The Stuart Awards 2014

We're now a week into 2015, and for many, 2014 is just a distant memory. However, despite having nothing better to do, I've only just found the time to sit down and decide who to give the following awards to.

2014 was quite a year, wasn't it? A lot of news happened. Hacking got big this year, and it helped us to see lots of private naked pictures of celebrities, and gave an apparently terrible film, a lot of press. The world became panicked by Ebola, and threatened by ISIS/ISIL/IS. Our phones started appearing on our wrists, as well as the decision by Windows to skip 9, and start developing version 10 of their operating software. This year, we also learned that Tesco cannot count, just like they couldn't tell the difference between a horse and a cow in 2013.

So, let's see what I felt in my infinite wisdom was deserving of praise, in my 7th awards ceremony.

Music

Most Annoying Song of the Year: It's a song which is supposed to empower women everywhere, by singing loudly about the size of their bum, as well as sexual prowess and consent. It is essentially the female version of Blurred Lines. The song Bang Bang - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj goes one step further by repeating the words 'Bang bang…' over, and over, again, just to make sure it's the last thing you hear before you go to sleep, like a horrendous lullaby.

Over-Played Song of the Year: Of course, I could just Let It Go, Let It Go, but I can't. It's everywhere. If 2014 is going to be remembered by one thing, it's going be Let It Go - Idina Menzel, and Olaf.

Guilty Pleasure of the Year: It may have taken four albums, but I have finally become able to enjoy One Direction. Their single this year, Steal My Girl, is a very catchy and mature-sounding song (despite them not understanding that women are not objects to be owned), and is one of my favourite songs of the year. Sorry.

Song of the Year: This was actually a difficult one to award, but I've decided on Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran. It's a very beautiful song that was destined to be a hit.

Album of the Year: So Maroon 5 released an album this year that was very good, so that would normally be my go-to winner. But this year, I couldn't. I've opted instead for Christina Perri - Head or Heart as it is a great album, where every song is very good, and as a complete package, it's a winner.

Union of the Year - Last year McBusted announced that two bands would become one, but it was in 2014 when they toured and wrote an album, and both were a lot of fun, taking me back to when I was 11 years old.

TV/Film

Drama of the Year: It's easy to forget (and I nearly did), but we were only a few hours into 2014 when the latest series of Sherlock made its way onto our television screens. Great intrigue, and plot twists that were carried out beautifully. I WANT MORE!

Series of the Year. I'm yet to watch the first series, but this year's Peaky Blinders was absolutely brilliant. As I have said in a previous blog post, it had great acting and a story that others would be jealous of. No doubt, it's a winner. I just need to get hold of the first series now. I would normally give this award to Doctor Who, and Capaldi triumphed as one of the strongest Doctor Who's yet, but it's good to mix things up.

Sitcom of the Year: I don't think we had a particularly rich year for TV Comedy during 2014. Others will disagree. But I didn't find the 'funniest' sitcoms of year, funny. However, it has been saved over the past few weeks. I only discovered the first series of The Wrong Mans over the past month or so, and I thought it a great example. It was a perfect mix between drama and comedy. Over Christmas, they had two hour-long specials which rounded off the whole affair nicely, with an even more gripping story full of jeopardy.

Film of the Year: I never think of myself as much of a film buff, but every year when I look back at the films I have seen, I surprise myself, and again, I had a few contenders. However, I decided Dawn of the Planet of the Apes to be my winner. It's horrifying, because you can't help but think 'WHAT IF?' Anyway, it has a great story, has an interesting viewpoint on society, and you can never fully decide whether to root for the humans or the apes…

Children's Film of the Year: I say 'Children's' loosely, because I believe it's a fine example of a good, funny, and entertaining film. But alas, The Lego Movie was very good, and it was something I could relate to completely, and enjoyed massively because of its use of parody as well.

Celebrity

Death of the Year: Nothing can beat the huge outpouring of genuine sorrow at the news of hearing Robin Williams had tragically killed himself. I don't think I have, or ever will, witness such a reaction to the death of a celebrity. It's clear to see how much he was, and still is, loved by audiences across the globe.

Bum of the Year: There have been many reported sightings of the large object, and Kim Kardashian's Rear is probably more famous than herself. Whether you've seen it photoshopped or as nature intended, she's still quite an arse.

'Who Cares' of the Year: Justin Bieber. Just, who cares anymore?

Journalism/Politics

Scare of the Year: New outlets across the Western world have done a fine job in spreading panic amongst people who are incredibly unlikely to contract the virus, Ebola. It took a long time for them to seemingly realise it's existence in Africa, but as soon as an American got it, widespread panic ensued; despite it being mostly concentrated to just three countries.

News Coverage of the Year: The story about the missing Malaysian flight, MH370, is a story which has had the whole world gripped. Despite the fact that everyone quickly became a expert regarding aviation, there was a lot of news coverage which spoke in depth, and helped us to gain an understanding.

Surprise of the Year: UKIP. I didn't expect the year they had, and I don't suppose they did either. They're quiet incredible, but not necessarily for good reasons.

Meal of the Year: Last year saw George Osbourne eating a burger. This year, we had Ed Milliband eating a bacon sandwich.

Bandwagon of the Year: Everyone now hates the Immigrants even more. Let's blame everything on them and tell exactly where Europe can stick them.

General

Thing I Don't Understand of the Year: Phones. Companies are simultaneously making phones bigger, and smaller. At the same time as being able to buy a phone which you can wear like a watch, you can buy phones that are so big they don't fit in your pocket, and you fear answering it too quickly in case you knock yourself out.

Charity Disguised as Selflessness of the Year: The Ice Bucket Challenge was very popular online, and I am pleased that no-one volunteered me to do it. It was one of those things, just like the #NoMakeUpSelfie, that people did just to make themselves look good in front of all their friends on Facebook.

Obsession of the Year: The film Frozen has picked up its second award from this blog. I just cannot Let It Go, Let It Gooo. I like the film, but I just not sure it is deserving of all the hype it has garnered.

And there you have it, the 2014 awards have come to an end. 2015 is already looking to be a busy year, what with both a Royal baby from Wills and Kate, and a 'Cumberbaby' from Benedict, expected. Free Speech is also looking to be a hot topic, and it will be a politically-interesting year, as we see who will be Prime Minister from May onwards.

Maybe we will meet again this time next year, and do this whole pointless charade again. However, until then, I hope your 2015 has been, and continues to be, a great year. And if not, just Let It Go...

Building on a Good Thing

Lego has re-imagined itself over the years, maintaining its position as one of most popular toys of choice for children, over many generations. Kids have always used the brightly coloured bricks to build the things from their imaginations. But now, Lego has moved with the times and created a large assortment of video games which today's youth love to play. Creating a film was the next logical step in continuing to dominate the toy market.

The Lego Movie, which hit British cinemas on February 14th 2014, has proved to be a successful counterpart to the Dutch, world-famous brand. Many reviewers have already compared it to the likes of Toy Story. To repeat such observations would be uninspired on my behalf.  However, it is hard not to.

The Stuart Awards 2011

The biggest and least exciting annual awards ceremony is here. Welcome, to The Stuart Awards 2011. For the fourth year running now, I give out awards for the best and worse things to happen in the world for that year. The recipient of each award has been through lots of consultation, in which I had the one and only say in who gets the award. As you may be aware, the award is only imaginary, and generally the recipient of each award is completely ignorant to the fact that they have won it. So, let us commence with the first category:

Music

Most Annoying Song Of The Year: Most will probably disagree with this first winner, as most claim it to be a beautiful piece of music in which any person can 'emotionally connect' with. Horse Manure! Adele - Someone Like You, has won this award. In part, because it has been massively overplayed and overrated, but it is mostly because it is just drivel. The only way I would be likely to enjoy this piece of music, is if it were sung by a choir of dogs being castrated while having cats dangled in front of them.

Disappointing Song Of The Year: Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger is surprisingly awarded this. Now, let me just clarify: I love Maroon 5, and they are my favourite band. I really liked this song to start. However, now it has been over played, I feel has failed to stand the test time within just 6 months. To me, they have a lot of making up to do…

Song Of The Year: Again, rather surprisingly, Coldplay - Paradise win this award. It has just been caught on my mind since I first heard it. I'm not the greatest Coldplay fan, but it just seems a brilliant piece of music to me. I love the build-up to the song, and I love the burst of 'Para… Para… Paradise'. How great it is.

Song Of A Few Years Ago Which I Began To Like This Year: He is gay and was a competitor on American Idol: Adam Lambert - Fever. This was a song I found in a long twisted way which I will not divulge into, but all I say is find him singing it live on YouTube (so long as you're not homophobic). It's very good. Also, I would actually recommend his album too.

Album Of The Year: He's an Englishman living in France, and he had produced one of the happiest and cheerful albums I have possibly ever heard, with every song being catchier than the common cold: Julian Perretta - Stitch Me Up. Technically, it was released last year, but I can't help if I found it this year. It is a brilliant album which I actually do recommend to everyone. It has what I call a 'messy beat', but that adds to its charm, and I just love it.

Most Disappointing Album Of The Year: This honour goes to an album which I didn't buy or download, and I didn't even manage to force myself to listen to all the songs on YouTube. Arctic Monkeys - Suck It And See was liked by a lot of people, but to me it 'Sucked'. They are a band which have slipped into irrelevance and are sinking into a sea of rubbish 'cool' bands. I shall just stick to listening to Favourite Worst Nightmare. They will never top that one again…

Film & TV

Most Irritating And Largely Unnoticed Revival Of The Year: Big Brother on Channel 5. Last year, it won Best TV Moment Of The Year for the fact it had actually ended. This year, I have with no regret, taken the award away from them. It came back to life on another channel, and was on for almost the entire year. However, it seems that no-one really took any notice as I heard very little about it after the few weeks.

Worst Film Remake Of The Year: Wuthering Heights. Simple. I wrote a blog bemoaning how they forgot huge chunks and how it was filmed by art students trying to make some inadvertent point through soft focus and moths. It was just terrible, and the audience at the cinema seemed to agree.

Second Worst Film Remake Of The Year: The runner up to the previous award was almost as bad, and I felt deserving of the award too. The Witches Of Oz was made in the US and released over here on DVD. My girlfriend, being a fan of musicals, brought it, and we watched it; all 167 minutes of it. Basically, Dorothy, through some hurricane-time-travel crap, is living in modern day New York with no memory of the event, but with the help of rubbish acting and dated CGI technology, the worlds collide. Then through some terrible writing and awful acting, you'll regret ever watching it.

Drama Of The Year: Black Mirror. Sceptics might say this is because I am a Charlie Brooker obsessive, but it isn't. That may be why I originally watched it, but all three stories were heart-wrenching, at the same as being disturbing in this alternate, technology revolved universe. Amazing pieces of writing.

Film Of The Year: You may notice a pattern over the few years of these awards, but I am a very large kid. Johnny English: Reborn is very worthy of this tribute. It is just everything I want in a film: It's silly. It's funny. It's serious. It's fast. It's clever. It's a spoof. It has Rowan Atkinson.

US Import Of The Year: The Big Bang Theory, which won a similar award back in 2008. It has the potential to be the next Friends, and I just laugh at every episode with it being clever, original and silly all at the same time. Sure, it has the same formula as all American Sitcoms, but it is just so very funny. It even has a catchphrase: BAZINGA!

Comedy Of The Year: Up until a week or so ago, this award was going to Outnumbered, which would have been its third Stuart Award. However, The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff, which was on BBC 2 in the build-up to Christmas, had so many perfect comedy performances, from the experienced to the young, that it had me constantly laughing for the entire hour. It was rather remarkable.

Comedy Disgrace Of The Year: Mrs Brown's Boys. If you tell me it's funny, I will personally bang you over the head with a tin serving plate until blood pours from your eyes and see if you are still pissing yourself at how funny it is, with it being done over and over and over and over and over again.

Series Of The Year: I cannot leave Doctor Who out of my awards, so I have made one especially for it to win. The whole series was gripping with its storyline, and it was jammed pack with mystery and intrigue, as well as the usual Doctor Who tomfoolery. As much as I have a chip on my shoulder about Steven Moffat, I have to admit he is great at writing a brilliant story.

Celebrity

Celebrity Death Of The Year: This goes to Amy Winehouse, purely just because I found it how remarkably unapologetic the whole of Twitter was when it was revealed that she did not die as a result of drink nor drugs, after the weeks of shameless judging they threw on her coffin instead of roses.

Original Band Publicity Of The Year: I am quite intrigued by how McFly have achieved this over the past few months, with two of them winning two separate Celebrity shows: I'm A Celebrity… and Strictly Come Dancing. They didn't need to do those shows, but they did, and they won. It's made them rather popular I believe.

'How The Hell Are The Famous' Of The Year: It is hard to choose just one winner for this award, so every single person who has appeared on a 'Fake Documentary' on E4, ITV 2 and MTV win this award. I fail to see how anyone can be a fan of someone who has appeared on The Only Way Is Essex.

Journalism

Scandal Of The Year: Yeah, need I even tell you? Yes, it's the News of the World Phone Hacking scandal. It could be widened to almost all newspapers now, but nothing seems to have quite topped the fact that within a week of the news being released, News of the World were publishing their last ever newspaper.

Phone Hacking Revelation Of The Year: Millie Dowler. The dreadful business of NotW listening to distraught messages of her friends and family trying to get into contact with her is just rather upsetting. But hey, take solace in the fact that they weren't the ones to actually delete the messages…

Revenge Of The Year: This goes to Hugh Grant, in which he 'hacked' a Journalist, Paul McMullan, who revealed all the journalism misdoings, in revenge for the same journalist 'hacking' a conversation they had. Read it, it is quite interesting.

Article Of The Year: Well, it has to go to The Daily Mail's Liz Jones for writing a disturbing article in which she talks about how she stole sperm from her husband in a desperate bid to have a baby: 'The craving for a baby that drives women to the ultimate deception: Liz Jones makes her most shocking confession yet'. Read it, it's just disturbing...

Politics

Political Death Of The Year: Well, I have no idea who to award this too. It could go to one of three 'political enemies': Osama Bin Laden, Gaddafi or Kim Jong-il. All have their reasons for being deserving of this award. In fact, they can share. Their dead anyway… And if I hear one more joke about Team America existing, I will kill that person who utters it.

Useless Currency Of The Year: The Euro. This year, it became more unpopular than Jedward, and just like Jedward, if you see the Euro currency arrive on your doorstep, you'll want to douse it in petrol and flick a lighted match at it.

Uprising Of The Year: The Arab Springs. It went pretty well; as such. The problem is that people got killed amongst it. Terrible business.

General

Over Reaction Of The Year: The uproar following Jeremy Clarkson appearing on The One Show was just disastrous, and utterly pointless with it just being an excuse for the public sector unions to complain that no-one cares about their pensions. Well, you know what: You're right. We pretty much don't.

Royal Wedding Of The Year: The one people cared about. You see there were two royal weddings this year, and basically, people only cared about the Kate/William wedding. Bless that posh lady who married a rugby player…

Pointless Use Of 24 Hours News Of The Year: The London Riots. Almost every news channel became too paranoid to set foot outside, so made general assumptions for over 100 hours about the whole event from their studios, based purely on people calling in and what was being said on Twitter.

Twitterer Of The Year: This goes to, for another year, a comedian and not someone who actually adds anything much positive to the World of Twitter. This year, the comedian being flattered is in a relationship with Sarah Millican. It's Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) and he spews outs lots of awful, one line jokes.

Girlfriend Of The Year: Mine! N’awwww, ain’t I adorable…

And there you have it; the end of the blogging award ceremony in which 30 awards were handed out in my mind, and then written down so you can also join me in imagining the event in your minds. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Maybe by next year, for The Stuart Awards 2012, I would have struck a deal with Ricky Gervais to present the ceremony… Come on Gervais, I will offer you no money: None at all!

Wuthering Heights: Filmed in a Shed

So, do you know the story of Wuthering Heights? Good. Now, imagine what that classic novel would like if it were actually filmed in a shed. Now, imagine it being acted by chavs who swear and have a common, English accent. Right, now imagine that some art students were filming and directing it, with lots of soft focus and irritatingly pointless shots and angles which are apparently symbolic. Imagined it? Looks awful doesn't it. It looks like the sort of film that Film4 and the British Film Industry might fund, doesn't it. Well, now you don't have to imagine that, you can go to your local cinema and pay to see it. Yes, PAY to see it.

There are lots of things wrong with this movie, but the one that has been most vocalised in the media is the fact that Heathcliff is black. Yes, Heathcliff is black. Maybe this is part of the modern view, which says that we are now 'colour-blind'. We no longer recognise skin colour. Maybe. And anyway, the skin colour of Heathcliff is never known. In defence of the movie, it does say in the first chapter of the novel that Heathcliff is 'a dark-skinned gypsy in aspect, in dress and manners a gentleman…' But, in defence of sensibility, people can be dark skinned Caucasians, AND why would women wearing petticoats, from the 19th century, lust after an Afro-Caribbean?

Inclusion of racist language in the movie, mainly from Hindley saying "He's not my brother, he's a nigger" just made me put my hands up to my face and want to cry. Emily Brontë. The story, just like all other adaptations of Wuthering Heights, was badly conveyed. Some parts were changed, other parts were added, some parts completely forgotten and even, most surprisingly, the odd part of the story was told similarly to the novel. As it is with every adaption of the novel, the character of Lockwood is written out and the role of Nelly is nothing but a supporting character, rather than taking the role of narrator that she has for a majority of the novel. The Linton's are not blonde. Wuthering Heights is nothing but an old, rotting shack in the middle of Yorkshire. The moors of the novel have been replaced with large hills which surround the landscape. No children, other than Hareton appear to have been born. We see Hareton get conceived in a wet field; an image we are saved from in the novel. The characters are all inappropriate aged. In fact, I could continue to ramble on.

The love affair between Heathcliff and Catherine has also been adapted. The rocky nature of the relationship is rather accurate, with her hating him at first, and then them being inseparable and protective. Then the appearance of Edgar comes between them. Heathcliff goes and comes back and finds Catherine married. The problem is that their relationship is depicted as being even weirder than before. The main example being that Catherine licks the bloodied wounds from Heathcliff's back. I have no idea why. The relationship between them does seem to resemble owner/faithful dog, rather than confused children who experience love. The whole time, you just spend laughing at the ridiculousness of this adaption, or wondering what the hell Arnold is trying to convey.

The directing is terrible. The camera work is dreadful. Someone is riding a horse, but instead of doing a panning shot that follows the horse, or a long-shot which allows you to follow the horse across the screen, they opted for a close up of the horses mane, or a close up of the person's hair. It is as if the camera operators discovered they could do Macro Photography, so just took advantage of it. Every few minutes, there was a close up of a moth in a window, or the intrinsic detail of a feather: all pointless to the telling of the story. I have always been told that 'less is more' and not to put stuff in 'just to fill time'. If you want to see how to fill time in an A-class style, watch this film. Five minutes of this film is watching birds fly.

I have a theory too, that the creators of this film are hell-bent of making people blind in the process of watching this film, which is a lovely way to treat people who have already paid £6 a ticket to watch this atrocity. Picture the scene: You're watching Heathcliff sitting in a dark, barely-lit room at night. You're struggling to see, so the pupils in your eyes are fully dilated to allow as much light in as possible. Then BOOM. It feels like someone has fired a shotgun into your eyes. The scene has cut to one with bright and intense white light, which illuminates the entire room. Too much light is entering your eyes and you feel as if you have turned stiff; you feel dead.

Talking of dead, there is an abundance of dead animals. You see Heathcliff slaughter a sheep with the blood pouring out; for which I had to cover my girlfriend’s eyes to protect her loveliness. Then, later on in the movie, we see Heathcliff standing over a trapped rabbit, who he then kills by breaking the neck; for which my girlfriend covered my eyes to protect me from shouting out “You bastard!” I don’t know why they kept showing these scenes, but I made sure to sit through to the end to make sure that no animals were hurt in the process. They hadn’t been thankfully.

I remember a few years ago, ITV made a two-part adaption of the novel. It wasn't great. I, my friends, my classmates and teacher all complained about how inaccurate it was. ‘Dreadful’ we said. We were all in awe at how they had ruined the classic we had spent a year studying. However, in comparison, the ITV adaption should have been heralded as a great piece of television. This is compared to the film however, which makes somewhat of a mockery out of the novel. The best thing about the ITV adaption was that it didn't cost me to see it, and the acting was far better. Arnold essentially raped the Emily Brontë novel.

This opinion doesn't come down to the fact that Heathcliff was black; that was one of the least problematic parts of the film. It is part of a wider problem which is the film, in which no character seemed to be vaguely accurate, and the story backetballed into a bin. The problem with all the adaptations so far, is that they remove the rather unique narrative to the story and forget Lockwood and Nelly. I think the most successful adaption will include them. I accept that an adaptation, unless it was going to be a ten-part TV series, will not include the entire story, but it should keep the style which every reader loves about Wuthering Heights. When someone makes that, I think that will be the day when a proper adaptation will have been made, and they will rake in the praise.

This film received no praise. I remember sitting through the last two Harry Potter films at the cinema, in which at the end of the film, the audience whooped and cheered in praise of a brilliantly made film. At the end of watching Wuthering Heights, all I heard was people saying how awful it was and how they did not enjoy it at all.

Mind you, I should have known how terrible the film was going to be when I saw the trailer on the Internet. The most pointless minute of film, in which absolutely nothing is shown. It should have been a clue that this film was being filmed by college art students…

James Bond With Added Funny Gas

It was a few weeks ago now, but I have seen Johnny English Reborn. This is the second Johnny English, with the first coming out in 2003 when I was just eleven years old. Since then, it has been my second favourite movie franchise, with the first being Toy Story. I know, in just three sentences I have made myself sound rather childish. That's showing and not telling y'know!

I love Rowan Atkinson. I love him for almost every role I have seen him play in sitcoms and films, as well as for his 80's satirical humour in 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' and his stand-up material (performing sketches on stage essentially). He is, in my opinion, the greatest comedian. Therefore, I was always going to be biased to thinking that Johnny English Reborn is the greatest movie I have seen in some time.

The cinema I went to was a fancy new cinema complex with more screens than Comet, all showing different movies. It was a Vue cinema, this one situated in Stratford (because that’s what the Olympics needs). I haven't actually been to a Vue cinema before, but the chairs where more reminiscent of sofas than they were flimsy fold-down chairs; and that was in the standard, working class section. The screen was so large that you have to turn your head to be able to look from one side of the screen to another, and the air conditioning was so powerful that you could keep an Igloo in there for as long as you liked. The experience itself was the most pleasant one I have had in a cinema; apart from the large queue for snacks, the price of the snacks and the fact that there were other people in the cinema.

Anyway, first of all, don't go to see the movie to expect a movie similar to the first one. It is on a much larger scale, with a more believable and serious storyline which has tragedy, as well as moments of ecstatic, Atkinson-esque, pleasure. Think of it as more of a James Bond movie, with funny gas being pumped into the cinema. It is on that sort of large scale. It has a story line which could easily be adapted for a serious spy movie.

We join English in Tibet, learning Martial Arts after becoming a disgraced spy some years prior after a failed mission in Mozambique. MI7 need him back for a mission to foil a plot to kill the Chinese Premier. Along with his new sidekick, Tucker, he goes to Hong Kong to find people affiliated with a project named 'Vortex'. Humour ensues countless times, which involve a yacht chase, a game of golf and helicopter flying. MI7 then try to assassinate him, before a hilarious conclusion which involves Atkinson wearing lipstick, dancing to Word Up by Korn ("Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care"), some groin kicks, some wrestling with self, and having a fight scene in a cable car; all of which demonstrations the brilliance of his physical comedy. The movie then ends after English has attacked the Queen.

A very short synopsis there, but a lot more comedy ensues. I haven't laughed that much at a film for as long as I can remember; and I had watched the first Johnny English movie the evening prior to seeing Reborn. It certainly held up to my expectations and then superseded them.

The film also includes a greater cast, included Gillian Anderson (of X-Files fame), who was great for the role of Head of MI7, and Dominic West (of The Wire fame), who was great at playing the 'unexpected' villain of the film. Atkinson's acting was great too, and it is sometimes hard to believe that this is the man from Mr Bean and Blackadder. Also, remembering he is now 56, it is great to see him still able to perform such brilliant physical comedy, with his trademark high kicks and performing many stunts himself, such as driving a jet-powered Wheelchair through the streets of London.

I would recommend the film to anyone with the smallest of funny bones. I reckon it could make almost everyone at least snigger on numerous occasions. The film isn't a silly, half-term film which is meant for just children, but it is instead a film which the whole family could enjoy; I'm sure of it. Its adult story line makes sure of that. The comedy too will appeal to anyone. It is an all-round movie. I urge you to see it; even if you wait for it to come out on DVD. Films transfer onto DVD so quickly these days. It's not as if you'll have to wait long.

I don't know how else to put across how much I enjoyed this film. I do not understand why critics have been so harsh to this film. I think it's brilliant. Much better than any of your pouncey Twilight rubbish that you watch. I mean The Inbetweeners movie? If you 'claim to like comedy' that much, then you should see this. It's adult and childish at the same time, without any needless, apparently funny, swearing.

If you do go and see it at the cinema, do make sure you sit through the credits and wait patiently. You will not regret it. Out of a packed cinema, only 7 people remained at the end to watch one of the funniest Rowan Atkinson skits I have seen. It involves him, preparing a casserole, in sync to a piece of classical music (Edvard Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King - a piece of music everyone will recognise when they hear it). It is brilliant, and I'm saying that as a devoted fan of his visual antics, and think of it as a perfect example of what Atkinson can achieve, with just simple, everyday items. I was in awe of that final performance, as well as giggling like I would have when I was eleven years old.

The Stuart Awards 2010

We are 'enjoying' our last day of the year 2010, and it is time for the annual and greatly unanticipated Stuart Awards. These are awards which are made out of 100% imagination and 'awarded' to those people, objects and events which were either the most annoying or greatest of their category, during the year of 2010. Here are the final results:

Music

Most Annoying Song Of The Year: This award could go to so many songs. Many songs were close contenders for this song. However, after very little deliberation, I'm decided that Willow Smith - Whip My Hair is the most annoying song. It also is the most repetitive and the worst video of the year. Yes, we understand daughter of Will Smith, you like to whip that hair of yours, backwards and forwards, over and over again. Geez.

Song Of The Year: This is a song that you probably will not have heard of, so I suggest you have a listen. Barenaked Ladies - Four Seconds. It is very catchy with its somewhat random and sporadic beat. It ends too soon with the song only lasting just over two minutes.

My New Favourite Old Song Of The Year: Well, this is a song I heard while wandering around B&Q and became stuck in my head for the following months. Prince - Raspberry Beret is the song in question. A song about a woman wearing a reddish hat is essentially the synopsis of the song. I also rather like the imagery of a woman wearing a raspberry beret and not 'wearing much more'. Yes, anyway...

My Album Of The Year: This will not come as much of a surprise to people who have been regularly reading my blogs or know me reasonably well, but this award goes to Maroon 5 - Hands All Over. It is brilliant. It was closely followed by Barenaked Ladies - All In Good Time, but the fact I only like the first four songs, kind of ruins the point of an album of songs.

Most Disappointing Album Of The Year: This is the fastest selling album of the decade I believe; which I am completely miffed about. Take That - Progress gets this award. If this was their debut album, they would never make another album again; let alone tour. It is a short album, with songs which are dreadful. Underground Machine - What the heck? Letting that egotistical mongrel back into the group was the worst thing Take That have ever done.

Film & TV

Best Sequel Of The Year: This is such an obvious winner really. In fact, so obvious that I was considering not even typing the answer, but you wouldn't get that with the Oscars, would you? Anyway, so the award goes to Toy Story 3. This film also wins numerous other awards;

Best 3D Movie Of The Year: This goes to Toy Story 3, partly because the adverts prior to the movie were really good in 3D, and partly because it is the only ever film I've seen 3D, not only this year, but in my life.

Movie Of The Year: Well, it's Toy Story 3.

Worse Sequel Of The Year: This goes to a television program. An American television program. Most surprising is that this program won My TV Obsession of last Year. It goes to Scrubs Series 9: Med School. I love Scrubs; well the first 8 series. The final one should not have been allowed to be made. It was essentially a very bad tribute act. It still had its occasional humorous moments with Dr. Cox's presence, but nothing comparable to the previous series.

The Film Which Went on Too Long: This went to Harry Potter last year, but not this year due to it being rather enjoyable. Instead, the award goes to Eclipse, from The Twilight Saga. It just failed to capture me and continued to drag on.

Drama Of The Year: Obviously goes to Sherlock on BBC 1. It was disappointingly only three episodes this year, but those three episodes were absolutely fantastic, and a lot of people agree. Anyway, read my blog is you want to know everything I thought about it.

Regeneration Of The Year: This only had one contender, and that was Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor. He had big, cliché shoes to fill in following David Tennant, but I think everyone is amazed at how brilliant he has turned out.

Sitcom Of The Year: Well, this is really hard. There have been no new Sitcoms which have actually captured my attention. Hardly any continuing Sitcoms have lived up to expectation. Only one Sitcom has, and they won the same award in 2008. It is the only consistent Sitcom which offers laughs. Outnumbered.

Most Annoying Program: This is a shocker. I like Ant & Dec, but 'Ant & Dec Push The Button' may have helped them in the direction of their ending career. Such a disappointing show, and the fact that other people liked it, seemed to annoy me the most.

Best TV Moment of the Year: This is also a big shocker. You never thought that this show would win an award. It just has. Big Brother! The best television moment of the year was specifically the final 5 minutes. Davina cried, hugged a few people, credits rolled, and Big Brother has left British Television!

Celebrity

Celebrity Death Of The Year: This goes to an animal who resided in Germany, who came to fame during the World Cup. Yes, Paul the Octopus wins the award due to him being popular for being able to predict football results correctly. He dies just a few months after, and he wins this award because I have never seen such pointless coverage of a death since Jade Goody last year.

Most Annoying Celebrity Couple: This award doesn't go to a couple who are engaged in a relationship, but a pair who share the media attention and have annoyed us this year. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakey. First they snubbed the BBC for ITV, then their show got record low viewership, and the continued coverage of this charade made them more annoying; especially whenever Adrian spoke.

Most Annoying Celebrity: Lois Spence wins this award, as well as the Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year award. He cannot walk, he has to prance everywhere. He is on every channel and invading nearly every program. He has rather an irritating voice and he has to be the centre of attention; even when he done something for charity. This is a 'man' who should be shoved in a dark cellar and forced to create a dance for an N-Dubz song until he eventually becomes malnourished and dies, alone. He has grated my brain until I can convey nothing but irritation for him and whatever he does.

Christine Bleakey in her Dalek costume...

Politics

Best & Worst Newcomer: Nick Clegg. He spent the first few months of the year being one of the most popular people in politics. Everyone liked him. He was the underdog with a chance of doing quite well in elections. Gordon Brown wanted to be just like him. Then, it all went wrong. He is now one of the most hated faces of politics at the latter end of the year.

Coalition of the Year: I am forced to give this award to PC World and Currys. No-one expected them to win a politics award, but they were owned by the same company, who later decided to have them as one entity. They weren't even a contender for this award, but to give it to our ConDem Government would indirectly praise it.

Budget Cut Of The Year: Well, there were a lot of contenders in this category, what with their being over £80Billion cut this year. It could go to the Police, who were already struggling to cope. However, I think just the resulting protests, it goes to Education; or more specifically, University funding. What does it matter if they don't get as much money? I mean, they're only educating the future generations which will run the country in years to come.

General Awards

My Favourite Twitterer Of The Year: This award goes to Tony Cowards; @TonyCowards. He has been described as 'The Tim Vine of Twitter' and a 'Pun-osaurus', he is brilliantly funny and excessively Tweets, so you are always inundated with some of the best worst jokes.

Cloud Of The Year: For the disruption it done, this award goes to The Icelandic Volcanic Ash Cloud which infiltrated British and European airspace for about a week or so. It left thousands of people stranded in foreign countries, with the only way to get home being to carpool to France then catch a train and get to England. Sounds cheap and simple, but I don't expect it was either.

Most Disruptive Water-Based Element Of The Year: This goes to Snow; that white stuff that falls from the sky mainly during the winter when it is particularly cold outside. This brought the country to a standstill, every single time.

It Doesn't Do What It Says On The Box Of The Year: Sensodyne Whitening Toothpaste wins this much wanted award. Its purpose is to clean teeth, relieve sensitive teeth and continue to whiten them. It does none. My teeth just got dirtier, my teeth got yellower and I still had the same level of pain. Is there actually any point in them filling the tube with toothpaste? They may as well sell it empty.

Pointless Use Of 24 Hours News: This is being awarded to two different occasions. The first being the Raoul Moat coverage. It was a week of portraying a crazed man with a gun as the biggest threat to society since the Taliban. This angered him more. The final day with a seven hour standoff against police was covered. That's seven hours of speculations and interviewing people who knew nothing and phoning scared people near the event to relay details. The second award goes to The Chilean Miners. That was two months of being mentioned every day on the news, until the climax of them being freed, when all 33 miners were shown being released back into the wild. It was like Big Brother in that the news went to great lengths to find out lots of information about them, so we had sympathy. Both were just completely unnecessary.

There you have it. The Stuart Awards for 2010. Some you will agree with, others you will think I am on some kind of drug which has impaired my brain power. Well, I'm taking a lot of Paracetamol at the moment, so you might be correct. Anyway, I hope you agree mostly, and have enjoyed these non-televised awards. I will see you back here next year for The Stuart Awards 2011.

A Virgin Choosing Between A Vampire Or A Werewolf

The latest instalment of the 'Twilight' saga was released recently, which is called 'Eclipse'. It always comes hand-in-hand with depressed teenagers being a little bit excited and sales of Muse songs increasing. Now obviously, I went to the cinema and of course I did not watch it at home on a pirate copy which I borrow off a friend. I wouldn't steal a car, so of course I would not watch a pirate movie. I had a few problems with the people in front keep standing up and 'eclipsing' my view of the film, and for some reason my eyes had regular trouble trying to focus on the screen; kept going blurry. Despite these annoying things happening at the 'cinema', I managed to watch the film.

Corr, Look at those depressed faces! Just cheer up will you!

People who have seen this one or previous movies will be aware that they are not the type of films that make you walk out the cinema with a big smile. These are the sort of movies that make you want to wear black clothes and never want to smile again. This one was no exception. Eclipse certainly is better in that I would consider it more 'fun' than previous ones. I use the word 'fun' very, very, very lightly though. In comparison to Toy Story 3, it really is not, but in comparison to New Moon, it was.

The movie is more 'fun' because there is just much more action and the story line isn't so much about Bella's self indulgence during her period of even worse depression. This has rather dramatic fight scenes, and the story isn't as one dimensional as the others. It just felt more thought-out and clever in my opinion. It had background information about different characters, which I feel helped a lot. Like the previous two films, it still follows the same formula for the development of the movie. A big, long build up of about an hour, then the eventual climax of the story before a nice, happy resolution before the next film starts; and repeat.

There is a fight scene between the Vampires, Werewolves and 'New Borns'. For people who don't care much for all this depressive, vampire stuff; 'New Borns' are what they call people who have just been turned to Vampires. The stage known as New Borns is when they are at their strongest and blah, blah, blah.

There is happiness though! The Vampires and Werewolves join forces and work as one to fight against these New Borns. How very happy and adorable! They put their differences aside and forget their previous feuds. However, even the fact they worked as one to defeat these New Borns doesn’t cheer them up.

Instead of the lead female character, Bella, spending the whole movie looking depressed in her bedroom, she actually went out. All these movies have her doing a regular monologue throughout, of how she feels and thinks. They are SO depressing. Just her tone of voice brings your mood right down, before you even listen to whatever it is she is moaning about. I spend half the movies just wanting to tell her to just 'Cheer the f*** up!' This one was even worse. The monologues seemed more regular and even less happy. I don't think there is any acting at all; I swear all the actors just spend the whole time sulking.

Then there is the kissing. As if I haven't been depressed enough by the movie for the fact everyone goes about with long, pale faces with monotone voices which are full of depression, I have to see people kissing every 10 minutes. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. For people who get a lot of affection, they are bloody miserable. I'd be running about in a giggly joy if I got kissed even half as much they do. Bella kisses Edward, then kisses Jacob, then kisses Edward again. I'm waiting for Edward and Jacob to kiss; now that would liven the story up a bit.

...And even more kissing.

The music is just as bad though. If I were to go to HMV, buy the Eclipse soundtrack and listen to it in the car home, which is only a 20 minute journey, I am sure I would have attempted to kill myself numerous times. The music is even more depressing than those stupid monologues. Bearing what I just said in mind though, the soundtrack is better than in the last movie; so imagine what impact the New Moon soundtrack would have on someone... You can tell how sad all these teenagers are in the movie though, just by this one line: 'I love this song; come and dance!' In the background, Muse was playing. Now, I also love Muse, but I don't think anyone can ever consider it as dancing music. Maybe if by dancing you mean a group of people standing together, swaying their shoulders from side to side, but otherwise, no. Why don't these kids put real party music on, like Robbie Williams - Rock DJ. Now, that I would love to see in the next Twilight movie.

As an overall conclusion of the movie, I did kind of enjoy it. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have let this phenomenon just pass me by, but since I got forced to watch the movie, I have got into them somewhat. However, for someone who isn't overly bothered, it was kind of boring, which is why I am glad I went to the cinema to watch it because if I had stayed at home, I would have started playing games on my phone halfway through the movie while making occasional notes about the film in my notepad...

The Stuart Awards 2009

We're fast approaching the end of 2009, and like last year, I am going to give some imaginary awards to those who truly deserve them. It marks the good things of the year, but also rewards the most annoying things of the year. So we shall start like last year with:

Music
The Happiest Song of the Year goes to Paolo Nutini with Pencil Full of Lead. It also wins the awards for 'Stupidest Music Video of the Year' and 'Song Least Likely to Be Found on A Karaoke Machine'. This song cheers me up every time I listen to it.
Most Annoying Song of the Year could go to so many contenders. It could be any N-Dubz song, it could be JLs with 'Put Your Hands Up', possibly it's Sugababes and 'Get Sexy'. For me, it's The Black Eyed Peas for their awful song entitled 'Boom Boom Pow'. Need I explain why?
My New Favourite Old Song award goes to Adam and the Ants with 'Ant Music'. It’s such a classic song, which until this year I actually didn't own. Now I do, and it's a very good song.
My Most Played Song of the Year goes to Sparks with 'I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For The Crap In This Song' because it's got such an addictive beat. Also, it wins the award for having 'The Best Song Title'.
My Most Played Album is 'Either Side of Midnight’ by Jack McManus - it is quite good.
Song of the Year 2009 though goes to Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. It also wins my award for Song of the Decade as well.

Film
Annoying Film of the Year goes to 17 Again purely because it has Zac Efron in it and because it's a stupid American film which tries to be funny, but isn't. It just beat New Moon.
Film of the Year goes to New Moon however. It may have been one of the most annoying because of all the hype, but the film itself makes up for it, which surprised me because I actually enjoyed it.
The Film That Looks The Most Disappointing award goes to Avatar. The film which promises a fantastic 3D experience for its audience and hailed as the film from the legendary director of The Titanic; looks to me to be a big pile of blue crap. The characters all look like Smurfs on drugs to me and I just think it looks rubbish and will not be watching it.
The Film Which Went on Too Long award goes to this year's Harry Potter film. It may have been a very good film which mixed humour with love and with sadness but my bum hurt for the next few days, which means it wins this prestigious award.

TV
Inaccurate Drama of the Year goes to ITV's interpretation of Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights. A book which I read earlier in the year for my English A-level (and now re-reading), and this means I know the story quite well, so watching ITV's attempt was like watching your neighbour’s dog get cut into tiny pieces; you don't really care, but it's a sad thing to watch. The reason for this was because ITV wanted to make the show appeal to their average audience - Which are idiots...
Sitcom of the Year goes to Miranda. It may have running gags which after a while just get bloody repetitive, but it is the first new Sitcom for a while which is actually funny. Reggie Perrin was a runner up to this award, but like Miranda, it just got repetitive.
My TV Obsession of the Year goes to Scrubs. I only started watching this show at the beginning of the year and in that time I have watched every episode between Series One and Eight at least twice. That is a proper obsession. It's a shame that life can't be more like Scrubs though - I'd be much happier if it was.
Most Annoying Program of the Year has to go to Piers Morgan's interview with Katie Price - surely three tits on one program are far too many!
Best TV Moment of the Year goes to Britain's Got Talent, with the little girl who forgot the words to the song and cried on live TV, before Ant & Dec told her she couldn't sing again and then cried even more. Why is it the Best TV Moment of the Year I hear you ask... Because it was different.

Celebrities
This shouldn't take you long to figure out who has one this award - The Best Celebrity Death of the Year. Many celebrities have died this year, but I think we can almost all agree that the death of Jade Goody is the most worthy. Her annoyance has ceased. A month after her death, she was forgotten - and that's fine with me. She also wins the award for 'Ridiculous Amount of Media Coverage'.
Most Annoying Celebrity Couple goes to Katie Price and Peter Andre. There isn't a lot I can say about this that I haven't already said, but I will say this - Who gives a crap?
Most Annoying Celebrity goes to Katie Price as well. How dare my precious time be wasted by having to listen to her being constantly on the news and reading her everywhere. I don't care about anything she has to say. I think she should be shot through the head every time she says that she is annoyed at the amount of media coverage she gets.
Annoying 'Celebrity' Newcomer of the Year goes to Susan Boyle. Apparently she is classed as a celebrity and deserves this award because: I have no respect for her, the mere mention of her name sends shivers down my spine, she has far too much media coverage and the fact that she looks like the love-child of the Elephant man and a potato.

Twitter
My Favourite Tweet of the Year is "I've got the Mrs putting together an oxygen tent and I've kicked a neighbour's head off for sneezing. #flupocalypse" belonging to Mr603 from April; when Britain was in the full Swine Flu Paranoia.
My Most Popular Tweet of the Year seems to be "You know what's more depressing than being alone and single? Being alone and single while watching 'Love Actually'..." why I don't know, but it's my most ReTweeted Tweet, so it gets the award reluctantly - but the public have decided.
My Favourite Twitterer of the Year goes to greggles1969 whose Tweets almost always have me laughing because of his unique views upon life, TV and the news.

General Awards
The Craziest Claim by a Politician of the Year goes to Lib Dem politician for Feather Dusters. This was a hard award to decide though, so two runner-up awards are also being given out: One goes to Hazel Blears for her Three KitKat Crunchies and the other goes to John Reid and his Glittery Toilet Seat.
Must-Have Flu of the Year goes to Swine. The craze which started in Mexico 9 months ago has spread world-wide with millions of people at some point having the Flu. The Flu promises to carry on infecting the rest of the world and killing many more next year. Fingers crossed!
The Year’s Top Swinger goes to Tiger Woods and not for his golfing abilities. This is a man who doesn't play golf to relieve his sexual frustrations. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
Unluckiest Person of the Year goes to Gordon Brown. It seems whatever he does he gets abuse for and that's what makes him unlucky. He even writes letters to dead soldiers’ families and he gets heavily criticised for it. Bless him.

That concludes The Stuart Awards for 2009. What wonders will be included in next year’s awards? We shall have to wait and see...

New Moon: The Stuart Review

It took a few attempts, but finally we got to see New Moon; or as a lot of people call it 'The New Twilight Movie'. You see, emo teenage girls very rarely get excited, and when something which appeals to them is on at the cinema, they all go together, thus making it impossible for anyone else to see it. Overall, the film is good though. Do I need to say anything else? Well I suppose I need to make the blog a bit longer...

The last film I done a review of (which was over a year ago) was when I got dragged to see High School Musical 3, and I'm pleased to report it's not as crap as that and is in no-way a cheesy film. High School Musical is such a cheesy film and the more I watch it, the more the hatred grows. It's a film that's cheesier than Wallace & Gromit's crackers, or if you didn't like that metaphor, it's cheesier than a fat-man's pairs of socks after walking from the sofa to kitchen and back to get a packet of biscuits. You can choose which metaphor suits it best.

Like High School Musical, New Moon appeals to the teenage girls in particular. It's one of them films where every man in the audience could just walk out and none of the women would notice because they're too busy ogling Edward's eyebrows or Jacob's tortoise-like shoulders. It's moments like that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend, as it seems like a bit of an awkward experience being forced to watch a movie with them, so they can drool over it while you twiddle your thumbs.

Everyone seems to find the actors 'fit', but I don't agree. As a result of explaining, I may end up getting lynched by teenage girls grasping razors, so if you love Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, I suggest you skip this paragraph. Robert Pattinson, in this film, has two rather big eyebrows which make Susan Boyle's eyebrows look an average size. His pale complexion just makes him look ill and the six pack he has drawn on, is like someone started drawing a pretty pattern on him but got bored half way through. Overall, I can't see his appeal. As for Taylor Lautner, with his hair cut and top off, he does look significantly like a naked tortoise. His six pack isn't drawn on, but his shoulders freak me out - they're too diagonal for my liking. This is also a reason why I wouldn't make a very successful girl.
One bit which kept me amused for a few minutes was the part towards the beginning with Bella and Edward in the woods when he tells her he has to leave. The script goes something like this:
Bella- I want to come.
Edward- I don't want you to come.
If I find out I was the only person to laugh at that bit, I will have to go and teach every person who went to watch it the art of comedy timing and explain 'euphemisms'. I think that was the best bit of the movie.

They've even began advertising in films now as well. They showed a Virgin America plane flying in the sky - something not exactly necessary for the plot. The fact one minute they're in America, the next in Italy is enough really. I wonder how much Richard Branson paid for that? I am told the Virgin Plane is symbiotic of Bella, but I'm not going into that.

I had a thought while watching New Moon during the scene with Bella getting a paper cut. With just one drop of blood, the vampire's have a thirst for blood. So can someone answer me this question... What happens when it's Bella's 'time of the month'? Surely, once a month for a few days, Bella has to stay away from the Cullens. What stops the Vampires from smelling that blood? Someone please tell me.

I would quite like to go to the cinema one time and swap New Moon for an old Vampire movie and see how they all react to it. A majority of Vampires in New Moon are very nice and lovely, as are the Werewolves who help everyone and just protect people. In old Vampire and Werewolf movies, they're the complete opposite, and I'd like to see how Twilight fanatics cope with it. I bet it wouldn't take them long to recognise it's the wrong movie.

The soundtrack for New Moon is well, depressing. It has some of my favourite bands such as OK Go, Muse, The Killers, Editors and Radiohead's Thom Yorke, but they've not exactly picked happy songs. However, they do go very well with how they are positioned in the film and add to the atmosphere. I just wouldn't rush out and buy the soundtrack to listen to on its own - the CD may as well come with a free razor.
Despite all that though, I very much enjoyed the film, and I think it's better than Twilight. Next film to come out to add to the saga is Eclipse, so I'll look forward to that being even better. After that it'll be Breaking Dawn, and then maybe Midnight Sun. I think if there is a sixth instalment, it will be called 'Morning Breath'. I should just point out, the only reason I know so much about all this and the reason I went to see the film in the first place, is because of my friends who have constantly talked about it, dragged me to the cinema and forced me to watch DVD's. I suppose I should grateful they've not glued each book to my hands and forced me to read them...

One more thing - if anyone asks, I support Team Edward (and no, it’s not a euphemism for being gay).