Stuart’s Dating Advice:

Welcome to the first in a two-parter about Valentine’s Day (Or as I’m calling it – Valaween). This first part is just me giving you helpful advice on love. We’ll start off with some chat-up lines you can use to devastating effects. Then advice on what to do once you are in a relationship. Call it a gesture of good will. You may even figure out why I am still single. The second blog, to come this afternoon, will be general blog going into detail on why I hate February the 14th.

Stuart’s Top 14 Chat-Up Lines:

• You can scramble my eggs anytime, love.
• Is that a pen in your pocket or are those jeans suppose to have an ink stain?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or have I got to poke your eyes out?
• Can I buy you a drink? I hear the water is quite nice here and it’s free as well so long as you don’t have ice in it.
• Did you hurt yourself when you fell down heaven, because your face is really messed up.
• Your mammary glands are looking very proportionate.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
• Your feet must hurt because you were running through my mind all day, so I imagined you falling into a piranha pit just to get rid of you.
• There is a reason why ‘I’ and ‘U’ are next to eachother in the alphabet – I’m dyslectic.
• Excuse me, can you give me directions to ‘Your Heart’. You know, that pub. I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.
• You smell like my Grandparents house.
• Hey Sausage Pie, haven’t seen you here before.
• Are you a builder, because you’ve just raised my tower.
• You’re wearing purple underwear... I like purple.

Stuart’s Top 14 Pieces of Dating Advice:

• Honesty really is the best policy so be sure to point out all their flaws, every single day you are together.
• Love songs are so overrated. Instead of serenading them with something cheesy, try 'My Old Man's A Dustman'.
• Play fighting is nice, but it's not until you give someone a black eye that you show how much you really love them.
• Nothing says 'I love you' like pouring animal seman over your partners head. You'll laugh about it one day.
• Tell your partner that you love them more than yesterday. It'll make them paranoid that you didn't love them then.
• When dumping someone - be imaginative. Give them a dead potted rose and say 'I'll love you as long as that's alive'.
• Make your partner feel special. Introduce them to your parents under the name of an ex-partner. They will love it!
• For Valentines buy them gym membership. It'll imply that you think they're fat, ugly and in need of improvement.
• Girls don't like farting. However, if you fart to the tune of a Bryan Adams song, they will love you forever.
• Make sure your partner doesn't cheat by killing all their friends. It's extreme, yet necessary action to take.
• Pretending not to like someone is a sure sign of actually liking them. Continue this to even after the Wedding day.
• Before entering an expensive restaurant, tell your partner they're fat. You save money as they'll have the salad.
• Forgotten to get a Valentines present? Just say those three words every woman wants to hear: 'Let's Go Shopping'.
• If your partner is allergic to flowers, be sure you buy her roses. She'll think of you everytime she sneezes.

Anyway, I hope that all helps you and you have a long, successful relationship. I think my phyciatraist would like to see these...

There is another blog this afternoon. Yes, I am single and have nothing better to do with my Valentine’s Day.