Ant & Dec Push the Self Destruct Button on Their Careers

Last week I watched 'Ant & Dec's Push the Button' late at night while suffering from lack of sleep, and even in this state I could tell how utterly awful the show was. It is a show which is on Saturday Nights for next six weeks I believe, fronted obviously by Ant & Dec. From what I gathered, the general gist of the show is for two families to go head-to-head against each other to win some money; nothing really unusual there. However, the twist is that both families start on £100,000 and the longer they take to complete a task or the worst they do at the task, the more the money counts down. The money they have at the end, they try to win. The losers? Well they get salt and pepper shakers. The reason for it being called 'Push The Button' is because each task is ended by pressing a giant button.

The thing with Ant & Dec is that they are brilliant presenters. The chemistry they have with the audience and the nation, as well as with each other, is what makes them so good at presenting shows like 'I'm A Celebrity...' and 'Saturday Night Takeaway'. The problem is, they are too good. This new show of theirs is as bad as the show they done for Boxing Day last year. They are good at presenting the unusual shows, but when it comes to them actually hosting another knock-off show, they are just crap. I honestly used to love Ant & Dec, but now they just seem like a fantastic version of 'Jedward' - and that is no compliment!
The show to me seemed like a very bad format of Family Fortunes; and infact every other game show that has ever been on television. Two families competing against each other; it is not exactly an original format is it? The show seems to have average, normal day people from housing estates, who all either have bad hair, bad teeth or bad acne. In one case, one contestant had all three – the poor boy. The families however, are introduced in a montage of clips of Ant & Dec going to their houses and workplaces to tell them that they have been selected. This was not a good move in my opinion. The introductions were horrific and very mad. It is what I would imagine Jeremy Kyle to be like if happy gas was being pumped into the studio. Not a good combination.

The tasks themselves were totally stupid as well. I actually could not believe how awful and plain stupid each game was. One of the tasks had a giant Simon Cowell head, which came forward onto the stage in a fashion which was reminiscent of someone coming through the glittery doors of 'Stars In Their Eyes'. The idea of this game was to count how many teeth appeared in the giant head, and there were three rounds. Essentially, they may as well have sung '10 Green Bottles Sitting On A Wall...' This I thought to be not only boring, but idiotic, pointless and overall, yet another stupid task. 'Why a giant Simon Cowell head?' someone must have asked during the production, and I hope they had a bloody good reason for it. If humour was the reason, then they failed dramatically. This wasn't the only stupid task though; other ones consisted of putting shapes through corresponding holes, giant cake building and Yodelling.
Another annoying factor which I think helps to prove how bad the show was, is that Peter Dickson did not do the voice over. We now live in an age where if Peter Dickson is doing the voice over for a show, it must be good! Clearly he was either too expensive or he refused to be associated with this show, as his voice was nowhere to be heard. Instead the voice of Ronnie Corbett did the job instead. I am a fan of him, I think he is a good example of classic comedy from the days when it was funny, but I don't think this was really the right gig for him to put his name to. You almost felt sorry for him when you heard his voice being forced to read the script.

Then along came the Americanism. Something which is rather popular with American shows is that they do mini-sketches half way through a show. Unfortunately, this show also consisted of one performed by the duo. It wasn't even original; this is something that wasn't even that original when a similar thing happened in Mr Bean. It was a sketch in a Dentist's room with Dec playing the naive character and acting like a complete idiot for 'laughs'. It actually was not very unfunny. You couldn't even call it 'So Bad It Was Good'. It was that bad. Clearly, ITV have yet again lowered their comedy standards to BBC 3, to the level of shows such as 'Coming of Age': making very bad, stupid jokes which are more embarrassing than they are funny.

I find this a big shame as I was prepared to like the show. After hearing that this show could potentially be a permanent replacement for 'Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway', I wanted it to be good and worthy of taking over the Saturday Night Primetime reigns. Unfortunately, it was not, and I hope that ITV do not keep this as a replacement, and in fact bring back 'Saturday Night Takeaway'. The reason why that show worked and this didn't purely is because it was THEM competing. It was different to all these shows in which members of the public compete against each other. We liked the format of them competing. Also, the fact that it was the 'Only show on telly in which you could win the contents of the Ads' was brilliant. Three cars, a grand in the bank, and new television and toilet cleaner, this is what everyone dreamed of winning.

There is also a reason why they are good at hosting 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' but absolutely rubbish at hosting their own show 'Ant & Dec's Christmas Show'. They are brilliant at hosting the former, purely because they are not the main feature of the show. When it comes to them being the main structure of the show, it begins to collapse. They are possibly the best presenters in modern television at hosting other people’s ideas, but when it comes to hosting their own ideas, they are as good as rubbish.

Now, I want to plea with Ant & Dec's agent to not let them make yet another mistake by putting their name to another awful show. I don't think they would be able to survive another piece of crap. They have come a long way from the days of acting in Grange Hill and presenting SM:TV Live with Cat Deeley, do not let them digress to such awful pieces of television again. Thank you.

The Past Seven Weeks Have Just Flown By...

I know I've already done a Britain's Got Talent blog, but another is deserved, because every time Piers Morgan came on the screen and said some crap, I just had 'Twat' pop up in bright, red, flashing lights - and for the record, I believe that Mr Methane (the farting guy) taught Piers Morgan to talk out of his arse...

I am intrigued as to what happened to Ant & Dec last night, because they didn’t seem to be on top form – well Ant wasn’t. He’s look for the evening seemed to be a bowling pin, with freshly painted black hair. His features also seem to be slipping further down his face. Dec seemed to be carrying him really, as well as the show, and it’s not a usual thing for me not to say positive things about Ant & Dec.

Something else which is annoying me is the amount of singing on Britain's Got Talent, and that is including Susan Boyle, because that's what 'The X Factor' is for, for British singing talent. Britain's Got Talent should be used as a way to celebrate the 'Diversity' (See what I done there...) of talent that we have here in Britain, from dancing groups, to violin players, to complete and utter freaks, with unusually large earlobes. I shall comment on the acts from the first of the semi finals, with my cynical view.

So, Diversity were the opening act for the Semi-Finals, and I must say, the best act of the night, and luckily they got through, and it must be the first time I agreed with Piers Morgan on something, but I'll try not to make it a regular occurrence, otherwise I may have to shoot myself with a gun loaded with shame. I like these street dance acts; I think they are really clever, because I could never do that, and at the end of their performance, with them incorporating people picking up the phone and voting for them in their act, was pretty darn clever choreography.

We had Natalie, a 10 year old (I think) who had quite a mature voice for someone her age, and she was good. The one thing I don't like about all these child singing acts is the fact they are children, and I'm against them being shoved in front of the camera by their parents and forced to sing to an audience otherwise they don't get their meal served on their favourite plate. I believe that if they are good when they are young, they will be excellent when they are older, so why can't they wait until they're sixteen and shove them on X-Factor. Luckily, she didn't get through - however she did cry live on telly, but not to worry, it was past her bed time.

We then had time for some surreal 'dancing', with Darth Jackson coming onto the stage, with a trademark white glove. It was a piece of very basic choreographed danced, with it really only involving him and some other people in costume moving across the stage. We also had SueSon, who was a violin player. Nothing out of the ordinary, she wasn't playing whilst eating fire, or playing with a venomous snake, she was just playing a violin - something rather a lot of people can do these days - so nothing that special. After her performance though, Simon Cowell said ''I'd sacrifice friendship over success any day", which I think is a good quote, which sums him up really and that is the reason for his success – no friends.

For Britain's Got Imported Talent - The Belly Dancer impressed the two guys with her assets, but Amanda buzzed not because she was jealous of her body, but because she was concerned about the Queen not appreciating Charles and her boys slobbering over the sight of her. I'm assuming she wasn't talking about Prince Andrew though... All I can say is that I'm glad there was a desk in front of Simon and Piers.

For some comic relief, in the form of the village people and another dance act, we had 'Faces of Dance', in which they put on faces of famous people, while dancing - this time to 'In The Navy'. First we had the pleasure of seeing Obama and Gordon dancing, summing up Britain and America's relationship, which was then strangely followed by The Queen and Prince Phillip dancing along. Next up was Ant and Dec, in which the camera turned to the real ones laughing, and then onwards to the faces of Jordan and Peter for some satirical dancing as I liked to call it. Last we had Simon and... Well Simon, and another Simon, and another and another, and in fact the stage then became infested with Simon Cowell's, dancing with their tops off.
The reactions from the judges involved Piers being less smug, because he wasn't included and made 'jokes' showing his jealousy, then Amanda who was dribbling more than what the other two did around the belly dancer, and making many sexual innuendo's because they had a six pack. Then Simon Cowell was just very big faced... Literally.

We also had a guy called Mick Hell and his fiancée, who’s chosen backing music was Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love, which I think perfectly described their relationship. He was basically a guy who stuck a drill up his nose, held an axe between his legs using his ear lobes, and took a chainsaw to his fiancée who was yielding a cucumber. I can only assume he was trying to kill her so he didn't have to marry the women who looked like she had been sacked from being Santa's Lil Helper because she kept putting drugs in the toy trains. In an attempt to be funny though, Mr Twat said 'Can you use the chainsaw on Simon', but luckily the audience didn't laugh, so he was quickly put in his place.

The final act was Susan Boyle, who did get through to the finals because of YOU, the British public, doing exactly what the media told you to do – yet again. You all voted for her because the media keep shoving her in your faces so much you've actually grown to 'like' her and feel sympathy for the confident bitch. The media attention she's got from both sides of the Atlantic is pathetic, but now she has too much confidence. Personally I think her and Piers should run off together because they are obviously perfectly suited, and he resorted to claiming that she was the saviour of the world, spreading hope to 58 million computer screens. Twat.
Anyway, within the first 5 seconds she went off key twice, but I must say she made a good recovery, but she was still a disappointment. And she does look terrible. If you thought Paul Potts was bad, you haven't seen anything. I would describe her look as a potato with the roots as hair and two slugs for eyebrows. At one point, the camera angle made it look like she had light shinning out of her arse... Or was it her face... It is so hard to tell. And when Ant & Dec announced she was the winner, she done the chicken dance across the stage and continuously thrust her hips at Piers. Not a pretty sight.

I really do not like Piers Morgan, and as you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a fan of Susan Boyle. I believe she is my replacement for Jade Goody. She has made it big just because she has a big mouth and because she was on a reality show, which she is more than likely going to win - unfortunately. I look forward to a future where my blogs will be less about dead reality TV stars, and more about reality stars which take form as a potato.

But Declan Donnelly promised us another semi tomorrow night. The dirty boy.
Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

I’m A ‘Celebrity’... Save My Career!

I was thinking of calling the blog ‘I’m an OAP... Get Me Out Of Here’, but then I decided I can’t keep picking on Old Aged Pensioners. There are rather a lot of older people in the jungle this time though, isn’t there. I hope that ITV are fully ensured in case one of them breaks a hip or whatever.

I have quite a few problems with it this year, as I did last year, and that is the definition of Celebrity. I think it is given out far too easily these days. Why WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) are considered an occupation and a reason to be famous I will never know. The other thing is the fact that there is a guy in there whose only claim to fame is being gay really and the fact that once upon a time he was a top plod in Metropolitan police. How can they be considered reasons to be famous? Another thing is that I don’t know who half these people are, indicating their career is long gone, or the other half who I do know, but haven’t really heard anything about for a long time, also indicating the fact that their career is long gone.

Yet another thing that annoys me every single year, is the fact that none of them seemed to have ever watched the show before. Every year, and especially this year, all you hear is them being surprised over something which always happens. ‘We’re jumping out a plane?’ or ‘We’re being split up into groups?’ or most annoyingly ‘Do I have to eat that? It’s disgusting!’ It happens every year you morons. This is the eighth series now, and surely they must have watched at least some bits during that time.

There is one more reason why I hate I’m a Celebrity... is the general public. Every year we get 3 weeks of madness, although even when it is finished, all you get in the papers and magazines for weeks afterwards is ‘exclusives’ from every celebrity who appeared in it. So, for the three weeks at least, all you hear walking around is people saying ‘Did you watch I’m A Celebrity last night? OMG, did you see it when...’ and general stuff like that. It’s a waste of everyone evening if you ask me!

There is a good point though. And I find that Ant and Dec always seem to see me through the pain of being glued to the telly every night between 9 and 10. I don’t know how I’d cope if I didn’t have their cheeky jokes and puns. It would be nightmare. As long as they’re doing it though it will be successful, and ITV know that, so as soon as they want to stop, it won’t be able to carry on much longer with the same kind of popularity at least.

Now, I really do dislike Robert Kilroy Silks. I don’t know what it is, but I do hate him. I think he just a total t**t, there’s nothing else to him. That is how he made his career, and that is how his career will carry on I guess. The person I’m backing to win though is George Takei. He is the actor who used to appear in Star Trek, and probably makes him the most famous of the lot. He is 71, and I think that takes a lot of guts to do something like this at that age. Plus every time he opens his mouth I laugh because of his voice. All I can see the entire time he talks is him in a Star Trek costume. But you must remember, every time I support someone to win a show like this, they always loose, so I wouldn’t go putting any bets on him just yet.