It's Snowing, It's Flurrying...

...The Old Man Isn't Snoring As He Has Frozen To Death.

It is getting to the point where I think I may have mentioned the word 'snow' in this blog this year, more than I've mentioned the words 'Jade Goody', and that is a worrying fact.

We are nearly at the end of our countries second heavy snow fall this winter. Ten months previously, we were in the middle of our biggest snow fall for many years. The country just stopped for a few days. You would have thought ten months would be enough time to recover and prepare for the worse to happen again. The phrase is to 'learn from our mistakes', but did we succeed in doing that? Did we ‘eck!

The politicians have explained a lot over the past month why our country still fails to cope at the first signs of snow; we don't get snow regularly enough and it doesn't last long. That is a very fair point to make Mr ConDem Man. So what if it has snowed the previous three years. It didn't snow for years prior to that. Everyone believed in Global Warming back then. Now that we have the snow back, we seem to have forgotten about that inconvenient truth Al Gore told us all about years ago.

We Brits are the most hypocritical nation. It doesn't snow during the winter; we moan that it didn't snow. If it does snow, we moan about how we have been inconvenienced by the weather. We have a cold and rainy summer, we moan about it. We have a boiling and sunny summer; we moan it's too hot. We spend all of winter waiting for summer to come and melt away the snow, then we spend all of summer waiting for winter so we can festive snow, and from there on, it continues year in, year out. We complain about our Labour Government and Gordon Brown, but then we can't decide who we really want in power instead. Then we settle for a ConDem Government with David Cameron and Nick Clegg, and we moan about them instead.

Anyway, something which is pointed out by the 'News' and their 'investigative reports' is that other countries cope perfectly well with snow. Switzerland, for example, a country which spends a majority of the year under snow, keeps their airports open. People in Denmark, for example, still manage to drive their cars in snow lasting a few months. We compare 2 to 3 weeks of snow, to them. Switzerland keep their airports open with equipment costing millions of Swiss Franc's, due to the fact that without that expense, no-one would be able to hardly ever leave or enter the country. Denmark makes it a law that everyone switches to Winter Tyres at a certain date every year to be able to cope with their freezing winters. It's cost effective for those countries.

For our country, the implications of ensuring every driver changes their tyres twice a year would cost a huge amount of money which we do not have. Spending millions of pounds on Airport Snow Clearing Equipment would be spending money we do not have. For a few weeks of disruption a year, it is never going to be cost effective, especially with the Budget-cutting Tories in power. Just get over. Buy a sledge and have some fun instead of moping about that it has snowed. Take pictures of the beautiful landscape which the snow gives us. Just don't sit at home and emailing the BBC to complain about the state of our country.

Here are two examples of lovely snow landscapes taken by yours truely.

However, to take a slightly hypocritical view to the above paragraphs; why is our country so useless as coping with snow and cold weather? Trains are cancelled and the ones that do run are hours late or get stuck in the middle of nowhere for 7 hours. Every airport closes for days. No-one can drive in a straight line without nearly crashing into another driver because the council decided to not grit certain roads. People can't even walk down the street without fearing for their lives.

The snow affected me too you know. I had to drive in that snow. At night. When it was falling out of the sky quick and hard. On roads with no grit and doing no more than 20mph on a road which would usually have people travelling at over 60mph. I did well to drive the 10 miles in these conditions without so much as a tyre going out of place. Then, I approach a roundabout where a Land Rover driver decides to not indicate and turn my direction. I used the brakes in a vain attempt to stop but slid straight into his path. He avoided me and he done a pirouette, narrowly missing a street sign and made another attempt to get around the roundabout. The next day, when I attempted to get home, literally metres away from where I park the car, on the top of a small, yet steep hill, my poor little car just skidded and refused to go forwards. All that effort just to see Harry Potter (incidentally, it was worth the hassle).

You see, our country would benefit from nationwide annual tyre changes. However, I'm not prepared to spend hundreds of pounds to change my tyres. And neither are you. None of us are prepared to pay even higher taxes to pay for the extra gritters on the roads. No one is going to pay even higher train fares to allow companies to spend money constantly de-icing train tracks or spend more on plane tickets to allow the airports to buy the expensive equipment.

The residents of Britain are like little spoilt children who get exactly what they want, and when Daddy says no to a jet-powered Unicorn, they have a massive paddy where they cry and shout abuse. If we don't get the exact services we desire, such as trains being pulled through the snow by a pack of huskies, penguins controlling the traffic or being carried to the shops on the back of a polar bear, we start shouting abuse. Well, you know what: Tough shit. How old are you? Exactly! You should be old enough to know that life isn't fair.

However, we are now at the festive season people like to refer to as 'Christmas'. It snows every Christmas. It has snowed for every Christmas since the alleged birth of Jesus Christ. What do you mean no it hasn't? It does. What, you calling me a liar are you now? I promise you, it is a metrological fact that it does snow every single Christmas! I can prove this with heavy persuasion. In every fantasy and on every program on the Television and every film in your DVD collection, it snows on Christmas Day. Forget about what really happens in real life; it does snow every single Christmas Day, without fail. Without snow, people don't believe it is Christmas, even if it is fake snow produced by a machine just out of shot on Eastenders. You see, believe me now do we?

Anyway, I hope the snow didn't bother you too much and your plans for Christmas haven't been ruined by the slight dusting of snow.

Merry Christmas, Season Greetings, I hope Yule get everything Yule desire and that Yule don't get a paper cut from the wrapping paper.

My Comedy Nights Reviewed 2010

Just like last year, I have spent the past few months watching comedy shows and laughing until I forget my problems, instead of concentrating on my A-levels. Every time I have gone to the local, small theatre in Canterbury called 'The Gulbenkian'; a lovely, small place. Where ever you sit, you still feel as if you're too close to guy on stage. I think it is probably the meaning of an 'intimate gig'. This year, I only went on three occasions; Paul Zerdin, Ardal O'Hanlon and Jeremy Hardy.

Firstly, I went to see Paul Zerdin on his Spongefest tour in mid-September with a friend. It is very interesting to think that he is the most popular, active Ventriloquist in the UK currently, and yet, a lot of people don't recognise his name. Every time I told someone that I was going to see him - they would just look at me blankly. I would then go on to explain that he is 'the one who has the baby'. What followed was people going 'Oh yeah, him', but I'm not sure whether that was to just shut me up or not.

Anyway, he had a female magician, Mandy Muden as his warm-up act, and she was brilliant. One reviewer called her 'A sexy Tommy Cooper but without a fez', which is a shame because I think she'd have looked lovely with a fez. Anyway, the reason for the comparison is that she was very good at comedy and pretending to be rubbish at magic. We, as seems to be the norm when I go to see comedy, were sat near a heckler. He was soon put into his place by her and was no longer the 'cocky bastard' everyone thought of him to be.

Paul Zerdin then came on, after being introduced by 'The Voice Of The Balls' (National Lottery) and Nigel Havers (that posh one who left 'I'm A Celebrity...') through recorded sound bites. Impressive start. If I were to be brutally honest, I was slightly disappointed by his lack of new material. However, it didn't matter and he was amazing. He has three puppets. His most popular one seems to be Sam. He also had Sam's Grandfather called Albert and a baby called... Well, Baby. The reason why it was brilliant seeing him live was because of the fact it was an 18+ event. It is one thing to see a ventriloquist, but to see it all X-rated with swearing is truly amazing. One review of him which I read said he were 'A ventriloquist for the South Park generation', which he so definitely is! Seeing an old man puppet shouting "She's gagging for it" is certainly very funny.

Forgetting the puppets; Paul Zerdin is so very talented. He has the ability to use his voice to devastating effects, such as being able to echo the characters voice without his lips moving the slightest millimetre. He also has created great real life scenarios in which he could use his skills; for example to freak people out in a non-speaking elevator, walking past pregnant ladies and while watching Lobsters boil. If you have the chance to see Paul Zerdin and all his sponge friends, I strongly suggest you grab the chance with both your hands. Just a tip though - if you're ugly, don't sit on the front row - he will pick on you, throughout, constantly. I'm just saying...

The second show I saw was just a week later; Ardal O'Hanlon. This is a man who I have admired and watched on TV for many years, since I was young. In fact, it is easy to say that he is one of the four people who probably created the person I am today. Ronan Atkinson, John Cleese, Richard Wilson and Ardal O'Hanlon are those four men. Imagine my excitement at seeing that he would be coming to a theatre near me soon. I had to go and see him. With another friend, I did.

I have his last stand up tour on DVD. I love it. It is one of my favourite stand-up shows I have on DVD. I will just say this; it is a bloody good job that I do love it, because about 60% of the material he does on his latest tour, is material he done on his previous tour. It doesn't change the fact that I loved it and laughed the entire way through. He did change some of the punch lines, so it adds a bit of variety. Mind you, it is a bit like going to see your favourite bands really. You go to see them to hear them perform your favourite songs live, so why should it be any different comedy? I went to see him live, and he done some of my favourite jokes and also some new stuff, which was equally as funny.

The Irishman was very popular with the folk of Canterbury and I in fact saw numerous people I knew, including my favourite primary school and my family doctor. O’Hanlon had the audience eating out of his hands, metaphorically of course. It would be a completely different show if weren't metaphorically. Anyway, at every joke he told, people were howling (or in the case of my primary school teacher, cackling) with laughter.

Whether I had heard them or not, his jokes were fantastic. He is completely different to the likes of Michael McIntyre and more an Irish version of Lee Evans, but less sweaty. His humour is some of the most observant one can hear and is thoroughly enjoyable. If you haven't heard any of his stand up before, then great, fantastic. Go and see him and you will laugh until your lungs hurt. If you have seen his material, and really liked it, then still go and see it, but you don't need someone like me patronising you and telling you what you already know. The man is a genius, even if he may not sound or look it.

Exactly two months later, on the final day of November, I went to see Jeremy Hardy with the same friend. This was slightly new territory for me. Previously I've only really seen comedians that I have watched or listened too and really enjoyed. I've heard him a little bit on Radio 4 and seen him on occasion on Qi. I liked what I'd seen, so I was looking forward to it. Me and my friend did seem to drastically bring down the average age of the audience however. I could easily say I was the youngest person in the audience, being just a mere 18.5 years old.

30th of November was the first day of the 'treacherous' snow in Kent, so it started half hour late due to him being a few hours late. This had put him in a bad mood. His comedy was more just satire. It was as if I had gone to University to do a degree in ranting; two, hour stints of him just standing on stage, lecturing us about the new ConDem Government, social media and lots more. He started off in an unplanned rant about the weather and the state of travel.

Just in case you do go and see him after he's had a miserable journey to your town, be warned, he is asthmatic. Never would I have thought that I would go to a comedy show to see a comedian need to use their asthma pump. Mind you, I never thought I would see a comedian ask the audience for a tissue, but he done that too. It is for those reasons as well as the intimate surroundings and relaxed attitude of the audience that I think this wasn't a stand up show. This was most definitely a man lecturing a group of a few hundred people about his views upon current politics.

Was Jeremy Hardy worth risking my life for to driving home at 11pm in the thick, icy snow on untreated roads? Yeah, I really enjoyed it. He was different to the other comedians purely because it seemed more conversational, albeit coming only from one side. Others do this whole routine that they have done time and time again. I'm sure that is what Jeremy done too, but it is less obvious. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

If you were putting a gun to my head and forcing me to pick one of the comedians I saw as a favourite, I would have to be shot; right in between the eyes. I couldn't pick. They are all completely different and unique in their different ways: Paul Zerdin with his puppets making rude innuendos, Ardal O'Hanlon with observational humour and one of my childhood heroes, and Jeremy Hardy with satirical lecturing. All were brilliant. However, made to choose between all the comedians I've seen in my life, I would still say Lee Mack, who I saw last year and reviewed in last year’s 'My Comedy Nights Reviewed' blog.

I have no idea what next year has install for me comedy wise, but so far, I know I am seeing Milton Jones again in January, so expect another blog reviewing that experience...

February: Love Month (Apparently)

The shortest month of the year has been and gone confined to the history books as the second snowy month of 2010. February consists of Pancake Day, a day which everyone eats Pancakes surprisingly. Why only on this day, I don't know. Then February also has 'Valaween' hidden in the middle of it. Just in case you were wondering, I got no late Valentine's Cards, so that is another year of receiving (and sending) none. I look forward to yet another year of having my Facebook Status set to 'Single'.

Snow played yet another big part in this the month of February as it did in January, and yet again every moaned about it. They say we had the coldest winter since 1979 and the news was quick to show us yet more images of our nation suffering. Whether it was of monkeys sitting in the snow in a zoo or a tractor ironically being stuck in the snow after trying to pull a car out of a ditch, we had to be constantly told how much devastation this is causing us Brits. Last year, experts predicted Swine Flu to be the worst thing to affect us this winter, with it potentially killing millions, but instead it was the snow. Who could've seen that coming? Well, you would have thought the people at the Met Office.
Would you believe that it is the job of people at the Met Office to predict the weather so we can prepare ourselves? Yet, every time they seem to fail. A good use of money I think - paying people to do a job wrong. Mind you, if we pay our bankers millions of pounds for losing our money, why shouldn't we pay them to not do their job properly either. It seems our country is full of failures, and yet the Daily Mail still wonder why we have foreigners doing our jobs. Maybe it is because they are more competent - just a guess.
While I am on the subject of competence, let’s go back a few weeks ago (To Valentine's Day infact) when there was a smashing interview between a twatting tit and an unpopular growth. Yes, I am referring to the Piers Morgan/Gordon Brown interview on ITV 1. Now I am sure that you are aware of my dislike of Piers Morgan, so you can imagine my surprise after watching an hour long show with him in it that I 'enjoyed'. Well, maybe 'enjoy' is a bit of an overstatement, but I did think it was very interesting. I believe that Mr Brown came across very well in the interview. Granted, I did spend a majority of the interview just being mesmerised by the skin of Gordon Brown's neck and maybe that is what hypnotised me into liking him.
I think the Scot answered all the questions exactly right, despite Piers Morgan asking him really inappropriate questions which no-one wants to know the answer to. Why should I want to know 'How many girls Gordon Brown slept with while at University’? This was a political interview, not Loose Women! The overall interview was near on 3 hours, so it makes you wonder how awful the other 2 hours of stuff was, but that is the positive of editing I suppose. Alistair Campbell (Incidentally, I met his wife at the beginning of February - Fiona Millar - Thanks Mr Karnavas!) and Gordon Brown must be very happy with the outcome of the interview, and I do truly believe that the interview has actually helped Brown's election chances. However, if I'm 18 before the elections, I will still vote Conservative, but at least he tried.
The Winter Olympics happened in Vancouver, Canada during February as well. It became slightly hard for me to watch after that guy died while practicing for the Luge, so I didn't watch much after the first few days. However, I was pretty addicted to it before that happened and I did become quite the expert in Short Hill Ski Jumping as well as the Speed Skiing. How well did Britain do? Shockingly bad as usual. You would have thought with all the snow we have had, we could have done better. The medal we did though was a gold one.
That medal was one for us by a Miss Amy Williams. She competed in the 'Bob Skelton' which is essentially laying front first on a toboggan while going around a bobsleigh track head-first. It seems like quite scary stuff, and luckily I did actually watch this. A positive of them laying front first is that you can see their rear ends very well. The comment I made while watching her being hurtled around the track by the G-Forces for her winning run was that she had a very nice arse. I am not lying either, it is a VERY nice arse that Amy Williams has.
I think we all know that John Terry would have liked it also. Just in case you are not aware due to being trapped on a desert island with no contact to civilisation, he has been accused of sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend. Yes, it does seem like something that would be found on the Jeremy Kyle show. John Terry cheated on his own wife with the girlfriend of his former best friend and England Teammate. For some reason, Wayne Bridge has pulled out of the England Football team due to it. I wonder why?
Then of course you have the Cheryl Cole/Ashley Cole saga. What is it with footballers and their ability to 'score away from home' (a nice football based pun for you)? My theory is that they get paid too much to do sod all. They train in the morning and nothing the rest of the day. They have all that money, all that fame and the ball skill (two in one paragraph; look at me go). They have the ability to seduce any woman, so they do, despite how utterly gorgeous their 'WAG's are.
However, you can't talk about failing marriages without mentioning Katie Price, or whatever she is calling herself these days. It was only a few weeks since I wrote a blog about Katie Price's latest gossip and already it seems to be out dated. She and Alex got married in Las Vegas. Then there was talk they were getting divorced. Then talk of him wanting to adopt Peter Andre's children. Then talk that he gets no say in the marriage and that Katie 'wears' the trousers in the house. Then more talk about them getting divorced. Then I am being told that they are happily in love.
I am just confused. I try to use as little brain power as possible when it comes to trying to solve what is happening in modern pop culture because I have better and more important things to waste my time thinking about, like whether I want Cheese or Egg Sandwiches for lunch. However, trying to figure out Katie Price's love life is just confusing. However, this does trigger the question - why do we as a nation care?

Now, I apologise for being a day late in posting this blog 'End of the Month' blog. The reason for this is that I had a mad spasm of a social life. I was actually out and having fun which meant I had no time to write the blog. My weekend consisted of sleeping on a bed with more people than the bed was originally designed for then a sofa, as well as drinking alcohol (I am part of the statistic of underage drinkers, but then who isn't?) and eating far too much cake. However, I would describe the weekend as 'Brilliant', 'Much Needed', 'Extraordinary Fun' and also 'One Of My Best Yet'. If I may be slightly cheesy and ruin this angry persona I seem to have going, Thanks Guys for a great couple of days, and I hope you had a great time Emily.

Anyway, onwards with March. I predict that this month will bring more devastation, more marital conflict, more crap telly, and also the celebration of a year without an unloved celebrity...

January In The News

January is all but gone now, the first month of the decade and it has been quite a busy one for the news to catch up with. First there was the ordeal of Jonathan Ross leaving the BBC in June, Jordan having a few of her ex partners locked in a house for a few weeks, an Earthquake in a country which not many people can point out on a map of the world, Cadbury's becoming American, one of the worst ever shows starting: Take Me Out, and of course the most recent, the announcement of the Apple iPad. Here comes another long blog.

Remember when it snowed a few weeks ago? Well do you remember when news programs had trouble squeezing in the shocking news that Jonathan Ross was quitting the BBC? This is the man who they moaned had a salary which was higher than his worth and was a 'waste of license payer’s money'. However, now he going the media loves again. They had forgotten that 15 months ago they had him suspended for his apparently 'shocking' and 'offending' comments him and Russel Brand left on Andrew Sach's answer machine. Who would have guessed the media was so hypocritical?

Anyway, now the main talk is about who will be replacing him on his Friday Night slot? I personally think that the BBC will replace him with him Katie Price. She, like Ross, can talk for ages about any old piece of rubbish and I bet she's cheaper. They would have to change the name to 'Any Night With Katie Price' however. Speculation was that Graham Norton would replace him, but of course 'Four Poufs and a Piano' would have leave. The BBC doesn’t want to turn Friday nights into 'Gay Night'; there is a limit to how much lubricant the BBC can buy...

Anyway, that’s enough with the jokes that would make Jan Moir proud, and onwards to the more serious topic of the Haiti earthquake. Nearly two weeks ago it happened and it is still getting media coverage. Usually journalists tend to get tired of stories like these after a while so they stop reporting about them and pretend they never happened. The Earthquake has killed hundreds of thousands of people, and the death toll keeps rising, but still there are heart-warming stories of people being found alive under giants heaps of rubble. It is quite amazing really.
You may have noticed that I've all-of-a-sudden turned serious, but of course there are not many jokes to be made from a tragic event such as this. However, there is one. Simon Cowell (or God as he prefers close friends and relatives to call him) has created not only a single, but an album of songs dedicated to saving Haiti, which includes many famous stars singing with all the profits of course going to the devastated country. Haiti better appreciate all the crap we have to listen to for them.

Celebrity Big Brother started and ended this month. Again, like most years, I've watched not one minute of the program and yet I know so much thanks to friends talking about it in my presence and reading the newspapers and listening to the radio. Vinnie Jones was the favourite to win for a majority of the series as he claimed to be the only one in the house who had a normal, down-to-earth lifestyle. This was said without any irony apparently as only a few hours later he said 'Aren't house keepers and pool cleaners expensive?'. Yeah, good way to represent the common folk.
It turned out he didn't win but instead Katie Price’s ex. You know the one she dated after her and Pete split up. He's the one that is 'famous' for cross dressing. That's right, Alex Reid. He really does not deserve the title as a celebrity just because he had relations with Katie Price, I mean if every single man she'd dated was a celebrity the newspapers would be enormous.
They wouldn't be too big for the iPad though. That's right, Apple's new invention which is set to revolutionise life as we know it. I read all about it in the paper on Thursday, in which they were saying you could read newspapers, magazines and book electronically. Yeah, that is really what we need. For years I've wanted to read a newspaper without it actually being on paper and now Apple have come to the rescue. Incase you didn't notice, that was sarcasm.
It has been described as the iPhone on steroids. What people don't realise is that the man holding it is actually only a foot tall, so that makes it look a lot taller than it really is. It has been hailed as something inbetween the iPhone and the iMac, with its tablet function meaning that no longer will you have to operate a laptop with the hassle of having to press 'buttons'.
Here are some facts which you may not know about the iPad. Well, you will know them if you follow me on Twitter, but if you don't here are a few facts no-one knows.

• The Apple Tablet actually contains the antidote to save the life of Snow White after she has eaten the poisoned apple.
  
• The Apple iPad will be able to breed with other iPad's and together they will have a little iPod Shuffle which will one day grow into an iPod Classic.
  
• The iPad can kill all bacteria and viruses, including the 0.1% which even the best cleaning products can't kill. It can also clean a penny in under 10 seconds, much faster than Cilit Bang.
  
• The product can make even the prettiest girl look just like Susan Boyle, assuming you throw it hard enough at their face.

I'm sure have also heard that Cadbury's is no longer British. Bloody American's, coming over here and buying our companies. Kraft were the lucky people to get their cheesy hands onto the recipe for making our nations beloved Dairy Milk. Kraft own many other food companies with a list including Ritz biscuits, Oreo biscuits, Philadelphia cheese spread, Capri Sun drinks, Kenco Coffee, Toblerone and many more. Bet you didn't know that. Kraft own quite a lot of products which you will find somewhere in your Kitchen. Will this mean that this time next year we will be eating 'Philadelphia Chocolate Spread' and 'Chocolate covered Ritz biscuits'? Probably not, but we can dream.
Cadbury's were sold because of financial problems. This is worrying considering that a few days later the Government announced that we are officially out of the recession. What does this mean for everyone though? Not a lot, infact probably nothing. A 0.1% increase is hardly going to change anything dramatically. Interest rates will still remain low, tax will remain high and it will still be hard for the average person to get a loan.

In January a show called 'Take Me Out' was unleashed onto our screens by ITV as well. The basic format of the show is for a variety of thirty single woman who range from being stupid to damn right morons, big to small and from Twins to a woman who has no teeth. These girls stand behind a podium while a man comes down the ‘Love Elevator’ and spends 5 minutes being an ignorant twit while these 'lovelies' judge him. Essentially it is Blind Date for people aren't smart enough to think up three questions and are much more desperate for a 'quickie'.
It's an awful show, mind you; it doesn't stop me watching it. The reason for that though is probably because I'm single and therefore I am usually at home feeling sorry for myself on a Saturday evening. I would hate to go that show. The women on there are enough to make me realise that being single is a positive thing if there are people like them about. I would happily give up my life to avoid having to spend an hour in a pub in their company while trying to think up small talk. It would be my idea of hell. Awfully, addictive telly, that's what it is. The adverts should come with a health warning.

Finally, the snow. I've written a blog about the recent snow, so I'm not going to repeat myself, but two weeks after it melted and all disappeared, we're all still talking about how this winter has been the worst for thirty years. Channel Four felt the need to put an hour-long program on Saturday night (30th January) in which described snow. They explained the difference between 'sticky' and 'dry' snow. The kind we suffered a few weeks ago was the sticky stuff apparently (no jokes, please). The show then had a very inconclusive conclusion (I know, sounds confusing) in which they said it was probably caused by climate change, but don't agree it was, before going on to say that we should spend Millions of pounds on proper snow clearing equipment, but then saying we shouldn't because it would be waste of money. This made for a pointless show.

Next, it is February - the shortest month of the year. What will it bring us? They predict more snow, but I hope not. We also have Valentine’s Day (or Valeween as I am referring to it as from now on) on the 14th. Will something big happen like an apocalyptic flood? Will February be a good month or a bad one? We shall have to wait and see...

The Snow-Pocalypse

Snow? That white stuff that falls from the sky and lands on the ground so we can build snowmen and throw snowballs. Last week? Country grinding to a halt? Roads not being gritted? People crashing their cars as a result of the snow? Thousands of schools being cancelled? People being stuck in their homes? A shortage of food in some areas? Over a foot of the stuff? Nope, no-one told me about. You would have thought a thing like that would at least be mentioned on the news.

I'm only yanking your chain and 'having you on'. Of course I remember the snow. How could I not? My retina's are still burnt after the light glaring off it blinded me everytime I walked past the window. I still walk out the door and see mounds of the stuff on fields and by the roads where men dressed in scarves and hats once stood proudly. Down in Kent we had almost a foot of the white stuff and for an entire week people moaned endlessly about it.

I'm blaming the snow for me failing my driving test. Technically it didn't affect me at all, but I feel left out not having something to moan about. I missed one day of school as a result of the snow, which wasn't that bad considering how bad the news made it sound. If I sat and watched the news I would be Agoraphobic by now. You would think there were viscous polar bears wondering the streets and lurking around every corner was an angry penguin holding a deadly bomb which would destroy the Earth. It was snow, not the apocalypse. I think it is pretty amazing how a beautiful white landscape can strike such fear into people. Do you think people who live in places like Switzerland look out the window every morning clutching a cross praying for their lives to be spared? No - they live with it.

Nick Griffin must have cried with delight when he opened his curtains on the morning of the initial snowfall to realise his dream of a white Britain had finally come true. He must have felt the same excitement of every eight year old child. If I was eight and saw that there was an entire foot of snow outside, chances are I would be frothing at the mouth after collapsing to ground at the single thought of all the wonderful things I could do in the snow. I could build an Igloo, maybe a giant snowman which would come to life or make snow angles. I could make the worlds the largest snowball and throw it at my mate so he was paralysed for the rest of his life. Oh, that would be sooo cool. Of course I'm not eight though. I'm seventeen with exams to pass and a life to continue to try and live. My first thought upon seeing the weather man forecast snow was "Well that's going to be a bugger isn't it."
It has become the coldest winter on record for 30 years with more snow expected in the next few days. A few years ago I would love this fact and praying every night that it does snow. It's just a palaver now I'm mature; which is kind of depressing really. Didn't get much snow when I was young enough to enjoy it, and now, if anything, I don't want it to snow. Sure, it is pretty and has given me plenty of perfect images to add to my photography coursework, but still it doesn't feel me excitement.

Our nation becomes so obsessed with snow when it does finally come. I counted the word 'snow' being said 54 times in one half hour news show. Now, that is just a ridiculous amount of times. Every ten minutes the man on the news or the radio would be warning us not to travel unless it was strictly necessary. However, news teams across the country rushed out into the snow to make a live link to prove it is actually snowing outside of London. Up north, they got so desperate for news that the local news station actually went to a village which had no snow. Every news station had images and videos of people slipping and face-planting the pathment. They had footage of cars struggling to drive up a steep hill and having to reverse down. Images of hundreds of cars parked up by the side of the road where people had given up. It the news images looked like a scene from BBC One's Survivor's, or maybe one of the Doctor Who episodes where the Master comes along and something awful happens to man-kind; just before The Doctor comes on to save us once again. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, but that's how extreme it looked.
The news was quick to report that a policeman went sledging down a hill with his riot shield. Now I personally think that is very inventive and indeed that man should go on the next series of Dragons Den. Instead, he and his fellow police officers who joined him got reprimanded. This is how our nation got the reputation of being boring, strict people. It was only a bit of fun.
Then on every news show, there was a poor reporter standing at some Gritting Depot to say that they're working through the night to grit the roads and there were 'Dwindling supplies'. In fairness, there isn't a great deal of fun to be had from Gritting Depot's. No-one cares about them during the summer, so just because it's snowing slightly outside, these people become our saviours and when they can't grit one small, unused street, we tell them they're useless. How unappreciative are we as a nation?
Then we constantly moan at the weather forecasters who keep predicting the weather 6 months in advance incorrectly. To be honest, that has got to be one of the worst things to try and predict. Why do we want to know what the weather is going to be in six months time anyway? People lived perfectly fine 20 years ago before we could it. It seems like a waste of time to me really. This is effectively trying to predict the future, and fortune tellers have a reputation for not being accurate. However, they do try and again, we show no appreciation for them trying. The same as we show no appreciation for the postman that still delivers the post in his shorts. If Rugby players think they're men, then they should try getting up at 5 in the morning in the snow to deliver bills.

Everytime it snows as well, people moan about how our country pathetically grounds to halt when it snows because we see how America cope with much more snow than us, and places like Switzerland cope with it all the time. The idea of their airports closing, trains breaking down and people taking the day of work seems ridiculous to them. Kids still manage to go to school despite the fact they've had to tie tennis rackets to their feet. It is ridiculous in comparison to them, but how often do we get snow like this. Not very often, and if Global Warming isn't a myth (which I believe it is to a certain respect) then we won't have to deal with snow for much longer anyway. I reckon we should just stop moaning and enjoy the snow when it comes. Stop being such boring people Britain and embrace the next round of apocalyptic snow.

I did see two brilliant things during the snow however. They both prove how rude and immature we can be when given the chance. The first was a giant erect penis which had been constructed in someone's front garden. Not only that, but disturbingly they went to a great deal of effort to make it look realistic, let's put it that way. The other was a snowman with a carrot and two lumps of coal like most traditional snowmen. However, these were not in the traditional place, and where infact put in a position to resemble a certain part of a man's lower anatomy. Such humour our nation when it snow, but as soon as it melts, everyone goes back to their BMW's, a suit and a briefcase to continue life as a mature adult.

I don't want to grow up.

Here is a video of a man slipping on the ice on an Irish News program.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CT0a-Hgumo