Apple: A Byte Too Far

I am funny. You see, this blog title works on numerous, humorous levels. It's a pun on the regularly used sentence: 'A Bit Too Far'. Also, of course, Apples are food, so you can 'bite' them. However, computer memory is measured in 'Bytes', and due to this blog being about the technology giant 'Apple', it's funny, right? Yeah, I am a bit of a geek...

ANYWAY... Apple has gone mad this year. The beginning of the year saw them unveil a giant iPhone called the iPad, which essentially looked like a pretty tray which you could use to put coffee and tea on when entertaining guests. Then the iPhone progressed its way into its fourth generation. Now, Apple have released a new iTunes; iTunes 10 and changed its logo along with redesigning the incredibly popular and iconic iPod Nano. The power has gone to Steve Jobs's head! Everything has to be sodding touch screen with him these days! What were wrong with the days on the spindly-clicky-thingy?

The happy Apple family

The iPad has proved very popular in its first few months, with this blog actually being regularly read by people using it. Yes, I know who you are. Sat on the train, touching my blog. You're caressing it are you not!? You like touching it don't you? Oh, don't stop touching my blog. Just give it a quick little flick. Oh, that felt good, right? NOW, stop it, you dirty rich person.

Everyone is pretty much agreed that it is essentially a glorified mix of the iPhone and a MacBook. It doesn't matter what Apple say in the advert that is all it is. It does exactly the same things, but just in a bigger way. It is actually a fashion accessory. The top celebrities own one. I wouldn't be surprised if OK! Magazine haven't done a 10 page spread on the iPad do's and don't's according to Paris Hilton, or whatever blonde bimbo is flavour of the day.

When Apple released it, they warned that it would revolutionise the media in the way they publish newspapers and books. Well, I can still walk into my local store and buy The Guardian in paper form, so it hasn't changed much as of yet.

Then we have the iPhone. Both this and Blackberry are the top fashions in the mobile phone world. You either support Team iPhone or Team Blackberry. The iPhone 4 is much like the iPhone 3, apart from the fact it is shinier, quicker, better web connection and can burn the skin off of your face without you even noticing while you talk to your parent, unaware; apparently.

Everyone wants an iPhone. I even want an iPhone. I just want to hold it in my hand and play with the Apps, surf the web quickly and look like a businessman who is just a bit of a prick. I want one, rather badly really. However, for some reason, Apple has to go and charge a ridiculous amount of 'wonga' for it. I wouldn't argue if they made the iPhone a couple hundred pounds cheaper. You know what; I'd jump at the chance. However, they won't do that so I'm left with my Samsung Touch phone which has developed the annoying habit of freezing when I reply to a text, so I end up sending people blank messages.

As for the iPods, well thankfully the iPod classics remain in their 'classic' form. A biggish thing which just about fits in your pocket, and has a large screen and the iconic spindly-clicky-thingy. As for the Nano's, well their last few forms have made very little sense with the new generation (the 6th) being the worst offender. Last's years metallic Nano had a built in video camera. Now why the hell would you need, let alone buy, a portable music player with a built in video camera? They claim it is to allow the user to record their favourite bands at music festivals. However, that's what cameras are for! As for the new one...

A TOUCH SCREEN!? How dare you! How very dare you Mr Steve Jobs! I believed the iPod Touch to be the touch screen music player in your edition. I never thought you would ruin something as ICONIC as the Nano. A touch screen iPod Nano, costing £50 more than its spindly-clicky predecessors. The iPod Nano no longer looks like an iPod, but instead more like a SatNav or a small, portable television. How dare you!

I have to ask; what is with Apple's new obsession of having to touch everything? I LOVE my iPod Classic, which I've affectionately named Oscar, and I wouldn't change him for the world. I used to have an iPod Nano previously, and I loved that too. I love/loved them for their unique design. They actually look quite attractive for an electronic gadget and I think their design to be rather sleek. The Nano was iconic. ICONIC! Now, you have metaphorically chucked it in the toilet and relieved yourself all over it. I hope you are proud of yourself Steve Jobs. I may be coming across as angry, but that is because I am. I loved the design of the iPod range. Now. It's ruined.

Then iTunes. It only received minor tweaks here and there, granted. However, they have only gone and got rid of the iconic (Yes, I am using that word again, what of it?) desktop logo. The new one is trying to be too damn modern. I don't like change of something which has been the same for years; in fact as long as I've had iPods. Okay, I had OCD in the fact I'd look at the old logo every day and get frustrated that the CD behind the musical note was not spherical. I enjoyed that frustration though. Now when I look at the logo, I get disappointed to see the new circle on the new logo is very round indeed; if not a perfect circle.

Actually, now I've seen it in big form, I understand why it's not a perfect circle: It's on an angle...

Even though I now have a strong hate for Steve Jobs thanks to his new obsession to touching, I love Apple. I love my iPod Classic, Oscar. He is one of my best friends; always there when I need him. I want an iPhone. I don't care if it would burn my face off and is purely materialist, I still really want one. Even to the extent where I have stuck an Apple Logo on the back on my Samsung Mobile and pretend it is an iPhone. You know, one of those poorly crafted, rare Samsung/Apple iPhones. I would also rather quite like a Mac, of the book or desktop type. I just want to touch one and own one. Even to the extent where I have stuck an Apple Logo on the lid of my Samsung Laptop and pretend it is a MacBook. You know, one of those rare black and bulky Apple MacBooks. I am an obsessed geek.

If I was rich with lots of money, I would like to fill my house with Apple products (except the iPod Nano. I need a restraining order on that piece of ruined technology), but why? Fashion. Apple products are fashionably cool. I have been programmed by the media and society that Apple products are must haves. Who knows whether I'll manage to get any of these products as I get older and richer, but I know that for now I am happy with my Oscar, and if they dare turn the iPod Classics into Touch Screen; I might just cry.

January In The News

January is all but gone now, the first month of the decade and it has been quite a busy one for the news to catch up with. First there was the ordeal of Jonathan Ross leaving the BBC in June, Jordan having a few of her ex partners locked in a house for a few weeks, an Earthquake in a country which not many people can point out on a map of the world, Cadbury's becoming American, one of the worst ever shows starting: Take Me Out, and of course the most recent, the announcement of the Apple iPad. Here comes another long blog.

Remember when it snowed a few weeks ago? Well do you remember when news programs had trouble squeezing in the shocking news that Jonathan Ross was quitting the BBC? This is the man who they moaned had a salary which was higher than his worth and was a 'waste of license payer’s money'. However, now he going the media loves again. They had forgotten that 15 months ago they had him suspended for his apparently 'shocking' and 'offending' comments him and Russel Brand left on Andrew Sach's answer machine. Who would have guessed the media was so hypocritical?

Anyway, now the main talk is about who will be replacing him on his Friday Night slot? I personally think that the BBC will replace him with him Katie Price. She, like Ross, can talk for ages about any old piece of rubbish and I bet she's cheaper. They would have to change the name to 'Any Night With Katie Price' however. Speculation was that Graham Norton would replace him, but of course 'Four Poufs and a Piano' would have leave. The BBC doesn’t want to turn Friday nights into 'Gay Night'; there is a limit to how much lubricant the BBC can buy...

Anyway, that’s enough with the jokes that would make Jan Moir proud, and onwards to the more serious topic of the Haiti earthquake. Nearly two weeks ago it happened and it is still getting media coverage. Usually journalists tend to get tired of stories like these after a while so they stop reporting about them and pretend they never happened. The Earthquake has killed hundreds of thousands of people, and the death toll keeps rising, but still there are heart-warming stories of people being found alive under giants heaps of rubble. It is quite amazing really.
You may have noticed that I've all-of-a-sudden turned serious, but of course there are not many jokes to be made from a tragic event such as this. However, there is one. Simon Cowell (or God as he prefers close friends and relatives to call him) has created not only a single, but an album of songs dedicated to saving Haiti, which includes many famous stars singing with all the profits of course going to the devastated country. Haiti better appreciate all the crap we have to listen to for them.

Celebrity Big Brother started and ended this month. Again, like most years, I've watched not one minute of the program and yet I know so much thanks to friends talking about it in my presence and reading the newspapers and listening to the radio. Vinnie Jones was the favourite to win for a majority of the series as he claimed to be the only one in the house who had a normal, down-to-earth lifestyle. This was said without any irony apparently as only a few hours later he said 'Aren't house keepers and pool cleaners expensive?'. Yeah, good way to represent the common folk.
It turned out he didn't win but instead Katie Price’s ex. You know the one she dated after her and Pete split up. He's the one that is 'famous' for cross dressing. That's right, Alex Reid. He really does not deserve the title as a celebrity just because he had relations with Katie Price, I mean if every single man she'd dated was a celebrity the newspapers would be enormous.
They wouldn't be too big for the iPad though. That's right, Apple's new invention which is set to revolutionise life as we know it. I read all about it in the paper on Thursday, in which they were saying you could read newspapers, magazines and book electronically. Yeah, that is really what we need. For years I've wanted to read a newspaper without it actually being on paper and now Apple have come to the rescue. Incase you didn't notice, that was sarcasm.
It has been described as the iPhone on steroids. What people don't realise is that the man holding it is actually only a foot tall, so that makes it look a lot taller than it really is. It has been hailed as something inbetween the iPhone and the iMac, with its tablet function meaning that no longer will you have to operate a laptop with the hassle of having to press 'buttons'.
Here are some facts which you may not know about the iPad. Well, you will know them if you follow me on Twitter, but if you don't here are a few facts no-one knows.

• The Apple Tablet actually contains the antidote to save the life of Snow White after she has eaten the poisoned apple.
  
• The Apple iPad will be able to breed with other iPad's and together they will have a little iPod Shuffle which will one day grow into an iPod Classic.
  
• The iPad can kill all bacteria and viruses, including the 0.1% which even the best cleaning products can't kill. It can also clean a penny in under 10 seconds, much faster than Cilit Bang.
  
• The product can make even the prettiest girl look just like Susan Boyle, assuming you throw it hard enough at their face.

I'm sure have also heard that Cadbury's is no longer British. Bloody American's, coming over here and buying our companies. Kraft were the lucky people to get their cheesy hands onto the recipe for making our nations beloved Dairy Milk. Kraft own many other food companies with a list including Ritz biscuits, Oreo biscuits, Philadelphia cheese spread, Capri Sun drinks, Kenco Coffee, Toblerone and many more. Bet you didn't know that. Kraft own quite a lot of products which you will find somewhere in your Kitchen. Will this mean that this time next year we will be eating 'Philadelphia Chocolate Spread' and 'Chocolate covered Ritz biscuits'? Probably not, but we can dream.
Cadbury's were sold because of financial problems. This is worrying considering that a few days later the Government announced that we are officially out of the recession. What does this mean for everyone though? Not a lot, infact probably nothing. A 0.1% increase is hardly going to change anything dramatically. Interest rates will still remain low, tax will remain high and it will still be hard for the average person to get a loan.

In January a show called 'Take Me Out' was unleashed onto our screens by ITV as well. The basic format of the show is for a variety of thirty single woman who range from being stupid to damn right morons, big to small and from Twins to a woman who has no teeth. These girls stand behind a podium while a man comes down the ‘Love Elevator’ and spends 5 minutes being an ignorant twit while these 'lovelies' judge him. Essentially it is Blind Date for people aren't smart enough to think up three questions and are much more desperate for a 'quickie'.
It's an awful show, mind you; it doesn't stop me watching it. The reason for that though is probably because I'm single and therefore I am usually at home feeling sorry for myself on a Saturday evening. I would hate to go that show. The women on there are enough to make me realise that being single is a positive thing if there are people like them about. I would happily give up my life to avoid having to spend an hour in a pub in their company while trying to think up small talk. It would be my idea of hell. Awfully, addictive telly, that's what it is. The adverts should come with a health warning.

Finally, the snow. I've written a blog about the recent snow, so I'm not going to repeat myself, but two weeks after it melted and all disappeared, we're all still talking about how this winter has been the worst for thirty years. Channel Four felt the need to put an hour-long program on Saturday night (30th January) in which described snow. They explained the difference between 'sticky' and 'dry' snow. The kind we suffered a few weeks ago was the sticky stuff apparently (no jokes, please). The show then had a very inconclusive conclusion (I know, sounds confusing) in which they said it was probably caused by climate change, but don't agree it was, before going on to say that we should spend Millions of pounds on proper snow clearing equipment, but then saying we shouldn't because it would be waste of money. This made for a pointless show.

Next, it is February - the shortest month of the year. What will it bring us? They predict more snow, but I hope not. We also have Valentine’s Day (or Valeween as I am referring to it as from now on) on the 14th. Will something big happen like an apocalyptic flood? Will February be a good month or a bad one? We shall have to wait and see...