The Shame Of Britain Awards

Just to start, this in no way is mocking The Pride Of Britain Awards, just merely an idea which I've had, in which we can name and shame some of Britain's more shocking people. It can be made as a follow-up to Crimewatch if we wanted. It'd also be just as popular (if not more) than the Pride Of Britain Awards because it'd appeal to the Jeremy Kyle audience who like to watch dysfunctional people be humiliated infront of a national audience.

It would still be a very similar format, with Carol Vorderman wearing a skin tight dress, and he celebrity element would still be there; all sitting around tables with bottles of wine and piles of used tissues, which I assume where used for tears. Gordon Brown would still sit at the front trying to grin, Mr Twat (A.K.A. Piers Morgan) would still try and get in every camera shot he possibly could and Simon Cowell would still be there for everyone to make snide comments about. The event wouldn't be opened by a Dance group called Diversity, but instead a Dance group called Intolerance.

The idea would not to give them awards and hailing them a 'Hero' of our time, but would instead be given an envelope. Within the envelope, would be their jail sentence written on a piece of card. The card wouldn't be given to them by celebrities, and would instead be 'given' to them by footballers. Maybe not 'given', more tied around footballs and the footballers kick the ball in their face.

Now these people have done bad things, I'm not going to ask footballers to kick balls as hard as they can in the faces of normal people. People who have stolen handbags from old ladies, murders of single mums and hit and run drivers are smacked in the face with a ball inviting them to do N number of years inside a prison at Her Majesties Pleasure. These people are locked in cages at the side of the stage and are not allowed to look at the celebrities otherwise they get tasered in the eyes. Cruel, I know.
There would still be tears, so if you want a good cry, you could still watch this show. However, you wouldn't be crying with happiness and pride, but instead disgust and because you’ll find the tales repulsive, even if you have only got a small amount of morals. The good outcome of this idea would be that the criminals would be punished, and crime wouldn't be glamorised, and only the criminal minds who want a peak of Carol Vordermen's cleavage would commit crimes. Or at least that's what the idea is anyway.

This version would also make all the people who have done remarkable things, like rescuing families from over turned cars, campaigning for Cancer charities and being constantly selfless, look even better and make them more inspirational to people to be nicer and live in a world of harmony, or we can at least hope. Anyway, that's enough on the Shame Of Britain Awards, and now onto something much more positive, The Pride Of Britain Awards.

In a time where everyone is down and depressed, these kind of inspirational stories are heart-warming that people can actually be nice; someone doing the selfless act of running across a Motorway to save a family from their crashed car and a young boy who since getting extreme Leukaemia, has become very confident and is now a main campaigner for Great Ormonds Street Hospital. It's these kinds of stories that make you forget the bad, and hammer in the good points of humanity. Selfless teenagers are quite common also, which is surprising because from what the Media has told us, all teenagers are drunk and drugged up, and if they're female - pregnant.

Being my cynical self, I always think up negative points, and I like to play a game called 'Spot The Irony'. Naomi Cambell giving an ex-convict an award for turning his life around? Surely not! A bit of favouritism for Cheryl Cole aswell from the producers -not only did she give an award to someone with some of the other Girls Aloud members, but she also gave another award with the X-Factor entourage - I think she's after Vorderman's job.

Now I'm off too contact some TV Executives, and hope no-one has taken any offence to anything.

P.S. How can Gordon Brown still look like such a mug when he gives the inventor of the MRI machine an award?

P.P.S. Blog special coming soon.

Yes, Another Pompous Review

IT'S NOW OVER! I promise this will be my last blog about Britain's Got Talent, well until next year anyway. You may have noticed that this past week, everywhere has been mainly about Britain's Got Talent - even if you went on holiday, you wouldn't get away from it because the world is addicted apparently. Twitter is swamped by comments about it, Facebook is full of supporters creating fan group, and the newspapers are loving it, as well as the news programs which directly follow it and tell us what happened all over again.

Let's just quickly run through the acts that made it into the final. Flawless, a dance group, which were very similar to Diversity in the fact both groups were made of dancers from different minorities. There was Aidan Davis, who was also a dancer, who was compared to being the next Justin Timberlake, and he was good. Also there was another dance duo, called Stavros Flatley who were a Greek father and son group, who do Irish dancing. I say Irish dancing, all they seemed to do was prance around the stage with their tops off - their influence looked to be Omid Djalili. So, that's 4 dance acts.
We had Shaheen Jafargholi, which isn't just a load of letters stuck together, it is actually his name, and for some reason my spell checker doesn't like it. Anyway, he was a young singing boy, who sung some songs. We had 2 Grand, who are a Grandfather/Granddaughter singing act, who sung together quite well, seeming to favour the more operatic songs. As did Hollie Steel, the blabber mouth as The Sun called her Saturday, who cried in the Semi-Finals because she got nervous. It's not her fault. She didn't want to sing, and when her mother pushed her on stage in that ballerina costume, it really hurt. Shaun Smith was singer too, and indeed, my favourite singer of the lot as he was singing my kind of songs. We also had Susan Boyle, who we all know as that Scottish thing. Her dress for the final made her look like a mermaid - who had eaten all the fish in the ocean. So that's 5 singing acts.
The last act was Julian Smith, who seems to only know how to play two songs, but managed to bluff his way to the final. He was a rather good saxophone player, and was the only saxophone player in the finals. However, in the semi-finals there was a bloke who could make the sound of a saxophone for the sake of it, but he didn't make it to the final surprisingly.
So going by those statistics, that means the world now thinks that 40% of us can dance, 50% sing and the other 10% all go around playing the saxophone. Not exactly a huge range of talent we seem to have here by the looks of it. One thing I noticed is that I don't remember seeing one comedian this year, which means we're all serious twerps as well. None of us can act either because no actors got into the semi finals. There were no painters, meaning we must all live dull lives. There were no writers, which is a talent, all be it a rather dull one to watch. There was a group of knitters, but they weren't entertaining enough and resulting in them being booed off. Britain has more talent to offer than singers, dancers and a saxophone player - surely.

I must say though, that I am rather proud of you lot. Julian Smith, the saxophone player came third. Susan Boyle, the new Jade Goody as far as I'm concerned came second and Diversity, the dance act who I was supporting to win, actually won - I picked a winner. You didn't listen to The Sun tell 'subtly' tell you to vote for Susan Boyle because she was the best (which she wasn't), you actually grew a backbone and voted for the talent in the competition - Diversity.
Although now, it seems we must have slipped into a parallel universe, because this was bad, according to Piers Morgan's posy, which is more commonly known as 'The Media'. The headlines have included things such as 'Britain's Got Talent Upset'. Yes, it seems that the public went mad, and voted for the wrong person last night - how could Diversity possibly win. Potato face was obviously the best act... The media are not happy today. It's almost as bad as Diana dying. You see the media are always right. Either they predicted something right and boast about it, or they were right, and everyone else was wrong. At the moment, it's the latter.
This is all despite the fact that we have found out that Susan Boyle is set to make over £8millon through her Internet success, so unfortunately, this isn't the last we have heard of her, and there is some more mileage for the media to push her through. I'm expecting Diversity to perform in front of the Queen, and unless Prince Charles makes a racist remake towards them, be forgotten about and cast to metaphorical waste bin of reality TV, were David Van Day, Jade Goody and Michael Barrymore now rest, because they have been overshadowed by a huge Boyle.

But despite all that, let me say once again to you - the general public; Thank-you for not giving Susan Boyle a majority of the votes on the Britain's Got Talent final. Don't get used to it though, it won't be long before you all do something stupid and I have to write another blog calling you all idiots, yet again.

Toodles m’dearys
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