YOU SWINES... How Could You Give Us The Flu!!

Yup, so we're all going to die again it seems. So far this millennium (so 9 years) we have managed to survive Mad Cow Disease twice, Bird Flu so far, and SARS and this year’s new threat seems to be 'Swine Flu', which isn't caused by swine's as the name leads us to believe, but it's originated from pigs - and Mexicans I suppose.

It's cause? Well nature got bored like usual. Every 80 years or so on, there is a pandemic which kills maybe a few million people, we cry a little and blame God for being such a bastard, and carry on like usual again, until the next flu pandemic. Except now we have better medicines, so chances are, hardly anyone will die as a direct cause of swine's. Why people are panicking so much I don’t know (apart from us keep being told by the media that we’re ALL GOING TO DIE), because drugs are so good these days, we can keep anyone alive, excluding annoying reality TV stars that are famous for having a mouth wider than the M1.

The media are also sure to mention that over a hundred people have died from it in Mexico in the last week, but carefully forgetting thousands of people die every day in places like Africa, and somehow it's more important because it's happening in a richer country. And now (at the time posting), only one person has died outside the Mexican border, and that was in America. Even then, the person had only just escaped from Mexico, so I don't think that should really count. And there were 4, I repeat 4, confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the United Kingdom, which now means death is imitate for us all.

I've mentioned many-a-time how the media likes to throw everything out of proportion, and this is no exception. We're constantly seeing images of people wearing masks, which panics us and words are constantly being thrown at us too. 'Dead', 'Apocalypse', 'Pandemic', 'Outbreak', 'Warning' and many more. It's only natural that we're all shitting ourselves. And now the headlines all say that '40% of Britain's will be hit by the Virus', which are just scaremongering us to duck tape all our doors and windows shut. The stories carefully forget to mention that it's only a prediction and it's all if's and could's and no-one sensible has actually said that it WILL happen.
It's also times like this you realise how easy it is to scare people these days, especially on Twitter. I love sitting comfortably and watching people Tweet things about Swine Flu. I spent a lot of my Monday reading things on there, as I did on Wednesday morning, and I must say, there are a lot of scared people. Obviously, there are a lot of people who are making a joke about it, like most of the people I'm following, but there about a million other users, and a majority are shitting themselves. An example is someone eating a Bacon roll, then sneezing some minutes later, but having time to Tweet it before they collapsed and died, which is a definite sign of Swine Flu...

I must say though, that I am getting bored of this dying lark though, how I've managed to last as long as I have I will never know. But you can't turn on the telly or open a newspaper without being told that you're going to die. You die from having bacteria on your chopping bored, and you'll die every time you use the loo because the amount of bacteria there too. You'll die if you bath, not because of the chances of drowning, but because you're using water. Every time someone coughs in a crowded area, suddenly everyone in a 5 mile radius will die. Then when you finally relax in your bacteria free home, you get told you'll die from sitting in front of the telly, or spending more than 5 minutes a day on Facebook.
Unlike most other diseases and flu's, Swine Flu mainly attacks the young and healthy. Yes, if you're a teenager or younger adult, who drinks a lot of Yakult, then you're more likely to get Swine Flu that a smoking, drinking Grandad of 89, who was a prisoner of war and worked in the mines for a majority of their life.
So, if this is my last blog, then you know why... I came into contact with a sombrero that someone, who walked past a pig farm whilst wearing the sombrero in Mexico, brought home many years ago from their holiday.

So Toodles M’deary
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P.S. Remember to cover your mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze and wash your hands as frequent as physically possible. In fact, why not just pour acid over yourself?

And here is a song which I think is quite appropriate for the situation. It's Devine Comedy - Die A Virgin...

Y Spk Englsh Wen U Cn Tlk in Slang/Ghetto/Text/Jargon/Gobbledegook

f typd n ntr sntnc wtht sng ny Vwls, vry fw ppl wld b bl t ndrstnd wht 'm n bt, nd dbt wld b bl t thr...
And in English, with Vowels...
If I typed an entire sentence without using any Vowels, very few people would be able to understand what I'm on about, and I doubt I would be able to either. How comes then it is acceptable for us to think we can talk to each other without vowels then?

I text an awful lot, in fact too much, and all my texts are written in the way I'd write an English essay, by spelling every word properly, called the 'Queens English', because It always takes me 10 minutes to work out I'm saying if I shorten it and when I receive a text, I have to sit and work out what is being said to me.

A women's private area, more commonly known as a 'Virginia' in the mature world, is called a 'Wizards Sleeve' in street talk I found out yesterday – it came up in conversation. Anyway, I think it gives an entire new meaning to Harry Potter now.
Harry: Come on Hermione, we'll be late to defeat Lord Voldemort again if you don't hurry up.
Hermione: Hang on Harry, I’m just getting my hand out of my wizards sleeve then we can go... Actually, could you give me hand?

More slang, which is just as inappropriate, comes in the form of ways to ‘affectionately’ address your girlfriend or other half. Such words include; Bitch, Whore/Hoe, GF (Which could just as easily mean Goldfish), 'Fuck Buddy', Wifey, or more socially accepted – Spouse. To be honest, I would never call my girlfriend any of those names (accept Spouse maybe) if I had one, but then maybe that’s where I have been going wrong, I’ve been calling previous girlfriends by their name, or referring to them by their relationship to me – Girlfriend. I used to think if I called one of them a ‘Whore’ (which I’m not), I’d get a slap, but obviously that’s not the case – Silly Me!

Onto acronyms now... How people come up with certain acronyms, I will never know. These people must be uneducated, unemployed people who watch countdown and can't make a word up that's over 3 letters long, so try and make it into an acronym instead. How someone came up with 'ROFFLMFAOOLTTFM' I will never know. In case you're wondering, it means 'Roll On the Fucking Floor Laughing My Ass Off Out Loud To The Fucking Max'.

We all know the popular and overused ‘LOL’. In fact it’s so well known that people now actually say ‘LOL’ to people instead of ‘Laughing Out Loud’ which is just getting ridiculous, it seems the technology of phones and computers mean we have forgotten to socially interact with each other. There are other acronyms which are used like the one previously mentioned, ‘LMAO’ which means ‘Laughing My Arse Off’, ‘BRB’ which means ‘Be Right Back’ and ‘WUBU2’ which means ‘What You Been Up To?’

To help myself get around some of the gobbledegook, I use ‘The Urban Dictionary’ which is very handy for ‘Middle Class’ people like me who have no idea what people are saying to me. I decided to type in ‘SOL’ to see what result comes back, and I was amazed by the amount of things ‘SOL’ means. For example I had; ‘Smile Out Loud’, ‘Shit Outta Luck’, ‘Sex On Legs’, ‘Snorting Out Loud’, ‘Sigh Out Loud’, ‘Snigger Out Loud’ and more sensibly, and surprisingly ‘Speed Of Light’, I didn’t even know the speed of light was a such popular topic of discussion with my peers.

We come to the point in my blog, where I don’t know how to conclude. We already know that everyone’s social standards are falling, with no-one even talking to each other, which is favourite topic amongst comedians who have many jokes about the silence on public transport. Basically, all that I have proven is that a few people I socialise with don’t own a dictionary and are very good at hiding their dyslexia – insult not intended to anyone who has dyslexia, or indeed anyone I know, I am just saying.

So, it’s time for me to say – C U L8r...
Or as I say it – Toodles M’dearys
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The Comedy Downturn – Part Two

Part Two of the blog I like to call ‘The Comedy Downturn’ is here now, and is about comedy shows which have been axed, by what the corporation that goes by the name of the ‘BBC’ and I’ll wonder why they have been dropped, as well as giving my view of the few good comedy shows on the television.

Recent news tells us that the BBC 1 show, ‘Not Going Out’ has not been commissioned another series. It has two great comedians which ‘act’ in it, Lee Mack and Tim Vine, whom are both well known comedians on the stand-up scene and are quite clever with their comedy. They did manage to get to series two of it on BBC 1, although they haven’t finished showing the rest of the second series, and we will have to wait until later in the year to watch the last two episodes. I’m not going to be hypocritical and pretend that I loved it, because I didn’t, but it was still a good Sitcom, which made me laugh and was still reasonably clever. And yet the show has now been sent to the ‘Sin Bin’ of television, when there is lots of rubbish on telly, which should have been sent there after the first viewing, like some of the ones mentioned in yesterdays blog.

Joining ‘Not Going Out’ is Peter Serafinowicz, whose show is, or should I say was, a fast paced, original comedy sketch show which was shown in the undergrowth of BBC 2 viewing, which meant it was hard for it to get brilliant viewing figures. Even the Christmas special was shown quite late on BBC 2. And now it has been dropped and won’t get another series, which it deserves. It was pretty clever, and although you probably could say it went too far with certain things, it still was brilliant for a laugh and is what the comedy sketch show should be like in my opinion, instead of this Al Murray and Horne & Cordon stuff.

You can’t really say that there is anything on Television at the moment which can stand the test of time and in twenty years time, still make people laugh. Show’s like Monty Python. Although over 20 years old, is still a great example of comedy which came out of Great Britain, and can is considered funny by all generations, and the lines can be heard repeated where ever you go, from the school classroom to on the street. It shows that even over twenty years later, it can be shown to us now, and still make everyone laugh, which is something that cannot be said for any new comedy on television these days.

A new favourite of mine is ‘Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle’. It’s not because we share the same first name (although spelt differently), or because he reminds me of one of my old school teachers, Mr Robinson. It’s because it’s good old fashioned satire, with sophistication worthy of BBC 4. It mixes stand-up, with sketches throughout which relate to the subject Stewart is talking about, performed by other comedians, such as Tim Vine and Peter Serafinowicz. Stand the test of time, it may not, but funny it sure is. I hope the show isn’t sent straight to the ‘Sin Bin’ and is allowed another series because I am really enjoying this one.

Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe/Newswipe on BBC 4 is very good too. Although technically he is only a columnist, who is occasionally let onto the Television, he is extremely funny... and right. Although he may express his views rather strongly, you cannot argue with what he is saying, because he is right about pretty much everything. As well as being funny and entertaining, his shows are also a good way of finding out how the media works, it’s quite factual as well I suppose is a better way to put it. His shows are something I make sure I watch every week, because they are very entertaining.

There is a lot of bad television programs around, which people class as ‘comedy’ these days, which clogs up space in the Radio Times, and is quite popular for some unknown reason and therefore the old fashioned comedy, which are funny, are being dropped. It’s a real shame. I’ve now been forced to buy boxsets of comedy shows, like ‘The IT Crowd’ and ‘Mr Bean’ and awaiting delivery of ‘The Ronnie Barker Collection’ to keep me amused while comedy writers have meetings to discuss the best way to get out of this ‘Comedy Downturn’ and solve the ‘Laughter Shortage’, or so I wish. I expect comedy is going to worse before it gets better...
Although on April 24th, Have I Got News For You returns to our screens, so that’s something to look forward to and see us a through this dark patch in comedy.

Toodles m’dearys
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The Comedy Downturn – Part One

The state of comedy on Telly at the moment is pretty terrible, and it must be enough to make Ronnie Barker spin in his grave at the thought of it. It’s not because TV is ‘dumbing down’ like a lot of people think it is, it’s because good comedy costs money, which no one seems to have, and therefore all good comedy is on hiatus, while the unfunny comedy rules the comedy scene. It’s not just new comedy shows which are awful, but also the old classics are now beginning to date and are becoming less funny, and yet television bosses continue to commission them.

It was reported widely last week that people are not laughing as much as they did last year. It’s not because of the credit crunch or because we’re all going to drown in the next 10 years, it’s because the new series of ‘My Family’ is on BBC again, for its 9th Series. I personally think it has had its time as a popular Sitcom, and is now beginning to drift down the comedy river with a hole at the bottom, which is causing it to slowly and painfully sink, taking Robert Lindsey (Who I quite like) with it.

Another comedy show which will be wreck on the bottom of the metaphorical comedy river (hopefully) soon, is ‘Horne and Cordon’. On paper I should like this show. It’s a fast paced comedy sketch show, which is unfortunately on BBC 3, and not a lot of successful comedy comes from there. It is basically just half hour of recycled jokes which other comedians have done, and frankly, done much better than they did.

Another show, which again, on paper I should like, is ‘Al Murray’s Multiple Personality Disorder’. Again, it is a comedy sketch show (although not very fast paced) with Al Murray, one of my favourite comedians, which even in the sketch show, pokes fun at people of different social classes and countries. Shame is though, it’s awful. Although the show does show that Al Murray can do other things other than be the Pub Landlord, it is unfortunately, predicable rubbish. The sketches are not very good, with the Homosexual Nazi being an utterly awful creation with lots of sexual innuendo’s and ‘Prudent Dad’ is basically Al Murray putting on a Yorkshire accent and mentioning sex a lot, in a way that doesn’t even make me (a sex obsessed teenager with an incredibly dirty mind) laugh.

Then we come onto Red Dwarf. In its past, it is widely known that not every series of Red Dwarf is considered to be brilliant, with other series being more entertaining than others, and luckily, the new series shown on Dave kept to that formula. Even though it was still quite entertaining and funny, it didn’t seem to have the same chemistry as the old series'. Although, it is widely known that comebacks don’t tend to really work unless Gary Barlow is involved. It was never going to be as good as the classic Red Dwarf which we now watch on Dave, but I was disappointed with it. Although I’m not going to go as far as to say it was awful, because I don’t think it was that bad.

There is a lot of comedy these days which is purely ‘Crap’. Gone are the days when Richard Curtis wrote comedy Sitcoms that made the whole family laugh and gone are the days when duo’s done cleaver comedy with each other while wearing trademark glasses. It also seems the day of the catchphrase has got just as rubbish. I remember the days when everyone went around saying ‘I Don’t Believe It!’ whereas the school playground now is full of people wearing Burberry and saying to each other ‘Yeah, but, no, but, yeah...’ Trash, that’s what comedy seems to be these days, trash.

Not all comedy is trash though, there is some good old fashioned comedy still alive today, and tomorrows blog will be the second part of ‘The Comedy Downturn’ blogs, but it will be (slightly) more positive and will look at more successful comedy shows which have been on the Television recently and in the past, and why the hell some of them haven’t been commissioned for another series by the BBC, to make room for this ‘new talent’ as they seem to call it.

Toodles m’dearys
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Easter - The Celebration of the Birth of Christ... No, It's the Death of Christ... Is it? Well Either Way It's The Time Something Happened To Christ

Okay, I know that Easter is celebrating the reincarnation of the character Jesus Christ, from the well known book ‘The Bible’, but I am merely demonstrating the point that a lot of people don’t know why they get four days off, apart from to eat Easter Eggs and watch old movies on the telly. I don’t know a great deal about the story, but I am an Atheist who went to a Methodist Primary School and paid no attention to any of the bible stories.

I may not be very familiar with all the ins and outs of Easter, but I like to think I have a rough idea. Now, I’m about to give my gist of the story, which probably won’t be very accurate, but I’ll have a go, and if I’m wrong, I don’t really care, it just means I’m illustrating the point that no one really knows what Easter is about, better than I planned.

Okay, on Palm Sunday Jesus rode in to Jerusalem on a Donkey with ‘Taxi’ tattooed down the side, while walking on Palm leaves which people put down in front of the donkey. A few days later, Jesus had a fancy dinner party with his 12 groupies called ‘The Disciples’ and fed them with Blood and Skin (Or more famously known as ‘Wine and Bread’). The next day, he was put on a cross, along with a guy called Brian, and they whistled/sang to forget their pains. The Romans then put his dead body in cave and a few days later when they went back, his body had disappeared, therefore meaning he had come back to life – apparently.

It’s funny how many ignorant people there are around, who have no idea what Easter is about, and don't understand the difference between the Birth and Death of Jesus. Looking around on the Internet, you find people posting things which illustrate the point that no one knows what Easter is actually celebrating. I read one thing, which said she was celebrating the birth of Jesus with an Easter Egg. Whether she was joking or not, I don’t know, but that was the inspiration for my blog title.

I don’t understand why we celebrate the death and reincarnation of someone with a chocolate egg and hot cross buns, but for some reason we do. I didn’t have a hot cross bun this year, and I haven’t any other year. I got far too many Easter Eggs this year though, and all I’m doing is sitting and looking at them, wondering why. It’s the same every year, just like other religious festivals.

One of the jokes you hear repeated a lot at Easter, is people saying things like ‘Easter is to celebrate the chocolate egg’ or they start off by sounding serious and saying ‘People forget the true meaning of Easter...’ and conclude with the obvious ending ‘...the chocolate’. It’s a very old and over used joke, which I’m sure everyone must be sick off, well I am at least. My next blog will be about comedy and the state of it at the moment, so look forward to that...

Anyway, I hope you all had a good Easter and are so fat after eating a continuous supply of Easter Eggs that you look in the mirror and wish you was dead...
HAPPY EASTER m’dearys
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P.S. The picture of the rabbits is just sooo cute!!

Advertising To The 'YouTube' Generation

For once, I've not written a blog to moan about the ignorance of people or point out the faults in today's society and brand everyone an idiot again - This blog to actually applaud something, in a positive way.

I'm sure most people are aware of the new 118-247 Yell advertising campaign, made by Weebl, with its catchy little tune and its fun, old school animation. You may be aware that it's a copy of Magical Trevor, and he even features in the advert as one of people waiting for the curry, which was there in a hurry.

It's good to start appealing to the 'YouTube' generation, who have a short attention spans because with YouTube being full of 'hilarious' clips which are 10 seconds long, adverts which explain the new science of shampoo, toothpaste, face creams and drinks are not the thrilling things you can watch. Also, the advert appeals to old people, because the catchy tune gets stuck in your head, and therefore, theoretically, old people should be able to remember the six digit number - 118-247.

Weebl have created many 'virals' as they're called which have become quite popular ways for bored people to pass the time with videos such as 'Badger, Badger, Badger' and 'Weebl and Bob.' The adverts on TV and Radio both reflect the success of their random video website, and I hope more adverts emerge soon which go along the same lines.

Below are two videos. The first one is one of the ‘Magical Trevor’ videos, and the other is Yell 118/247 advert. Enjoy.

A nice short blog, with two video’s. Makes a change doesn’t it.
Toodles M’dearys
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Personal Computers Gone Mad - Is It Politically Correct to say 'Gone Mad'?

You often hear of people saying “Oh, that’s political correctness gone mad I tells ya”, although has it really gone made, or is everyone just exaggerating it so that the word ‘black’ is now racist and making a joke about a disability or being gay, is met by the audience gasping in shock. Also, I think it’s quite easy to agree that the picture of a Golliwog I’ve put, demonstrates my point of political incorrectness ‘going mad’ so to speak.

Someone who is often on the receiving end of some form of ‘Political Correctness’ is Jade Goody, who made a passing comment on Big Brother, which offended the entire country and led to being called a ‘British Disgrace’ by the media. The comment wasn’t even that bad, and wasn’t really much different to what people sitting at home watching, might say carelessly. Then of course the media done a metaphorical U-turn and started to call her ‘The Nation’s Princess’ when she got cancer and died. Then it was politically incorrect apparently to say anything, which might possibly offend, about her. It got to the point on Twitter, where every time I said something about her, I got bombarded by angry people telling me to show respect. Jade Goody, for now, is the icon of ‘PC gone mad.’

If we travel back in time a few months, and we arrive at the start of the Ross/Brand fiasco with the prank calls, they were considered ‘Politically Incorrect.’ Apparently you’re not allowed to phone up the grandparent of a whore, and refer to her as a whore. Maybe I’ve exaggerated that a little, but the basics of the argument are still there. Political Correctness hasn’t gone mad, it’s just there are lots of grumpy people who sit watching the news, and as soon as they get offended by anything, they call up OFCOM.

‘Black’ isn’t offence. Black is an adjective, describing a very dark shade. In fact, how many black people do you see? You see people with darker skin, but never do you see someone walking down the street that has actual black skin – if you see what I mean. And as for making jokes about disabled people, gay people or gay, disabled people, why is that any different to someone making a joke about someone with ginger hair, or a politician?

And going back to racism – this ‘politically incorrect racism’ does seem to be part of our culture. When my Nan is talking about an Asian person, she doesn’t call them Asian, she refers to them as a ‘Darky’, but does that mean my Nan is racist? No, it just means she’s part of an older generation, who come from a different culture to now, and who didn’t live under fear of political incorrectness. There is nothing offensive about ‘Darky’.
When its Christmas time and the whole family are gathered, the culture has always been that someone sitting in the corner says something, which can be misconstrued as being racist. In my family, you usually find my Step-Sister is the one who makes them comments. She’ll regale us in tale which happened during the year which involves a Muslim neighbour, or some kid who can’t speak English at the Primary school she works at, which usually ends in one of two sentences. “If they want to live in our country, then they’ve got to learn to speak English” or “Why don’t they just go back to where they came from.” Yet, in no way do I think she is being racist in any shape or form, but merely expressing an opinion. Which, last time I checked, you’re still allowed to do. When someone moans about a building having to have disabled access, they’re allowed to do so as part of ‘Freedom of Speech’ which includes expressing your opinion, and not everyone is going to like it – but that doesn’t mean they have to sue that person and get £1Million in compensation because his feelings have been hurt.

Political Correctness hasn’t gone mad, and in fact, I don’t even think political correctness even exists, and was a creation by the media, to put fear into people every time they speak their mind, and make people turn around and check the coast is clear before telling their friend a joke, which, out of context, could possibly be taken the wrong way and considered ‘Politically Incorrect’ to say so.

Another strong opinion, put across by me, but hey. I hope no-one has read this and think me and my family are racist.
Toodles m’dearys.
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Stuart Collyer’s View of Program Titles

I’m sure if you’ve picked up any television guide recently, you would have noticed the latest thing with program titles at the moment, is to endorse the celebrity that is appearing in the show, rather than endorse the show by its merits. The trend seems to be starting the title of a program with the 'celebrity' presenters’ name. I say 'celebrity' loosely because you tend to find you either have no idea who the person is, the person is trying to kick-start their career again, or in rare cases, you actually know who they are. I’m sure David Van Day will have his own show soon, bearing his name due to his sickening vanity, if he doesn’t already that is anyway.

The current list of shows includes things such as; Richard Hammond's Engineering Connections, Heston's Victorian Feast, Alan Whicker's Journey of a Lifetime, The Graham Norton Show, Monty Halls' Great Escape, Chris Moyles's Quiz Show, Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare, Piers Morgan's Life Stories, and so many more.

I can understand why chat shows bare the presenters’ name, because they are quite essential to the program, and you would find it hard to distinguish between the shows otherwise. Documentary shows, in no way need to have the presenters name on them. It now seems that the show is more about the presenter than the show. It makes the program sound a lot more interesting that it actually is. Who would have watched a show called 'Engineering Connections' or 'Darwin's Garden'? They sound very bland, and by adding the name of the presenter, it magically sounds more interesting - even though, the information put forward by the show is exactly the same, and people tend to finish watching the show, and think "Well that was boring" and consequently are left disappointed.

David Attenborough doesn't 'brand' his shows with his name. You never saw 'David Attenborough's Planet Earth' in the radio times did you? Maybe that was because it makes him sound like God, but that's not the point I'm making. His shows are successful for the shows content and not for his name. It's rare to see a show, that doesn't bare the presenters name on the front, like his. Newsnight isn't called 'Jeremy Paxman's Newsnight'. Although I'm sure he'd probably quite like it to be.

I suppose television bosses need something to keep themselves entertained while they think of other ways to deceive the British public and swindle money out of us in other ways, because they can't use telephone scams because people are expecting that now, and seem to be more cautious.

So yes, that’s it from me really, until next time.
Toodles m’dearys
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