The Blog Of Stuart: The Snow-Pocalypse

Snow? That white stuff that falls from the sky and lands on the ground so we can build snowmen and throw snowballs. Last week? Country grinding to a halt? Roads not being gritted? People crashing their cars as a result of the snow? Thousands of schools being cancelled? People being stuck in their homes? A shortage of food in some areas? Over a foot of the stuff? Nope, no-one told me about. You would have thought a thing like that would at least be mentioned on the news.

I'm only yanking your chain and 'having you on'. Of course I remember the snow. How could I not? My retina's are still burnt after the light glaring off it blinded me everytime I walked past the window. I still walk out the door and see mounds of the stuff on fields and by the roads where men dressed in scarves and hats once stood proudly. Down in Kent we had almost a foot of the white stuff and for an entire week people moaned endlessly about it.

I'm blaming the snow for me failing my driving test. Technically it didn't affect me at all, but I feel left out not having something to moan about. I missed one day of school as a result of the snow, which wasn't that bad considering how bad the news made it sound. If I sat and watched the news I would be Agoraphobic by now. You would think there were viscous polar bears wondering the streets and lurking around every corner was an angry penguin holding a deadly bomb which would destroy the Earth. It was snow, not the apocalypse. I think it is pretty amazing how a beautiful white landscape can strike such fear into people. Do you think people who live in places like Switzerland look out the window every morning clutching a cross praying for their lives to be spared? No - they live with it.

Nick Griffin must have cried with delight when he opened his curtains on the morning of the initial snowfall to realise his dream of a white Britain had finally come true. He must have felt the same excitement of every eight year old child. If I was eight and saw that there was an entire foot of snow outside, chances are I would be frothing at the mouth after collapsing to ground at the single thought of all the wonderful things I could do in the snow. I could build an Igloo, maybe a giant snowman which would come to life or make snow angles. I could make the worlds the largest snowball and throw it at my mate so he was paralysed for the rest of his life. Oh, that would be sooo cool. Of course I'm not eight though. I'm seventeen with exams to pass and a life to continue to try and live. My first thought upon seeing the weather man forecast snow was "Well that's going to be a bugger isn't it."
It has become the coldest winter on record for 30 years with more snow expected in the next few days. A few years ago I would love this fact and praying every night that it does snow. It's just a palaver now I'm mature; which is kind of depressing really. Didn't get much snow when I was young enough to enjoy it, and now, if anything, I don't want it to snow. Sure, it is pretty and has given me plenty of perfect images to add to my photography coursework, but still it doesn't feel me excitement.

Our nation becomes so obsessed with snow when it does finally come. I counted the word 'snow' being said 54 times in one half hour news show. Now, that is just a ridiculous amount of times. Every ten minutes the man on the news or the radio would be warning us not to travel unless it was strictly necessary. However, news teams across the country rushed out into the snow to make a live link to prove it is actually snowing outside of London. Up north, they got so desperate for news that the local news station actually went to a village which had no snow. Every news station had images and videos of people slipping and face-planting the pathment. They had footage of cars struggling to drive up a steep hill and having to reverse down. Images of hundreds of cars parked up by the side of the road where people had given up. It the news images looked like a scene from BBC One's Survivor's, or maybe one of the Doctor Who episodes where the Master comes along and something awful happens to man-kind; just before The Doctor comes on to save us once again. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, but that's how extreme it looked.
The news was quick to report that a policeman went sledging down a hill with his riot shield. Now I personally think that is very inventive and indeed that man should go on the next series of Dragons Den. Instead, he and his fellow police officers who joined him got reprimanded. This is how our nation got the reputation of being boring, strict people. It was only a bit of fun.
Then on every news show, there was a poor reporter standing at some Gritting Depot to say that they're working through the night to grit the roads and there were 'Dwindling supplies'. In fairness, there isn't a great deal of fun to be had from Gritting Depot's. No-one cares about them during the summer, so just because it's snowing slightly outside, these people become our saviours and when they can't grit one small, unused street, we tell them they're useless. How unappreciative are we as a nation?
Then we constantly moan at the weather forecasters who keep predicting the weather 6 months in advance incorrectly. To be honest, that has got to be one of the worst things to try and predict. Why do we want to know what the weather is going to be in six months time anyway? People lived perfectly fine 20 years ago before we could it. It seems like a waste of time to me really. This is effectively trying to predict the future, and fortune tellers have a reputation for not being accurate. However, they do try and again, we show no appreciation for them trying. The same as we show no appreciation for the postman that still delivers the post in his shorts. If Rugby players think they're men, then they should try getting up at 5 in the morning in the snow to deliver bills.

Everytime it snows as well, people moan about how our country pathetically grounds to halt when it snows because we see how America cope with much more snow than us, and places like Switzerland cope with it all the time. The idea of their airports closing, trains breaking down and people taking the day of work seems ridiculous to them. Kids still manage to go to school despite the fact they've had to tie tennis rackets to their feet. It is ridiculous in comparison to them, but how often do we get snow like this. Not very often, and if Global Warming isn't a myth (which I believe it is to a certain respect) then we won't have to deal with snow for much longer anyway. I reckon we should just stop moaning and enjoy the snow when it comes. Stop being such boring people Britain and embrace the next round of apocalyptic snow.

I did see two brilliant things during the snow however. They both prove how rude and immature we can be when given the chance. The first was a giant erect penis which had been constructed in someone's front garden. Not only that, but disturbingly they went to a great deal of effort to make it look realistic, let's put it that way. The other was a snowman with a carrot and two lumps of coal like most traditional snowmen. However, these were not in the traditional place, and where infact put in a position to resemble a certain part of a man's lower anatomy. Such humour our nation when it snow, but as soon as it melts, everyone goes back to their BMW's, a suit and a briefcase to continue life as a mature adult.