Seven Years and Not Counting

It’s with sadness that I announce that this blog post, the one which you have just started reading, is the final addition to The Blog of Stuart.

D'you want to know a secret?

A few weeks into this website’s life, I was already regretting the name and URL I had gifted it. But I was already too invested in it to give up. Plus, it formed part of my BTEC in IT, so I had to keep it going. It’s safe to say, I’m the only one in my class who even kept it up this long. Most barely made it past their first short upload.

I’ve looked after it for 7 years now, and, as a result, has formed a massive part of my life. I would honestly not be where I am now without it. I’m not even sure I would have noted how much I like to write without it.

Courtesy of Chris Parsons
(Click to enlarge)

I’ve documented a large portion of my life on here. Everything from the years I spent as a desperate single to a learner driver, university student and an unemployed graduate. I’ve covered it all, and you’ve shared it all with me; whether you liked it or not.

I’ve received all different types of feedback too. It’s included my head teacher discussing it at a presentation evening in front of my cohort. And everything else from lovely and sincere comments to people who have taken the time to email so I know how much they hate me. It’s all pretty incredible really.

And although my blog hasn’t gone viral, I still think it’s been quite successful. Much more so than it probably ever deserved. I've been averaging about 1,000 hits a month, for years. A lot of which are from irrelevant Google searches from a huge array of countries across the world, which amount to zero engagement… But still.

So I should have probably worked on the marketing of it slightly better, and actually offered them something other than throwing my extraneous opinion at them. There’s enough of them on the Internet after all.

I worked out what my voice should be in my second year of University. What I should have to make me different to all the other bleating on the Internet. That sparked the creation of the blog, and dissertation project, The Misanthrope’s Guide to London. Even though it had little success on the Internet, I got brilliant feedback from people who took the time to read it. People were enjoying it.

So it is that vein where my next project will go.

I’m not a fan of change, so that’s why it has taken me this long to bring The Blog of Stuart to a close.

I’ve been saying for a few years that I wanted to shake off the shackles of Blogspot and begin my own website and start afresh.

However, over the past few months, I’ve begun formulating what my next move will be. I’ve just been too scared to buy the webspace. This has meant I’ve been stuck in a circle I’m finally attempting to break. I didn’t want to produce more content for a website I would soon be closing but didn’t want to move from its comforting embrace.

That’s why I have written this. It’s my resignation letter, so to speak. I’ve informed you of my intention, and now I can’t go back for fear of embarrassment.

I now own a plot web space, and I've begun constructing the site. This is how it's coming along...

My new website is called The Misanthrope. It should feel like a news website, in terms of its look and content. However, don’t expect it be serious. The Misanthrope voice will prevail.

I will be venturing into multi-media blogging as well. I have some video editing software, and I have a number of ideas, so we shall see. I may not even make it past the first video for fear of hating myself just a little bit more.

Although I am excited to be starting my new project soon, I am very sad that I am finally saying goodbye. This blog has been a good friend to me and helped me out a lot.

I gave this website as an example of writing when I applied to Universities. I got multiple offers, so it can’t have put them off that much. It’s interesting to read blogs I’ve written before and after University to see my progression.

Anyway, I then used this blog as an example of writing when applying for jobs. Numerous times I’ve sat and watched a prospective boss reading my website on the other side of a desk and seen a wry smirk appear, and it's flattering. It was particularly interesting when one, from London, read my Misanthrope’s Guide to London blog. And okay, it did take me a while to get a job…

But I had two jobs for a period of time. One was working in a shop, where I had to interact with people. I didn't really like it because you’re not allowed to argue back with them, you have to be nice and smile. I can feel my throat tightening every time. Regardless, I very recently left this job thanks to getting more hours at my other, better, job...

The other job involves writing. And I’m allowed to be funny, so long as I also engage the reader in such a way, they want to stay on the website, and hopefully spend their money.

I’m getting paid to write blogs; how awesome is that? And I can’t see how else that would have happened without this blog.

But as I start a new chapter in my life, which involves the increase of my bank balance, it seems right to move to pastures new. After all, I can call myself a professional writer now, so I need to put this aside and start producing content one might expect from a professional…

Yeah, the thought of that is pretty funny.

But I can try, right?

So that’s it. These are my final words.

I don’t want to draw this out any longer.

Courtesy of Chris Parsons
(Click to enlarge)

Consider this blog closed. Out of service. Bereft of life. An ex-blog. Gone off to meet the big server in the sky and pushing up the virtual daisies.

Toodles m’deary’s.

The Comedy Recession

Carol Burnett said back in the 1950's that 'Comedy is tragedy plus time'. That is perhaps one of the best-known quotes about the construction of comedy, and it is an accurate observation. A quick look at some of the most popular sitcoms of all time suggests this is the case. No wonder Victor Meldrew is a misanthrope; he's had his house burnt down, been buried in the garden, had his foot encased in concrete, all before eventually being killed after being hit by a car.

However, British sitcoms are currently in crisis. The closest we get to tragedy in the modern era is cringe-worthy embarrassment. A sequence of events where the main characters find themselves in a series of ridiculous and surreal situations, causing the viewer to bury their head in their hands. For example, The Inbetweeners has four characters who all get themselves into equally awkward situations, whether it's throwing up over a child, or a clumsy attempt at losing their virginity. If we saw this in our real lives, I'm doubtful we'd be stood there' loling'.

I grew up when Richard Curtis and Ben Elton were the rulers of TV comedy. I watched Mr Bean, Blackadder and The Vicar of Dibley. Smart, witty and believable characters, who have depth. However, even Ben Elton struggles to write funny in the modern climate, with the funniest thing about his last sitcom The Wright Way being the reaction on Twitter.

Graham Lineham is perhaps the current ruler of the comedy crown jewels, with his many hits such as Black Books, Father Ted and The IT Crowd. He creates numerous strong characters, who allow him to have several storylines through one episode, making it engaging.

However, my ultimate proof of us living in a dark age of comedy is Mrs Brown's Boys, Derek and anything on BBC3. I am perhaps in the minority of disliking the former, but a show which can be shown in North Korea with the title "Everything That is Wrong with Europe and The Rest of The World", is surely not something to be proud of?

And the Ricky Gervais 'comedy' creation Derek, actually fails to be funny. It's sincere and well made, with many poignant moments. Gervais tried so hard to not be offensive, that he forgot to write any actual jokes.  BBC3 is just a channel for writers to echo the same, tired stereotypes of young people talkin' lyk dis, wearing hoodies, and being high or drunk.

Humour is, of course, subjective. However, when we look back over the past five years in 20 years time, what are we going to remember as the best comedy of the time? There are no comedies to be proud of. I fail to see anything currently on TV, that will one day feature on a Channel 5 list of the 50 best sitcoms at Christmas 2035. Apart from maybe Mrs Brown's Boys. Is that really what we want for our legacy? Comedy at the moment is an unfunny tragedy. 

Apologising to Companies

I think most of us will agree that social media is a great addition to our lives. Thousands of people moan about television programs in unison, discuss a common love, or try to make their mundane life sound a lot more exciting. For companies, it's a brilliant tool, as it allows them to connect with their customers individually, and making themselves seem a lot more human than they otherwise did.

However, for companies, it is also something which allows their customers to rant at them directly, about a personal gripe they have. I've done this many-a-time. I've moaned to BT about their customer service, and how long they made me wait to be connected up to their service. I've got employees of a local The Range store in trouble, for closing early without reason. Over Christmas, I told UberSocial that I had grown weary of their in-app advertising, and was therefore uninstalling them. Yesterday, I told my bank that their website was spam-ridden.

What was I to think? I had spent the morning perusing social media without issue. Then, as soon as I went onto their website, I was swamped by spam advertisement, which meant whatever I clicked on, I was taken to unwanted websites. I refreshed, and the website had been blocked. So, I took to social media, and told them my thoughts.

Went on Lloyds Bank website, and got swamped by spam websites. I don't really feel safe using their online banking now. @AskLloydsBank?
— Stuart Collyer (@MrStuy) February 12, 2015

While I waited for a reply, I did some investigation. Google started coming up with unusual results. I then tried Halifax and Nationwide websites, and they too seemed to be infected. Then I went onto this blog. This too was 'infected'. So, the same hackers who had targeted the big banking websites, were also infiltrating my little blog, in the corner of the internet. That seemed slightly implausible, and the likelihood was that the issue was actually me end. Then Lloyds Bank Tweeted me back, trying to resolve my issue. I had to grovel.

.@AskLloydsBank I do apologise; This seems to be a problem my end. Every banking website I go on, I get spam pop-ups. Sorry for confusion.
— Stuart Collyer (@MrStuy) February 12, 2015

Never before have I apologised to a company, and it never actually occurred to me that I ever would. It's a strange result of this immediate and social world we live in. Thanks to social media, we can call a company up on its mistakes. But we can be wrong too, and thus, incidents like this happen. Thankfully, they were good about the charade, and I went quiet.

@MrStuy No problem! I hope you're able to get this resolved. ^TC

— Lloyds Bank (@AskLloydsBank) February 12, 2015

It turned out that malware had sneaked its way onto my computer, and had proceeded to spread itself about. It's called Positive Finds, and when I downloaded something a few days earlier, it was obviously sellotaped onto it. However, it wasn't just as simple as uninstalling the program, and it was corrupting the system restore. A quick Google, on an uninfected device, told me that it was stubborn, and I needed to install something to remove it. So, I took to my laptop again, typed in the link, and pressed download.

The clever malware had over-ridden my choice, and proceeded to download something else. Thankfully, I noticed in time. So, after some considerable effort trying find a work-around, I finally did it. Internet Explorer was safe. Google Chrome though, was still infected, and the malware was hidden somewhere amongst the program files. An uninstall and reinstall later, and now I'm finally free.

After a little bit of research, it's an interesting piece of malware. Its purpose isn't to steal your money, or to destroy your personal files. It is purely to make itself money. Every time one of the advertisements is clicked, it is paid money by the recipient of the extra visitor. For example, BET123 are paying them money, to get their website more views. But, of course, they are also paid money to send people to a link, which automatically downloads a virus. I was attacked by four Trojans.

Social media is a beautiful baby of the Internet. The Internet has resulted in a lot of good since its' own conception. However, the Internet is getting a more dangerous place to reside, as we are all aware. Only a few weeks ago, I was on a council website, and when I downloaded a seemingly safe file, I again had a Trojan hurtling towards me. It's worrying, and incredibly scary. Both my parents and girlfriend have been victims of ransom viruses, which try to blackmail you into giving money. This only going to get worse.

So, what are my final thoughts? Be careful what you download, and think everything through before you start to mouth-off at worldwide, corporate company.

Don’t have nightmares.

Mark Watson - Flaws

In 2011 I went and saw Mark Watson live. You can read the review here if you want. I loved it. He was a break from the normal stand-up. Most will have a lesser-known stand up perform half an hour of material, before an interval and then the main event. The comedian then slips off, comes back on stage, and then disappears after receiving a few more laughs. Mark Watson does none of that, and it's brilliant. One could be mistaken for thinking he has no clue what is going on; but I think it's more a demonstration that he knows better than most comedians, what is happening.

On Sunday, I went and saw him again at The Gulbenkian, Canterbury, and it was very much a similar format to when I saw him on his 'Request Routes' tour. Not much has changed, apart from having slightly more facial hair, being spectacleless, and less Welsh.

'Flaws' has no definable beginning. Last time he began by speaking to the audience via typing on a laptop screen. This time he came on stage and began jogging on a treadmill, of which a microphone stand placed conveniently in front. This, as he put it, was his warm up. He chatted to the audience, and made general observations about the audience for nearly 10 minutes. He then walked off stage before immediately reappearing and commencing the show.

He is incredibly endearing, and it's hard to not fall in love with him, just a little bit. His body language is always relaxed, and does everything he can to break down the barrier between him and his audience, such as holding the microphone low. Another technique, and perhaps a more sinister one, is looking up members of the audience on Twitter. The amount he knew one member of the audience, such as televisual habits and pets, is a scary reminder of the times we live.

As always, his comedy comes from his real life. To reuse a sentence from my last review of Watson, 'He is very much the raconteur'. However, unlike last time, this was much more personal. In this tour, unsurprisingly, he talks about the flaws which have obviously, over the past year or so, made themselves apparent to him. He shows that there is a faint line between comedy and tragedy, as his main topics for discussion cover his reliance on drink ("If only there was a word like workaholic that describes drinking too much alcohol"), and hating, and losing confidence in, his own work. It then made me look at his 2011 tour in a different, darker, and unexpected light, as the veil was lifted.

But don't be thinking that this is a serious and dark show, because it is quite the opposite. He is refreshingly honest, but perhaps only showing the funny side of his problems. It is isn't until afterwards that you actually realise how frank he was. At the time, it is incredibly funny. Particularly when he opens up about his breaking point, which was at a Thomas the Tank Engine film premier with his toddler.

In a unique twist, he recreates the moment for the audience, for a quick moment of audience participation, props and music. You sit there in awe of what nightmare he has created in just a few moments, and it had the audience in fits of laughter. However, like always with a Canterbury audience, it's hard work for a comedian to get the audience to participate.

The show consists of a lot more than just chronicling his despair from the past year or so, as many of those themes are broken up by tangents about songs, his 'personal' relationship with Madonna, and irritation at Keep Calm merchandise. It is put together beautifully. And unlike a lot comedy shows, it has final message, which is quite enlightening and optimistic; "Being human is bloody hard" but, to paraphrase, we can find comfort in remembering that we're better than cats and worms. And then after checking the time with an audience member like he seems to always do, he did his usual self-promotional admin before leaving the stage.

I certainly hope I get the opportunity to see him next time he tours (not that he has even finished this tour yet), as I find real joy in seeing him live. He has become like a friend, and I probably know more about him than I do most of my friends. The one qualm with this show was that, despite still consisting of over 90 minutes of material, it didn't feel long enough. And if that's the only negative point I can think of, then it isn't bad going.

The last stand up show I went to see was at The O2, and coming back to this few-hundred seater, I appreciate it's intimacy a lot more. Comedy just isn't the same in those places and you can never beat a small, local theatre. And if you can see a brilliant comedian like Mark Watson at one, then you can't wish for anything better.

The Stuart Awards 2014

We're now a week into 2015, and for many, 2014 is just a distant memory. However, despite having nothing better to do, I've only just found the time to sit down and decide who to give the following awards to.

2014 was quite a year, wasn't it? A lot of news happened. Hacking got big this year, and it helped us to see lots of private naked pictures of celebrities, and gave an apparently terrible film, a lot of press. The world became panicked by Ebola, and threatened by ISIS/ISIL/IS. Our phones started appearing on our wrists, as well as the decision by Windows to skip 9, and start developing version 10 of their operating software. This year, we also learned that Tesco cannot count, just like they couldn't tell the difference between a horse and a cow in 2013.

So, let's see what I felt in my infinite wisdom was deserving of praise, in my 7th awards ceremony.

Music

Most Annoying Song of the Year: It's a song which is supposed to empower women everywhere, by singing loudly about the size of their bum, as well as sexual prowess and consent. It is essentially the female version of Blurred Lines. The song Bang Bang - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj goes one step further by repeating the words 'Bang bang…' over, and over, again, just to make sure it's the last thing you hear before you go to sleep, like a horrendous lullaby.

Over-Played Song of the Year: Of course, I could just Let It Go, Let It Go, but I can't. It's everywhere. If 2014 is going to be remembered by one thing, it's going be Let It Go - Idina Menzel, and Olaf.

Guilty Pleasure of the Year: It may have taken four albums, but I have finally become able to enjoy One Direction. Their single this year, Steal My Girl, is a very catchy and mature-sounding song (despite them not understanding that women are not objects to be owned), and is one of my favourite songs of the year. Sorry.

Song of the Year: This was actually a difficult one to award, but I've decided on Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran. It's a very beautiful song that was destined to be a hit.

Album of the Year: So Maroon 5 released an album this year that was very good, so that would normally be my go-to winner. But this year, I couldn't. I've opted instead for Christina Perri - Head or Heart as it is a great album, where every song is very good, and as a complete package, it's a winner.

Union of the Year - Last year McBusted announced that two bands would become one, but it was in 2014 when they toured and wrote an album, and both were a lot of fun, taking me back to when I was 11 years old.

TV/Film

Drama of the Year: It's easy to forget (and I nearly did), but we were only a few hours into 2014 when the latest series of Sherlock made its way onto our television screens. Great intrigue, and plot twists that were carried out beautifully. I WANT MORE!

Series of the Year. I'm yet to watch the first series, but this year's Peaky Blinders was absolutely brilliant. As I have said in a previous blog post, it had great acting and a story that others would be jealous of. No doubt, it's a winner. I just need to get hold of the first series now. I would normally give this award to Doctor Who, and Capaldi triumphed as one of the strongest Doctor Who's yet, but it's good to mix things up.

Sitcom of the Year: I don't think we had a particularly rich year for TV Comedy during 2014. Others will disagree. But I didn't find the 'funniest' sitcoms of year, funny. However, it has been saved over the past few weeks. I only discovered the first series of The Wrong Mans over the past month or so, and I thought it a great example. It was a perfect mix between drama and comedy. Over Christmas, they had two hour-long specials which rounded off the whole affair nicely, with an even more gripping story full of jeopardy.

Film of the Year: I never think of myself as much of a film buff, but every year when I look back at the films I have seen, I surprise myself, and again, I had a few contenders. However, I decided Dawn of the Planet of the Apes to be my winner. It's horrifying, because you can't help but think 'WHAT IF?' Anyway, it has a great story, has an interesting viewpoint on society, and you can never fully decide whether to root for the humans or the apes…

Children's Film of the Year: I say 'Children's' loosely, because I believe it's a fine example of a good, funny, and entertaining film. But alas, The Lego Movie was very good, and it was something I could relate to completely, and enjoyed massively because of its use of parody as well.

Celebrity

Death of the Year: Nothing can beat the huge outpouring of genuine sorrow at the news of hearing Robin Williams had tragically killed himself. I don't think I have, or ever will, witness such a reaction to the death of a celebrity. It's clear to see how much he was, and still is, loved by audiences across the globe.

Bum of the Year: There have been many reported sightings of the large object, and Kim Kardashian's Rear is probably more famous than herself. Whether you've seen it photoshopped or as nature intended, she's still quite an arse.

'Who Cares' of the Year: Justin Bieber. Just, who cares anymore?

Journalism/Politics

Scare of the Year: New outlets across the Western world have done a fine job in spreading panic amongst people who are incredibly unlikely to contract the virus, Ebola. It took a long time for them to seemingly realise it's existence in Africa, but as soon as an American got it, widespread panic ensued; despite it being mostly concentrated to just three countries.

News Coverage of the Year: The story about the missing Malaysian flight, MH370, is a story which has had the whole world gripped. Despite the fact that everyone quickly became a expert regarding aviation, there was a lot of news coverage which spoke in depth, and helped us to gain an understanding.

Surprise of the Year: UKIP. I didn't expect the year they had, and I don't suppose they did either. They're quiet incredible, but not necessarily for good reasons.

Meal of the Year: Last year saw George Osbourne eating a burger. This year, we had Ed Milliband eating a bacon sandwich.

Bandwagon of the Year: Everyone now hates the Immigrants even more. Let's blame everything on them and tell exactly where Europe can stick them.

General

Thing I Don't Understand of the Year: Phones. Companies are simultaneously making phones bigger, and smaller. At the same time as being able to buy a phone which you can wear like a watch, you can buy phones that are so big they don't fit in your pocket, and you fear answering it too quickly in case you knock yourself out.

Charity Disguised as Selflessness of the Year: The Ice Bucket Challenge was very popular online, and I am pleased that no-one volunteered me to do it. It was one of those things, just like the #NoMakeUpSelfie, that people did just to make themselves look good in front of all their friends on Facebook.

Obsession of the Year: The film Frozen has picked up its second award from this blog. I just cannot Let It Go, Let It Gooo. I like the film, but I just not sure it is deserving of all the hype it has garnered.

And there you have it, the 2014 awards have come to an end. 2015 is already looking to be a busy year, what with both a Royal baby from Wills and Kate, and a 'Cumberbaby' from Benedict, expected. Free Speech is also looking to be a hot topic, and it will be a politically-interesting year, as we see who will be Prime Minister from May onwards.

Maybe we will meet again this time next year, and do this whole pointless charade again. However, until then, I hope your 2015 has been, and continues to be, a great year. And if not, just Let It Go...

An In-depth Moan About Specific Issues with Television Programs

We now live in an age where we have 3D, HD, curved, smart televisions that understand voice and hand commands, and do everything apart from ordering you a takeaway in time to watch your favourite program. Therefore, it could be considered that we're in the golden age of televisual viewing. The quality of picture and sound that the television can emit is exemplary. However, I can't help but feel that the one thing that lets it down, are the actual programs on the television.

It would now be easy for me to then list off the garbage that is actually on the television. Everyone does that; and I've done it many times before. The Real Celebrity Chef Apprentices' Made in Essex Factor, or whatever these faux reality/talent shows are called, come to mind. It would also be easy for me to berate how tediously repetitive, formulaic and idiotic the shows, their content, and their viewers, are. How producers plan 'real' lives to be entertaining viewing. Or how they carefully pick contestants that viewers will hate, that are unfit for purpose, or one's that will bicker to the end of time.

No, that isn't where I was going with this. I mean the actual quality and approach to producing and airing programs.

Let's take Peaky Blinders as my first example. Fantastic series, and please consider this as me riding on the bandwagon of everyone saying so. It is gripping. It is gritty. It has jeopardy. It is has fantastic characters (and a marvellous bunch of actors), who have interesting back stories, and all hold integral roles in how the main story plays out. And it has a brilliant soundtrack of songs that are used to beautifully match the feel of specific scenes, and the series as a whole. Having only seen the second series, I can easily say it is one of the best things that have been on the box over the past five years.

BUT, they mumble so much. Whoever was in charge of recording the voices, did a shocking job. I have the TV volume turned right up, and I still have to really concentrate to understand what they're saying. I would watch with subtitles on if I didn't think it detracted from the series.

This is a problem which I'm finding with a lot of television. I have the TV turned up so I can hear what is being said, and then the adverts start and I have to quickly fumble for the remote so the volume doesn't perforate my eardrums. Why does everyone have to mumble? Can they not just turn the sound up on the actual program? I'm only 22. I feel really sorry for anyone over 80 trying to watch television.

Let's take Coronation Street as my second example, but this is an issue which exists in other programs. Background noise; I bloody hate it. I have a decent set of speakers  plugged into the back of my TV, and they produce good surround sound. So if a character is watching television, whilst having a conversation with someone else, all I can hear is the noise from their TV, and it's highly distracting.

Switch to another house, and they're doing their washing. It has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but they have insisted on putting a washing machine noise in the background. I'm now sat, ears pricked up, wondering what is making that whirring noise in my flat. I know they're trying to authenticate real life, but that is perhaps one step too far.

If you're lucky enough to be watching a drama with no sound issues, then chances are you can't see what is actually happening. Producers don't understand that a dark drama doesn't literally mean making the picture dark. Peaky Blinders is one example, and most drama series set in the Victorian period or during the war suffer the same. There must be a compromise between authenticating life before the 100 watt bulbs and being able to actually see.

However, Sherlock is a good example of being dark. The first series was terrible. As soon as anything happens at night in Sherlock, I might as well be watching an audio book. It has no excuse either. London is a brightly-lit city. I understand all about using the senses to emulate how emotionally dark the scene might be, but I just wish they would tone it down; well, up, surely…?

And not that I have actually watched it myself, but from the clips I have seen of The Missing on BBC 1 seems to have been shot with an Instagram filter. Everything has that blueish-green tint to it. That isn't how life actually is! Well, not until they invent contact lenses that will give the normal drudgery of life that unappealing hue; if they haven't already.

So, let's assume you've found a program which you can hear and see clearly, free from anything which actually detracts from the episode. Brilliant. Expect the chances are, you already know everything that is to happen, and therefore taking away any possible sense of intrigue or peril. The trailers for programs are far too revealing, and continuity announcers say too much. I understand the desire to draw the potential viewer in, and a way of doing that is by briefly showing the best moments from the upcoming show.

The biggest recent offender, is the Doctor Who series finale. During the first episode of the two-parter, there were lots of very clever and subtle hints towards who the enemy was. 'Ah, I recognise that design… Where have I seen that before?' is what I could have been saying if I hadn't been told the week before.  At the end of the episode, there was the big reveal. That would have been a great moment, full of suspense and intrigue, if only I didn't already know it was the Cybermen. I had worked so hard to avoid all the season spoilers that existed on the Internet, content with my own guesses, to have the BBC ruin it for me instead.

Maybe continuity announcers have to reveal as much as they do, purely so the viewer can get a gist of what they're missing through inadequate sound and picture?

The Sexennial Anniversary

I had an interview last week, and I was showing them this blog. The boss was scrolling down the page, and he skimmed over my blog post for my five year anniversary. In it, I state my all-time word count. "213,436 words…" he says. "Wow, that's a lot."

And you know what, it bloody is. It's astonishing. But I wonder if it is time well spent. Every one of those words represents time I could have spent doing something of more value, instead of being sat alone in a room, in my own little world. It's not a very sociable hobby, and not very lucrative. However, I say that in the full knowledge that many of today's youth make a living from playing a fool on YouTube, or giving repetitive fashion advice on a blog. For some reason, there just isn't much money in writing self-indulgent misanthropy, written just for the purpose of procrastinating from other things.

Notice that since I finished University in May, my blog production has decreased. That's because I have had nothing better to be doing. I thrive at writing blogs when I have other stuff to do. I am currently in the middle of retraining my brain to be able to write even when my schedule is empty. Like this morning.

But anyway, I can feel my fingers digressing. My blog was six years old on Saturday. Six years. That's (including this), 214  posts overall; 17 of which were over the past year, and marking a continued decline in my yearly production. However, that now equals  227,670 words taking up invaluable space on the Internet. And if you think it's sad that I've put this much effort into something I get little in return for, then you won't want to know that I find these statistics incredibly interesting.

My most read blogs all tend to be my reviews this year, where I show off about all the musicals I've seen, gigs I've attended, films I've watched, and CD's I've brought. No-one seems particularly interested in my trails of thought, but alas, I shall continue.

However, that is possibly in part because most of my attention over the past year, has been directed at my newest project: A Misanthrope's Guide to London. Surprisingly, that blog seems to be gaining a lot of popularity in the USA, so I would like to apologise for any American's who's opinion of London have decreased. BUT, that could mean less American tourists in London, and that can only be considered a positive.

Almost every one of them I've met, matches the American tourist stereotype. They wear bright yellow jackets, shorts, fishing hats, and invite you to come stay with them, despite the fact you've only spent a few minutes in their company. Have you seen the Harry and Paul sketch of the two American tourists? That is a perfect impression of a very distant relative of mine, and his wife. Granted, they're Canadian, but they live in Las Vegas. I have a draw full of lapel pins from different states, which they showered upon everyone they met.

Anyway, I'm now looking for a new project. I have two ideas; both with misanthropy at their heart. Do I start a sequel, which I alluded to in my last post, called 'A Misanthrope's Guide to Folkestone & Hythe'? Or perhaps a general one for Kent? Or an English one? Or, do I start a mock news website? The Misanthrope Times perhaps? I don't know. And that's where the issue lies. I want to put my focus into a new website. Start completely afresh.

I said this a few years ago, and I'm still here, but I, again, think it's nearing a time to retire from this blog, and to let it share it's memories with anyone who stumbles upon it after putting in an obscure Google search. I shall move on and try to rear a new project into maturity; one which would be bigger, better, and not still include old blog posts with shameful grammar, spelling and with no real purpose.

But it's hard. I love this blog; apart from the web address which I chose when I was sixteen. So, I need help moving on with my life, but I just can't decide where to focus my misanthropy.

What are your thoughts? A Misanthrope's Guide to Somewhere New? Or The Misanthrope Times?

It's your decision; should you care. I value your opinion, even if you don't value mine.

Album Review: Maroon 5 - V (Deluxe Version)

After their last album, Overexposed, I was dreading this one. After hearing that a new album would be released in 2014, I was excited whilst also cowering behind my hands at the risk of being severely disappointed again. I saw the track listing, and the song titles didn't impress. I saw their understated front cover, with the florescent 'V', and had an incline that it would contain electronic sounds I'm not keen on. Then I saw the 'Parental Advisory' logo and I could feel my heavy heart. I was setting myself up for heartbreak, but I still pre-ordered the album… This is my mostly upbeat review, song by song:

Maps: When I heard this song back in June, I tentatively loved it instantly. A great catchy song, with meaningful lyrics which tell a story about being hurt in love, and trying to get the other person back, and those emotions shine through. It's a song that fits in with modern music, but still has the same ingredients of Maroon 5's earlier music. Plus, it was written with Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic, who seems unable to write an unsuccessful song at the moment. An early favourite.

Animals: There is a theme developing early in the album with hints of the dreaded autotune. This is also very repetitive, with the word 'Animals' being sung to death, and stupid sounds such as 'Ny Ny Ny'. Of course, it is still a catchy song, and is a song using sounds much more like they're recent stuff. However, despite being an obvious metaphor, the Animal/Sex metaphor is done quite cleverly.

It Was Always You: I heard this song a few weeks back, and initially I was disappointed. This has an autotuned sound to it which immediately put me off. However, on reflection I think that might just be Adam Levine's voice. So, once I had seen past that, the song harks back to their It Won't Be Soon Before Long album, and after a few listens, the song does imbed itself in your head. Also, as always with Maroon 5 songs, I really like the lyrics.

Unkiss Me: I'm not keen on the music, as it seems like it should be a gangster hip-hop song at the start, but it progressed in an intuitive manner, and despite that, it is a slow and poignant song. The song also sounds well produced, because more often with this music, the voice can get lost. As the song started, I didn't expect to like it, but it is really catchy, of the time, and a very beautiful song; both in terms of lyrics and voice.

Sugar: Electronic vibe, which I think works well with Levine's voice, and a very summery song; it's a shame this album has been released at the start of Autumn. This song makes great use of how high his voice can go (one to rival the Bee Gees). Again, it's a very catchy song and I really love the chorus for its juxtaposition between high, and well, not quite so high, voice. Possibly a favourite for me.

Leaving California: This song would fit in so well on their Songs About Jane album, and is a masterpiece of a song from Maroon 5. Of course it is catchy, and of course the lyrics are perfect, and of course Levine's voice is pouring with emotion. It's got a positive and upbeat tone, and it's one of those songs that I think could lift the spirits of a crap day; which is nice between the songs about failed love. However, the song doesn't necessarily end; it just stops. This is the one negative point I can say about this song; it just sounds like the CD has malfunctioned.

In Your Pocket: Slightly oriental twang at the start, which seems pointless… But the lyrics have a fast pace, and that drives the song and it's gorgeous! The music is minimal. It's catchy, the lyrics are clever in how they tell the story, and it sounds like one side of an argument, about not trusting your partner.

New Love: Return of the autotune, which one has to admit doesn't sound too bad with the electronic vide. This is possibly my least favourite thus far, partly because it has unnecessary swearing, partly because Levine's high pitched voice is a bit annoying and repetitive in this song, and also because it's just a bit too club-like for my liking. Bu having said all that, it's alright.

Coming Back For You: The opening drums sound like those from Phil Collins's In The Air Tonight. Regardless, the song is good with their usual mix of great lyrics and music, which are catchy. I like it, but it's a 'meh' song.

Feelings: This song has such an electronic feel, that I'm convinced the introduction was originally a ringtone for a Nokia phone from 2002. Again, it also has needless and repetitive swearing, but I like the catchiness and the lyrics again. Apart from the distinctive voice though, I wouldn't have linked this song with Maroon 5, and although I fits in with the album, I'm not sure it's necessarily 'them'. Also, I can't help but think though, that this song should be sung by a woman.

My Heart is Open feat. Gwen Stefani: Speaking of which, here is a duet with a female. This is a stripped back song in comparison to the past few, and it is welcome relief. Their voices work really well together, but I do wish there was more of Gwen Stefani; as I can't help but think Levine keeps interrupting her. Duets are the 'thing' at the moment, and this fits in well amongst them. Again, it has lots of emotion, and the lyrics are good, if not slightly lacking what some of the other songs have.

Shoot Love: This has a Mark Ronson sound to it, which I used to really like (whatever happened to him incidentally?). Very catchy song, with interesting sounds which alter the mood and pace of the song. Lyrics are nothing to be amazed by, but the actual music and production are top-notch.

Sex and Candy: Another stripped back song, and is an unexpected treat. The title had me expecting another electronic-heavy song, but instead it's just Adam, a drum, a keyboard and guitar. Very soulful, and it's great to be able to hear his voice in this style of music. You can't help but just slowly move your body to the song. Also, the song ends on a long, drawn-out fade, which rounds off nicely and is a lovely change from the abrupt endings featuring on the rest of the album.

Lost Stars: This is a song from a film I haven't seen (Begin Again) featuring Levine in an acting role (and officially, it's just an Adam Levine song). I downloaded it separately a few weeks earlier because it is a beautiful song, and it got me in the mood for this album (plus I hadn’t realised it was on this album). It is again another song which sits perfectly amongst their earlier songs, and it just makes me smile. It has a great musical and emotional progression, and OF COURSE, the lyrics are fabulous, and I love how Adam Levine sings it. A lovely end to the album and one of my all-time favourties. Incidentally, look up the other song he sung for the film, A Higher Place: That is a Songs About Jane song through and through.

After my first listen, I was excited. Our love affair was back on track. Of course, they have annoying habits, but they're subjective. For example, despite moaning about the repetitive 'Ny Ny Ny' of Animals, I spent the rest of the day singing that over and over in my head. Just like in a loving relationship, the other person will have annoying habits, but I'm not sure I'd change them. Whether it's their insistence on using electronic beats, the fact they swear too much, or the their resolve to never put things back where they belong.

I really love the album, and it has made me very happy. Favourite songs include Maps, Sugar, Leaving California, In Your Pocket, My Heart is Open, Sex and Candy, and Lost Stars. I can class half this album as being favourite songs of mine, and that's really good going. There is a real mix of music between them, and yet they're songs that are all perfect in different ways. They have really outdone themselves this time.

I've perhaps been a bit too negative to other songs, but it all about personal taste. Even though I can swear with the best of the drunken sailors, I hate unnecessary swearing in comedy, literature and music. Unless you're portraying real anger, I just think there can always be a better word. Look up a song called Up Here by Terra Naomi. Now she swears perfectly. It is more than just a swear word. It holds power because you just understand how angry and frustrated she feels. Anyway, I'm off point.

This is a brilliant Maroon 5 album for three reasons: Firstly, it has roots that go all the way through their past albums, and it draws on what their fans really loved about them 10 years ago, such as their emotive lyrics. Secondly, it isn't a complete change of direction from Overexposed, so it keeps the best of those songs, and it keeps their new fans loyal too. Ultimately, this is an album which showcases their evolution. But thirdly, the album has been produced marvellously. I think it has to be one of the best-produced albums I've heard for a long time.

Overall, they've done a perfect job, despite Adam Levine's silly new hairstyle, and the fact there is now 6 of them...

I'm the Cockney Chameleon without a Job

Over three years ago I wrote a blog announcing that I would soon be moving to London, where I would be attending the University of East London to study Journalism and Creative and Professional Writing. I spoke mostly about how worried I was about having to endure the local language, and how I was fearful of catching Cockney, and becaming alll Landan like. I now write this blog post, having completed my degree and moved out of our outrageously-priced South London flat that overlooked the Thames.

I confidently stipulated that I was 'not worried about picking up the accent and the slang however, because I'm very hard to influence.' Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to have been the case. Many people have been noting that I have a slight Landan twang. Luckily, I don't think it's critical, and I should be able to recover; in time at least.

However, I have become somewhat of a chameleon, being able to assume a persona which is similar to those around me. Back home in Kent, I am a bumbling, slightly posh-sounding lad. Should a Cockney gas engineer enter our flat, my language and personality change; partly in a foolish attempt to sound more manly and in a desperate attempt to be accepted. "Alright mate? How's traffic get'in 'ere? Bin busy? You still got your motors?" And so on.

A drawing for A Misanthrope's Guide to London, by Chris Parsons.
(Click to enlarge)

Our flat was very nice; apart from the constant presence of gas engineers having to resuscitate our boiler back into life. Oh, and apart from the numerous water leaks; all those magical evenings spent mopping up water from under the now bowed laminate flooring. Mind you, that's made up for by the evenings I spent watching the woman across the road get naked with her blinds still open; until she noticed. Those memories will remain with me for a long time. However, not as long as the dent left in my savings by paying nearly £1,000 a month for a flat. We could have never afforded that place if it wasn't for our generous student loans.

It's a cliché I've heard an innumerable amount of times, but those three years at University really did fly past. It doesn't seem that long ago since myself, my other half and a box of half-eaten pizza, were abandoned in Landon by my parents and left to endure the next chapter of our lives. Well, that chapter is finished, and it ended with us getting 2:1s, so yes, thank you for your congratulation. However, my grade is still a sore point. I was less than 1% away from a 1st. 0.4% more would have given me a 1st. And you know what? I can pinpoint the exact mistake in my dissertation that lost me that higher grade. If I had just italicised the words A Misanthrope's Guide to London, in the handful of times I wrote them together, I think I would have gotten a 1st. FOR FU...

Anyway, it was a mixed three years. I met lots of, as everyone says, awesome and amazing people who were mostly all far more talented than I. Some modules I loved and excelled at, and others I hated and just about scraped through. There is something about Sociology that makes me look and feel like I've just had a lobotomy. The next time someone talks me about the similarity between Adorno's theory of the Culture Industry and Marxism, I think I'll go into a coma from which I'll never awaken.

The Creative and Professional Writing side of my degree has proved invaluable, and despite feeling trepidation about what it would entail, I absolutely loved almost every minute. It made me read books I never would have, and yet enjoyed. It pushed me to constantly improve my writing, which having read some of my old stuff, is glaringly obvious. It has even made me look at my own writing very differently, and I have produced pieces I could not be prouder of. My dissertation project A Misanthrope's Guide to London, is one such example where I have really honed my style of writing. That is in no little part thanks to the teaching on the course.

At the start, I was most looking forward to the Journalism side of my studies, and I did very well and learnt a great deal. However, towards the end I dreaded Journalism modules. That was, in the most part, because I felt a great deal of resentment towards the fact that no matter how well I did, I would still not be qualified to be a Journalist, and would still find it immensely hard to get into a profession where experienced journalists are being culled, rather than new ones being hired. By the end, I had lost my desire to be a journalist; for now at least. Unfortunately, that in part also falls on the below-par teaching for journalism my University offers.

So, the bit of paper has now finally arrived confirming my attainment of a 2:1, and three months after finishing University, I am the stereotypical graduate who is failing to get any sort of job. Currently, the past few years look to have all been a delaying tactic for going on Job Seeker's Allowance. There are various reasons for this, such the little experience I hold, and trying to get a career in a specific sector. However, a large reason for this is because there has been a major push in apprenticeships by the Government. It means jobs that might have once gone to the likes of people like me, are now going to younger people who can be hired for a criminally low wage for a couple of years, whilst getting on-the-job training. If I was 18 years old now, and looking at what to do, I think I would be looking at being an apprentice too.

However, I keep sending out CVs in all directions (probably approaching a figure of around 40), and only getting responses from a few. Two job interviews in three months. The sad and depressing life of a graduate. Maybe it's because of my accent which has become tapestrised. Or the fact my University is at the bottom of the league tables; despite being a great place. It could be because of the economy, or that fact I am part of, what the media keeps calling 'the lost generation'. Possibly it is due to so many hundreds of thousands of young adults having a degree, it has become a worthless piece of paper. It could be because I have about as much professional experience as a foetus, and being stuck in the paradox of needing experience to get a job, but not being able to get the necessary experience. Who knows?

Regardless, if you're an employer looking for a marketing assistant/junior (or something not too dissimilar) somewhere in Kent, who's ideal candidate is a misanthropic, yet slightly amusing and committed individual, then I'm your guy!

P.S. I know prospective employers are reading this blog, because I put it on my CV, so why not beg? If you don't ask, you don't get… I am highly skilled after all.

P.P.S. I am aware that I'm applying for jobs that are not marketing related, and that plea might be off putting to other jobs; but I'm versatile and not as picky as perhaps I might have sounded. I'll do anything... apart from telesales anyway.