"People wearing coats makes it look cold"

On a May morning I was walking to the train station, girlfriend in hand, and it was a cold, windy day. Remember it was over 20 degrees a few weeks ago? Well, this was the following week when our thermometer was hitting an impressive 8 degrees in London. There was a bitter wind, and I had salvaged my thick shirts from the other end of the wardrobe; it was that cold. I ventured outside on a daring mission to hand my University coursework in. Living just yards away from the Thames means that our little area of Woolwich gets hit by even stronger, unprovoked winds. And in the bitter wind, I at one point even had to do the zip up on my coat; not an easy task in the wind.

In our walk to the train station, we walked towards two female teenagers; the sort that often get branded as 'yobs' and 'chavs' in the media. They were quietly gossiping amongst themselves. I had stopped to do my coat up in view of the pair, with my bag banging against my leg. We continued on, and just as we began to pass them, one of the two women erupted, and with added profanities, stated that:

"People wearing coats makes it looked cold!"

Like British people do, me and the other half carried on walking past, quietly bemused. Her sentence then began to properly sink in. "People wearing coats makes it look cold". That is what she said. I looked back. I looked forward. Again I turn backwards. SHE was wearing a thick coat with fur bursting out of it. And Ugg boots. She looked like a bear who had stumbled  onto a make-up counter in a department store. I was wearing a thin blue coat and Converses. I was dressed correctly for the weather, whereas she was dressed for freezing temperatures, and SHE has the cheek to moan about me wearing a coat.

The following is a message for her:

I am ever so sorry for selfishly trying to keep my body temperature up, and I apologise if me wearing a coat happened to ruin your day. Perhaps you was trying to kid yourself into thinking that it was the Bahamas instead of Woolwich, and stupid coat-wearing-people like myself kept bringing you back to reality. I should have thought more of you and other people who were goading themselves into believing the false reality you were attempting to create for yourself.

Perhaps I should have taken to wearing shorts, T-shirt, sandals and sunglasses. I now realise I should have played my part in acting out your stupid dreams. Of course, my legs would have turned blue, my toes so numb they were but a distant memory, and sunglasses so dark I would have tripped over barriers and broken my nose.

Oh, and I hate to mention this, but perhaps you have could have made a greater effort. Where was your short, flowery dress with the boob peep-hole? Maybe it was in the wash. Maybe all of your clothes were in the wash, apart from the winter outfit you were wearing. I don't know, and I'd hate to make such a hasty opinion and brand you as a hypocrite. However, I would point out that if someone was not analysing the situation as deeply as I, that is the conclusion most people would come to.

I also regret how me wearing a coat made it look cold. This is something that has never occurred to me before, but people wearing coats can make it look cold. And as we all know, temperature is perceived purely through the sense of sight, rather than, say, the sense of Thermoception; if only such a thing existed!

When I look out the window in the middle of January, I now realise it isn't the bright white snow or excess of steam escaping from mouths that makes it cold. It is the fact that people are wearing coats, scarves, hats and gloves. How silly of me for thinking otherwise.

Me in January*

However, that's now given me an idea. When people, perhaps like yourself, moan in July or August that it is just too hot, and that it's just too uncomfortable to be in your own skin, there is an easy solution for combating this predicament. We all start wearing our thick coats, scarves and gloves. That way, it looks cold. You see, because it isn't the sun beating down on us that makes it hot, it's the fact people are stupidly wearing shorts, T-shirts, dresses, sandals and eating ice cream. Of course you're going to feel hot if you can see people wearing that sort of attire.

Me on the beach in August*

So, I thank you for opening my eyes to a new way of perceiving temperature. As soon as the mercury passes the 25 degrees point, I promise to get my big winter coat out of the wardrobe, and make a decent attempt to dream up the cold weather. Everyone eating an ice cream will look so stupid!

*Pictures of 'me' might not actually be of me, and be stolen from Google, and perhaps then photoshopped...