The Facebook Factor

I protest that Facebook is ruining almost every aspect of every normal person’s life. Facebook has ruined socialising for 500 million people as their entire life is now planned around Facebook. Facebook is a way of spreading hate for one person over the entire world; like Cat Bin Lady. Facebook ruins TV, with most adverts and programs having an official Facebook page where people can post live comments. Facebook ruins the radio with presenters endlessly plugging their Facebook page for their show or radio station. Facebook now vows to ruin music in a more destructive way than when Katie Price tried her hand at singing. Users of Facebook, through the power of 'Likes', campaign to end The X factor's grip of the UK Singles chart; particularly at Christmas.

I'm not the biggest fan of The X Factor. I will watch it if I'm home and there is nothing else on TV (so that was most weeks). I watch it more to laugh at and definitely not to enjoy a few hours of perfectly pitched singing. This year, The X Factor had all the usual ingredients which it has every other year, apart from Pregnancy and Malaria; those were added seasoning. We had the auditions which consisted of a mixed bag of talent. It had those that were truly terrible, who were laughed at and mocked like a dancing bear with a nose stud. It also had those who were amazingly average, who everyone cheered and clapped at and also got praise from all the judges.

It had fights and scuffles which are normally directed at the judges, but this time it was a double act of teenage hippopotamuses that turned on each other. It also had the acts that were there just for the comedy value that it added to the show, and caused great publicity. That roll fell to Wagner (Pronounced 'Varg-ner') who was a retired Brazilian P.E. Teacher (Pronounced 'Per-vert') who seemed to be giving a monologue, in a slightly camp German accent to the tune of music, while dancers twirled around him. Essentially, just think Jedward in 50 years, after one of them got murdered by someone baring Jedward's debut album as a weapon.

Those two lovely girls I was just telling you about...

Wagner. What else do I need to say?

It had over exaggerated bitchiness between the judges too; mostly directed at poor Louis Walsh. Dannii Minogue regularly retorted to any criticism Louis had for Dannii's acts. Simon Cowell would scowl judgingly at any chance he got, as if Louis had just taken off all of his clothes and had put his pants on his head while singing a Westlife song. Then Cheryl Cole would look puppy-eyed at Simon, begging for praise after every song and have a paddy every time he said something negative. Just like every year.

The X Factor also had a selection of other singers who were not Wagner. Most of them were average. The type of singers you find drunk over a karaoke machine in a pub, screaming 'Angels'. Most of them I can't actually remember their names, but then I suppose that is because I have stored more important information in my head. You know, like the capital of Costa Rica being San Jose, where I left my car keys or how much cheese we have left in the fridge; you know, the important stuff.

I know that the final consisted of four acts: Cher Lloyd came fourth and she was a teenage girl with a dream. A dream to sing. She made this known all the time, thus why everyone thought of her as this cocky little girl. She wanted to be more of a hip hop, R&B singer, so she had no chance of winning a pop contest. A band of hairless monkeys called One Direction came third, and these were Simon's little clones. He wanted them to win. His face was a picture when they went out. A Geordie woman came second, who was a spectacularly average singer, who was actually quite nasally and the only person who could understand her was Cheryl.

The winner, and holder of Christmas Number One 2010, was a bloke called Matt Cardle. He was a painter and decorator who liked wearing flat caps. Incidentally, if you had him booked to paint your lounge in the New Year, I would consider finding yourself someone else - I don't think he will be turning up. He was the best of a bad bunch in my opinion; above average, but not exactly the best singer you will ever hear. His single was a cover of Biffy Clyro's song 'Many A Horror', which Simon Cowell decided to rename 'When We Collide' for reasons which are obvious to absolutely no-one.

Here is your champion!

So, another Christmas, and another Christmas Number One which is in no way related to Christmas. A shame, but I'm not particularly bothered. Last year had the overly popularised Facebook campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to be Christmas Number One, in protest of Simon Cowell stubbornness. They managed it and Joe McElderry never got the Festive Chart Position he aimed for. This year saw two Facebook Campaigns. One was to get the original Biffy Clyro song to the glorious chart position. They managed 8th. A second campaign was to get 'The Bird Is The Word', a song shoved into the modern public domain by Family Guy, to lead the chart. This managed 3rd. It seems the Facebook campaigns didn't work this year; or as Facebook users might put it - It was an Epic Fail.

The worst protest against The X Factor was 'Cage Against The Machine', which was essential a group of a few dozen so-called 'real rockers', crowding into a tiny room to shuffle about and recreate John Cage's 4'33" – or other words – silence. This got to 21 in the Chart. This shambolic revolution was led by many people, but most notably Pete Doherty.

Now, I think it would have been better to put together a real Christmas song. You know, one with lyrics and instruments that is original, and not an incredibly vain attempt to be a bit of a profanity.

In the words of Kirsty MacColl "You Scumbag, You Maggot, You cheap lousy Faggot", go write a decent Christmas song next year, instead of sitting behind your iPad and complaining about The X Factor being Number 1 again.

Am I Watching Britain's Got Talent or X-Factor?

Okay, that's not exactly a unique observation, a lot of people have commented on how the new format is the same as Britain's Got Talent - even Cowell himself. Anyway, the auditions have come to an end and honest, I don't think the new format is any better or worse. It's just a way of increasing the embarrassment levels for the damn right awful and increasing the confidence of the spectacular, and I suppose that's a good think really, in a kind of twisted way.

There is one major difference between the new format of X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent, and that is the lack of a buzzer and a giant X above the stage. However, to compensate for the loud, annoying, buzzer sound, the X-Factor does allow Dannii Minogue to talk, so they're about equal on the annoying sounds. Another difference between the two is the lack of an Ant and a Dec, as well as not having a twat (Piers Morgan), sitting on the end making silly jokes - Louie Walsh is there for that job.

This is nothing new, and infact, apart from having a few thousand people sitting behind the judges clapping like children’s wind-up toys in the audtions, it's exactly the same. As usual, you can tell right from the beginning of the clip, whether the contestant is going to be fantastic or utterly rubbish. If there is a sob story just before then they'll be great. A tale of someone coping with autism is one and another is losing his job. Also, the background music has become synonymous with the contestants talent ability. If something like the Steptoe & Sons theme tune is played, you instinctively think rubbish. Should something cheery and soft come on you think they'll be great. There aren’t really any surprises in the X-Factor, or indeed any 'reality' show on the goggle box.

The new format does allow the contestant to sing to backing music, as opposed to standing awkwardly in a quiet room like they used to. Having the music to sing to is great for the people with talent, and just enhances how good they sound. However, as always you have the talentless contestants who also sing with music, and it just makes them sound even worse. It makes it easier to tell that they're not in beat, as well as just making their voice sound like someone pleasuring themselves with a hedgehog (not a nice image there - sorry).
In the old format, when you get the final 10, friends and family all started wearing T-shirts with the name and photo of their loved one (basically just a notice board which walks around and cheers) to show support. Now however, almost every contestant comes with an entourage of people wearing white T-shirts with their face on, and you do feel sorry for all those people wasting money to get the T-shirts made and they don't even get through to the next round because the contestant was bloody awful.

I am still amazed by the amount of awfully deluded people that go on the show believing that they really do have 'The X-Factor'. Yet now it's not quite so fun watching them for two reasons. Firstly, because you do (or I did at least), have a great deal of sympathy for that person on stage in front of thousands of people singing badly and just being humiliated. Secondly, people don't retaliate half as much as they used to. Maybe it's because of the great depression caused by Credit Crunch and worrying how to pay the bill for the T-shirts or maybe just because they have an audience. Either way, it's a shame because I really did enjoy watching people shout at Simon.
One great thing about angry contestants is that they all say the same comment ‘I'd like to see Simon go up on stage and sing'. Since when has Simon said he can sing? I don't think he'd ever dispute that he couldn't do it, but he's famous for being reasonably good at producing and judging good talent -that's his job. The mind of a deluded person seems very interesting.

Another thing with contestants, particularly the elderly female ones, is that they are incredibly horny! As are Simon and Louie. It's just a very odd experience to sit and watch a 78 year old women telling Simon she'd like him to be her Toy-Boy, or telling Louie how they admire him for reasons I can't quite comprehend. Then you get the young women who seem to flirt with Cheryl, telling her how they admire her so much and want to be just like her. Sweet, but again slightly odd, but who does Dannii get to flirt with? No-one, bless her.

It does seem whenever Cheryl talks to a fellow scouse person, they begin to sound like they're talking in their own language, and then she uses it as an excuse to get on stage and give them hug. Infact, Cheryl seems to use any excuse to get on stage and hug contestants. As soon as someone begins to cry, she'll jump up and rush onto the stage to save the contestant from the nasty wasty comments.
Nasty comments, aren't really nasty comments though, I think they call it the truth in some social circles. Simon Cowell is famed for being a big, nasty man who wants to crush everyone's dreams, when really he's saying what everyone else is thinking, and because the people can't accept it, it's interpreted into nastiness.

With Louie sitting in place of where Mr Twat would sit on the judging panel of Britain's Got Talent, it does seem Louie has started using some of Morgan's habits. One for example is the bad puns used to say yes or no. To say yes to someone who has just sung a Girls Aloud song, he'll say 'I'll stand by you, it's a yes from me' or to say no to someone who has just sung a Michael Jackson song (as an awful tribute), he'll tell them to 'Beat it'. Just awful.

One last point I have before I'll have to end this long blog, is the Juxtaposition between Simon and Cheryl who usually sit next to each other. Cheryl makes an effort to wear something different and lavish everyday to look 'stunning'. Yet Simon sits wearing the same thing, just alternating the colour of the t-shirt; Jeans and a white or grey t-shirt. Surely he can afford to wear something a bit different, but that's not important, it's a talent show, not a fashion show, so not sure why I felt the need to mention it. Nether-the-less, I did!

The end has come and I think I should tell you not to get too excited at what I'm about to tell you. Susan Boyle is releasing an album in November. I expect every person reading this has just let out an involuntary cheer and is now so exited they've rushed onto Play.com to pre-order the CD (hint of sarcasm there?), so I'll end.

Toodles M’dearys
xXXx

P.S. Don't forget Sunday my blog appearance will change and a new blog will be posted, to mark the one year anniversary of me updating my blog, so that's something for you to look forward to.