The Other Way Is Sussex

Television isn't in a great place at the moment. There are moments when brilliance peers through, like the sun shining through occasional holes in the dark, rain-filled clouds of idiocy, but overall, only taboo language can successfully describe the light emitted from everyone's televisions. Dramas are, for the most part, relatively predictable and usually pretty boring these days. Comedy's are, for the most part, aimed at the stereotypically stupid and mentally disabled. Talent shows are, for the most part, fixed to give Simon Cowell media coverage and money. And documentaries; they seem to be choreographed to show the 'real lives' of the stereotypically stupid and horny, shown on ITV 2 and E4.

With television being mostly repeats, it's not so much a bother that the output is mainly crap, than it would have been 15 years ago before we had a huge selection of TV to choose from, but it is. With there being very little output of new shows, we need those shows to be brilliant, fantastic, sensational, inspiring and many other buzz words. Let's take comedies as an example. It's all a matter of opinion, I know, but comedy isn't funny.

I can think of three sitcoms in recent years, that have come from British television, which are reliably funny; Outnumbered (BBC 1), The IT Crowd (C4) and Not Going Out (BBC 1). The former is a great, part improvised, comedy with child actors to be jealous of and wish were your own children. It is the younger, funnier brother of My Family, in that most people can relate to it in one way or another. The IT Crowd is just written by one of our greatest comedy writers in current times; Graham Lineham, who created characters people emphasis with whilst laughing at, and has storylines that take the strangest of turns and can have a house of people cackling madly. The latter, Not Going Out, has those brilliant one lines that resonate and make you laugh louder the more you think about it and stay with you for a long time. The acting may not be anything special, but those lines make up for it. The BBC made a good choice when they decided to 'uncancel' it. Also, take Horrible Histories (CBBC), highly amusing and possibly one of the greatest current comedies, with it mixing intellect with witty sketches. The kids have it so good these days. I had an idea that they should create an adult version for a prime-time BBC 2 slot, but you know what, I think if they showed the CBBC episodes in the evening, it would be just as successful. Plus, people might actually learn something about the Romans, The Tudors and more importantly, The Stuarts! I loved those books when I was child, and turning it into a television show, albeit 10 years late, was a great idea.

The other sitcoms that keep spewing out are not reliably funny and can sometimes make you cringe and want to eat your own eyes and ears so you don't have to withstand another second of it. Anything on BBC 3 usually ticks that box. Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, which I hope is ironically named, is awful, disgusting and utterly vile. Coming of Age seems to think it has cleverly exaggerated the teenage stereotype with humorous consequences, but has instead created glaringly wretched characters with storylines so weak an Ant could beat it in a fight. We Are Klang, from 2009, with Greg Davies had some great ideas, but they were tearfully mistreated, and in the true style of BBC 3, unfunny and utterly cringe worthy.

My Family (BBC 1) should have been cancelled years ago. I used to really enjoy it when I was younger, but now I'm older, the show is older and the family are older, it just doesn't work anymore. Most people will agree that it went downhill when Nick (you know, the man from the BT Ads. He recently became a father and got married. We're all happy for the BT couple…) left the show. Now the children aren't children, it has failed to continue to be a family sitcom, which is were Outnumbered steps in and takes the reins. Everyone wave goodbye to the Harper family. Go on, wave! It's the final series. Toodles!

I come from the era of Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. Back in the days when they wrote comedy and when comedy was great. How can I watch comedy from 30 years ago and laugh harder than what I do at current sitcoms? Blackadder: Sarcastic brilliance. Fawlty Towers: Unbelievably angry humour. Monty Python: Mind-blowingly, erratically random, superbness. Not The Nine O'clock News: Fantastically satirical sketch show. One Foot In The Grave: Belly laughter with a dash of sentimentality. Anything with Ronnie Barker: Well he was just a linguistic genius. There are so, so, so many more. Why can't we make shows like them anymore? Who the bloody hell thought Mrs Brown's Boys (BBC 1) was funny? The audience laughed at the word 'Willy'. That is how bad comedy is; people found that show so funny, it's been commissioned a second series. The BBC 1 controller is robbing ME and YOU of brilliant, clever, witty, laugh out loud humour. How dare him! I will soon be paying my TV license to fund television atrocity such as that.

The God of our dear English language!

Soaps used to represent the real lives of real people. Sure, they exaggerated it a bit to make it more entertaining than mundane, but it still had the ingredients of real life. Now, they seem to have lost the recipe and are now just experimenting to try and give it a bit of a kick; and they ruined it. Coronation Street is the main culprit. A tram crash. Numerous explosions within the past year. Dead bodies buried and hidden everywhere. The placentas of illegitimate children cover the cobbles. Murderer's hide everywhere. What kind of street is this? The crime statistics of Coronation Street must be awful. Its surprising people move there. The writers need to be strung up and shot. The story lines are awful. Then, they're about to destroy the Rovers Return in a huge riot. These aren't stories to entertain, infuse and grab the viewers’ attentions while helping them forget their problems. It's not that anymore. Coronation Street used to be funny. Now, they're trying to turn the soap into a huge production; like they're The Bourne Ultimatum or something. It's ridiculous I tells ya!

Talent shows are now so unbearable to watch. Sure, they were not exactly the most entertaining or morally right shows on the box a few years ago, but now they're just ridiculous. I think Simon Cowell should now just go and live with his metaphorical mistress (America) and leave us (Britain) to move on and carry on life without him. He's either with us, or with those slutty Yanks. The same goes for Piers Morgan while we're on that topic. Keep them, we don't want them back. They're your problems now! Anyway, talent shows are on the way out, and they should just leave respectfully instead of kicking up an undignified fuss. Britain's Got Talent (ITV) is over, you don't need to import David Hasslehoff for us to realise that. Britain has very little talent, and dancing dogs are not part of it. The X Factor too has gone. It can never recover now the peoples' princess, Cheryl Cole, has had her public image tarnished in such a disrespectful way. A show with Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa? Please, that sounds worse than an American chat show hosted by scared-ferret-in-a-suit, Piers Morgan.

Yet, for some reason, they won't let Big Brother die. Last year, it finished. This year, Channel 5 and that bastard Richard Desmond, have brought it back. Now, I also think reality television is, even if very slowly, dying. We all know that comebacks usually don't work. Take the band Blue; they came back and we still hate them. Take Michael Schumacher; he was World F1 champion, but since he returned last year, he hasn't even won a podium. There should be a general rule, which means should you chuck in the towel, you can never come back. That's the one positive thing about Jade Goody; she isn’t coming back! We don't seriously need Big Brother do we? It's always the same every year; a few gay, very bitchy men, in a house with a few idiotic slutty blonde men and women, a hip black man, a middle aged man trying to impress their child and a few people who resemble house plants and vacuums with gormless faces drawn on. Exactly, we don't need Big Brother!

Now, reality television shows are being replaced by ‘reality documentaries’. Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (C4) seemed to be the first to kick it off with its huge popularity. You know those novelty toilet brush covers from the 90's? The women in the show look just like them. It's just a way of making people who work hard all their life think 'How the hell can they do nothing with their lives and afford that wedding, when I work 5 days a week and think buying a pizza on a Friday is pushing the boat out!' It made you resent Gypsies even more; but not as much as the Gypsies you see in town forcing heather in tinfoil down people’s throats for £1.

The popular reality documentaries now, are The Only Way is Essex (ITV 2) and Made In Chelsea (E4), with a new show Geordie Shore (MTV) slowly gaining popularity. These three shows are the tackiest shows on British television, possibly ever.  I haven't watched them, but from the adverts and from what I've heard, these are the stupidest, sluttish, glamed-up freaks that we have ever seen. Big breasts, hair extensions and more make-up than the Avon catalogue; it's like Katie Price has been cloned, and then, they’ve spread them across the country and sent TV crews to film their integration into society. THEN, The Only Way Is Essex won a bloody BAFTA! This is the evidence that television is going down the drain. Society is going down with it, and we're drowning in that dirty bath water, urine, excrement and the stubble from the legs of females, and it'll get in your throat and, it just doesn’t bare thinking about.

So, a conclusion. There is very little comedy that is actually funny. Documentaries are not very informative. Dramas are very little in way of dramatic, apart from occasional glimpses of greatness on BBC 1. Reality hasn't shown the real lives of anyone recently. Soaps are competing with Hollywood films. Talent shows are just a way of showcases Simon Cowell's new facelift. And Gypsies; since when did they become popular?

The Facebook Factor

I protest that Facebook is ruining almost every aspect of every normal person’s life. Facebook has ruined socialising for 500 million people as their entire life is now planned around Facebook. Facebook is a way of spreading hate for one person over the entire world; like Cat Bin Lady. Facebook ruins TV, with most adverts and programs having an official Facebook page where people can post live comments. Facebook ruins the radio with presenters endlessly plugging their Facebook page for their show or radio station. Facebook now vows to ruin music in a more destructive way than when Katie Price tried her hand at singing. Users of Facebook, through the power of 'Likes', campaign to end The X factor's grip of the UK Singles chart; particularly at Christmas.

I'm not the biggest fan of The X Factor. I will watch it if I'm home and there is nothing else on TV (so that was most weeks). I watch it more to laugh at and definitely not to enjoy a few hours of perfectly pitched singing. This year, The X Factor had all the usual ingredients which it has every other year, apart from Pregnancy and Malaria; those were added seasoning. We had the auditions which consisted of a mixed bag of talent. It had those that were truly terrible, who were laughed at and mocked like a dancing bear with a nose stud. It also had those who were amazingly average, who everyone cheered and clapped at and also got praise from all the judges.

It had fights and scuffles which are normally directed at the judges, but this time it was a double act of teenage hippopotamuses that turned on each other. It also had the acts that were there just for the comedy value that it added to the show, and caused great publicity. That roll fell to Wagner (Pronounced 'Varg-ner') who was a retired Brazilian P.E. Teacher (Pronounced 'Per-vert') who seemed to be giving a monologue, in a slightly camp German accent to the tune of music, while dancers twirled around him. Essentially, just think Jedward in 50 years, after one of them got murdered by someone baring Jedward's debut album as a weapon.

Those two lovely girls I was just telling you about...

Wagner. What else do I need to say?

It had over exaggerated bitchiness between the judges too; mostly directed at poor Louis Walsh. Dannii Minogue regularly retorted to any criticism Louis had for Dannii's acts. Simon Cowell would scowl judgingly at any chance he got, as if Louis had just taken off all of his clothes and had put his pants on his head while singing a Westlife song. Then Cheryl Cole would look puppy-eyed at Simon, begging for praise after every song and have a paddy every time he said something negative. Just like every year.

The X Factor also had a selection of other singers who were not Wagner. Most of them were average. The type of singers you find drunk over a karaoke machine in a pub, screaming 'Angels'. Most of them I can't actually remember their names, but then I suppose that is because I have stored more important information in my head. You know, like the capital of Costa Rica being San Jose, where I left my car keys or how much cheese we have left in the fridge; you know, the important stuff.

I know that the final consisted of four acts: Cher Lloyd came fourth and she was a teenage girl with a dream. A dream to sing. She made this known all the time, thus why everyone thought of her as this cocky little girl. She wanted to be more of a hip hop, R&B singer, so she had no chance of winning a pop contest. A band of hairless monkeys called One Direction came third, and these were Simon's little clones. He wanted them to win. His face was a picture when they went out. A Geordie woman came second, who was a spectacularly average singer, who was actually quite nasally and the only person who could understand her was Cheryl.

The winner, and holder of Christmas Number One 2010, was a bloke called Matt Cardle. He was a painter and decorator who liked wearing flat caps. Incidentally, if you had him booked to paint your lounge in the New Year, I would consider finding yourself someone else - I don't think he will be turning up. He was the best of a bad bunch in my opinion; above average, but not exactly the best singer you will ever hear. His single was a cover of Biffy Clyro's song 'Many A Horror', which Simon Cowell decided to rename 'When We Collide' for reasons which are obvious to absolutely no-one.

Here is your champion!

So, another Christmas, and another Christmas Number One which is in no way related to Christmas. A shame, but I'm not particularly bothered. Last year had the overly popularised Facebook campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to be Christmas Number One, in protest of Simon Cowell stubbornness. They managed it and Joe McElderry never got the Festive Chart Position he aimed for. This year saw two Facebook Campaigns. One was to get the original Biffy Clyro song to the glorious chart position. They managed 8th. A second campaign was to get 'The Bird Is The Word', a song shoved into the modern public domain by Family Guy, to lead the chart. This managed 3rd. It seems the Facebook campaigns didn't work this year; or as Facebook users might put it - It was an Epic Fail.

The worst protest against The X Factor was 'Cage Against The Machine', which was essential a group of a few dozen so-called 'real rockers', crowding into a tiny room to shuffle about and recreate John Cage's 4'33" – or other words – silence. This got to 21 in the Chart. This shambolic revolution was led by many people, but most notably Pete Doherty.

Now, I think it would have been better to put together a real Christmas song. You know, one with lyrics and instruments that is original, and not an incredibly vain attempt to be a bit of a profanity.

In the words of Kirsty MacColl "You Scumbag, You Maggot, You cheap lousy Faggot", go write a decent Christmas song next year, instead of sitting behind your iPad and complaining about The X Factor being Number 1 again.

Britton's Got Tarrent

Yes, it is the ITV show in which the former day-time television host kidnaps the primetime quiz-show favourite, and for his return wants her career back. Hang on, I think I may have got slightly confused. Britain's Got Talent, the ITV show in which a couple of Geordie presenters lark about behind a curtain while three television 'personalities' judge the 'talent' that the general public of 'Britain' have, in order to provide an 'entertaining' show. Actually, I think the former sounds much better now...

Okay, so I am three weeks late with this blog about Britain's Got Talent, but it goes to prove how dedicated I have been to my studies; which have now finally finished - for now. Anyway, due to it being a while ago, my memory slightly fails me, so I shall my best.

Let us start with the winners. A acrobatics group called Spelbound who consisted of numerous young boys and girls to numerous young men and women. They were okay, but I was not keen on them. Everyone else thought they were brilliantly talented and were more than worthy of winning the big spot at the Royal Albert Hall. I feel there is too much consistency with the whole show itself. First year - Paul Potts (not the evil dictator - that's a different spelling) the bad-toothed opera singer won. The second year, Diversity, a group of dancers won and now Spelbound, a group of people performing a routine won. That is two slightly similar acts in the past two years. We don't have a great deal of talent really do we?

My two favourites to win the competition this year were either Twist And Pulse, two male dancers who combined street dance and comedy, or Paul Burling who was an impressionist. They both got into the final, which is a first for the two acts I liked to make it to the final. It was a more diverse final though, with the obvious few dancers, the few singers, an impressionist, a dancing dog and a drummer.

Something (well, one of many factors) which I found very annoying about the live shows of Britain's Got Talent is all the camera angles. Now, imagine you are trying to watch people dance and every 5 seconds they change the camera angel so you miss bits of the dance. They do wide shots so you can see the audience, but you can barely see the act performing if you squint. The flying camera angles which go from one side of the studio to another are just as irritating. You are trying to watch something and you can't because the director believes it would be idiotic to have the same camera angel throughout the performance. You would not go and watch a school performance and spend the whole time running around the hall to get a variety of angels, so why do it when we're trying to watch a dog dance? I just found that utterly ridiculous.

I have also concluded that the show is just inefficient. The show is mainly just dancers and singers, with the occasional novelty act which will never win. Well, considering ITV already have a singing show called 'The X-Factor' which you may have heard of, it seems pointless putting singers on Britain's Got Talent. So, the first change would be moving all singers to the X-Factor auditions. The second change would be changing the name of the show to 'Britain's Got Dancers' because that is the main brunt of the good performances to be honest. Of course, now that you've turned this into a dancing show, ITV's 'Dancing On Ice' can be scrapped because you don't want to show too much dancing on one channel. Also, now that it has been turned into a dancing show, the novelty, useless acts can no longer be apart of the show. However, the solution for this is just sending all other applicants to either Brighton Pier or The Circus, and then ITV can replace 'You've Been Framed' with occasional footage from Brighton Pier and The Circus. Sorted!

What is next for Spelbound now that they won Britain's Got Talent? Not a lot I don't suppose once they have done their performance at The Royal Albert Hall. Paul Potts performed there, got his teeth sorted, released an album and now we have not heard of him since. Diversity done their performance infront of the Queen, one of them became a judge on a Sky talent show and the others are occasionally seen in adverts on the Telly. My suggestion to Spelbound is once they've done their royal performance; they should try and audition as the Hitler Youth in a stage show, because they would be perfect. If Hitler were alive today and he saw them performing on Britain's Got Talent, he would have been so happy.

A nice short(ish) blog to ease you back into my regular blogging. Next blog, unless I have a change of heart, will be about Doctor Who and whether I did enjoy it in the end.

P.S. I'm aware Keith Chegwin Tweeted 'Britton's Got Tarrent' a few weeks ago, but I thought it up before him, however, I am not claiming I was first person to ever think it up, I'm just saying I'm better than Keith Chegwin.

Thank-You God For Murders, Floods and Reality Television

This week Canterbury has been in the news lot. A murder, a shooting and local headteacher Phil Karnavas (Canterbury High - Woop!) in The Guardian (which I unsuspectingly saw on a train to London) moaning about the Government’s attitude towards education. You can tell a lot about a city by where their shootings happen. In London people get shot in 'da ghettos', in Liverpool it's randomly on the street and in Canterbury it's in Morrisons, next to the cleaning products isle. Who cares about that though? All everyone really cares about this week is X-Factor, I'm A Celebrity and Cocks In Mouths - oh sorry, it's Cockermouth, my mistake.

Pretty much everyone has heard this week that in the heavy rain, a place in Cumbria called 'Cockermouth', got flooded. Now, am I only one that laughed the morning it happened when they were talking about it on the news? Surely it isn't just me who is that immature. Listening to the news has become a battle, seeing who many times the news reporter can say 'Cockermouth' before you laugh. Who named that place anyway? It's a ridiculous name for a town. I have a theory about how it came to get that name...
The Mayor was having a conversation on the phone to the sign makers who were going to design the new sign for the town, when all of a sudden a prostitute walks in. The Mayor then shouted 'My cocks in her mouth', but because the phone line was dodgy it came out the other end as 'cockermouth', and the Mayor, to embarrassed to tell this story, decided he would change the name of the town instead. That’s my theory anyway.
Now everytime it rains, a man standing by the river says on the news report that ‘Cockermouth is at risk of being flooded again’, when really it's only a 10 minute shower. People really are very paranoid when it comes to flooding. I'm only going to worry about flooding when a giant wooden boat sails past my house smelling like a farmyard...
A farmyard links me nicely to this year’s 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'. I'm going to attempt to write about it, even though I've not watched one second of it this year. It certainly has run its course. People still watch it, and people still feel the need to tell me what's going on, but really, it's the same kangaroo-testical-eating-nonsense as it was 8 years ago. ITV have missed out on one good piece of marketing however. Imagine if ITV done 3D week instead of Channel 4; the nation be invited to watch Katie Price's breasts in 3 dimensions. That's a scary thought, but it would have made all the lonely old men rush to Sainsbury's to get a pair of glasses to watch her pair of jugs.
Katie Price walked out of the jungle after a week, when she realised that no-one liked her after being nominated to do every bush tucker trial. She apparently went into the jungle to get closure - well I have a piece of advice for you Katie Price -'Close your legs, close your mouth and f*** off'. Harsh, I know, but she really does annoy me these days.
When she walked out, she then dumped her boyfriend on live television, and now the papers are relishing the fact that the ex-boyfriend may sell some naughty images of her. It really has been another few weeks of Katie Price cluttering up my head with useless information I don't want to know about her.
How unlucky ITV were Sunday night. They lost two pairs of tits in on evening. Before Katie Price left I'm A Celebrity, John and Edward were finally booted off the X-Factor. I believe that 'Jedward', as people call them, are the singing equivalent to Nick Griffin. No-one likes them, but someone must have voted for them for them to last so long. The Irish Twats... Twits... Twins (I got there eventually) during their time, danced with a giant marshmallow while ‘singing’ Ghostbusters, ‘sang’ numerous Queen songs, ‘rapped’ wearing white jump suits and also ‘sang’ a Britney Spears song while wearing red Lycra. Multitalented certainly isn't a word I'd use to describe them. The next day, there were rumours that 'Jedward' where going to fly to Australia and join the I'm A Celebrity jungle – it is amazing how gullible the public are.
Right, that's the end of this satirical blog. My target is to do a satirical blog once a week about things which have happened during that week. How long this will last, I don't know, but I will but try. I shall still do my long blogs though, and the next blog will be about New Moon...


P.S. I'm not religious.

Bully Nick Griffin Time

'What's so special about Question Time this week?' a friend asked me and when I said because Nick Griffin from the BNP was on it, they replied with 'Oh, is he that racist guy everyone hates and calls Hitler?' which I think is a good way of summing him up really. Just as Question Time started on BBC 1, a storm was going over my house, and just as the title sequence started, a huge bolt of lightning went across the sky... Coincidence? Probably, but it could also mean God was rather pissed like a majority of people.

Was Question Time a fair and unbiased program? Of course it bloody wasn't, it's only the BBC. No it turned out to be a competition on who hates Nick Griffin more. Was it the audience who laughed at every point that could be taken as slightly hypocritical and sneered at reasonable responses? Was it Bonnie Greer the black female writer who sat next to him constantly asking what he defines as British? Was it Jack Straw who seemed surprised when he was asked a question about his cock-up in immigration? Maybe it was Baroness Warsi (the Conservative spokeswomen for community cohesion (whatever that is)) who hated every answer Nick Griffin gave? Or possibly it was Chris Huhne, a Liberal Democrat who just hated Nick Griffin purely because he lost out to Mr Griffin in the elections? It's hard to tell.
A huge majority of the show was purely people asking Nick Griffin questions and then calling him a blatant liar. Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of people from ethnic backgrounds in the audience and the camera would be quick to cut to one if they pulled a face which could be interpreted as disgust. Is Nick Griffin really racist though? And I think the answer is no, it's just all been taken way out of context by the media, and everytime he said this - guess what - He'd get laughed at and called a liar. Someone even called him 'Dick Griffin' which is such an original insult. I think that member of the audience came up with it all by himself - such a clever boy. To be honest, if this happened at school, it'd be classed as 'Bullying' and with them filming it, and metaphorically slapping him and laughing; it can also be classed as 'Happy Slapping'. Yes, David Dimbleby and his friends where happy slapping Nick Griffin on BBC 1, and on Friday, everyone seemed surprised that Nick Griffin was making a formal complaint to the BBC about the episode. He too (and rightly so) believed he was bullied on BBC 1 on Thursday evening.

I personally think Nick Griffin came across as a very professional politician, which is something not usually said about politicians. Through all the grief he got, in my opinion he coped with it very well and took it in a light-hearted way infront of the cameras. When asked what his view on Islam was, Mr Griffin gave an answer which is correct. He basically said that he disagreed with the opinions of Islam and certain things in the Qur'an, for example their treatment of women. Now, had that question been asked by a law student from Essex and answered exactly the same way by David Cameron, it would have been expectable; seeing as it was asked by a Muslim and directed at Nick Griffin, it wasn't seen as an unexpectable answer.

Anyway, eventually the subject changed to Jan Moir's article about Steven Gately. Every member of the panel all said that she had the right to say those things and The Daily Mail to print the article, so that was repeated 5 times. As you can guess, once the subject changed to homosexuals, Nick Griffin was dragged back into the centre for yet another bashing by the rest of panel and the audience.

I am intrigued by the voting system and freedom of speech at the moment. Members of the public voted for Nick Griffin, which meant he had made it so far up the metaphorical ladder of politics, that he now completed the entry requirements for Question Time, and the BBC where completely right to allow him to have an appearance on Question Time because of this. We're also constantly reminded that we have freedom of speech, so therefore why are people against him talking? It does seem that we're only allowed this basic human right as long as we don't offend anyone and the comment passing out of our lips if Politically Correct. If no-one likes him, then who voted for him? It is very much like John and Edward on X-Factor at the moment; no-one likes them, but someone keeps voting for them. Granted, that's the only time Griffin is going to be compared to two 18 year old lads, but I like uniqueness.

One thing which was constantly said, was that it was the 'BNP's Christmas come early' them appearing on Question Time. And it was, but not for the reasons in which they insinuated. It was more because the BNP have come across as more vulnerable during this bullying, and have therefore come across in a more positive light. Mr Griffin only lowered himself once in below-the-belt punches. A comment about his father fighting in the war, and Jack Straw's father being arrested for refusal to fight, in some way meant that Nick Griffin could not possibly be the love-child of Adolf Hitler.
This point has been proven, with a new poll out today. 1 in 7 people would back the BNP, all thanks to the episode. Now that's a real kick in the mouth for everyone who spent that hour 'Happy Slapping' him in hope of degrading him. Yet everyone is now raging about this; it seems no-one is going to own up to answering yes on this poll.

On Friday morning just as I walked out of the bathroom, the TV was on, and guess who was on GMTV... No it wasn't Nick Griffin, it was Chris Huhne. You remember him surely; I only just told he was a Liberal Democrat. Anyway, he was on there spreading his message of hatred and giving his view on how successful he felt the show was and how it made Nick Griffin and the BNP look. I don't know what he said because I was using the hair dryer while staring at the television, but it didn't look positive.

Just incase you are part of the huge majority who would 'happily pay for him to be deported to the Antarctic where everything is white' and find Nick Griffin 'repulsive' (they're quotes from Question Time, not from me) then here is a bit of material for you; What's with Nick Griffin's wafty eye? He could look at the audience and at David Dimbleby's neon green tie at the same time.
If that didn't please you, here is a link to a website where you can endless hours of repetitive fun.
http://www.slapnickgriffin.co.uk/

The Shame Of Britain Awards

Just to start, this in no way is mocking The Pride Of Britain Awards, just merely an idea which I've had, in which we can name and shame some of Britain's more shocking people. It can be made as a follow-up to Crimewatch if we wanted. It'd also be just as popular (if not more) than the Pride Of Britain Awards because it'd appeal to the Jeremy Kyle audience who like to watch dysfunctional people be humiliated infront of a national audience.

It would still be a very similar format, with Carol Vorderman wearing a skin tight dress, and he celebrity element would still be there; all sitting around tables with bottles of wine and piles of used tissues, which I assume where used for tears. Gordon Brown would still sit at the front trying to grin, Mr Twat (A.K.A. Piers Morgan) would still try and get in every camera shot he possibly could and Simon Cowell would still be there for everyone to make snide comments about. The event wouldn't be opened by a Dance group called Diversity, but instead a Dance group called Intolerance.

The idea would not to give them awards and hailing them a 'Hero' of our time, but would instead be given an envelope. Within the envelope, would be their jail sentence written on a piece of card. The card wouldn't be given to them by celebrities, and would instead be 'given' to them by footballers. Maybe not 'given', more tied around footballs and the footballers kick the ball in their face.

Now these people have done bad things, I'm not going to ask footballers to kick balls as hard as they can in the faces of normal people. People who have stolen handbags from old ladies, murders of single mums and hit and run drivers are smacked in the face with a ball inviting them to do N number of years inside a prison at Her Majesties Pleasure. These people are locked in cages at the side of the stage and are not allowed to look at the celebrities otherwise they get tasered in the eyes. Cruel, I know.
There would still be tears, so if you want a good cry, you could still watch this show. However, you wouldn't be crying with happiness and pride, but instead disgust and because you’ll find the tales repulsive, even if you have only got a small amount of morals. The good outcome of this idea would be that the criminals would be punished, and crime wouldn't be glamorised, and only the criminal minds who want a peak of Carol Vordermen's cleavage would commit crimes. Or at least that's what the idea is anyway.

This version would also make all the people who have done remarkable things, like rescuing families from over turned cars, campaigning for Cancer charities and being constantly selfless, look even better and make them more inspirational to people to be nicer and live in a world of harmony, or we can at least hope. Anyway, that's enough on the Shame Of Britain Awards, and now onto something much more positive, The Pride Of Britain Awards.

In a time where everyone is down and depressed, these kind of inspirational stories are heart-warming that people can actually be nice; someone doing the selfless act of running across a Motorway to save a family from their crashed car and a young boy who since getting extreme Leukaemia, has become very confident and is now a main campaigner for Great Ormonds Street Hospital. It's these kinds of stories that make you forget the bad, and hammer in the good points of humanity. Selfless teenagers are quite common also, which is surprising because from what the Media has told us, all teenagers are drunk and drugged up, and if they're female - pregnant.

Being my cynical self, I always think up negative points, and I like to play a game called 'Spot The Irony'. Naomi Cambell giving an ex-convict an award for turning his life around? Surely not! A bit of favouritism for Cheryl Cole aswell from the producers -not only did she give an award to someone with some of the other Girls Aloud members, but she also gave another award with the X-Factor entourage - I think she's after Vorderman's job.

Now I'm off too contact some TV Executives, and hope no-one has taken any offence to anything.

P.S. How can Gordon Brown still look like such a mug when he gives the inventor of the MRI machine an award?

P.P.S. Blog special coming soon.

Am I Watching Britain's Got Talent or X-Factor?

Okay, that's not exactly a unique observation, a lot of people have commented on how the new format is the same as Britain's Got Talent - even Cowell himself. Anyway, the auditions have come to an end and honest, I don't think the new format is any better or worse. It's just a way of increasing the embarrassment levels for the damn right awful and increasing the confidence of the spectacular, and I suppose that's a good think really, in a kind of twisted way.

There is one major difference between the new format of X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent, and that is the lack of a buzzer and a giant X above the stage. However, to compensate for the loud, annoying, buzzer sound, the X-Factor does allow Dannii Minogue to talk, so they're about equal on the annoying sounds. Another difference between the two is the lack of an Ant and a Dec, as well as not having a twat (Piers Morgan), sitting on the end making silly jokes - Louie Walsh is there for that job.

This is nothing new, and infact, apart from having a few thousand people sitting behind the judges clapping like children’s wind-up toys in the audtions, it's exactly the same. As usual, you can tell right from the beginning of the clip, whether the contestant is going to be fantastic or utterly rubbish. If there is a sob story just before then they'll be great. A tale of someone coping with autism is one and another is losing his job. Also, the background music has become synonymous with the contestants talent ability. If something like the Steptoe & Sons theme tune is played, you instinctively think rubbish. Should something cheery and soft come on you think they'll be great. There aren’t really any surprises in the X-Factor, or indeed any 'reality' show on the goggle box.

The new format does allow the contestant to sing to backing music, as opposed to standing awkwardly in a quiet room like they used to. Having the music to sing to is great for the people with talent, and just enhances how good they sound. However, as always you have the talentless contestants who also sing with music, and it just makes them sound even worse. It makes it easier to tell that they're not in beat, as well as just making their voice sound like someone pleasuring themselves with a hedgehog (not a nice image there - sorry).
In the old format, when you get the final 10, friends and family all started wearing T-shirts with the name and photo of their loved one (basically just a notice board which walks around and cheers) to show support. Now however, almost every contestant comes with an entourage of people wearing white T-shirts with their face on, and you do feel sorry for all those people wasting money to get the T-shirts made and they don't even get through to the next round because the contestant was bloody awful.

I am still amazed by the amount of awfully deluded people that go on the show believing that they really do have 'The X-Factor'. Yet now it's not quite so fun watching them for two reasons. Firstly, because you do (or I did at least), have a great deal of sympathy for that person on stage in front of thousands of people singing badly and just being humiliated. Secondly, people don't retaliate half as much as they used to. Maybe it's because of the great depression caused by Credit Crunch and worrying how to pay the bill for the T-shirts or maybe just because they have an audience. Either way, it's a shame because I really did enjoy watching people shout at Simon.
One great thing about angry contestants is that they all say the same comment ‘I'd like to see Simon go up on stage and sing'. Since when has Simon said he can sing? I don't think he'd ever dispute that he couldn't do it, but he's famous for being reasonably good at producing and judging good talent -that's his job. The mind of a deluded person seems very interesting.

Another thing with contestants, particularly the elderly female ones, is that they are incredibly horny! As are Simon and Louie. It's just a very odd experience to sit and watch a 78 year old women telling Simon she'd like him to be her Toy-Boy, or telling Louie how they admire him for reasons I can't quite comprehend. Then you get the young women who seem to flirt with Cheryl, telling her how they admire her so much and want to be just like her. Sweet, but again slightly odd, but who does Dannii get to flirt with? No-one, bless her.

It does seem whenever Cheryl talks to a fellow scouse person, they begin to sound like they're talking in their own language, and then she uses it as an excuse to get on stage and give them hug. Infact, Cheryl seems to use any excuse to get on stage and hug contestants. As soon as someone begins to cry, she'll jump up and rush onto the stage to save the contestant from the nasty wasty comments.
Nasty comments, aren't really nasty comments though, I think they call it the truth in some social circles. Simon Cowell is famed for being a big, nasty man who wants to crush everyone's dreams, when really he's saying what everyone else is thinking, and because the people can't accept it, it's interpreted into nastiness.

With Louie sitting in place of where Mr Twat would sit on the judging panel of Britain's Got Talent, it does seem Louie has started using some of Morgan's habits. One for example is the bad puns used to say yes or no. To say yes to someone who has just sung a Girls Aloud song, he'll say 'I'll stand by you, it's a yes from me' or to say no to someone who has just sung a Michael Jackson song (as an awful tribute), he'll tell them to 'Beat it'. Just awful.

One last point I have before I'll have to end this long blog, is the Juxtaposition between Simon and Cheryl who usually sit next to each other. Cheryl makes an effort to wear something different and lavish everyday to look 'stunning'. Yet Simon sits wearing the same thing, just alternating the colour of the t-shirt; Jeans and a white or grey t-shirt. Surely he can afford to wear something a bit different, but that's not important, it's a talent show, not a fashion show, so not sure why I felt the need to mention it. Nether-the-less, I did!

The end has come and I think I should tell you not to get too excited at what I'm about to tell you. Susan Boyle is releasing an album in November. I expect every person reading this has just let out an involuntary cheer and is now so exited they've rushed onto Play.com to pre-order the CD (hint of sarcasm there?), so I'll end.

Toodles M’dearys
xXXx

P.S. Don't forget Sunday my blog appearance will change and a new blog will be posted, to mark the one year anniversary of me updating my blog, so that's something for you to look forward to.