Why Would Anyone Want To Ever Be A Journalist?

Journalists are complete and utter bastards, I think we can all agree on that. Recent allegations against Journalists, Editors and Newspaper 'brands' make them all come across as heartless bastards with no morals, no guilt and only have a taste for money, and whether it interrupts with some small murder inquiry, well who cares; you could earn up to £100,000 if your fantastic story hits the front page of the News Of The World. Stupid, selfish bastards, that's what Journalists are. Only an idiot would spend three years and get into £21,000 debt so they can become one… Oh, right, yeah. Idiots like me. Want to see what idiot looks like? Come around my house and ask for Stuart. You can punch me if you like (Please don't punch me).

I am utterly disgusted. One could kid themselves that they'll change the face of Journalism, but reality is, I will be nothing but a speck of a dust when it comes to a list of all the Journalists. I'll make no difference what so ever. The last few days, I've begun to reconsider my life plans. Why would anyone willingly become associated with those selfish, incompetent, money sucking, bastard scumbags? That's not to say that these allegations have tainted what it means to be a Journalist; that happened many years ago, but this just highlights how awful those people are. Bastards!

This blog has been written slowly over a course of 10 days (however, it won't seem like it when you read it), and not because I couldn't be bothered to do it, just because this story has moved so quickly, it would just mean that paragraphs of writing would be benign before I even finished the blog, let alone published it.

Anyway, so this story has been going on for years (since 2003 I do believe), with it slowly coming out that politicians like John Prescott and Boris Johnson, as well as celebrities like Hugh Grant and Gwyneth Paltrow, had their phones hacked, and they got a bit angry, and small debates started on Newsnight and Question Time, The Guardian got uppity and the story went away, after a Police Investigation which (now, rather ironically) said that nothing illegal had occurred. Then July 2011 happened and now, within a week, the face of the media has altered drastically and Journalists are hated more than a love child between Katy Price and Piers Morgan would be.

What has all the recent fuss actually been about I hear the ignorant population trying to speculate. Well, essentially, some Journalists have lost sight of what it means to be a Journalist. I have always thought the news was to explain in a clear, unbiased way, the recent events that have been happening locally and World-wide. When Murdoch came to our shores and brought with him his ruthlessness that seemed to change. Now Journalists seek out news stories that they think will help grab that coveted front page headline (Worth up to £100,000 remember), and therefore sell more papers. 'Investigative Reporting' this is called. They will go to any means to find out a dirty secret about someone in the media spotlight, because APPARENTLY, that's what the public want. No, I don't care that someone I've heard of has slept with a hooker. I don't think a majority of the public DO want that. I think they want to be informed in an intelligent, non-patronising manner, about the current news to gain a better understanding of life on our planet.

It came out nearly two weeks ago now that investigative reporting went to the dirty lows where no morals exist and tampered with a murder inquiry just so they could have more people crying for longer to drag a story out. Milly Dowler is the first example we're told of. In 2002, she was abducted before being murdered. However, despite being murdered, she still managed to delete voice messages. As you can see, before they found her body (which took 6 months, a heck of a long and excruciating time for her family you understand), they thought she was alive and listening to her messages. That gave her family and friends false hope. That is despicable. Who could do such a thing? Well, a News Of The World journalist of course. That 'journalist' had hacked the phone of Milly Dowler and was listening to the heartbreaking messages from her loved ones on her phone. And when her voice mail become full, he deleted messages so that more people could leave heartbreaking messages for him to carry on listening to and continue to drag out the story. Yeah, I think if hell exists, there is a place reserved for him down there.

This was what led to this phone hacking scandal to go nuclear, and it then came out that all high profile child murder enquiries would have to be reopened due to it being possible that journalists from the News Of The World had done the same thing.

Then more and more despicable and shameful storied leaked out of the Guardian and the BBC, day after day about the News Of The World hacking peoples phones and bribing policemen. It was revealed that the mobile phones of the victims and the families of the London terrorist attacks (or 7/7 as the media refer to it as), have been hacked, again to listen to all the heartbreaking, upsetting messages that concerned people would have left for them. It was revealed that maybe even the victims from the New York terrorists attack (9/11 as the media refer to it as) had been hacked and now that's being investigated by the FBI. It came out that the families of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan have been hacked.  It came out that Gordon Brown had his personal information hacked and The Sun wanted to reveal the news that his son has cystic fibrosis. It was suggested that a private investigator gave personal details of the senior royal family for £1000 a time. It was also, very worryingly, revealed that some reporters paid members of the Metropolitan police to gain these personal numbers and details which led to some of these hackings in the first place. All very hard hitting, shocking stuff.

And after all that news came out, News Of The World closed and will never print again. However, give it a few months and a new paper will take its place, don't worry. Andy Coulson, who was once editor, was arrested, but that's where this story became a witch hunt. Rebekah Brooks wasn't arrested, she wasn't even sacked. Sure, 11 days later, she resigned, but she's still not been arrested. 200 people lost their jobs when News Of The World closed, and for the most part, despite the reputation of the paper, it had some of the best journalists in the country; World even. Very talented, innocent people. Only a few hacked, not all of them. Is it fair they lost their jobs? Not in the slightest. I will give you some figures though: The newspaper printed 2.5 million copies every Sunday. On the final Sunday, they printed under 5 million copies. The front page boasted '7.5 million loyal readers'. They're great journalists, but mathematicians they're not...

So why should you not feel sorry for Rebekah Brooks? Well, let me just remind you that she was arrested in 2005 for, allegedly, domestically abusing her then husband, which was Ross Kemp: TV's hardman! 200 people lost their jobs to try and save her job, and look where that ended. The most disgusting thing about her (second to that hair of her's) is how much of a lying bitch she is. She honestly expects people to believe that she knew nothing about any of this hacking lark. She never questioned any of these secret stories and there source? That means she either lied, in which case she should have been sacked, OR she was an idiotic, incompetent editor who was completely ignorant to everything that happened when she was in charge; in which case she should have been sacked. However, that would never have happened because the political hypocrites wouldn't have liked that. Gordon Brown and David Cameron went to her wedding; how can they possibly take the moral high ground on this? They didn't want her sacked, they wanted her to resign; meaning she still gets a huge pension and other perks, which is wrong. BURN HER; SHE'S A WITCH! I heard someone say we shouldn't harass her as it's not very nice. How bloody ironic!? Some really middle-class idiots phone up Radio 2 y'know. I think we should continue to harass her for a taste of her own medicine if she doesn't get arrested, and it should become legal to intrude on the privacy of her life. I think we should arrest Piers Morgan too. He wasn't editor when the hacking happened, but we should just arrest for once being editor of News Of The World, The Sun and The Daily Mail.

This all came at a very poignant time for the media industry. News Corporation, for some time now, has been trying to buy the complete rights to BSkyB. They already own a percentage, but they wanted more. This is something I and 160,000 other people where against and signed an online petition to stop this happening. You only have to look at America and the Fox network to know that this isn't the way we want our country to end up. This scandal and its tainting on the reputation of News International, along with widespread anger at this deal, led to Rupert Murdoch pulling out his bid. Huzzah! Come on everyone; let's have a party to celebrate the power of public outcry! Woo hoo!

All in all, these have been the worst two weeks that News Corporation has ever had. They've had their reputation ruined both sides of the Atlantic. I mean, we all know how patriotic the American's are and how protective they are of anything to do with 9/11. If victims’ families have been hacked, the American's will want blood. They have lost their biggest selling newspaper. Murdoch has lost his chances of owning BSkyB anytime soon. Rebekah Brooks has gone. And, now they're being investigated which will undoubtedly end with the Murdoch's paying huge sums in damages to everyone. They may as well just send everyone in Britain a cheque for £500 and be done with it. I hope heads roll for all this, I really do.

The only way it could get worse for the Journalism industry is if it were revealed that it's their fault Princess Diana died in that French tunnel because they were too busy, photographing the scene and trying to grab the headline first, to actually help her… WHAT!?

P.S. I would love to write so much more and express my opinions, so maybe I’ll do a second blog soon on the subject. Watch this blogspot…

The Other Way Is Sussex

Television isn't in a great place at the moment. There are moments when brilliance peers through, like the sun shining through occasional holes in the dark, rain-filled clouds of idiocy, but overall, only taboo language can successfully describe the light emitted from everyone's televisions. Dramas are, for the most part, relatively predictable and usually pretty boring these days. Comedy's are, for the most part, aimed at the stereotypically stupid and mentally disabled. Talent shows are, for the most part, fixed to give Simon Cowell media coverage and money. And documentaries; they seem to be choreographed to show the 'real lives' of the stereotypically stupid and horny, shown on ITV 2 and E4.

With television being mostly repeats, it's not so much a bother that the output is mainly crap, than it would have been 15 years ago before we had a huge selection of TV to choose from, but it is. With there being very little output of new shows, we need those shows to be brilliant, fantastic, sensational, inspiring and many other buzz words. Let's take comedies as an example. It's all a matter of opinion, I know, but comedy isn't funny.

I can think of three sitcoms in recent years, that have come from British television, which are reliably funny; Outnumbered (BBC 1), The IT Crowd (C4) and Not Going Out (BBC 1). The former is a great, part improvised, comedy with child actors to be jealous of and wish were your own children. It is the younger, funnier brother of My Family, in that most people can relate to it in one way or another. The IT Crowd is just written by one of our greatest comedy writers in current times; Graham Lineham, who created characters people emphasis with whilst laughing at, and has storylines that take the strangest of turns and can have a house of people cackling madly. The latter, Not Going Out, has those brilliant one lines that resonate and make you laugh louder the more you think about it and stay with you for a long time. The acting may not be anything special, but those lines make up for it. The BBC made a good choice when they decided to 'uncancel' it. Also, take Horrible Histories (CBBC), highly amusing and possibly one of the greatest current comedies, with it mixing intellect with witty sketches. The kids have it so good these days. I had an idea that they should create an adult version for a prime-time BBC 2 slot, but you know what, I think if they showed the CBBC episodes in the evening, it would be just as successful. Plus, people might actually learn something about the Romans, The Tudors and more importantly, The Stuarts! I loved those books when I was child, and turning it into a television show, albeit 10 years late, was a great idea.

The other sitcoms that keep spewing out are not reliably funny and can sometimes make you cringe and want to eat your own eyes and ears so you don't have to withstand another second of it. Anything on BBC 3 usually ticks that box. Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, which I hope is ironically named, is awful, disgusting and utterly vile. Coming of Age seems to think it has cleverly exaggerated the teenage stereotype with humorous consequences, but has instead created glaringly wretched characters with storylines so weak an Ant could beat it in a fight. We Are Klang, from 2009, with Greg Davies had some great ideas, but they were tearfully mistreated, and in the true style of BBC 3, unfunny and utterly cringe worthy.

My Family (BBC 1) should have been cancelled years ago. I used to really enjoy it when I was younger, but now I'm older, the show is older and the family are older, it just doesn't work anymore. Most people will agree that it went downhill when Nick (you know, the man from the BT Ads. He recently became a father and got married. We're all happy for the BT couple…) left the show. Now the children aren't children, it has failed to continue to be a family sitcom, which is were Outnumbered steps in and takes the reins. Everyone wave goodbye to the Harper family. Go on, wave! It's the final series. Toodles!

I come from the era of Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. Back in the days when they wrote comedy and when comedy was great. How can I watch comedy from 30 years ago and laugh harder than what I do at current sitcoms? Blackadder: Sarcastic brilliance. Fawlty Towers: Unbelievably angry humour. Monty Python: Mind-blowingly, erratically random, superbness. Not The Nine O'clock News: Fantastically satirical sketch show. One Foot In The Grave: Belly laughter with a dash of sentimentality. Anything with Ronnie Barker: Well he was just a linguistic genius. There are so, so, so many more. Why can't we make shows like them anymore? Who the bloody hell thought Mrs Brown's Boys (BBC 1) was funny? The audience laughed at the word 'Willy'. That is how bad comedy is; people found that show so funny, it's been commissioned a second series. The BBC 1 controller is robbing ME and YOU of brilliant, clever, witty, laugh out loud humour. How dare him! I will soon be paying my TV license to fund television atrocity such as that.

The God of our dear English language!

Soaps used to represent the real lives of real people. Sure, they exaggerated it a bit to make it more entertaining than mundane, but it still had the ingredients of real life. Now, they seem to have lost the recipe and are now just experimenting to try and give it a bit of a kick; and they ruined it. Coronation Street is the main culprit. A tram crash. Numerous explosions within the past year. Dead bodies buried and hidden everywhere. The placentas of illegitimate children cover the cobbles. Murderer's hide everywhere. What kind of street is this? The crime statistics of Coronation Street must be awful. Its surprising people move there. The writers need to be strung up and shot. The story lines are awful. Then, they're about to destroy the Rovers Return in a huge riot. These aren't stories to entertain, infuse and grab the viewers’ attentions while helping them forget their problems. It's not that anymore. Coronation Street used to be funny. Now, they're trying to turn the soap into a huge production; like they're The Bourne Ultimatum or something. It's ridiculous I tells ya!

Talent shows are now so unbearable to watch. Sure, they were not exactly the most entertaining or morally right shows on the box a few years ago, but now they're just ridiculous. I think Simon Cowell should now just go and live with his metaphorical mistress (America) and leave us (Britain) to move on and carry on life without him. He's either with us, or with those slutty Yanks. The same goes for Piers Morgan while we're on that topic. Keep them, we don't want them back. They're your problems now! Anyway, talent shows are on the way out, and they should just leave respectfully instead of kicking up an undignified fuss. Britain's Got Talent (ITV) is over, you don't need to import David Hasslehoff for us to realise that. Britain has very little talent, and dancing dogs are not part of it. The X Factor too has gone. It can never recover now the peoples' princess, Cheryl Cole, has had her public image tarnished in such a disrespectful way. A show with Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa? Please, that sounds worse than an American chat show hosted by scared-ferret-in-a-suit, Piers Morgan.

Yet, for some reason, they won't let Big Brother die. Last year, it finished. This year, Channel 5 and that bastard Richard Desmond, have brought it back. Now, I also think reality television is, even if very slowly, dying. We all know that comebacks usually don't work. Take the band Blue; they came back and we still hate them. Take Michael Schumacher; he was World F1 champion, but since he returned last year, he hasn't even won a podium. There should be a general rule, which means should you chuck in the towel, you can never come back. That's the one positive thing about Jade Goody; she isn’t coming back! We don't seriously need Big Brother do we? It's always the same every year; a few gay, very bitchy men, in a house with a few idiotic slutty blonde men and women, a hip black man, a middle aged man trying to impress their child and a few people who resemble house plants and vacuums with gormless faces drawn on. Exactly, we don't need Big Brother!

Now, reality television shows are being replaced by ‘reality documentaries’. Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (C4) seemed to be the first to kick it off with its huge popularity. You know those novelty toilet brush covers from the 90's? The women in the show look just like them. It's just a way of making people who work hard all their life think 'How the hell can they do nothing with their lives and afford that wedding, when I work 5 days a week and think buying a pizza on a Friday is pushing the boat out!' It made you resent Gypsies even more; but not as much as the Gypsies you see in town forcing heather in tinfoil down people’s throats for £1.

The popular reality documentaries now, are The Only Way is Essex (ITV 2) and Made In Chelsea (E4), with a new show Geordie Shore (MTV) slowly gaining popularity. These three shows are the tackiest shows on British television, possibly ever.  I haven't watched them, but from the adverts and from what I've heard, these are the stupidest, sluttish, glamed-up freaks that we have ever seen. Big breasts, hair extensions and more make-up than the Avon catalogue; it's like Katie Price has been cloned, and then, they’ve spread them across the country and sent TV crews to film their integration into society. THEN, The Only Way Is Essex won a bloody BAFTA! This is the evidence that television is going down the drain. Society is going down with it, and we're drowning in that dirty bath water, urine, excrement and the stubble from the legs of females, and it'll get in your throat and, it just doesn’t bare thinking about.

So, a conclusion. There is very little comedy that is actually funny. Documentaries are not very informative. Dramas are very little in way of dramatic, apart from occasional glimpses of greatness on BBC 1. Reality hasn't shown the real lives of anyone recently. Soaps are competing with Hollywood films. Talent shows are just a way of showcases Simon Cowell's new facelift. And Gypsies; since when did they become popular?

The Torturesome Twinge Of Teeth

I am reaching a point in my life when I've discovered that my entire body, and particularly the pain receptors which are linked between certain parts of my body and my bastard brain, hate me. My body likes to randomly stop doing things, which other people's body's do perfectly well, just for the sheer hell of it. My toe nails every other year decide to grow inwards because I wear shoes, something which almost every other person on this planet can achieve in one way or another without having to visit a 'foot specialist'. Most people can eat a dinner without their stomach growling like a cow afterwards for reasons no-one really knows. I can't sit in a Costa coffee shop without randomly hiccupping at least once at some point during the visit, whether I've drunk hot chocolate, water or eaten an egg sandwich. Most people can touch a shopping trolley or a light switch without getting a static shot. My ears can't sustain a winter without just refusing not to work with no prior warning. A lot of people can also have teeth in their mouth without a chronic pain which emotionally cripples them and is only kept at bay by living off Pain Killers.

For nearly six months, I have had the same on/off pain in the left side of mouth. Not to one specific tooth; every single flaming tooth on the left of my mouth hurts in some sort of orderly fashion. The pain itself is hard to describe, but I shall try anyway.

You know when you get a deep cut on your hands or anywhere on your body, and you get in a warm bath a few hours after sustaining the said injury, and it stings quite a bit, yet you keep curiously putting it in and out to feel the pain? It's a lot worse than that. You know when you burn your tongue on a hot dinner and you have that painful discomfort for a few days? It's a lot worse than that. You know when you have been punched in the groin by someone with a stud ring on seventy three times within a year minute while having an elephant truck stuffed in your ear gradually? It's worse than that. You know when you get run over by a twenty ton truck going at 150mph down a hill covered in scorpions with a snake pit at the bottom? It's probably not as bad as that. You know when you've been forced to watch every hour of Big Brother contestants blathering in the diary room while someone poked pins randomly into you while another person punched you once every four hours in the face? It's about the same as that. Really irritating intense painful discomfort and you wish it would just stop because you cannot believe how long it can go on for, whilst thinking to yourself "This cannot be good for my mouth".

The obvious answer is to go and visit the Dentist when you get a pain in your mouth, and like a normal person, I did. In fact, in the past six months I have now visited him five times and the hospital once. I've been poked and scrapped and drilled and moulded and x-rayed while taking varying prescribed tablets, and yet, still, the pain has failed to disappear. Now, this is leading me to thinking a number of things. I could be suffering from some rare syndrome not directly related to my teeth but causes this pain (I don't know if such a thing exists, but I still think it). I could be going insane and imagining these pains like the maniac I've clearly transformed into. Maybe I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life because that's how my body rolls.

No-one knows the source of my pain. Everyone has had suspicions, but no-one has actually been proved to be correct. It started life as nerve damage which would be solved by a week’s antibiotics over the Christmas week. Then it wasn't. Then it was due to a tooth being slightly large which would be solved by drilling part of it off. Then it wasn't. Then it might have either been cists or a wisdom tooth which we would find out by an x-ray. Then it wasn't. Now, it's apparently due to me grinding my teeth which will apparently be solved by a bite guard. (It isn't, but my Dentist won't listen to me).

My perfect pearly teeth in X-ray form

I just do not know what the problem is. Maybe my Doctor will help me this week. I'm going to see him about this pain, and I feel guilty, like I'm cheating on my Dentist. Either way, I think this to be conclusive proof that God does not exist. I'm a good, respectful, caring, helpful and reliable person, and even though I don't believe in him, if I were 'one of his flock', he should look after me regardless. I do not deserve this intense pain for six months, and I cannot see how this can be part of his 'divine plan' for my life, so he cannot exist. OR, he does exist and he is a real sadistic bastard. If so, he's probably German…

In the past few months I have also ingested the equivalent to half of Boots, in a vain attempt to save myself from the pain of my mouth. Anadin. Anadin Extra. Boots Paracetamol. Tesco Paracetamol. Morrison's Paracatamol. Panadol. Panadol Fast Relief. Ibrufen. Co Codamol. Pain Killing Mouth wash. And various dissolvable tablets, but the name has vanished. I could be mistaken as an addict. If I got pulled over, I'd probably lose my licence for driving under the influence. Also, the frequency in which I visit the toilet has been increased as a result of poisoning my system. It doesn't matter how many drugs I stuff down my throat, the pain still exists, just the intensity may decrease slightly. Bastards. My teeth are going to kill me, and I don't mean that one night they'll leap out of my mouth, grow to 6 foot tall and then just start throwing me about until I'm a limp carcass (however, gangs of giant teeth are a very serious problem for a modern Britain), I just mean they'll figuratively kill me.

Anyway, I think I failed at describing the pain in my dental region, even though it is a right Piers Morgan (synonymous with being a huge, ugly, rude pain in my arse), so let me pass that responsibility to the XKCD comic...

Dental Nerve - XKCD

UPDATE:
Since the writing of this blog, I've had a few more visits to the Dentist. Turns out I had a huge infection in the tooth I had a filling in some months back, so I'm now in the middle of Root Canal treatment and the pain has subsided. Good news for me, but my Dentist is still confused why it never appeared on any x-rays. The wonders of Dentistry aye...

February: Love Month (Apparently)

The shortest month of the year has been and gone confined to the history books as the second snowy month of 2010. February consists of Pancake Day, a day which everyone eats Pancakes surprisingly. Why only on this day, I don't know. Then February also has 'Valaween' hidden in the middle of it. Just in case you were wondering, I got no late Valentine's Cards, so that is another year of receiving (and sending) none. I look forward to yet another year of having my Facebook Status set to 'Single'.

Snow played yet another big part in this the month of February as it did in January, and yet again every moaned about it. They say we had the coldest winter since 1979 and the news was quick to show us yet more images of our nation suffering. Whether it was of monkeys sitting in the snow in a zoo or a tractor ironically being stuck in the snow after trying to pull a car out of a ditch, we had to be constantly told how much devastation this is causing us Brits. Last year, experts predicted Swine Flu to be the worst thing to affect us this winter, with it potentially killing millions, but instead it was the snow. Who could've seen that coming? Well, you would have thought the people at the Met Office.
Would you believe that it is the job of people at the Met Office to predict the weather so we can prepare ourselves? Yet, every time they seem to fail. A good use of money I think - paying people to do a job wrong. Mind you, if we pay our bankers millions of pounds for losing our money, why shouldn't we pay them to not do their job properly either. It seems our country is full of failures, and yet the Daily Mail still wonder why we have foreigners doing our jobs. Maybe it is because they are more competent - just a guess.
While I am on the subject of competence, let’s go back a few weeks ago (To Valentine's Day infact) when there was a smashing interview between a twatting tit and an unpopular growth. Yes, I am referring to the Piers Morgan/Gordon Brown interview on ITV 1. Now I am sure that you are aware of my dislike of Piers Morgan, so you can imagine my surprise after watching an hour long show with him in it that I 'enjoyed'. Well, maybe 'enjoy' is a bit of an overstatement, but I did think it was very interesting. I believe that Mr Brown came across very well in the interview. Granted, I did spend a majority of the interview just being mesmerised by the skin of Gordon Brown's neck and maybe that is what hypnotised me into liking him.
I think the Scot answered all the questions exactly right, despite Piers Morgan asking him really inappropriate questions which no-one wants to know the answer to. Why should I want to know 'How many girls Gordon Brown slept with while at University’? This was a political interview, not Loose Women! The overall interview was near on 3 hours, so it makes you wonder how awful the other 2 hours of stuff was, but that is the positive of editing I suppose. Alistair Campbell (Incidentally, I met his wife at the beginning of February - Fiona Millar - Thanks Mr Karnavas!) and Gordon Brown must be very happy with the outcome of the interview, and I do truly believe that the interview has actually helped Brown's election chances. However, if I'm 18 before the elections, I will still vote Conservative, but at least he tried.
The Winter Olympics happened in Vancouver, Canada during February as well. It became slightly hard for me to watch after that guy died while practicing for the Luge, so I didn't watch much after the first few days. However, I was pretty addicted to it before that happened and I did become quite the expert in Short Hill Ski Jumping as well as the Speed Skiing. How well did Britain do? Shockingly bad as usual. You would have thought with all the snow we have had, we could have done better. The medal we did though was a gold one.
That medal was one for us by a Miss Amy Williams. She competed in the 'Bob Skelton' which is essentially laying front first on a toboggan while going around a bobsleigh track head-first. It seems like quite scary stuff, and luckily I did actually watch this. A positive of them laying front first is that you can see their rear ends very well. The comment I made while watching her being hurtled around the track by the G-Forces for her winning run was that she had a very nice arse. I am not lying either, it is a VERY nice arse that Amy Williams has.
I think we all know that John Terry would have liked it also. Just in case you are not aware due to being trapped on a desert island with no contact to civilisation, he has been accused of sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend. Yes, it does seem like something that would be found on the Jeremy Kyle show. John Terry cheated on his own wife with the girlfriend of his former best friend and England Teammate. For some reason, Wayne Bridge has pulled out of the England Football team due to it. I wonder why?
Then of course you have the Cheryl Cole/Ashley Cole saga. What is it with footballers and their ability to 'score away from home' (a nice football based pun for you)? My theory is that they get paid too much to do sod all. They train in the morning and nothing the rest of the day. They have all that money, all that fame and the ball skill (two in one paragraph; look at me go). They have the ability to seduce any woman, so they do, despite how utterly gorgeous their 'WAG's are.
However, you can't talk about failing marriages without mentioning Katie Price, or whatever she is calling herself these days. It was only a few weeks since I wrote a blog about Katie Price's latest gossip and already it seems to be out dated. She and Alex got married in Las Vegas. Then there was talk they were getting divorced. Then talk of him wanting to adopt Peter Andre's children. Then talk that he gets no say in the marriage and that Katie 'wears' the trousers in the house. Then more talk about them getting divorced. Then I am being told that they are happily in love.
I am just confused. I try to use as little brain power as possible when it comes to trying to solve what is happening in modern pop culture because I have better and more important things to waste my time thinking about, like whether I want Cheese or Egg Sandwiches for lunch. However, trying to figure out Katie Price's love life is just confusing. However, this does trigger the question - why do we as a nation care?

Now, I apologise for being a day late in posting this blog 'End of the Month' blog. The reason for this is that I had a mad spasm of a social life. I was actually out and having fun which meant I had no time to write the blog. My weekend consisted of sleeping on a bed with more people than the bed was originally designed for then a sofa, as well as drinking alcohol (I am part of the statistic of underage drinkers, but then who isn't?) and eating far too much cake. However, I would describe the weekend as 'Brilliant', 'Much Needed', 'Extraordinary Fun' and also 'One Of My Best Yet'. If I may be slightly cheesy and ruin this angry persona I seem to have going, Thanks Guys for a great couple of days, and I hope you had a great time Emily.

Anyway, onwards with March. I predict that this month will bring more devastation, more marital conflict, more crap telly, and also the celebration of a year without an unloved celebrity...

Katie: 'What's Your' Price?

I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...

She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.

Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.

The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).

In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.

Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.

This is going to be a fun week...

The Shame Of Britain Awards

Just to start, this in no way is mocking The Pride Of Britain Awards, just merely an idea which I've had, in which we can name and shame some of Britain's more shocking people. It can be made as a follow-up to Crimewatch if we wanted. It'd also be just as popular (if not more) than the Pride Of Britain Awards because it'd appeal to the Jeremy Kyle audience who like to watch dysfunctional people be humiliated infront of a national audience.

It would still be a very similar format, with Carol Vorderman wearing a skin tight dress, and he celebrity element would still be there; all sitting around tables with bottles of wine and piles of used tissues, which I assume where used for tears. Gordon Brown would still sit at the front trying to grin, Mr Twat (A.K.A. Piers Morgan) would still try and get in every camera shot he possibly could and Simon Cowell would still be there for everyone to make snide comments about. The event wouldn't be opened by a Dance group called Diversity, but instead a Dance group called Intolerance.

The idea would not to give them awards and hailing them a 'Hero' of our time, but would instead be given an envelope. Within the envelope, would be their jail sentence written on a piece of card. The card wouldn't be given to them by celebrities, and would instead be 'given' to them by footballers. Maybe not 'given', more tied around footballs and the footballers kick the ball in their face.

Now these people have done bad things, I'm not going to ask footballers to kick balls as hard as they can in the faces of normal people. People who have stolen handbags from old ladies, murders of single mums and hit and run drivers are smacked in the face with a ball inviting them to do N number of years inside a prison at Her Majesties Pleasure. These people are locked in cages at the side of the stage and are not allowed to look at the celebrities otherwise they get tasered in the eyes. Cruel, I know.
There would still be tears, so if you want a good cry, you could still watch this show. However, you wouldn't be crying with happiness and pride, but instead disgust and because you’ll find the tales repulsive, even if you have only got a small amount of morals. The good outcome of this idea would be that the criminals would be punished, and crime wouldn't be glamorised, and only the criminal minds who want a peak of Carol Vordermen's cleavage would commit crimes. Or at least that's what the idea is anyway.

This version would also make all the people who have done remarkable things, like rescuing families from over turned cars, campaigning for Cancer charities and being constantly selfless, look even better and make them more inspirational to people to be nicer and live in a world of harmony, or we can at least hope. Anyway, that's enough on the Shame Of Britain Awards, and now onto something much more positive, The Pride Of Britain Awards.

In a time where everyone is down and depressed, these kind of inspirational stories are heart-warming that people can actually be nice; someone doing the selfless act of running across a Motorway to save a family from their crashed car and a young boy who since getting extreme Leukaemia, has become very confident and is now a main campaigner for Great Ormonds Street Hospital. It's these kinds of stories that make you forget the bad, and hammer in the good points of humanity. Selfless teenagers are quite common also, which is surprising because from what the Media has told us, all teenagers are drunk and drugged up, and if they're female - pregnant.

Being my cynical self, I always think up negative points, and I like to play a game called 'Spot The Irony'. Naomi Cambell giving an ex-convict an award for turning his life around? Surely not! A bit of favouritism for Cheryl Cole aswell from the producers -not only did she give an award to someone with some of the other Girls Aloud members, but she also gave another award with the X-Factor entourage - I think she's after Vorderman's job.

Now I'm off too contact some TV Executives, and hope no-one has taken any offence to anything.

P.S. How can Gordon Brown still look like such a mug when he gives the inventor of the MRI machine an award?

P.P.S. Blog special coming soon.

Am I Watching Britain's Got Talent or X-Factor?

Okay, that's not exactly a unique observation, a lot of people have commented on how the new format is the same as Britain's Got Talent - even Cowell himself. Anyway, the auditions have come to an end and honest, I don't think the new format is any better or worse. It's just a way of increasing the embarrassment levels for the damn right awful and increasing the confidence of the spectacular, and I suppose that's a good think really, in a kind of twisted way.

There is one major difference between the new format of X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent, and that is the lack of a buzzer and a giant X above the stage. However, to compensate for the loud, annoying, buzzer sound, the X-Factor does allow Dannii Minogue to talk, so they're about equal on the annoying sounds. Another difference between the two is the lack of an Ant and a Dec, as well as not having a twat (Piers Morgan), sitting on the end making silly jokes - Louie Walsh is there for that job.

This is nothing new, and infact, apart from having a few thousand people sitting behind the judges clapping like children’s wind-up toys in the audtions, it's exactly the same. As usual, you can tell right from the beginning of the clip, whether the contestant is going to be fantastic or utterly rubbish. If there is a sob story just before then they'll be great. A tale of someone coping with autism is one and another is losing his job. Also, the background music has become synonymous with the contestants talent ability. If something like the Steptoe & Sons theme tune is played, you instinctively think rubbish. Should something cheery and soft come on you think they'll be great. There aren’t really any surprises in the X-Factor, or indeed any 'reality' show on the goggle box.

The new format does allow the contestant to sing to backing music, as opposed to standing awkwardly in a quiet room like they used to. Having the music to sing to is great for the people with talent, and just enhances how good they sound. However, as always you have the talentless contestants who also sing with music, and it just makes them sound even worse. It makes it easier to tell that they're not in beat, as well as just making their voice sound like someone pleasuring themselves with a hedgehog (not a nice image there - sorry).
In the old format, when you get the final 10, friends and family all started wearing T-shirts with the name and photo of their loved one (basically just a notice board which walks around and cheers) to show support. Now however, almost every contestant comes with an entourage of people wearing white T-shirts with their face on, and you do feel sorry for all those people wasting money to get the T-shirts made and they don't even get through to the next round because the contestant was bloody awful.

I am still amazed by the amount of awfully deluded people that go on the show believing that they really do have 'The X-Factor'. Yet now it's not quite so fun watching them for two reasons. Firstly, because you do (or I did at least), have a great deal of sympathy for that person on stage in front of thousands of people singing badly and just being humiliated. Secondly, people don't retaliate half as much as they used to. Maybe it's because of the great depression caused by Credit Crunch and worrying how to pay the bill for the T-shirts or maybe just because they have an audience. Either way, it's a shame because I really did enjoy watching people shout at Simon.
One great thing about angry contestants is that they all say the same comment ‘I'd like to see Simon go up on stage and sing'. Since when has Simon said he can sing? I don't think he'd ever dispute that he couldn't do it, but he's famous for being reasonably good at producing and judging good talent -that's his job. The mind of a deluded person seems very interesting.

Another thing with contestants, particularly the elderly female ones, is that they are incredibly horny! As are Simon and Louie. It's just a very odd experience to sit and watch a 78 year old women telling Simon she'd like him to be her Toy-Boy, or telling Louie how they admire him for reasons I can't quite comprehend. Then you get the young women who seem to flirt with Cheryl, telling her how they admire her so much and want to be just like her. Sweet, but again slightly odd, but who does Dannii get to flirt with? No-one, bless her.

It does seem whenever Cheryl talks to a fellow scouse person, they begin to sound like they're talking in their own language, and then she uses it as an excuse to get on stage and give them hug. Infact, Cheryl seems to use any excuse to get on stage and hug contestants. As soon as someone begins to cry, she'll jump up and rush onto the stage to save the contestant from the nasty wasty comments.
Nasty comments, aren't really nasty comments though, I think they call it the truth in some social circles. Simon Cowell is famed for being a big, nasty man who wants to crush everyone's dreams, when really he's saying what everyone else is thinking, and because the people can't accept it, it's interpreted into nastiness.

With Louie sitting in place of where Mr Twat would sit on the judging panel of Britain's Got Talent, it does seem Louie has started using some of Morgan's habits. One for example is the bad puns used to say yes or no. To say yes to someone who has just sung a Girls Aloud song, he'll say 'I'll stand by you, it's a yes from me' or to say no to someone who has just sung a Michael Jackson song (as an awful tribute), he'll tell them to 'Beat it'. Just awful.

One last point I have before I'll have to end this long blog, is the Juxtaposition between Simon and Cheryl who usually sit next to each other. Cheryl makes an effort to wear something different and lavish everyday to look 'stunning'. Yet Simon sits wearing the same thing, just alternating the colour of the t-shirt; Jeans and a white or grey t-shirt. Surely he can afford to wear something a bit different, but that's not important, it's a talent show, not a fashion show, so not sure why I felt the need to mention it. Nether-the-less, I did!

The end has come and I think I should tell you not to get too excited at what I'm about to tell you. Susan Boyle is releasing an album in November. I expect every person reading this has just let out an involuntary cheer and is now so exited they've rushed onto Play.com to pre-order the CD (hint of sarcasm there?), so I'll end.

Toodles M’dearys
xXXx

P.S. Don't forget Sunday my blog appearance will change and a new blog will be posted, to mark the one year anniversary of me updating my blog, so that's something for you to look forward to.

My TV Hell Has Come True Twice Now

In my idea of hell, there would be Jordan and Piers Morgan being played constantly on giant televisions everywhere. A few months ago on Piers Morgan's chat show, that came true, and they spoke to each other for an hour, talking about things I didn't care about (and in fact never watched because I never cared) but gave everyone the perfect reason to blow up their televisions. And last night, it came true again. Piers Morgan got two chairs and put them in Jordan's house, as well as a giant film crew to record another interview with Jordan, or Katie Price as she likes to be called, to talk about her extremely biased view of her break-up with Peter Andre.

The show started with an extract from their previous interview, of her saying hypocritically, that she was still in love Peter and would be together forever. Piers Morgan was quick to point this out in the interview and kept mentioning it to Katie. He kept doing a voice over in a stern; cuntish (is that a word? Well it is now) voice, where he summed up what the page 3 stripper had said in a language only a twat could fully understand. He even mentioned how she was hogging the headlines in the newspapers.

So, we go to a short ad break and come back to the 'Interview of the Year' and we get told all about the picture which apparently caused Pete to divorce Katie. It wasn't her fault at all apparently. I don't know who divorced who, and in fact I don't particularly care, but this was going to be a very biased interview from the start. We were only going to get one side of this argument. We have been told time and time again that Pete was the bastard in this story, and that Katie was the princess in this story. Piers even said that he had sympathy for Pete, even he could tell that this was actually her fault a bit.

We went back to Katie being a stupid hypocrite. One minute she hated Pete, the next she loved him. One minute she was saying she wanted privacy, which considering she is doing a TV interview about her private life, is extremely hard to believe. One minute she was saying she had left her Jordan life style behind her and wanted to be called Katie Price, just before she said that there will always be a bit of Jordan in her - she can't resist taking her clothes off when she was drunk. Okay, so half way through, and it seems we are talking to someone with a split personality. Just before going to a second break, we are left with her saying, in stronger language, that she didn't care what Pete thought, ringing in our ears.

Part three now, and we get onto the discussion about their latest reality show, with them in America, and Piers, with his eagle eyes, spots that they kept arguing, and asks why. Because they were with each other constantly and never had any private time apart apparently. Then an emotional, sympathetic bombshell is dropped on the Interview, where she calmly announced she was pregnant and the baby died, just before she cried, for about 10 seconds and goes back to calmly discussing it all, and saying again how much of a twat Pete was before crying again and saying that Pete dumped her just after the baby died. Then we get told about how she found out the baby had died, and continues to try and cry through her Botox. She then tells the story about how she triumphantly runs the London Marathon days after the miscarriage and bled the way through. Lovely image there.

She could have very easily have kept that to herself, there was absolutely no need to announce that to the world, so when she says that she didn't say that for the sympathy, it's very hard to believe. As you can tell, by the end of part three, I have grown absolutely no sympathy for her, and if anything have increased my dislike of her. She did however say that this Interview with Piers would be the only one she does on the subject of her divorce, so we can at least find solace in the fact that we haven't got to keep reading interviews with her, saying how hard life has been for the single parent with millions in the bank and giant boobs. But then who believes anything she says? I sure don't.

Welcome to part 4 and we are shown a few clips of Katie wearing hardly anything and showing off her 'assets'. To which Piers Morgan calls her a slapper. Now, this nearly made me walk out in the garden and hit myself over the head with a shovel again and again and again until I either died or luckily lost all my memory, because I have just agreed with something that Piers Morgan has said. I didn't however and I stayed to watch this interview.

Katie then goes on to state the obvious by saying 'I have a chest'. May have taken her over 10 years to work that out. She then flashed them at Piers Morgan. To which he said about a minute later 'Is there a chance of a new man in your life', and if you look, at this point his hands have actually moved to his private area, to which I think we all know was to cover an erection. He may be a twat, but he is still a man, and there aren't many straight men that wouldn't get a little excited at them being shoved in your face. So Katie then announces that she is now on the market, and thus this interview is finally ended.

My opinion is that they did break up for publicity reasons, but then I also believe they got married for publicity reasons, and I also believe they had children for the publicity as well as when they have an argument, it's for publicity. And there you go, my opinion is that their whole relationship was publicity based, and that they only broke up because ITV 2 wouldn't renew their contract for another series.

Anyway, to make up for this hour of hell, which was watched by 4.5 million other people, I watched Sean Lock Live on channel four, so it was evened out lovely.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Yes, Another Pompous Review

IT'S NOW OVER! I promise this will be my last blog about Britain's Got Talent, well until next year anyway. You may have noticed that this past week, everywhere has been mainly about Britain's Got Talent - even if you went on holiday, you wouldn't get away from it because the world is addicted apparently. Twitter is swamped by comments about it, Facebook is full of supporters creating fan group, and the newspapers are loving it, as well as the news programs which directly follow it and tell us what happened all over again.

Let's just quickly run through the acts that made it into the final. Flawless, a dance group, which were very similar to Diversity in the fact both groups were made of dancers from different minorities. There was Aidan Davis, who was also a dancer, who was compared to being the next Justin Timberlake, and he was good. Also there was another dance duo, called Stavros Flatley who were a Greek father and son group, who do Irish dancing. I say Irish dancing, all they seemed to do was prance around the stage with their tops off - their influence looked to be Omid Djalili. So, that's 4 dance acts.
We had Shaheen Jafargholi, which isn't just a load of letters stuck together, it is actually his name, and for some reason my spell checker doesn't like it. Anyway, he was a young singing boy, who sung some songs. We had 2 Grand, who are a Grandfather/Granddaughter singing act, who sung together quite well, seeming to favour the more operatic songs. As did Hollie Steel, the blabber mouth as The Sun called her Saturday, who cried in the Semi-Finals because she got nervous. It's not her fault. She didn't want to sing, and when her mother pushed her on stage in that ballerina costume, it really hurt. Shaun Smith was singer too, and indeed, my favourite singer of the lot as he was singing my kind of songs. We also had Susan Boyle, who we all know as that Scottish thing. Her dress for the final made her look like a mermaid - who had eaten all the fish in the ocean. So that's 5 singing acts.
The last act was Julian Smith, who seems to only know how to play two songs, but managed to bluff his way to the final. He was a rather good saxophone player, and was the only saxophone player in the finals. However, in the semi-finals there was a bloke who could make the sound of a saxophone for the sake of it, but he didn't make it to the final surprisingly.
So going by those statistics, that means the world now thinks that 40% of us can dance, 50% sing and the other 10% all go around playing the saxophone. Not exactly a huge range of talent we seem to have here by the looks of it. One thing I noticed is that I don't remember seeing one comedian this year, which means we're all serious twerps as well. None of us can act either because no actors got into the semi finals. There were no painters, meaning we must all live dull lives. There were no writers, which is a talent, all be it a rather dull one to watch. There was a group of knitters, but they weren't entertaining enough and resulting in them being booed off. Britain has more talent to offer than singers, dancers and a saxophone player - surely.

I must say though, that I am rather proud of you lot. Julian Smith, the saxophone player came third. Susan Boyle, the new Jade Goody as far as I'm concerned came second and Diversity, the dance act who I was supporting to win, actually won - I picked a winner. You didn't listen to The Sun tell 'subtly' tell you to vote for Susan Boyle because she was the best (which she wasn't), you actually grew a backbone and voted for the talent in the competition - Diversity.
Although now, it seems we must have slipped into a parallel universe, because this was bad, according to Piers Morgan's posy, which is more commonly known as 'The Media'. The headlines have included things such as 'Britain's Got Talent Upset'. Yes, it seems that the public went mad, and voted for the wrong person last night - how could Diversity possibly win. Potato face was obviously the best act... The media are not happy today. It's almost as bad as Diana dying. You see the media are always right. Either they predicted something right and boast about it, or they were right, and everyone else was wrong. At the moment, it's the latter.
This is all despite the fact that we have found out that Susan Boyle is set to make over £8millon through her Internet success, so unfortunately, this isn't the last we have heard of her, and there is some more mileage for the media to push her through. I'm expecting Diversity to perform in front of the Queen, and unless Prince Charles makes a racist remake towards them, be forgotten about and cast to metaphorical waste bin of reality TV, were David Van Day, Jade Goody and Michael Barrymore now rest, because they have been overshadowed by a huge Boyle.

But despite all that, let me say once again to you - the general public; Thank-you for not giving Susan Boyle a majority of the votes on the Britain's Got Talent final. Don't get used to it though, it won't be long before you all do something stupid and I have to write another blog calling you all idiots, yet again.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

The Past Seven Weeks Have Just Flown By...

I know I've already done a Britain's Got Talent blog, but another is deserved, because every time Piers Morgan came on the screen and said some crap, I just had 'Twat' pop up in bright, red, flashing lights - and for the record, I believe that Mr Methane (the farting guy) taught Piers Morgan to talk out of his arse...

I am intrigued as to what happened to Ant & Dec last night, because they didn’t seem to be on top form – well Ant wasn’t. He’s look for the evening seemed to be a bowling pin, with freshly painted black hair. His features also seem to be slipping further down his face. Dec seemed to be carrying him really, as well as the show, and it’s not a usual thing for me not to say positive things about Ant & Dec.

Something else which is annoying me is the amount of singing on Britain's Got Talent, and that is including Susan Boyle, because that's what 'The X Factor' is for, for British singing talent. Britain's Got Talent should be used as a way to celebrate the 'Diversity' (See what I done there...) of talent that we have here in Britain, from dancing groups, to violin players, to complete and utter freaks, with unusually large earlobes. I shall comment on the acts from the first of the semi finals, with my cynical view.

So, Diversity were the opening act for the Semi-Finals, and I must say, the best act of the night, and luckily they got through, and it must be the first time I agreed with Piers Morgan on something, but I'll try not to make it a regular occurrence, otherwise I may have to shoot myself with a gun loaded with shame. I like these street dance acts; I think they are really clever, because I could never do that, and at the end of their performance, with them incorporating people picking up the phone and voting for them in their act, was pretty darn clever choreography.

We had Natalie, a 10 year old (I think) who had quite a mature voice for someone her age, and she was good. The one thing I don't like about all these child singing acts is the fact they are children, and I'm against them being shoved in front of the camera by their parents and forced to sing to an audience otherwise they don't get their meal served on their favourite plate. I believe that if they are good when they are young, they will be excellent when they are older, so why can't they wait until they're sixteen and shove them on X-Factor. Luckily, she didn't get through - however she did cry live on telly, but not to worry, it was past her bed time.

We then had time for some surreal 'dancing', with Darth Jackson coming onto the stage, with a trademark white glove. It was a piece of very basic choreographed danced, with it really only involving him and some other people in costume moving across the stage. We also had SueSon, who was a violin player. Nothing out of the ordinary, she wasn't playing whilst eating fire, or playing with a venomous snake, she was just playing a violin - something rather a lot of people can do these days - so nothing that special. After her performance though, Simon Cowell said ''I'd sacrifice friendship over success any day", which I think is a good quote, which sums him up really and that is the reason for his success – no friends.

For Britain's Got Imported Talent - The Belly Dancer impressed the two guys with her assets, but Amanda buzzed not because she was jealous of her body, but because she was concerned about the Queen not appreciating Charles and her boys slobbering over the sight of her. I'm assuming she wasn't talking about Prince Andrew though... All I can say is that I'm glad there was a desk in front of Simon and Piers.

For some comic relief, in the form of the village people and another dance act, we had 'Faces of Dance', in which they put on faces of famous people, while dancing - this time to 'In The Navy'. First we had the pleasure of seeing Obama and Gordon dancing, summing up Britain and America's relationship, which was then strangely followed by The Queen and Prince Phillip dancing along. Next up was Ant and Dec, in which the camera turned to the real ones laughing, and then onwards to the faces of Jordan and Peter for some satirical dancing as I liked to call it. Last we had Simon and... Well Simon, and another Simon, and another and another, and in fact the stage then became infested with Simon Cowell's, dancing with their tops off.
The reactions from the judges involved Piers being less smug, because he wasn't included and made 'jokes' showing his jealousy, then Amanda who was dribbling more than what the other two did around the belly dancer, and making many sexual innuendo's because they had a six pack. Then Simon Cowell was just very big faced... Literally.

We also had a guy called Mick Hell and his fiancée, who’s chosen backing music was Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love, which I think perfectly described their relationship. He was basically a guy who stuck a drill up his nose, held an axe between his legs using his ear lobes, and took a chainsaw to his fiancée who was yielding a cucumber. I can only assume he was trying to kill her so he didn't have to marry the women who looked like she had been sacked from being Santa's Lil Helper because she kept putting drugs in the toy trains. In an attempt to be funny though, Mr Twat said 'Can you use the chainsaw on Simon', but luckily the audience didn't laugh, so he was quickly put in his place.

The final act was Susan Boyle, who did get through to the finals because of YOU, the British public, doing exactly what the media told you to do – yet again. You all voted for her because the media keep shoving her in your faces so much you've actually grown to 'like' her and feel sympathy for the confident bitch. The media attention she's got from both sides of the Atlantic is pathetic, but now she has too much confidence. Personally I think her and Piers should run off together because they are obviously perfectly suited, and he resorted to claiming that she was the saviour of the world, spreading hope to 58 million computer screens. Twat.
Anyway, within the first 5 seconds she went off key twice, but I must say she made a good recovery, but she was still a disappointment. And she does look terrible. If you thought Paul Potts was bad, you haven't seen anything. I would describe her look as a potato with the roots as hair and two slugs for eyebrows. At one point, the camera angle made it look like she had light shinning out of her arse... Or was it her face... It is so hard to tell. And when Ant & Dec announced she was the winner, she done the chicken dance across the stage and continuously thrust her hips at Piers. Not a pretty sight.

I really do not like Piers Morgan, and as you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a fan of Susan Boyle. I believe she is my replacement for Jade Goody. She has made it big just because she has a big mouth and because she was on a reality show, which she is more than likely going to win - unfortunately. I look forward to a future where my blogs will be less about dead reality TV stars, and more about reality stars which take form as a potato.

But Declan Donnelly promised us another semi tomorrow night. The dirty boy.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Surely If Britain Had Talent, We Would Have Found It By Now

In my opinion, I hate to love Britain's Got Talent because it annoys me with some of the people that get through with a lack of talent, but I love to laugh at the stupidity of these people who think they have talent and Ant and Dec mocking them and trying not to laugh.

My definition of talent is being able to do something remarkable which not a lot of people can do. An example is acting, however any moron can act on the West End as long as they've been on reality telly, which means the people that do go to university who can act incredibly well, are shunned for the more known names. Singing is another example, but then anyone can record a CD and sell it, as long as they have access to some form of recording equipment and can 'mix some tunes', meaning people who can play multiple instruments and sing rather well, are in the shadow of these 'bad boys from Peckham'.

Talent on series 3 of Britain's Got Talent has included people skipping, whistling, farting with their hands, playing a tune through their nose, a so-called 'living saxophone', knitting and many more things that wouldn't even be worthy of a travelling freak show, or maybe that is what Britain's Got Talent has become... If they are considered talents, then I should go and join the travelling freak show too, because I can wiggle both my nose and ears - AT THE SAME TIME! It's a good party trick to show to a bunch of drunken people, that's all I'm saying.

As if an hour a week, for 6 weeks a year isn't enough, you can watch Britain's Got More Talent straight after on ITV 2 for another hour of 'talent' hosted by magician and pantomime star - Stephen Mulhern. For the Piers Morgan fans, should any exist, he does a lot more talking and general twatishness where he thinks he is hilarious and 'bloody brilliant'. A Good quote from Charlie Brooker this week’s referred to him as 'ShitSlug O' Ballbags', it bears no importance to this blog, but I just liked to mention it. Anyway, you could say that the ITV 2 counterpart acts more as a behind-the-scenes special, in where I sit and weep for the humanity, whether it is through Swine Flu or lack of culture in their brains.

The media have been constantly focused on the Susan Boyle from Bonny Scotland the last few weeks, and it has been mainly focused on her looks and the fact she hasn't been kissed. She got her hair done, and the media are there to take pictures of her new make-over. The media have even gone down every avenue to try and prove that she has been kissed, so it was their day when someone came along with footage of her being snogged by Michael Barrymore - one of my childhood heroes. Susan Boyle is considered the ugliest surprise since Paul Potts.

Speaking of Paul Potts, where is he now? He done the royal variety two years ago, got his teeth done and released a number one selling album and hasn't been seen since. Maybe he's gone back to working at Carphone Warehouse. And as for George Samson, where is he now? He done the royal variety show a year ago, released a dance DVD and is now probably working in McDonalds after school. It seems for a short lived career, Britain's Got Talent is the show for you, and if you make Amanda Holden tingle, you're going to win apparently.

Personally, I think that Britain's Got Talent is the metaphorical equivalent to Marmite; you either love it, or hate or in my case, hate to love it. It's disastrously awful, and yet it's the most popular show on Telly at the moment, and I try not to miss a single episode. I'm one of these people who gets sucked into liking any of Simon Cowell shows, X-Factor is another example, although I wasn't really addicted to the last series, like I have to previous ones.

Everyone has their own opinion, but that's my opinion of the polished turd...
So, Toodles M'dearys
xXXx

P.S. Here is a video of eScala, an electric string quartet who were on last it last year, who got into the final, who I thought should have won. Nether-the-less, they have an album coming out in May/June and here is a song I quite like...

Maybe I Should Say Hello and Introduce Myself Finally... Part One

Well, If you haven’t worked out by now, I am Stuart and if you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit of a cynical cunt, to put it politely anyway, and I find a lot to rant and moan about in today’s society and the general public in general. If I was Prime minister, I would do things differently, that is for sure.

One thing I do not like about society is the Media, which is hypocritical really, considering that I would quite like to have a career in the media – as a journalist maybe. The way they turn and twist things around, so they make people look a hell of a lot worse than they do already is an example. Another example is how they document the lives of people, who have no reason to be famous. A name that comes to mind is Jade Goody. Her talent is being a bitch and a chav, although now she’s shaken off the negative image and now the papers all feel sorry for her.

At this point, I could turn around and say that I’m going to go in the media career and completely change it into a respectable career to be associated with – but I won’t. If I even do get into journalism, the chances of me having an impact in anything other than what order to put words in, is very unlikely.

There are two avenues I feel you can go down in journalism. You either go down the Piers Morgan route and become hated widespread over the UK and in the USA, and yet be one of the highest paid ‘personalities’ and have a major impact in pretty much everything in the media.
The other route is go down being lesser known, and yet being respected. Well I say respected, I mean popular, but anyway – the Charlie Brooker route. He’s a cynical cunt and I like that. He is rather popular and has a ‘high-brow’ show on BBC 4, as well as writing columns for numerous national papers, and still having time to update his Twitter. I believe, given the choice, I would pick route B, Charlie Brooker.

So that’s my hypocritical career planned.
Next is onto planning my lonely hearts advert...
I’ll type again tomorrow. XX