March Madness

There have been plenty of slow news weeks. Even slow news months. The past month has probably been the complete opposite with so much happening, the news has struggled to fit it all in. Obviously we've had the Japanese Earthquake which has resulted in weeks of footage enforcing the destructive force left in its wake. We started a 'war' in Libya because it's been too long since we bombed another country which lots of oil. London has been hit by what are becoming trademark protests over money and lots of graffiti is used. There's been a double murder, with one victim being a woman who left a nightclub at 3am; a fact constantly told to us and repeatedly proved by CCTV footage. A 'Supermoon' loomed over the horizon for the first time in 11 years. The biggest news of all is that petrol is 1p cheaper, and thanks to that, I can afford a Mediterranean holiday!

Of course I can't afford a Mediterranean holiday. I haven't even got a passport...

I'm not going to jabber on about the Japanese Earthquake and subsequent disasters because I've already written in great length about that in my previous blog. However, I would just like to point one thing out to my local County Council. Three months after the cold weather, we still have roads smothered in bloody pot holes, and when they are finally repaired, they're done so poorly, that the road crumbles again as soon as a cyclist travels over it. The Japanese: Within a week of the tsunami, a road which was destroyed by its destructive force, was rebuilt and open. Shaming us Brits: It's the Japanese way...

In just a week!

There is one question which no-one really knows the answer to at the moment: Are we actually at war? The way I read it, the short and technical answer is probably no; not for now atleast. However, we are doing nothing to help international relations with Libya, and if you look at our current bombing habits, it's hard to not think we're at war. The English, American and French coalition are actually only enforcing a no-fly zone. This means, that no flights are currently, legally allowed to occur in the airspace above Libya. That’s simple enough. That just means we attack planes that break this rule in an attempt to keep civilians safe. Of course it's not that simple! America is involved. They seem to think that life is actually just a real game of Black Ops or some other war game with similarity. Just shoot anyone who has a vaguely coloured tone, just in case. "They're covered in dust? Better shoot just to be sure”.

An American plane came into difficulties and crashed near a village. The pilots parachuted safely. The locals welcomed the American's and even celebrated how they were helping their country. Then, during a mission to rescue said pilots by American troops, six villagers were shot and injured, including a young boy who lost a leg. An accident they call it. How does that even happen? America is just not happy unless they're shooting at people of a different race.

This does seem like this is going to end in much the same way as Iraq and Afghanistan; which is what people are worried about. We're forcing a country to abide by our rules. Sure, Gaddafi is a bit 'crazy'. I thought we were past the times when a leader would kill his country's citizens because they disagreed with him. Now, there is a debate about how involved we should become in this. Technically, it's illegal for us to give arms to the Libyan people to overthrow the Government. David Cameron still wants to do it though. However, we gave Afghanistan arms in the 90's, and look how that ended. This is a very complex issue which I know not enough about to be able to write more about before becoming inaccurate, boring and just writing gobbledegook.

Next issue on this month’s agenda: The London Protests.

London. It's such a wonderful, beautiful city. Apart from when a small selection of society decide to smash up shops, throw ammonia at policemen, vandalising historic monuments and just generally make profanities of themselves.

The March 2011 protests were about the recent budget cuts. 250,000 respectable citizens marched through the streets of London holding placards to make their point, whilst keeping within the law and having fun. The news repeatedly referred to it as a 'carnival atmosphere'. Then, a couple hundred people turned up disguised in balaclavas, and thought they would undermine the respectable citizens in their aim, by trashing London. As soon as the media found these events scattered across London, the media concentrated on them instead. Suddenly, the majority are forgotten once again.

Let me share a few figures. 66 people were injured; including 13 police. 214 protestors were arrested. That final figure is awful. I understand some of the anger by these protests, in that they attacked the shops, banks and hotels which avoid paying taxes in some shape or form. However, vandalising really isn't helping. Why does this always have to happen? We're a civilised community in this country, and a small percentage just wants to be violent.

Let's forget the protests that are 'fighting' for our future, and just concentrate on the main issue. Like everyone, I disapprove of the budget cuts, but I appreciate that it needs to be done, and maybe it could have been enforced slowly over a longer period, but let's just get over it, carry on with our lives and just be more conservative with our money. Could be worse; we could have just been hit by a huge earthquake and tsunami which killed thousands and destroyed life as we know it...

Labour seem somewhat hypocritical in all this however. I hear you cry 'But Stuart, politicians are never hypocritical. That word doesn't even appear in their dictionaries!" Yes dear reader, it's true. They're thinking about winning back more local council positions in the upcoming elections and are looking ahead to the future when they bid for power of the country again. They want people to like them again, and they're doing that by declaring that what Cameron and his followers are doing, is wrong. However, weren't Labour planning cuts nearly as bad? Yes, yes they were. They seem to have carefully forgotten that fact... Hmm.

Those have been the main points for March, but so much more has happened, and 2011 is proving to be such a busy year. However, I have limited knowledge, limited time and limited motivation to write a huge blog, decrying how awful life is becoming!

In April, we can looks forward to Easter Egg scoffing, a royal wedding and much more I expect...

WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I blame those pesky neutrinos. If you have seen the film '2012', you will know why. I only watched it very recently for the first time after buying it cheap in HMV. It is possibly one of the best disaster movies I have seen. I'll give you a quick synopsis in case you have not seen it. Essentially, neutrinos from a solar flare penetrate the Earth and warm up with Earth's core. (Already, the film has got the 'sciencey' bit wrong in that Neutrinos do not behave in that sort of way...). There are lots people running around and warning each other about the impending doom. The year 2012 arrives and lots on mini-quakes start to occur across the globe, and this causes cracks in the Earth's surface. The movie follows a family as they try to outrun the disaster, in which they drive through crumbling cities and fly around the World, getting help from people they meet along the way. They make it to China where the World's richest and most deserved get a pass onto one of numerous arks, along with every species of animal, in a modern-day adaption of the tale of Noah. By this point, you have to forget that millions of people have died in tsunamis, eruptions of super volcanoes, epic earthquakes and other natural disasters, so you can buy into the fact that everyone on these arks are happy that they are saved. The destruction of Earth stops as quickly as it started, and everyone moves to Africa. They probably live happily ever after. Finished.

The film 2012 is based around the idea of the Mayan's Calendar, which states that on the 21st of December, 2012, the World will come to an end. This, of course, is only a theory, but conspiracy theorists and movie directors find this a great idea to exploit. There is a possibility to this, albeit a slight one, in that our Sun's solar activity is going to intensify and let out huge solar flares as part of its 11 year cycle that coincidentally reaches its peak in 2012. These are not going to heat our World up to a point which we all fall into the Earth's core however. At worst, it will destroy our communication systems, and you know, to a stroppy teenager who can't text their mate down the road because of the inconvenience caused by the Sun, it may probably seem like the end of the world.

The film, although brilliant if you remove yourself from rational thought, is so far from possibility, it becomes laughable. Much like another apocalyptic movie, ‘The Day After Tomorrow', in that everything happens with such speed, if you were a deep sleeper, you'd miss the whole event.

However, maybe these laughable films are actually, slowly, becoming a reality. We're only three months into 2011 and already Australia has been flooded and hit by a hurricane, New Zealand has been rocked by an Earthquake and Japan has been almost destroyed by a horrific Earthquake which resulted in a huge tsunami and (at the time of writing) is about to be vaporised by a huge nuclear explosion, should you choose believe the news. The closer we get to 2012, should we expect an increase in even worse global events happening? The apocalypse is only one calendar away! Imagine the irony; just as the middle-eastern countries release themselves from the oppression of unfair Governments, they end up killed by a super volcano in the middle of Egypt. Also, why are we even bothered by increased tuition fees and a slashed NHS budget? We'd have all drowned in a freak tsunami from the Irish Sea by the time the effects really hit us. Damn you Neutrinos! Damn you!

In all seriousness (and those are three words you read rarely on this blog), the recent events in Japan are absolutely terrible. Seeing those initial pictures on the News on the 11th March, really depressed me. It scared me. It is horrifying. I just don't know what to say. A confirmed number of over 8,000 people have lost their lives, and another 13,000 are missing. The devastation is beyond imaginable, and I'm sure the true extent is impossible to try and convey on the news. However, still, the media 'flood' to this event like Cheetahs to a limping Zebra.

Every fifteen minutes for the first few days on 24 Hour News channels, we were shown the same videos, which involved aerial shots of huge tides sweeping away towns, cars floating about like plastic ducks and amateur footage of people running upstairs after spotting the water gushing into their homes. The media were keen to keep this story fresh, so they, as they always do, talked to irrelevant people who knew less than them. My favourite example is when a news presenter was talking to an English person in Japan through Skype. Great idea, but when the person lives the other side of the country, how is he supposed to know how people who have lost their homes and family, are coping?

Then each night a reporter would go and stand in front of a devastating scene to illustrate how bad this event was. This has ranged from standing in front of a ferry which was swept aground and now sitting atop a building, to a wrecked lorry mounted upon a pile of rubbish. I'm expecting the news reporters to become desperate and just start standing in front of a field of corpses, while he delivers his piece to camera with a deadpan expression on his face.

This is the tsunami the Japanese side of the North Pacific...

You really do have to admire the Japanese people though. If this event happened anywhere else in the World, the News channels would have hours of footage in which women do pieces to camera while sobbing uncontrollably, while others are behind them in the foetus position while screaming in a foreign language. I have seen no clips like that from the Japanese. They just seem to have accepted it and have resolved to carry on and sort out the aftermath as soon as possible. In fact, they seem to be more British than I. They really have taken the motto "Keep Calm and Carry On" to heart. For that, I think the Japanese are the strongest and most admirable race on our Earth.  I am proud to be of the same species as them. The Americans however, I am not. When news hit America that a big tide was on its way, they wept at the camera continuously, and prayed to God. All they got was a slightly bigger wave than normal. Yet still, they cried at the camera, telling us how scared this made them feel.

This is the 'tsunami' the American side of the North Pacific...

"Dear America, Grow some balls. Signed, Britain."

Mind you, we Brits are still guilty of finding misfortune at the misery of another nation. The past week has just been filled with people stating that Nuclear Power is unsafe and dangerous due to the recent danger caused by the Japanese Earthquake. On the contrary, I think this is a testament to how safe Nuclear Power is and how safe the systems put in place are. One of the most powerful Earthquakes in recent memory strikes not far from these sites, and then huge tidal waves swept through. This is the same Earthquake that made skyscrapers many miles away sway, and the same tsunami that swept many building from their foundations. Yet, for the most part, these buildings remained in tack.

The word 'meltdown' has been thrown across the media and Internet a lot of recent days, and this is a word which has the power to strike panic into one’s mind. It's one of those buzzwords that aren’t a used a lot, but when it is used: Woah, you better run away screaming! I'm not going to claim to know a great deal about Nuclear energy, but those explosions were caused by the formation of hydrogen gas when the cooling equipment failed to work and the hot rods and steam reacted with each other. Why did the cooling equipment not work? Damaged power supplies stopped them working. This isn't a demonstration of how dangerous nuclear power is; it's a demonstrating of how fragile our World is.

I, and I am sure a lot of other people paying attention to this story, have learnt a lot/had our memories refreshed about Nuclear Power. The news, although sometimes morally wrong, can be very informative when it needs to make the ignorant masses understand important news events. In your face Jamie's Dream School! Give us devastation and computer animations with things blowing up, in amongst some words from the periodic table and innuendos such as 'rods becoming hot', we, as a nation, are well away.

Anyway, my biggest of sympathies go to Japanese people, but, I'm sure they will rebuild their destroyed towns and communities to something much better than they previously had and put us to shame again. It's the Japanese way.

Jamie Oliver's Terrorist Recruitment Show

We've all been to school. Some of us have excelled and have surpassed all expectations. Others amongst us didn't do so well. The rest of us hit all the averages. Average students. These average students are hitting all the targets set by the Government. The average students don't get celebrated for their achievements and the average student doesn't disrupt a class and gain attention that way. The average student is the one the teacher cannot remember the name of. The average isn't known personally to the headmaster. The average student goes through their schooling career relatively unnoticed and doesn't complain about it. The average student is completely forgotten about.

I put myself in the category of an average student. I got a majority of my GCSE's to a C or B grade. I wasn't disruptive. My talents are not/have not been celebrated by my school in the 8 years I have been there. It took years for teachers to associate my face with my name in some cases. I'm not well known to my headmaster. I have spent the past 8 years in a high school where I have been completely overlooked, and guess what; I've not complained about it. I've just gotten on with it. I've watched people around me be praised for their extra-curriculum talents and achievements, while I've been completely forgotten and my talents unnoticed by the vast majority. I've also sat in a class while arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerps muck about and try their best to wind up the teacher up and therefore stopping 30 other students from gaining the education they deserve. They do this repeatedly, and repeatedly, and no punishment is awarded so the class continues to be disrupted.

Yet, it is those arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerps that have been given their own series on Channel Four called 'Jamie Oliver's Dream School'. This is so that Jamie Oliver can put his arm around them and tell them that the education system has failed them. As a reward for being an arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerp, they get educated by people who are widely respected in their subject fields. Possibly the greatest historian, David Starkey, aptly teaches them History. One of the greatest political minds [Citation Needed], Alistair Campbell, teaches them the ways of Politics. Simon Callow, one of the highly respected Shakespearean actors, teaches these arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerps the ways of Shakespeare. Robert Winston, a widely respected scientist, teaches them Science. Rankin, one of the greatest, currently active Photographers, teachers these bloody children Photography. There are so many examples of brilliant people teaching their subject field to children who I feel do not deserve these brilliant experiences. 

This is a fine example of the average student, the same students who have had their learning constantly disrupted by these arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerps, being overlooked and forgotten. I don't even think this selection of children have the word 'bashful' in their dictionaries. Our reward for doing well is a piece of paper. Their reward for failing is spending two months in the company of a selection of brilliant people, who they don't even know. Ironically, if they actually learnt anything at school, they might know who some of these people are!

The worst thing about all of this is that most of them don't even appreciate the experience of a lifetime which has been put in front of them! Most of them are treating it in exactly the same way as they treated their schooling career. Constantly talking, bickering, texting, dreaming, disrupting and just generally being profanities, and ruining this experience for those of them that do want to change their luck. The Government can't understand why people of our own countries turn to terrorism. I can understand exactly where they're coming from. Watching this show is enough to radicalise me into being a terrorist.

Is this show actually trying to raise awareness of our failing education system? No. Is this show actually trying to help these children improve on their skills so they do better at life? No. Is this show purely another way for Channel Four to entertain its audience rather than document and inform? No. How do I know that? Simple; the students they focus on mainly. They have 20 children. They focus mainly on about 3 or 4. These are the ones who shout and argue. Connor is the main one, and he is an 18 year old cockney who has no GCSE's. He speaks his mind and he takes no shit; not even from Starkey. Starkey called him fat. Connor retorted by pointing out Starkey's shortness. It was the greatest televised debate since Gordon Brown agreed to everything Nick Clegg said in last year’s disappointing election debates.

There's a girl called Angelique (but we can call her 'Angiie') and is from Essex. She has that grating, stereotypical voice, but credit where credit is due; she has the intelligence, willingness to do anything in a fun way, and will do anything to get her voice heard. If I had to pick a favourite, it'd be her. There are a couple of other ‘students’ who could have easily all been grown from the same foetus. I find it hard to distinguish between them, and they all spend an equal amount of time complaining about how hard done by they are. I can't really remember or name any others because they just blend into the background. Mind you, there's one that always sticks out for me, and that's Jamal, who I find looks like Prince and prances around like a young Louie Spence who's be told to 'try and act like a straight man?'

This pointless campaign belongs to Jamie Oliver, and he seems to be more of an arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerp than the arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerps masquerading as students who have been failed, rather than students who have failed. He is possibly one of the most hypocritical people you can find on TV (Ahead of him on that list are Nick Clegg and David Cameron). He walks around the 'school' constantly reassuring these teenagers that they are intelligent people brimming with humour, loveliness and potential and are overlooked by the schools who are only interested in getting averages than education. Then, he does pieces to camera and he talks to the expert teachers, constantly referring to the teenagers as 'feral'. He also continues to tell the selection of 'feral' children that he respects them. Call me old fashioned, but I always thought of respect as something to be earned. Now, the only things I can think they have done to earn his respect are to turn up to at the school and allow themselves to be filmed. He comes across as a two-faced profanity, and incidentally, he has a large tongue in both his faces. Jamie Oliver must have a foul-smelling, brown nose. Is he isn't rimming the students; he's licking the bowels of the experts he has got in to teach these 'feral' teenagers.

He even sits like an arrogant, disruptive, idiotic twerp...

Let us take David Starkey as a prime example. Regular viewers of Question Time will know that when he appears on the panel, you can expect heated debates in which his immense brain power makes even the best MP's look like tatty teddy bears with their stuffing pouring out of a seam between their legs. If he has an opinion, he will voice it, and he will stand his ground. So, 18 year old Connor was never going to be a match for him. Starkey made a comment about him being fat (and let's be honest, he is a bit) by saying "You're so fat, you can barely move". Connor responded "I guarantee you I can move faster than you old man. Look at your glasses man" and later added "You’re about 4ft tall. Have you always been that tall?" This resulted in everyone being a bit pissy at Starkey, and Starkey as a result having a bit of a diva attack.

Starkey refused to return to the show and real-life headmaster wanted him disciplined. A fair comment, but you can't discipline the teachers and not the students. That's sending them the wrong message. This 'Dream School' clearly has no ethos whatsoever. Anyway, Jamie was running between all the parties, telling them exactly what they wanted them to hear. How he can taste his food with the amount of shit he has up his nose as a result, is totally beyond me. However, Jamie and his two-faces work, and everyone shakes hands, makes up and Starkey even ended up called Connor 'sweet'. Aww.

Connor just before he blew...

This is possibly one of the most predictable shows on TV. We should know by now that Channel 4 does not make shows for an education purpose or to raise awareness for something. Anything and everything that they do is for entertainment. Bearing that in mind, it was obvious that these children would spend their entire time in front of a camera, playing up to it. They argue and shout. They drink and text. They ignore and chatter. They annoy and emotionally cripple a nation. It certainly is an interesting show, but it isn't doing anything for raising awareness of our education system. It does the complete opposite. I mean, I'm the same age as these teenagers, and the education system hasn't failed me. I'm pretty intelligent, and I was an average student who got no special treatment.

I somehow manage to throw together this blog. Not bad for someone with an English Education. Where's my respect Jamie!?

Thou Shall Not Share Thy Opinion

You have an opinion that you would like to express do you? Well, let us make some checks... Is it remotely racist? Can it be construed as sexist? Are you mocking religion? What about being homophobic? Could it be gingerist? How about insulting fat people or discriminating the disabled? Are you Fascist or Ageist? Is what you are saying stereotyping a group within society, like Gypsy's or Dwarfs or is it a joke about class? Are you promoting genocide or heightism? Does this comment hate on young people? Are you pointing fun at Goths etc? Could this be you thinking you're satirising politics? Is it judging people with a certain taste of music? Are you generalising people with certain jobs like estate agents or lawyers? Do you want to share findings which you have spent years researching and have conclusive proof for what you want to say? Are you just pointing out the bleeding obvious?

If it is any of the above, then I would keep quiet if I were you. I mean, we don't want to start a worldwide scandal here. Mind you, if you really have no choice and you have to express your opinion, then take the following advice: Stand your ground. Or, failing that, run away as soon as someone slightly disagrees with your opinion and apologise until you have completely worn away all twenty eight of your teeth and then resign from your job, no matter what it is. You're an I.T. Technician whole commented on a ginger person standing in the queue in front of you to your friend the next day? Resign! You’re an old lady who said to a tall black man “You’re very tall dear, aren’t you; and surprisingly nice...”? Well run away before he gets offended dammit! How dare you people try and carry out the basic human right of Freedom of Speech. You disgust me! Moving your tongue about like a free spirit; you Hippie! Oh no, now I've done it. I'll have to get a job and resign straight away to prove how deeply sorry I am for any offence I may caused to anyone, ever!

Shall we take a break from the sarcasm and calm down now?

In case you are yet to notice, this blog is trying to make sense of this new trend we have of complaining about someone's opinion and thus taking a metaphorical sledge hammer to Freedom of Speech after being deeply offended by something we heard someone might have said.

In recent weeks, television personalities have been at the front of this worldwide misunderstanding. The BBC had to apologise to China after an innocent joke, made on Qi a little while back, was completely misunderstood by the entire nation and taken as slanderous racism. The little bloke on Top Gear forced the BBC to apologise to Mexico after he called them all lazy and flatulent. Maybe he took it slightly too far in the end, but it was merely exaggerating on a stereotype, which doesn't translate well in other countries. The latter scandal infuriated everyone who didn't particularly care. Steve Coogan is one, as he ranted to The Daily Express about the trio’s casual racism and calling them bullies. Yes, you see, sharing your opinion is no longer considered to be decent honesty; it is now called 'bullying'.

Take another recent example: the sexism scandal of Sky Sport pundits, which resulted in Andy Gray being sacked and Richard Keys resigning. The entire thing was due to them merely expressing the opinion that a female football official would not be able to under the Off-Side Rule. It isn't even as if they said it publically on TV; the pair was just recorded off air saying it. Now, how many blokes do you think sat in pubs watching the game and said exactly the same thing? I wouldn't like to guess how many. I don't think that was a comment to be taken as gospel; I think it was just part of a blokey shenanigan. Mind you, Andy Gray did lose his case when it was revealed he asked a female to help 'tuck him in', but even that was just a bit of banter, and it was off air.

We are nearing a time when you might as well be sacked for thinking. This must be a scary time if you are one of those lunatics that constantly wears a tinfoil hat for fear that the CIA are reading your mind. If even a slightly racist thought crossed their brain waves for more than a nanosecond, they would constantly fear the risk of being prosecuted. Many times I have had the thought to kill people. Could I therefore be charged for Intention to kill or commit GBH? If I had a barely racist thought, that doesn't mean I'm going to don the KKK's white cape and start chasing black people does it!? The world needs to get a grasp of how ridiculous it is becoming in an attempt to remain politically correct at all times.

Twitter is making this even worse as well. Over a year ago, a man called Paul Chambers tweeted "FUCK! Robin Hood airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!" That is very unlikely to have been a real threat. I mean, you don't see al-Qaeda making threats on social networking sites. That would ruin the point of them. This was clearly an attempt at humour by the accountant, albeit slightly ill-conceived. This man has been charged of 'sending a menacing electronic communication'. Utter ridiculousness!

Paul Chambers, the bastard who tried to have a sense of humour!

I'm currently a bit peeved at the NHS and how I have been untreated with my dental pain the past few months because of bureaucratic slowness, so if I should tweet: "FUCK! Kent and Canterbury Hospital are irritatingly slow. They have one week to get me an appointment or I'm blowing the hospital sky high!"* am I going to be prosecuted? I probably won't because there is no real menace behind it, and if I know that and you know that, then where is the threat? It's the same thing.

Another example of this is a Conservative councillor being arrested for comments he made on Twitter about a Journalist, saying she should 'be stoned to death'. This has led to the man losing his job as councillor. I think it is a scary thought that normal people can be convicted through comments made on social networking sites. The amount of times I've called Piers Morgan a cunt, or continuously ranted about Jade Goody and applauding her eventual death. I tweeted the other day that I wanted to punch a small child in the face because my toothache was getting unbearable; am I now at risk of being arrested? Well, I hope not. I tweeted a long time ago that I drove through a set of red lights (accidentally, I'm not a dickhead). I didn't get contacted by the DVLA, but why is that any different? That is an actual crime that I committed; not an empty threat about blowing an airport up.

Twitter is also the centre of other scandals, such as comedians pointing out the bleeding obvious to Keith Chegwin. A comedian pointed out to the ageing unfunny man that a lot of the jokes he tweeted were not actually his, and were in fact material by current comedians working the circuit, and he claiming it as his own material. Other comedians then backed up the claims which 'Cheggers' refused to admit to, and carried on tweeting the jokes of people like Milton Jones. It has resulted in a continuous debate on Twitter with many slanderous comments being passed about. All this just because someone noticed that Chegwin tweeted jokes of other people; and it was painfully obvious. It was a friendly comment which ensued into electronic carnage with various top Tweeters abandoning the social networking site.

I mean, both sides of the debate have fair points. Jokes are a comedian’s livelihood. You don't steal famous artworks and claim them as your own handiwork. However, can someone actually claim ownership of a joke? Someone put the words in the right order to cause laughter, but can they actually own it? That's the beauty of jokes; you can share them with the world, and they get passed around and changed.

We just live in silly times where people are easily offended. I don't know the Offside Rule in Football particularly well, but accuse me of not knowing it; I'm not going to get offended. You can call me overweight if you want, I'm not going to get offended. You can make fun of my race and nationality; I'm not going to get offended. You can call me ginger if you want, I won't get offended (Mind you, I'm not ginger, so I'd just be confused...). So the list could carry on. It's an opinion, not fact. You see, the fact seems to be that you have the freedom of speech, but just don't be moronic enough to actually practice your rights.

That is what happens when you let people read The Daily Mail. Their journalists and columnist regularly flex their outrage muscles and think up slanderous opinions about anyone and anything, link it up to some comment about immigration, and BAM! That person's opinion has been turned into fact just because Daily Mail readers are gullible enough to believe anything. Tell them that Princess Diana, The Nations Princess, was actually killed by a giant Octopus brandishing the Eiffel Tower as a weapon, who then got stuck in the tunnel, and was also under the awesome power of an asylum seeker with a vengeance, they'd probably believe you. The Daily Mail has ruined England, and is the source of a virus that is spreading worldwide, which allows people to be told when they are outraged. It's the next pandemic: Offendere Flu. How do we cure this? Well, I'm afraid morons are just going to have to be culled in their millions in a frantic bid to save the uninfected members of the Human Race.**

I have no conclusive end for this blog. I get annoyed by people being offended and big scandals being born from someone sharing their opinions with another, joking about, being misunderstood or just pointing out the bleeding obvious that everyone is also thinking. This needs to come to an end, but I don't actually see a way in which this can resolved. I think it's a scary moment to voice unappreciated opinions. Thank God no-one has heard from Jim Davidson for a while. What? He's making a comeback this year? Oh mercy!

*This is a joke. I am not going to blow up Kent and Canterbury Hospital, or any other hospital. This was an ill-conceived attempt at humour which I deeply regret and hope no-one has been inconvenienced by my comment. No malice was intended.

**This is a joke. When I said I wanted all moronic people culled, I was misquoted and I am deeply apologetic for any offence caused to the community of complete morons...

Milton Jones. You Know, Him With The Shirts On Mock The Week...

The Crazy-haired, obscure shirt-wearer, pun-machine,
that is Milton Jones!

I don't think Milton Jones really suits the surroundings of Mock The Week. The show is a bear pit where comedians race to get their joke heard, and it will sometimes involve a race to the microphone or shouting louder than someone else until they give up. However, he still seems to excel himself. He is much like a senile Grandad who sits in the corner of a room quietly, until you forget he's there. Then, all of a sudden, he says what he has just been thinking about amongst all of the shouting. Everyone stops and listens, and then everyone laughs harder than they have previously to any of the other comedian’s material. He is brilliant and fast becoming my favourite current comedian.

                                                         

Therefore, it won't come as a surprise when I say that I have now seen him perform live for the second time, in a space of under 18 months. I reviewed his first show in 'My Comedy Nights Reviewed' blog at the end of 2009, and I very much enjoyed it. Well, I obviously did otherwise I wouldn't put myself through torture of going to watch him again for a few hours...

The show at Canterbury's Gulbenkian Theatre was actually scheduled for January, but due to 'TV commitments', it got postponed by a month. Also, this date was one of two, with the first one being booked very fast. This I think is a sign of how his popularity has increased since our last meeting. However, he is still different from all other comedians I have seen live. Last time I saw him walking about outside after the show. This time, I saw him wondering around before the show. I have only seen five other comedians live, but none of them have walked through the cafe part of the theatre, to buy a sandwich. Obviously, being the English people I, my friend and everyone else in 'holding pen' are, I don't believe anyone actually acknowledged him.

Anyway, once released from the holding pen into the theatre, and after a few Queen songs played and the lights turned off, the warm-up act came out. This was Milton Jones's Grandfather; or for the more cynical amongst us, Milton Jones wearing a cap, jacket and a gurn, whilst pushing a check shopping trolley, in the guise of the aforementioned Grandfather. Yes, he was his own warm-up act.

Or rather, he was a warm-up act for his warm-up act. After Milton's 'Grandfather' left the stage, a young chap called James 'Giftshop' Acaster took to the stage. In all honesty, I am always cynical about young comedians, so I was feeling anxious about this blonde haired man who has barely stopped using Freederm. He was actually, really funny and I thought him a great addition to the night. A great raconteur who will make every audience member squirm at the amount of detail he squeezes from every story. He also had great audience interaction in which he practically sodomised another young man live on stage. Whether that was a one off or if it always happens, I don't know, but that was a moment which had the entire room laughing. If it wasn't part of his routine, it probably is now. Incidentally, you won't get the 'Giftshop' part of his name unless you see him live.

He left the stage leaving everyone still slightly giggling and the interval happened.

Then the interval ceased, people returned to their seats and on stage came Milton Jones, sporting a blue addition to his collection of fabulous shirts.

His act was obviously brilliant. It was fast paced puns continuously, with him using props such as an overhead projector, a small book and slides to help him seamlessly flit from pun to another. He was only ever slowed down by hecklers, but then when has that never been the case with top comedians? He, and indeed other members of the audience, dealt with the heckler, who was soon put back in his place. One may enquire why people insist on shouting out, when they don't intend to deal with the follow up.

If you have flicked back to my old blog, you would notice that Milton has done the same thing in his last live show, such as dressing as an old man, but it was completely different. In fact, I think Milton was fantastic and I actually never wanted him to stop telling jokes. I would have been happy to sit there for many more hours. This whole evening out only took up two hours of life, and it felt like much longer. I suppose being told a vast volume of jokes in a short amount of time seems to affect how time seems to pass.

If you can go and see him, I strongly recommend it. If you like jokes, laughter, sodomy, old people impersonations, colourful shirts and props, then Milton Jones: Lion Whisper is the comedy show for you.

P.S. I have no real idea why he named it 'Lion Whisper', apart from the fact it's a reference to one of his jokes, which you'll miss if you cough.

Stuart's Unrequited Love Song Album

Regular readers of my misanthropic writings on this blog, or just generally know me, have an idea of my general idea of 'love', and will know this is yet another blog with a cynical outlook on the basic human emotion of Love. Not a lot has changed in the area of love since my blogs last Valentine's Day. I'm still single. People around me still insist on being 'in love' and insist of sharing it with the entire world. Surely I'm not the only one that hates being sat next to people who smooch each other’s faces off?

I have nothing more to say, so this year, I'm here to support my fellow singletons in their day of need. We're the sort of people that dread 14th February. We're the sort of people who never get a Valentine's card. We're the sort of people who never get the person we want, and probably, at some point in our lives, will settle for anyone. We are the unrequited lovers.

In respect to those people, I have created my own playlist of Unrequited Love Songs. This will give people the power to celebrate Valentine's in their own way. I have put this playlist on both YouTube and Spotify, and you can listen to all twenty songs the whole way through using whichever format you like. It will only take 80 minutes up of your life, and let's be honest, if you're reading this blog on Valentine's Day, you have the time.  Below I have given a small insight into why I have picked each song. Think of it as the inlay which sits in the CD case and hardly ever gets read. Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=65C2AB4059BEBFE1

Or

On Spotify: Stuart's Valaween Unrequited Love Album

1.    Is This Love? - Whitesnake

Now, my album starts off with one of the vintage love song anthems. It's hard to find a love album which doesn't contain a Whitesnake song. 'Is This Love?' is a nice way to ease a listener into a romantic album. Everyone associates it with love, and with it being about the unrequited love for another, it also fits into the genre of this particular album of love songs rather well.

2.    Lovestruck - Madness

This is my sort of love song. It has an odd, cheery beat and rather unusual. Yes, this song may actually be about the love of a lamp post, but the general message is relevant. Listen to the lyrics. They're great. Remember, the lamp post is actually a metaphor. We're not dealing with a song about Objectum Sexuality. Anyway, I think it's a great song, and I hope you do too.

3.    Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand

Never judge a song by its title. This song is actually about the unreturned love for a girl. I really like Franz Ferdinand, so I will always like this song. Again, it doesn't have that classic love song feel to it, but it's catchy and again, listen to the lyrics and understand the message in the song. Mind you, the general gist of the song is 'You want her, but you can't have her'...

4.    Invisible Touch - Genesis

This is a return to the classic love song genre. The words 'Phil Collins' are actually synonymous with love songs. It has a powerful edge to the song, and it kind of gets in your head after a while. Again, it works in this album because of it describing the power someone can have and how they can change you. Also, I love the sounds of the 70's; as do the normal love song albums. There seems to be something about that era.

5.    What If You Knew - Gabriella Cilmi

I don't suppose you really know this song, but this is a song about the unrequited love of a best friend. I think the lyrics are actually clever and I really love this song (I don't suppose the song loves me back though). It's also the only song on the album sung by a female. Not an intended choice, just how it worked out. It has a slightly electro, catchy feel to it too and is not what you would expect from a classic love song.

6.    Boomerang - Plain White T's

This is a modern song, which takes a different outlook on love, in comparison to the old classics. This song is about how the loved might treat the other person due to being oblivious to the feelings the other feels, and also how the unrequited lover would feel as a result. It has great lyrics which I expect from Plain White T's, and is again, not the classic sound for a love album. Are you noticing a trend here?

7.    Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

This is one of my all time favourite songs, and also an unappreciated classic of the love songs. Ronan Keating covered it, so it must be a classic love song, right? It's slow, yet intense beat pierces your emotions via the ear cannel, and the lyrics are brilliantly powerful; listen to them carefully to understand the full message. Listen to it a few times and you notice more. The song also has the big key change at the end, which something else which is synonymous of a true, emotional song about love.

8.    I Found Out - Pigeon Detectives

Indie Rock; Hormonal teenagers with mixed emotions about everything. A short song, but they fit a lot in. It’s about the feeling of not being good enough for the person you love, which is classic of unrequited love, and I think it brilliant for this album as half way through it wakes you up in case you start to feel depressed.

9.    Creep - Radiohead

You're brought back down by this amazingly powerful and emotional song. This song is again completely different from the classic love song, yet has just as good of a message. The sound is intense, just like the lyrics and the singing and the subject is again about the feeling of being unworthy. Also, slightly about stalking, but that's what love it about, right?

10. Sleepless - Until June

I'm mad about this song and this band. They are unknown, yet brilliant. This is sort of a classic song about love, and is something which a majority of people will be able to relate to: Not being able to sleep because you can't stop thinking about that one person and is also about the feelings of love. I think this song has a great sound, and for me at least, evokes emotions unlike any other song.

11. Shiver - Coldplay

Being in unrequited love can be depressing, and you cannot have an album of depressing songs without including Coldplay's dull and depressing sound. This song is good for that, and this song is also good for the message conveyed: wanting to change to get what you want. I like this song though, and again you can tell the emotion in the song.

12. Look Away - Chicago

The video for this is odd, but it matches the era which it comes from. Chicago are another classic rock band which are known for their big love ballads. This song covers the thought of the one you love (in this case, an ex) having another lover, and the intense feelings which this makes the unloved person feel, and forced to cover them up. Also, it has that classic key change towards the end.

13. Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon

Another of the classic love songs on this album, and it might also make you want to buy yoghurt after a recent advertising campaign. The message is one classic of unrequited love, and feeling closer to that one person, who doesn't feel the same for you and also covers the mental turmoil caused to you. It's also filled with many metaphors, such as candles and ships.

14. Over And Out - Newton Faulkner

I don't particularly like him, and I think he has chosen an awful piano sound for the verses, but the power of the chorus and the general lyrics of the song are what make me like this song and made me put it in. Also, in the video, he hasn't quite figured the complexities of creating a hologram, but maybe I'm being too critical. Just listen to the lyrics of the song, enjoy them and relate to them. Overall, it's good.

15. My Never - Blue October

This, and the following few songs, are slow and depressing, so get over it. This song has some beautiful lyrics I think, and the emotion is just flowing out of the singers’ voice. There isn't a lot to say about it, just listen to it and let the lyrics and the sounds of the song consume you.

16. If You're Not The One - Daniel Beddingfield

I was in two minds about including this song. I mean, it's far too obvious and overused in these scenarios, but I've not actually heard it for a while, and I don't expect you have either, so here it is. You all know the message of this unrequited love song (I think it's rather sweet though), so just listen to it. If it's too 'popish' for you, then skip it.

17. You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Another edition to the 'obvious', 'classic' and 'overused' categories, but I think it's actually a rather good song. I'm not one of these people that get annoyed by his voice. Again, you know it, so there's no point me blabbering on, but it fits the message brilliantly with the lyrics '... But I'll never be with you'. Mind you, he does sound slightly like a stalker in the song.

18. Gotten - Slash featuring Adam Levine

This is another one of my very favourite tracks. You can interpret this song in many different ways, but I think it to be about the unrequited love for another and how the thoughts of them being with another mentally hurt you. A great song what with it having brilliant lyrics, a great guitarist and one of my favourite singers (FYI: He's from Maroon 5).

19. Congratulations - Blue October

Yes, another song by them. They must go through a lot of emotional turmoil. Anyway, this is another fantastic song which is really thought provoking and beautiful in its sound and meaning. This is a song about wanting to tell the person you love how you feel, but finding out it's too late. Again, just sit back, listen to the song, and let it touch your soul. Too cheesy?

20. I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For All The Crap In This Song - Sparks

Not strictly a song about the unrequited love for another, but it is an uplifting song which will wash you of the emotions you may have felt for the previous nineteen tracks. I think this is actually a song which should appear on every love song, and with it actually satirising boybands and their love songs, it works. A lot of people don't quite get them. Yes, they're weird and one of the blokes has moustache and yes, their dancing is a lot to be desired, but give them a chance to captivate you.

I really hope you have/you will enjoy my selection of songs of the Unrequited Love genre. I hope you feel fine, and get through Valentine's Day without using too many tissues (Your imagination can decide what you do with the said tissues...).

I hope you got a Valentine's Card and that you soon find love. If not, I’ll see you again next Valentine’s Day for another cynical blog.