First It Was Ash Friday, Now It's Ash April

The first few weeks of April remained pretty quiet. We had Easter, and people ate lots of eggs, before complaining that they had eaten lots of eggs. I think Easter is actually a very intriguing part of the year. I think that Easter is actually a more important, momentous and a generally better religious holiday - beating Christmas. Easter doesn't change days every year to confuse people; it stays in the same place every year. Okay, it is the same Sunday of every year, and occasionally it finds its way into March, but still. It is a more relaxing holiday, without people spending a month prior to the event, worrying.

I prefer Easter I think, whereas years ago I preferred Christmas. Maybe this is because I have become less superficial, or possibly because I like Chocolate. It isn't either of those reasons. I now prefer Easter as the weather is nicer and it just is generally a more relaxed holiday. You still find shops open on Christmas day. If you are lonesome at Christmas, you can walk around Tescos and do your shopping with all the other lonely sods yearning for human contact. Easter day, you can't (as far as I am aware anyway). You have to spend the day with family and friends without the option of going clothes shopping. However, you could always stay at home and sit at the laptop all day while eating the occasional bit of chocolate as I did.

April was also a sad month for me. The band Supergrass announced they would be splitting up. A band not many people have heard of these days, but you can guarantee that most people have heard a few of their songs. 'Alright' and 'Grace' are favourites for advertisers and television producers wanting a happy and cheery song to match their images.

Anyway, really those three paragraphs are just a waste of binary because neither Easter nor Supergrass breaking up were important events of April. I think we can conclusively say that Iceland and their impossibly pronounced Volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, shutting down the world was a reasonably big event for April. For a very small island, they are an angry bunch of people. First during the recession they effectively stole a lot of Britain's money and refused to give it back. Now, they try to not only shut down our country, but the whole of Europe, and the USA for a bit.

I done Geography at school, but I still do not know a great deal about Volcano's. Infact, I am very ignorant towards them, but of course here in Britain we don't get affected by Volcano's. Our country being shut down by a Volcano then is quite an unusual and a history-making event. 2010 clearly is the year in which the UK is not meant to travel. We go the first three months with snow constantly being in the news about it stopping people from travelling anywhere using pretty much any mode of transport. Then April has a cloud of ash coming from another country which stops us from travelling by plane. Maybe this is all just a lead up to 2012 when the planes fall from the sky, the boats sink and all the trains and cars are uncontrollable and all crash. Or maybe it is just coincidence.

Hundreds of thousands of people were stranded abroad and the radio was full of people phoning up to tell them their tale in the hope that someone might phone up and go "Yeah, I’ll go and pick your family up from Spain for you. Wouldn't want them to miss your daughter’s wedding would we and you're obviously so selfish you refuse to do it yourself." It is times like this where people’s true personalities shine through. Some were stupid and lazy enough to sleep at the airport for a week - just incase they were lucky enough to get a flight. Some caught buses and trains to get to airports which would take them closer to home where they could catch a train back to Ashford and go home from there. These were the determined, clever and rich people.

Then there were those that were damn right kind. While sitting at home doing my work, I heard many stories of people driving half way across the world just pick their loved ones up to go back home. There were also stories of people giving complete strangers a life home in their cars. There were other stories of people who had a few days off work, offering to go and pick people up. These are the heart warming stories of David Cameron's 'Broken Britain'. What did the Government do? Nothing for a few days, before they sent some war ships across the world to pick people up. These are the scenes I expect to see when War Of The Worlds come true, with the soundtrack playing all the time through some speakers.

The cloud sat over Britain for much of the week (insert depressing metaphor about clouds and a gloomy feeling here).  However, it was still a very sunny and hot week, and I found this slightly odd. I'm being told that about 4 miles up in the sky is a gigantic ash cloud, and all I can see is a blue sky, a sun and no planes. It made for an unusual sky. Another thing which I am sure the ash cloud changed, but no-one else can answer me, is the moon. During the period of 'The Cloud' the full moon had a distinctive red, ominous, shaded glow around it. I only speculate that this was caused by the cloud, but I would love it if someone who knows the answer could tell me...

Anyway, Iceland has cost us a lot of money. Firstly, the money lost in their banks during the recession when they collapsed and secondly all the palaver from 'The Cloud'. All that money wasted by passengers trying to get home or having to pay for accommodation. The money spent by airlines and holiday companies trying to get people home. Then of course the most painful for our economy, the money lost through no flights. I think the costs were in the edge of a billion, but I can't be bothered to research, and like proper journalists, I just write what I've heard. There was one company that profited from this, and it was RyanAir. It was revealed that it was cheaper for them to cancel all flights and refund their customers than it was to pay wages and for fuel. What an odd company...

Then there was all this hoo-ha about insurance. Were they going to pay or not? It is depended on whether it was an act of God or not. How do you decipher whether events which caused a lot, and will continue to, cause a lot of mayhem and chaos is an act of a religious creation? It certainly is an odd system which we have here. We have a country full of cynics and atheists, yet blaming an idea created by a religion means they do not have to pay out. As you can gather - I'm not religious and I don't care much for Iceland either. What can I say, I don't care about religion and I prefer Tesco's. I know everyone's made supermarket jokes about all this, but I hadn't, so I'm happy now.

As seems to always be the way in my blogs at the moment, I turn to Facebook. There have been numerous groups created, making light of another event in media. Some make jokes like my previous one: 'Volcano's in Iceland. What's Next, Earthquakes In ASDA?' Others were actually funny, like the one I joined: 'Whos laughing at Peter Griffins Volcano Insurance now?' which actually relates to the current situation and to Family Guy. People making Facebook groups should learn. Actually, people should stop making Facebook groups all together. It's campaigning for lazy people. Anyway, off topic.

Speaking of Volcano's, I have 'erupted' into Chicken Pox; thus why this blog is over a week late. Sorry about that; was not intentional. However, just a quick plug for those who care about me and want to know how I've been getting on (and I would not blame you if you did not want to - it is not exactly the most thrilling thing in your life), you can read my Chicken Pox blog here: http://chickenpoxat17.blogspot.com/

I hope you are not too fat from Easter, upset about Supergrass or stranded now or later by Eyjafjallajokull. 

10 Reasons Why Life In Britain Is Depressing (Reasons 5-1)

Now we find ourselves at my final 5 reasons as to why life in Britain is so depressing. To recap, we had Simpson Repeats, Dependency of Technology, Complaining, Entertainment and the young people’s version of 'love'. Yes, these are not very typically depressing subjects and they do not have a big effect in Britain's level of depression. That is why they were lower down the list. These next and final five are bad. They will have you sitting at your computer screen making your blood boil at the realisation that these things are terrible and happen far too often in our culture; or at the very list, make me more of a cynic. Either way...

5. Get Off Facebook
The whole world seems to spend far too much time on Facebook, especially on Facebook. Everything has to be Facebooked. You have to share your current activity or thought with your friends. You have to create group so you can share your values and ideals with other people worldwide. Share pictures from the night before, and then moan when everyone sees them. Even relationships only become properly official when Facebook says so. People live in houses which have gardens covered in weeds because they spend too much time on Farmville growing Strawberries and the real dog goes unfed because the virtual one needs feeding. It seems that Facebook has ruined and taken over our lives. I am guilty of this too, but I'm not happy about it.
Living a country in which no-one goes outside and spends their life talking to 'friends' on Facebook can have its advantages with it meaning that all the people no-one likes have something to do. My Facebook gets rarely updated and I spend very little time on it now these days, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I feel sorry for all the people of our country that are addicted to Facebook for getting no sunlight. However, I envy the homeless guy in the underpass that has not got a Facebook page, he has not got to worry about the mundane things like us more fortunate people have to, like what to update our status to. Anyway, please British Facebooker’s go out and get a drink with some real friends and help stop the recession instead of paying AOL £15 a month to sit on Facebook.

4. Our Life Being Controlled By Machines
Self Checkout Machines. These were sold to us an easier and quicker way for paying for our shopping. What a lie that turned out to be. You scan your shopping yourself. Sounds simple enough. You have numerous attempts at scanning a pint of milk before it finally realises you are trying to scan something. You have to make sure you put it in exactly the right place in the bagging area otherwise it'll moan at you. Inevitably something will not work properly, then it starts shouting for assistance like a rape alarm made by Steven Hawking. You find that the amount of staff used to attend all the cries for help by these robots would be the same number needed to run the equivalent number of proper checkouts. Then you have to pay. If you pay by card, they're nice to you. Should you pay with cash/coins, then you are in big trouble. The machines will never accept it on your first or second attempt. You'll be lucky if it accepts the money on the third, but more likely on the fourth go. You then have to stand there for a minute while the machine seems to count the change out. QUICKER? You're having a joke are you not?
Then you have those parking machines. Rarely a simple thing, and yet another machine which tries to ruin my life and makes my blood boil. I've been driving not even two months and numerous times I have just stood and shouted at the machine. First it won't accept the coins. Then it swallows the coins and you lose them. Then it spits them out at you just as you start putting more money in. All this for a couple of hours parking. I won't even get started at the price. We moan about unemployment, so why could we not employ people. Sure, they'll probably just get moody and we would still moan, but at least it would be more efficient - however, probably more expensive as the case is. I think the next Government should start the abolishment of machines and go back to using people. Hint Hint...

3. Grasp Of The English Language
A well-known pet hate of mine is people using text speak and slang. I don't understand why it is used. It takes me longer to work out what half the abbreviations mean than it would take to type the actual words. Slang, I can live with, as that is just our language evolving to become a more bastardised form. Text speak is just pointless. Since when has 'yoo' been easier than typing 'you'? Is there much effort to move your finger a few centimetres left? 'KK' is shorter of 'OK'. Again, since when has it been so hard to move your finger a centimetre higher? Then the worst of the lot - 'Iz'. Why are people trying to shorten short words? It just makes no sense. Text speak is purely just the language of the stupid and lazy.
Then you have words that have changed meaning over time. 'Epic' is a new favourite commonly used. A word that once meant heroic or impressively great now seems to be 'epically' overused to mean absolutely anything. You can have an 'epic fail', maybe an 'epic win' or just possibly an 'epic haircut'. The word 'Epic' has now been bastardised. Like I said in the previous blog, Love also has changed meanings with it now meaning to just be infatuated with another person mostly. Then you have new words. The new word which bugs me the most is 'lol'. I have got used to it being used on the Internet, and that no longer bugs me. What bugs me is people saying 'lol' in real every day-to-day life. I miss the days when people used to laugh. Anywho, maybe you lot should start writing and talking properly.

2. 'Celebrities'
It no secret. I hate 'Celebrities'. I hate Katie Price. I hated Jade Goody (and still technically do). I hate Piers Morgan. I hate Miley Cyrus. I hate Peter Andre. I hate Lindsey Lohan. I hate Gerard Butler. I hate Britney Spears. I hate Jack Tweed. I hate Zac Efron. I hate Paris Hilton. I hate John Terry. I hate Cheryl Cole. I hate Alex Reid. I hate Chris Brown. I hate Kerry Katona. I hate 'Jedward'. I hate Russel Brand. I hate Fearne Cotton. I hate Christiano Ronaldo. I hate Susan Boyle. I hate Heather Mills. I hate Kanye West. I hate Geri Halliwell. I hate Peaches Geldoff. I hate Vanessa Hugdens. I hate Myleene Klass. I hate David Van Day. I hate Esther Rantzen. I hate Vernon Kay. I hate Gordon Ramsey. I hate Alexandra Burke. I hate Amy Winehouse. I hate Judy Finnigan. I hate both Liam and Noel Gallagher. I hate Kate Moss. I hate Jack Osbourne.
I hate a lot of celebrities. Infact, it probably would have been easier to just say I hate all celebrities and save the hassle of writing that long list. Anywho, shall I tell you whose fault it is we have to hear about them all the day? Yours! You keep buying these gossip magazines that fuel celebrity culture and all the people mentioned in the above list. These people that buy the magazines are also the ones that moan about constantly hearing about Katie Price's new marriage. Well, if you don't care, don't buy the magazine that pays her to tell you about it. It's like people moaning about Child Labour in poor countries - while wearing their brand new shoes, made in a poor country by a child. Members of the public (well, not you all, but a majority of you), could you please stop buying these magazines!

Which leads me on nicely to Number One...

1. The Media
Have you watched ITV News since they renovated themselves a few months ago? It is essentially The Sun being read out with moving pictures. The young journalists always seem to be too excited when they have been sent out with a Microphone and a Camera. Using younger presenters, instead of the experienced ones, appeals to the younger audience, ideally, people of a similar age to me. It was all part of a plan to get young people interested in the news. If anything, it has put me off the news. I don't watch Sky News for the same reason. I now only watch BBC news. Is it because they are the best? No, it is because I want the news told to me by experienced journalists, not young ones who have more spots than I do. This depresses me that they have to have a target audience. It is the news. Just read the news out properly, and people who are interested will find it and watch it.
The newspapers as always are keen to jump on any tiny, insignificant story and blow it way out of proportion or just completely change the story to make it more glamorised. An example of this in a local paper recently was it telling its readers that 'An old man was involved in a vehicle accident with a lorry and was seriously injured'. The real story was actually 'An old woman lost control of her car after getting a puncture, but only received minor injuries'. Stories like these can be found in every newspaper across the country. The famous story which was blown completely out of proportion by the newspapers is the Ross/Brand fiasco. Not many people complained initially. Then, the papers took it out of proportion and context, and then thousands of people complained, despite only reading about. The same could be said for Tiger Woods affairs towards the end of last year. The newspapers were not content on just saying that he had an affair, but they had to find the woman and interview her. Then, report on every other affair that was revealed. Why should we care about a man’s private life? Because the media tell us we should.
Another pet hate of mine in the media, which has the main objective of shaming and depressing Britain as a nation, is coming up with percentages and averages which compare us to other countries in negative things such as teenage pregnancy, unemployment or gang violence. It seems to be reported on a weekly bases that Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates. I see no reason for them to need to do this. You cannot stop teenagers having sex, so why keep telling us we have the horniest teenagers in the world. I never see the point in comparing us to other countries. If anything, you're just convincing more people to migrate to other countries.
The media always seems intent on comparing celebrities as well. Complaining when they look slightly fat: 'Is that very tiny bulge over her bikini bottoms? It is! Zoom in as far as you can, put it in Photoshop and add some stretch marks, and then put it in this week’s Hello magazine.' I do not quite see how pointing out everyone's small and highly unimportant flaws to the world is classed as entertainment. However, when the same celebrity is seen a few weeks later with a slightly smaller bulge over her bikini bottoms, the media might as well start shouting the accusations of a diet or plastic surgery from a very tall building in London with a megaphone, without any evidence of course. The hypercritical journalists found in the media are very annoying and after a while of reading these stories, just gets tiring and boring.
I have chosen the media as my preferred sector to have a career in. Why, I am not quite sure, seeing as it annoys me the most. I'm not going into the business to try and change it, because that will never happen. The fact that I have chosen a profession which annoys me, just proves that I love to moan, and also highly depresses me; thus why it is found at the number one spot.

There you have it, the top ten reasons why life on this Island which people call 'Britain' is depressing. There will be people who disagree with my ratings, and there will be those who will completely agree and congratulate me in summarising British life into two blogs. However, a majority of those people will never read this blog, but people who do read this. Please give me your thoughts.

I have decided that in years time, when I have spent far too long living in Britain and I have begun to lose my marbles as a result of Britain angering me so much, I'm going to get a welcome bath mat, just to keep me guessing.

Seeing as people seem to fail to find the first half; here are Reasons 10 - 5.