The Stuart Awards 2012

Well, it was that time of year where I present, through the power of typing, my awards for some of the best and worse things of the year. However, University work and a dodgy laptop, put the least anticipated awards ceremony back a few weeks. You know, just like the American writer's strike meant they had to postpone The Grammy's...
Anyway, it's time to crack on with the first awards:

Music
Most Annoying Song of the Year: Rihanna made an observation this year that diamonds are actually quite shiny, then repeated it in a 4 minute song and made lots of money by doing so. Rihanna - Shine Bright is easily one of the most overrated songs of the year too.

Song of the Year: This award goes to a song that I have to sing along with when I hear it. The amount of odd looks I have had from other drivers in their mirrors and as they drive past is quite surprising. Matchbox Twenty - She's So Mean is even possibly my song of the decade so far.

Disappointing Song of the Year: This a song by my favourite band. I almost exploded when I found out they were releasing new stuff this year. The song, however, is utter popular nonsense with it including pointless lyrics, rapping and over use of obscenities. Maroon 5 - Payphone makes me sad.

Disappointing Album of the Year: I originally gave this award to Maroon 5, but it was a bit harsh on an album I still listen to frequently; it would have been unfair. Instead, I give this to Matt Cardle - The Fire which is one of those albums you forget you are listening to, so when you finish, you have no idea how any of it sounds. This is disappointing because I love his debut album.

Album of the Year: This is going to sound like I live in a small monotonous bubble, but the winner of this award goes to Matchbox Twenty - North. As I said when I wrote my blog reviewing this album, it is everything that I wanted from Maroon 5.

Musical Experience of the Year: I went to see The War of the World's tour, and it was easily one of my best experiences of the year. The music was powerful and top notch. Also, I like saying it to show off and make people jealous. However, other times people look at me blankly; they're loss.

TV/Film
Drama of the Year: Despite happening last January, nothing has actually matched the brilliance of the second series of Sherlock. Not only because it has an attractive naked lady in it, but because the acting is brilliant, the stories were perfect and the music for the series is delightful. Top notch British drama!

Series of the Year: I literally spent an hour trying to think of someone else to give this award to, but as I tend not to watch any of the series considered to be among the best (The Killing, Breaking Bad and Homeland), I cannot be pretend to be 'broadly cultured'. So, like every other year, this goes to Doctor Who for their series of spectacular stories that grip, amaze and intrigue most. Bravo Moffat.

TV Disgrace of the Year: I didn't watch much because I found it awful, cringe-worthy viewing. The Work Experience exploited people desperate to get into the fashion business, and put them in unbelievable scenarios. It was like Jeremy Beadle if he were a teenager with an ASBO. And I'm Spazictus was just as bad.

Comedy of the Year: This goes to a show which packed in so many laughs, you barely had time to breath in between. There were all manner jokes, ranging from the visual ones placed everywhere, to one liners so obvious they slap you around the face because you didn't think of it. A Touch of Cloth is comedy gold, albeit on Sky, and I cannot wait for the next instalment.

Comedy Disgrace of the Year: Again, I didn't watch much of this, but because people were raving about it, I thought I'd give it a go. Cardinal Burns on E4 is a sketch show for idiots, essentially. The characters are horrible and the humour fails to put even a hint of a smile on my face.

Sad to see it End of the Year: Harry Hill's TV Burp. Now, THERE was a show that didn't fail to make giggle in a silly manner. It was a shame to see it come to an end in 2012 after 11 years.

Film of the Year: I don't usually see many films, but the past year there has been a change; partly aided by the other half working for a while in a cinema. The standout film, for me, was The Dark Knight Rises, and not just because because it contains catsuits. The film was not what I expected, but it was brilliant.

Children's Film of the Year: I have seen many of them too, from Brave to Pirates!. However, the best film, by a long shot, has to be The Muppets. It just delightful, and it's nice to see such an upbeat film that made me giggle and cry.

Celebrity
Celebrity Death of the Year: Well, for something to push the Page 3 girl all the way back to Page 11 in The Sun, the story had to be shocking and full of scandal. That's why Whitney Houston's death has won this award, just because it was revealed she took drugs. Essentially, she could have been what Amy Winehouse would have been like in the future.

'How are they famous?' of the Year: The X Factor has revealed and exploited some shocking people in the past, but Rylan Clark is the worse of the all. He could not sing, and was massively hated. Yet, now he is one of the biggest celebrity names in the UK. Let's hope he isn't the male version of Jade Goody, just thinner and with more 'style'.

Rear of the Year: This can only go to one person. We will never forget the chalk white cheeks of Prince Harry as he partied in LA. They will stay with us forever...

Public Relationship Issues of the Year: Well Robert Pattinson breaking up with Kristen Stewart after she kissed her director was played so publicly that Twitter thought they were friends of the two actors, and gossiped as if 'R Patz' had texted them himself.

Journalism
Most Ignored Report of the Year: Leveson's. Everyone said they wanted the problems of journalism solved. He did it. No-one liked what he said, so just pretended it mostly didn't exists.

Scandal of the Year: No-one will forget everything that came out about Jimmy Savile in 2012. The story is like a snowball tumbling down a snowy mountain. It's just getting bigger and bigger and continuing to engulf everything that happens to be in its path; the BBC, the police and almost everything you liked about the 80's.

Foreign Scandal of the Year: I have never seen the media be as righteous about something than when a French magazine dared to print topless photographs of Kate Middleton. Really, they just wished they could...

U-Turn of the Year: Remember the media bashing that the Olympics received in the months building up to it? Then remember how the opening ceremony seemed to brainwash everyone into loving it? Funny that.

Second U-Turn of the Year: Remember when the media was stating that the nurse was an idiot for not suspecting something dodgy about the Queen phoning to check on Kate? Then remember how they quickly changed their minds when they found out the nurse committed suicide and tried to find someone else to blame? Funny that.

Politics
Lowest Election Turnout of the Year: The Police and Crime Commissioner's vote wins this award for the shambles the election was, and how as a result no-one voted. I have no real idea who was up for election in my area, still.

Up and Coming Party of the Year: UKIP have this year, overtaken the Lib Dems in the polls. Oops, it seems Nick Clegg messed up there...

Gate of the Year: With the police working together to get Andrew Mitchell out of office, Plebgate has highlighted that the police are not to be trusted. Don't believe a word they say, even if you're asking for directions.

General
Badly Written Book of the Year: There are no awards, however, for guessing what book wins this. Having only read the first few pages, it is glaringly obvious that the characters are shallow, with weak imagery, full of product placement and written by someone with no concept of how the English language works. 50 Shades of Grey is not even worth using to light a fire.

Ceremony of the Year: There are so many to choose from, but if only purely because of the use of Rowan Atkinson, it has to be the Opening Olympic Ceremony.

Jubilee Celebration of the Year: The concert outside Buckingham Palace as part of Her Majesty celebrating 60 years on the throne wins this award, if only for Madness being involved and projecting animations on the palace.

Pregnancy of the Year: In her second award of the year, Kate Middleton wins this award for having unprotected sex with Prince William... Go on, treat yourself picture them conceiving it...


And that's I'm afraid. It's time to drink up the Cava, leave this awards ceremony and go home. This is the first first awards ceremony to come come to you, typed to you on my Kindle. It's been hard work, and as I'm sure you'll agree, barely worth it.

Regardless, thank you attending the fifth Stuart Awards. I'm sure 2013 will contain similar misanthropy, and that Kate Middleton will win the awards for best baby of 2013.