Sinking Britain

These are scary times for those of us who cannot swim, or indeed float. Luckily for me though, I live in a third floor flat on the bank of the Thames. I'm safe in the knowledge that if my feet get wet, we're probably in the midst of water-based apocalypse. I would have to resort to thumbing for a lift from any passing arks.

Two years ago we were in the middle of a roasting spring, with the threat of draught hanging over our parched heads. In a bid to overcome the hosepipe ban, my Grandad constructed a series of aqueducts with drainpipes. Plastic pipes are suspended across the garden, feeding from the roof into his fish pond and water butts. It doesn't seem to have stopped raining since.

Miracle Day Dragged On For Ten Weeks

The American bastardisation of what could have ended up as a British drama classic if left be, has come to the end of its first series as a coalition between two sides of the Atlantic Ocean. My initial reaction, as I stated in my blog "Americanised; Synonyms: Bastardised", which was written three episodes into the series, was not a positive one. I thought the series was slow to start and felt it had been somewhat ruined and therefore, disappointed with the whole thing. I hoped that it would pick up with excitement and the usual Torchwood charm which previous fans loved, but were my hopes fulfilled?

Yes and no. Some episodes were fast paced and exciting, and others, continued to be slow and rather boring. Some episodes were created to purely create a back story, or to create an emotional connection with a new or departing character. Some episodes seemed to be there purely as an afterthought to bridge a gap. However, there were the odd episodes that managed to grip you tightly by the attention strings and not let you go until the credits began to roll. The reason for this inconsistency seems to be because different writers wrote different episodes. Although top-guy Russell T. Davies wrote the series, he actually only wrote the opening and closing episodes for the series.

One of the major problems with the series was the characters. Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman) is undoubtedly the main character of Torchwood, and has been from day one. Without that character in the story, it cannot work. Jack has not had the role in this latest series that he should have had. He has been put second behind new American characters. The writers have assumed that we care about these new American members, so attach personal storylines and tragedies to them. These don't really work purely because we have not had time to get to know them. The character of Gwen has been somewhat underestimated this series too, with her not being used to her full potential, and only a handful of times does she seem to fully be the strong, independent character who we knew in the previous series. She still has those personal stories, which are there to help the audience relate to the consequences of Miracle Day however, but her strong character is under minded as a result.

Another reoccurring character who I'm not sure if we were supposed to despise or sympathise was Oswald Danes; a convicted felon who had been given the death penalty for murdering a young woman, but had survived. First we hated him. He was taking advantage of miracle day. Then he got shafted by the system that was using him, and he regularly got beaten up for no reason. Then he became selfish again and blackmailing people. Then be became a hero, before showing his true colours before finally dying. I have no idea what the writers’ purpose for that character was, and therefore, far too confusing.

We only have one episode out of the ten, which I feel felt like an original Torchwood episode. That was episode 7: "Immortal Sins". It was by far my favourite episode. The episode consisted of flashbacks of Jack's life, and  whilst in the present; he is being taken hostage by Gwen. The episode contains the only contact we have with an alien in the entire series. It is the only episode that seems to actually fully except that Jack is gay, and takes full advantage of that. Those are the four ingredients to a great, original Torchwood episode: Jack, Gwen, Aliens and outlandish gay scenes, and guns if you wish to garnish it off with a fifth ingredient. Davies seems to have completely sold out on those ingredients, which he could once put together brilliantly, just so he can have larger popularity state-side and have more money to play with.

The series itself has been over stretched too, which has completely weakened the series storyline. If we hark back to the previous series of Torchwood: Children of Earth, the storyline was squeezed to just five episodes. This series was stretched to 10 episodes, and as a result, some episodes have no purpose at all. Take the second episode where Jack and Gwen are being deported to the America in the plane flight. That flight lasted the entirety of the episode, with no relevant events actually occurring. All that footage could have been chucked in the bin, and it would have made no difference at all to the series. Those sorts of episodes, as a result, just seem to be irrelevant and an afterthought. Once again, you would have never had that with the older series of Torchwood. Every episode was exciting and gripping with an alien who promised to spark imagination and enjoyment, and maybe even an orgasm or two.

The lack of any aliens is the biggest crime for this series. Torchwood was once full of aliens. It was an extension of Doctor Who and all of their aliens, and sometimes they would overlap too. Now, they both seem like completely different shows which have nothing in common. They were once such close friends, but now, over time they have fallen apart and now keep very distant from each other. They still remember each other occasionally, but otherwise, contact between them is zilch. They have lost each other’s numbers and have no desire to get back into contact. Torchwood has changed into something different since the contact was lost, and that is shown in the lack of any alien action.

So how could they have improved the series? Aliens and more of Jack. Two simple requests, yet for some reason the writers decided to completely overlook them. I was so very disappointed in the ending when the event turned out to not be of a result of an extra-terrestrial being, but instead to be of ordinary, boring, bastard human beings. It was such a cop-out for Torchwood and Russell T. Davies.  It certainly is no longer Torchwood, but instead another spin-off going under the same alias.

Then take the series cliff-hanger. Rex, the black American, is now like Jack: indestructible and can now live forever. That is the biggest mistake of them all. The entire dynamic of the show has been altered. One of the great things about Jack is how individual he is from every other character on the show. Changing that, I think, will be the death of Torchwood. The next series could very well be its last, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. It is painful watching Torchwood going through this painful change. Injecting American blood into something which is distinctively British through and through is causing vital organs to stop operating, and the entire body will slowly die, even if they do inject more of Jack's Miracle, life saving blood into it...

Americanised; Synonyms: Bastardised

What is Torchwood without people having group orgies with Aliens in the public toilets of Cardiff, before disintegrating into dust at the point of orgasm? Well, it isn't Torchwood without that. So, what is this show that is currently airing on BBC 1 on a Thursday evening under the name of Torchwood? Well, from what I can deduce, the only recognisable metaphor that could be used to describe this series is to compare it to 'a wolf in sheep's clothing'. It LOOKS like Torchwood, but it isn't Torchwood. It has the two main characters that we recognise as being Torchwood. It has scenes filmed in Cardiff. It has jokes about Cardiff. It has a supernatural storyline which is very, very intriguing and well portrayed, as well as being written by Russell T. Davies. However, from then on, it fails to be anything like the Torchwood that we British fans loved.

This program then, which is hiding under the alias of Torchwood, is brilliant, which makes it terrible. Doesn't make sense huh? Well, I shall explain my problem. Torchwood was originally this brilliant piece of British Drama, which was uniquely British with its humour, captivating (if not eccentric) stories and great characters. This Torchwood 'season' is a co-production between Britain and America. Torchwood now loses everything that was so unique about it when it was set purely in Cardiff. The British humour is sacrificed for the American audience, which is the main problem. However, the fact it is half American, means that the drama element of the program is great. The American's are creating the best quality programming at the moment by far, in all genres. How can their input in British programming be considered as a bad thing? It can't; but it is in Torchwood.

Still not getting me are you? Well, take this is an extreme example to illustrate my point. You can't all-of-a-sudden relocate Coronation Street to a French town and expect it to appeal to the same audience and remain just as popular. Torchwood worked because it was set in Cardiff. You can't all-of-a-sudden relocate Torchwood to America and expect it to appeal to the same audience and remain just as popular (however, viewing figures disprove me thus far).

I personally think that in this 'season' so far (three episodes in), they have focused far too much on building up characters and their own separate stories. The story has been heavily sacrificed as a result, as has the Torchwood feel. The first two episodes particularly were very slow in events actually happening, apart from the odd five minutes which end up being an anti-climax. I think the entirety of the second episode was completely pointless, and to me it just seems like it was a rushed afterthought. The idea seems weakly developed with pointless events thrown in, such as the drugging of Captain Jack, to provide false climax.

I will give credit where credit is due; the third episode was a lot better with it having a quicker pace, but still, there are just pointless interactions between characters which just do not need to happen and add absolutely nothing to the story. They may as well show a still image of the words 'Torchwood' for five minutes every so often. The third episode also had a slight original Torchwood feel to it, with some of the characters having sex. This makes me sound like a homosexual pervert, but as soon as there was a scene with Captain Jack about to have gay sex, I felt that just MAYBE, it was about to feel like Torchwood again. However, then there were some more pointless exchanges with some pointless American actors and it was ruined.

It's the American element of the show that I absolutely hate. Well, hate is a strong word. The Sci-fi element of the show has diminished, with it just being an obscure storyline, just like the American's 'The Event'; it's nothing but a drama about a fictional event. I want supernatural events and aliens, like the first three series of Torchwood. If this 'Miracle Day' doesn't end up being caused by an intergalactic being, I will be very unhappy. Torchwood and Russell T. Davies have sold out, just so they can have more money, and if they sacrifice the original roots of being a Doctor Who spin-off, for bigger, richer roots, then they would be the biggest sell-outs since Green Day went mainstream or when Nick Clegg had a lobotomy if favour of political power.

Anyway, maybe I'm being over critical too early. We're only three episodes into a 'season' of ten episodes. Incidentally, that's another reason for hating the Americanisation of Torchwood. They call it a season, but we Brits call it a series, so the American's ruined that too. Anyway, it might get more entertaining and it may not bother me so much as the SERIES goes on. Fingers crossed...

P.S. Both 'Americanisation' and 'Bastardisation' are spelt with S's, not Z's. It's called English, so therefore you should abide by the same rules as the English... Bloody Americans!

It's Snowing, It's Flurrying...

...The Old Man Isn't Snoring As He Has Frozen To Death.

It is getting to the point where I think I may have mentioned the word 'snow' in this blog this year, more than I've mentioned the words 'Jade Goody', and that is a worrying fact.

We are nearly at the end of our countries second heavy snow fall this winter. Ten months previously, we were in the middle of our biggest snow fall for many years. The country just stopped for a few days. You would have thought ten months would be enough time to recover and prepare for the worse to happen again. The phrase is to 'learn from our mistakes', but did we succeed in doing that? Did we ‘eck!

The politicians have explained a lot over the past month why our country still fails to cope at the first signs of snow; we don't get snow regularly enough and it doesn't last long. That is a very fair point to make Mr ConDem Man. So what if it has snowed the previous three years. It didn't snow for years prior to that. Everyone believed in Global Warming back then. Now that we have the snow back, we seem to have forgotten about that inconvenient truth Al Gore told us all about years ago.

We Brits are the most hypocritical nation. It doesn't snow during the winter; we moan that it didn't snow. If it does snow, we moan about how we have been inconvenienced by the weather. We have a cold and rainy summer, we moan about it. We have a boiling and sunny summer; we moan it's too hot. We spend all of winter waiting for summer to come and melt away the snow, then we spend all of summer waiting for winter so we can festive snow, and from there on, it continues year in, year out. We complain about our Labour Government and Gordon Brown, but then we can't decide who we really want in power instead. Then we settle for a ConDem Government with David Cameron and Nick Clegg, and we moan about them instead.

Anyway, something which is pointed out by the 'News' and their 'investigative reports' is that other countries cope perfectly well with snow. Switzerland, for example, a country which spends a majority of the year under snow, keeps their airports open. People in Denmark, for example, still manage to drive their cars in snow lasting a few months. We compare 2 to 3 weeks of snow, to them. Switzerland keep their airports open with equipment costing millions of Swiss Franc's, due to the fact that without that expense, no-one would be able to hardly ever leave or enter the country. Denmark makes it a law that everyone switches to Winter Tyres at a certain date every year to be able to cope with their freezing winters. It's cost effective for those countries.

For our country, the implications of ensuring every driver changes their tyres twice a year would cost a huge amount of money which we do not have. Spending millions of pounds on Airport Snow Clearing Equipment would be spending money we do not have. For a few weeks of disruption a year, it is never going to be cost effective, especially with the Budget-cutting Tories in power. Just get over. Buy a sledge and have some fun instead of moping about that it has snowed. Take pictures of the beautiful landscape which the snow gives us. Just don't sit at home and emailing the BBC to complain about the state of our country.

Here are two examples of lovely snow landscapes taken by yours truely.

However, to take a slightly hypocritical view to the above paragraphs; why is our country so useless as coping with snow and cold weather? Trains are cancelled and the ones that do run are hours late or get stuck in the middle of nowhere for 7 hours. Every airport closes for days. No-one can drive in a straight line without nearly crashing into another driver because the council decided to not grit certain roads. People can't even walk down the street without fearing for their lives.

The snow affected me too you know. I had to drive in that snow. At night. When it was falling out of the sky quick and hard. On roads with no grit and doing no more than 20mph on a road which would usually have people travelling at over 60mph. I did well to drive the 10 miles in these conditions without so much as a tyre going out of place. Then, I approach a roundabout where a Land Rover driver decides to not indicate and turn my direction. I used the brakes in a vain attempt to stop but slid straight into his path. He avoided me and he done a pirouette, narrowly missing a street sign and made another attempt to get around the roundabout. The next day, when I attempted to get home, literally metres away from where I park the car, on the top of a small, yet steep hill, my poor little car just skidded and refused to go forwards. All that effort just to see Harry Potter (incidentally, it was worth the hassle).

You see, our country would benefit from nationwide annual tyre changes. However, I'm not prepared to spend hundreds of pounds to change my tyres. And neither are you. None of us are prepared to pay even higher taxes to pay for the extra gritters on the roads. No one is going to pay even higher train fares to allow companies to spend money constantly de-icing train tracks or spend more on plane tickets to allow the airports to buy the expensive equipment.

The residents of Britain are like little spoilt children who get exactly what they want, and when Daddy says no to a jet-powered Unicorn, they have a massive paddy where they cry and shout abuse. If we don't get the exact services we desire, such as trains being pulled through the snow by a pack of huskies, penguins controlling the traffic or being carried to the shops on the back of a polar bear, we start shouting abuse. Well, you know what: Tough shit. How old are you? Exactly! You should be old enough to know that life isn't fair.

However, we are now at the festive season people like to refer to as 'Christmas'. It snows every Christmas. It has snowed for every Christmas since the alleged birth of Jesus Christ. What do you mean no it hasn't? It does. What, you calling me a liar are you now? I promise you, it is a metrological fact that it does snow every single Christmas! I can prove this with heavy persuasion. In every fantasy and on every program on the Television and every film in your DVD collection, it snows on Christmas Day. Forget about what really happens in real life; it does snow every single Christmas Day, without fail. Without snow, people don't believe it is Christmas, even if it is fake snow produced by a machine just out of shot on Eastenders. You see, believe me now do we?

Anyway, I hope the snow didn't bother you too much and your plans for Christmas haven't been ruined by the slight dusting of snow.

Merry Christmas, Season Greetings, I hope Yule get everything Yule desire and that Yule don't get a paper cut from the wrapping paper.

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 5-1)

Now we find ourselves at my final 5 reasons as to why life in Britain is so depressing. To recap, we had Simpson Repeats, Dependency of Technology, Complaining, Entertainment and the young people’s version of 'love'. Yes, these are not very typically depressing subjects and they do not have a big effect in Britain's level of depression. That is why they were lower down the list. These next and final five are bad. They will have you sitting at your computer screen making your blood boil at the realisation that these things are terrible and happen far too often in our culture; or at the very list, make me more of a cynic. Either way...

5. Get Off Facebook
The whole world seems to spend far too much time on Facebook, especially on Facebook. Everything has to be Facebooked. You have to share your current activity or thought with your friends. You have to create group so you can share your values and ideals with other people worldwide. Share pictures from the night before, and then moan when everyone sees them. Even relationships only become properly official when Facebook says so. People live in houses which have gardens covered in weeds because they spend too much time on Farmville growing Strawberries and the real dog goes unfed because the virtual one needs feeding. It seems that Facebook has ruined and taken over our lives. I am guilty of this too, but I'm not happy about it.
Living a country in which no-one goes outside and spends their life talking to 'friends' on Facebook can have its advantages with it meaning that all the people no-one likes have something to do. My Facebook gets rarely updated and I spend very little time on it now these days, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I feel sorry for all the people of our country that are addicted to Facebook for getting no sunlight. However, I envy the homeless guy in the underpass that has not got a Facebook page, he has not got to worry about the mundane things like us more fortunate people have to, like what to update our status to. Anyway, please British Facebooker’s go out and get a drink with some real friends and help stop the recession instead of paying AOL £15 a month to sit on Facebook.

4. Our Life Being Controlled By Machines
Self Checkout Machines. These were sold to us an easier and quicker way for paying for our shopping. What a lie that turned out to be. You scan your shopping yourself. Sounds simple enough. You have numerous attempts at scanning a pint of milk before it finally realises you are trying to scan something. You have to make sure you put it in exactly the right place in the bagging area otherwise it'll moan at you. Inevitably something will not work properly, then it starts shouting for assistance like a rape alarm made by Steven Hawking. You find that the amount of staff used to attend all the cries for help by these robots would be the same number needed to run the equivalent number of proper checkouts. Then you have to pay. If you pay by card, they're nice to you. Should you pay with cash/coins, then you are in big trouble. The machines will never accept it on your first or second attempt. You'll be lucky if it accepts the money on the third, but more likely on the fourth go. You then have to stand there for a minute while the machine seems to count the change out. QUICKER? You're having a joke are you not?
Then you have those parking machines. Rarely a simple thing, and yet another machine which tries to ruin my life and makes my blood boil. I've been driving not even two months and numerous times I have just stood and shouted at the machine. First it won't accept the coins. Then it swallows the coins and you lose them. Then it spits them out at you just as you start putting more money in. All this for a couple of hours parking. I won't even get started at the price. We moan about unemployment, so why could we not employ people. Sure, they'll probably just get moody and we would still moan, but at least it would be more efficient - however, probably more expensive as the case is. I think the next Government should start the abolishment of machines and go back to using people. Hint Hint...

3. Grasp Of The English Language
A well-known pet hate of mine is people using text speak and slang. I don't understand why it is used. It takes me longer to work out what half the abbreviations mean than it would take to type the actual words. Slang, I can live with, as that is just our language evolving to become a more bastardised form. Text speak is just pointless. Since when has 'yoo' been easier than typing 'you'? Is there much effort to move your finger a few centimetres left? 'KK' is shorter of 'OK'. Again, since when has it been so hard to move your finger a centimetre higher? Then the worst of the lot - 'Iz'. Why are people trying to shorten short words? It just makes no sense. Text speak is purely just the language of the stupid and lazy.
Then you have words that have changed meaning over time. 'Epic' is a new favourite commonly used. A word that once meant heroic or impressively great now seems to be 'epically' overused to mean absolutely anything. You can have an 'epic fail', maybe an 'epic win' or just possibly an 'epic haircut'. The word 'Epic' has now been bastardised. Like I said in the previous blog, Love also has changed meanings with it now meaning to just be infatuated with another person mostly. Then you have new words. The new word which bugs me the most is 'lol'. I have got used to it being used on the Internet, and that no longer bugs me. What bugs me is people saying 'lol' in real every day-to-day life. I miss the days when people used to laugh. Anywho, maybe you lot should start writing and talking properly.

2. 'Celebrities'
It no secret. I hate 'Celebrities'. I hate Katie Price. I hated Jade Goody (and still technically do). I hate Piers Morgan. I hate Miley Cyrus. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Lindsey Lohan. I hate Gerard Butler. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Jack Tweed. I hate Zac Efron. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate John Terry. I hate Cheryl Cole. I hate Alex Reid. I hate Chris Brown. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate 'Jedward'. I hate Russel Brand. I hate Fearne Cotton. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. I hate Susan Boyle. I hate Heather Mills. I hate Kanye West. I hate Geri Halliwell. I hate Peaches Geldoff. I hate Vanessa Hugdens. I hate Myleene Klass. I hate David Van Day. I hate Esther Rantzen. I hate Vernon Kay. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Alexandra Burke. I hate Amy Winehouse. I hate Judy Finnigan. I hate both Liam and Noel Gallagher. I hate Kate Moss. I hate Jack Osbourne.
I hate a lot of celebrities. Infact, it probably would have been easier to just say I hate all celebrities and save the hassle of writing that long list. Anywho, shall I tell you whose fault it is we have to hear about them all the day? Yours! You keep buying these gossip magazines that fuel celebrity culture and all the people mentioned in the above list. These people that buy the magazines are also the ones that moan about constantly hearing about Katie Price's new marriage. Well, if you don't care, don't buy the magazine that pays her to tell you about it. It's like people moaning about Child Labour in poor countries - while wearing their brand new shoes, made in a poor country by a child. Members of the public (well, not you all, but a majority of you), could you please stop buying these magazines!

Which leads me on nicely to Number One...

1. The Media
Have you watched ITV News since they renovated themselves a few months ago? It is essentially The Sun being read out with moving pictures. The young journalists always seem to be too excited when they have been sent out with a Microphone and a Camera. Using younger presenters, instead of the experienced ones, appeals to the younger audience, ideally, people of a similar age to me. It was all part of a plan to get young people interested in the news. If anything, it has put me off the news. I don't watch Sky News for the same reason. I now only watch BBC news. Is it because they are the best? No, it is because I want the news told to me by experienced journalists, not young ones who have more spots than I do. This depresses me that they have to have a target audience. It is the news. Just read the news out properly, and people who are interested will find it and watch it.
The newspapers as always are keen to jump on any tiny, insignificant story and blow it way out of proportion or just completely change the story to make it more glamorised. An example of this in a local paper recently was it telling its readers that 'An old man was involved in a vehicle accident with a lorry and was seriously injured'. The real story was actually 'An old woman lost control of her car after getting a puncture, but only received minor injuries'. Stories like these can be found in every newspaper across the country. The famous story which was blown completely out of proportion by the newspapers is the Ross/Brand fiasco. Not many people complained initially. Then, the papers took it out of proportion and context, and then thousands of people complained, despite only reading about. The same could be said for Tiger Woods affairs towards the end of last year. The newspapers were not content on just saying that he had an affair, but they had to find the woman and interview her. Then, report on every other affair that was revealed. Why should we care about a man’s private life? Because the media tell us we should.
Another pet hate of mine in the media, which has the main objective of shaming and depressing Britain as a nation, is coming up with percentages and averages which compare us to other countries in negative things such as teenage pregnancy, unemployment or gang violence. It seems to be reported on a weekly bases that Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates. I see no reason for them to need to do this. You cannot stop teenagers having sex, so why keep telling us we have the horniest teenagers in the world. I never see the point in comparing us to other countries. If anything, you're just convincing more people to migrate to other countries.
The media always seems intent on comparing celebrities as well. Complaining when they look slightly fat: 'Is that very tiny bulge over her bikini bottoms? It is! Zoom in as far as you can, put it in Photoshop and add some stretch marks, and then put it in this week’s Hello magazine.' I do not quite see how pointing out everyone's small and highly unimportant flaws to the world is classed as entertainment. However, when the same celebrity is seen a few weeks later with a slightly smaller bulge over her bikini bottoms, the media might as well start shouting the accusations of a diet or plastic surgery from a very tall building in London with a megaphone, without any evidence of course. The hypercritical journalists found in the media are very annoying and after a while of reading these stories, just gets tiring and boring.
I have chosen the media as my preferred sector to have a career in. Why, I am not quite sure, seeing as it annoys me the most. I'm not going into the business to try and change it, because that will never happen. The fact that I have chosen a profession which annoys me, just proves that I love to moan, and also highly depresses me; thus why it is found at the number one spot.

There you have it, the top ten reasons why life on this Island which people call 'Britain' is depressing. There will be people who disagree with my ratings, and there will be those who will completely agree and congratulate me in summarising British life into two blogs. However, a majority of those people will never read this blog, but people who do read this. Please give me your thoughts.

I have decided that in years time, when I have spent far too long living in Britain and I have begun to lose my marbles as a result of Britain angering me so much, I'm going to get a welcome bath mat, just to keep me guessing.

Seeing as people seem to fail to find the first half; here are Reasons 10 - 5.

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 10-6)

I have lived in Britain for nearly 18 years, infact since the day I was born, and I've always been quite negative of the country. That is not to say that there is nothing positive to say about Britain, because there is. I am lucky enough to live in one of the richest countries in the world which is also a democracy (however, both of those could be easily argued against). The country has a great education system, a health system which entitles everyone to free treatment (to an extent) and has a rich and vibrant history which includes playing numerous key roles in world changing events, like 9/11.
If you are lucky enough to be able to get out of the polluted cities, you are welcomed by the smell of horse manure in the country, and despite its smell, is a beautiful and colourful place with plastic bags and burnt Ford Fiesta's. Yes, Britain has lots of positive, but it has far too many negatives which out-weigh these dwindling positives. Of course, I would love to throw away my education to spend all my time naming and describing every negative about Britain, but instead I have created the top 10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing.

10. Channel 4 Showing The Simpsons
We all remember the time many years ago when BBC 2 stopped showing The Simpson's and Fresh Prince Of Bell-Air. It was horrendous. Was a terrible moment for any Simpson fan that was not lucky enough to have Sky. Millions of people had nothing to do in that 45 minute slot. Then Channel 4 came and saved us all. A compromise was that we had to put up with, was adverts, but we soon adjusted and loved the fact that The Simpsons were now back on our televisions at 6pm. However, I think it is time we rebelled. I cannot be the only one who is sick of seeing the same Simpson episode every month. Sure, they're good, but a bit of variety would be lovely. Why can't they show The Simpsons like they show Friends and Scrubs: Start from the very beginning and work their way through every series. It would be fantastic. It has been years since I have seen some of the episodes, and anything from series 14 onwards I've not seen. This is one reason why life in Britain is depressing - so much repetitiveness of popular things. Sort it out please Channel 4 - I beg you!

9. Our Country And Technology
You are probably more than aware that recently the whole world went into shutdown as flights got cancelled by a natural phenomenon. The news spent 6 days constantly reporting about how Britain was facing big problems because of this, like Chris Moyles being stranded in New York. However, Britain is bad for living without technology. A small power cut can close all the shops in the high street because people can't pay by card. We moan when we have a slow Internet connection and have to update our Facebook status to tell everyone; well once the page loads anyway. People have also become so addicted to their phones that should they leave their phone at home, the entire's day conversation is devoted to mentioning it. 10 years ago not many people had Mobile Phones and had to use those ancient and now rare red boxes. You have to admit, slightly pathetic that people in Britain cannot survive like their ancestors did, just for an hour.
Our country also seems to be very reluctant to repair anything. Over a week ago my camera lens broke and I thought it quite a basic thing to get repaired. No, I'd have to spend at least £60 to send it to China to be repaired and then pay for parts. It would also take at least 6 weeks. CHINA! We complain about unemployment levels and I have to send my camera to CHINA to get repaired. It eventually works out cheaper to just buy a new one. However, then we complain that we throw away too much plastic and other un-biodegradable products. If we fixed things, it wouldn't happen. Then of course, you cannot fix anything yourself because that then cancels the warranty, so instead you have to pay a fat block in a jumpsuit £70 an hour to look at the broken nut in the Washing Machine, before he tut's and announces he cannot replace the nut.
What is with our country, technology and fixing nothing. It is a poor state of affairs that separates our generations. If anything goes wrong, my Grandad will take the product into his garage and tinker with everything until he finally sorts the problem. Usually, he'll cause other problems in the process, but he tries to repair things and gets his hands dirty. His mind knows how to fix things. You take a twenty-something now and give them the task of repairing a dishwasher, they'll just go to Comet and buy another one. I have gotten into the great habit of taking things apart myself and repairing them before consulting a professional. People will never learn, so Britain - please at least try and make an effort to replace a broken bolt before spending £300 on a new Washing Machine.

8. Complaining About EVERYTHING
No-one is perfect, and this is something that we as human beings have evolved to accept and work around. However, us Brits have developed a reputation for always complaining, drinking tea constantly and wearing suits and bowler hats. Well, I'm British, don't like tea, not worn many suits and only warn bowler hats as a joke. However, as this blog reiterates, I like to complain. You usually cannot go more than a day or so without being behind a woman in a shop complaining that the cheap shoes she brought were not very good. Then everyone complains about the Government. Everything in our society is their faults if idiots are to be believed - and they should not be believed. You can't blame Gordon Brown for the potholes. He is not responsible for the weather which caused it or the bad workmanship. Sure, he's far from perfect, but still.
Everything costs too much, no-one can get a job, a natural phenomenon meaning people cannot travel for a few days, people work too many hours, the police do their job too well, the police do not do their job well enough, there is nothing good on telly and life just being generally unfair are some of the complaints I have heard this week. To be honest, get over it. That is life, and complaining will not do any good. Neither will writing a scarcely read blog, but that is my own problem. I just think we complain far too much and do not realise how lucky we are. You have to admit, they are pretty mundane things. When someone starts complaining they're living on the street, with no food or money then I will let them. Otherwise, would all be kind enough to tone down the complaints?

7. British Entertainment
We live in a country where BBC 3 rules if you're under 27; a channel where awful and utterly unhilarious comedy is shown (with the occasional exception). Coming Of Age - How awful! It is a show with unimaginative characters which all conform to a stereotype of 'typical' teenage life with awful storylines. Do not get me started on their bad innuendo's and sex jokes either. I like to think myself pretty good at those sorts of jokes and also think I could write much better and funnier jokes (and have). Snog, Marry, Avoid is also an awful show in which they get some slapper to stand infront of the camera and look disgusting before they are tidied up to look respectable and cleared their face of plaster. Essentially, it is what you would get if you crossed Gok Wan and Frankie Boyle together or something like that. Then of course you have ITV 2, ITV's answer to BBC 3 where they try to appeal to the younger adults/teenagers by showcasing their stupid and pathetic humour. Keith Lemon? Well I've seen dog poo funnier than him. Then well, the less said about ITV 2 showing Katie Price’s life on TV, the better I think.
Over The Rainbow is quite an awful show too. Obviously trying to compete against Simon Cowell, Andrew Lloyd-Webber has developed a knack for shouting at the girls and putting them down at every opportunity. Also, what is with the man and hugging their shoes when they get evicted as well? Someone go to Oxfam and buy him some second hand shoes - this man clearly has a fetish. I do not quite get how getting a group of girls to sing Robbie Williams songs will help in casting the perfect person for the part of Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz.
Films and everything else now, have to be in 3D. To be honest, I spend my entire life in the three dimensional world, what if I enjoy escaping to a 2D world where Dragons do not coming flying past me? Also, what if I do not want to put glasses on every time I want to watch a film? Everything is classed as 'the best film released so far this year'. By that logic, you would expect a film being released in December to be better than one released in January, but really, they're just as crap as the next. I am not a film fan, due to having a short attention span. I get bored. I want to play with my phone or talk half way through. However, it is hard to go to the cinema to watch a British film, because they are not very common. The American's rule the roost and every British film is classed as an independent movie and it just makes it sound crap before you even read the title of the movie.
Then music. That too is pretty awful. Thanks to shows like Pop Idol and X-Factor, and the social networking site MySpace, we now live in a world where anyone can record music. As long as you have access to some form of recording equipment, you can record your music and put it on the Internet in the vain hope that some big music producer stumbles upon it. Due to this, the radio is now full of new music which is exactly the same and badly produced. There is even a song with electronic whistling. What the heck is with that, could they not find anyone with the ability to whistle in the entire building? Then you have the latest trend of new artists covering old songs, and ruining them. Let's take Don't Stop Believin' by Journey as an example. A song very unpopular when originally released, but thanks to Glee and Joe McElderry it became a modern popular hit. However, the song has been ruined. Glee is an American TV series, in which they try to see how many classic songs they can murder in one hour, whilst scattering the show with a complicated plot. Songs they have killed include Somebody To Love - Queen, Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police, Imagine - John Lennon, Hello - Lionel Richie, Give You Hell - All American Rejects and so many more. This is a show that should come with warning before every episode: "This program is not suitable for people who like music". I get on my knees and beg Britain, please stop watching these awful shows, seeing these movies with the same plotline and listening to modern music. If people stop consuming them, people will stop making them and the circle of crap will be stopped.

6. Love

Yet again I am mentioning in a blog that I remain single, and have ever since I started this blog. I have witnessed many people fall in and out, and then back into love before you have even had the chance to say 'There are plenty more fish in the sea'. Infact, it seems to be all I do; watch people fall in and out of love. It gets annoying. I get fed up of girls saying 'Men are such pricks' or something along those lines. One might point out, no they are not, and it’s just the ones you choose. Going back to my earlier point of us living in a disposable world, love in Britain seems to be one of them. If it's too hard to fix, then give up, throw it away and start again. Love is not really love. Love has become to mean infatuated, and now love is no longer a strong enough word to explain the strong emotions that are associated with marriage and growing old together.

Then there is an obsession to always be in a relationship amongst the younger adults. I don't like to fit into this mould (or is the excuse I use) of switching from relationship to relationship. Relationships in this country seem to be a fashion accessory, and if you don't have one then you do not fit in. I unfortunately have been forced into the cynical opinion and no longer seem to have the ability to 'like' people in that way, and this was all started because of this modern culture we find ourselves in, in Britain. If you have marriage problems, the answer now seems to be to have an affair then go on Jeremy Kyle. So please people of Britain, stop having a new relationship every other day and also, would you mind not rubbing it in my face that you're in love and I'm not - I'm getting slightly jealous of you all and my depression is slowly increasing as a result.

And so you have it, the first five reasons why life in Britain is so depressing. It mainly escalates from my own personal opinions of everything and personal experiences. I looked forward to my daily dose of Simpson's but now I feel like I'm suffering from Déjà vu every time I put on Channel Four at 6PM. I weep when I look at my old camera and think of all the memories we had together and remember that we live in country which no longer fixes anything. I get angry every time I complain about being angry, and thus a paradox has been created, which all started because Jade Goody and Katie Price annoying me a few years ago. I feel sorrow when I put the TV on to get distracted from my depressing day in Britain and try to escape for a few hours of entertainment, to find such a thing no longer exists on our island. The less said about how I feel about love the better I think. Let's just say - I'm getting none of it and it has become tiring and depressing.

Hopefully the second part of this blog, containing the top 5 reasons why life in Britain can be depressing, will be posted towards the end of the week.

The Snow-Pocalypse

Snow? That white stuff that falls from the sky and lands on the ground so we can build snowmen and throw snowballs. Last week? Country grinding to a halt? Roads not being gritted? People crashing their cars as a result of the snow? Thousands of schools being cancelled? People being stuck in their homes? A shortage of food in some areas? Over a foot of the stuff? Nope, no-one told me about. You would have thought a thing like that would at least be mentioned on the news.

I'm only yanking your chain and 'having you on'. Of course I remember the snow. How could I not? My retina's are still burnt after the light glaring off it blinded me everytime I walked past the window. I still walk out the door and see mounds of the stuff on fields and by the roads where men dressed in scarves and hats once stood proudly. Down in Kent we had almost a foot of the white stuff and for an entire week people moaned endlessly about it.

I'm blaming the snow for me failing my driving test. Technically it didn't affect me at all, but I feel left out not having something to moan about. I missed one day of school as a result of the snow, which wasn't that bad considering how bad the news made it sound. If I sat and watched the news I would be Agoraphobic by now. You would think there were viscous polar bears wondering the streets and lurking around every corner was an angry penguin holding a deadly bomb which would destroy the Earth. It was snow, not the apocalypse. I think it is pretty amazing how a beautiful white landscape can strike such fear into people. Do you think people who live in places like Switzerland look out the window every morning clutching a cross praying for their lives to be spared? No - they live with it.

Nick Griffin must have cried with delight when he opened his curtains on the morning of the initial snowfall to realise his dream of a white Britain had finally come true. He must have felt the same excitement of every eight year old child. If I was eight and saw that there was an entire foot of snow outside, chances are I would be frothing at the mouth after collapsing to ground at the single thought of all the wonderful things I could do in the snow. I could build an Igloo, maybe a giant snowman which would come to life or make snow angles. I could make the worlds the largest snowball and throw it at my mate so he was paralysed for the rest of his life. Oh, that would be sooo cool. Of course I'm not eight though. I'm seventeen with exams to pass and a life to continue to try and live. My first thought upon seeing the weather man forecast snow was "Well that's going to be a bugger isn't it."
It has become the coldest winter on record for 30 years with more snow expected in the next few days. A few years ago I would love this fact and praying every night that it does snow. It's just a palaver now I'm mature; which is kind of depressing really. Didn't get much snow when I was young enough to enjoy it, and now, if anything, I don't want it to snow. Sure, it is pretty and has given me plenty of perfect images to add to my photography coursework, but still it doesn't feel me excitement.

Our nation becomes so obsessed with snow when it does finally come. I counted the word 'snow' being said 54 times in one half hour news show. Now, that is just a ridiculous amount of times. Every ten minutes the man on the news or the radio would be warning us not to travel unless it was strictly necessary. However, news teams across the country rushed out into the snow to make a live link to prove it is actually snowing outside of London. Up north, they got so desperate for news that the local news station actually went to a village which had no snow. Every news station had images and videos of people slipping and face-planting the pathment. They had footage of cars struggling to drive up a steep hill and having to reverse down. Images of hundreds of cars parked up by the side of the road where people had given up. It the news images looked like a scene from BBC One's Survivor's, or maybe one of the Doctor Who episodes where the Master comes along and something awful happens to man-kind; just before The Doctor comes on to save us once again. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, but that's how extreme it looked.
The news was quick to report that a policeman went sledging down a hill with his riot shield. Now I personally think that is very inventive and indeed that man should go on the next series of Dragons Den. Instead, he and his fellow police officers who joined him got reprimanded. This is how our nation got the reputation of being boring, strict people. It was only a bit of fun.
Then on every news show, there was a poor reporter standing at some Gritting Depot to say that they're working through the night to grit the roads and there were 'Dwindling supplies'. In fairness, there isn't a great deal of fun to be had from Gritting Depot's. No-one cares about them during the summer, so just because it's snowing slightly outside, these people become our saviours and when they can't grit one small, unused street, we tell them they're useless. How unappreciative are we as a nation?
Then we constantly moan at the weather forecasters who keep predicting the weather 6 months in advance incorrectly. To be honest, that has got to be one of the worst things to try and predict. Why do we want to know what the weather is going to be in six months time anyway? People lived perfectly fine 20 years ago before we could it. It seems like a waste of time to me really. This is effectively trying to predict the future, and fortune tellers have a reputation for not being accurate. However, they do try and again, we show no appreciation for them trying. The same as we show no appreciation for the postman that still delivers the post in his shorts. If Rugby players think they're men, then they should try getting up at 5 in the morning in the snow to deliver bills.

Everytime it snows as well, people moan about how our country pathetically grounds to halt when it snows because we see how America cope with much more snow than us, and places like Switzerland cope with it all the time. The idea of their airports closing, trains breaking down and people taking the day of work seems ridiculous to them. Kids still manage to go to school despite the fact they've had to tie tennis rackets to their feet. It is ridiculous in comparison to them, but how often do we get snow like this. Not very often, and if Global Warming isn't a myth (which I believe it is to a certain respect) then we won't have to deal with snow for much longer anyway. I reckon we should just stop moaning and enjoy the snow when it comes. Stop being such boring people Britain and embrace the next round of apocalyptic snow.

I did see two brilliant things during the snow however. They both prove how rude and immature we can be when given the chance. The first was a giant erect penis which had been constructed in someone's front garden. Not only that, but disturbingly they went to a great deal of effort to make it look realistic, let's put it that way. The other was a snowman with a carrot and two lumps of coal like most traditional snowmen. However, these were not in the traditional place, and where infact put in a position to resemble a certain part of a man's lower anatomy. Such humour our nation when it snow, but as soon as it melts, everyone goes back to their BMW's, a suit and a briefcase to continue life as a mature adult.

I don't want to grow up.

Here is a video of a man slipping on the ice on an Irish News program.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CT0a-Hgumo