faces so much you've actually grown to 'like' her and feel sympathy for the confident bitch. The media attention she's got from both sides of the Atlantic is pathetic, but now she has too much confidence. Personally I think her and Piers should run off together because they are obviously perfectly suited, and he resorted to claiming that she was the saviour of the world, spreading hope to 58 million computer screens. Twat.
Anyway, within the first 5 seconds she went off key twice, but I must say she made a good recovery, but she was still a disappointment. And she does look terrible. If you thought Paul Potts was bad, you haven't seen anything. I would describe her look as a potato with the roots as hair and two slugs for eyebrows. At one point, the camera angle made it look like she had light shinning out of her arse... Or was it her face... It is so hard to tell. And when Ant & Dec announced she was the winner, she done the chicken dance across the stage and continuously thrust her hips at Piers. Not a pretty sight.

I really do not like Piers Morgan, and as you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a fan of Susan Boyle. I believe she is my replacement for Jade Goody. She has made it big just because she has a big mouth and because she was on a reality show, which she is more than likely going to win - unfortunately. I look forward to a future where my blogs will be less about dead reality TV stars, and more about reality stars which take form as a potato.

But Declan Donnelly promised us another semi tomorrow night. The dirty boy.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Surely If Britain Had Talent, We Would Have Found It By Now

In my opinion, I hate to love Britain's Got Talent because it annoys me with some of the people that get through with a lack of talent, but I love to laugh at the stupidity of these people who think they have talent and Ant and Dec mocking them and trying not to laugh.

My definition of talent is being able to do something remarkable which not a lot of people can do. An example is acting, however any moron can act on the West End as long as they've been on reality telly, which means the people that do go to university who can act incredibly well, are shunned for the more known names. Singing is another example, but then anyone can record a CD and sell it, as long as they have access to some form of recording equipment and can 'mix some tunes', meaning people who can play multiple instruments and sing rather well, are in the shadow of these 'bad boys from Peckham'.

Talent on series 3 of Britain's Got Talent has included people skipping, whistling, farting with their hands, playing a tune through their nose, a so-called 'living saxophone', knitting and many more things that wouldn't even be worthy of a travelling freak show, or maybe that is what Britain's Got Talent has become... If they are considered talents, then I should go and join the travelling freak show too, because I can wiggle both my nose and ears - AT THE SAME TIME! It's a good party trick to show to a bunch of drunken people, that's all I'm saying.

As if an hour a week, for 6 weeks a year isn't enough, you can watch Britain's Got More Talent straight after on ITV 2 for another hour of 'talent' hosted by magician and pantomime star - Stephen Mulhern. For the Piers Morgan fans, should any exist, he does a lot more talking and general twatishness where he thinks he is hilarious and 'bloody brilliant'. A Good quote from Charlie Brooker this week’s referred to him as 'ShitSlug O' Ballbags', it bears no importance to this blog, but I just liked to mention it. Anyway, you could say that the ITV 2 counterpart acts more as a behind-the-scenes special, in where I sit and weep for the humanity, whether it is through Swine Flu or lack of culture in their brains.

The media have been constantly focused on the Susan Boyle from Bonny Scotland the last few weeks, and it has been mainly focused on her looks and the fact she hasn't been kissed. She got her hair done, and the media are there to take pictures of her new make-over. The media have even gone down every avenue to try and prove that she has been kissed, so it was their day when someone came along with footage of her being snogged by Michael Barrymore - one of my childhood heroes. Susan Boyle is considered the ugliest surprise since Paul Potts.

Speaking of Paul Potts, where is he now? He done the royal variety two years ago, got his teeth done and released a number one selling album and hasn't been seen since. Maybe he's gone back to working at Carphone Warehouse. And as for George Samson, where is he now? He done the royal variety show a year ago, released a dance DVD and is now probably working in McDonalds after school. It seems for a short lived career, Britain's Got Talent is the show for you, and if you make Amanda Holden tingle, you're going to win apparently.

Personally, I think that Britain's Got Talent is the metaphorical equivalent to Marmite; you either love it, or hate or in my case, hate to love it. It's disastrously awful, and yet it's the most popular show on Telly at the moment, and I try not to miss a single episode. I'm one of these people who gets sucked into liking any of Simon Cowell shows, X-Factor is another example, although I wasn't really addicted to the last series, like I have to previous ones.

Everyone has their own opinion, but that's my opinion of the polished turd...
So, Toodles M'dearys
xXXx

P.S. Here is a video of eScala, an electric string quartet who were on last it last year, who got into the final, who I thought should have won. Nether-the-less, they have an album coming out in May/June and here is a song I quite like...