Amateur Misanthrope

If you ask me what my ideal job would be, I would reply by saying 'I want to get paid for writing about my detestation for mankind, and for being a bastard - just like Charlie Brooker'. I love him, which is a hard thing for a fellow misanthrope to admit. Some young men love women in magazines who show off their perfectly shaped mammary glands. I love an angry man in his 40's who doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Charlie Brooker's most recent book is called 'I Can Make You Hate', which is certainly true, as he is the person who opened my eyes to how shit our world is. His writings are a mix of hilarity and wit, along with disdain and a lot of sneering. Thanks to him, I now realise that humans are nothing more than walking, talking, flatulent haircuts. I am no longer deluded, and share his outlook on life.

Let's Hack Into My 2011

Charlie Brooker said that '2011 has been like one big end-of-season finale; a climactic episode in which multiple story arcs come to a head.' This being because of numerous uprisings, a few deaths of bad people, a riot or two, another financial collapse and the death of a national paper after the revelation that it hacked over 5,000 phones. In comparison, my life has been normal for someone of a similar age to me, and has been uneventful. However, as an individual, it has been quite a year.

As year's go, for me, it has been a bag of mixed fortunes. I spent the first six months of 2011 in complete agony. Let me explain how bad this agony was: Most people sleep at night. I used to sleep at night, and thankfully, I do now. However, for those six months of my life, I think I only had an entire night of sleep once a week, and that would usually be because I was so knackered that my brain struggled to comprehend the concept of pain, or maybe just an overdose of extra strong pain killers, I don't remember.

I had toothache. In fact, no: toothache doesn't fully explain the agony I had. I call it 'Toothtorture'. I might as well have thumped a nine inch metal nail into my jaws every 30 seconds for the relief it would have brought me. I went to the Dentist, then the Dentist, then the Doctor, and then the Dentist a few more times before he finally discovered my tooth was dead. Six weeks, over two hours in the Dentist's chair, and a root canal later, I was relieved of the pain and allowed to sleep, every single night, without my synapses interrupting with pain signals.

Mind you, a few weeks later, I didn't get much sleep after I spent five days awake and watching BBC News and Sky News and watching the swarm of rioters smash their way through London. There were two reasons for this: 1. I was only a month away from moving there to spend the next three years of my life, and 2. I was going to London a few days later to be a tourist with my girlfriend. Oh, yeah, in case you were not yet aware (but I'm sure you are), I got a girlfriend in 2011.

To most, this doesn't seem like much of an achievement, but this is for me. People previously knew me as 'Stuart; that guy who is so cynical and angry about the World and people, who hardly ever has anyone to love'. Well, now, I'm not that guy. I have a girl whose hand I can hold, without the police being called and being arrested for attempted sexual assault. She is mine. Not officially, but I have claimed her as my property, and she has claimed me as hers.

A long-term relationship is new ground for me. I have had more Sea Monkies than I have girlfriends. In fact, I think I have had Sea Monkies which have survived longer than some of my past relationships. Mind you, that could be identified to the fact I spent my time growing Sea Monkies and becoming emotionally attached to the said Sea Monkies.

Anyway, with the change of our relationship going from 'friends' to 'being in a relationship with', happening in July, this year can surely be said to be a year of two halves for me: The first half being painful and lonely, and the second have not quite as much so, with added happiness and kissing…

This all means that I lose the bet I made in my blog about my 2010, when making assumptions for the upcoming year: "...I bet I'm still single though." I usually hate being wrong, but not this time. I'm just thankful I didn't put any money on it...

This year also saw me finish my A-level's and attend a University with a history dating back to the 19th Century: The University of East London. The change wasn't smooth, or even enjoyable, with my results being messed up resulting in me franticly trying to get hold of the University who declined me because of this cock up. I mean, how can an examiner forget to mark two years worth of Photography work? That eludes me. Anyway, all was resolved, and after a larger deposit of money exiting my bank accounts, and a large, expensive shop at Dunelm Mill, I went to University to study Journalism with Creative Writing.

So far, it is going quite well. I have only finished the first semester of the first year, but the first few grades I have gotten have been superb. I quite literally jumped for joy. Hopefully the end results are just as good. I'll have to get choreographing a celebration dance. Actually, why bother, just learn one of the dances on Just Dance 3 and perform that, but maybe a shortened, less sweaty version.

What else happened for me in 2011? I'm not sure. This year has had so many big events happen, that I forget all the silly, insignificant things I have done. Well, I saw a couple of comedians live (Milton Jones and Mark Watson) who were both very good. I nearly got to see Jimmy Carr live, but I thought I would rather get my car clamped and pay £120 fine. My laptop died while watching Stewart Lee on YouTube. I have seen my first musical: We Will Rock. I have been to a Guardian event for Journalists. I have joined the National Union of Journalist. I have stepped foot into a newsroom. I have spent many happy hours in London sightseeing. I have been up in a helicopter. I have been to The Doctor Who Experience in London, flown the TARDIS and been threatened by Daleks. I have read a few books. I have worked out how to use Skype. I have got a Teco Clubcard. I have done other things too...

Let me just elaborate on a few of the above: We Will Rock You is a fantastic bit of theatre, which I recommend to anyone who likes music and comedy. It was one of the most enjoyable evenings of my life. All of the journalism events of my year, such as attending the Guardian event and being in a newsroom, have concreted my aspiration to be a journalist. I loved the atmosphere! I also recommend The Doctor Who Experience to everyone who has watched the show (whether you're a virgin or not).  I recommend the book Sh*t My Dad Says if you have a week free and like a giggle. I recommend the Tesco Clubcard if you regularly shop from there. However, I do not recommend getting your car clamped; too much hassle and too much money for what is a rubbish service.

Right, so that about sums up my 2011. I hope you also had a great year, and I hope that 2012 is either as good, or better than the previous year’s you have had. I'm sure you are deserving of it.

My predictions for 2012 are quite simple really. I will still be a University next year, and I'll be in even more debt. I will hopefully be living in a London apartment with my girlfriend, with a nice view of the Thames. I expect to spend much more time in London, seeing shows and visiting places. Also, I am pretty sure that this year is going to be pretty baby orientated, what with the girlfriend’s sister about to pop one out, and friends in the last few months of baking theirs in the oven. Also, I bet this time next year, I won't be single! I'll bet a charity donation on that one.

P.S. Happy New Year

P.P.S. How late is too late to keep wishing people a 'Happy New Year'.

Newsnight On Speed

I watched the first edition of 10 o'clock Live, and I needed to relieve some of the frustrations I gained from watching it, so, here is my 10 o'clock Live Review:

David Mitchell, Charlie Brooker, Lauren Laverne and Jimmy Carr. I don't think Laverne can even sneer properly... 

I love and adore Charlie Brooker.

I love and adore David Mitchell.

I rather quite like Jimmy Carr.

Lauren Laverne was on Channel Four’s 10 O’clock Live too...

"10 O'Clock Live will provide a fresh and unashamedly intelligent take on current affairs from a young perspective", is what was said in the shows build up by the commissioning editor. However, I felt let down and disappointed after watching it.

For weeks Channel Four have been building this show up, and for weeks I have been looking forward to the shows start. It sort of ended up feeling like a Goldfish which has leapt out of his bowl; it lays there not moving but occasionally dances around full of life for a little while and calming down again. Parts of the show were dull and boring, such as Laverne attempting satire or Carr making unoriginal jokes about the week. The dancing occurs when Mitchell interviews a politician or Brooker point’s fun at news figures.

The main problem I had with the show was that they tried to fit far too much into it. Just as something became interesting or David Mitchell had backed the bankers into the corner of a bank and started a fierce debate, it was time to wrap up for the adverts or maybe even Lauren Laverne.

The jokes weren't that 'cutting edge' either; it’s the same old ones. Point and laugh at the banks. Sneer at those suited-up Tories. Go on, cringe at Sarah Palin's patriotism because we just told you too. I mean, Jimmy Carr was only on the show because he is the comedy go-to guy for Channel Four. There must be some kind of contract which states that he has to be in all forms of witty comedy on Channel Four. And Lauren Laverne? Lauren Laverne? Really? Was there some issue of the show having too many testacies and not enough ovaries, and just hired the cheapest female comedian they could get for fifteen consecutive Thursday's?

I know I only really watched the show for Mitchell's rants and for Brooker's observations. I didn't watch the show for the other two really. I was amazed at how great David Mitchell was at interviewing and getting the answers. Jeremy Paxman, when you die, we know who is getting your job. Also, was it just me who thought Charlie Brooker looked extremely bored throughout? That quiff as well; if he turned around any quicker, Laverne would have to start walking with a Labrador and a white stick.

This show came from Channel Four's Alternative Election Night, in which the quartet of comedians done a very similar show satirising the election. That was a great show which I enjoyed. That was a lot longer. I understand that Channel Four want this show to be part of the political TV weekly schedule, along with Question Time and Newsnight. This show has the potential to join in with the big boys; this show will bring politics to the younger generation. I mean, it's only had one episode. It has plenty of time to mature. To improve. To learn. To grow into a show which may last years and have the big political names to go in an attempt to acknowledge the young voters.

However, I am half expecting a future Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe episode to critique, in a much better way than I, 10 O’clock Live. I actually want there to be a show with just Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell. They could just rant in their usual misanthropic way at today's society. I think that would be a great show.

I'm not sure about the audience either. Did they think they were sitting in The X Factor studios? All they seemed to do was cheer and boo. Banker says something negative. BOOOO. David Mitchell strikes back with a satirical point. YAAAAY. You don't get that sort of behaviour on Question Time. Just calm down will you!

Also, the camera angles. As soon as a point being made by an interviewee becomes slightly tedious, we have lots of different camera shots which pan across the table and zoom in and out. Again, you don't get that sort of thing on Question Time. A comedy show is allowed to have serious point making, but Channel Four don't seem to understand that and think their audience will get bored if something doesn't change. I hate that about TV shows. I just want to watch and pay attention to the speaker, and now I can't see him because you're swooshing away from his face. Oh, now he's had to shut up with his serious point because Lauren Laverne wants to talk again.

I will still watch the upcoming 14 episodes, despite my negative thoughts, because I know it will improve. They just need to slow it down and not rush it. Get rid of segments from the show. Maybe even loss a certain blonde presenter from Radio 6. I don't know, but Channel 4 need to do something because I'm not sure it can be successful the way the first episode was. I mean, that's what we need to remember; it is only the first episode after all; and it’s live.

I might have a slight crush on the guy; but not in a gay way, more in an admiration way... Yeah.

If you cannot wait until the next episode for a bit of Charlie Brooker cynicism, then watch 'How TV Ruined Your Life' on BBC 2, Tuesday, 22:00.

In the words of Charlie Brooker: “That’s all we’ve got time for, now go away!”

Two Years Of Cynical, Angry Blogs

It is now one year since I celebrated my blog reaching its first birthday, which therefore means that I have now been blogging for two years. First of all; I would like to apologise for me spewing this out all over the Internet for such a long time. Not bad for something that started out as an ICT coursework project. Mind you, I am still doing my ICT coursework, but it will be finished by Christmas, I promise!

Two fingers, happily celebrating the second birthday of The Blog Of Stuart

It is fair to say that in the past year my blog has certainly increased in popularity. It may be due to the fact my Headteacher mentioned it in an awards ceremony at school to a few hundred people, but I doubt that somehow. It may because I have a lot more followers on Twitter and every time I post my blog they look at it; possible. The most likely option in my opinion seems to be my increasing Internet presence. Did you know that a lot of my views come from people Googleing 'Depressing Britain' or things similar? I love that really; the reputation of my blog that I complain about British life.

Out of all my 108 blogs (so far), it is easy to distinguish which ones are the most popular and least. All of my driving blogs about my driving lessons and tests were completely huge failures. I regret doing them, and if given the choice again, I would have at least created a different blog to put them on. That is my biggest mistake in my blogging career so far. My more popular blogs seem to be my television reviews. My Doctor Who reviews have proved a huge success, as did my review of Sherlock on BBC 1 and Ant and Dec's disastrous show at the start of the year. They are my most read, which I am proud of.

My Internet presence is showing to have grown. I am actually receiving Emails in reply to my blogs. I will just point out now; I never reply to Emails - I don't like the thought of talking to a complete stranger who I cannot see. However, feel free to Email me, I do like to read them and they do tend to put a smile of my face. I have received two notable Emails. An Email a few weeks ago asked me to help contribute to an American video website in which you create videos explaining how to do things. It’s not really my thing as A) I wouldn't be able to rant and swear and B) It is American, and I doubt they would understand half of my ramblings.

My other notable Email was a few months ago in reply to my '10 Reasons Why Britain Is Depressing' post. I hope they won't mind me sharing what they said, because I am going to. Not only is it my only proper review, but it is sparking with praise:

"Hi, is this the guy who wrote that blog - "10 Reasons why life in Britain is depressing"? Well first of all - Great article. It was so good I honestly thought someone had hacked into my brain and stolen some of the things I find depressing and made it into a top 10 list. Yeah, you pretty much summed up all the major and minor inconveniences no-one bothers to talk about because they're either too shy or too damn lazy. Good on you! If you hadn't have done this I would have. I hate Facebook, every single "Celebrity", mobile phones and Channel 4 ruined the Simpsons..."

I feel sort of guilty for not replying, but I'm sure he didn't cry about it. This put me on a massive high for days. To think that I am actually appealing to other people, all over the Internet, is mind boggling. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only cynical teenager alive who seems to have a strong dislike for everything and pretty much agrees with all my points.

To be honest, I wasn't even expecting to still be blogging. Well, to be honest, if I went to University, I'm not sure I would have carried on. I in fact think, had I gone to University this year, today I would be posting my very last blog. So, to any regular readers out there - you should be grateful I got Chicken Pox. My target for the next year is to instead get my career sorted. Try and turn my blogging skills into a job in Journalism; even if it is just making coffee and tea for a few years. I hope not though, purely because I'm rubbish at making drinks and I would never get a promotion.

I read my very first blogs, and I am still quite happy with them. I seem to have the same, cynical mindset and hatred of the same things in society. Comparing them to my newer blogs, then you can honestly see an evolution in my writing ability. Obviously, that is at least partly due to the fact I have done A-level English Literature for two year, but I don't think that it the main reason. The more you write and practice, the better you get and that is exactly what regular blogging does. I make mistakes (quite regularly really, if I'm honest) and I realise them, or other people do, and that is exactly how you learn - by making mistakes. If you don't write, you can't make mistakes and you can't improve. Simples!

Another reason for my evolution is probably Charlie Brooker. The man is a God to me and certainly an idol and inspiration. I read his articles regularly and constantly reading every one of his Tweets. That has certainly impacted on my own writing. Now, I am reading his books which contain his best articles written for The Guardian. Reading them, I see a faint likeness to my own blogging these days. Even some of the metaphors are things that I would think up. I have slowly gained Charlie Brooker's mindset; and I'm not sure that is a healthy thing to do... Mind you, if he can be engaged to Konnie Huq, then it gives other Socially Inept people, like me, hope that we too can find a girl willing to love us.

I thoroughly enjoy blogging. I now have enough free time to allow me to always be blogging due to me being not very busy. The beginning half of the year didn't allow me to blog much, what with the impending A-level exams, so free time was little, and I missed blogging. It is a way of letting frustration out. Ranting about something, anything, seems to help. I find some of my better blogs are written when I'm in the worse moods. Anyway, blogging is free so therefore cheaper than physiatrists, so I'll stick with what I'm doing as it seems to work.

I love finding out Statistics about my blog. Last year, I done a word count of how many words I had written over the course of the year, and the end number was 46,587 words. Very impressive! However, in this second year, I smashed that record, despite writing fewer blogs. The magic number is 64,747 (including this blog); A rather high and unexpected number. Those of you good at maths or with access to a calculator, will know that means that over the course of two years I have written 111,334 words. How amazing. Granted it shows that I kind of need to develop a life and get out more rather than sitting in my room and hitting my keyboard with a red mist, trying to express my feelings, but who cares.

The past year has been mainly reviews of things I have (or in the case of Big Brother, haven't) watched on TV or at the cinema. It is also filled with comments on world events like The World Cup or it is me giving my view on a news story and pretending to have a good awareness of politics. I know nothing really about Politics, but I like to pretend. I am glad to announce that the next year will much of the same. The next two blogs will be reviews of my favourite albums of the year. I have other blogs in the planning stage. I will, at some point, be doing a special about Advertising and how much they lie or annoy in order to sell their kitchen roll or service.

I also have other blogs scheduled for the end of the year. I plan on doing my usual Review Of My Year and also this year’s Stuart Awards, in which no-one wins a real award. There will also be a return of my blog reviewing My Comedy Nights. Hopefully they will all go well. Who knows what else is in store for the next year? I'm sure any disastrous world events will get their media coverage scrutinised and I'm long overdue a rant about the News and Gossip Magazines in general. I'm sure there will be more mundane blogs about my uninteresting life. We shall have to just see what the year has in store for me and the world.

You may have noticed the Jade Goody rants are becoming rare in my blogs. You see, the thing is, she's dead. She is failing to find new ways to annoy me in the media spotlight anymore, and what-with Big Brother dead, mentions of her will probably soon end. I don't want it to end, but I don't think I have a choice. I think it's the end of an era for Jade and my rants. However, my blogs will try and continue. I'll just have to rant about other things.

And on that sad bombshell, it's time to end...

Why Tweeting? Why Not Meowing, Woofing, Bleating Or Mooing?

In the 20 months I have now been on Twitter that is something I keep thinking about. Why name it Twitter? However, after a bit of research I found the answer. I found out they very nearly called it 'Twitch', but after searching similarly spelt words in the dictionary, found 'Twitter'.

"We came across the word "twitter," and it was just perfect. The definition was "a short burst of inconsequential information," and "chirps from birds." And that’s exactly what the product was." - Jack Dorsey.

 Imagine that though; we could have all been 'Twitching' and sending each other 'Spasms'.

I am sure most people are aware of what Twitter actually is by now, but for those who don't, I would describe it as 'A website primarily for people to share and read useless babble with millions of other people, which has to fit into 140 characters or less.' That description is a perfect example with it being exactly 140 characters in length. My one problem with that fact, is that it was not intentional 140 characters, and I'm now worried that I am indeed addicted and obsessed. My own mental state aside, Twitter is the best, most pointless thing ever.

I will happily stand up and admit that I am in fact an addict. I Tweet too much. Rarely a day goes by where I have done under three Tweets. In the 20 months since I joined, I have shared over 3,500 thoughts with the world. In that time, I have become barely a speckle on the giant bird that is Twitter. I am currently circulating around the 100 followers mark, which is still rather impressive. This is 100 people, in numerous locations around the globe, reading my cynical thoughts about life and society. Not bad. That is the equivalent of 100 people following me around where ever I go, asking me what I'm thinking every so often. Now that is slightly worrying.

I refuse to become one of these Twitter's that share: their boring thoughts, their boring daily activities, their mental state, and just generally - their boring lives. I do not see why anyone would care about what I am doing that day, unless it was interesting. 'Being at home bored' nor 'Watching TV' are things which I would consider to be Twitter worthy. 'I'm happy' nor 'Feeling depressed' are snippets of your life which I consider Twitter worthy either.

The topic of conversation which annoys me most on Twitter is the weather. This is what we would consider to be small talk in the outside world; or a 'Phatic Utterance' if you've done A Level English for two years. A lot of Tweets are just moaning about the weather. In the winter, people either moan on Twitter about the lack of snow or the amount of snow and also how cold it is. During the summer, people either moan about it being too hot, too cold or rain. It irritates me that in real life people moan about a yearly cycle, like it's never happened before, so imagine how irate I become when I read it on Twitter.

I like to use Twitter to share interesting and, maybe even occasionally, humorous thoughts or things I find that intrigue me in general life. If I'm going to share something about my life, like what I am doing, I feel I have to add an observation which may make someone, somewhere, smile slightly. I'm not going to lie and say everything that I put on Twitter isn't boring. I am guilty of sharing my mental state occasional and being uninteresting, but I don't like doing it. If I have nothing of any worth to say, I won't say anything. Some days I'll put 4 things on Twitter. Other days I'll put 20 things of Twitter. I barely care about my crap life, so why would I expect someone else to care about it? And likewise, if I barely care about my crap life, why the hell would I care about a complete stranger’s even crappier life?

People use Twitter in the way they use Facebook to update their status. The reason I don't update my Facebook status very often is because I don't want to share every little detail about my life with my Facebook 'friends', and that is what I feel Facebook is for because only friends and family, who care about you, can read it. What you put on Twitter is open to the entire world to read, so you need to impress, and you don't do that by telling strangers you’re miserable or giddy with joy.

Make humorous observations. Share your own jokes. Say interesting things about your life. Share something humorous that happened to you today. Moan about things you hate on TV or in general society. Share funny things you find on the Internet. Discuss news events. Just be interesting. Don't put on Twitter that you're depressed for umpteenth time in one day. We heard you the first time, you miserable bastard!

If you do want to follow me, I'm @MrStuy

Another thing a lot of people do on Twitter is moan about their lack of followers and request more. This is something else that annoys me. Why would someone want to listen to you constantly moan about your lack of followers? It doesn't bother me how many followers I have. If I had 20, I'd say exactly the same things that I do now, and I would continue to say the same things if I had 2000. I admit I got a bit excited when I had 100 followers the first time, but that was just my OCD for numbers shining through. I get excited every time my Tweet counter hits a multiple of a 100. There is even a scheme for the desperate people on Twitter called 'Follow Back', where people will follow each other, in order to have more followers. The problem I foresee here is that you will eventually have hundreds of people sharing their shit lives with you (see previous 5 paragraphs for more details).

If you look at the 38 people who I follow on Twitter, it is a mixture of a few family and friends, a couple celebrities, a few news feeds of local and humorous types and lots of comedians. I like to laugh, so if you don't make me laugh and I don't like you in real life, don't expect me to follow you. I love my timeline being filled with interesting thoughts, funny jokes and weird Internet links. I don't like boring.

There is also a thing on Twitter called 'Trending Topics', which allows you to see what the most talked about topics on Twitter are. Usually, when X-Factor or Football are on, it will all be related to that or when a major world even happens, like Michael Jackson dying, that topic will be trending. On normal, boring days, weird topics will be trending. The problem with Trending Topics is that you never actually know why a topic is trending, so most of the Tweets on topics are asking why that topic is trending, and the more people the ask, the more popular that topic becomes and then become stuck in an annoying paradox.

Twitter is full of spam as well. If you thought it was annoying getting sporadic emails about your small penis size, wait until you use Twitter. I mentioned the word 'Golf' in a Tweet a few weeks ago; I got two replies from companies advertising their golf products, another reply about the Volkswagen Golf GTi and also gained two followers, who were also advertising their golf products. I also mentioned the words 'Single Parent' in a Tweet and I got a reply offering me a subscription to a dating website for single parents. The madness of it! Twitter has become a tool for people to advertise, in amongst all the useless babble.

The main problem I have with Twitter, is me. People don't use Twitter how I would like Twitter to be used. Twitter gives people the freedom of speech, to say whatever they want; and as soon as you start saying you can't do that, you have yourself a website which is run like a dictatorship; and we can all agree that isn't what we want. Twitter is used how individuals choose to use it, and if they want to keep saying they're depressed, you cannot stop them, and so I control it in the only what I can - by following a very select group of people.

Twitter is great for keeping up to date on what your favourite celebrity is up to. Charlie Brooker is my main one. By following him on Twitter, I know exactly when he is on TV and when he has written a new article for me to read. I love that and in fact it was one of the only reasons I got Twitter in the first place - to stalk.

Charlie Brooker's Twitter display picture. A world class scowl!

That is one of the main purposes of Twitter - to stalk people. I can stalk my favourite celebrities without them even knowing and getting a restraining order on me. I know precisely what members of my family are doing without even having to ask them; and likewise for me. People know what I'm doing. People often know when I'm doing it. People even known what kind of car I'm driving, which makes it even easier for them to stalk me. Twitter is a very scary device.

That is another problem with Twitter, as soon as you say anything it goes on the Internet, forever. You have to be careful with what you say, because things can come back and bite you on the derrière. You cannot copyright a Tweet either. You have no way of stopping other people saying it; which is what regularly happens with things I say I've found out. Either people have exactly the same thoughts after me, or they steal them and don't give me credit. Keith Chegwin is a big culprit of this and recently erupted into a 'scandal'. Regularly he will Tweet other peoples jokes. Milton Jones and Tim Vine seem to be his favourites to steal from. You have no way of knowing who the true author of a Tweet is.

And finally, I have to mention Jade Goody. I haven't mentioned her in a blog for nearly 5 months I think, which is brilliant, but now it's time to break that record. When I joined Twitter 20 months ago, it was in the midst of Jade Goody being ill and dying and me disliking her very much. I started to get into regular disputes on Twitter with people about it. Other Twitterer's were very quick to respond when I said something negative about her, so I quickly developed a reputation on Twitter for having very strong opinions about everything and Jade Goody. That has slowly faded away, but my first experiences with Twitter were debating with Jade Goody fans. Something which I am very proud of and I wouldn't have been able to do that without Twitter.

One of the many pictures of Jade Goody leaving hospital and going home to die...

I love Twitter. I adore Twitter. I heart Twitter. There is no hiding that, despite this long, ranting blog about Twitter. I Tweet a lot. I Tweet too much. I spend a lot of time on Twitter. I will Tweet anywhere thanks to being able to Tweet from my phone. I expect I will continue to Tweet for a long time to come. And why? I love blogging, and Twitter is essentially a way of writing lots of mini blogs. It allows me to share my strong views with whoever wants to read them, just like I do with this blog. Also, I advertise my blogs on Twitter, which makes more people, read them.

Now, I better go and advertise this blog to my 99 followers...

A Goody, Jackson And Gately Special

Okay, I had planned to do a Jade Goody special to remind ourselves of the times Jade Goody has been mentioned in my blogs, but with the recent death of Mr Steven Gately, I've decided to slightly alter the subject for this blog. It's now become a 'homage' to Jade Goody, Michael Jackson and Steven Gately, and guess what - Jade Goody still doesn't come across as a popular character.

My obsession with Jade Goody all started when she got cancer really. Before that she remained below my radar of annoyance, and I had apathetic feelings about her. Like I said though, this changed and I made it known. "She is getting no sympathy from me. She is no different to the thousands, probably millions of people are diagnosed with cancer, which is terminal. So why should she be treated any different, just because she was on Big Brother in 2002." That's been my main argument against her really.

I'm quite the angry person when I'm given a free hour or two, a laptop and a subject to write about, which I think has come spilling out whenever my mind has clicked onto 'Jade Goody Rant Mode'. It can be on a subject which is in no way related to her, but I can find a link if I want to, and I'll be sure to use that link! A majority of people have someone like that though, who they absolutely, 100%, categorically, hate - and Jade Goody was my equivalent to that. She just really irritated me while she had cancer - the one opportunity she had to gain sympathy, she ignored and just grabbed lots and lots of lovely money before she died.

After she died, she still irritated me. Like all celebrity deaths, the media manages to keep dragging on and on. Michael Parkinson's very negative comment a few weeks after she died was one way. The main reason Jade Goody’s death has been dragged on, was, and still is, her now widowed husband. First he was seen being upset, then getting angry and going to court then with young, attractive girls. Every time the words 'Jack Tweed' are written by a reporter or muttered by someone reading the news, it isn't long before Jade Goody is mentioned and we're reminded of images of flowers outside her house when she died and images of the bald women in a wheelchair, with tubes up her nose and children on her knee to squeeze a bit more sympathy out of us - the gullible public.

We've had the death of Michael Jackson which has dragged on and on and on and on and on and on. Jermain Jackson is creating a reality show in which he is in search of a young boy who can dance like MJ, and will soon be beamed onto our television sets. I'm not sure what he plans to do with this child, but that's an issue for NSPCC to deal with. We've also have the release of MJ's new song called 'This Is It', and isn't really that brilliant. It's like Man In The Mirror - really, it's what you'd call a classic Michael Jackson song, but because it's by Michael Jackson, as soon as it's released it'll be number one.
Then, more recently, the death of Steven Gately. He died just as surprisingly as MJ did, and caused many Irish women to cry. How many people do you think listened to Boyzone songs that day? Rather a lot I expect. First it was suspected of foul play with Gately and his partner being seen going home accompanied by a third man. What for, we don't know, and don't really want to know. It was later found out after an autopsy that he died of natural causes. We saw images of fans crying, we've seen Ronan Keating crying and we've seen Louis Walsh's chair left empty on the X-factor the past two weeks. We've also started to see a nation unite to complain against a journalist's article in Friday's 'Daily Mail'.

Jan Moir is the women who caused The Press Complaints Commission Website to crash due to the volume of people furious over the article. The article was so bad, it caused Charlie Brooker to write an article, slating her - and on a Friday as well! Having only skimmed through the article, and not read it properly, I can make out she's not fond of homosexuals. She seems to almost think that Gately's sexuality was the cause of him dying. A natural death she seems to think not. How she would know that, I don't know. I've looked on Wikipedia, and she's neither a doctor nor a pathologist. This article is so bad that it's become a police matter - somehow.

She links the recent death of ex-civil partner to Matt Lucas, Kevin McGee to Steven Gately’s surprise death, when really the only link is their sexuality and that they're now dead. According to her, gay people can't live a long and happy life and that it's almost inevitable that the homosexuals of the world will either die of unnatural causes - she isn't very specific of how - or commit suicide. I don't think she's going to be campaigning for gay rights any time soon or indeed be invited to any Boyzone gigs and will spat on by Irish women in the street.

It's this sort of thing though, which will make me grow bored of the story and slowly but surely, the hatred will grow. Just like Jade Goody and Michael Jackson, this story is going to continue on for a while. He's now 6 feet underground, and that should be the end, but because of this 'Journalist' Jan Moir, it's going to rage on for a few more weeks. It essentially, is going to become a printed form of the Ross and Brand fiasco with Andrew Sachs. People who have never read the article, are complaining saying they are offended they should here of such a thing. So well done Ms Moir, look what you've started! Mind you, it's this sort of thing which will turn her from a relatively unknown Journalist, to a well known one.
I'm making note on how to become a well known and famous Journalist - Just call everyone a bastard and complain about every little insignificant thing and eventually I'll be a house-hold name. So, technically I'm right on track, all I need now is to start working...

Be Banished to Big Brother

As you may have notice, a regular theme with my blogs (apart from the depressing love ones) is my dislike of Reality TV shows, and moan because I usually get sucked into watching them. However, that is not the same with Big Brother, and never has been. I have watched very little Big Brother over the past 10 years, and I plan to continue not watching Big Brother. However, because we live in a society where the media likes to tell us things, regardless of whether we want to hear them or not, and peoples’ lives are so dull, that watching people moping around a house for 3 months in classed as 'entertainment'; I hear a lot of gossip about it.

I have three main sources of information about Big Brother. One is friends who for some reason seem to love Big Brother, and will talk about it with other people who watch Big Brother and reminisce over the previous days shenanigans, who will dump who, who will be evicted next and also who they predict to win. Another is radio, where some presenters are also huge fans of this show, and constantly feel the need to blurt out over the airwaves their opinions of what has happened and constantly say 'If you're not watching it, you should' - But I won't. The third is the Internet. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you always get some form of exposure to it, whether you're just on the news websites, catching up on the days happenings or on Facebook reading people pointless status changes (the subject of my next blog).

I'm very sorry for being cynical, but really it's in my nature. You see, I don't really think being stuck in a room full of cameras and people you don't know and won't like for a few months, being part of reality. Now, mistake me if I'm wrong, but Big Brother falls into the Reality genre. The only bit of reality in the show is that they have a kitchen with food in it. I could go broader and say that dumping 10 celebrities into the jungle with a film crew isn't exactly reality either. Neither is a film crew following the 'day-to-day lives' of Katie and Peter or Kerry Katona. Reality TV is really not the correct genre to put it into. Cheap, Humiliation TV - Yes.

I do have reasons for disliking Big Brother, apart from the one above. Remember that lovely women, who graced us with her presence on TV and in Magazines not a few month ago? I forget her name... Oh, that's right - Jade Goody. They even had the cheek to make a Jade Goody Big Brother special, to commemorate her life, as if they couldn't annoy me enough. If this show never existed, she would be completely unknown to me and most of the civilised world. She would have gone about her normal boring life as a dental nurse in Essex and would have died a normal dignified death without all the media attention. She has become, unfortunately, a role model of the 20th Century, and I fear for education in the future. I don't want any future children of mine to learn about Jade Goody, or even have to hear that name, and if they do, I will have to tell them the truth about the vile women that once lived off the media, and it would break their little hearts and they'd have nightmares every night for the next 5 years, and it'll all be the fault of Big Brother. Sorry for being blunt, but I've taken the Jade Goody rant a bit differently this time.

Anyway, another reason for not liking this show is Scrubs. Because of Big Brother, Scrubs is hardly ever on Channel 4/E4 at the moment. I've had to go cold turk-ey. I've gone from watching 2 episodes a day to watching none a day, just like that. Luckily, they timed it just right, so I can at least say that I've seen every episode of Scrubs, apart from Series 8, which hasn't yet been aired in the UK anyway. The point is that Big Brother took away my Scrubs. Simple.

However, if you want to look at it from a positive side, you could say that Endemol had done more to make the streets safer than Jacqui Smith ever did by locking up those 16 prisoners, I mean contestants. It's not as if the contestants have ever had an intellectual conversation, it's sometimes a wonder they manage to string a sentence together when slagging each other off. The fact that a Big Brother challenge was for two of them to legally change their name by deed poll shows how low down the ladder of intellect. One of them changed her name Dogface and the other changed his name to Halfwit. Now if you were looking through peoples CV's, choosing who to hire, those two names would certainly not be on the pile of possibilities.

The contestants still in the house don't, or at least didn't last I heard, know that Michael Jackson had died. However, to quote Charlie Brooker from a few weeks ago, "If we was to make a list of things Big Brother contestants don't know, this would be a very long" blog. And last week, they put in another 5 new housemates into the mix, and already, within a few days, two have walked out. One because there was no-one in the house who he wanted to talk to, and I think he should be hailed as the cleverest, or at least the most observant contestant they've ever had in the Big Brother house. Although, at the same time, you could say, 'Well what was he expecting to find? Stephen Fry sitting in the corner calling him over for a friendly chat by the fire place?’

Which leads me onto a thought, maybe they should do a Big Brother meets University Challenge special, where all the contestants are university graduates with degrees in Quantum Mechanics and Econometrics and Mathematical Economics. Sure it may not be quite as 'entertaining' as the current Big Brother format with people on benefits and strongly opinionated hairdressers (not that I'm undermining people in those categories, I'm just generalising here), where people don't get along, argue and date, but it'd make a nice change from all that, but even then I still wouldn't watch it, so what does it matter to me?
Even the people from Channel Four who introduce the show don't even seem care anymore. A few weeks ago I heard one of them say "Now on Channel Four, you can watch a bunch of random people asleep if you want to...". And that is what it is half the time. During the night, when they're sleeping or just getting ready for bed, you get a live feed of the house, on your living room TV. That's a bit perverted, watching people sleep. You have to be either very addicted to Big Brother or be mentally unstable to watch that the whole night through.

Why are we currently on series 10 of this now awful and boring show I hear you thinking? Well, it’s because writers of normal scripted television shows, cost money and also are very unimaginative. They can't think up new ideas, so they recycle old ideas, and jazz it up a bit to make it look new and fresh. For example, the BBC has commissioned a new Sitcom. I say new, it's actually Only Fools And Horses, but a bit different. It's what they are calling a prequel, where it will follows the life of Del Boy as a teenager. TV bosses have to decide whether to waste their money on silly ideas like that, or cheaply make reality shows, and seeing as we're currently going through a credit crunch, it's usually the latter.

And there we go, and nice cynical blog, ranting about Big Brother, and yet again Jade Goody as well. I'm considering doing a blog special, where I consolidate all my rants about Jade Goody into one big blog. That's something for me to do, should I run out of blog ideas in the near future.

So, on that long note, I shall say Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Oh, and here’s a shameless plug for you, have a look at this website; it’s my newest creation, a web comic. http://im-called-stuart.smackjeeves.com/

Maybe I Should Say Hello and Introduce Myself Finally... Part One

Well, If you haven’t worked out by now, I am Stuart and if you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit of a cynical cunt, to put it politely anyway, and I find a lot to rant and moan about in today’s society and the general public in general. If I was Prime minister, I would do things differently, that is for sure.

One thing I do not like about society is the Media, which is hypocritical really, considering that I would quite like to have a career in the media – as a journalist maybe. The way they turn and twist things around, so they make people look a hell of a lot worse than they do already is an example. Another example is how they document the lives of people, who have no reason to be famous. A name that comes to mind is Jade Goody. Her talent is being a bitch and a chav, although now she’s shaken off the negative image and now the papers all feel sorry for her.

At this point, I could turn around and say that I’m going to go in the media career and completely change it into a respectable career to be associated with – but I won’t. If I even do get into journalism, the chances of me having an impact in anything other than what order to put words in, is very unlikely.

There are two avenues I feel you can go down in journalism. You either go down the Piers Morgan route and become hated widespread over the UK and in the USA, and yet be one of the highest paid ‘personalities’ and have a major impact in pretty much everything in the media.
The other route is go down being lesser known, and yet being respected. Well I say respected, I mean popular, but anyway – the Charlie Brooker route. He’s a cynical cunt and I like that. He is rather popular and has a ‘high-brow’ show on BBC 4, as well as writing columns for numerous national papers, and still having time to update his Twitter. I believe, given the choice, I would pick route B, Charlie Brooker.

So that’s my hypocritical career planned.
Next is onto planning my lonely hearts advert...
I’ll type again tomorrow. XX