January In The News

January is all but gone now, the first month of the decade and it has been quite a busy one for the news to catch up with. First there was the ordeal of Jonathan Ross leaving the BBC in June, Jordan having a few of her ex partners locked in a house for a few weeks, an Earthquake in a country which not many people can point out on a map of the world, Cadbury's becoming American, one of the worst ever shows starting: Take Me Out, and of course the most recent, the announcement of the Apple iPad. Here comes another long blog.

Remember when it snowed a few weeks ago? Well do you remember when news programs had trouble squeezing in the shocking news that Jonathan Ross was quitting the BBC? This is the man who they moaned had a salary which was higher than his worth and was a 'waste of license payer’s money'. However, now he going the media loves again. They had forgotten that 15 months ago they had him suspended for his apparently 'shocking' and 'offending' comments him and Russel Brand left on Andrew Sach's answer machine. Who would have guessed the media was so hypocritical?

Anyway, now the main talk is about who will be replacing him on his Friday Night slot? I personally think that the BBC will replace him with him Katie Price. She, like Ross, can talk for ages about any old piece of rubbish and I bet she's cheaper. They would have to change the name to 'Any Night With Katie Price' however. Speculation was that Graham Norton would replace him, but of course 'Four Poufs and a Piano' would have leave. The BBC doesn’t want to turn Friday nights into 'Gay Night'; there is a limit to how much lubricant the BBC can buy...

Anyway, that’s enough with the jokes that would make Jan Moir proud, and onwards to the more serious topic of the Haiti earthquake. Nearly two weeks ago it happened and it is still getting media coverage. Usually journalists tend to get tired of stories like these after a while so they stop reporting about them and pretend they never happened. The Earthquake has killed hundreds of thousands of people, and the death toll keeps rising, but still there are heart-warming stories of people being found alive under giants heaps of rubble. It is quite amazing really.
You may have noticed that I've all-of-a-sudden turned serious, but of course there are not many jokes to be made from a tragic event such as this. However, there is one. Simon Cowell (or God as he prefers close friends and relatives to call him) has created not only a single, but an album of songs dedicated to saving Haiti, which includes many famous stars singing with all the profits of course going to the devastated country. Haiti better appreciate all the crap we have to listen to for them.

Celebrity Big Brother started and ended this month. Again, like most years, I've watched not one minute of the program and yet I know so much thanks to friends talking about it in my presence and reading the newspapers and listening to the radio. Vinnie Jones was the favourite to win for a majority of the series as he claimed to be the only one in the house who had a normal, down-to-earth lifestyle. This was said without any irony apparently as only a few hours later he said 'Aren't house keepers and pool cleaners expensive?'. Yeah, good way to represent the common folk.
It turned out he didn't win but instead Katie Price’s ex. You know the one she dated after her and Pete split up. He's the one that is 'famous' for cross dressing. That's right, Alex Reid. He really does not deserve the title as a celebrity just because he had relations with Katie Price, I mean if every single man she'd dated was a celebrity the newspapers would be enormous.
They wouldn't be too big for the iPad though. That's right, Apple's new invention which is set to revolutionise life as we know it. I read all about it in the paper on Thursday, in which they were saying you could read newspapers, magazines and book electronically. Yeah, that is really what we need. For years I've wanted to read a newspaper without it actually being on paper and now Apple have come to the rescue. Incase you didn't notice, that was sarcasm.
It has been described as the iPhone on steroids. What people don't realise is that the man holding it is actually only a foot tall, so that makes it look a lot taller than it really is. It has been hailed as something inbetween the iPhone and the iMac, with its tablet function meaning that no longer will you have to operate a laptop with the hassle of having to press 'buttons'.
Here are some facts which you may not know about the iPad. Well, you will know them if you follow me on Twitter, but if you don't here are a few facts no-one knows.

• The Apple Tablet actually contains the antidote to save the life of Snow White after she has eaten the poisoned apple.
  
• The Apple iPad will be able to breed with other iPad's and together they will have a little iPod Shuffle which will one day grow into an iPod Classic.
  
• The iPad can kill all bacteria and viruses, including the 0.1% which even the best cleaning products can't kill. It can also clean a penny in under 10 seconds, much faster than Cilit Bang.
  
• The product can make even the prettiest girl look just like Susan Boyle, assuming you throw it hard enough at their face.

I'm sure have also heard that Cadbury's is no longer British. Bloody American's, coming over here and buying our companies. Kraft were the lucky people to get their cheesy hands onto the recipe for making our nations beloved Dairy Milk. Kraft own many other food companies with a list including Ritz biscuits, Oreo biscuits, Philadelphia cheese spread, Capri Sun drinks, Kenco Coffee, Toblerone and many more. Bet you didn't know that. Kraft own quite a lot of products which you will find somewhere in your Kitchen. Will this mean that this time next year we will be eating 'Philadelphia Chocolate Spread' and 'Chocolate covered Ritz biscuits'? Probably not, but we can dream.
Cadbury's were sold because of financial problems. This is worrying considering that a few days later the Government announced that we are officially out of the recession. What does this mean for everyone though? Not a lot, infact probably nothing. A 0.1% increase is hardly going to change anything dramatically. Interest rates will still remain low, tax will remain high and it will still be hard for the average person to get a loan.

In January a show called 'Take Me Out' was unleashed onto our screens by ITV as well. The basic format of the show is for a variety of thirty single woman who range from being stupid to damn right morons, big to small and from Twins to a woman who has no teeth. These girls stand behind a podium while a man comes down the ‘Love Elevator’ and spends 5 minutes being an ignorant twit while these 'lovelies' judge him. Essentially it is Blind Date for people aren't smart enough to think up three questions and are much more desperate for a 'quickie'.
It's an awful show, mind you; it doesn't stop me watching it. The reason for that though is probably because I'm single and therefore I am usually at home feeling sorry for myself on a Saturday evening. I would hate to go that show. The women on there are enough to make me realise that being single is a positive thing if there are people like them about. I would happily give up my life to avoid having to spend an hour in a pub in their company while trying to think up small talk. It would be my idea of hell. Awfully, addictive telly, that's what it is. The adverts should come with a health warning.

Finally, the snow. I've written a blog about the recent snow, so I'm not going to repeat myself, but two weeks after it melted and all disappeared, we're all still talking about how this winter has been the worst for thirty years. Channel Four felt the need to put an hour-long program on Saturday night (30th January) in which described snow. They explained the difference between 'sticky' and 'dry' snow. The kind we suffered a few weeks ago was the sticky stuff apparently (no jokes, please). The show then had a very inconclusive conclusion (I know, sounds confusing) in which they said it was probably caused by climate change, but don't agree it was, before going on to say that we should spend Millions of pounds on proper snow clearing equipment, but then saying we shouldn't because it would be waste of money. This made for a pointless show.

Next, it is February - the shortest month of the year. What will it bring us? They predict more snow, but I hope not. We also have Valentine’s Day (or Valeween as I am referring to it as from now on) on the 14th. Will something big happen like an apocalyptic flood? Will February be a good month or a bad one? We shall have to wait and see...