10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 10-6)

I have lived in Britain for nearly 18 years, infact since the day I was born, and I've always been quite negative of the country. That is not to say that there is nothing positive to say about Britain, because there is. I am lucky enough to live in one of the richest countries in the world which is also a democracy (however, both of those could be easily argued against). The country has a great education system, a health system which entitles everyone to free treatment (to an extent) and has a rich and vibrant history which includes playing numerous key roles in world changing events, like 9/11.
If you are lucky enough to be able to get out of the polluted cities, you are welcomed by the smell of horse manure in the country, and despite its smell, is a beautiful and colourful place with plastic bags and burnt Ford Fiesta's. Yes, Britain has lots of positive, but it has far too many negatives which out-weigh these dwindling positives. Of course, I would love to throw away my education to spend all my time naming and describing every negative about Britain, but instead I have created the top 10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing.

10. Channel 4 Showing The Simpsons
We all remember the time many years ago when BBC 2 stopped showing The Simpson's and Fresh Prince Of Bell-Air. It was horrendous. Was a terrible moment for any Simpson fan that was not lucky enough to have Sky. Millions of people had nothing to do in that 45 minute slot. Then Channel 4 came and saved us all. A compromise was that we had to put up with, was adverts, but we soon adjusted and loved the fact that The Simpsons were now back on our televisions at 6pm. However, I think it is time we rebelled. I cannot be the only one who is sick of seeing the same Simpson episode every month. Sure, they're good, but a bit of variety would be lovely. Why can't they show The Simpsons like they show Friends and Scrubs: Start from the very beginning and work their way through every series. It would be fantastic. It has been years since I have seen some of the episodes, and anything from series 14 onwards I've not seen. This is one reason why life in Britain is depressing - so much repetitiveness of popular things. Sort it out please Channel 4 - I beg you!

9. Our Country And Technology
You are probably more than aware that recently the whole world went into shutdown as flights got cancelled by a natural phenomenon. The news spent 6 days constantly reporting about how Britain was facing big problems because of this, like Chris Moyles being stranded in New York. However, Britain is bad for living without technology. A small power cut can close all the shops in the high street because people can't pay by card. We moan when we have a slow Internet connection and have to update our Facebook status to tell everyone; well once the page loads anyway. People have also become so addicted to their phones that should they leave their phone at home, the entire's day conversation is devoted to mentioning it. 10 years ago not many people had Mobile Phones and had to use those ancient and now rare red boxes. You have to admit, slightly pathetic that people in Britain cannot survive like their ancestors did, just for an hour.
Our country also seems to be very reluctant to repair anything. Over a week ago my camera lens broke and I thought it quite a basic thing to get repaired. No, I'd have to spend at least £60 to send it to China to be repaired and then pay for parts. It would also take at least 6 weeks. CHINA! We complain about unemployment levels and I have to send my camera to CHINA to get repaired. It eventually works out cheaper to just buy a new one. However, then we complain that we throw away too much plastic and other un-biodegradable products. If we fixed things, it wouldn't happen. Then of course, you cannot fix anything yourself because that then cancels the warranty, so instead you have to pay a fat block in a jumpsuit £70 an hour to look at the broken nut in the Washing Machine, before he tut's and announces he cannot replace the nut.
What is with our country, technology and fixing nothing. It is a poor state of affairs that separates our generations. If anything goes wrong, my Grandad will take the product into his garage and tinker with everything until he finally sorts the problem. Usually, he'll cause other problems in the process, but he tries to repair things and gets his hands dirty. His mind knows how to fix things. You take a twenty-something now and give them the task of repairing a dishwasher, they'll just go to Comet and buy another one. I have gotten into the great habit of taking things apart myself and repairing them before consulting a professional. People will never learn, so Britain - please at least try and make an effort to replace a broken bolt before spending £300 on a new Washing Machine.

8. Complaining About EVERYTHING
No-one is perfect, and this is something that we as human beings have evolved to accept and work around. However, us Brits have developed a reputation for always complaining, drinking tea constantly and wearing suits and bowler hats. Well, I'm British, don't like tea, not worn many suits and only warn bowler hats as a joke. However, as this blog reiterates, I like to complain. You usually cannot go more than a day or so without being behind a woman in a shop complaining that the cheap shoes she brought were not very good. Then everyone complains about the Government. Everything in our society is their faults if idiots are to be believed - and they should not be believed. You can't blame Gordon Brown for the potholes. He is not responsible for the weather which caused it or the bad workmanship. Sure, he's far from perfect, but still.
Everything costs too much, no-one can get a job, a natural phenomenon meaning people cannot travel for a few days, people work too many hours, the police do their job too well, the police do not do their job well enough, there is nothing good on telly and life just being generally unfair are some of the complaints I have heard this week. To be honest, get over it. That is life, and complaining will not do any good. Neither will writing a scarcely read blog, but that is my own problem. I just think we complain far too much and do not realise how lucky we are. You have to admit, they are pretty mundane things. When someone starts complaining they're living on the street, with no food or money then I will let them. Otherwise, would all be kind enough to tone down the complaints?

7. British Entertainment
We live in a country where BBC 3 rules if you're under 27; a channel where awful and utterly unhilarious comedy is shown (with the occasional exception). Coming Of Age - How awful! It is a show with unimaginative characters which all conform to a stereotype of 'typical' teenage life with awful storylines. Do not get me started on their bad innuendo's and sex jokes either. I like to think myself pretty good at those sorts of jokes and also think I could write much better and funnier jokes (and have). Snog, Marry, Avoid is also an awful show in which they get some slapper to stand infront of the camera and look disgusting before they are tidied up to look respectable and cleared their face of plaster. Essentially, it is what you would get if you crossed Gok Wan and Frankie Boyle together or something like that. Then of course you have ITV 2, ITV's answer to BBC 3 where they try to appeal to the younger adults/teenagers by showcasing their stupid and pathetic humour. Keith Lemon? Well I've seen dog poo funnier than him. Then well, the less said about ITV 2 showing Katie Price’s life on TV, the better I think.
Over The Rainbow is quite an awful show too. Obviously trying to compete against Simon Cowell, Andrew Lloyd-Webber has developed a knack for shouting at the girls and putting them down at every opportunity. Also, what is with the man and hugging their shoes when they get evicted as well? Someone go to Oxfam and buy him some second hand shoes - this man clearly has a fetish. I do not quite get how getting a group of girls to sing Robbie Williams songs will help in casting the perfect person for the part of Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz.
Films and everything else now, have to be in 3D. To be honest, I spend my entire life in the three dimensional world, what if I enjoy escaping to a 2D world where Dragons do not coming flying past me? Also, what if I do not want to put glasses on every time I want to watch a film? Everything is classed as 'the best film released so far this year'. By that logic, you would expect a film being released in December to be better than one released in January, but really, they're just as crap as the next. I am not a film fan, due to having a short attention span. I get bored. I want to play with my phone or talk half way through. However, it is hard to go to the cinema to watch a British film, because they are not very common. The American's rule the roost and every British film is classed as an independent movie and it just makes it sound crap before you even read the title of the movie.
Then music. That too is pretty awful. Thanks to shows like Pop Idol and X-Factor, and the social networking site MySpace, we now live in a world where anyone can record music. As long as you have access to some form of recording equipment, you can record your music and put it on the Internet in the vain hope that some big music producer stumbles upon it. Due to this, the radio is now full of new music which is exactly the same and badly produced. There is even a song with electronic whistling. What the heck is with that, could they not find anyone with the ability to whistle in the entire building? Then you have the latest trend of new artists covering old songs, and ruining them. Let's take Don't Stop Believin' by Journey as an example. A song very unpopular when originally released, but thanks to Glee and Joe McElderry it became a modern popular hit. However, the song has been ruined. Glee is an American TV series, in which they try to see how many classic songs they can murder in one hour, whilst scattering the show with a complicated plot. Songs they have killed include Somebody To Love - Queen, Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police, Imagine - John Lennon, Hello - Lionel Richie, Give You Hell - All American Rejects and so many more. This is a show that should come with warning before every episode: "This program is not suitable for people who like music". I get on my knees and beg Britain, please stop watching these awful shows, seeing these movies with the same plotline and listening to modern music. If people stop consuming them, people will stop making them and the circle of crap will be stopped.

6. Love

Yet again I am mentioning in a blog that I remain single, and have ever since I started this blog. I have witnessed many people fall in and out, and then back into love before you have even had the chance to say 'There are plenty more fish in the sea'. Infact, it seems to be all I do; watch people fall in and out of love. It gets annoying. I get fed up of girls saying 'Men are such pricks' or something along those lines. One might point out, no they are not, and it’s just the ones you choose. Going back to my earlier point of us living in a disposable world, love in Britain seems to be one of them. If it's too hard to fix, then give up, throw it away and start again. Love is not really love. Love has become to mean infatuated, and now love is no longer a strong enough word to explain the strong emotions that are associated with marriage and growing old together.

Then there is an obsession to always be in a relationship amongst the younger adults. I don't like to fit into this mould (or is the excuse I use) of switching from relationship to relationship. Relationships in this country seem to be a fashion accessory, and if you don't have one then you do not fit in. I unfortunately have been forced into the cynical opinion and no longer seem to have the ability to 'like' people in that way, and this was all started because of this modern culture we find ourselves in, in Britain. If you have marriage problems, the answer now seems to be to have an affair then go on Jeremy Kyle. So please people of Britain, stop having a new relationship every other day and also, would you mind not rubbing it in my face that you're in love and I'm not - I'm getting slightly jealous of you all and my depression is slowly increasing as a result.

And so you have it, the first five reasons why life in Britain is so depressing. It mainly escalates from my own personal opinions of everything and personal experiences. I looked forward to my daily dose of Simpson's but now I feel like I'm suffering from Déjà vu every time I put on Channel Four at 6PM. I weep when I look at my old camera and think of all the memories we had together and remember that we live in country which no longer fixes anything. I get angry every time I complain about being angry, and thus a paradox has been created, which all started because Jade Goody and Katie Price annoying me a few years ago. I feel sorrow when I put the TV on to get distracted from my depressing day in Britain and try to escape for a few hours of entertainment, to find such a thing no longer exists on our island. The less said about how I feel about love the better I think. Let's just say - I'm getting none of it and it has become tiring and depressing.

Hopefully the second part of this blog, containing the top 5 reasons why life in Britain can be depressing, will be posted towards the end of the week.

The New Regeneration Of Doctor Who

Not only has the Doctor himself regenerated, but so has the entire show with a completely new cast, new sets, a new theme tune, and a new writer. This blog is hardly anything original, as already the Internet is filled with thousands of people wanting to share their thoughts and feelings about the first episode the new series of Doctor Who, with Matt Smith. I, like many, thought that the new series would be rubbish and unsuccessful. It is essentially a completely different program now seeing as everything has changed from the last series, and it had a lot to achieve and live up to in the first 64 minute program. However, did it achieve this?

It most certainly did, and I think I may even say that it is better. David Tennant was a great Doctor and was possibly one of the most popular Doctors yet, but in my opinion he became too emotional. You watch the old episodes of Doctor Who with Tom Baker, Peter Davidson, Jon Pertwee or whoever, you will never see them in emotional scenes which break the audience’s hearts. Some will argue that was a good thing, others will insist it was a bad thing. In keeping with Doctor Who tradition, it was a bad thing, but for appealing to the modern audience, it was a good thing. Matt Smith, on the basis of his one episode, looks like a traditional, old fashioned Doctor.
He has the ideal appearance. He is the youngest actor to play The Doctor, but his unique appearance certainly makes him perfect for the role. He is a man, who looks young, but also, intriguingly, looks old. Now, seeing as he is playing a 900-something year old Time Lord, it just seems perfect. He has the right level madness too and looks like he could easily fit into Wallace And Gromit. Okay, his appearance doesn't include a random vegetable in the top pocket of his jacket (which I must say, I want), but he just seems brilliantly mad and funny. He seems to have the perfect mixture for any brilliant Doctor. Lines such as 'You're Scottish. Fry Something' made me warm to him instantly.

There are those people who will be missing David Tennant greatly, and upset that the show can carry on without him and are refusing to watch the new episodes. However, that is the spirit of Doctor Who that even after an actor has had enough and wants to move onto different projects, they can just carry on with someone else. That is why the trick of regeneration was invented, and it is quite an easy cheat to explain why someone else is playing the role. When you think about how they do it in soaps; it is much better. If an actor no longer wants to play a role in a soap, the character will usually go on holiday for 6 months and return with someone who is of a different height and looks completely different - yet everyone just accepts this.

Doctor Who also has a new writer and producer - Steven Moffat. Now, this is a man who had written and produced numerous other shows including sitcoms, and a few episodes under the reign of Russell T Davis. Also, he wrote the Comic Relief Doctor Who Special of 1999 in which Rowan Atkinson, Richard E. Grant, Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant and Joanna Lumley all play The Doctor (It is very funny and you will find a link to it at end of the blog). All this experience makes him perfect for his new writing job as it clearly shows he can do comedy with Doctor Who. Judging by the first episode, he will be a good writer, and some of his previous episodes from previous series have been some of the most popular.

The theme tune is different too, but still keeps the main structure of all previous Doctor Who theme tunes. All the theme tunes have the four beat structure, which symbolises the Time Lords heartbeat. The theme tunes from the old days, which seem to send a tingle down your spine of remembrance as the ear-piercing screeching starts, are actually very similar to today's theme tune. Sure, the last theme tune didn't evoke the same emotions, but then the new theme tune for Matt Smith, seems to go back to its roots of being dramatic and soul-churning, and personally I think that it is brilliant - and still it includes the ear-piercing sound which seems to go right through you and for some reason has become iconic of Doctor Who theme tunes - to deafen the viewer for a few moments.

Then there is a new TARDIS and Sonic Screwdriver. How brilliant they both look. Sure, the sonic screwdriver is bigger and slightly reminiscent of the toys you find in Ann Summers, but (without trying to sound like I am describing of those said toys) this new one has green lights and looks more mechanical. As for the TARDIS, well that is a thing of mechanical beauty also. It is what I would imagine a Kwik Fit would look like in Narnia. It has to be one of best interior designs the TARDIS has seen before. The TARDIS looks more mechanical than ever before, and that is exactly what it is suppose to look like, but with different levels as well just makes it look even better. Also, we may be treated to seeing the library and the swimming pool which were shown in the older episodes - a bigger TARDIS with my more rooms - promises to be a good 13 episodes.
However, with any Doctor, there has to be an assistant, and the new one is a beauty. Amy Pond is her name and on second impressions (because the first impression was of her as a brave little girl) we can conclude she has very nice legs. You have to admit that is quite the entrance for a new assistant - wearing a kissogram police uniform as she hits the Doctor over the head with a baseball bat, which she continued to wear for a majority of the show. She is played by Karen Gillan, a 22 year old Scottish girl whose only previous TV acting role was in a previous Doctor Who episode. It does seem that the younger the Doctor gets, the younger his assistants seem to get and I honestly think it won't be long before the Doctor is played by a 13 year old boy with a female companion of 8 years old; and then I'll no longer be able to say things like 'nice legs' without being questioned by the police.

Anyway, I have written quite a hefty blog so far about the new Doctor Who episode and there has been no real mention of the actual episode itself. The episode started with the TARDIS crashing through the skies of London, and was rather successful in showing how mental Matt Smith's Doctor will be. Then the scene with him eating Fish Fingers and Custard - a disgusting combination, but I'm sure it is a combination which many children have tried during their Easter Holidays and probably made them sick. I haven't tried it, but I assure you if we had Fish Fingers and Custard in the house - I probably would have been curious also.

Then you have all the Doctor’s funny, witty one liners which are again usually associated with all the legendary Doctors. The alien was quite a simple one and seemed to be so the viewer could be eased into the introductory episode. Matt Smith seemed to ease straight into his new role by jumping around and uttering the trademark gobbledegook as if he knew what it actually meant. He even used the trademark cheeky grin which both Eccleston and Tennant had. It was a brilliant Doctor Who episode and I think it promises to be a brilliant series and Smith promises to be a fantastic Doctor.

The best moment of the episode for me was on the top of the hospital towards the end when he summons back the aliens to confront them. The alien then trolls through the history of the Earth, and in the process images of all the past Doctors appeared and then at the end Matt Smith walks through, wearing what will now become his trademark smoking jacket and bow-tie. I think that was a brilliant moment of recollection and seemed like he was being officially christened and accepted into the role.
Like a lot of people, I was ready to write off the new series and I am glad I didn't because just by watching that one episode, I felt like a 10 year old child again, which is something I never felt while watching David Tennant - who was more of a serious Doctor in his final episodes. It is just this persona which Matt Smith has created for himself instantly which makes me feel this way - something which I have felt previously while watching the older episodes of Doctor Who, particularly with Tom Baker and Peter Davidson.

I feel guilty for previously thinking that Matt Smith would go into Doctor Who history like Paul McGann as a rubbish Doctor who ruined it, before seeing hardly any of his acting. I had not seen him in any previous shows to judge his acting skills, and you certainly could not do it by judging by the last minute of Tennant's final episode. However, I do honestly feel that Matt Smith has the potential to be a great Doctor, so let us hope and pray that the remaining episodes are just as good - if not better - and that I have not just given the new series all this praise falsely. If I feel I have, then be sure I'll be ready to blog my anger and disgust.

Here is to hoping that series 5 of Doctor Who will continue to be fantastically brilliant.

Click Here For The 1999 Comic Relief Episode Of Doctor Who

What Happened In March?

Not a lot really if I'm honest and I have struggled to find subjects to write about. There were no major events that will change the world in which we live in (unless you count me passing my driving test, but then that only really effects me) and it has just generally been a very slow month for news, which is why we have yet again heard so much about Katie Price and Alex Reid. Luckily in March, I completely ignored everything that was said to me about her. Like I said, nothing worth writing about has happened, so sorry if this gets slightly boring - hopefully April will be better.
Sports relief ruined our lives for a week, forcing people to do lots of sporting activities and watching hours upon hours of fundraising programs, in order to raise £31,633,091. I was ‘lucky’ as that was the week I became very ill, so I spent two days in bed for sports relief and raised sod all, whereas, across the country people made fools of themselves by dressing up or hula-hooping and done sponsored runs. You have to admire the people who did go 'the extra mile' to raise money, whether they were a celebrity or not. Whether it was a group of celebrities cycling from one side of the country to the other, Eddie Izzard running 43 marathons in 51 days, or some fat, balding presenter from The One Show shaving his beard off, they are all examples of different extremes achieved to raise money, but all worked.
I watched a huge majority of the Sports Relief coverage (purely because I was ill) and like all BBC charity shows, it was pretty rubbish and the same. The main show includes two presenters (usually an annoying pair of 'celebrities' who try very hard to have a bit of funny banter but fail, while constantly saying the number that has been on screen for 5 hours and still someone gets it wrong) in between the videos of famous people pointing at poor people why crying and the little sketches from shows that are popular at the time to neutralise the sadness. More often than not, you will find that these little sketches are rubbish, and you find yourself sitting their feeling more sympathy for those poor actors being forced to suffer like that, than the starving, dying, African with HIV. We had that again this year, for example the Ashes To Ashes sketch. However, there was one sketch, which however, was 15 minutes long and was possibly the funniest bit of telly I have seen so far this year. Of course, I am referring to James Corden's 'Smithy' sketch with various sportsmen and women.
I am not much of a fan of James Corden, and I never really got into Gavin And Stacey but even someone without a sense of humour would have to confess that his sketch was very good. Okay, it wasn't really funny because of the writing, purely for the outrageous scenes. James Corden and David Beckham in a bath - How Outrageous. James Corden training the England football team and singing with Wayne Rooney - How Outrageous. James Corden and Jenson Button celebrating together by hugging - How Outrageous. James Corden and Tom Daley diving into a swimming pool together - How Outrageous. James Corden shouting at a stadium of sports stars and telling them they need to sort themselves out - How Outrageous. It was funny because of how unbelievable the scenarios were, not for any other reason.

Also on TV towards the end of the month was 'Ask The Chancellors'. This, incase you did not watch it because you either have a life or were busy watching Coronation Street, was a program in which the Chancellors from the three major political parties stood at podiums for an hour and answered questions. The questions were asked by members of the public who sat in the audience. The suspicious people amongst us might think that Channel Four stole this format from the BBC's Question Time but I suppose that does not matter as it was quite an interesting program. I was surprised that when the show finished, I thought to myself (however, I tweeted it, so I didn’t exactly keep it to myself) that Vince Cable, from the Liberal Democrats, seemed to have the best attitude to pull us out of this economic depression.
We have more of these sorts of TV debates to come over the next month, with the election soon looming, and it is pretty obvious that the Liberal Democrats will not get into power, but Vince Cable really did not do a bad job at increasing their chances. George Osborne (Conservatives) done a pretty rubbish job, and if the show was longer than an hour, I imagine that there would be a high chance of him slipping on the pool of sweat that dripped off his face. As for Alistair Darling, well he may as well have said nothing. Infact, him and Gordon Brown might as well go on holiday for a month because any attempt they have at becoming popular seems to work the opposite way to what they intended.
Gordon Brown is expected to announce in the next few days that the election will be held on the 6th May, and because of this fact I actually do not care about the election anymore. Before, I was interested and was taking it seriously, but now I have realised that it will take place 21 days before I am 18 and allowed to vote - I could not give a crap anymore, and I was looking forward to voting as well...
The new season of Formula 1 started in March as well, and along with its return came a lot of major changes. I understand that a lot of people do not actually like it and find it very boring, but I have always found it thrilling and the highlight of my weekends. However, thus far I am disappointed. New regulations mean they have to carry a full tank of fuel and are no longer able to re-fuel during the race, and this has absolutely ruined it. One of the best times of the race used to be the pit stops and would be exciting to see whether the strategy would work for them and if so-and-so get out in front of whoever. Now it's just boring with them casually going in for a few seconds whenever they please for new tyres - they have ruined it.
Then Michael Schumacher, well I made a bet that he wouldn't win the first race (I'm £5 up), but I never realised how badly he would do. This is a man who was the greatest driver in the world, and now because he had a few years off, he is doing pretty rubbish. He should not have come back, and that is what I said when I heard he was returning. He has now pretty much ruined the persona he had before this return. He is ruined. Other than those things, it is promising to be an interesting year, but hopefully next year they will revert back to being able to re-fuel. I shall grit my teeth and bear it for now though. So far, I'm disappointed with the season.

I say not much happened during March, but rumours from the Catholic Church about priests that sexually abuse choir boys is hardly something new. However, this escalated during March with the Catholic community having to dig their way out of this rather big hole they have found themselves in. It got so bad that even the Pope had to get dressed and talk about it. Really, there are so many jokes that can be made about this subject, but none of them would be original, so I will not even bother trying. The Times did have a crack at making a joke of the whole thing. Think about it, you have a major news story about Child Sex Abuse and a journalist called 'Roger Boyes', how tempting must that have been?
Very, because the journalist who covered this news story for The Times was 'Roger Boyes'. You would have thought that someone must have thought that inappropriate in the offices, but clearly not. If it was not for that, I would have paid no attention to this story because it’s nothing new; just because German choir boys have decided to finally start telling people does not make it new news. If it was not for Twitter telling me about this, I would be ignorant to the fact The Times tried to be funny.

Then finally, Jade Goody. I was happy, yet disappointed with the media coverage she got. I wrote my usual blog slagging her and everyone who loved her off, only to find no-one really paid much notice to her anniversary. It was not that much of a big deal to the tabloid papers and ITV news paid no attention. All she got was a show on Living TV and her mum swearing on This Morning. Maybe it is just me who obsesses over her still? Either way, I'm cutting back on the Jade Goody moaning. It will no longer be something in which the name ‘Stuart Collyer’ will be associated with. I will try my very best (but of course sometimes it just is unavoidable) to not mention her name in one of my blogs again... There is no point keep crusading against someone no-one cares about anymore and doesn't actually bother people.

And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

Jade Goody: What A Smashing Year It Has Been Without Her!

It was a year ago today that Jade Goody went through those fiery gates of hell, with the molten lava flooding past her and the aroma of burnt sausages wafting around the place. I have a visual image of Hitler and Suddam Hussien holding a banner which says 'Welcome Jade Goody' at the entrance to hell, with the devil there himself, to personally welcome in his newest member to his community. With it being a Sunday, he would usually be taking a well-deserved break after a week of torturing, but after hearing about the work that this 'Goody' person had done above on Earth, he just had to meet her and congratulate her for her lifetime commitment to being annoying, loud-mouthed, media-attention-seeking, money hungry, bitch.

It seems time is not a healer, as a year later I still have this strong, and some might say 'negative' opinion towards the woman I affectionately call 'ARG, not her again'. The last week or so has been quite confusing and painful for me, thanks to her. The 22nd of March 2009 has been burnt onto my mind forever as one of the happiest days of my life and I also remember it as Mothers Day, so imagine my surprise when I found out just days before that Mothers day this year was a week earlier, on the 14th of March. I had to rush to Tesco's to buy my Mum a card and flowers, all because of that Jade Goody. I thought I was safe in the knowledge that Mothers Day would be the 21st, and that's not all.

Beyond the grave, I swear Jade Goody has not only attempted to make my Mum angry at me, but also to crash my car by cursing me with a bad leg, and also making me vomit myself to death by putting me under the spell of a virus which left me bid ridden for nearly three full days. All I suspect to stop me writing and publishing yet another anti-Goody blog. Maybe I am paranoid, but better luck next time.


I am glad Michael Jackson died last year as well, but not because I disliked him, because I didn't, but purely because it took the hype from Jade Goody. If it wasn't for him, 2009 would be the year that the people of Britain would remember as the year Jade Goody died, but thanks to his doctor killing him, he has become the big death of 2009. I bet Max Clifford was absolutely livid about it, and it is because of that image, I go to sleep happy, every single night.

There is a part in mind which is very suspicious of her whole death really, because who knows what lengths she would go to be famous and popular. Maybe she is dead, or maybe she is alive and living somewhere no-one knows of her and wouldn't recognise her (how I envy them). You may be reading this thinking 'That's a stupid idea; she isn't that idiotic and it wouldn't work'. Well, let me just remind you that this is a woman who pronounced East Anglia as 'East Angular' and thought that to be abroad. As for 'she would never get away with it', never underestimate the power that Max Clifford has.

Again, here is my paranoia (and my hatred) shinning through again, but I think it to be quite a coincidence that at the peak of her unpopularity for being a racist, she gets cancer, gains sympathy, becomes loved then dies before she can ruin it by saying yet another stupid thing. Maybe the reason I am suspicious that she could still be alive is that I miss her and want her to still be alive, because I do. I loved the days when all my Tweets were about how she had annoyed me, when all my blogs seemed to mention her and call her names and when I would come up with a new joke when I saw her face in a gossip magazine or newspaper which would either make my friends laugh or tell me 'that was harsh'. If she came back, imagine all the fun I could have with that.

Instead I have to live with Jade Goody being mentioned every single time Cervical Cancer is mentioned. Every time I read a newspaper or magazine article which is about Cervical Cancer, you can bet that her name is mentioned. Okay, I am aware that I have said this numerous times in many of my blogs and I am going to have to say it again: She done absolutely nothing of any worth. At no point during her illness did she campaign for young girls to get themselves checked out. Essentially, her dying was the best thing that could ever happen, because A) It cheered me up and B) It shocked people into getting themselves checked. All these girls only get themselves checked as a consequence of her dying, not because she tirelessly campaigned. It distresses and provokes me when people almost thank her for girls getting checked out.

Again, I should just reiterate, I am not glad she got cancer; as the cliché goes: I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I have gone yet another year of witnessing the effects that cancer has upon people, with yet another relative biting the dust as a result of it. However, another relative has had cancer and is now perfectly healthy; it really is unpredictable. I have also seen friends deal with relatives that have cancer, and it is not a good thing, and hopefully soon they will find the cure AND not making it so expensive that no-one can actually afford to be cured, as is so often the case. However, I should reiterate one more thing, I still really, absolutely dislike Jade Goody; I'm not heartless and I am actually quite a genuinely nice person, but I nether had sympathy for her!


Last night on television, there was a tribute show to someone who died last year, which I enjoyed greatly and thought it very emotional and tastefully done. That was Boyzone's Tribute To Steven Gately (R.I.P). However, on last night at the same time was 'Jade: A Year Without Her' on Living TV. I found it funny that numerous people told me about this for weeks previous. I had people Tweeting me, sending me texts, I had an email and also people telling me when they saw me in person. I think it is a great tribute to how much I hated her and how much of an impression I made upon people by doing this. I almost feel pressured into writing this blog; like I am expected to insult her by everyone because of this persona I have created, and this makes me happy. I’ve got to be good at something.

Going back to the tribute, and I could not watch it. Not just because I risked being a hypocrite if I did as it would mean not living by my own values, but for technical reasons: I don't have Sky or Virgin Media so therefore couldn't watch it due lack of the actually channel. I did read the immediate reviews of it afterwards however and also read Tweets while the show was on, and from what I gathered it was what I would call 'Poppycock' and 'Balderdash'! It was apparently a very emotional program in which many people were in or nearly in tears at. I can't help but think these people are very pathetic. Also, she was portrayed as a brilliant person from what I could gather; shown as a fantastic parent to her two children and many people fell in love with her. Essentially, Max Clifford did a good job at achieving his aim.

Obviously, a tribute show of someone's life is not going to catalogue all the persons failings in chronological order, so this was expected, but I just find it amazing how easily people forget the bad things a person done when the media pretend they didn't happen. They clearly have taken all the positive stuff from her life, such as her kids, and based the majority of the show around them for ultimate sympathy from the audience. All-of-a-sudden, all the racism and stupidity is forgotten. A parallel to this happening to a person who is actually alive is Cheryl Cole, being portrayed as this princess of modern times and the role model for millions of girls and women; yet only a few years ago a toilet attendant in a club got beaten up by her. It is blooming annoying.

I am glad that is how they made the show; I think it to be quite fitting of how she lived her life really - a liar. Anyway, I know I will have to get over her death soon and just move on with my life. I know I will have to stop using her as my 'go-to-guy' when I need an easy target to insult in conversations, Tweets and blog posts, but it is just so very hard to move on. I have tried my best, what with Katie Price being an ideal and even easier target for my insults, especially with her not knowing who her husband was last week during her interview on This Morning (Thank Goody I was ill to see that), but it just is not the same. I have all these memories of when life was great and care free. The days when I could insult a women who was dying of cancer, and still get laugh, but now I just look desperate.

There are just three other things which fill me with joy about Jade Goody’s death and also about the anniversary. The first being that my lucky number has always been the number 27, and this was proved by the fact that Jade Goody died at the age of 27. Now, to me it is more than a lucky number - it is a holy, saintly number which will bring joy to me throughout my life.

The second is sweet taste I have in my mouth while typing this very sentence. In the news yesterday was that Jackiey Budden, the mother of Jade Goody, spent the days before her daughter's memorial service yesterday on a drink and drug-induced binge in Tenerife. It is all explained how Jade became such an awful human being, and proof that the entire family are just awful human beings and should be dropped into a giant crater and left to die, like that scene in the BFG at the end.

The third is that Jade Goody being dead essentially proves that - I won. I hated her and now she is dead. I win. Maybe I'll get lucky and Katie Price's left breast will implode and kill her. For now: Stuart 1, Pop Culture 0.

Stuart's In-Car Entertainment Conundrum

What am I suppose to do for in-car entertainment when I have a dodgy radio with a tape deck that does not work and cannot afford to buy a new radio? Well, I probably could afford to buy a radio for my car, but it would mean I'd have no money for petrol to actually drive the car. This means I am left with only the radio in my car seeing, but which radio station to choose? I have absolutely no idea what to listen to in my car. I have the choice of the local Heart station, KMFM, Classic FM, Radio 1, Radio 2 and something French which only works occasionally.

Now, I cannot decide which station to tune my car radio too. Heart actually gets the best signal while driving around, so this is a positive. However, I have more than two brain cells. I am not stupid enough to listen to Heart. I have 12 GCSE's and I'm attempting A-levels. I don't plan on lowering my intelligence by listening to the same 15 songs over and over again. We can unanimously agree that the station that prides itself on having 'The Best Music Variety' actually plays some of the worst songs from the same genre. I don't like Sugababes, I've listened to so much Leona Lewis that I'm becoming paranoid that Simon Cowell is trying to brainwash me, been turned almost insane by Lady Gaga's Pokerface and I am losing my patience of Take That's song 'Patience' always being played.
My Dad has always had Heart (or Invicta as our local station used to be called) playing in the car, and I know far too much about James Hemming's personal life from listening every morning that I can't help but think I'm stalking him. You can understand that I don't want to have Heart playing every time I get in the car, and the fact that Geri Halliwell has a show on it, makes me more determined to never be associated with it. I find one of the joys of driving being that I can pick the radio station to listen too. Sure the independence is good, but I can now choose the music, and if I put Heart, it will make all that time learning to drive, wasted. So, it seems I won't be 'having a Heart' any time soon. And as for the other local station KMFM, well the same reasons apply to that, just insert different and lesser known names.

Listening to Radio 1 just makes me feel old, despite the fact I am only 17. I really am not 'hip-hop' enough to listen to that station. It does have good points about it though, with it having Chris Moyles in the morning and Scott Mills in the afternoon, both people I could easily listen to all day. Over the past few days I have had my car radio tuned to Radio 1, purely because I have enjoyed listening to Chris Moyles and the rest of the entourage while stuck in traffic on the way to school. I can even put up with a majority of the music he plays in the middle of his waffling, and I even found myself singing along to McFly - Stargirl on Friday as I parked my car. Then if I'm late driving home (like I have been most days recently) I get to listen to Scott Mills as I drive home, and usually time it just right so I listen to the news - not the most interesting thing to listen to, but better than hearing JLS's new song.
However, when I drive my car in the middle of the day, I am forced to listen to Fearne Cotton. I used to like her, but I now just find her whining blondness irritating. Her taste in music, I don't like either. This is why I cannot have Radio 1 permanently on in my car. I seem to be one of the only people who get road rage at the radio instead of other drivers. The annoying thing with Radio 1 is that they can play a song that I actually really like, then follow it with Madcon's new release - two completely different genres. It annoys me that this station is allowed to keep going while BBC 6 Music faces closure. I fully understand that the point of paying the license fee is that a greater variety can be given to the public, whether it is the banter and great music of BBC 6 Music or the just plain idiocy of Radio 1, but why get rid of one and not the other? Anyway, I digress...

I would listen to Radio 2 if my car radio could actually find a decent signal which didn't cut off every few seconds. Maybe the target audience is for people in their thirties and forties, but they play much better music that Radio 1 and their playlist seems to be longer than that of Heart. The recent departure of Terry Wogan is sad, but I think maybe he has been doing the job for far too long, and handing over to Chris Evans was good. Sure, it has divided people in their opinions, with some thinking that Evans could not replace Wogan's raconteur skills, and others thinking that Evans in the morning 'brightens up their day'. Despite the BBC being worried that the target age range of Radio 2 is slipping, it is still rather a good radio station, and one could ask 'Why does it matter?' As long as people are listening, why does it matter what age range are listening?
The other station that actually works properly is Classic FM. I'm not cultured enough to listen to that station. Maybe if I feel I have listened to Radio 1 too much and that my intellect is slowly dropping, I'll listen to 20 minutes of classical music just to top it up again. However, as a radio station to listen to on the drive to school every day? Well, let's just say it doesn't appeal to me. Infact, driving down to Dover and going straight over the cliffs seems more appealing.

What am I to do between now and being about to afford a brand new radio for my car with a CD player and a place to plug my iPod into? Shall I just drive around in silence with my own thoughts? Should I listen to Heart and risk my brain blowing up after hearing Cheryl Cole’s new song for the 175,867th time, just in case they play a Kings of Leon or Snow Patrol track in the time I'm in the car? Do I listen to Radio 1 and try to be 'down wiv da kidz' and being entertained by the likes of Moyles and Mills but annoyed by the stupidness of Cotton? Maybe I could listen to Radio 2 and have a good mix of songs and DJ-ing but lose the signal every other minute? Or should I just put Classic FM on while driving down to Dover?

I really have no idea, and it is annoying me. I think I may have to give up soon and borrow some money off a Dad who no longer has to drive me everywhere (somehow, I very much doubt that). I suppose I could just go without petrol for a few weeks and push the car everywhere I go, but put the volume up loud so I can hear it while I push it down the dual carriageway every morning. Either way, I don't think I am going to be able to last much longer before I go mad with my own thoughts while I drive everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being able to drive everywhere, go where ever and do it at whatever time I please, but some decent music would be appreciated.
Maybe I should set up my own personal radio station in which I give them my iTunes collection and ask them to play through them. However, I'm thinking it will probably be cheaper to buy a new car. Any advice you have for me would be great, as it is 'driving' me mad. Budum Tshh.

A whole blog just to make that terrible pun...

Ant & Dec Push the Self Destruct Button on Their Careers

Last week I watched 'Ant & Dec's Push the Button' late at night while suffering from lack of sleep, and even in this state I could tell how utterly awful the show was. It is a show which is on Saturday Nights for next six weeks I believe, fronted obviously by Ant & Dec. From what I gathered, the general gist of the show is for two families to go head-to-head against each other to win some money; nothing really unusual there. However, the twist is that both families start on £100,000 and the longer they take to complete a task or the worst they do at the task, the more the money counts down. The money they have at the end, they try to win. The losers? Well they get salt and pepper shakers. The reason for it being called 'Push The Button' is because each task is ended by pressing a giant button.

The thing with Ant & Dec is that they are brilliant presenters. The chemistry they have with the audience and the nation, as well as with each other, is what makes them so good at presenting shows like 'I'm A Celebrity...' and 'Saturday Night Takeaway'. The problem is, they are too good. This new show of theirs is as bad as the show they done for Boxing Day last year. They are good at presenting the unusual shows, but when it comes to them actually hosting another knock-off show, they are just crap. I honestly used to love Ant & Dec, but now they just seem like a fantastic version of 'Jedward' - and that is no compliment!
The show to me seemed like a very bad format of Family Fortunes; and infact every other game show that has ever been on television. Two families competing against each other; it is not exactly an original format is it? The show seems to have average, normal day people from housing estates, who all either have bad hair, bad teeth or bad acne. In one case, one contestant had all three – the poor boy. The families however, are introduced in a montage of clips of Ant & Dec going to their houses and workplaces to tell them that they have been selected. This was not a good move in my opinion. The introductions were horrific and very mad. It is what I would imagine Jeremy Kyle to be like if happy gas was being pumped into the studio. Not a good combination.

The tasks themselves were totally stupid as well. I actually could not believe how awful and plain stupid each game was. One of the tasks had a giant Simon Cowell head, which came forward onto the stage in a fashion which was reminiscent of someone coming through the glittery doors of 'Stars In Their Eyes'. The idea of this game was to count how many teeth appeared in the giant head, and there were three rounds. Essentially, they may as well have sung '10 Green Bottles Sitting On A Wall...' This I thought to be not only boring, but idiotic, pointless and overall, yet another stupid task. 'Why a giant Simon Cowell head?' someone must have asked during the production, and I hope they had a bloody good reason for it. If humour was the reason, then they failed dramatically. This wasn't the only stupid task though; other ones consisted of putting shapes through corresponding holes, giant cake building and Yodelling.
Another annoying factor which I think helps to prove how bad the show was, is that Peter Dickson did not do the voice over. We now live in an age where if Peter Dickson is doing the voice over for a show, it must be good! Clearly he was either too expensive or he refused to be associated with this show, as his voice was nowhere to be heard. Instead the voice of Ronnie Corbett did the job instead. I am a fan of him, I think he is a good example of classic comedy from the days when it was funny, but I don't think this was really the right gig for him to put his name to. You almost felt sorry for him when you heard his voice being forced to read the script.

Then along came the Americanism. Something which is rather popular with American shows is that they do mini-sketches half way through a show. Unfortunately, this show also consisted of one performed by the duo. It wasn't even original; this is something that wasn't even that original when a similar thing happened in Mr Bean. It was a sketch in a Dentist's room with Dec playing the naive character and acting like a complete idiot for 'laughs'. It actually was not very unfunny. You couldn't even call it 'So Bad It Was Good'. It was that bad. Clearly, ITV have yet again lowered their comedy standards to BBC 3, to the level of shows such as 'Coming of Age': making very bad, stupid jokes which are more embarrassing than they are funny.

I find this a big shame as I was prepared to like the show. After hearing that this show could potentially be a permanent replacement for 'Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway', I wanted it to be good and worthy of taking over the Saturday Night Primetime reigns. Unfortunately, it was not, and I hope that ITV do not keep this as a replacement, and in fact bring back 'Saturday Night Takeaway'. The reason why that show worked and this didn't purely is because it was THEM competing. It was different to all these shows in which members of the public compete against each other. We liked the format of them competing. Also, the fact that it was the 'Only show on telly in which you could win the contents of the Ads' was brilliant. Three cars, a grand in the bank, and new television and toilet cleaner, this is what everyone dreamed of winning.

There is also a reason why they are good at hosting 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' but absolutely rubbish at hosting their own show 'Ant & Dec's Christmas Show'. They are brilliant at hosting the former, purely because they are not the main feature of the show. When it comes to them being the main structure of the show, it begins to collapse. They are possibly the best presenters in modern television at hosting other people’s ideas, but when it comes to hosting their own ideas, they are as good as rubbish.

Now, I want to plea with Ant & Dec's agent to not let them make yet another mistake by putting their name to another awful show. I don't think they would be able to survive another piece of crap. They have come a long way from the days of acting in Grange Hill and presenting SM:TV Live with Cat Deeley, do not let them digress to such awful pieces of television again. Thank you.

An Unconventional Driving Test - Ye Second

Wednesday was the day of my second driving test and you (like I am) will be glad to hear that this will be the blog about me and my driving lessons/driving tests. Yes, I did pass my driving test. My theory is that only the best drivers pass second time. It is a relief that I have to no longer sit next to either my driving instructor or my dad whenever I want a drive. Now I can either drive by myself or with one of my friends sitting in the passenger seat. It makes a lovely change!
I could write about my driving lessons prior to my test, but I fear it would get very repetitive and boring, not only for me to type but for you to have to sit and read. The general gist of my 6 driving lessons after failing my first one and before passing my second is that I'd drive around the same old roads for an hour. Occasionally I would do a three point turn or reversing around a corner, maybe do a parallel, possibly reverse into a bay, or if my instructor felt like 'throwing caution to the wind' we would do an emergency stop.
I am not going to say that they were a waste of time, because I do believe that I am a better driver than I was 2 months ago thanks to the lessons, but it is a tad bit tedious paying a guy over £20 a week for the pleasure of driving his car for an hour and ending up in the same place he picked you up. It's like an indecisive person hiring a lazy taxi driver.

The Test
Well things started off well with me having the same instructor as last time - the one that failed me. Now, I liked him last time and I liked him this time still. He was quite a chatty guy who made for good banter. I think that suits me; driving while having a joke with the person next to me. I even told him that I loved him when he told me I passed and I hadn't even been drinking. It is not every day I tell older men that I love them.
I did have 5 minors during my test though. One was for not checking my mirrors before changing speed and another for not looking in my mirrors before indicating. The other three I gained while doing my two manoeuvres. One minor I gained while doing a three point turn as I just tapped the curb. The remaining two I gained within seconds of each other while doing a parallel park. I yet again tapped the curb, so to correct my error I moved forward without doing my blind spot check. Really, I wasn’t that bad though. All that means is that if I am about to do a manoeuvre, then don't walk on the pathment.

The overall driving during my test was pretty good I felt. I achieved the roundabouts well, stopped at the appropriate times, drove at the correct speeds and swerved to miss a majority of the potholes. I think I deserved that pass really, but then with the amount of money I've spent on driving lessons alone (I have worked out it comes to nearly £800) I think the system has received enough of my money. Anyone who thinks driving is a cheap hobby was clearly born before 1950 when driving lessons where only 'five shillings'. It will be cheaper now I've passed; unless the cost of petrol goes up, there is no danger of me spending more on petrol than I did on lessons weekly.
My first day of driving solo was quite fun I thought and it was quite adventurous; I done nearly 20 miles of driving and achieved it much quicker than it would have taken if I walked. There was so much traffic on the way to school, that despite my journey taking me down a dual carriageway, I failed to get to 50MPH before joining the back of a miles worth of traffic. Chris Moyles and his team saw me there safely though, and a journey which would take about 15 minutes with no traffic took over half hour. Then after school, I took a few friends home and yet again I was met with traffic and potholes. I am not an angry person, but I do suffer from slight road rage it has to be said. I don't know why, but something about being in a terracotta car makes me feel ''ard'. The way home was met with less traffic, but bigger potholes and also the traffic lights near my house not working. It is quite fun really.

There are many Facebook groups which share a similar opinion to me about potholes. 'I've Paid My Car Tax, Now Go Fix Some F***cking Potholes' and 'I'm Not Drunk, I've Avoiding Potholes' are both correct. The roads around Canterbury seem to have more the holes than there are craters on the moon, and I'm sure there are many places which are similar across the country, if not worse. Even when they do fix these potholes though, they don't do it properly. My car has enough dents in it already (none of which were caused by me, honest. It was the previous owner, I swear) so I don't want them to be added to.

At some point soon, I will need to do a Pass Plus course so that I will hopefully be able to get some money off of my driving insurance when it comes to renewing it in May. If they think I'm paying £1,800 again, then Churchill have another thing coming. Just because I have tesicles, a car and live in an area renowned for attacks on cars doesn't necessarily mean I'm any more of a liability. Then, while I was on the phone to them to change my insurance so I was classed as a guy with a Full License, they tried to con more money out of me. No, I don't want to increase my annual mileage nor upgrade my breakdown cover so you can have more of my money. That is after I was on hold for ten minutes while they played depressing music to me. Call centres must cancel out phone lines like 'The Samaritans'. Do you think you're too happy and in danger of smiling, then just spend 5 minutes waiting to be put through to an advisor, that should do it.

Anyway, thank-you to people who have already congratulated me, and to the people who haven't, I still love you because this means you have read my entire blog without pressing the giant X button on the top right-hand (or if you are a Mac user, the red bubble on the left-hand) corner of your screen. I wish for a long and safe driving career. Hopefully I've not just jinxed myself so I crash my car next week...

February: Love Month (Apparently)

The shortest month of the year has been and gone confined to the history books as the second snowy month of 2010. February consists of Pancake Day, a day which everyone eats Pancakes surprisingly. Why only on this day, I don't know. Then February also has 'Valaween' hidden in the middle of it. Just in case you were wondering, I got no late Valentine's Cards, so that is another year of receiving (and sending) none. I look forward to yet another year of having my Facebook Status set to 'Single'.

Snow played yet another big part in this the month of February as it did in January, and yet again every moaned about it. They say we had the coldest winter since 1979 and the news was quick to show us yet more images of our nation suffering. Whether it was of monkeys sitting in the snow in a zoo or a tractor ironically being stuck in the snow after trying to pull a car out of a ditch, we had to be constantly told how much devastation this is causing us Brits. Last year, experts predicted Swine Flu to be the worst thing to affect us this winter, with it potentially killing millions, but instead it was the snow. Who could've seen that coming? Well, you would have thought the people at the Met Office.
Would you believe that it is the job of people at the Met Office to predict the weather so we can prepare ourselves? Yet, every time they seem to fail. A good use of money I think - paying people to do a job wrong. Mind you, if we pay our bankers millions of pounds for losing our money, why shouldn't we pay them to not do their job properly either. It seems our country is full of failures, and yet the Daily Mail still wonder why we have foreigners doing our jobs. Maybe it is because they are more competent - just a guess.
While I am on the subject of competence, let’s go back a few weeks ago (To Valentine's Day infact) when there was a smashing interview between a twatting tit and an unpopular growth. Yes, I am referring to the Piers Morgan/Gordon Brown interview on ITV 1. Now I am sure that you are aware of my dislike of Piers Morgan, so you can imagine my surprise after watching an hour long show with him in it that I 'enjoyed'. Well, maybe 'enjoy' is a bit of an overstatement, but I did think it was very interesting. I believe that Mr Brown came across very well in the interview. Granted, I did spend a majority of the interview just being mesmerised by the skin of Gordon Brown's neck and maybe that is what hypnotised me into liking him.
I think the Scot answered all the questions exactly right, despite Piers Morgan asking him really inappropriate questions which no-one wants to know the answer to. Why should I want to know 'How many girls Gordon Brown slept with while at University’? This was a political interview, not Loose Women! The overall interview was near on 3 hours, so it makes you wonder how awful the other 2 hours of stuff was, but that is the positive of editing I suppose. Alistair Campbell (Incidentally, I met his wife at the beginning of February - Fiona Millar - Thanks Mr Karnavas!) and Gordon Brown must be very happy with the outcome of the interview, and I do truly believe that the interview has actually helped Brown's election chances. However, if I'm 18 before the elections, I will still vote Conservative, but at least he tried.
The Winter Olympics happened in Vancouver, Canada during February as well. It became slightly hard for me to watch after that guy died while practicing for the Luge, so I didn't watch much after the first few days. However, I was pretty addicted to it before that happened and I did become quite the expert in Short Hill Ski Jumping as well as the Speed Skiing. How well did Britain do? Shockingly bad as usual. You would have thought with all the snow we have had, we could have done better. The medal we did though was a gold one.
That medal was one for us by a Miss Amy Williams. She competed in the 'Bob Skelton' which is essentially laying front first on a toboggan while going around a bobsleigh track head-first. It seems like quite scary stuff, and luckily I did actually watch this. A positive of them laying front first is that you can see their rear ends very well. The comment I made while watching her being hurtled around the track by the G-Forces for her winning run was that she had a very nice arse. I am not lying either, it is a VERY nice arse that Amy Williams has.
I think we all know that John Terry would have liked it also. Just in case you are not aware due to being trapped on a desert island with no contact to civilisation, he has been accused of sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend. Yes, it does seem like something that would be found on the Jeremy Kyle show. John Terry cheated on his own wife with the girlfriend of his former best friend and England Teammate. For some reason, Wayne Bridge has pulled out of the England Football team due to it. I wonder why?
Then of course you have the Cheryl Cole/Ashley Cole saga. What is it with footballers and their ability to 'score away from home' (a nice football based pun for you)? My theory is that they get paid too much to do sod all. They train in the morning and nothing the rest of the day. They have all that money, all that fame and the ball skill (two in one paragraph; look at me go). They have the ability to seduce any woman, so they do, despite how utterly gorgeous their 'WAG's are.
However, you can't talk about failing marriages without mentioning Katie Price, or whatever she is calling herself these days. It was only a few weeks since I wrote a blog about Katie Price's latest gossip and already it seems to be out dated. She and Alex got married in Las Vegas. Then there was talk they were getting divorced. Then talk of him wanting to adopt Peter Andre's children. Then talk that he gets no say in the marriage and that Katie 'wears' the trousers in the house. Then more talk about them getting divorced. Then I am being told that they are happily in love.
I am just confused. I try to use as little brain power as possible when it comes to trying to solve what is happening in modern pop culture because I have better and more important things to waste my time thinking about, like whether I want Cheese or Egg Sandwiches for lunch. However, trying to figure out Katie Price's love life is just confusing. However, this does trigger the question - why do we as a nation care?

Now, I apologise for being a day late in posting this blog 'End of the Month' blog. The reason for this is that I had a mad spasm of a social life. I was actually out and having fun which meant I had no time to write the blog. My weekend consisted of sleeping on a bed with more people than the bed was originally designed for then a sofa, as well as drinking alcohol (I am part of the statistic of underage drinkers, but then who isn't?) and eating far too much cake. However, I would describe the weekend as 'Brilliant', 'Much Needed', 'Extraordinary Fun' and also 'One Of My Best Yet'. If I may be slightly cheesy and ruin this angry persona I seem to have going, Thanks Guys for a great couple of days, and I hope you had a great time Emily.

Anyway, onwards with March. I predict that this month will bring more devastation, more marital conflict, more crap telly, and also the celebration of a year without an unloved celebrity...

Dancing With Vampires

Does anyone remember the days when Vampires were only in Horror movies and were something to fear and when dancing used to be thought of as 'uncool'? I do. It wasn't that long ago really. How much things change in a few years. Now every teenage girl wants either a Vampire or a Werewolf as their boyfriend and every man wants to go Ice Scatting while thrusting a beautiful foreign dancer around his hips.
There are so many Vampire movies and television programs these days which portray Vampire's as kind supernatural creatures who are all really 'hot' and know every single cheesy line to make a girls heart melt. If you watch an old horror movie they were portrayed as viscous creates who only wanted young teenage girls because their blood was considered the best. The worst thing is, all these modern shows all follow roughly the same concept.

Let’s see. You have the 'Twilight' series. 'True Blood'. 'Being Human'. 'Vampire Diaries'. Then you have all the parodies of these, and trust me, there are a lot on the Internet. Fashion has now been bitten by the fangs of Vampire Culture (that was quite a good metaphor you have to admit) and if you're not dressed in black velvet then chances are you're wearing something that you saw being worn on one of these shows/movies and though 'I got to get that'. I have nothing against this new trend in Popular Culture, but why does it have to be so samey? For example. When did Vampires become so blooming hot? You would have never of seen Dracula walking around with his cape off, showing everyone his torso.

Then you have dancing as well. If you are not 'Dancing On Ice', it's 'Strictly Come Dancing' or maybe you watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' or possibly even 'Got To Dance'. . Again, I have absolutely nothing against dancing or people who can dance (I may envy them slightly. I make 'Dad Dancing' look good, that's how bad I am. Maybe someone will teach me, but for now, let’s carry on with the blog shall we?), but it is all so perfect, with Pop Stars judging. What the hell does Geri Halliwell know about Ice Dancing? And Alesha Dixon. You took part last year, so what. You're not going to tune in to Britain's Got Talent to find that Piers Morgan has been replaced with Stavros Flatley (However, I wish it would happen).

There is even a new dancing show on BBC 3 called 'Dancing On Wheels' in which people who are disabled dance in Wheelchairs. I'm surprised that the BBC hasn’t moved it to BBC 1 on Primetime Saturday television - surely this would be a big hit. I haven't watched the show, so I can't really comment, but what idiot thought that would be a good idea? The BBC probably needed a way of showing they don't discriminate, so gave them an obscure show of their own.
This year, the biggest thing Dancing On Ice has had going for it is Heather Mills. I am actually yet to meet a person who likes her, so when people found out she would be on Dancing On Ice, everyone smiled. Not at the prospect of seeing her every Sunday on our television, but because the whole nation crossed their fingers that when she done a spin, her leg would come flying off, then she'd trip and maybe if we were lucky, crack her head open. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Now she's been voted - there is no point in watching it. I admire them for being able to do it, seeing as I've even mastered Skating On Ice yet - if I ever do, but doesn't mean it is that entertaining.

That doesn't mean there is no point in watching it though. You have to remember that I am a single and lonely teenager, and Holly Willoughby's dresses appeal to me greatly. She is perfection. What man doesn't look at her and think 'Wow, those are lovely'. It is true, she is one of my celebrity crushes and in fact that is the only reason why I am following her Twitter.

Now, a plea to any Television producers who may have stumbled upon this blog (you never know). I want to propose to you a show which I would call 'Dancing With Vampires'. What it will do is mix the two genres of modern Pop Culture. It will appeal to the dance fanatics of the country who are bored of Ice Rinks and Ballrooms and we set it in an abandoned Church. That is where all the new fans of Vampires and other Supernatural beings. You have a load of Vampires who dance with eachother in this derelict building.

Instead of dancing to cheesy pop songs from the 70's or having an orchestra playing we play rock music for them to dance to. I'm thinking maybe Muse, some Paramore, possibly Radiohead, Fall Out Boy, Panic At The Disco, Biffy Clyro, 30 Seconds To Mars and maybe even some Franz Ferdinand. This way we are appealing to the lovers of that kind of music, and stereotypically people who like Twilight and the like, listen to that kind of music. Of course, this music is harder to choreograph a dance for, and therefore the dancing will be more difficult so this will intrigue the dance lovers.

I have put a lot of thought into this. Every dance show needs a judging panel, and this one would be no different. You would have Avril Lavigne as the expert as a lot of her music videos having dancing in them which would be similar to the genre of dancing found in this brand new show. Then you need some eye candy which is where Avril Lavigne comes in for the lads. No guessing who that would be for the females; yes we would persuade Robert Pattinson to sit on the panel. Then, in the middle, we will tie Jason Gardiner and force him to sit there and comment on the dancing. 'Why tie him to a chair though?' I hear you thinking. Well, I don't like. Therefore, whenever he says something the audience do not like, they're allowed to throw stuff at him. If he tied, then he cannot escape. We would also have Fern Cotton as the dumb one who knows nothing about dancing but knows what she thinks looks nice.
Presenter wise, I am more than happy to contract Holly Willoughby to do the job, so long as she continues to wear revealing dresses. I will also allow Phillip Scoffield to co-host if she won't do it without him. Now I have pitched my idea, I look forward to your response. The channel to offer me the highest amount of money will get it.

You may laugh at me now, but when I'm sitting here rolling in money from the Phone-in lines, I will have all doubters killed.

Valaween

Valentine’s Day is upon us and it is the day where people confess their love for each other or celebrate the love in which they have. It is a day in which many couples will go to the cinema and share a box of popcorn. Others will go to expensive restaurants and have a meal while the sexual tension builds. Chocolates and flowers are given, wrapped in pretty red paper and cuddly toys with 'I LOVE YOU' written on them, along with giant cards containing cheesy prose to explain how much you love them, will be given. For people in love, this sugar-coated day adds brightness to dull winters. For people who are not in love, like the writer of this very sentence, it is the cruellest day on the calendar. I don’t like Valentine’s Day believe it or not, which is one reason why I’ve affectionately named this blog ‘Valaween’. I shall now explain why so.

February the 14th is the date which I, like millions of other single people, dread. The celebration is named after a saint who had absolutely nothing to do with romance either, thus making the day a bit of a fraud. The amount of heart-based gifts which you see in the shops that are overpriced for the poorly-made crap they really are is quite silly. Red mugs, giant cards, me-to-you bears, balloons, jewellery and numerous other gifts of an erotic and 18+ nature. These are all things which are supposed to show how much you love the receiver of these gifts.

I suppose you could argue that I am lucky to be single to be on this day. I have not got to worry about whether a cuddly toy and box of chocolates appropriately send a message of how much I love them. I haven’t got to worry about what stage of the relationship we’re in and whether or not the card is a sufficient enough size. What if she gets me a bigger one with glitter? I’d feel like a complete idiot after giving her a £2.99 card from down the road. These are all worries I have not had to have. Still, I don’t like Valentine’s Day.

You may have noticed that I am of the cynical nature when it comes to this day. This is possibly because I have actually always been single on this day of 'love' or, maybe because I have actually never received a valentines card or present from a lover. I have however received presents and cards from friends who are sympathetic of the fact that I am going through another year of loneliness. These gifts usually come from friends who are in relationships so show pity by giving cards or, in the case of this year, a lovely single red plastic rose. I don't wish to come across as ungrateful, because I am grateful for their efforts to cheer me up, but you can't help but notice it is a sympathy present.
Another year has gone past where I receive no Valentines cards from a secret lover which I have to try and figure out like an episode of Poirot, in which no-one dies but yet everyone is still a suspect. I suppose, what with Valentine’s Day falling on a Sunday this year and there being no post on Sundays, this imaginative card could come on Monday. I mean, I could get a card. An average of 1 billion cards are sent each year on Valentine’s Day, and yet we all I know that I won’t be getting any of them, yet again.

Valentine’s Day has actually always seemed very pointless day in my personal opinion. Essentially, the day is for people to tell other people that they love them. Why make it specific to one day? This day needs to be removed from the calendar and have February the 14th as a normal, boring day. Love should be celebrated every single day of every single year, not just because Hallmark thinks you should in order for them to sell more cards. I know if I was in a relationship, I would be celebrating that fact every single morning - I would feel so lucky, to actually have a girlfriend.
Being single is a hard thing to be during the week leading up Valentine’s Day and the day itself. Where ever you go, you are constantly reminded that it is soon the day of love and you are still single. Every ad break on the Telly or Radio has adverts for cheep roses at Tesco's or personalised cards from Moonpig for the special occasion. Every shop you walk past has its windows covered with red hearts and 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' in big letters. Friends talk to you about their plans for Valentine’s Day and what they will be doing with their 'other half', insinuating that when they're with them, they feel complete - soppy gits!

I'm not going to bore you with my tragic life story, how unlucky I am with love and how lonely I am. However, I did stupidly worked out the other day that I have been single for 20 months. I also, with depressing results, worked out how much of my life so far has been spent 'in love' and the result wasn't even 6 months. Maybe the fact I am single is because I never send on those texts or e-mails. You know those one that say ‘Pass this on to seven people in the next 33 minutes or no-one will love you for 9 years.’ I never pass them on. Maybe the curse is coming true.

Don't worry though, because rumour has it that I am in a secret relationship with my best friend. Well, it seems that rumours are as close as I get to relationships these days. I am (Infact we both are) single despite rumours. Whoever would have thought that rumours might not be true? To have a little mini rant on the subject: How shallow are these people? “Oh look, they’re sitting next to each other again. They’re definitely in love.” If that is evidence of people being in love, then the world would be a much happier place. Anyway, slightly off topic.

Here is one piece of advice for you. When girls say 'I love a man with a sense of humour and who is kind' they clearly do not mean it. I'm humorous and I am actually a very nice person, and look at me. Single. Lonely. Depressed. Resentful. Jealous. Wishing my life was like the life of characters on Scrubs. What girls really want is some guy who is their ideal of being ‘fit’, with a nice butt and caressable hair (my hair is nice too). I don’t come into the category of ‘fit’ though; thus why I am single really. Humour and niceness is not enough.

You would have thought I’d be great catch with the ladies. I even quite like watching ‘Twilight’ or ‘New Moon’. Surely that would make me a perfect choice. Maybe if I had the giant eyebrows, sparkled in the sunlight and had a pale complexion like Robert Pattinson, or the torso Taylor Lautner I would have better luck. I would be more than willing to sit and watch the DVD, so bare that in mind ladies...

I am even cynical of dating websites. A load of data on a database is not the way to find love. How depressing is that? Saying that 'I found love through a website creating a query of facts from my own personality and comparing it to other data on Microsoft Access' is actually quite tragic. Thus why, when I'm 18, I'm not going to even contemplate going on one of them websites. I do not think I am that desperate. Not yet at least anyway.

I am sorry to point this out, but while everyone is out on dates with the 'love of their life', you are sat there reading this blog. Depressing isn't it. You're probably sat at home listening to songs by McFly or the Goo Goo Dolls, maybe OneRepublic or maybe you're treating yourself to extra special depression by listening to Maroon 5. I know that is what I plan to do. The best way to get through the day though, is to just shut your eyes. Pretend the day is just an ordinary day. If you have to, draw the curtains and hold the bed duvet over your head until February the 15th comes around. Also, don't ask how your friends how Valentines was if they're in love; it will only depress you. If they tell you, don't listen: just nod, laugh and smile occasionally and then end the conversation by saying 'Aww sweet'. It has never failed for me.

Whatever you do though, do not make the same mistake as I did last year and spend Valentine’s Day with friends who are in a relationship. What was sold to you as a way to get through the day enjoyably, turned out to be the most depressing way to spend the day. Spending Valentine’s Day watching people in love? How stupid was I? It's like eating your Chocolate Easter Eggs on Easter Sunday infront of your diabetic friend who isn't allowed to eat chocolate.

If you're reading this on Valentine’s Day, I feel your pain, I really do. Sitting at home at your computer reading a blog by a 17 year old, which is about his take on love and Valentine’s Day, it is depressing. I hope the day passes quickly for you and don't get too miserable. If you're reading this blog after Valentine’s Day, I hope you enjoyed your date you lucky sod. I hope you've got chapped lips. Did you even spare a thought for us 'Singletons'? I thought not.
Don't worry though, as a reward, on Tuesday it is Pancake Day. To celebrate surviving another Valentine’s Day, you can sit and eat Pancakes, on your own. Don't think of that as a negative though, it just means you haven't got to share the pancake goodness with some greedy sod.

Seeing as I am single, and have been for quite some time, I am advertising myself on my blog now. So: If you're an attractive, sarcastic, clever girl who is single and is interested in a slightly over-weight teenage boy who spends most of his time writing and making everything into innuendos, or know someone who is, then please do contact me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy/enjoyed your day.
Remember, even though I really hate love, Stuy loves you!