I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...
She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.
Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.
The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).
In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.
Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.
This is going to be a fun week...
I know I'm not the first person to realise this and say this, and I very much doubt I will be the last person, but celebrities seem to only have arguments in the gossip magazines, and like I've said before, the news on the telly is very good on reporting this arguments, with the latest example being Katie (Jordan) Price and Peter (Insania) Andre.
Regular readers of my blogs (Hello Chris), will be aware that I'm not exactly a fan of this whole 'celebrity' culture that we seem to be going through, and Jade Goody is the image of everything I hate about the gossip magazines, and the tabloid papers - oh and the broadsheets, the news on the telly, Internet and Radio, and people who talk/read about it, even though that does include a vast majority of my friends - but not everyone is perfect. Every magazine is full of celebrities saying how they lost weight by not eating lots of chocolate, describing all the sordid details of a celebrity breakup or exclusives on things I don't care about, like peoples weddings... Or funerals for that matter.
Another thing that I don't particularly care for in these kinds of magazines is the 'real-life' stories. The women who found out she had married a sloth, after thinking her husband of 4 years was just really hairy and lazy, or maybe the man who gets an erection when eating a ham sandwich, or maybe the women who opened the boot of her car and found her boyfriend and best friend playing chess together, or maybe the women who has amnesia and thought she had killed her husband, but later found out it was her dead dog she buried, or possibly the women who found out her goldfish could pleasure her after a 'slippery' accident. It's all just rubbish, and how people can find pleasure in them I will never know. The only way in which I get pleasure in them is the satisfactory wipe on my bottom after a visit to the loo.
Today my friend brought a copy of 'Okay' magazine, and there was at least 20 pages covering the history of Jordan and Peter's relationship. 20 PAGES! The first few pages were smothered in pictures with Jordan wearing a low-cut top believe it or not, and every page she seemed to change her opinion. One page she was so upset about Peter leaving, the next she saying that Peter was inappropriate for her, the next she was distraught, then the next page may as well been covered in the words such as 'C**t', 'Prick' and 'T**t'. There were numerous images of them together in the jungle, with him caressing her breast, then images of their wedding, then them renewing their vows and so. They even resulted in editing some images, with one of them being a tortoise and a heir with their heads on, and another with Jordan, but with the head of Danger Mouse. I never actually read it, and maybe if I did, I would know the point, but I'm one of these people who think that ignorance is bliss when it comes to the word ‘celebrity’.
Also, in the same magazine, Jordan is a columnist - as an agony aunt, in which each letter begins with 'Dear Jordan'. These agony aunt columns are a feature of all magazines. A majority of the problems are all from the plain ignorant, asking about underage sex, or whether size matters, or maybe people confessing they're having an affair with two men, and are just gloating about it. The person, usually a female, will give a sympathetic answer, dropping in one of their past experiences, and I guess with Jordan having a lot of past experiences in these matters, she is perfect. These I have to admit are entertaining to read, but then so is junk mail telling you about some gobbledegook you don't care about, and end up laughing about as you put it in the recycling box.
Another regular feature in pretty much all magazines is a trees worth of images of 'affordable' clothes and fashion tips, from a woman whose best friend is Photoshop. That buying this mascara will make you look pretty, although the image contains fake eye-lashes. Maybe this top from Next will be the perfect way to look exactly like your idol. It's full of crap, which I think makes a lot of women feel bad about themselves. There are articles though which also make men like myself, feel pretty darn bad about themselves, besides the fact I hate these magazines.
A regular thing which can be found in one these glossy gossip magazines is something called 'Torso of the Week', in which women turn to and they feel there insides warm up at the sight of someone, not much older than me, with a body 'you'd just die for'. Now, the only way I could be 'Torso of the Week' is if I join Weight Watchers and they do a 'Torso of the Week' to boost moral within the group. I am not what teenagers call 'fit', and I never have been called it, and I doubt I ever will really, but that doesn't bother me. I find that exhibiting torsos on weekly bases to be degrading to men frankly, and also puts a lot of pressure onto men to look good.
Aside from these magazines helping me reach the depths of self pity every time my friends read them, these magazines are just complete and utter rubbish. I have never found how people find them entertaining, but then I have never fully understood the word 'celebrity'. All Jade Goody is famous for, is being selected by the people who choose the contestants of Big Brother because she would be a good catalyst for arguments and drama within the house. That's all. All that Katie Price is famous for is having breast implants then showing off the results at every opportunity. I would think these kinds of magazines were the work of the devil if I was a religious person.
The names are another thing that annoy me. They are just simple words such as; Okay, Heat, Hello, Starz and so on. I had the idea of naming one 'Laundrette' because that's where people go publicly wash the dirty little secrets, like a laundrette, but my friend pointed out it has too many syllables, which is right. But please, someone, tell me the point. I really do not get the point on wasting that amount of money. Why don't you save up the money you would spend for a few weeks, then buy yourself a nice book, or maybe just go and do something creative, just stop funding people like Piers Morgan. They don't deserve it, the same way no-one deserves to have their brains stuffed full of completely useless facts, which are only useful for conversations by the water cooler. No-one is forcing you to have a conversation every time you go and get some cool water.
Anyway, I must stop now otherwise I will get too angry...
So Toodles M'dearys
xXXx
The latest ‘trend’ amongst the serious ‘newsreaders’ is to essentially, pick up a copy of The Sun and OK magazine and just read it out. Who cares about the fires in Australia killing over 200 people, or 45 people dying in a plane crash in America, or even the Credit Crunch – that was so last year. No, the things everyone wants to know about it are 13 year old fathers, who aren’t the father and dying celebrities getting married.
What happened to the days when you turned on the TV and 6PM or 10PM or whenever and heard about important stuff that affects the day to day lives of normal folk? I’ll tell you what happened; we harnessed the power of 24 hour news, and decided to repeat 15 minutes of news, over and over again.
They ran out of stuff to say, so they picked up The Sun and some ‘clever’ spark thought, “We could make the news longer by telling people gossip instead of telling them about Russia turning of our Gas.” So now when the news is on, we get told which celebrities are getting divorced, and get breaking news on the American women who had octuplets.
You may recognise the woman in the picture above as Mika Brzezinski from a few years ago. She is the newsreader who refused to read the story about Paris Hilton coming out of prison and set fire to her script in protest. She is one of the people who helps believe that there is still hope for the human race; there are newsreaders that will stand up and say no to nonsense news! And I thank her.
At the moment, when you turn the TV on, the headline news is either about Jade Goody’s cancer (see yesterdays blog for more details), and 13 year old boys who claim to be the father of a 16 year olds child, as well as two other boys. She’s a slut essentially, just get over it. There is no need to spark another debate on whether children are educated enough about sex. If that teenager is going to have sex, then they will have sex, it won’t matter that when they were 10 they got told that ‘Unprotected sex leads to STD’s and babies’. Another story (which involves Twitter), is that Lily Allen and Parez Hilton (whoever he is) are having an argument over the modern blogging phenomenon – Twitter.
Then after that load of nonsense, the newsreader turns around and says ‘In other news’, where he or she will tell us something important finally, which is usually connected to either terrorism, credit crunch or some member of parliament getting up to certain ‘shenanigans’. This is the stuff we want to know.
I mean what will be next? Will I turn on the evening news with the headline story being; ‘Breaking News - Michael Jackson reveals colour of his penis. Find out which colour, after the break.’
You never know, weirder things have happened.
This is going to be a fun week...
