Sexy Reality

Think of a sexy uniform. If you're a man, you are stereotypically thinking of a nurse, a maid or an air hostess. If you're a woman, it might be a fireman, a mechanic or a builder. An initial analysis shows that men like women who do stuff for them, such as look after, clean or fetch drinks for them. Women like men who do dangerous jobs and get filthy doing them; maybe so they can clean them after.

However, the uniforms you are probably thinking are not the uniforms people actually wear doing that job. Chances are you're thinking of the sort of costume a strip-o-gram might wear, or what one might find at the back of Ann Summers.

In reality, nurses, maids and air hostesses don't wear dresses that only just cover their bum, so that when they bend down to pick up a needle, feather duster or napkin, they flaunt their red thong in your face like a baboon. Also in reality, firemen don't attend fires topless for very obvious reasons; they'd singe their chest hair. And chances are, if you're a woman lucky enough to have a mechanic or builder who works topless, you're unlucky enough to have a mechanic or builder who has larger breasts than you.

I'm sorry men, but nurses wear unflattering scrubs, which are designed to be fit for purpose. Then at the end of a shift, they're covered in sick and excrement, and probably have a pong to them. I don't want to degrade the work they do, but that's not in my vision of sexiness.

And I suspect you watch the Virgin Atlantic adverts, fantasising about what you'd like to do to those women. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but they're actresses. But of course, in reality their uniforms are figure-hugging. However, in my experience of living near an airport and seeing air hostesses on their way home, the figures being hugged are not flattering. You can't change the middle-aged woman in the uniform.

They probably won't look this bad though...

And women; do you really want a hot fireman squirting water out of his hose and into your bath, while you eat a yoghurt, like the Muller advert suggests? You do realise that fire engines are not fitted with immersion heaters? That water is not going to be nice, relaxing and sensual. It's going to be freezing cold. Even the hot fireman isn't going to warm it up, and you'll get pneumonia and probably die. Hmmm, sexy.

So why would anyone sign up to 'Uniform Dating'? It creates relationships which are shallow and worthless. I suspect the website is full of women wanting to bed a fireman, and men wanting to take advantage of that. Or a man wanting to pull a nurse, and nurses with self worth so low, that they'll let them. Perhaps they think they get a certificate which they can hang above the notches on their bedposts. Or perhaps they do want a serious relationship, but because they know  someone in uniform has a good salary and a secure job, and not to share a common interest.

Plus, it means arrogant men don't even have to leave the house to get women falling at their feet because they're a fireman. Probably stringing along various women at a time, so that they can sleep with desperate, foolish women every night of the week. Whatever the reason for people wanting to use that site, it makes me hate the human race slightly more.

In my opinion, if you want to subject attractive women as objects of sex who wear tight, revealing clothing, you can't do better than a waitress; and especially one who is bringing me a burger. TGI Friday's is my heaven.

So, next time you say you want a man or woman in uniform, just remember what they really look like. The person in your head is probably in the adult-entertainment industry, and not the person who might actually be saving your life, cleaning your house, serving your drinks or fixing your car.

And if you're still shallow enough to want a man or woman in uniform, please remember to wear a condom when you find someone to bed on Uniform Dating; we don't want more people like yourselves repopulating.