Moving, Just Keep Moving...

Two months ago we had a flat which overlooked the Thames, in one of the busiest cities in the World. Now, I'm in Hythe with a distant view of the sea, and in one of the most old fashioned towns in the country. The shops still all shut on a Sunday, and the only danger is being run over by a blind old lady pushing a shopping trolley.

We've now been in our quaint little flat for nearly three weeks, but there was a point when I thought we would never find somewhere to live. In London, we were lucky and the flat we lived in was the first flat we liked and saw. Down here, we saw four, but liked many more. The 'experience' was full of disappointment, as well as meeting many letting agents who were Satan's children, and a couple who were lovely. It took six weeks, but we finally got a place we could live.

But then the next issue was that we had no furniture. Thus, too much money was spent. And then, too much time was spent by me putting it all together. I was in flat pack hell. I like putting things together more than most, but that was just a week-long binge of different shades of oak. However, by some divine intervention, not a thing was broken and nothing was missing. Even if I made a few silly mistakes...

And we had spent a week laying on a multitude of beds, in a variety of shops, watched by an array of shop assistants, who seemed to always have one hand on my wallet. The whole time, you sound like a spoilt Goldilocks going "This bed's very soft… Oh, this one is far too hard for my liking… This is just right… HOW MUCH?" Then, when you finally settle on a bed you can live with, which is only a little above your budget, you're told it's a month's wait. At which point, I would thank the man for his time, and walk out.

In the end, we gave up and brought a bed from Argos which we couldn't try on for size, just for the sheer convenience of not having to lay awkwardly on beds in public view. And you know what? It was the best decision possible, and it was cheaper. And it was the exact same process for our sofa too. You know what children? Internet shopping is the future.

The problem then though, is that you have to sit by the window for a week, waiting for the two minutes when the delivery man comes, dumps a load of cardboard by the front door, and leaves you carry a box containing an unassembled dining table and four chairs, indoors all by yourself. Two weeks on and my big toe is still bruised. And once everything was assembled, we were left with a mountain of boxes in the hallway. Stepping on the wrong floorboard could easily result in an avalanche.

Thankfully, we have a small garden we can retreat too. Well, I had to spend two days chopping my way through brambles and other weeds, and being covered in scratches so deep one could be forgiven for thinking I had started a new job as a lion tamer, and was awful at it.

Speaking of which, I am still unemployed. If one forgets the fact I'm spending money, when I have none coming in, I'm a little bit thankful for that. Imagine the stress of starting a new job amongst all of that? The dining table would probably still be on the doorstep, brambles would be smashing their way through the windows, and we'd be sleeping on cardboard boxes.

However, now that's all done, I need to need to get a job so I don't become too attached to our brilliant YouView box, and don't put too much of a dent in our sofa. I've never had Sky channels before, and I'm still not over the novelty of Simpson episodes that aren't at least 10 years old; I watched one from 2013 yesterday! This truly a beautiful time to be alive.

I have learnt over the past few months, that unemployment doesn't mean you have to sit watching people who have been subjected to bad dentistry, shout at each other on Jeremy Kyle. I have done something every day. Today is the first for a good few weeks where I've actually had the time to write a blog post. I can't remember the last time I even took a photograph. It's not only because I've been busy making this flat a home, but because I'm using the time to help those closest to me. Partly to be a decent human being, but also in a bid to fight off boredom.

I'm about to make an observation which is enlightening, positive and a cliché, for which I apologise for. Normal misanthropy will resume shortly, I'm sure… But life is what you make it. If you've sat in your bedroom who two years solely playing video games, then you must have the mental capacity of a peanut. Getting a job isn't as easy as most people think it is, but it doesn't mean you have to do nothing. Put some clothes on, stop hibernating and go and do something in the big, beautiful world. Not having a job doesn't mean you don't have a life. You're a disgrace to humanity; and peanuts.

P.S. A Misathrope's Guide to Folkestone and Hythe... Is that to be the sequel of A Misathrope's Guide to London?

Katie: 'What's Your' Price?

I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...

She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.

Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.

The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).

In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.

Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.

This is going to be a fun week...

After Watching Six Weeks Of Day Time Telly, I Like The Idea Of Suicide...

Welcome back blog readers, and just to reiterate, I'm not contemplating suicide, and if I was, I'm not so shallow that the cause of it would be watching Television. Anyway, there are two reasons for me separating this blog into two parts. A) because of the length; I don't like posting blogs that are so long that no-one is going to bother to read them, so posting it as two blogs give me more versatility to its length. And B) I'm going to mention Thomas the Tank Engine in this blog, and it didn't feel right talking about Sex and Kids TV in the same blog - however, it would have been a nice Juxtaposition.

Compared to night time television, watching television is just as dull. Also, in my title, I've lied again. Not only do I not like the idea of suicide, but I've actually not watched a great deal of television during the day time. Anyway, my current addiction on television during the day is Thomas the Tank Engine on Five. Because it's on early in the morning (about 8:30, which is when I'm still sleeping), I record it, and watch it at some point during the day. It was once my favourite show on Television as a child, and seeing it brought back to life certainly made me laugh when I watched the new stuff for the first time. For example, the theme tune I absolutely hate (however, you can (and I do) sing along to the new one), the original was far much better in my opinion, but then maybe that is because it was the version I was first exposed to, plus the original brings back so many memories.
However, because of new animation technologies, the quality of the show itself now is far better, with the mouths and people actually moving and the Fat Controller (There's also a Thin Controller as well) actually looking more alive, thanks to CGI, compared to his look in the original series which was a novelty salt dispenser. After 321 stories, you'd expect the show to have derailed (see what I done there), but the story lines entertain me just as well as they used to when I was 3 years old. I have a huge collection of Thomas toys from my childhood, kept in a cupboard and I was once a member of the Thomas the Tank Engine fan club, and I suppose I still am, because I've cancelled my membership. I love it, and I'm not ashamed of it!

Anyway, from something I love to something I loathe - The Jeremy Kyle Show. Jeremy, the messiah to the unemployed and host to the stereotypical Pickey families, is possibly one of the worst Television personalities currently on TV; just behind Piers Morgan and Kerry Katona, but just ahead of the Loose Women hags, which I'll get onto soon. He doesn't try and calm down arguments between families and lovers at all, or in any way help, he just gets involved with the ranting himself and ignites it so the audience can get involved which leads to the woman in the tracksuit (yet she only runs when she hears an Ice Cream Van) sobs, so Jeremy can then shout at her cheating boyfriend saying it's his fault, when it's Jeremy shouting in her face, telling her that she shouldn't let him walk all over her.
I will be honest, I watched an episode of the show yesterday, but so I can get material to write about, as I'm not really a big viewer of the show. He seems to have an anger issue as one minute he can be talking calmly to one of his targets, understanding the situation, where the whole time, in his mind he judges them, and then cracks and shouts at them telling them that they need to sort their life out, to which the audience, who he has herded in from the park opposite a Chip Shop, who all clap and boo like a pantomime audience who are high on caffeine from Cherry flavoured coke, thinking it was one of their 5-a-day. The show is essentially everything I hate about Britain and people in general.

Now onto Loose Women, which is a show I couldn't bring myself to watch because they just irritate me because the show is just a live feed of a gathering of middle-aged harpies, sitting around a table gossiping about their husbands and occasionally attempting to have a political conversation about something none of the audience know about and they themselves are trying to attempt to understand. They get one other person, whether they be male or female, to sit in the middle of the 5 caldron stirrers, to plug their new book or TV show and attempt to fit in with their biased views on relationships and celebrities. If these 5 women were alive many centuries ago, they would be considered to be witches and it wouldn't be called a 'TV Show', it would be considered to be coven (a gathering of witches).

Guilty pleasures of mine are these auction programs which are on during the afternoon. A favourite of mine is Dickenson's Real Deal, and I seem to be convinced I know more about the worth of these ancient artefacts and their worth than the experts on the show. When a woman brings a tea set and tells the expert that it has been in her family for over 4 generations and I sit their coming up with a price in my head, and I yell at the television when the expert announces it's worth less than my estimate. Obviously, they're right and I'm usually wrong, but I am still convinced I know more than them.
I quite liked a bit I saw the other day where a man brings on a portrait of a women, and the expert says 'This doesn't really float my boat', and I felt compelled to shout 'Of course it wouldn't, it's a framed piece of canvas, not liquid!' It's all part of my new sarcastic/literal sense of humour, where I take everything serious. It will annoy everyone soon, but anyway, this is my guilty pleasure of the daytime television schedule.

Something else, which can be watched during the night, and during the day, are these dating channels, which are quite funny to sit and watch, and are great for someone with low self esteem to watch, to build it up. I sit and watch it, only for a few minutes, and I read the comments which are posted on the channel, which are people constantly attempting to be vaguely humorous to get a reply to their dating ad. It's just the most pathetic thing to sit and read, but it makes me feel much better about my love situation, however non-existent it is. And it's called 'Rabbit', which in a subconscious way, implies that they'll get a date and have 20 children with them. There's even a channel called 'Gay Rabbit' which does the same thing, but for gay people, but I'm not going to go into the implications of that name...

Now onto the best news for the television schedule this year. Big Brother has now finally finished for this year. Apparently, a woman called Sophie won, and she has very nice assets from pictures I've seen, but it's quite obvious, one of her assets isn't her brains and wit. Either way, I don't care, because it's over and means that television isn't scheduled around live footage of people sleeping and sitting around bitching about everyone else behind their back. That therefore means that Scrubs will now be added to the daily schedule on E4 like it was before, so that's something to look forward to and watch again.

On that happy note, I shall end...
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Another Bloody Blog About Love... When Will He Give Up?

I can be considered to be more an observer of love, than a participant as over the past year I have watched many relationships fail and succeed while I just sit in an unlit corner watching and concluding my own opinions of relationships. Yes, I'm only seventeen, so I'm not exactly expected to be thinking about settling down with the one my heart desires and be planning how many children we'll have, what pets we'll get and the colour scheme for our first house, however I do feel a great expectation to not be single and start having a long term relationship. But with who?

Well, that is the question, but suggestions are welcomed. I've now been single for a year (roughly... Not that I've been counting...), and the single life is starting to get rather depressing. I recon I am becoming slightly bipolar. One day I'll be happy, cheery Stuy, making more euphemisms than you can shake your... Well you get the idea. The next day I'll be quiet and just generally depressed, usually when around friends who are in a relationship, or other friends who are also depressed about being single. But we are only in our late teens, we should be out enjoying ourselves, not being depressed because we've gone yet another day without a kiss and a hug from our one true love. Like I have said, there is an expectation for everyone to be in love. But what is the meaning love?

Well Dictionary.com describes it as "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person" which I think is a lovely way of describing it. I'm not exactly an expert in love, having only had three relationships, which I wouldn't exactly describe as successful. But a lot of people of my age confuse love for 'fancying' or 'crushing' someone, or what I like to call - Disposable love. I've written a blog about this before, and it's where the relationship lasts a few weeks, but no real upset is felt when the brake up has happened, and even I know that's not love. Love is supposed to last a lifetime, apparently.

Love can't be forced upon a person either. You can't be told who to love, and who not to love as it's a personal emotion, and those feelings can only be created by yourself, not other people trying to set you up with someone else. That's why I hate the idea of dating websites, who find who they believe to be the best match for you, or blind dates set up by friends who are in relationships and feel sympathy for the sad, lonely and depressed.

Love is rather a funny thing to watch though, and I think everyone is guilty of this at some point in their lives. We pretend not to like a person which you actually do, and spend every waking hour thinking of. You convince other friends that you don't have strong emotions for that person by pretending you think they're ugly. Also convincing ourselves we don't like a person. This can come in the form of avoiding them at all costs or referring to them as a family member, so the idea of even kissing them becomes incest. As I've gotten older, I've thankfully stopped doing this, but it's rather funny to watch.

Then should we admit to ourselves and friends that we have these strong feelings about someone, we refuse to tell the actual person. You could quite easy walk over to the person, tap them on the shoulder and confess your love to them, but as human beings, we seem to find this embarrassing, so we admire from afar. Looking at them out the corner of our eye when they aren't looking is a favourite amongst most, as well as just looking through images of them on Facebook and wishing to ourselves that they were ours. However, I currently don't have feelings for anyone, although I wish I did, so I don't face this problem myself at the moment.

Something that has always troubled me though, is why people come to me for relationship advice, when like I have already said, I'm not exactly a connoisseur of love. I like the idea that people feel they can come to me for help, and trust me to give them good advice, but for relationship advice, I would go to someone else, anyone else really. However, my years of being single have paid off, as I have learnt to tell the signs of people fancying others, which include the ones above. Something which I've never understood though is that if a man acts like a bastard to a woman, they clearly like them apparently. I like to think of myself as a nice person, and being a bastard isn't one of my traits. So what does that mean for me? Well, I have no idea. When I fancy someone, I end up talking to them more, which also isn't a typical sign of attraction. A typical sign of attraction would be going all red if the person even looked in their direction, let along talk to them.

I am fed up of being single now, although I'm not sure how to change that. All the girls I know, I consider to be friends, and dating friends doesn't usually go right if Scrubs, Friends and personal experiences are anything to go by. I'm not really meeting new people either at the moment. Seeing as I don't believe in love at first sight, it seems unlikely that I'm going fall for a girl walking down the high street. People who say they found love at first sight are just liars. You can fancy someone at first sight, but you can't fall in love with someone without actually getting to know them. I'm sure there was at least one attractive Nazi, and besides the outfit you wouldn't know they were a Nazi without getting to know them, and who would want to marry a Nazi? Well, obviously not young Jewish girls. In fact that sounds worthy of Jeremy Kyle. "I Married A Nazi Who Murdered My Parents And Siblings. Now He Wants To Kill Me!" Anyway, the less said about that the better.

However, I feel I should point out at this point that I do love my friends, even though it is a different kind of love. I do know that they will always cheer me up; in between all the depressing moments we seem to have. The way it feels to me though, that it doesn't matter how great my friends are, it's not going to make up for being single. "It's just not having that someone to just make your day that little bit better with a cuddle" is a way one of my friends described it, which I do agree with. Being around friends who are madly in love isn't exactly that helpful either. You can't turn around without seeing them kissing. I think it's great they're in love, and I wouldn't change that, but come on! I know they don't do it on purpose - but talk about rubbing it in.

Unrequited love seems to be a favourite of mine, and it's when you love a person, and they don't feel the same emotions back to you. Unrequited love has been the subject of some heart wrenching poems and love stories throughout the ages, and most of us experience unrequited love at some point in our lives. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you can be a heartbreaking experience, which is something us teenagers seem to do a lot. Then we moan a lot about how no-one loves us and that we will be single for the rest of our lives.

Then for the unattractive, depressed, lonely and sad people like me, every year there is a day for people in relationships to mock the single. I have been single every Valentine’s Day of my life so far, and every year it gets worse. Where ever you go you see people cuddling and kissing after giving each other a cheap and tacky card with 'I Love You Soooo Much' carefully scribed inside. Because of my singleness every year I have grown a hatred to February the 14th, and I find it rather depressing when given a Friend's Valentine’s Card with 'I love you as a friend' scribbled in as an attempt to cheer me up.

Music doesn't exactly help either, with a majority of songs being about people who are in love or people sad after a break up. Music can usually change the way we feel, so by keep listening to songs by Maroon 5, you're guaranteed to feel depressed about your love life. My favourite song for that is Sleepless by Until June, and you can find a link at the end of this blog to the song on YouTube.

Talking about the end of the blog, here it is. So now it's time for me to get back to my depressing life of eating Pot Noodles alone and sleeping in bed with only my duvet to hug and keep me warm in the nights. And back to watching everyone around me being in relationships, where I sit in an unlit corner with a few other people crying as we watch everyone eat the faces off their partners and smile when they have an argument.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igpa75MyTbg