Dancing With Vampires

Does anyone remember the days when Vampires were only in Horror movies and were something to fear and when dancing used to be thought of as 'uncool'? I do. It wasn't that long ago really. How much things change in a few years. Now every teenage girl wants either a Vampire or a Werewolf as their boyfriend and every man wants to go Ice Scatting while thrusting a beautiful foreign dancer around his hips.
There are so many Vampire movies and television programs these days which portray Vampire's as kind supernatural creatures who are all really 'hot' and know every single cheesy line to make a girls heart melt. If you watch an old horror movie they were portrayed as viscous creates who only wanted young teenage girls because their blood was considered the best. The worst thing is, all these modern shows all follow roughly the same concept.

Let’s see. You have the 'Twilight' series. 'True Blood'. 'Being Human'. 'Vampire Diaries'. Then you have all the parodies of these, and trust me, there are a lot on the Internet. Fashion has now been bitten by the fangs of Vampire Culture (that was quite a good metaphor you have to admit) and if you're not dressed in black velvet then chances are you're wearing something that you saw being worn on one of these shows/movies and though 'I got to get that'. I have nothing against this new trend in Popular Culture, but why does it have to be so samey? For example. When did Vampires become so blooming hot? You would have never of seen Dracula walking around with his cape off, showing everyone his torso.

Then you have dancing as well. If you are not 'Dancing On Ice', it's 'Strictly Come Dancing' or maybe you watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' or possibly even 'Got To Dance'. . Again, I have absolutely nothing against dancing or people who can dance (I may envy them slightly. I make 'Dad Dancing' look good, that's how bad I am. Maybe someone will teach me, but for now, let’s carry on with the blog shall we?), but it is all so perfect, with Pop Stars judging. What the hell does Geri Halliwell know about Ice Dancing? And Alesha Dixon. You took part last year, so what. You're not going to tune in to Britain's Got Talent to find that Piers Morgan has been replaced with Stavros Flatley (However, I wish it would happen).

There is even a new dancing show on BBC 3 called 'Dancing On Wheels' in which people who are disabled dance in Wheelchairs. I'm surprised that the BBC hasn’t moved it to BBC 1 on Primetime Saturday television - surely this would be a big hit. I haven't watched the show, so I can't really comment, but what idiot thought that would be a good idea? The BBC probably needed a way of showing they don't discriminate, so gave them an obscure show of their own.
This year, the biggest thing Dancing On Ice has had going for it is Heather Mills. I am actually yet to meet a person who likes her, so when people found out she would be on Dancing On Ice, everyone smiled. Not at the prospect of seeing her every Sunday on our television, but because the whole nation crossed their fingers that when she done a spin, her leg would come flying off, then she'd trip and maybe if we were lucky, crack her head open. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Now she's been voted - there is no point in watching it. I admire them for being able to do it, seeing as I've even mastered Skating On Ice yet - if I ever do, but doesn't mean it is that entertaining.

That doesn't mean there is no point in watching it though. You have to remember that I am a single and lonely teenager, and Holly Willoughby's dresses appeal to me greatly. She is perfection. What man doesn't look at her and think 'Wow, those are lovely'. It is true, she is one of my celebrity crushes and in fact that is the only reason why I am following her Twitter.

Now, a plea to any Television producers who may have stumbled upon this blog (you never know). I want to propose to you a show which I would call 'Dancing With Vampires'. What it will do is mix the two genres of modern Pop Culture. It will appeal to the dance fanatics of the country who are bored of Ice Rinks and Ballrooms and we set it in an abandoned Church. That is where all the new fans of Vampires and other Supernatural beings. You have a load of Vampires who dance with eachother in this derelict building.

Instead of dancing to cheesy pop songs from the 70's or having an orchestra playing we play rock music for them to dance to. I'm thinking maybe Muse, some Paramore, possibly Radiohead, Fall Out Boy, Panic At The Disco, Biffy Clyro, 30 Seconds To Mars and maybe even some Franz Ferdinand. This way we are appealing to the lovers of that kind of music, and stereotypically people who like Twilight and the like, listen to that kind of music. Of course, this music is harder to choreograph a dance for, and therefore the dancing will be more difficult so this will intrigue the dance lovers.

I have put a lot of thought into this. Every dance show needs a judging panel, and this one would be no different. You would have Avril Lavigne as the expert as a lot of her music videos having dancing in them which would be similar to the genre of dancing found in this brand new show. Then you need some eye candy which is where Avril Lavigne comes in for the lads. No guessing who that would be for the females; yes we would persuade Robert Pattinson to sit on the panel. Then, in the middle, we will tie Jason Gardiner and force him to sit there and comment on the dancing. 'Why tie him to a chair though?' I hear you thinking. Well, I don't like. Therefore, whenever he says something the audience do not like, they're allowed to throw stuff at him. If he tied, then he cannot escape. We would also have Fern Cotton as the dumb one who knows nothing about dancing but knows what she thinks looks nice.
Presenter wise, I am more than happy to contract Holly Willoughby to do the job, so long as she continues to wear revealing dresses. I will also allow Phillip Scoffield to co-host if she won't do it without him. Now I have pitched my idea, I look forward to your response. The channel to offer me the highest amount of money will get it.

You may laugh at me now, but when I'm sitting here rolling in money from the Phone-in lines, I will have all doubters killed.

Valaween

Valentine’s Day is upon us and it is the day where people confess their love for each other or celebrate the love in which they have. It is a day in which many couples will go to the cinema and share a box of popcorn. Others will go to expensive restaurants and have a meal while the sexual tension builds. Chocolates and flowers are given, wrapped in pretty red paper and cuddly toys with 'I LOVE YOU' written on them, along with giant cards containing cheesy prose to explain how much you love them, will be given. For people in love, this sugar-coated day adds brightness to dull winters. For people who are not in love, like the writer of this very sentence, it is the cruellest day on the calendar. I don’t like Valentine’s Day believe it or not, which is one reason why I’ve affectionately named this blog ‘Valaween’. I shall now explain why so.

February the 14th is the date which I, like millions of other single people, dread. The celebration is named after a saint who had absolutely nothing to do with romance either, thus making the day a bit of a fraud. The amount of heart-based gifts which you see in the shops that are overpriced for the poorly-made crap they really are is quite silly. Red mugs, giant cards, me-to-you bears, balloons, jewellery and numerous other gifts of an erotic and 18+ nature. These are all things which are supposed to show how much you love the receiver of these gifts.

I suppose you could argue that I am lucky to be single to be on this day. I have not got to worry about whether a cuddly toy and box of chocolates appropriately send a message of how much I love them. I haven’t got to worry about what stage of the relationship we’re in and whether or not the card is a sufficient enough size. What if she gets me a bigger one with glitter? I’d feel like a complete idiot after giving her a £2.99 card from down the road. These are all worries I have not had to have. Still, I don’t like Valentine’s Day.

You may have noticed that I am of the cynical nature when it comes to this day. This is possibly because I have actually always been single on this day of 'love' or, maybe because I have actually never received a valentines card or present from a lover. I have however received presents and cards from friends who are sympathetic of the fact that I am going through another year of loneliness. These gifts usually come from friends who are in relationships so show pity by giving cards or, in the case of this year, a lovely single red plastic rose. I don't wish to come across as ungrateful, because I am grateful for their efforts to cheer me up, but you can't help but notice it is a sympathy present.
Another year has gone past where I receive no Valentines cards from a secret lover which I have to try and figure out like an episode of Poirot, in which no-one dies but yet everyone is still a suspect. I suppose, what with Valentine’s Day falling on a Sunday this year and there being no post on Sundays, this imaginative card could come on Monday. I mean, I could get a card. An average of 1 billion cards are sent each year on Valentine’s Day, and yet we all I know that I won’t be getting any of them, yet again.

Valentine’s Day has actually always seemed very pointless day in my personal opinion. Essentially, the day is for people to tell other people that they love them. Why make it specific to one day? This day needs to be removed from the calendar and have February the 14th as a normal, boring day. Love should be celebrated every single day of every single year, not just because Hallmark thinks you should in order for them to sell more cards. I know if I was in a relationship, I would be celebrating that fact every single morning - I would feel so lucky, to actually have a girlfriend.
Being single is a hard thing to be during the week leading up Valentine’s Day and the day itself. Where ever you go, you are constantly reminded that it is soon the day of love and you are still single. Every ad break on the Telly or Radio has adverts for cheep roses at Tesco's or personalised cards from Moonpig for the special occasion. Every shop you walk past has its windows covered with red hearts and 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' in big letters. Friends talk to you about their plans for Valentine’s Day and what they will be doing with their 'other half', insinuating that when they're with them, they feel complete - soppy gits!

I'm not going to bore you with my tragic life story, how unlucky I am with love and how lonely I am. However, I did stupidly worked out the other day that I have been single for 20 months. I also, with depressing results, worked out how much of my life so far has been spent 'in love' and the result wasn't even 6 months. Maybe the fact I am single is because I never send on those texts or e-mails. You know those one that say ‘Pass this on to seven people in the next 33 minutes or no-one will love you for 9 years.’ I never pass them on. Maybe the curse is coming true.

Don't worry though, because rumour has it that I am in a secret relationship with my best friend. Well, it seems that rumours are as close as I get to relationships these days. I am (Infact we both are) single despite rumours. Whoever would have thought that rumours might not be true? To have a little mini rant on the subject: How shallow are these people? “Oh look, they’re sitting next to each other again. They’re definitely in love.” If that is evidence of people being in love, then the world would be a much happier place. Anyway, slightly off topic.

Here is one piece of advice for you. When girls say 'I love a man with a sense of humour and who is kind' they clearly do not mean it. I'm humorous and I am actually a very nice person, and look at me. Single. Lonely. Depressed. Resentful. Jealous. Wishing my life was like the life of characters on Scrubs. What girls really want is some guy who is their ideal of being ‘fit’, with a nice butt and caressable hair (my hair is nice too). I don’t come into the category of ‘fit’ though; thus why I am single really. Humour and niceness is not enough.

You would have thought I’d be great catch with the ladies. I even quite like watching ‘Twilight’ or ‘New Moon’. Surely that would make me a perfect choice. Maybe if I had the giant eyebrows, sparkled in the sunlight and had a pale complexion like Robert Pattinson, or the torso Taylor Lautner I would have better luck. I would be more than willing to sit and watch the DVD, so bare that in mind ladies...

I am even cynical of dating websites. A load of data on a database is not the way to find love. How depressing is that? Saying that 'I found love through a website creating a query of facts from my own personality and comparing it to other data on Microsoft Access' is actually quite tragic. Thus why, when I'm 18, I'm not going to even contemplate going on one of them websites. I do not think I am that desperate. Not yet at least anyway.

I am sorry to point this out, but while everyone is out on dates with the 'love of their life', you are sat there reading this blog. Depressing isn't it. You're probably sat at home listening to songs by McFly or the Goo Goo Dolls, maybe OneRepublic or maybe you're treating yourself to extra special depression by listening to Maroon 5. I know that is what I plan to do. The best way to get through the day though, is to just shut your eyes. Pretend the day is just an ordinary day. If you have to, draw the curtains and hold the bed duvet over your head until February the 15th comes around. Also, don't ask how your friends how Valentines was if they're in love; it will only depress you. If they tell you, don't listen: just nod, laugh and smile occasionally and then end the conversation by saying 'Aww sweet'. It has never failed for me.

Whatever you do though, do not make the same mistake as I did last year and spend Valentine’s Day with friends who are in a relationship. What was sold to you as a way to get through the day enjoyably, turned out to be the most depressing way to spend the day. Spending Valentine’s Day watching people in love? How stupid was I? It's like eating your Chocolate Easter Eggs on Easter Sunday infront of your diabetic friend who isn't allowed to eat chocolate.

If you're reading this on Valentine’s Day, I feel your pain, I really do. Sitting at home at your computer reading a blog by a 17 year old, which is about his take on love and Valentine’s Day, it is depressing. I hope the day passes quickly for you and don't get too miserable. If you're reading this blog after Valentine’s Day, I hope you enjoyed your date you lucky sod. I hope you've got chapped lips. Did you even spare a thought for us 'Singletons'? I thought not.
Don't worry though, as a reward, on Tuesday it is Pancake Day. To celebrate surviving another Valentine’s Day, you can sit and eat Pancakes, on your own. Don't think of that as a negative though, it just means you haven't got to share the pancake goodness with some greedy sod.

Seeing as I am single, and have been for quite some time, I am advertising myself on my blog now. So: If you're an attractive, sarcastic, clever girl who is single and is interested in a slightly over-weight teenage boy who spends most of his time writing and making everything into innuendos, or know someone who is, then please do contact me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy/enjoyed your day.
Remember, even though I really hate love, Stuy loves you!

Stuart’s Dating Advice:

Welcome to the first in a two-parter about Valentine’s Day (Or as I’m calling it – Valaween). This first part is just me giving you helpful advice on love. We’ll start off with some chat-up lines you can use to devastating effects. Then advice on what to do once you are in a relationship. Call it a gesture of good will. You may even figure out why I am still single. The second blog, to come this afternoon, will be general blog going into detail on why I hate February the 14th.

Stuart’s Top 14 Chat-Up Lines:

• You can scramble my eggs anytime, love.
• Is that a pen in your pocket or are those jeans suppose to have an ink stain?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or have I got to poke your eyes out?
• Can I buy you a drink? I hear the water is quite nice here and it’s free as well so long as you don’t have ice in it.
• Did you hurt yourself when you fell down heaven, because your face is really messed up.
• Your mammary glands are looking very proportionate.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
• Your feet must hurt because you were running through my mind all day, so I imagined you falling into a piranha pit just to get rid of you.
• There is a reason why ‘I’ and ‘U’ are next to eachother in the alphabet – I’m dyslectic.
• Excuse me, can you give me directions to ‘Your Heart’. You know, that pub. I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.
• You smell like my Grandparents house.
• Hey Sausage Pie, haven’t seen you here before.
• Are you a builder, because you’ve just raised my tower.
• You’re wearing purple underwear... I like purple.

Stuart’s Top 14 Pieces of Dating Advice:

• Honesty really is the best policy so be sure to point out all their flaws, every single day you are together.
• Love songs are so overrated. Instead of serenading them with something cheesy, try 'My Old Man's A Dustman'.
• Play fighting is nice, but it's not until you give someone a black eye that you show how much you really love them.
• Nothing says 'I love you' like pouring animal seman over your partners head. You'll laugh about it one day.
• Tell your partner that you love them more than yesterday. It'll make them paranoid that you didn't love them then.
• When dumping someone - be imaginative. Give them a dead potted rose and say 'I'll love you as long as that's alive'.
• Make your partner feel special. Introduce them to your parents under the name of an ex-partner. They will love it!
• For Valentines buy them gym membership. It'll imply that you think they're fat, ugly and in need of improvement.
• Girls don't like farting. However, if you fart to the tune of a Bryan Adams song, they will love you forever.
• Make sure your partner doesn't cheat by killing all their friends. It's extreme, yet necessary action to take.
• Pretending not to like someone is a sure sign of actually liking them. Continue this to even after the Wedding day.
• Before entering an expensive restaurant, tell your partner they're fat. You save money as they'll have the salad.
• Forgotten to get a Valentines present? Just say those three words every woman wants to hear: 'Let's Go Shopping'.
• If your partner is allergic to flowers, be sure you buy her roses. She'll think of you everytime she sneezes.

Anyway, I hope that all helps you and you have a long, successful relationship. I think my phyciatraist would like to see these...

There is another blog this afternoon. Yes, I am single and have nothing better to do with my Valentine’s Day.

Katie: 'What's Your' Price?

I heard on the radio while putting milk on my cereals Wednesday morning that Katie Price and Alex Reid had a quick Las Vegas marriage. You know Alex Reid, he only won Celebrity Big Brother last week, you can't have forgotten about him already? Everyone thinks that she done it for the television publicity, and I agree with this. I expect the vicar said 'You're live in Las Vegas, please do not swear'. Now, I'm not exactly well in keeping with celebrity gossip, but last I heard she split up with him live on Telly after coming out of the jungle.
People have been saying that money and popularity have also played a big part in this decision for them to get married. Surely we all know that Katie Price wouldn't stoop to such lows? It's not as if she's sold her life to ITV 2 and is always in gossip magazines...

She even made Peter Andre cry. Well, not her personally, but Kay Burley, who kept probing him about Katie's new marriage and his children, did. This is the man who claims that he is over her (Well, what man hasn't been over her?). Also, the children? Has anyone thought to tell the children? Yes, of course Katie has thought about telling the children - she's making their Nanny tell them. This is a woman who was shortlisted as Mother of the Year 2009. Thankfully, she didn't win.

Right, so let us create a timetable of recent events. Katie and Alex split up. Alex went into Big Brother house at the beginning of the year, single, and Katie Price was becoming even more unpopular. Four weeks later Alex wins Big Brother. Within four days they get back together and got married in Las Vegas. And people say romance is dead?
Now Alex Reid is saying that he didn't know what he was agreeing too and that he was drunk when they tied the knot (you would have to be drunk to marry her though). That must have been one heck of a hangover Wednesday morning, realising he was married. Just because he and Katie Price were together, how does that make him a celebrity? Now they're married and he's won Big Brother, he could probably be considered as an 'A lister'. This annoys me. His only talent is dancing in a cage. Is that really worth celebrity status? Well in our modern culture, the answer is unfortunately yes.

The question we have to ask, and a question I'm constantly asking, is 'Why do we care?' Why do people like Katie Price insist on having such awful lives? If she was a normal person like me or you, she would be a perfect candidate for an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. Maybe they should do a celebrity special for Katie Price. You would have her on as the main villain who gets yelled at, Peter Andre and Dwight Yorke arguing over the children, and then finally Alex Reid crying that he was forced to marry her. Maybe someone’s Mum could come on as well and slap her. However, I still wouldn't watch it (unless I was ill).

In the next few weeks we're going to have their trashy wedding photos in some gossip magazine, more pictures of them walking together hand in hand and more of Peter's whining. Haiti is so last month, I'm sure they will all be fine, we all want to know who wins the next slagging match. Peter has the sympathy vote as everyone seems to love him for reasons no-one actually knows. Katie however, can book another interview with Piers Morgan and cry, just like Gordon Brown has.

Do you want to know what I'm going to be doing during all this? Not caring like everyone else. I'll be in my own little world. Of course, I'll still find out what happens. If I don't find out from radio and TV, it'll be from the Internet - I bet someone on Twitter informs me unwillingly. Failing that, it'll be at school, overhearing other people’s conversations or from gossip magazines left around the place and brought from friends. Luckily for all of them, I am ill and have lost my normal voice, so whenever I go to moan about all this, it will just come out as a noise and be laughed at with no-one being able to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to say.

This is going to be a fun week...