While My Life Slowly Slips Past, I Sleep

I don't entrust many tasks to my alarm clocks, but the ones I do, I expect it to do properly. In fact, my alarm clocks are actually only used for one task, once a day, 5 days a week. This is a job they have been designed solely to do. This job is to wake me up at a precise time. The problem is, no alarm clock seems to be able to actually do that task. Over the past six months, I could probably count how many times I've woken up successfully by, just my alarm clocks and with no help from other devices or human forms, on both my hands.

This has been a problem that I have suffered with most my life. I have had many alarm clocks and difference devices over the years to try and wake me up in the mornings, so I'm not late for what the day ahead has in store for me. For many years I had a Simpsons Alarm clock, which had different sayings said by Bart Simpson, which it would repeat until I pressed a button disguised as a drain cover. That has been sewn onto my soul for the rest of my life. There is an episode of The Simpsons where Bart shoots a bird. That episode includes two of the phrases which my alarm clock yelled every morning. Whenever I watch that episode, my brain automatically thinks I've over slept. I cannot watch that episode for that very reason.

I matured and then got two new alarm clocks. Not because I'm greedy, but just because I'm that useless at early mornings. One was a Science Museum clock which done lots of cool things and has what can only be described as a classic alarm clock sound. It has a button which projects the time to the ceiling and it can tell you the room temperature. This was my back-up clock which I would set to go off ten minutes after the first one to make sure I awoke. However, it barely works now and with various bits breaking, it is now only good for measuring the temperature.

The second alarm clock is equally over-designed. The only way to describe its physical appearance is to say that it is a Cyclopes' eye with a black baton impaled through the top of it. The bottom 'Cyclopes' part is a speaker, while the top 'impaled baton' part is a digital display of the time. It is a radio alarm clock. Due to the fact that it is tuned to Heart Radio and the fact that Heart Radio play the same playlist every morning, it is guaranteed that either a Lady Gaga or Take That song will be played when the alarm is set to go off. It has a good feature that to make it snooze, you just push the alarm clock due to the fact it rolls about on the 'eye'/speaker.

The problem is, 5 years later, that doesn't wake me up anymore. I will happily just sleep through the mindless jabbering of the breakfast hosts - no matter how high I set the volume. I had to stop having it on loud because I would wake up with a pounding headache. This means there is no hope of me waking up. I have tried other ways around this problem. For example, I have a speaker pillow. A nifty product I brought a while ago from Hawkins Bazaar. I plug my iPod into it and set the alarm on my iPod. When set properly, it works a treat. When it isn't, I'll just carry on sleeping. You have to make sure the volume is up high, and you have to make sure to exit all the menus for the alarm to be set. Not a reliable way of waking up when controlled by a man with a bad memory and not enough common sense to set an alarm clock.

I have tried using my phone's alarm. This works. However, it is highly annoying and when I use this method, I undoubtedly wake up in a foul mood. Also, in a way reminiscent of The Simpsons alarm clock, when I hear the tone I have on my phone in everyday life, I get in an awful panic and bumble about like an idiot for a few seconds. I have a Samsung, and my alarm tone is the default Samsung tone. So, I can be walking down the street and someone's phone will go off, or I can be watching TV, and someone's phone will go off on Coronation Street and the bumbling fool within is released.  It is as if my alarm clocks hypnotise me.

Now, my alarm is set to 7am, but I don't think I have actually woken up at that time in many years. My phone alarm is set to 7:30am. I will always wake up at this point. However, if I don't stop it quickly, it grates against my mind and the longer it goes on for, the worse my mood. This is where the Snooze feature on my phone comes in handy. Every 3 minutes it will go off until finally it will annoy me so much, I just get out of bed. However, sometimes I can carry on this charade for half an hour, just every 3 minutes putting it onto snooze. Before you know it, its 8am and I have to leave for school in 20 minutes.

It seems the key to waking me up is to repeat an annoying sound over and over again until finally I crack and wake up in a fit of rage. The problem with that method is that I am left in that mood the rest of the day. I thought I could just get a normal, basic alarm clock which will annoy me every morning, thus waking me up, but I don't like the idea of being annoyed every morning now. Then I thought I could get an alarm clock which I could dock my iPod into, and I then create a playlist with loud songs which I like. What a great way to enter the day; but I'm not sure it is actually annoying enough to wake me up.

However, just to be annoying; if someone rings the house phone or texts me on my mobile, I will wake up and be alert instantly. I suppose that means if I worked in a call centre, there would be no problems with me missing phone calls whenever I had a kip.

So here, I face a conundrum. Do I get an alarm clock to really piss me off? Do I get an alarm clock which will ease me into the day with a smile, but possibly not work? Or, do I pay a very reliable person to phone or text me every morning at 7:30am?

P.S. I just want to say, if you are reading this blog as a result of me applying for a job at your humble company, I am reliable and never late, despite everything I just typed... Also, I can make a mean cup of tea!

Apple: A Byte Too Far

I am funny. You see, this blog title works on numerous, humorous levels. It's a pun on the regularly used sentence: 'A Bit Too Far'. Also, of course, Apples are food, so you can 'bite' them. However, computer memory is measured in 'Bytes', and due to this blog being about the technology giant 'Apple', it's funny, right? Yeah, I am a bit of a geek...

ANYWAY... Apple has gone mad this year. The beginning of the year saw them unveil a giant iPhone called the iPad, which essentially looked like a pretty tray which you could use to put coffee and tea on when entertaining guests. Then the iPhone progressed its way into its fourth generation. Now, Apple have released a new iTunes; iTunes 10 and changed its logo along with redesigning the incredibly popular and iconic iPod Nano. The power has gone to Steve Jobs's head! Everything has to be sodding touch screen with him these days! What were wrong with the days on the spindly-clicky-thingy?

The happy Apple family

The iPad has proved very popular in its first few months, with this blog actually being regularly read by people using it. Yes, I know who you are. Sat on the train, touching my blog. You're caressing it are you not!? You like touching it don't you? Oh, don't stop touching my blog. Just give it a quick little flick. Oh, that felt good, right? NOW, stop it, you dirty rich person.

Everyone is pretty much agreed that it is essentially a glorified mix of the iPhone and a MacBook. It doesn't matter what Apple say in the advert that is all it is. It does exactly the same things, but just in a bigger way. It is actually a fashion accessory. The top celebrities own one. I wouldn't be surprised if OK! Magazine haven't done a 10 page spread on the iPad do's and don't's according to Paris Hilton, or whatever blonde bimbo is flavour of the day.

When Apple released it, they warned that it would revolutionise the media in the way they publish newspapers and books. Well, I can still walk into my local store and buy The Guardian in paper form, so it hasn't changed much as of yet.

Then we have the iPhone. Both this and Blackberry are the top fashions in the mobile phone world. You either support Team iPhone or Team Blackberry. The iPhone 4 is much like the iPhone 3, apart from the fact it is shinier, quicker, better web connection and can burn the skin off of your face without you even noticing while you talk to your parent, unaware; apparently.

Everyone wants an iPhone. I even want an iPhone. I just want to hold it in my hand and play with the Apps, surf the web quickly and look like a businessman who is just a bit of a prick. I want one, rather badly really. However, for some reason, Apple has to go and charge a ridiculous amount of 'wonga' for it. I wouldn't argue if they made the iPhone a couple hundred pounds cheaper. You know what; I'd jump at the chance. However, they won't do that so I'm left with my Samsung Touch phone which has developed the annoying habit of freezing when I reply to a text, so I end up sending people blank messages.

As for the iPods, well thankfully the iPod classics remain in their 'classic' form. A biggish thing which just about fits in your pocket, and has a large screen and the iconic spindly-clicky-thingy. As for the Nano's, well their last few forms have made very little sense with the new generation (the 6th) being the worst offender. Last's years metallic Nano had a built in video camera. Now why the hell would you need, let alone buy, a portable music player with a built in video camera? They claim it is to allow the user to record their favourite bands at music festivals. However, that's what cameras are for! As for the new one...

A TOUCH SCREEN!? How dare you! How very dare you Mr Steve Jobs! I believed the iPod Touch to be the touch screen music player in your edition. I never thought you would ruin something as ICONIC as the Nano. A touch screen iPod Nano, costing £50 more than its spindly-clicky predecessors. The iPod Nano no longer looks like an iPod, but instead more like a SatNav or a small, portable television. How dare you!

I have to ask; what is with Apple's new obsession of having to touch everything? I LOVE my iPod Classic, which I've affectionately named Oscar, and I wouldn't change him for the world. I used to have an iPod Nano previously, and I loved that too. I love/loved them for their unique design. They actually look quite attractive for an electronic gadget and I think their design to be rather sleek. The Nano was iconic. ICONIC! Now, you have metaphorically chucked it in the toilet and relieved yourself all over it. I hope you are proud of yourself Steve Jobs. I may be coming across as angry, but that is because I am. I loved the design of the iPod range. Now. It's ruined.

Then iTunes. It only received minor tweaks here and there, granted. However, they have only gone and got rid of the iconic (Yes, I am using that word again, what of it?) desktop logo. The new one is trying to be too damn modern. I don't like change of something which has been the same for years; in fact as long as I've had iPods. Okay, I had OCD in the fact I'd look at the old logo every day and get frustrated that the CD behind the musical note was not spherical. I enjoyed that frustration though. Now when I look at the logo, I get disappointed to see the new circle on the new logo is very round indeed; if not a perfect circle.

Actually, now I've seen it in big form, I understand why it's not a perfect circle: It's on an angle...

Even though I now have a strong hate for Steve Jobs thanks to his new obsession to touching, I love Apple. I love my iPod Classic, Oscar. He is one of my best friends; always there when I need him. I want an iPhone. I don't care if it would burn my face off and is purely materialist, I still really want one. Even to the extent where I have stuck an Apple Logo on the back on my Samsung Mobile and pretend it is an iPhone. You know, one of those poorly crafted, rare Samsung/Apple iPhones. I would also rather quite like a Mac, of the book or desktop type. I just want to touch one and own one. Even to the extent where I have stuck an Apple Logo on the lid of my Samsung Laptop and pretend it is a MacBook. You know, one of those rare black and bulky Apple MacBooks. I am an obsessed geek.

If I was rich with lots of money, I would like to fill my house with Apple products (except the iPod Nano. I need a restraining order on that piece of ruined technology), but why? Fashion. Apple products are fashionably cool. I have been programmed by the media and society that Apple products are must haves. Who knows whether I'll manage to get any of these products as I get older and richer, but I know that for now I am happy with my Oscar, and if they dare turn the iPod Classics into Touch Screen; I might just cry.

Stuart's Review Of The Noughties

Wave bye-bye to 2009 and to the Noughties. 2010 has arrived, bringing with it a new decade which is inappropriately named 'The Teens'. As a lot of people have commented, it shouldn't technically be called 'The Teens' until 2013, so I don't know what the official name for this decade will be. Also, what are we calling this year? Twenty Ten or Two Thousand and Ten? I personally prefer the former because it sounds quite futuristic, but it is an Americanism, which is a downside. The latter is quite a boring, British way of saying it. I expect I'll call it Twenty Ten because it is shorter, but no-one listens to me.

Anyway, back on with the subject, 'The Noughties' - the years 2000 to 2009. This is the decade of the Internet. Every decade has a 'thing' and the previous was the Internet; the marvellous invention that allows you to watch people getting hurt when You've Been Framed isn't on. It also allows people to communicate with each other, as well as looking at free porn and sharing pointless thoughts with the world on Twitter. The Internet also allows people to be very angry. The amount of comments you see on forums and YouTube which are an exchange of insults is phenomenal. People surely were not that angry before the Internet. Essentially, they're just 12 year old boys who like to act hard by calling everyone a 'Dickhead' under the alias of 'RudeBoi98'. If you met them in real life, they would run away at the mere thought of a fight. I've had a few of them comments on my Blog, which I think is evidence that I've made it.
The Internet has had an incredible amount of bad press also however. Only the other year some scientist said that 'Using Facebook could raise the risk of your child having cancer' and crying that 'It could ruin the brains of children effecting our future generation'. Well, I've been on Facebook a few years now and I'm no more stupid than I was before. Also, apparently, a rise in paedophilia has been recorded because a 42 year old man can pose as 15 year old girl of MSN or MySpace. No one said 70 years ago that 'Chimney sweeps could be a predator on your innocent teenage daughter' did they though. Anyway, I know I'm safe because if anyone wanted me, they'd have to be pretty darn desperate.

This has also been the decade of terror for other reasons. Ever since 11/9 (it's the right way around because I'm not American. They're the only country who writes the date the other way around - idiots) the Governments have drummed into us that we're living in a 'climate of fear' which they themselves created anyway. The planes crashing into the Twin Towers surely was a horrific moment of the decade, and is one thing it will be remembered for, but I don't think going to war with Afghanistan and Iraq has helped the situation. Overall, 6,255 people died in the Noughties because of the war. Then you have the bomb attack on a Spanish train, then the London Underground/Bus, Glasgow Airport and a Russian Train; as well as all the suicide attacks in the war-torn countries. Okay, not as bad as the World Wars, but still something a majority of people will remember about the decade.

The reality show boom. Yes, a lot of negative things happened during the Noughties. The popularity of these shows started at the dawn of decade, with Big Brother being the main one and then shows such as Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Then shows like I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing On Ice. This is what tarred the basic fabric of humanity apart during the decade, with 95% of conversations linking to Reality TV in one way or another. Don't even get me started on the stars that have been born from this obsession. People like Chantelle from Big Brother, Cheryl Cole from Pop Stars: The Rivals and recently Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent. The most annoyingly famous one of the lot however is Jade Goody. You may be surprised that I mentioned her name, but in 45 years time when some poor sods have to learn about Culture in the Noughties, she'll be one of the people mentioned to your Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren. Now who wants that? I sure don't! The history of the decade has been soiled because of Reality TV and Jade Goody.
Simon Cowell has been a giant influence upon the decade as well. At the turn of the decade he was relatively unknown and now he is better known than the Queen according to a recent study. This is the man who brought us the treats of Pop Idol, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. This is the man who has helped to escalate our nations hunger to be a celebrity. This is a man who makes millions from making people look like complete and utter idiots on national telly in front of 10 Million people on a weekly basis. This is a man who at one point was more well known for being an angry, white-teethed, trousers-around-the-neck annoyance with terrible hair. Now he has far too much respect, money and ego as a result of the Noughties.

Journalism. Now remember I want a career in Journalism so this is a profession I'm suppose to admire and constantly dream about. Infact, only the other day I received a conditional offer to study Journalism at University. Well believe it or not I hate a majority of Journalists. Since the death of our dear Princess Diana, press has been given a bad name; in much the same way as one of Bon Jovi's ex's gave love a bad name. Piers Morgan was a twat during the 90's but he's even worse now - he's on TV. The news seems to only focus on the pointless moments in life like celebrity love lives. "Forget Australia being completely destroyed by a nuclear bomb, did you say Wayne and Coleen Rooney may be getting divorced?" That's what it would be like anyway. I'm sure most Journalist's are lovely in real-life, but the persona created by most in the papers is quite an unpleasant one.

Then you also have the recession, which looms over us still as we pass into another decade. This brought an increase of Shoplifting into the decade and a rise in unemployment. The decade will be known for bankers pissing our money away so they can go fancy yachts with cheesy names such as 'Bay Dream' and 'Fishin' Impossible'. People in years to come will talk about a ‘Northern Rock’ which once stood in high streets and raconteurs will share stories of the time when they stood in lines for hours on end to enter this 'Northern Rock'.

Something else that has come out of the decade and the Internet is the ability to watch TV without turning the actual television on. Yes, iPlayer was born, meaning that people can watch something a week later after it was originally shown on their laptops, iPods and phones. Phones are another invention which has really excelled during the Noughties. At the turn of the decade people hadn't even started playing Snake on their mobiles with them being the size of an actual brick with giant buttons. Remember them? Well why don't you go on the Internet via your phone and have a look on Google images if you don't.

Apples played a big part in the decade. No, not the edible ones which keep the doctor away, I mean the company. The idea that someone could play a few songs without using a CD player or tape deck was revolutionary. Now we think nothing of having an entire music collection in our pocket to listen to when we want, where we want. Now that my friends, this is what geeks are for: coming up with absolutely fantastic inventions. I love my iPod. I love mine so much I've named him Oscar and surprisingly he has the exact same taste in music as I do.

Twitter is a micro-blogging site which really made it big in the final year of the decade, and I have to stand up and say "Yes, I am a Twitterholic". I find it absolutely fantastic. What did we do before Twitter? Did we shout short messages of 140 characters in length out the window at people innocently walking past? No, it is such a pointless invention and is why I adore it. Essentially Twitter is a legalised form of stalking. I now know whenever my friends are having a shower and I can even tell you when Chris Moyles is going for 5 mile run so you can pop around his house and burgle him. Just brilliant.

This was the decade in which people stopped talking and spelling properly too (or should I say 2?). It’s a pet peeve of mine. I think you will find ‘U’ is an inappropriate way of spelling ‘you’. Even meaningful sentiments like ‘I love you’ have been destroyed. You’re lucky if someone goes to the effort of putting ‘luv u’ really because people very commonly go ‘ily’. The English language is slowly being destroyed. Even laughter has been destroyed. People have actually started saying ‘LOL’ instead of laughing. It’s the most common piece of gobbledegook used in society these days, and I hate it; a generation of people who can only communicate if they’re typing or using acronyms.

Games have had a huge impact in the previous decade. Years ago we sat infront of silly 2D animation with repetitive hypnotising music. Now at the end of the decade people have realistic games in which you feel part of the experience. Whether you're running people over in a stolen car on Grand Theft Auto or playing tennis in your living rooms, you are living in a realistic revolutionary game. You can play on your own while eating a packet of Doritos's or on the Internet against a thousand people eating Doritos's. If someone said to you in 1999 that in 2009 you could flapping like a bird to 'exercise' on your games console or pretending you're in a war zone with real blood effects and talking to someone in Australia, you probably would have already called the local mental institution claiming they were insane.

Then we have pop culture. This is something I am not going to say I 'adore' or find 'fantastic' because I actually detest it. As I mention far too many times in my blogs; Jade Goody was pretty the face of everything I despise. Amy Winehouse constantly being in and out of rehab so many times I can't remember when I first lost interest in her. Naomi Campbell has hit so many cleaners that her house now looks like a pig sty. Heather Mills has crushed so many Beatles that she has been named a threat to the environment. Victoria and David Beckham have moved country so many times that they themselves have contributed to 10% of all pollution. That leaves Katie Price; well she alone caused the great 2005 shortage of plastic and has been spread over so many papers that I can't be bothered to think up another metaphor for her. These are people we're supposed to idealise? These are role models to the next generation of adults? Celebrity Pop Culture was possibly the worst part of the Noughties. The sad thing is as well, that it shows no signs of stopping during the Teens. Even if we perfect space travel in the decade, we wouldn't be able to hide from it. How I wish I was a hermit sometimes.

Much more happened in the previous decade however, but I don’t want to make this blog so incredibly long no-one reads it so I’ve decreased it the bigger moments. What wonders do we expect from the Teens though? Maybe Jonathan Ross will leave the BBC to go onto more exciting projects? Maybe Big Brother will come to an end? Maybe we will learn how to cope with snow? Maybe big football teams like Manchester United and Liverpool will be squashed by teams like Leeds and Reading? Maybe the cure for cancer will be found? Maybe the British public will stop moaning about every little thing which could be portrayed as 'insulting' on the BBC? Maybe I will be able to text from my phone without pressing the camera button by accident? Maybe my blog will be found by the editor from The Guardian and I'll be found and become a renowned famous Journalist (I'm allowed to dream)? It's even possible that Katie Price may find the perfect man.

We shall have to wait and see.