The Torturesome Twinge Of Teeth

I am reaching a point in my life when I've discovered that my entire body, and particularly the pain receptors which are linked between certain parts of my body and my bastard brain, hate me. My body likes to randomly stop doing things, which other people's body's do perfectly well, just for the sheer hell of it. My toe nails every other year decide to grow inwards because I wear shoes, something which almost every other person on this planet can achieve in one way or another without having to visit a 'foot specialist'. Most people can eat a dinner without their stomach growling like a cow afterwards for reasons no-one really knows. I can't sit in a Costa coffee shop without randomly hiccupping at least once at some point during the visit, whether I've drunk hot chocolate, water or eaten an egg sandwich. Most people can touch a shopping trolley or a light switch without getting a static shot. My ears can't sustain a winter without just refusing not to work with no prior warning. A lot of people can also have teeth in their mouth without a chronic pain which emotionally cripples them and is only kept at bay by living off Pain Killers.

For nearly six months, I have had the same on/off pain in the left side of mouth. Not to one specific tooth; every single flaming tooth on the left of my mouth hurts in some sort of orderly fashion. The pain itself is hard to describe, but I shall try anyway.

You know when you get a deep cut on your hands or anywhere on your body, and you get in a warm bath a few hours after sustaining the said injury, and it stings quite a bit, yet you keep curiously putting it in and out to feel the pain? It's a lot worse than that. You know when you burn your tongue on a hot dinner and you have that painful discomfort for a few days? It's a lot worse than that. You know when you have been punched in the groin by someone with a stud ring on seventy three times within a year minute while having an elephant truck stuffed in your ear gradually? It's worse than that. You know when you get run over by a twenty ton truck going at 150mph down a hill covered in scorpions with a snake pit at the bottom? It's probably not as bad as that. You know when you've been forced to watch every hour of Big Brother contestants blathering in the diary room while someone poked pins randomly into you while another person punched you once every four hours in the face? It's about the same as that. Really irritating intense painful discomfort and you wish it would just stop because you cannot believe how long it can go on for, whilst thinking to yourself "This cannot be good for my mouth".

The obvious answer is to go and visit the Dentist when you get a pain in your mouth, and like a normal person, I did. In fact, in the past six months I have now visited him five times and the hospital once. I've been poked and scrapped and drilled and moulded and x-rayed while taking varying prescribed tablets, and yet, still, the pain has failed to disappear. Now, this is leading me to thinking a number of things. I could be suffering from some rare syndrome not directly related to my teeth but causes this pain (I don't know if such a thing exists, but I still think it). I could be going insane and imagining these pains like the maniac I've clearly transformed into. Maybe I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life because that's how my body rolls.

No-one knows the source of my pain. Everyone has had suspicions, but no-one has actually been proved to be correct. It started life as nerve damage which would be solved by a week’s antibiotics over the Christmas week. Then it wasn't. Then it was due to a tooth being slightly large which would be solved by drilling part of it off. Then it wasn't. Then it might have either been cists or a wisdom tooth which we would find out by an x-ray. Then it wasn't. Now, it's apparently due to me grinding my teeth which will apparently be solved by a bite guard. (It isn't, but my Dentist won't listen to me).

My perfect pearly teeth in X-ray form

I just do not know what the problem is. Maybe my Doctor will help me this week. I'm going to see him about this pain, and I feel guilty, like I'm cheating on my Dentist. Either way, I think this to be conclusive proof that God does not exist. I'm a good, respectful, caring, helpful and reliable person, and even though I don't believe in him, if I were 'one of his flock', he should look after me regardless. I do not deserve this intense pain for six months, and I cannot see how this can be part of his 'divine plan' for my life, so he cannot exist. OR, he does exist and he is a real sadistic bastard. If so, he's probably German…

In the past few months I have also ingested the equivalent to half of Boots, in a vain attempt to save myself from the pain of my mouth. Anadin. Anadin Extra. Boots Paracetamol. Tesco Paracetamol. Morrison's Paracatamol. Panadol. Panadol Fast Relief. Ibrufen. Co Codamol. Pain Killing Mouth wash. And various dissolvable tablets, but the name has vanished. I could be mistaken as an addict. If I got pulled over, I'd probably lose my licence for driving under the influence. Also, the frequency in which I visit the toilet has been increased as a result of poisoning my system. It doesn't matter how many drugs I stuff down my throat, the pain still exists, just the intensity may decrease slightly. Bastards. My teeth are going to kill me, and I don't mean that one night they'll leap out of my mouth, grow to 6 foot tall and then just start throwing me about until I'm a limp carcass (however, gangs of giant teeth are a very serious problem for a modern Britain), I just mean they'll figuratively kill me.

Anyway, I think I failed at describing the pain in my dental region, even though it is a right Piers Morgan (synonymous with being a huge, ugly, rude pain in my arse), so let me pass that responsibility to the XKCD comic...

Dental Nerve - XKCD

UPDATE:
Since the writing of this blog, I've had a few more visits to the Dentist. Turns out I had a huge infection in the tooth I had a filling in some months back, so I'm now in the middle of Root Canal treatment and the pain has subsided. Good news for me, but my Dentist is still confused why it never appeared on any x-rays. The wonders of Dentistry aye...